the jaded viewer

The Cottage

The Cottage (2008)

Directed by Paul Andrew Williams

The dry sense of humor the Brits have can either be considered bloody unfunny or bloody fuckin brillant.

I'm a big believer in that the subtle inappropriate remarks are better than the big jokey, long winded kind.

And that's why somehow the Brits have time after time made the horror-omedy work. Shawn of the Dead, Severance and now we have The Cottage.

Mixing the 2 genres together is very tricky. Sam Raimi's Evil Dead is an example of classic horror-omedy. But this film would not work without the comedy. If you remove that, it's just a used DVD bin rehash of The Hills Have Eyes meets Fargo.

Hell, when you can me somebody's foot being cut off funny, that's deserves praise.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

2 bumbling petty criminals kidnap the daughter of a underground kingpin and hold her for ransom in a cottage in the farmland. What they don't know is they've stumbled upon a pissed off redneck after they trespass on his land.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

The Cottage is cardboard cut out horror caricatures to a tee. But just like eating a slice of pizza, you know how it's gonna taste and once you've eaten it, it's still damn tasty. Peter (Reece Shearsmith) is our reluctant hero criminal. The regular guy who gets caught in a scheme gone wrong. Steven (Andy Serkis) plays his brother, a leather coated, gruffy goatee tough guy who hatches the plan.

The kidnap victim, Tracey (Jennifer Ellison) is a spoiled Mafia princess whose brother Steven gets caught in the plan as well.

The first 40 or so minutes are your average crime gone wrong brand of ridiculousness. Inevitably it will be compared to From Dusk til Dawn in structure. I was slightly bored watching the paint dry with the jabbering British dialogue but Ellison's breasts kept me entertained.

The plan goes way off target, from the ransom being compromised to some Asian thugs trying to kill our bumbling bafoons (I always wanted to use that in a sentence).

The 50 or so minutes where we get into the horror are where The Cottage shows some balls. It seems this reclusive house is in some psycho farmer's land and he's got some issues. Lots of blood, splatter and gore ensue which are done in some Benny Hill like moments.

Foot slicing, decaps and entrails all get shown and I gotta admit, I wanted all of these people to die.

Our farmer slasher is straight out of the Hills Have Eyes disfigured family of monsters and though I've see this a thousand times, I enjoyed his chasing of these idiots.

Alas, the ending is ironic (as the Brits guarantee in almost all their horror), it wraps it all nicely. Suffice it to say this isn't no Shawn of the Dead, but the Cottage is clever enough to not waste my time. Bloody well done.

So grab some tea. I suggest Earl Grey, hot. And watch our friends across the pond make you laugh, squirm and be merry. Bollocks.

Influences

Shawn of the Dead
Severance
The Office
The Hills Have Eyes
Fargo
Probably some British films I've never heard of

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

Head butting
Groin kicking
Intenstine spilling guts
Throat slashing
Shovel decapitation
Foot slicing (top part only)
Picket through the leg
Decapitated heads
Body parts galore
Picket trauma
Picket through the groin
Head and spine decapitation

Nudipidedia (because you like boobies)

None.

So here's a picture of Jennifer Ellison to keep you entertained.

!!!!WTF moment!!!!

The last thing on the Gore-ipedia list. That rocked

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Severance and Shawn to me are just horror-omedy done fuckin right. And I'm glad the Brits are continuing to make these sub genres of movies because they are so fuckin good at it.

Some American horror fans won't like this. We don't like when our horror and comedy intertwine. We need our Superbad and our Hills Have Eyes 2 separated.

But that's too bad. Because its movies like the Cottage that know how to do it right. It's 90 minutes of laughs, shits and giggles and buckets of gore. Bloody fun!

Rating:
The Trailer:

Tags:
the cottage, the cottage review , the cottage dvd review , the hills have eyes, gore splatter, horroromedy, top horror movies of 2008, horror blog, shawn of the dead, british horror comedy, UK horror, jennifer ellison,

Labels: horror-omedy, severance, shawn of the dead, the cottage, the cottage review, the office

Posted by jeffy-pop at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

"Now you see me where I'm coming from you jive MOTHERFUCKER!!!!"

Clever isn't it? Black Dynamite is going to kick ass, literally.

Tags:
black dynamite, black dynamite trailer , black dynamite redband trailer , blaxploitation, exploitation films, shaft, exploitation film, gratuitous nudity, top movies of 2008, michael jai white, Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song, horror blog,superfly, the jaded viewer, pimping hos, interracial sex

Labels: black dynamite, black dynamite trailer, blaxploitation, exploitation film, interracial sex, pimping, shaft, superfly, Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song, top movies of 2008

Posted by jeffy-pop at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

There's a debate on whether or not Philosophy of a Knife is worth the time, money and effort to watch what the horror underground is calling the first "Goreumentary". Though many would say Men Behind the Sun is the first (a film that shocked the fuck out of me) that movie was made 20 years ago and you figured somebody would take the goreumentary a little further.

That's where Andrey Iskanov comes in.

The Russian director of Nails and Visions of Suffering has decided to make a documentary about Japanese Unit 731, where a group of Japanese scientists performed biological medical experiments on Russian prisoners.

Here be the plot from Unearthed Films who produced the film with Iskanov.

The true history of Japanese Unit 731, from it's beginnings in the 1930's to it's demise in 1945, and the subsequent trials in Khabarovsk, USSR, of many of the Japanese doctors from Unit 731. The facts are told, and previously unknown evidence is revealed by an eyewitness to these events, former doctor and military translator, Anatoly Protasov. Part documentary and part feature, the story is shown from the perspective of a young Japanese nurse who witnessed many of horrors, and a young Japanese officer who is torn between his sincere convictions that he is serving the greater purpose, and the deep sympathy he feels for an imprisoned Russian girl. His life is a living hell as he's compelled to carry out atrocious experiments on the other prisoners, using them as guinea pigs in this shocking tale of mankind's barbarity. Philosophy of a knife is truly one of the most violent, brutal and harrowing movies ever made.

The gripes come in that's its 4.....yes FUCKIN 4 HOURS LONG!!!!

And that "starved" prisoners all look like Anna Kournikova. From what I've read in reviews and comments, the torture and gore are in peak form and are disturbing as fuck.

Hmmmm. We've got pros and we got cons. The DVD came out on July 8th and is available via Unearthed Films.

Many fucked ups scenes are up on YouTube. Check out the trailer below and decide if you're in or out.

Tags:
Philosophy of a Knife, Philosophy of a Knife trailer , Philosophy of a Knife unrated uncensored trailer , japanese unit 731, goreumentary, japanese atrocities, exploitation film, gratuitous nudity, top horror movie 2008, world war II, Andrey Iskanov, horror blog,unearthed films, the jaded viewer

Labels: Andrey Iskanov, goreumentary, japanese atrocities, japanese unit 731, Men Behind the Sun, Philosophy of a Knife, Philosophy of a Knife trailer, russian horror, unearthed films, world war 2

Posted by jeffy-pop at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

You know what? I didn't get the memo about the blaxploitation, muscle car, Pussycat Kill Kill Kill, grindhouse revivals.

I finally got the TPS report so I'm now up to speed.

Hence after seeing the must see trailer of the year (Black Devil Doll), the 2nd most kick ass trailer has got to be from Bitch Slap.

Starring some hot blooded, kick ass, heavy artillery, much hot vixens. It's Kill Bill meets Grindhouse. Looks very Tarantino-ish but homages the revenge chick movies to a tee.

The movie stars Julia Voth (Trixie), Erin Cummings (Hel) and America Olivo (Camaro) as three bad girls who try to extort money from an underworld kingpin.

From the trailer, looks like it's going to be harder than they thought.

Check out the trailer below.

Also check out the official site for a high def trailer.

Tags:
bitch+slap, bitch slap trailer , bitch slap unrated uncensored trailer , faster pussycat kill kill kill, b-movie, grindhouse, exploitation film, gratuitous nudity, top horror movie 2008, muscle car movies, big boobs, horror blog, horror blog cult classic, the jaded viewer

Labels: b-movie, bitch slap, bitch slap trailer, cult clasic, exploitation, faster pussycat kill kill kill, gratuitous nudity, grindhouse, muscle cars, quentin tarantino, sexual killings, top movies of 2009

Posted by jeffy-pop at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Doomsday

Doomsday (2008)

Directed by Neil Marshall

Everybody please welcome Mr. Neil "Big Budget Blockbuster" Marshall.

What happens when you give the director of The Descent 30 million to make a flick?

He doesn't remake his cave dwelling masterpiece or direct a remake of an American horror classic.

What he does is simple. He makes a movie about a B-movie post apocalyptic virus stricken futuristic world ripe with homages to everything from The Road Warriors, Mad Max and Escape from New York. Plus he throws in some medieval pics in for show.

And that's why Doomsday is jolly good fun.

Fuck the naysayers with their incoherent plot, ripoffs and been there, done that. Even the best films are homages to classics (ahem Pulp Fiction, Grindhouse, etc.).

Doomsday blends these things bloody nicely and Marshall's preposterous gore and quick editing make this a soon to be cult classic.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A virus called the Reaper virus has infected all of Scotland. The UK quarantines all of Scotland leaving the inhabitants to die a most excrutiating death. As the UK goes all tolitarian, the reaper virus shows up again and a rag tag army bats have to go back to Glasgow where survivors have been found with a possible cure.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I'm up. Sorry I dozed off.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Rhona Mitra (who plays Eden St. Clair) is hot in her black tank top and sporting some kick ass kung fu and a heavy duty gun. She's the major who has to infiltrate No Man's Land and find the cure. You know the drill, her team shoots a billion rounds and kills a lot of the renegade cannibal insane warriors.

But remember, it's never the good guys that make a film fun it's the baddies and boy Doomsday has a shitload. Sol is the leader of the Mad Max bunch who feast on human flesh, sport mohawks and wield clubs with spikes. Sol entertains his troops with a show number and a BBQ like no other. Everybody is tattooed and totally fucked up. But like Dr. Evil's henchman, they get their ass kicked.....royally.

After St. Clair and her team kill 500 punk rock rejects, they follow fellow survivors to find the ever elusive Dr. Kane who may or may not have the cure.

This is where I was like....."WTF!??!?"

Dr. Kane has built a world that closely resembles Medieval Times. Complete with a castle, archers, knights and wenches. I'm not fuckin kidding.

This sets up a scene where the "Executioner" knight gladiators St Clair in a pit style death match. St. Clair seems to have gone through serious Navy Seal training and bloodifies to victory.

The remaining Waterworld rejects catch up to our survivors and an unbelievable chase scene ensues with a BMW and some punk rock armored up cars.

At this point, the viewer should just sit back and watch the carnage. Ending is blah blah yay good for her and 20 minutes later you've fully digest what you've seen. You're definitely not going to be talking about this say like Memento but fuck, it's entertaining.

What more can I say? Doomsday didn't bore me. It's a little too long. I mean 2 hours? But it's got plenty of insane action scenes and tons of over the top gore and splatter.

The acting is palatable and the world Neil Marshall has intermixed is quite new. He knew how to put all the ingredients together and though it's like eating leftovers the day after, it's still pretty fuckin tasty.



Influences

The Road Warriors
Mad Max
Escape from New York (and LA)
Waterworld
Every post apocalyptic movie where man becomes a cannibal and goes crazy

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

People getting totally gunned down
Beheadings (I counted like 5)
Flesh eating virus gore
Shotgun blast to the head
Cow slaughter
Cannibalism
Eye trauma
Sword head trauma
Hand and decapitations

Nudipedia (because you like boobies)

Hot blonde in a tub has big boobies
Mad Max vixens with cleavage
Rhona Mitra's hotness

WTF moment

St. Clair's eye and the Medieval Times flip of a coin

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

It's not a perfect movie but it's heart is in the right place. Doomsday didn't turd out like Waterworld but creates a 21st century post apocalyptic world that looks like Newark. I definitely knew coming in this was not going to come close to Marshall's other masterpieces Dog Soldiers and The Descent, but as fas as big budget blockbusters go, this one wasn't too bad.

Let's hope Neil goes back to his roots and gives us the next horror movie we all want.

Rating:

1/2

The Trailer:

Tags:
doomsday, doomsday review , Neil Marshall , escape from new york, gore splatter, rhona mitra, top horror movies of 2008, horror blog,

Labels: doomsday, doomsday review, doomsday trailer, escape from new york, mad max, neil marshall, post apocalyptic, rhona mitra, the road warriors, top horror movies of 2008

Posted by jeffy-pop at 12:03 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

I stumbled upon the poster for Gutterballs (I love the homage to the Maniac poster) and immediately wanted to check out the trailer which is below.






















Check out the trailer below.

Tags:
gutterballs, gutterballs trailer , gutterballs teaser trailer , 80s horror, slasher films, maniac, live feed horror, gratuitous nudity, top horror movie 2008, gore, bowling, horror blog

Labels: 80s horror, bowling, gutterballs, gutterballs teaser trailer, gutterballs trailer, maniac, plot digger productions, slasher films, top horror movies of 2008

Posted by jeffy-pop at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

To see gratuitous nudity, lots of cursing and splatter-ific gore, see the unrated, uncensored trailer on the official site.

BONUS TRAILER!!!!

It's the original trailer for Chester Turner's low budget Black Devil Doll From Hell.

Tags:
black devil doll, black devil doll trailer , black devil doll unrated uncensored trailer , black devil doll from hell, blaxploitation, rotten cotton, killer doll, gratuitous nudity, top horror movie 2008, grindhouse, big boobs, horror blog

Labels: black devil doll, black devil doll from hell, black devil doll trailer, black devil doll uncensored unrated trailer, blaxploitation, gratuitous nudity, grindhouse, porn

Posted by jeffy-pop at 12:10 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

I'll admit it. I watched Lexx. I also watched Cleopatra 2525. Hell I even watched Xena too. I attribute these addictive shows to a disease that strikes men 18-34 years old and can be contagious as hell.

I call it Dark Angel Syndrome. See the definition below.

Dark Angel Syndrome
noun

1.) Watching any particular form of entertainment (movie, tv show, etc.) because the hotness of lead actress outweighs the horrible plot, bad acting and totally shitty experience of the show.
2.) Dark Angel is a reference to the hotness that is Jessica Alba and the reason why men watched in pain 2 seasons of this James Cameron inspired show.

You might actually get DAS if you check out UGO.com's Top 50 Hottest Sci Fi Girls.

It's a great comprehensive list of some hotty hot hot girls that have been in sci fi movies.

Xenia Seeberg who played Xev Bellringer on Lexx gave me a bad case of DAS. I mean this sci fi show had bad special effects, horrible dialogue and it was German too!

But Senia Seeberg is so damn hot I couldn't miss an episode. Damn DAS!!!

Tags:
top 50 hottest sci fi girls, ugo , hot girls pictures scifi , lexx, xenia seeberg, xev bellinger, gratuitous nudity, women of scifi, jessica alba, dark angel, horror blog

Labels: cleopatra 2525, dark angel, jessica alba, lexx, top 50 hottest sci fi girls, ugo, ugo.com, women of scifi, xenia seeberg

Posted by jeffy-pop at 12:02 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post