a jaded viewer reviews the world of horror, splatter, gore, cult, grindhouse, trash, b-movie, erotica, indie, asian and exploitation films
Saturday, October 25, 2008
the jaded viewer goes to Chiller 2008
Insano Steve and I are pulling a Favre. We're returning to Chiller. I haven't been at Chiller for a couple of years now but we figured we needed to stack up some horror swag.
I mean there are some things you just can't get or see over the Interweb like....
C List celebs, Tiffany Shepis and 70s grindhouse flicks.
Who doesn't want to get their picture with the General Lee and KITT?
So off to Hilton Parsippany we go.
If your in the tri-state area, you should check it out.
I'll probably be at the Something Weird booth purchasing a copy of Blood Feast or trying to barter down dealers by purchasing their amateur home movie "films".
[It's Kekko Kamen Fridays!!! Thanks to Insano Steve, for the next few Fridays we'll have a review of the Kekko Kamen series, a sleazy, Skinemaxish superhero movies straight from the headquarters of the strange, Japan. Insano Steve spared no expense in fleshing out the movies and you'll find his reviews stimulating and penetrating. Pun so intended!]
Japan is a country with no natural resources. It's basically a bunch of barren rocks floating in salt water. But the Japanese have made the most of this unfortunate situation by working 18-hour work days and maintaining a conservative culture. This obviously takes a toll on the Japanese psyche so there must be some outlet for these repressed overworked souls.
Hello Hentai!
Hentai is the happy collision of cartoons and pornography.
The Japanese really love their hentai because:
1) They're perverts.
2) One resource they have is great imaginations. Japan is the most technologically advanced nation in the world. They can't just watch the same old porn over and over.
3) They are youth-obsessed. Hello-Kitty/J-Pop crap is a freaking big deal there. And so are cartoons.
Let's take a look at my favorite hentai (well hentai minus the penetration), the wonderful Kekko Kamen. This was an anime that was ironically turned into a series of live-action movies.
Kekko Kamen (which means "Big Tit Avenger" in English), is the story of a girl, Mayumi, who attends the boarding school, "Toenail of Satan's Spartan Institute of Higher Education".
The school is run by sexual deviants (the ManGriffons/MFG) who use the school to grope, peep, molest and torture the students for their own sexual gratification (hey, like the Catholic Church!).
The students' only protection from the pervs is Kekko Kamen. Our heroine wears only red boots, a mask (with rabbit ears!), gloves, scarf, and her trusted nunchakus. So she's always fully frontally nude.
Oh Yeah!
Her special attack is her flying headscissor move, the "Muffication", which works by asphyxiating her enemy with her radioactive vagina. Kekko’s civilian identity is the one non-pervert teacher at the school. Though this is not technically pornography, it is certainly perverted (in a good way of course) and plenty of fun.
Here's a rundown of the second film in the series Kekko Kamen.
The Kekko series doesn’t really have any continuity so this is a sequel in name only. This time, Mayumi’s in “Celebrity Training School” where she’s learning how to become a celebrity (yeah, seriously). Budget on this one’s maybe $300.
The perversion is way toned down here. Kekko does however unleash her “Special Reverse Crotch Revealer”, which can be described as ‘death by asshole’. The MFG computer’s screen saver is an oscillating dick (huh?). The climax entails the girls being gagged with light bulbs; and Kekko beating up the MFG in what would appear to be the director’s basement.
In evaluating any T&A movie, one must foremost consider the quality of the “T”, and to a lesser extent, the “A”. The actress who plays Kekko Kamen is pretty, but not quite hot (albeit, very naked). The Mayumi actress is cute, but really dopey looking, and not hot at all.
The powers-that-be would recast these 2 principal roles for the next 2 episodes. And with resounding success.....
Rating:
The Trailer (of Part 1, because that opening theme song is so damn catchy!)
Brighton Wok: The Legend of Ganja Boxing (Trailer)
Let's see what the Brits have done recently.
Made a zombie movie Made an action comedy movie Made a post apocalyptic Carpenter movie
So what's left for them to make?
Did you just say a ninja ganja boxing movie?
Correct-a-mundo!
I'm fuckin speechless by the trailer below. And I gotta admit, it looks so cheesy it may actually be good, or be a Adam Sandler movie which in other words it would suck monkey balls.
But the Brits track record so far is not too bad. But they're bound to fuck up. I mean a British spoof of ninja flicks? Well its the lower than a low budget flick.
This version of yuppie torture-core is brought to you by Rogue Pictures.
Now back to your regularly scheduled program.
What you should have been watching if you wanted some yuppie torture was Ils (aka Them) which I ranked #5 on my Top 10 horror movies of 2007.
A French horror flick that had more jumpy scares and eerieness then the Strangers.
Yes the mood and the darkness set up the horror to come, but I was overly bored. Scott Speedman and Liv Tyler are just spazzy young white couple who I could give 2 shits about. The psychopaths are made to be wicked smart, like they went to the Yale of serial killer school, working the triangle offense and always being 20 steps ahead of our yuppies.
That to me is why it failed. I like my killers a little flawed. I always root for them to kill without mercy, you know take no fuckin prisoners.
But I expect them to fuck up. Give the victims a fighting chance. That's the cat and mouse game of a solid horror film. Sometimes the mouse gets away, sometimes the cat shreds the mouse up.
Didn't you all at one point wanted to see Tom totally fuck up Jerry by stabbing him repeatedly?
It all ended the same, but you really never knew did ya?
Boring Plot-O-Matic
A young couple staying in an isolated vacation home are terrorized by three unknown assailants.
Awesome Review-O-Matic
Let's first say Liv and Scott are both a bunch of pussies. After a botched up marriage proposal by James (Speedman) him and Kristen (Tyler) slowly get spooked by our three headed menace. We get the "stay here and hide" speech one too many times. You know Speedman is not as tough as he looks (hey this aint Underworld dude) and it's highly unlikely Liv Tyler is gonna go all Buffy here.
And then we see glimpses of our killers.
Dollface, Man in the Mask and Pin Up Girl.
These are our killers folks.
Really? Wow I was practically wetting myself when they were doing the following.
Oooooohhhh you got their phone! That's so fuckin scary.
Oooooohhhhhh you crashed into their car with a fuckin Ford. Why don't they just commit suicide?
Ooooooohhhh you made Speedman accidentally kill his friend. I'm shitting bricks.
Ooooohhhhhh you smashed a radio. You get the Jason Voorhees medal of valor.
Ooooohhhhhhh your masks are fuckin scary. Awesome 99 cents store totally on clearance bargains!
Oooooohhhh you stab our yuppies in the stomach while their tied up. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
While I did admire the level of style this film has, and the killers motive of "Because you were home" is vague and utterly pointless, it still loses mucho horror points.
Remember, I'm the jaded viewer and I've seen the films you've copied from. Yeah this was written before Them but it wasn't written before fuckin Funny Games, Michael Haneke's ultra violent home invasion masterpiece (and I'm talking about the original, not the Watts/Roth American remake).
So yes, we must compare to the best home invasion horror film ever. And it doesn't even come close to the sicko fucked upness of Funny Games.
Alas, Halloween is coming up and your probably going to be looking for "scary movie". I've just listed 2 movies that you should rent or put to the top of your Netlfix queue.
If you really need your fix of yuppie toture-core, I'd bet my bloody OJ knife on those.
Gore-ipedia
Shotgun to the head Knife to the stomach
Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)
Some 10 secs of Liv Tyler soaking in the tub
WTF moment Our killers unmask (though you don't see their faces) The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis
I just read they are making part 2. Really? Seriously?
Some horror fans love this flick, some hate it. I'm in that Facebook group of "I hate this movie". It's good enough for 1 spinkick. It's damn lucky to get even that.
I've got high standards for the home invasion movie. If you can't live up to it, don't even try.
Perusing the trailers on other horror sites is part of the deal when running the jaded viewer. I only post trailers I find interesting.
So you won't see trailers for Saw V or some other Hollywood crap.
What you will see is the promotional teaser trailers for Gorehound Canned Film's Worst Case Scenario. Seems like the $$$ they we're getting from our pussy American companies fell thru, but I think they're now geared up and ready to go.
Yay for our Euro splatter counterparts across the pond.
The plot is making us gorehounds salivate....
This horror movie centers on the common friction between neighboring countries. It's a global phenomenon, and even in peaceful Western Europe you will find old grudges. If you dig deep enough.
In the final of the World Championship soccer games Holland and Germany are going to war. An American on a personal quest antagonizes a group of hooligans that chase him to a North Sea island. There awaits an opponent in a league of its own.
Aquatic Nazi Ghoul Zombies.
Nuff said.
Actually, that's not all. We get some awesome promo trailers!
Feast was #6 on my Top 10 horror movies of 2006. It took the typical horror stereotypes, ripped em to shreds and made a monster movie that was funny, sick and totally twisted.
Wash, rinse and repeat.
And now you get Feast 2. But this sequel still stinks of shit stains.
I really don't know what to make of it. It's got gore, pussing and oozing grossness and some funny one liners.
And it's still a yawnfest. How can they have screwed that up? Well let's see.
Boring Plot-O-Matic
The monsters have made it into a small neighboring town in the middle of nowhere and the locals have to band with the survivors of the bar' slaughter to figure out how to survive.
Awesome Review-O-Matic
Instead of me babbling on about how much this was disappointing, let's go through our 'types. Some die, some survive, but somehow I don't care.
The Regulars
1.) Honey Pie and Bartender
They're back from the original. They've got a killer fight scene that is pretty fucked up. When can you see a hot babe take on a McCain-ish geezer, and the geriatric wins.
Guest Stars
2.) Biker Queen and the Bleeders
They just didn't bring anything to the flick. Except gratuitous nudity. But then again it was biker lesbo gratuitous nudity. Oh well. I'll take whatever I can get.
3.) Greg and Secrets and Slasher
A menage o trois of looniness. Secrets (Slasher's wife) cheated on Slasher (a used carsalesman) with Greg (his coworker). Best of these three is Greg trying to be heroic and instead commits infanticide.
I mean he committed fuckin infanticide??!??!?
That was pretty sweet.
4.) Thunder and Lightning
Two little people (one a Mexican luchadore and the other a snarky Wee man) who kick ass. They love their grandma.
5.) The Monsters
OK let's see what I can remember. They have completely gone nuts, eating everything in sight, their penises flapping around and fucking animals.
Our survivors run alot. Watch survivors die and get eaten and then the movie ends abruptly so they can set up part 3.
Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)
Head decaps Flesh shredding Hammer head smashing Ear ripping Monster "bobitt-ing" Monster autopsy which includes: Organ grossness Weird Eye slaughter Monster vomit Monster guts Human vomit Monster sperm Decomposing grandma Pipe thru the skull Midget slaughter Infanticide and baby devouring
Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)
Biker babe boobies
WTF moment
I did mention infanticide right? The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis
There were some decent moments. But all in all, I was bored. As they filmed this movie back to back with Feast 3: The Happy Finish, maybe they saved all the good stuff for the final movie.
If you're into the Feast series, it's probably mandatory to watch this. But the hype was for not.
Maybe the next set of horror stereotypes will be more entertaining. And with the rumor of monster-human hybrids, it may actually be worth 2 shits.
