a jaded viewer reviews the world of horror, splatter, gore, cult, grindhouse, trash, b-movie, erotica, indie, asian and exploitation films
Friday, August 01, 2008
Top 50 Hottest Sci Fi Girls (Feature)
I'll admit it. I watched Lexx. I also watched Cleopatra 2525. Hell I even watched Xena too. I attribute these addictive shows to a disease that strikes men 18-34 years old and can be contagious as hell.
I call it Dark Angel Syndrome. See the definition below.
Dark Angel Syndrome noun
1.) Watching any particular form of entertainment (movie, tv show, etc.) because the hotness of lead actress outweighs the horrible plot, bad acting and totally shitty experience of the show. 2.) Dark Angel is a reference to the hotness that is Jessica Alba and the reason why men watched in pain 2 seasons of this James Cameron inspired show.
It's a great comprehensive list of some hotty hot hot girls that have been in sci fi movies.
Xenia Seeberg who played Xev Bellringer on Lexx gave me a bad case of DAS. I mean this sci fi show had bad special effects, horrible dialogue and it was German too!
But Senia Seeberg is so damn hot I couldn't miss an episode. Damn DAS!!!
The new French wave of horror is blazing across screens as the official trailer for Martys is now online.
If you've seen Inside or Frontiere(s) or even Haute Tension, you know the French may be squeamish when it comes to war but not in their horror movies. If the trailer and the 2 teaser trailers below are any indication of how sadistic and bloody this will be, I'm so fuckin thrilled.
The buzz is this is the uber ultimate in torture porn. Kudos to the fearless French horror film industry. Let the carnage ensue!!!!
Lucie, a little girl missing for over a year, is discovered wandering by the side of a country road.
Near catatonic, she can say nothing about what has happened to her. The cops quickly find the place in which she's been incarcerated - a disused slaughterhouse. Every indication is that she never once left the empty, freezing room in which she was imprisoned.
Filthy, starving, dehydrated, the child's body nonetheless bears no traces of sexual abuse - this was no paedophile abduction, but something far stranger.
What happened in that icy room? And how did Lucie escape?
Lucie is hospitalized - slowly she learns how to live again, an enfant sauvage gradually returning to the real world. In the hospital, she meets Anna, another little girl, and a victim of terrible abuse at the hands of her family. In no time, they are inseparable. Anna takes charge of Lucie, like a mother. As for her kidnappers, the police are at a dead end. Lucie's ordeal remains a terrible mystery.
One night, as Anna sleeps, Lucie hears an awful, rasping breathing. A vision appears: a body, naked, skeletal, tortured. Barely human. The apparition seizes her...
15 years later. A house, isolated in the middle of a forest. A family: Mum, Dad, two kids. A happy home. As they eat breakfast, there's a knock at the door. The father opens it to find a young woman, hollow-eyed and wraithlike and mad. In her hands, a rifle. "Remember the little girl I once was?" She shoots him where he stands, enters the house, and locks the door...
Minutes later, the family lie bloody. All dead. Lucie calls Anna, who tells her not to move, she'll be right there. In shock, Lucie hangs up. And then she hears it. That terrible, terribly familiar breathing...
Oh man, this is going to kick so much freakin ass. Check out the official trailer and the teasers.
When I first read that Rose McGowan was going to play Red Sonja, I was like....
"Isn't she like 5'1?"
How do you strike fear into your enemies when your waving your sword at their knees?
Well if there is one person that might pull this off it's Rober Rodriguez. Trouble is, he's not directing this. Some dude name Douglas Aarniokoski. Say who?
Straigh out of Comic Con , check out the poster above and below for the first look at the hot Rose McGowan as the killer redhead.
Yes fellow readers, the jaded viewer also covers *some* mainstream horror movies and news. And so low and behold the poster for the "reimagining" of Friday the 13th is above.
I love the the 13th series (even some of the shitty sequels) . I think Jason Voorhees is the greatest slasher of all time. But I have my doubts about this remake. It looks....well a little Final Destination-ish with a mix of some Rob Zombie Halloween. To me, 21st century Jason is very bland compared to 1980's Jason. 1980's Jason seemed to evoke more menace.
It may have had to do with the heavy breathing.
The remake is being directed by Marcus Nispel who directed Pathfinder (a Vikings vs Indians 300 ripoff)
Jack plays a man who pretends to be crazy in order to save his sister from being involuntarily hospitalized. Once inside the institute, the siblings discover that a doctor is using his patients like lab rats, forcing them to take a drug that turns them into flesh-eating psychopaths.
Is this the best idea Jack could come up with to free his sister?
I don't know who Jesse Metcalf is. Something with Desperate Housewives I think. Fuck if I care. It's the "special guest stars" that made me chuckle.
Quark aka Armin Shimerman plays a mental patient. Olivia Munn (from G4's Attack of the Show) plays a nurse. Kiele Sanchez (who was on a few episodes of Lost) played Jack's sister Lily. and Peter Stormare (of Fargo fame) plays the mad doctor.
With all these "Hey It's That Guy or Girl" actors, Insanitarium is just a horror film in an insane asylum.
But with extra crunchy flesh eating zombies (I hesitate to call them zombies as they aren't dead).
Awesome Review-O-Matic
So as the plot illustrates, Jack poses a crazy guy to free his sister. He meets the doctor (Peter Stormare) who has been testing a drug called Orpheum to cure his patients but instead makes them more crazier and more hungry for human flesh.
Jack, with the help of Dave (another patient) and a nurse Nancy (Olivia Munn) help free Jack's sister and try to escape the asylum. They run alot. Barricading doors, fighting off the loonies flesh eaters with electro sticks and knives and such. Inevitably they face off against the mad doctor and the ending is as expected. Your typical open ended ending with a dash of "look we may have a sequel if this movie gets good DVD sales".
First of all, let me say that for an insane asylum...ahem oh sorry...I mean mental institution, they've got some hot patients and staff. Serously? Olivia Munn? Kiele Sanchez? Hot naked nymphomaniac. Please, I'd like to check into this place.
Second of all, are all the mental this crazy? Like moaning and groaning and walking like zombies fucked up? But then you have the fully functioning crazy people who seem quite normal. I'm no expert but this seems to be a little unbalanced (pun so intended).
I can see where Jeff Buhler was trying to go with Insanitarium. He wanted to use the exterior of the asylum to catapult a slash and dash zombie film. But thats the thing. Asylums have already been done to death. Sometimes we like to see our zombies in a mall. Or on Army base. Or in Vegas. Or in London. Or in Pittsburgh. Or in a quarantined apartment building.
An asylum is just....well boring. Flesh eating wackos are not new. And this is where Insanitarium lacks energy. There were some good splatter-ific moments but for 88 minutes, I was left waiting for those moments. I think I counted maybe 2 total.
So what can I say? If you like seeing people chased by cannibal crazies for an hour and a half is your thing, see Insanitarium. But then again, I might say your crazy.
Influences
Re-Animator Evil Dead Romero's Dead series Every other zombie film
Gore-ipedia
Gun shots Knife stabbing Intestine eating Arm trauma Knife through the mouth (x2!!!) Penis munching Ice Pick eye trauma Blood covered walls Limbs and arms pieces
-the jaded viewer upon seeing Armin Shimerman in the movie
"Holy shit? Isn't that the girl from Attack of the Show?"
-the jaded viewer upon seeing Olivia Munn in the movie
The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis
Let's just say, if you want to see some crazy people get chased by crazy blood thirsty killers, see The Signal instead.
Jeff Buhler wrote the screenplay for Midnight Meat Train. Hopefully that flick will be awesome-rific and whatever Buhler follows up with will be much better.
But if you wanna see Olivia Munn and Quark, play a nurse and an insane killer...then see this. And then check your self into mental ward.
I'll admit it. I watched Lexx. I also watched Cleopatra 2525. Hell I even watched Xena too. I attribute these addictive shows to a disease that strikes men 18-34 years old and can be contagious as hell.
