Rewind: Jason X (Review)
Jason XJason X (2001)
Directed by James Issac
[It's a retro review by the jaded viewer. I originally posted this review after buying the box set. Films 1-8. The memories all came pouring back. Fangoria covers and lunch box sets. And so I decided to make a list. The ultimate super duper mega crazy best to worst list. Starting from the worst movie of the franchise to the best, I'll go into why each film was either really good or really terrible. I of course never finished the list only.]
Jason Voorhees + Space = What the fuck?
The fact that he's in space is a little much isn't it? The year 2455? This is our future?
Oh boy.
Well what can you say? It doesn't get much worse than this. Our beloved slasher of slashers gets stuck in a sci fi movie. It's like Aliens but without any aliens.
As always let's go briefly over the plot.
Plot-O-Rama
Jason has been locked up within the Camp Crystal Lake research facility. The military wants to discover Jason's regeneration secrets (umm its an evil heart dude plus druids!).
But Jason as always escapes and goes all killy. Rowan played by the hot (oh so hot!) Lexa Doig, cryogenically freezes Jason before she gets frozen herself. Fast forward to the future and some Canadian teenagers are on all field trip to Old Earth. (I guess we live on New Earth).
Jason defrosts and goes on to kill most of the kids on the ship while the kids try to fend him off.
So let's go through the more interesting moments and the people in the flick, shall we?Jason's sci fi slaughterhouse farm (See below)
1.) Rowan (aka Lexa Doig) the research scientist with beautiful cleavage
2.) Black soldier who more than likely will try to kick some ass and save the day
3.) Hot girl in very revealing futuristic clothing
4.) Nerd guy
5.) Hot Android (I'd like to also point out Lexa Doig and the android are both on Gene Roddenberry's Andromeda)
6.) Teacher who is as an asshole
Various moments that made me chuckle or heave
1.) Jason on a spaceship (please shoot me now)
2.) "He just wanted his machete back!"
3.) FX helps Jason kill more realistically
4.) Hologram scene of the "old Crystal Lake", Jason then proceeds to kill campers by pounding cute white and filipina chicks trapped in their sleeping bags ("We love premarital sex!")
5.) Jason hears two teenagers having sex like 12 decks up, then proceeds to kill them.
6.) Uber Jason (am i dead yet? if not, please put 3 bullets in my head)
OK let's go through the 4 pieces of criteria in which all 4 are totally fucked up by this movie.
1.) Jason Voorhees
At this point in Jason Voorhees career, he's completely a supernatural zombie devoid of any human related genetics. Fuck. He still has his slasher charm but it's really running on empty. So why does this fail? Two words:
Uber Jason!!!
C'mon. Fuckin Uber Jason. So after android girl blows the shit out of Jason by using her ray gun semi automatic weapons, Jason is regenerated by nano technology and is now half metal half Robocop. He's got this dumb looking mask and is now breathing more heavily. He has fuckin body armor and somehow this machete has also turned into an uber machete. I mean talk about bastardizing our beloved slasher of slashers. This is like a punch in the stomach of all that is sacred within Friday the 13th. Jason Voorhees is a man wearing a hockey mask who drowned and likes to kill teenagers who have sex and smoke pot. He is not Robo Slasher.
2.) High body count with clever and gruesome deaths
A decent scene was Jason cryogenically freezing a girl face and then smashing it into pieces. Some soldier gets impaled on some large drill (FX baby!). Overall the gore has been totally toned down. Except for the virtual girls getting killed, all the deaths were pretty [yawn].
Too many of the kills were dominated by FX. Damn the special effects!
3.) Nudity! Nudity! Nudity!Nada. Let's see what Skinemax moments we had. Some gratuitous Lexa Doig cleavage. Some Canadian girl cleavage. Virtual girls show some boobies. That's it. The nudity has to be totally gratuitous you know? Like gratuitous shower scene, gratuitous breast shot as they dress, gratuitous skinny dipping and gratuitous nerd seeing hot girl naked. Jason X just didn't deliver the goods.
4.) An ending with a twist or a clever plot device or a reference that a sequel will be made
So Jason dies as the remaining crew escape to a ship that was trying to pick them up. Uber Jason, believed to have blown up with the ship "Grendel" is still alive and as he floats towards the rescuing ship he is richoched by the black soldier dude and floated towards new Earth's atmosphere where Jason and the soldier burn up.
We see Jason's uber mask in a new lake on New Earth as two teenagers, unknown to them make out.
ARGHHHHH!HOOOOKA! Sorry I just threw up. We're not even on Earth anymore. We're on some distant alternate dimension planet. Oh my freakin goodness. This is just plain dumb.
The Recap
First of all, this is a sci fi movie. We aren't even in Crytal Lake anymore. I mean this is just waaaaay off target. I don't even know if this even qualifies. It's just hard to sit through because you don't even know what to make of this. Jason is just making an ass of himself. I mean pretend of the Alien in Alien became an Uber Alien?
We can only flush this turd down the toilet and hope the Canadians don't take our beloved horror and make this crap again.
I'd like to say for the record tha this flick had its moments. After the 13th viewing, it's actually grown on me. But 99.99% of this flick is pretty much garbage. I'm judging by standards of the franchise and this took the franchise waaaaaay down. Sorta like Part 5.
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Tags:
jason x, jason voorhees , uber jason , the jaded viewer, worst friday the 13th movie,
Labels: camp crystal lake, friday the 13th, gratuitous nudity, jason voohees, jason x, lexa doig, outer space, uber jason
