the jaded viewer

Carriers

Carriers (2009)

Directed by Alex and David Pastor

It's New Year's Eve! What better way to end 2009 with a post apocalyptic movie, right? So with my last post of 2009, I bring you my review of Carriers.

Carriers is sorta a uber depressing version of Zombieland without the funny and kinetic moving zombies. There are 4 people (2 dudes and 2 dudettes), they have their own "rules" and they are traveling the US of A to get to a happy place. See what I mean? However, in Carriers it's more realistic and there is no search for twinkies. Also, the "infected" don't want to eat your flesh.

Other than that, it's the same formula. But Paramount Vintage ignored this flick giving it a small release this year whereas Zombieland went global. Carriers is a solid flick and for 90 minutes beats down the every man for himself theme down your throat. Survival of the fittest is the motto in this post apocalyptic world. And because they stayed true to this, it makes quite an effective flick.

But you know what I realized after watching this? If there is EVER a zombie epidemic or a national infection that can't be quarantined, the United States of America is NOT the country you want to be in. We turn into dog eat dog killers and only think of ourselves. Does this happen in the Bahamas?


Boring Plot-O-Matic

Four kids are trying to outrun the end of the world – and each other. No one is safe from the viral pandemic threatening to wipe out the human race. The four friends speed across the Southwestern U.S. to reach a place of safety while facing moral decisions no human should ever be forced to face. They discover that their greatest enemy is not the microbe attacking humanity, but the darkness within themselves.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

So Carriers has rules like Zombieland (5 total compared to the 33 in Z) Let's go through them shall we?

1.) Avoid populated areas at all cost.

The virus in Carriers is never explained and that's a good thing. We get thrown into the movie right smack in the middle as they travel the back roads. All we know when we start our journey with these 4 musketeers is that a virus has wiped out most of humanity and they need the essentials to survive: water, food, bleach and especially gas.

Carriers uses the open country setting well and shows us daytime which makes a infection movie even creepier. I've always thought zombie or virus movies should show us more daytime scenes. Makes us feel we're not safe at all.

2.) If you come into contact with other people, assume they have it.

OK let's introduce our characters. James T. Kirk himself, Chris Pine plays Brian who with his brother Danny (Lou Taylor Pucci) his pseudo GF Kate (Emily VanCamp) and Brian's GF Bobby (Piper Perabo) are our road survivors. Brian plays the rogue self appointed leader, Danny the obedient lap dog, Kate plays the damsel and Bobby who hottie with a heart.

The rules comes into play when they meet a father (Christopher Meloni) and his daughter (who has the disease) who need gas but as they follow rule #1, fate brings all of them together. The movie is one long road trip, we hear things about what may or may not be going on and they all end up at an abandoned school searching for a supposed cure.

Carriers is one depressing rest stop after another. The film gives some glimmer of hope, then coughs up and kills it without any remorse. It's this sort of without mercy storytelling that has an abandon all hope attitude.

Also, we get more in depthiness with our characters. The relationship between Brian and Danny is meshed with hostility and love and we get to hear some backstory of their lives before the virus. It's clearly a way to get us to care for these people and even at times dislike them. In many of these type of movies, the flick doesn't have time to let us know anything about our heroes. Instead, it's "Be chased! Run! Shoot in head!". Carriers allows us to get to know these people and all of them are a tad cool once you get to know them.

3.) The virus can survive on surfaces for up to 24 hours.

This rule should be combine with #4. So see the #4.

4.) Never touch anything that's not disinfected (or disinfect anything they've touched in the last 24 hours)

So obviously one of them gets infected. It's these moments that are as deeply human as they are real. I remember seeing the lines for the H1N1 vaccines and if you think about it, if there was a shortage, people would just be selfish and probably horde the vaccines. Would you do the same? It's easy to not care for a stranger but could you leave your husband, your wife, your kids just to save yourself?

It's always the same question these virus/zombie movies put to the test. As much as you'd like to think you'd take the high ground and be all Pope-ishly moral, I highly doubt we'd actually be civilized in an uncivilized world.

Carriers tries to answer this with hard truths.

5.) Take what you need and never look back (or the sick are already dead, they can't be saved)

After a confrontation with another survivor group at a country club, our scooby gang see the other end of the spectrum when they are questioned and all their supplies are taken. The ending is completely bleak and is the same tone throughout. No happy endings here, no reenacting Ghostbusters will Bill Murray.

Carriers is as depressing as you can get for a post apocalyptic movie (though I hear The Road is more so). Sure, I can dig a downer ending but I'd hope we'd have some hope of goodness inside all of us. Maybe I'm pessimestic about the human race (shit, it could be because I'm American) but I always thought the idea of an end of the world movie is to show how bad it can get and we can lose all our beliefs, but we can stick to at least one. I am a glass half full sorta guy. I think there are some of us that give a shit about each other.

Am I being naive? Maybe so, but that's why Carriers won't make my Top 20 list. I wanted to think we could be better than we are. It's that damn Star Trek vision of the future I guess.

Overall, Carriers is an effective film of post apocalyptic survival, characters you care about and a live and let die philosophy of who we are.

Wow, I'm totally depressed now. Maybe I'll move to the Bahamas.

Gore-ipedia

Infected ickyness
Virus trauma

Nude-ipedia

Oh I would have paid $5 to see Piper Perabo naked...but she isn't

WTF moment

Brian goes postal on some Christians

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Happy New Year's Eve! Trust me, this is not the flick you want to see going into 2010. But I can see why this was put on many Top 10 lists for 2009. It's a gritty, realistic and depressing look into the infection doomsday genre and doesn't care to give you any happy ending. See this, then see Zombieland. Its total ying and yang.

Carriers comes out on DVD on December 29th. Head over to the official site for more goodies.

Rating:

1/2

Check out the trailer below.

Labels: 2009 horror dvd, 2009 horror movies, 2009 horror trailers, carriers, ebola virus, infected, post apocalyptic, zombieland

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Deadgirl

Deadgirl (2009)

Directed by Marcel Sarmiento and Gadi Harel

"Wanna see a dead body?"

Deadgirl is like a depraved, warped up horror version of Stand by Me. Think an indie film with a horror element Romero-ed into it. Such is the beauty and the chill sicko-ness of Deadgirl, definitely one of the top 10 horror movies of 2009.

I've seen films where as I'm watching I feel really ashamed to be seeing this. Deadgirl so disturbing yet highly provocative that at the end you feel dirty, kinda ugh and your definitely not Jersey Shore fist pumping in the air. But when a movie like this comes along, you have to give it a standing O. It puts on screen images that challenge your morality, question your ethics, think of things a little differently and amp up your Klingon vengeance served cold. So many emotions are rushed into you in an hour 40 min, that even though they're not happy thoughts, it leaves an impact even the most logical Vulcan would feel. (yay! 2 Star Trek references in 2 straight sentences!)

Deadgirl is what a horror movie that runs fuel of all that is wrong, but somehow you want to see this Elephant Man car all the way to the end. That's the nature of seeing something so raw, so real and so disturbingly human.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Two high school boys discover an imprisoned woman in an abandoned mental asylum who cannot die.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Rickie (Shiloh Fernandez) and JT (Noah Segan) are stoner high school friends, our stereotypical high school burnouts who discover in a abandoned mental hospital a decaying woman who is unbelievably alive. Their discovery and what they should do is shocking but also establishes who these kids are. Rickie is our anti-hero, whose ethically challenged and JT who basically wants to play with their new sex toy and has no qualms about doing some fucked up shit.

In the middle of all this, Rickie has a uber crush on JoAnn, who is the GF of jock douchebag Johnny. After JT brings their other friend Wheeler into the mix, the wheels start turning as we see JT and Wheeler violate the decomposing corpse and Rickie struggling with what do. The film focuses on Rickie, his family life, his obsessive stalker persona of JoAnn and keeping this fuckin huge secret...well a secret. Later, others "discover" what's going on, pay for their horniness and leads to a JT vs Rickie vs Deadgirl showdown. The core will have figured out the ending but the jabronis (the few who attempted to watch this) will be screaming bloody murder.

Got all that?
To review this movie you really have to strip the horror part of the zombie girl out of the mix. Because when you do, all your left with is a movie about men's perception of women, a teenage angst high school flick and the control of your destiny. Sure, we got zombies, some gore and splatter but Sarmiento and Harel could have easily made an ALIVE girl and not a Deadgirl and we would be talking about the same things (and worst, it would have made this movie 1 billion times more disturbing).

The misogyny engrained in Deadgirl is highly graphic. Not glamorized but highly gritty, the dead girl (played by Jenny Spain) is repeatedly raped and tortured. Treated as a piece of meat, the film takes the high ground in terms of torture porn. All the men who partake don't do it because they are evil (I mean they are...to do this, you gotta be fucked up) but because it's controlled and predictable. The opportunity is 100% guaranteed and in this adolescent world, it is - the peer pressure that overtakes all logic.

This segways into the teenage high school angst aspect. JT, Rickie and Wheeler get the crap beaten out of them by the jockiest jocks. With no control in the outside world, they are crawl into the basement of the mental asylum where they are in control. Deadgirl plays into the high school dynamic perfectly. In one way, Rickie goes back and forth between the two. His love for JoAnn in the real world is unpredictable and painful as opposed to this deadgirl world. But Deadgirl doesn't deliver us a John Hughes Bender/Claire happy ending. It's too smart to know we won't buy it. Instead, the reality of the 2 worlds clashes and in the end you get one that's blended like a bizarro world.

And that's why JT and Wheeler embrace the dead girl world. In a most WTF moment,JT puts lipstick and a glamor mag on the dead girl to make her "attractive". They have accepted that they'll be pumping gas or live a life destined to servicing the above classes. JT utters this to Rickie towards the end of the movie.

"Think about it, we're just can fodder for the rest of the world. Down here we're in control. We call the shots down here....you don't have to be the nice guy"

Three distinct issues are blended into a movie and throw in a zombie girl (fun fact! the term zombie is never uttered by any of the characters) and it all equals a horror movie that you want to recommend but are ashamed to admit you watched. What the Deadgirl represents is multiple ideas. Our objectification of women, our longing to be better than who we are and our motivation to control our lives and the moments in them because we thing it's the easiest route to happiness.

Filled with the most disturbing and fucked up scenes of human depravity and even some moments of ha ha's, Deadgirl has vaulted up on my list of the best horror movies of 2009. The performances from the no-name cast are solid as is the story from Trent Haaga and the direction from Sarmiento and Harel. The disturbing images and some scenes of drag and even a few hiccuping weirdness knock out a half from my rating. When I tell you a movie makes an impact, don't take that shit likely.

That's my way of telling you to see this film with a bag over my head.

Gore-ipedia

Oozing oozes
Corpse rotting
Face and lip trauma
Corpse yuckiness
Deadgirl ickyness

Nude-ipedia

Is corpse nudity considered nudity?

WTF moment

Zombie BJ
One hell of a shit
Big momma kicks the crap out JT and Wheeler

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

This is another movie I've watched towards the end of the year so I can come up with a clear list of my top 10 horror movies of 2009. I do this every year and every freakin year something gets bumped that I originally had on there.

The fact that Deadgirl is going to bump something off the list, says frakin volumes.

It's out on DVD, probably through Amazon and Netflix or wherever you get your movies these days.

Rating:

1/2

Check out the trailer below.

Labels: 2009 horror dvd, 2009 horror movies, 2009 horror trailers, american horror, deadgirl, indepentent horror, indie horror, zombies, zombies pov

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Will any of these 8 movies actually be good? After watching 7 of the 8 movies from Horrorfest 3, I can say all of them were scratch your eyeballs bad. The shit I went through after seeing Perkins 14 summarizes this at its worst.

But 2010 is a new year and we have a new batch of movies. So like I did before, I've posted as many of the trailers I could find for all the movies below. Also included are my thoughts on each of them solely based on the trailer.

Which of these do you think might actually be worth forking over a few bucks to see? I say none of them but that's the jaded viewer in me.

1.) Zombies of Mass Destruction




the jaded viewer says: Really? A political zomedy? Umm..err..I thought the zombie genre died in 2009? Could be like Dance of the Dead, could be utter crap. I'd go with the latter.

2.) The Reeds




the jaded viewer says: Oversexed teens vacation turned into survivor horror. ZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Yawn-o-rama.

3.) The Final




the jaded viewer says: The Breakfast Club meets torture porn. That was inevitable. Do high school teenagers even bully anymore? I mean when you see shit like this, I'd be scared out of my mind. Could be yay, more than likely it will be nay.

4.) Hidden aka Skjult




the jaded viewer says: I don't even know what they're saying and I can tell this is gonna suck. Oooh crazy images mixed with fancy editing and tons of bass. This is Norwegian (I think After Dark got this because they thought this might be Dead Snow 2)

5.) Dread



the jaded viewer says: You think the Twilight tweens will come en masse to see this because somebody from that flick is in it? OMG, this looks like MTV produced web series like crap. Oooh what's your fear? My fear is I'll accidentally see this. This looks like the worst of the lineup.

6.) Lake Mungo




the jaded viewer says: Making sure they are not left off of the Paranormal Activity bandwagon, After Dark picks up Lake Mungo. Yuppers folks. It's a faux documentary about ghosts and paranormal blah blah blah. Sometimes its too late to catch the wake of the shaky camp ghost flicks. Too little, too late Lake Mungo. WTF is a Mungo?

7.) The Graves



the jaded viewer says: Hot girls, road trip, evil possessed town, Bill Moseley and Tony Todd. Oh sure it looks like it might be good. It looks yummy but when you bite into it it's gonna taste like feces. From the trailer, this might actually be the best of all the flicks. But I've been wrong so many times. I can't tell anymore.

8.) TBD

To be announced

OK horror minions. Is there even one film in these 7 flicks so far that might be worth seeing? In any case, head over to the official After Dark Horrorfest site for more plot summaries and stills. They've also got a Facebook, MySpace and a Twitter pages.

After Dark Horrorfest will be in theaters from January 29, 2010 to February 4, 2010.

Labels: after dark, after dark horrorfest 2009 reviews, after dark horrorfest 2010, after dark horrorfest 3, after dark horrorfest 4, horrorfest

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Thirst (Bakjwi)

Thirst (2009)

Directed by Chan-wook Park

Where do I start? When a movie plays out so magnificently as Chan-Wook Park's Thirst, you applaud and you feel like a million bucks afterwards. It's simply genius that Park can take the vampire and create a story interwoven with identity, betrayal, moralilty and love.

I absolutely loved the film in all its awesomness even with a disjointed 3 part act. The critics will squeal it goes from a priest inflicted with vampirism and the conflict of his morals being compromised to a Buffy-Angel like forbidden love story to a Mickey and Mallory Natural Born Killers slant towards the end.

But each act works and any section of this movie could have been evolved into its own movie. Oh the comparisons to Let The Right One In are inevitable but Thirst delves into a world where the demon inside a vampire manipulates the personality of its host and it's this aspect I totally loved.

What I want to talk about that possibly other critics and reviews haven't gone over is that unique perspective on Thirst. When you can take the lore and utilize it to create conflict and raise questions others have not, the film begs to be talked about. So grab a bottle of True Blood and let's get started.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A failed medical experiment turns a man of faith into a vampire.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Act I:

"Take this, all of you, and drink from it: this is the cup of my blood, the blood of the new and everlasting covenant. It will be shed for you and for all so that sins may be forgiven. Do this in memory of me."

Do I need to rehash plot here? Well maybe just so we can get it out of the way. Father Sang-hyeon (Kang-ho Song) is a Roman Catholic priest in Korea who gives Last Rites to the dying. With his faith wavering he decides to participate in a medical experiment to cure the deadly EV virus but a last minute transfusion of blood turns him into a night demon: a vampire.

Now hailed as a saint having survived, his transformation starts. The film approaches this in a stellar way. Blending black humor with a sense of wonder, Sang-hyeon tries not to kill at first but to get his fix in other ways. Realizing he has all the symptoms of vampirism (allergic to sunlight, superhuman strength and discovering he can heal from wounds after taking his first taste of blood from a car crash victim) he starts to think of inventive ways to quench his thirst. In one fantastic scene he drinks blood through a IV from a comatose "fat cake sponge guy".

The photography again is simply beautiful here as each scene is like a painting set in motion. The simple camera movements, the seemless CGI to see "wounds heal" is flawless. Sang-hyeon's life however is now a conflict filled with contradictions. Struggling to keep his morals he's been compromised and is now pretty much a walking oxymoron.

How does a man of faith live with the blood thirsty demon living inside him?

Kang-ho Song is simply fantastic as Sang. At times, he doesn't speak but his face emotes clear emotion. In a scene where his head priest wants some of his blood to live, you can see a spectrum of emotions engulf him. Love, duty, repulsion, hatred and fear. Solid stuff.

Act II:

"Give us this day our daily bread; and forgive us our trespasses; as we forgive those who trespass, against us; and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil."

Sang meets up with an old childhood friend Kang-woo, his beautiful wife and Kang-woo's mother. He joins his friend's mahjong game but becomes infatuated with Tae-ju (Ok-bin Kim) who has led a troubled life as well (she being a indentured servant to her "mom" and wife to Kang-woo, a complete gross idiot). In one surreal scene she air stabs her husband's open mouth as he sleeps.
Later, Sang is overwhelmed by his new sexual needs and Tae-ju disgusted by her family they have an affair and a very arduous grunt-a-thon.


Happy Happy Fun Time!

Sang shares his secret with Tae-ju and we get a "hey I'm a vampire, look at the cool shit I can do" standard montage. Busting a lampost, jumping from a building and bending coins to impress the girl.

End Happy Happy Fun Time!

Sang's sense of justice comes in when Tae-ju tells him Kang-woo has been beating her. On a fishing trip, he drowns Kang-woo with his new GF's help. But his first kill goes badly for both of them as they then start to have waking nightmares.

Park's visuals here are unbelievably dreamlike. They are true waking nightmares as Kang-woo's drenched corpse invades them in their sleep. At times, it plays off goofy but I didn't mind the lightheartedness of it all. In a film like this, you really have to take the prepostrous and inject some humor. Think Buffy-ized moments.

Later, mommy in law gets stroked and becomes a helpless handicapper and both Sang and Tae-ju confront and reveal their trespasses.

Here is where I believe the film transcends into uber-awesome. I theorize that when one becomes a vampire, the demon aspect slowly blends into the personality of the infected. As a man of faith, Sang struggles with the urges of the evilness of being a vampire and his humanity. Whereas a human who becomes a vampire with evilness already ingrained, the demon qualities manifest themselves rather quickly (as we find out later with Tae-ju).

It's the morality of this mad love couple that's so interesting see evolve. Sang is almost virgin like, keeping with the high ground. Tae-ju, a victim of a crappy life does what we would all do. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Park takes the time to make us feel for Tae-ju then rips it away from us when she "reveals" her true self. Sang is a representation of who we SHOULD be but Tae-ju is a representation of who we REALLY are. Beautiful storytelling, the viewer isn't prepared for any of it.

Act III:

"May the Lord accept the sacrifice at your hands for the praise and glory, of his name, for our good, and the good of all his Church."

With Tae-ju now a newly transformed vampire, they both resort to killing new victims to keep the EV sickness at bay and quenching their never ending thirst. Tae-ju is consumed by her new powers and in a very Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon like scene, Sang chases after her from building to building.

After a massacre to feed their hungers, a new transformation occurs within Sang-hyun. Accepting who he is and what he's made Tae-ju, we get a glorious ending that doesn't miss a beat.

Wow I sure wrote a lot didn't I?

Let me just say, I LOVED THIS MOVIE. Thirst is a tour de force masterpiece of storytelling, bloodsucking and faith. There is a checklist of what I think makes a good movie.

• An interesting concept/plot
• Engrossing characters
• Memorable scenes
• Humor and WTF moments
• A satisfying ending

Thirst accomplishes all of this and is 110% going to be on my Top 10 Horror Movies of 2009. Chan-wook Park established himself with his Vengeance Trilogy. Those movies revolutionized the action genre With Thirst he's done it again. The horror genre will never be the same.

Gore-ipedia

Blood sucking
Severed necks
Punctured lungs
Variety of blood in different forms

Nude-ipedia

Ok-bin Kim as Tae-ju boobies (very yummy boobies I might add)

WTF moment

Tae-ju's kills (all of em)

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Trust me, you will never have seen a movie like this. This is a movie that will NEVER be remade by Hollywood. Well if it did, they'd turn Sang-hyun from a priest to a sanitation worker or some crap. Can you imagine if they did remake this? Conservative, church going Republicans would go ape shit. I'm surprised the Vatican didn't make seeing this film a mortal sin.

It's pretty long, 2 hours and 10 min or so and at times it tends to drag but taken as whole it doesn't disappoint. Thirst will definitely quench the rabid horror fan or even the most jaded viewer. Actually, it did!

Rating:
Check out the trailer below.

Labels: 2009 horror dvd, 2009 horror movies, chan wook park, korean horror, oldboy, thirst, thirst trailer, twilight, vampire kids, vampires

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Merry Christmas everyone! Here's hoping you got all the presents you wanted and some you can hopefully re-gift. Well I do have a gift for you all as well. My gift to you is some of my holiday themed posts I've written this year packaged for you in this nice bow tied post.

Check them out below.

• Top 10 Holiday Characters That Could Be Turned Into Unstoppable Killing Machines

• Christmas Themed Horror Movies You May Have Forgotten

• The Shortround: Black Santa's Revenge (Teaser Trailer)

Not enough for you? Well Black Dynamite has a message for you too!





You want more? OK, go ahead and watch Xmas Trees slaughter happy families on Christmas morning. It's Treevenge!!! (yeah I know everybody gonna post this up on their blog and site...what the hell, I might as well to)

Part 1




We will return you to your show after this brief horror Christmas related commercial message.....





We now return you to your regularly scheduled program.....


Part 2

Labels: christmas, santa claus, the jaded viewer, treevenge, zombies

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Don't worry, my Top 10 Horror Movies of 2009 is coming next month (early January). But I wanted to make a list of some of the best non-horror movies I saw this year. I've broken out into the "Box Office Elephants" (your standard summer blockbusters) and the "You heard of these and you still didn't go see it" (straight to DVD, independents, DVDs picked up by US distributors, etc.)

Some of these movies were awesome, some were awesome if you went in with low expectations (ahem G.I. Joe, Terminator) and some were sleeper hits that totally shocked me with how mega-rific they were.

Let's look back on 2009 and see how Hollywood's summer elephants took on the mice of the independent scene.

"Box Office Elephants"

The LOLs

1.) The Hangover

the jaded viewer says: The best comedy of 2009. Nuff said.

2.) Bruno

the jaded viewer says: Not has good as Borat but the shock moments live up to the hype. Bruno brought about Middle East peace...in latex.

3.) Capitalism: A Love Story

the jaded viewer says: Love em or hate em, Michael Moore can turn our economic depression into ironic ha ha's.

The OMGs

1.) District 9

the jaded viewer says: Easily one of the best movies of 2009. The satire is pretty obvious but Blomkamp blends in alien buggers seemlessly into our world and they have personality!

2.) Star Trek

the jaded viewer says: Even if you aren't a Trekkie, you now know who James Tiberius Kirk is. But Spock easily steals the show by being more emotional than a WWE wrestler.

3.) Inglorious Basterds

the jaded viewer says: This jumped to #3 on my Best Quentin Tarantino movies (ahead of Reservoir Dogs!). Fear The Bear!

4.) Watchmen

the jaded viewer says: You really needed to read the graphic novel to get the subtleties of what Watchmen was all about. But Zach Snyder really did make a great movie out of the holy grail of graphic novels Alan Moore/Dave Gibbons Watchmen.

5.) Terminator: Salvation

the jaded viewer says: A lot of people really thought this was awful. Well, I didn't think so. I thought it captured the essence of the Future War that was always talked about. John Connor's scar origin, Arnold's cameo and Kyle Reese and Marcus are brought to life. McG did a solid job here.

"You heard of these and you still didn't go see it"

The LOLs with punches in the face

1.) Black Dynamite

the jaded viewer says: I gave this movie 4 spinkicks! What more needs to be said? Blaxploitation ha ha's at its freakin finest. Here's an actual line spoken by Black Dynamite:

"Your knowledge of scientific biological transmogrification is only matched by your zest of kung-fu treachery"

2.) Big Man Japan

the jaded viewer says: It's hard to describe this "superhero" movie from Japan but take a bit of Ultraman and mix in Godzilla and you have Big Man Japan. You gotta take my word on this. You will laugh yourself into a coma when you see this.

3.) Crank 2: High Voltage

the jaded viewer says: Not an indie by any stretch, you may have missed Jason Statham's return as Chev Chelios (and his faulty artificial heart). Chev, Amy Smart and a horesetrack. If you've seen it, you know what I mean.

4.) Ong Bak 2

the jaded viewer says: Tony Jaa makes it look so easy. Not as good as the original, the stunts and action sequences here are still vintage Jaa and you won't get bored when knees, elbows and spinkicks are clobbering henchmen.

Spectacular DIY Independents

1.) Ink

the jaded viewer says: The best independent movie to come out this year. It's visually eye candy, a lovely story and filled with characters and dreams you wish you could dream about.

2.) No Right Turn

the jaded viewer says: Grime and crime noir at its best. David Noele Burke's films echoes Tarantino but turns in a crime fairy tale. Good times.

3.) The Local

the jaded viewer says: It's like a Bukowski poem come to life. Crime drama with some kick, Dan Eberle's NYC indie is filled with lowlife characters and an anti-hero with a heart.

You've all seen the elephants, I think you should try to feed the mice. Many of these films are available on Netflix, Amazon and other big box stores. If you need to go to the official site to purchase, seriously buy yourself a present this Christmas and get em. You won't be disappointed.

Did I miss one's on your list? Got any recommendations for me? Go and leave a comment and let me know. Like I said, my Top 10 Horror Movies of 2009 is coming soon (once I see the flicks I missed this year).

Bring on 2010!

Labels: Best Movies of 2009, big man japan, black dynamite, crank 2, district 9, inglourious basterds review, ink, ong bak 2

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Grace

Grace (2009)

Directed by Paul Solet

So is this what Blade's mother went through?

I've been watching the supposed "best" horror movies of 2009 so I can make a solid list of the years best. Grace has been put on many of these lists and I went in thinking this was a shoe in to be on there.

Well horror minions, its not going to be.

It's a very well made flick, the aura of the mommy and daughter bond is nurturingly depraved but all in all, I just didn't feel it pushed it into the stratosphere of OMG awesomeness!

For me Grace is an exercise of stretching a short (see the short via Freddy in Space) into a full length film and actually making it worse. It should have played out a little more surreal. Some have actually said its a stretch to call Grace a horror movie. That its much more. I disagree. It's pure horror. I mean its about a baby that craves blood! What's more horrorific than that?

That's not to say the movie doesn't have it creepy moments. It's a mixed bag of roasted peanut goodness plus some terrible tasting cashews in there. So as much as I wanted to love Grace, I just couldn't. And so we're going into a trimester breakdown of the film. Yup, I'm using gratuitous cliches.

Boring Plot-O-Matic


Awesome Review-O-Matic

The 1st trimester (aka the first 35 minutes)

Jordan Ladd and Stephen Park are Madeline and Michael Matheson, who have been trying to have a child and finally have one on the way. We meet Madeline's mother in law Vivian (Gabrielle Rose) who we get right away is one of those antagonizing mothers that can drive you crazy. Seems Madeline is a vegan, soy milking PETA endorsing type and she wants to deliver naturally so they go see a midwife Patricia (Samantha Ferris).

The first 35 is all set up to the birth and death of our newborn Grace. After a scare in the hospital, a car accident leaves Michael dead, Madeline alive and the baby...well we don't know what the baby's condition is. Madeline has the pregnancy to term and delivers via Patricia, a stillborn baby....very much dead.

The penultimate scene (taken from the short) is when after giving birth Patricia proclaims "You can't will a...". It's chilling and effective when the baby jumps to life. Very twistedly goosebumpy and you know this can only lead to successive WTF moments. The movie than goes into those moments via slow burn. Most of America has ADD, so with a 5 hour energy drink and a Red Bull I painstakingly paid attention.

So what do we get?

• Grace deteriorating via a bath
• Grace throwing up mommy's breast milk
• And a closing shot from the POV of Grace lookingthrough the fly net with Madeline looking at the accumulating flies (this is one of the best scenes in the film)

The 2nd trimester (the next 30 minutes)

This is where we see mom and daughter bond and were the supposed transcendent portion of this bond. Madeline soon finds out Grace craves blood and she does everything she can to accommodate. The scenes of nurturing seem lacking for me. From sacrificing her vegan ways to a obvious murder, I could see the argument being made for the pro "What would you do for your child?" contingent.

It's a surreal motherhood in action and fascinating to watch but here's my beef. Sure, Grace shows sign of zombieness or vampire hybridy but for being the titular character should have been a little more anti-normal. If we saw Grace decomposing (yeah that does sound horrible I know) that would have made more of an impact on Madeline's actions. In the short, Grace is shown in q more gruesome fashion. I think we really needed that so we can see Madeline's transformation of mom to psycho mom.

You can't tell me the vagueness of whats Grace is didn't bother you. This is a horror movie and some subtle hint would have been nice. Ladd is solid in her performance as we see her succumb the demands of servicing Grace. Mentally and physically we see her deteriorate just like her baby. It's a good parallel and I would have liked to see more of it.

The 3rd trimester (the last 15 minutes)

The conclusion is filled with reveals and discovery by all those involved. I did like the poetic last moments of Madeline being a mom to the very end. But for a film that built up a intensity of this mother-daughter bond, we end on such an odd note and with a tad of black humor. Why the black humor now? This could have easily been inserted throughout the film to relax the audience and the viewer and play on their natural instincts.

For 70 or so minutes, Grace doesn't give us moments to breathe. It's psychologically and disturbing throughout. That's not to say I wanted some ha ha's on such a serious toned movie, but we are dealing with a bloodsucking infant here.

Overall, Grace is stretched out from a short to a feature and you can see some of the stretch marks on what didn't work. The idea is sound, the performances solid and the bits of gore are well done. But at the end of it, Grace's message doesn't resonate intensely on the "What would you do for your child" theme like say The Children or Orphan does (killer kid movies that emanate that theme perfectly).

Grace is definitely unlike any horror film I've ever seen (I do agree on that). But if I were to be the midwife on this movie and help it deliver, my suggestion to Paul Solet would be this.

Push the boundaries and go beyond the beyond. In other words, not just make a feature out of your short but challenge the viewer thematically and visually with something they will never forget.


Gore-ipedia

Fly trauma
Blood gushing
Hammer to the head
Bottle blood drainage

Nude-ipedia

See WTF moment

WTF moment

Old people doing it!! My eyes! My eyes!! I'm blind!!!

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

This is the 2nd time this week I haven't fully liked one of the supposed best horror movies of 2009. I don't get caught in any bandwagon hype and I stick by my thoughts. Like em or hate em, I review a film in a way where the average horror moviegoer gets represented as well as the typically jaded viewer.

Grace is available on BluRay and DVD via Amazon.com.

Rating:
Check out the trailer below.

Labels: 2009 horror dvd, 2009 horror movies, 2009 horror trailers, Adam Green, arieScope pictures, grace, grace review

Posted by the jaded viewer at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Courtesy of Bloody Disgusting comes this little French-Canadian psychological horror mind f*ck of a film. After watching the trailer, it has the feel of Inside and a mix of Funny Games. Something just resonated and impulsed me to put up the trailer.

Here be the plot.

5150 ELM'S WAY is located at the end of a quiet street in a small town. When Yannick fell off his bike, he knocked at the door of the Beaulieu residence so he could clean the blood off his hands. But Jack Beaulieu and his family had other plans for Ian. Beaulieu is a righteous psychopath and fanatic chess player who wants to rid the world of evil. And even though Ian has done nothing wrong, he is beaten, tortured and tormented before Beaulieu makes him an offer: win at chess and he is free to go. And so Ian is now a pawn in Beaulieu 's game. A game in which he will either lose his mind or his life.

Check out the trailer below.

Labels: 2009 horror trailers, 5150 elm's way, 5150 elms way trailer, canadian horror, french horror

Posted by the jaded viewer at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Drag Me To Hell

Drag Me To Hell (2009)

Directed by Sam Raimi

There was some ying but no yang.

That's the best way to describe my feelings towards Drag Me To Hell. I too was excited by Raimi's returning to his horror roots. So going in and finally watching this, I was a little hyped. But as I watched the movie I noticed something that bothered me.

I couldn't watch the movie without flashbacking to what I liked about Raimi's other flicks. Evil Dead series, Darkman even Spiderman.

And then it hit me. Drag Me To Hell was making me remember everything I love about Raimi's work except one thing.

It didn't have a hero (or in this case a heroine).

And this is why I'm going to give it the rating I give it. And I'll explain why.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A loan officer ordered to evict an old woman from her home finds herself the recipient of a supernatural curse, which turns her life into a living hell. Desperate, she turns to a seer to try and save her soul, while evil forces work to push her to a breaking point.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

The critics can't be wrong right? 92% fresh on Rotten Tomatoes, the film is on numerous top 10 lists and praised by numerous mainstream horror sites and the blogosphere. OK here is where I become a salmon and swim against the current. I'll tell you what I liked, what I didn't like and just because I know everybody saw this, I'm not going to rehash plot and shit. I will try to just summarize my thoughts with Evil Dead quotes...hopefully you won't throw feces at me after reading this review.

"I know now that my wife has become host to a Kandarian demon. I fear that the only way to stop those possessed by the spirits of the book is through the act of... bodily dismemberment."

-Voice on the recorder

OK lets go through the awesome shit of Drag Me To Hell. The Lamia demon is pure mega-rific Universal monsters fun. All the great Raimi's angles and closeups and wicked camera movements are in full effect. Raimi going back to solid basics is always good stuff. Adding to the effect are all the awesome shock scare moments. Pure, vintage Raimi.

Rattling pans, curtains fluttering, shadowy glimpses, window breaking and the best jump scares are all back in action. From gushing bloody noses and mouths to gypsy lady in a closet and anvil droppings. All good shit. Eye popping action, flies on our lens, talking goats. Yay. I also really never get tired of regurgitation in my horror comedies. The entire sequence as Christine fights off Grandma Ganush in the car is brilliantly yummy. No complaints. Keep the poop in check for now.

Henrietta: I'll swallow your soul! I'll swallow your soul! I'll swallow your soul!
Ash: [Aims shotgun at Henrietta's face] Swallow this.

Alison Lohman as Christine does a decent job screaming and just has that Pam Beasly look to her. Act tough! Act scared! Act concerned! Act loan officer-ish! Justin Long is OK as the everyday guy who is clueless but Dileep Rao as Rham Jas gives us a good ole seance guy and makes us believe the demonology.

"Then let's head on down into that cellar and carve ourselves a witch." -Ash

OK. Here is why I think the movie lacks. The problem lies with Christine. She never goes into hero mode. Not even an anti-hero mode. I'm not looking for her to be Ash or Spidey or Darkman but I need her to believe that the forces of evil are real. Each of Raimi's other heroes BELIEVE in the impossible, the supernatural and the tech. And then they kick the shit out of it.

With all the devlish demons of hell tormenting Christine, she still seemed surprised by it all. Oh yes, she believes eventually but towards the end Rham Jas asks her to repeat the line: "I welcome the dead to my soul" and then Jas tells her "You must believe it! It's like Christine was playing the "this is still not real" perception even after everything that happened to her.

My main point is this. Christine continues to play the victim until the very end (and we know what happens at the end). It's debatable to speculate if she deserved what happened to her but I needed her to fight back. Be the heroine, femme up and be a pseudo vintage final girl. Instead, she pays 10gs and hires backup.

But Raimi is also at fault. He built up a high octane demon vs medium seance then unleashes a deux ex machina on us which of course is to give the button to somebody else, thus passing the curse. This is what he ends the movie with which is like a roller coaster going to its highest point then dipping down at 200 mph. I mean who didn't see the envelope switch. It was rather obvious. But that's not the point.

The point I'm trying to make is were suppose to have good vs evil. It's what makes a good horror movie. Yes you can make the hero grey or muddled, possibly even non likeable but there is suppose to be a give and take. A ying and a yang. Demon attacks, hero fights back. Hero fights back, demon attacks. Ultimately good triumphs over evil (though I do love when evil wins too).

The fact Christine suffers and gets attacked and only waits until the end to metaphorically load up her chainsaw with some mediums do we get any fight from her. As a character, Lohman plays her as sympathetic but fuck it, she's not. She screwed the old lady and deserves the shit that's coming to her. She probably is the cause of the entire United States economy going into a depression. Damn banks and loans lenders can go straight to hell as far as I'm concerned (pun so well intended)

Drag Me To Hell is vintage Raimi but it shows off his rust as he comes back into the horror genre (OMG! You guys just threw poop at me didn't you?) I did love some of the moments but as I said I think we encountered a few hiccups along the way. If you step back and think about the film, you'll see what I mean. Throughout the entire movie I wanted Sylvia Ganush and the Lamia demon to drag that money grubbing bank employee to hell.

I gave her a chance of survival of about 10%. Why?It's not like she's a hero or anything.

Gore-ipedia

Vomitous Gratuitous
Ocular trauma
Stapler trauma
Feline trauma
You know the rest

Nude-ipedia

Nada

WTF moment

Ganush can kick ass

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

So I'm giving Drag Me To Hell 2 spinkicks. And no, its probably not making my Top 10 list of 2009. This is what I thought and you can brand me a Raimi traitor if you wish. I just didn't think the movie was spectacular as everyone else did.

OK, let me know what you think. I can take it. But please, no more poop. Don't you have tomatoes?

Rating:
Check out the trailer below.



DRAG ME TO HELL: Movie Trailer - Watch the best video clips here

Labels: 2009 horror dvd, 2009 horror movies, 2009 horror trailers, ash, drag me to hell, evil dead, sam raimi

Posted by the jaded viewer at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Oh this is going to be an interesting WTF List. Why? Because as a Richard Kelly fan (I absolutely loved Donnie Darko and hated Southland Tales) I was totally pulled in so many different directions wit this flick.

It's 2 freakin hours and I had seen the episode called "Button, Button" on the new Twilight Zone. I posted up the trailerand the episode a while back. So I knew there was a kinda twisty twist in here. But its all the rest of the confusion that gets to you. It's the most understandable of all the Richard Kelly flicks yet the most illogical and the most confusing.

If you've seen it, you know what I mean. If you haven't, well this is just a list of random thoughts and mumbo jumbo after having seen it.

So let's get to the WTF list shall we? (spoilers obviously)

1.) It's 1976! Why? Because 1 million dollars is alot of money in 1976!
2.) Cameron Diaz can't do a Southern accent..its like a shrieking noise on the subway
3.) Frank Langella is missing half his face because well he looks more V like
4.) They get The Box and get the offer from Steward. Push the button and get (cue Dr. Evil voice) "1 million dollars" but somebody dies that you DON'T know...(ahem pay attention!).
5.) Push the button! Push the button! Push the button! Push the button! Push the button!
6.) Don't push the button! Don't push the button! Don't push the button! Don't push the button!
7.) Push the button! Push the button! Push the button! Push the button! Push the button!
8.) Don't push the button! Don't push the button! Don't push the button! Don't push the button!
9.) Well she pushed the button which of course had to happen or there wouldn't be a movie right? I mean what would happen if she didn't? Would we watch a flick where Cameron Diaz went to work, has to choose b/w 2 different guys and hilarity ensues (like all her chick flick movies)
10.) Well some waiter dude is acting all creepy, which prompted me to get a juice box
11.) Yay for philosophical quotes and Arthur C. Clarke references
12.) Yup. The Box has elements of Body Snatchers for no apparent reason
13.) Gratuitous running in a library
14.) My theory is proved true of what The Box really is for and whose behind it (about 45 or so minutes in)
15.) Pick #2! OMG why is this dude suspended with water? Thank you Richard Kelly for making shit up
16.) There is a guy dressed up as Santa ringing a bell
17.) Can you believe this 10 page short which resulted in this half hour long Twilight Zone episode made this movie 2 freakin hours long?
18.) I'm sure there's a message by Kelly in this movie, damn if I care at this point.
19.) Well now our couple has to make a choice...Hellen Keller or shoot Cameron Diaz. Hahahaha. I've been hoping they we're going to shoot Cameron Diaz since the beginning of the movie. Shoot away!
20.) Simultaneous button pushing equals crazy logic problems with this entire movie!

I decided to peruse the IMDB message boards after watching this and everybody was:

A.) Confused
B.) Didn't get it at all
C.) Hated the movie
D.) Loved the movie
E.) Bashed Kelly
F.) Praised Kelly

But the best part of reading these discussions is hearing about the logic problems of the ending.
It does have some of the best "well I didn't think of that" moments. If you haven't seen this flick, LOOK AWAY!

• If the lady at the end doesn't push the button, would that still result in Cameron Diaz dying?
• Also, the fact that aliens are behind this test to see if humanity is worth saving or becomes extinct, well this test is really a shitty way of determining that.
  

What did you guys think?

Labels: button button, cameron diaz, richard kelly, southland tales, The Box, the box trailer, twilight zone

Posted by the jaded viewer at 11:00 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Orphan

Orphan (2009)

Directed Jaume Collet-Serra

"If I find out that you're lying, I'll cut your hairless little prick off before you even figure out what it's for. Do you understand me?"

-Esther

They don't call me the jaded viewer for nothing.

I am totally being honest here. I called the twist in the Orphan once they introduced her character which was 30 or so minutes in (once I saw her paintings). I've seen alot of these type of movies and I'm good at picking up on the hints and clues. I knew going in there was a big reveal at the end. So through a level of Sherlock Holmes-ing, I kinda figured it out.

But that doesn't take away how good the movie is. Oh its not the twist or the scares or the suspense or tension of the movie which were all candy cane sweet, but its Isabelle Fuhrman's performance which is by far one of the best performances by a kid I've seen in a horror movie in quite a long time.

Kids in Hollywood movies always play...well kids. But in Orphan, Fuhrman plays a well mannered fashionista with a twisted mentality and WITH a Russian accent. And she pulls it off effortlessly. How does a little American kid actor pull this off? I'm speechless. Seriously, her performance is Oscar worthy. Truly remarkable.

I've been tardy when it comes to seeing mainstream American horror because I've just given up hope on the Hollywood system taking chances on creative scripts, pushing the boundaries and making Rated R flicks. So yeah, it took me this long to watch this. But now that I have maybe there is still hope. Maybe.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A husband and wife who recently lost their baby adopt a 9-year-old girl who is not nearly as innocent as she claims to be.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

The opening scene of a bloody baby should have been a clue this was no ordinary kids horror movie. Like the Sixth Sense, clues are all over the place for you to figure out the twist (the professional paintings, piano playing, her speech and dress). But if your a jabroni, you might be oblivious from these things. But instead of rehashing the story which is summed up above let's just go over the hit points on what was good and what was bad on a scale of 1 to 10.

+10

Like I said before, Isabelle Fuhrman's performance is top notch, high level stuff. So convincing in her acting I am still clapping. The 9 year old Esther is given so much life by Fuhrman you begin to think she isn't even acting. She speaks with a tad of a Russian accent making it so believable. And to top it all off, everybody knows sign language! Fuhrman goes from lovable, gothy kid to master manipulater and deceiver and her performance during the course of the 2 hours is outstanding. She turns good, then bad, then good in so many scenes and always pseudo winking to the audience. We know she's bad and we can't do anything about it. So perfect.

+5

The performances of Vera Farmiga as Kate, our mommy are good as well as Peter Saarsgard as John the oblivious father. Max (Aryana Engineer) is quite a cutie pie as a deaf sister and brother Daniel (Jimmy Bennett) are solid as well as they play the "we know Esther's evil but we can't do anything about it" fodder.

+8

The level of evilness displayed by Esther grows throughout the movie. From a pigeon, to a playground "accident", each built up some level of WTF as we went along. As Esther covers up her deadly deeds, the rest of the movie is the adults trying to figure out what's the what. Once Esther takes her vengeance to adultland, all hell breaks loose. Each kill scene becomes so vicious, it was a no holds barred hardcore-ness I haven't seen in a Hollywood production in quite a long time. Hammers, knives, arson and a quick game of Russian roulette take this to a new level of awesomeness.

I really couldn't believe I was seeing this on screen. No cutaway scenes. They showed it all. Kudos to Jaume Collet-Serra for showing us everything full frontal.

+6

So what's wrong with Esther? Well then there's the reveal. Even though I called a variation of it, I kinda knew what the what was. It really is a twist I've never seen before in movie. The explanation is perfect for a movie like this and it works. Some may find it dumb or kinda stupid but its based on something. And if you can give me a reveal that doesn't make me slap my forehead in disgust and go WTF?!?! then you've kinda accomplished your job. Let's say her transformation was handled very slick and cleverly. That ending gave me the wiggins.

-3

My gripes for the movie are just how perfect each of the character's problems or circumstances were set up. Mommy was an alcoholic, daddy pulled a Tiger Woods. It was easy for Esther to manipulate and set them up. Max being deaf was the most blatant of all as she was handicapped to do anything about Esther's evil. Also, logic problems erupt in the form of the orphanage records and the institute. Seemed a little off.

I sometimes hate movies where only one person knows the truth and all others think he/she is crazy even though all the evidence points to the contrary. For once I'd like to have seen Fox Mulder go to Scully "See there are UFOs! Just Believe!" It's right in front of you.

But that's how the characters and these type of movies work and you just have to deal.

All in all, Orphan plays its genre to a tee. Like The Children or The Omen, it follows the conventions and pits our hero (or heroine) against our killer kid. The beauty of these killer kid movies is the taboo of hurting a child. This is what I wrote for The Children review.

"The overall moral theme that gets grappled is one that encompasses all these killer kid films. Would you be able to kill a kid or *gasp* your own child to save your own or another child’s life? Many of the characters struggle with this and the paternal and maternal instinct are so ingrained, their logic becomes illogical and more emotion. Many might not be able to view such a film where kids wink with such evilness, especially parents."

The Orphan plays this theme out perfectly and is definitely one of the best horror movies of 2009.

Gore-ipedia

Smashed pigeon
Broken ankle
Multiple stabbings
Hammer to the cerebreal
Various splatter and gore

Nude-ipedia

Nada

WTF moment

The reveal of course

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

This will get a solid 3 spinkicks and will be in high consideration as one of my 10 Best Horror Movies of 2009. When you look back on 2009 in horror, Orphan will be on many top 10 lists for sure. And now you know why. Definitely see this flick or get a hammer in the head.

Rating:
Check out the trailer below.

Labels: 2009 horror dvd, 2009 horror movies, 2009 horror trailers, orphan

Posted by the jaded viewer at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Alice Jacobs is Dead

Alice Jacobs is Dead (2009)

Directed by Alex Horwitz

I found the trailer for Alice Jacobs is Dead last week. It was a short that from the trailer seemed to give us a different perspective on what a zombie film could be.

And what a difference it is.

Here is what we don't see: Zombie hordes in mass, kinetic, fast moving zombies, good guys vs zombies or any zombie attack force.

Here is what we DO see: A couple who are deeply in love until the bitter end despite a sickness that ultimately leads both of them to their deaths.

Alice Jacobs is part zombie film, part romance story. It's zombmanticism. A new subgenre of zombie films that takes the Romero of old and adds in a tender juicy slice of love. Put in the shoes of our brilliant doctor and having to choose between the woman he loves and the safety of the human race, it's an ethical and moral question that puts the viewer to the test. What would you do?

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Dr. Ben Jacobs saved the world. The drug he created allowed mankind to fight back against the Z-virus, which nearly destroyed civilization entirely. Now, in the aftermath of the crisis, hes trying to cure the last victims of the virus. But what will happen when he brings his mysterious work home?

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Alice Jacobs is Dead stars John La Zar as Dr. Ben Jacobs and Adrienne Barbeau as Alice Jacobs. It has a feel of World War Z as we are 2 years removed from the outbreak, with a partial cure coming from the doc. But unknown to all, including his lab scientist George, his wife is sick with the virus as well, having been prolonged by Jacob's "cure". She lives between life and zombie life,
a purgatory of hell in which she is imprisoned in her own home.

Barbeau is perfect as Alice who has to deal with this conflict. Trapped and beginning to get the cravings of a soon to be undead, she deteriorates before our very eyes. In the penultimate scene of her pending transformation, she devours tasty red meat in glorious cannibalism. La Zar is solid as the doc and husband who blinded by love lives only to find a cure and keep his wife alive.

Later, our junior doc discovers Dr. Jacob's "secret" which leads to the chilling conclusion. Dr. Jacobs has to make a choice. Keep his wife alive or kill her to protect humanity. That's the foreground question of AJID. But the backround question is what Alice decides to do. She too has to make a choice. Prolong a life isolated from humanity or let the sickness progress and turn into the inevitable. Which would you choose?

Romero made us feel for Zombies with Bub in Day of the Dead, but never have I felt torn for how I felt about Alice Jacobs. Humanizing people with a sickness may be the satire of this zombie short but it's packs an emotional POW!

Alice Jacobs is Dead is what zombie movies should be in this new millennium. Spinning a new perspective on this genre, questioning our morality and adding scenes of terror and gore to the satire.

At the end of watching Alice Jacobs is Dead, those 2 questions will linger in your mind for a long time. What would you do?

Gore-ipedia

Some ripped intestines
Blood trauma to the back of the head

WTF moment

The ending

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Check out the official site and Facebook page for more information. Thanks to Alex Horwitz for sending me a screener of the short film. Hopefully the short will make its go around in festivals soon. People need to see this if they even consider themselves a fan of zombie movies.

Check out the review of this short on Planet of Terror as well.

Rating:
Check out the trailer below.

Labels: 2009 horror trailers, george romero, the shortround, zombies

Posted by the jaded viewer at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

I've been a little mainstreamy this week and I really don't know why. Well actually I do. December is the month where I try to catch up on all my Hollywood horror movie viewing so I can create a solid Top 10 horror movies of 2009 list. So I've been trying to view all the stuff I missed or is being released on DVD.

But I've been tubing it up as well. If you haven't noticed, I'm a big Joss Whedon fan and I've been reviewing Dollhouse for UGO.com. I've reviewed every single Dollhouse episode (except Epitaph One). I really admit, I'm proud of the fact that I haven't missed reviewing a single episode. Trust me, there were times the show was out right terri-awful, I had no motivation to do it.

If you're a Dollhouse fan, you can check out my reviews of the last 4 episodes by heading over to UGO.com.

• 12/4/09:"The Public Eye" and "The Left Hand"
• 12/11/09: "Meet Jane Doe and "A Love Supreme"
  

Labels: dichen lachman, dollhouse, dollhouse quotes, dollhouse review, eliza dushku, joss whedon, liza lapira

Posted by the jaded viewer at 11:00 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Mark Millar's Kick-Ass has been getting Twittered and hyped recently (after an early screening) and I too am a little intrigued by this little tweeny comic book movie. I hated the live action Wanted movie with Angelina but loved the graphic novel. I usually will read the graphic novel before I see any adaptation of a comic. Having done so with Watchmen, I plan to read all Y The Last Man before it gets to be a movie.

But this funny ass clip with Nicholas Cage as Big Daddy may actually convince me to do the opposite. Watch the movie then read the graphic novel. It does look different than the other comic adaptations to be released. Funny, goofy, quirky, silly and outright kick ass. Nuff said.

A good movie with Nic Cage? Can it be? Really?

Here be the plot.

Dave Lizewski is an unnoticed high school student and comic book fan with a few friends and who lives alone with his father. His life is not very difficult and his personal trials not that overwhelming. However, one day he makes the simple decision to become a super-hero even though he has no powers or training.

Check out the exclusive clip and poster courtesy of UGO.com.





Check out the teaser trailer below.





All the posters are also available to check out.

Labels: comic books. graphic novels, comics, graphic novel, kick-ass, kick-ass exclusive clip, kick-ass trailer, nicholas cage

Posted by the jaded viewer at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Last week my post for HorrorBlips "Horror for the Holiday" blog-o-thon went up. But today, I stick with the holiday theme and dig up some of the lesser known Christmas themed holiday movies.

Sure you know of Silent Night, Deadly Night, Black Christmas, Santa's Slay, Jack Frost and Child's Play but I've tried to dig up the more obscure and forgotten of the Christmas slate of horror. Hmm. Maybe you have heard of some of these but hell it's good to just go into the time machine and reminisce. Most of these are terri-crappy but Treevenge is by far one of the best shorts I've seen in a while. I haven't seen most of these but egads if you have, let me know if they are MST3K worthy or pure garbage. Come to think of it, I may see P2 because of Rachel "Orion Slave Girl/Scarlett" Nichols.

Merry Slaymas!

1.) Psycho Santa





2.) Two Front Teeth





3.) Gingerdead Man





4.) P2





5.) Treevenge

Labels: christmas, horrorblips, p2, silent night deadly night trailer, treevenge

Posted by the jaded viewer at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

I was asked to participate in HorrorBlips "Horror for the Holidays" blog event and I was more than willing to come up with some holiday themed post for today. I had to really think about what I was going to write about. I mean it isn't easy to come up with something that you'd hope people would enjoy reading but had a holiday angle. I came up with a lot of stuff and I inevitably came up with Top 10 Holiday Characters That Could Be Turned Into Unstoppable Killing Machines. But just for shits and giggles here were some of my rejected ideas:

• Jack Frost (that killer snowman movie with Shannon Elizabeth) frame by frame review
• Black Christmas (Original vs Remake)
• A week's worth of reviews of the Silent Night, Deadly Night series
• Bill Goldberg's Santa's Slay Review
  
• Gremlins Retrospective
  

That Gremlins retrospective would have been cute. Oh that Gizmo! Instead, I've decided to just write about how we can turn nice, wholesome, family Christmas themed characters and mythology into unstoppable killing machines.

This is the stuff I think about when the TV and Internet are broken and I'm eating a Twinkie. So check out the list below!

Top 10 Holiday Characters That Could Be Turned Into Unstoppable Killing Machines

10.) Snowflakes

the jaded viewer says: How do we turn snowflakes into unstoppable killing machines? By going and turning them into diamond sharp, ninja stars of death! Nature has taken every opportunity to rid the Earth of this human pestilence. Now, they've turned snowflakes into razor sharp daggers falling from the sky!

9.) Jigsaw traps in gifts

the jaded viewer says: How do we turn Christmas gifts into unstoppable killing machines? By inserting Jigsaw like traps with timing mechanisms in them. Wouldn't you like to see a scene where a tweeny kid opens his present expecting to see a Wii but instead has to dismantle a device in less than 30 seconds or he gets mutilated? OK, well then that's just my bag I guess.

8.) Gingerbread Men

the jaded viewer says: How do we turn Gingerbread Men into unstoppable killing machines? By arming them with machine guns of course. Here's the quick synopsis. Witches have made gingerbread men come to life using magical dough. And instead of frosting with a smile, they've got machine guns and are marching down every suburban neighborhood seeking their revenge for their brothers and sisters who've been devoured by happy families. Logic problem: They may have trouble walking. Of course we could also watch The Gingerdead Man.

7.) Mrs. Claus

the jaded viewer says: How do we turn Mrs. Claus into a unstoppable killing machine? We turn her into a sexy vixen of course. Imagine an Anna Nicole Smith type marrying Santa for his power and money. This is our new version of Mrs. Claus. She seduces men with candy canes and mistletoe and takes their souls! Megan Fox would be perfect in this role!

6.) Robotic Santa Claus

the jaded viewer says: How do we turn Santa Claus into a unstoppable killing machine? We make him into a cyborg of course! Think Terminator meets Silent Night, Deadly Night. He'd be armed with a futuristic sleigh of course and robotic reindeer. His bag would have an arsenal of weapons. Yes Virgina, there is a Santa Claus...and he's self aware.

5.) Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future

the jaded viewer says: How do we turn ghosts of Christmas past, present and future into a unstoppable killing machines? Well we make them not ghosts, but pure, evil demons of course. Oh yes, they do give you glimpses of your life as it could have been, and once they do each of the ghosts takes you into your worst nightmare. By the time Future gets through with you, you'll wish you were nice to Timmy and gave him a bike...but that will be too late when your being decapitated.

4.) Rabid Elves

the jaded viewer says: How do we turn elves into unstoppable killing machines? We make them rabid elves of course. Elves with a thirst for human blood. These elves despise making cookies and have secretly made faulty toys and poisoned the water supply. When the human population is confused and sick, they attack like locusts. Oh btw, they have magic powers too. Seems like they made an Elves movie back in the 80s. How about that?

3.) Christmas Trees (see Treevenge)

the jaded viewer says: How do we turn Christmas trees into a unstoppable killing machines? By making them into devouring, monsters from hell. After decades of being decorated with worthless ornaments and wearing a ridiculous star as makeshift hats, they've had enough. They are hellbent on killing millions of happy go lucky families on Christmas morning. And it's 100% glorious this has been made into a live action short. See all the carnage here.

2.) Killer Reindeer

the jaded viewer says: How do we turn reindeer into a unstoppable killing machines? By making Rudolph the deadliest reindeer of all! Rudolph is still sore that he never played any of those reindeer games so he's hell bent on revenge. After making all the others bow before him (via his nose which is laser enabled); Dasher and Dancer, Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid, and Donner and Blitzen, they are going to wreak havoc by killing Santa (they drop him into the ocean mid flight) and start bombing cities. Santa's Reindeer from Hell are not going to stop until every major city has been leveled. See? Santa should have paid them better.

1.) Zombie Santa

the jaded viewer says: How do we turn lovable Santa into a unstoppable killing machine? Zombiefication of course. There is no effin way you can stop a Zombie Santa. Oh you can try to put a bullet in his head, but Santa still has some limited brain function and can do that magic chimney thing. Leaving cookies and milk won't do any good when he is craving the taste of human flesh. The damage he will do on Christmas Eve will be catastrophic. He will infect millions of kids in hours, kids will infect parents, parents will infect more kids.

Yes fellow horror minions, Zombie Santa will lead to the eventual end of the world.

Ho Ho Ho!

Labels: christmas, horrorblips, jadedviewer.com, santa claus, the jaded viewer, treevenge

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Born

Born (2007)

Directed by Richard Friedman

Look what I got for free at work! Probably the worst screener in the history of screeners.

Born is some sort of Rosemary's Baby straight to DVD ripoff. It stars Alison Brie from Mad Men (I've never watched this show) and Kane fuckin Hodder.

In all honesty, I knew I wouldn't be able to come up with a regular review so I am going to attempt my first picture plus funny comment review. I've seen a lot of picture reviews on other horror blogs but I've never actually tried it before. This should be quite enjoyable for you and for me.

Seriously, don't worry. Go ahead and read the post. You're never going to see this movie...ever. And you really wouldn't want to.

So without further ado, here we go. Some the pics are NSFW!!!

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Mary Elizabeth goes to bed alone one night, still a 21 year old virgin, and wakes up the next morning...pregnant. Possessed by the demon fetus growing within her womb, Mary Elizabeth obeys her homicidal cravings to kill...for the sake of her unborn spawn. Mary Elizabeth's dark transformation, controlled by her unborn demon child, is driven by it's dark cravings. Once the child is born there will be hell on earth. From this apparent immaculate conception comes edge of your seat terror.

Awesome Picture Review-O-Matic





Well that's it. Born was the perfect movie to make fun of. Has been stars, over the top acting (Alison Brie talking to herself as she played good Mary vs evil demon baby is freakin hilarious) and one of the worst CGI I have ever seen.

Denise Crosby will act for food. So will Kane Hodder. If MST3K was still around, this would be perfect (ahem Rifftrax anyone?). Also it was 147 minutes long. Jeezus, it takes that long to have a baby on film??

The worst part is at the end of the movie they hinted towards a sequel!

Well I hope you enjoyed my first picture review. I'm sure there will be more of these in the future if I can get my hands on some B movies to review. Born should have never been born. But it was, so at least this awesome review came out of it. Coochie coo.

0 Spinkicks

If these picture snapshots weren't enough for you check out the trailer below.

Labels: 2009 horror dvd, 2009 horror movies, 2009 horror trailers, born review, devil worshipping, gratuitous nudity, kane hodder

Posted by the jaded viewer at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

What happens when you mix blaxploitation and Christmas? Oh you get Ken Foree kicking freakin ass as Black Santa in Black Santa's Revenge, a short from David Walker.

The teaser trailer is chock full of chocolate chip badass goodness. Fuck Milk! I think we all need to see this for the taglines and one liners.

"In a city where crimes runs rampant and despair rules the streets, one man delivers hope with a VENGEANCE!"

(sounds like Detroit)

"He Knows When You've Been Naughty"

(Nice people get shot by the naughty)

"Merry Christmas you naughty motherf*cker!"

(he's got a shotgun!)

Check out the teaser trailer below.





For more inforama, check out the official site. It's now available for digital download as well. It's also premiering at the Horror Society Holiday of Horrors Film Festival on December 12th in Chicago.

Labels: 2009 horror movies, black devil doll, black santa's revenge, blaxploitation, christmas, santa claus, the shortround

Posted by the jaded viewer at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Sick Girl

Sick Girl (2009)

Directed by Eben McGarr

The anticipation I had for Sick Girl is easily documented. The PSA trailer is black humor genius. So it was my assumption we'd get the same tone for the movie. We'd see a sadistic serial killer, with a dark sense of humor killing for illogical reasons and ending in a pinnacle of extreme violence.

Well sometimes what you think in your head comes out way cooler than what you see in the movie.

Sick Girl does have moments of gore and splatter that gorehounds would vote in the sick shit Hall of Fame. Izzy is easily one of the most demented serial killers ever to come to life on film. Her acts of brutality are so shocking it's hard to put in words (don't worry I'll try). But that's the extent of wow factor. The story, the characters and the acting are a little boring and the ending a little blah.

So what does this all equal? Sick Girl accomplishes what it set out to do. Make you wince, make you sick and definitely makes you feel uncomfortable.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Sick Girl is the story of Izzy, a girl that wants to protect her little brother, bang her older brother and torture everyone else out in the barn. Izzy is raising her younger brother, Kevin, by herself.

Their parents are deceased and her older brother, Rusty, (who she has incestuous fantasies about), is away in the Marines. When Izzy learns that her little brother is being bullied at school, she does what any unstable, psychopathic, homicidal sister (with no impulse control) would do.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Let's get the inevitable comparisons out of the way. Sick Girl closely resembles Eric Stanze's Scrapbook which is the pinnacle of indie horror fuckedupness. It's serial killing, done in Rural Town, USA and the mundane turning insane.

Shot on video and armed with a shoestring budget McGarr shows us the simple story of Izzy (short for Isabella) and her life when she's sane and her life when she's insane. The tragedy here is Sick Girl is like 65% normal life, and 35% looney tunes. As a jaded viewer, I've seen shit most people would think warrants prison. So if McGarr's first feature is designed to shock, he's got to get over that 50% threshold of amping his movie with 1 and half hour energy drink of fuckedupness.

Sick Girl almost plays out like a porn movie. Think of this as "Gorn". Each normal scene sets up a scene of pure, uncensored torturous gore and splatter. As much as you'd like to fast forward and get to the good stuff, you feel the need to watch the set up. I mean technically it's not necessary but for horror, its best to know the motivation for the kill scenes.

So what do we see when Izzy isn't maiming and going all Jigsaw?

Izzy has flashbacks of her brother training on some kung fu
Izzy tickles and plays with her little brother
Izzy visit's her brother's teacher
Izzy has Christmas gift exchange with her brother and her late father's best friend Barney
Izzy rides with a stranger who gives her a lift
Izzy has flashbacks of her late brother and his GF

As much as these scenes are suppose to give us some insight into Izzy's head...it actually doesn't do shit. We all know Izzy is mentally unstable and we, the viewer are here to see her be mentally unstable. Its like watching a movie that's designed to shock and punch you mentally in the face nards. So what are these WTF moments that closely resemble gorn?


Read on gorn-hounds!

Izzy pees on a nun
Izzy slits a dude's throat
Izzy goes postal on a school bus
Izzy kisses her brother (incest alert!)
Izzy makes a tweeny boy kill his BFFs (by making him drown and stab them)
Izzy holds survivors hostage in a barn
Izzy smashes tweeny bully's head with a sledgehammer
Izzy makes the hostages pee in a bucket
Izzy breaks tweeny boy's arm and dresses him as a Christmas tree
Izzy castrates a dude
Izzy rapes a girl with dude's castrated penis (yeah you read that right)

So like seeing an orgy of flesh, we see an orgy of death. And I'm not going to lie, it's truly disturbing to witness such depravity and uber violence especially coming from Izzy. Which goes to say something about Leslie Andrew's performance. At times, the dialogue she recites sounds like a 3rd grade play, at other times she delivers lines that amp up and portray a very disturbed Manson like killer. The times we do see what was promised by the PSA trailer of trademarked black humor, is the time Andrew's performance generates some comfortable ha ha's and LOLs. She's got that Ellen Page Hard Candy look that can make you fall in love. A hooded sweatshirt, short hair can only equal somebody who is a sadistic little monster and for some unknown reason it's slightly infatuating. Izzy's little brother Kevin (Charlie Trepany) does a decent job playing the lovable innocent as does Barney (John McGarr) who plays a pseudo father figure to both Barney and Izzy.

But whereas indie shock horror goes beyond the usual torture porn is when we sense the motives of the slasher are developed. I can watch the movie 2-3 more times and I still wouldn't understand why Izzy has gone all ballistic (though at the end, some reason is given). Did she snap? Is she reveng-ing everybody who she hates or has ridiculed her and her family? Does she hate the Marines? Does she hate farm animals? Trust me, it's not clear at all.

Sick Girl is gorn at its finest. But an awesome movie it is not. It falls right in place in the middle and as much as I tried to find something that could give it a better "ooomph" in the spinkick department, I could not. I mean when was the last time you went, "that sex scene in that porno is awesome...I gotta share this with others." See what I mean?

Sick Girl is mock and shock movie that purees mundane Americana and unrelenting violence into a cocktail of visual splatter overdrive. Eben McGarr is clearly going to not make a movie as insane as this, I'm hoping he doesn't. But the one thing Sick Girl has accomplished, it's making sure you feel dirty after watching it.

Just like porn.

Gore-ipedia

See Izzy's list of torture

Nude-ipedia

It's not porn..it's gorn!

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Straight out of Synapse Films, Sick Girl is now out on DVD. It's also available on Amazon.com. Check out the MySpace site for more info.

If you are a fringe fan of extreme horror, I'd say go watch Sick Girl. It would definitely be a movie that would be traded for back before DVDs and the Interwebs. I would even go as far to say that it may reach cult classic status like Scrapbook has.

The MySpace site has a nice interview with Leslie Andrews which is definitely worth a listen.

So in conclusion, if you don't feel like porn, watch some gorn. And Sick Girl is the perfect movie for it.

Rating:

Check out the trailers.

Sick Girl "Thank You For Not Talking" PSA

Teaser Trailer




The Trailer



Tags:
sick girl, sick girl trailer , sick girl review , 2009 horror movies, leslie andrews, 2009 horror dvd, splatter movies, horror blog

Labels: gore, gratuitous nudity, incest death squad, juno, sick girl, sick girl psa trailer, sick girl teaser, sick girl trailer

Posted by the jaded viewer at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

The Killing Room

The Killing Room (2009)

Directed by Jonathan Liebesman

"The Most Valuable Asset Any Country Can Attain Is Control Of The Human Mind"

"Once You're In, There's No Way Out"

Those are the two taglines for The Killing Room. Which one do you like better?

Hint: One of them tells you what the movie is about.

Jonathan Liebesman (who directed Darkness Falls and TCM: The Beginning) new movie stars a collection of letter grade movie stars including Timothy Hutton, Clea Duvall, Chloe Sevigny and Nick Cannon. It's not your gore score or teenage slasher fodder flick. It's a highly intellectual psychological thriller that though simply made turns out highly effective.

The Killing Room is basically Cube without the elaborate traps and prime number mumbo jumbo. Instead we get other puzzles to keep our prisoners occupied. All in all, The Killing Room doesn't have the same pizazz as Cube but does make for an interesting watch.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Four volunteers sign up for what initially appears to be a typical paid research study, only to discover that they've unwittingly become involved with a classified government program that was said to have been terminated nearly two decades ago, in this tense psychological thriller.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

We've all done psychological experiments in some form haven't we? I know I have when I was in college. In the experiment I participated in, they sat me in a room by myself and had me perform tasks, telling me another participant was performing the same test. I was suppose to match the same answers as the other person. I did the best I could, thinking this other person was in the same boat. From what I remember, he kept getting the answer wrong (and NO I didn't get an electric shock). It seemed he or she always got the answer wrong. By the end I was so frustrated I decided my answers would be random.

At the end of the experiment I was given some shocking news. There was no one actually taking the test with me. It was all a recording, the same recording they give to everyone. I'm not sure what the point was, maybe something to do with working with others or individualism. I just remember they paid me and I was a little ticked.

At least I didn't die.

That's not the case for our 4 participants in The Killing Room. Paul (Nick Cannon), Kerry (Clea Duvall), Crawford (Timothy Hutton) and Tony (Shea Whigham) sign up for an experiment like no other. They are given a written test while they are monitored by a Dr. Phillips (Peter Stormare) and Ms. Reilly (Chloe Sevigny). Seems the CIA has been performing these experiments in the past and they've restarted them again.

Suffice it to say, the new guneau pigs start the experiment with a shocker and it goes into survival mode from there. They are given questions in which their answers will determine who lives or dies. Cannon's Paul seems to be a the quiet, "do what they tell us" persona, while the others like Hutton's Crawford find a way out of this white painted prison room.

It's a slow burn that builds up the tension nicely. The elimination of each participant isn't that creative as Cube, but more like a Area 51 secret grounded reality. Many of the clues about why this is happening to them are laid out during the movie so attention to detail is important when watching.

As the chaos in the room heightens, Reilly and Dr. Phillips converse on the goals of the experiment. Sevigny's performance as she struggles with the moral and ethical issues of such a experiment is quite decent. Stormare (does he always play a doctor in a movie?) plays the calm doctor who even tries to legitimize the test by saying: "Somebody else is doing exactly what we're doing". Like Das Experiment and Breathing Room, its interesting to see how the doctors cope with their actions as well as the test subjects.

The gripes are a plenty with the movie as well when the reason for the experiment is made clear. I mean seriously. Are all these deaths necessary to recruit one subject? I think it would be a little more easier to get the information you needed.

Also, as much as this is a secret government project, a conspiracy of this magnitude I would think would be hard to control. I like to think people are the ultimate variable and that somebody would defect (though they would probably be killed if they did). Finally, it's proven that nothing can be controlled to a certainty, even a human being. Hmmm. I just think Americans are a little more indivualistic to a degree.

But then again, I don't live in the Midwest.

It's a good watch and it's now even playing on Showtime. It's funny how a movie like this goes under the radar when it stars a wide collection of somebodys. I think The Killing Room is a one of those movies that you watch, you get into it early on and then figure out if the ending has the kaboom your looking for. For me, it does. For you, well that's an answer you'll have to figure out yourself.

Don't worry, the wrong answer won't result in your death....well I hope not.

Gore-ipedia

Some blood and gunshots

Nude-ipedia

Negative zero

WTF moment

Phase 1 begins....you'll see.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

What's Phase IV going to involve? That's what I want to know. The Killing Room is available on DVD via Amazon.com. I believe it's also on Showtime as well.

If your looking for a psychological mind bender, The Killing Room will test your IQ. Sometimes it's good to exercise your brain. Also, don't ever participate in any secret government medical experiments....just something to keep in mind.

Rating:

1/2

Tags:
the killing room, the killing room trailer , the killing room review , 2009 horror movies, stanford prison experiment, 2009 horror dvd, psychological horror, horror blog

Labels: 2009 horror dvd, 2009 horror movies, 2009 horror trailers, peter stormare, the killing room

Posted by the jaded viewer at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

I think I may have found the Romero zombie movie I've been looking for. And it's not Survival of the Dead. Oddly enough, after watching the trailer for Alex Horwitz's trailer for his short Alice Jacobs is Dead, I think this may be the zombie film that we should all want to see.

Here be the plot:

Dr. Ben Jacobs saved the world. The drug he created allowed mankind to fight back against the Z-virus, which nearly destroyed civilization entirely. Now, in the aftermath of the crisis, hes trying to cure the last victims of the virus. But what will happen when he brings his mysterious work home?

Starring John La Zar and Adrienne Barbeau, it has a feel of World War Z mixed in with I Am Legend and a touch of Night of the Living Dead. It's interesting enough to get on my radar. It should all be on yours as well.

It premiered at the San Diego Comic Con this summer. Check out the official site and Facebook page for more information.

Check out the trailer below. What do you think?

Labels: 2009 horror trailers, george romero, the shortround, zombies

Posted by the jaded viewer at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

The Hills Run Red

The Hills Run Red (2009)

Directed by Dave Parker

The Hills Run Red got the hype treatment within the horror universe this year. It's premise, it's sleek grindy slasher and Sophia Monk wearing nothing should be enough to equal yayness and approval from us fans. For me, it equals more of a mix bag of donuts. Sure you get your oozing jelly filled, and your chocolate yuminess. But you also get your over done elaborate, sprinkled Boston cremes and some other exotic new flavors that catch your eye. Yeah, it looks pretty but it doesn't taste that good.

Well that's The Hills Run Red. It looks good from the outside but when you dig in, it's not as delicious as you thought it would be.

I think I've got you hungry right? Lets dig in shall we?

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A group of young horror fans go searching for a film that mysteriously vanished years ago but instead find that the demented killer from the movie is real, and he's thrilled to meet fans who will die gruesomely for his art.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

At points within the movie, I got really conflicted. I was teetering that this would be 3 spinkicks, then it dropped to 1 spinkick, then to 2 spins, then 2 and a half. I've haven't been this confused trying to rate a film in a while. I usually know exactly the rating I'm going to give during the film and by the end, it's sold. So its surprising to what I settled on for this one. But as you can see below, my string of thoughts sorta went in different directions.

Here's are my thought bubbles during the movie.

• Sophia Monk is hot
• OMG! Sophia Monk is naked...making her mega hotter
• The other female star in the movie is naked too!
• This trailer of the movie within this movie looks awesome!
• Tyler, our main character is kinda a lame, horror-core fan
• Well, Sophia Monk is naked again
• Tyler's friends are also big douches..I hope they die
• Oh oh, this is turning out to be a filmmakers go to the woods and get attacked by cannibal rednecks, then attacked by a real slasher
• Babyface, our slasher has got some top notch kill skills
• Holy shit! A women got torn in two by a tree contraption
• Hmmm. I think the fake grindhouse movie in this movie is probably better than the actual movie itself (make sense?)
• It's a gratuitous chase scene!
• WTF! Is this Saw?
• Sophia Monk is naked again...and I never get tired of looking at her.
  
• Oh man I predicted that twist 30 minutes ago
• Wow, this is lots of pretentious dialogue about movie making
• Yup, another twist...saw that one coming 15 minutes ago
• Ewwww. Babyface looks yucky
• Yeah! A scene during the credits...this will be awes....errr....well thats just dumb
  

If you've seen the movie, you'll understand exactly what I'm talking about. For peeps who haven't seen it, lets get into a review.

Tyler and his filmmaking cohorts decide to make a documentary of The Hills Run Red, a slasher film that has reached urban legend status. Seems the only remnants of the film left are a trailer, a few posters and Alexa, daughter of the director Wilson Wyler Concannon (William Sadler).

After Tyler meets Alexa (the always naked Sophia Monk), a stripper who guides the group to the locations of the movie. Joined by his GF Serena and best friend Lalo, they go off to the woods and go Blair Witching. The movie is interspliced with scenes from the unfinished grindhouse movie. The movie is about Babyface, a bumpkin schmunkin who tore up his face to something about his mom. I forget exactly how it went.

The characters are actually a little irritating to say the least with Alexa being the most interesting. Tyler is your Heather-type (from BWP) so dedicated to making his documentary, he turns down sexual relations from Alexa and his girlfriend (What the freakin fuck? I think he's gay..seriously dude?). Serena, his GF is dedicated and even at one point during the movie she seemed to go into a She-Ra, Princess of Power transformation changing into a standard Final Girl tanktop. Lalo is just victim fodder.

But it's Alexa, who creates the most memorable character in The Hills Run Red. A stripper, a drug addict and a vixen to the slickest proportions. Sophia Monk plays her character, right up to the end of the movie in a top notch, juicy sexpot sorta way. Brains and breasts as I always say.

Oddly enough, the film also becomes Skynet self aware. The characters go over rules of how to survive a "we're lost in the woods attacked by locals" horror movie and many of the film within a film references are slightly clever and a wink to the audience. There is something about finding a long lost film and the repercussions of it. Many scenes are set up where you think good guys defeat bad guys. But then you get a 360 into something else. I can't say its cool, more a little confusing.

But this new age of millennium slashers inducts Babyface into its fraternity. He's a formidable mountain man slasher who can use a variety of weapons to kill kill kill. Like Chromeskull in Laid to Rest, he's got a style and backstory that's unique. His daddy and mommy would be proud.

Parker and crew have a made a decent slasher movie that flips things upside down, fulfills your gratuitous nudity meter, got a somewhat interesting plot and has kills that will make gorehounds rejoice. It's also got some uneven twizzler twists, hipsters playing horror intellectuals and some self referencing dumbness.

So what do you got after you watch The Hills Run Red? 2 spinkicks. It's a fitting rating for a decent film that is like a bite of jelly and a bite of glazed. It may not live up to the hype its gotten but I can say I wasn't bored. American runs on blood and donuts.

Nude-ipedia

C'mon now. How many times do I gotta say Sophia Monk is 100% naked in this?
Gratuitous secondary character sex scene boobage

Gore-ipedia

Face trauma
Ax to the head
Decaps
Stomach trauma
Sliced and dice tummies
Mummified corpses
Gunshot trauma
Gut wrenching gore
Women torn in half
Various mutilation kills
Various stabbing weapon kills
Lots of head bashing

WTF moment

The twist after the twist

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

The Hills Run Red is available now on DVD via Amazon.com. I think many of the horror sites agree with my review that the movie is a mixed bag. Though some reviews have a love or hate it sorta opinion. I tried to not go into much of the plot of the movie because giving a way too much would affect your viewing.

But your reading this review because you want to know if Sophia Monk is naked in it right? So rest assured the answer is yes.

Rating:

Check out the trailer.

Labels: 2009 grindhouse movies, 2009 horror dvd, gore, gratuitous nudity, slasher films, sophie monk naked, splatter, the hills run red, the hills run red trailer

Posted by the jaded viewer at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

You clicked on this link because of that picture didn't you? Hahahaha. Well, I can't blame you. If you haven't guessed, that's Sophia Monk topless from the movie The Hills Run Red (review tomorrow). And there's more in the movie of Ms. Monk naked in the film. In the flick, she plays a stripper who helps a group of filmmakers look for a long lost movie. But thats irrelevant. Suffice it to say, she seems to "pop up" naked in the most unlikely of scenes.

But let's get to the thighs and breasts of this post. I posed the question, how gratuitous is gratuitous nudity?

Well horror and nudity go hand in hand don't they? If you go into your video store (remember those?) you'll notice that the scifi movies are next to the horror movies. And what's next to the horror movies? Yup, you got it. Porn. It's interesting to note that this set up is intentional as most horror fans do expect to see nudity in their movies. So a walk down the aisle would make it easier to get your fix on all 3 genres?

As much as we like to believe horror has defied the stereotype as in in the same vain as critically acclaimed movies, it's just not the case. We have to come to grips that it's a genre that is loved by a few and scorned by many. Oh yes, the casual moviegoer will go see a horror movie, but it's not to see a brilliant acting performance or a fascinating story. It's sometimes to see mechanical slasher kills and some bouncing C cups.

Could a slasher film be made where a beautiful sexpot didn't get naked? And even if nakedness doesn't occur, I have to count a very revealing Final Girl tank top is nudity as much as full frontal would be. I'm not here to argue the fact that nudity is in a horror movie, I'm trying to point out the instances where it's just plain gratuitous.

And the funny part is I'm all for gratuitous nudity.

It's a staple of the slasher genre and its inserted in almost every pseudo genre of horror. Cannibal, redneck slaughter, yup. Monster attacks movies, yup. Vampire and werewolves in battle, yup to a degree. So what are the instances of gratuitous nudity?

• Obviously gratuitous sex scenes demand nudity
• Shower scenes
• Taking a bath
  
• Skinny dipping
• Swimming
• Locker rooms
• Slumber parties
• Strip clubs
• Changing clothes
• Massages
• Saunas
• Walking around the house (yup this happens)
• Satanic rituals
• Torture scenes
  
• Demon nudity
• Hookers
  
• etc. etc. etc.

The question is, are scenes inserted like the ones above because it's expected? Would we be disappointed if we didn't see gratuitous nudity in one form or the other when we see a horror movie that involves teenagers? Horror is still a male dominated genre and most of the audiences are guys looking to see relentless violence and movie star T&A. If this wasn't the case, Platinum Dunes would be out of business. I am 100% sure, the new Nightmare on Elm Street has nudity. I'll be shocked if it didn't.

Of course, the PG-13-ing by Hollywood to the horror genre has almost made this question irrelevant. We've almost become accustomed to the fact no nudity will appear in the current mass production of Hollywood fluff. Some call this blasphemy. Horror movies need to be Rated R and must have strong sexual content and extreme violence and gore. Others have felt a PG-13 horror movie without the above can be just as good.

I want to know what you guys think. Simply put:


1.) How gratuitous is gratuitous nudity? Would you be angry if you didn't see some boobies in a slasher flick? Would somehow more gore and splatter make up for this?

2.) How often do you expect nudity in horror movies? 100% of the time? 75%? 50%? 25% 0%?

3.) Would you go see a Rated R/Unrated film filled with extreme violence, splatter and gore with tons of nudity.....but the film sucks OR would you see a nice, clean PG-13 horror movie that was praised unanimously by horror critics?

The fact that I have both a GORE-ipedia and NUDE-ipedia goes to show that I sincerely believe horror fans expect both and are looking for both these things to happen. So let me know what you think.

If your looking for more nude photos, c'mon just Google it will ya. And for the few of you expecting more Sophia Monk pictures, check back tomorrow. How gratuitous do you think I am?

Labels: 2009 horror dvd, gratuitous nudity, naked women, nudity, sophie monk naked

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