the jaded viewer: 10/7/07

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

The Consolation Prizes of American Horror

So as we wrap up 2007, Hollywood is churning out some horror that may or may not be worth 2 shits. Below is a list of some either gems or turds with extra corn.

1.) 30 Days of Night

The Blah Blah Blah:

Vampires in Alaska. Did I just write that?

2.) Saw IV

The Blah Blah Blah:

Is Jigsaw the new Chucky? Seems like it after the 4th effin sequel.

3.) The Signal

The Blah Blah Blah:

Cell phones make people go insane. That happens everyday in NYC.

4.) P2

The Blah Blah Blah:

More torture-core? Please stop. I mean I'm one Captivity away from torturing some innocent woman.

5.) The Mist

The Blah Blah Blah:

When weather becomes the unstoppable evil, I feel like they're not even trying anymore.

That's all theatrical for now. I left off release dates because I mean all of the above makes me want to have Hatchet face slice me open.

There are a few straight to DVDers that peaked my interest.

Wrong Turn 2 (ooooooooooh)

Return to House on Haunted Hill (with their gimmicky "You Choose their fate" function)

Black Sheep

...and countless others. I think it's time I rejoin Netflix.

Tags:
30 days of night, black sheep , american horror , p2, saw 4 ,the signal, the mist, wrong turn 2, captivity

Labels: 30 days of night, black sheep, p2, return to house on haunted hill, saw 4, saw iv, the mist, the signal, wrong turn 2

Posted by the jaded viewer at 11:07 PM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Hatchet

Hatchet (2006)
Directed by Adam Green

Old School American Horror. Motherfucker.

What makes a good, fun slasher movie? Below is a list of what we here at jadedviewer deem as full of chunky gooiness when it comes to the ingredients of a solid slasher-palooza.

Does Hatchet achieve everything on this list?

1.) A mysterious, insanely strong, ridiculed as a child, deformed, inbred redneck slasher.

Check.

2.) Gratuitous, over the top, super fleshy nudity (and seeing the boobies of a former Buffy the Vampire Slayer cast member)?

Check.

3.) Stereotypical teenage caricatures with a few old people who die gruesome and horrific over the top deaths?

Check.

4.) No Plot.

Check.

5.) Kills by our slasher that make you go "Fuck yeah!"

Check.

6.) Gore, lots of it. Like serious decapitation, dismemberment, impalement, hatchet frenzy steroid rages and blood shooting out at various penetration wounds, limbs a flailing and mindless splatter and mayhem

Check.

7.) Geeky leader who takes charge of the hapless group as they try to escape who befriends a hot girl who knows about the "legend" (there's always a legend no one believes)

Check.

8.) Funny yet ill timed dialogue but also various quips and one liners that are funny only the first time around (yet somehow funny again when you buy the DVD and only when you're stoned)

Check.

9.) Gratuitous cameos by actors who have portrayed horror legends (Candyman, Freddy Kreuger and Jason Voorhees) that make you flash a metal sign and do the Beavis and Butthead pseudo head nodding.

Check.

10.) Wildly ambigious ending that can be used to warrant a sequel?

Check.

Hatchet is 80 minutes of the most fun I've had in a theatre. I had to scour NYC to find the one theatre it was playing at. Some of the jokes were kinda lame but the characters were throwbacks: geeky leader, token black guy (who plays the token black guy to perfection), bimbos with the idiotic director, Floridian elderly touristy couple, hot looking local and the asian (or not so asian) tour captain.

And the throwbacks made me all nostalgiky. Our man, Hatchet head is by far the most solid slasher to come along in ages. He's not a mysterious, conjured up evil or a pissed off fisherman, nor is he two teenage horror buffs.

He's a deformed, inbred redneck with a big hatchet scar. His had put a hatchet in his fuckin head. That's a awesome slasher.

Hatchet is great fun. It won't change your life, but when has seeing gore and titties at the same time made you think of changing the way you live. Right?

Rating: