a jaded viewer reviews the world of horror, splatter, gore, cult, grindhouse, trash, b-movie, erotica, indie, asian and exploitation films
Friday, February 12, 2010
The Shortround: Suicide Girl and Fewdio Shorts
The one thing that I've been not familiar with is the world of web horror and horror shorts. I've been trying to correct this with my ongoing The Shortround series where I put up shorts or web series that I think are pretty cool.
So after stumbling on a short by Drew Daywalt called Suicide Girl via Horrorland, I must say I was impressed. Once you see something you like, you start Fox Mulder-ing the investigation to see what else you can find. Thus, my extensive viewing of FEWDIO.com shorts on their YouTube Channel.
Color me floored. This is some good shit.
I am ecstatic that I found these videos and these are some of the best high quality, top notch horror shorts I've ever seen. All the shorts are masterfully produced, feature solid acting, eerie soundtrack and music, expert camera work and deliver the BOO! scares you won't forget.
First, go watch what caught my eye and you can be my Dana Scully and believe the hype I've been throwing at you.
Check out the Drew Daywalt's short called "Suicide Girl"
the jaded viewer says: For a 4 minute short, it packs a creepy punch right out of the park. Internet horror is usually hit or miss but this little short blends social tech with Ringu style madness. One of the best shorts I've seen.
Here are a few more shorts I think are standouts from the mass filmography of Fewdio Entertainment. Some of them are long slow burns that BOO! you, others are a minute or so of Twilight Zone twisty twizzler horror goodness.
A Not So Good Moment in Black Horror Movie History
I enjoy seeing white teens get slaughtered by unkillable slashers as the next horror fan but we'd hope Jason Voorhees and his alum would be equal opportunity slashers. The Friday the 13th series proved that even the token black guy (or girl) in the movie got some good shots in before they were ultimately slaughtered.
But one man, Julius Gaw gave Jason Voorhees a run for his money in Friday the 13th Part VIII Jason takes Manhattan.
So in honor of Black History month, let's honor the flipside of African Americans in horror movies by giving mad props to Julius. He wasn't the hero but if he'd just taken some HGH, he could have had the stamina to say "I knocked Jason Voorhees the fuck out!!"
So for that effort, we salute you Julius. And this is this week's A Not So Good Moment in Black Horror Movie history.
It's a shame he wasn't more headstrong. Definitely, not the time to lose one's head. That's not the way to get ahead in life. He'll never be the head of a major corporation.
Valentine's Day is better when you scare the one you love
Having been to Blood Manor for Halloween, it really is quite an experience to say the least. So for you New York and Tri-State peeps, Blood Manor is going to be open Valentine's Day Weekend.
What is Blood Manor? It's one of the best haunted attractions in this here city. So if your feeling blue this Valentine's Day, cheer up and get scared..or better yet scare the shit out of your significant other.
Here be the press release in its hyped up glory.
Blood Manor, NYC's Premier Haunted Attraction, presents a special Bloody Valentine's Weekend February 12th & 13 7:30PM- 1:00 AM at 542 West 27th Street (bet. 10th & 11th Ave). All are welcome for this passionate, if not quite so romantic, experience. Jilted lovers, despondent lonely hearts and those looking to hook up with a freaky last minute date will commune with slightly dysfunctional couples (you know who you are) to bury old relationships alive and/or memorialize their love. There's a razor thin line between love and hate and Blood Manor is the perfect marriage of attraction and repulsion. Make mayhem the highlight of your Valentine's Day Weekend.
The 2010 Blood Manor Valentines Day Weekend escapade begins the moment you arrive at this little bit of hell in Manhattan. Upon entering Blood Manor, revelers pass through The Chapel of Death where visitors will become reluctant guests at an unfortunate couple's unholy matrimony celebration (bring extra hankies). Then it's on to the Thunderdome where Mother Nature is joined by a high priest--talk about a natural disaster. The Insane Asylum features a couple that have been married for far too long and, let's just say, it hasn't exactly been wedded bliss The Manor Chef will make a Valentine's Day feast, and although it's not the usual candlelight dinner you might anticipate on such a romantic holiday, you will find it ghoulishly innovative (and well-sauced).
That's just a sampling of the sinister smorgasbord awaiting guests at Blood Manor - there's plenty more where that came from - it's a blood buffet. Adam and Eve will give you a glimpse into the first Valentine's Day gone wrong in the Garden of Evil. For you insatiable men, a 3-D bedroom with three lovely (yet not entirely shy) ladies await. From sexy showers that aren't quite what they seem, to Bordellos that have a new twist on lustful encounters, there is something for everyone in this sexy house of horrors. The Vortex Tunnel of Love has some spectacular laser effects that are sure to get wild hearts thumping and the Heartbeat Room will be pounding harder than ever. Warm up in the cozy boiler room, which has some sizzling characters running amok. For those looking for some help in the quest for love-- Cupid is on the scene and, let's just say, you can't miss himLadies who might need some help getting ready for their Valentine's date can visit the Beauty Shop of Horrors. Once the staff there gets through with you, there will be all kinds of new excuses as to why he's just not that into you.
There can't possibly be a better way to spend Valentine's Day. From the jaded, anti-Valentine singles to the couples who are looking to keep the thrill in their relationship and let's not forget those on their first dates. If anyone can survive this horrifying display of love gone wrong, they can survive anything. It's a surefire way to test one's love or a terrific new reason to remain forever single.
Blood Manor is owned and operated by Jim Faro, Mike Rodriguez and Jimmy Lorenzo, whose combined passion for all things spooky, created this lustful den of iniquity. Sparked by insurmountable cravings for the macabre and decades of their own incredible Halloween houses, the trio have reached scary, sexy nirvana with this 'special' Blood Manor.
If Blood Manor doesn't scare you into each others arms or make you glad you are single these guys just won't be satisfied. In their twisted minds, Valentine's Day is not a holiday that should be savored by lovers alone--any old freak should be able to partake of the festivities.
Bitch Slap is an homage to those genres, ripe with T&A and some serious amounts of bitch slapping. You're not going to be intellectually stimulated by the film (though if you got the XY chromosome you'll be stimulated in another way). Let's make this simple and do the math here.
Hot looking hotties + high tech guns + cat fighting = WIN!
So a typical review would be pointless here. So I'm going to just answer the questions you have in your perverted little mind. Boring Plot-O-Matic
Three bad girls travel to a remote desert hideaway to steal $200 million in diamonds from a ruthless underworld kingpin.
Awesome Review-O-Matic
OK, I know my reviews tend to be long drawn out paragraphs. So for mass consumption intellect, here is a very easy to read Q&A review, one even George W. Bush could understand.
1.) Oh for the love of all that is nipples, just tell me already does any of the hot looking stars in the film get naked???
Sadly, no. Our 3 sexy vixens, Hel (Erin Cummings), Camero (America Olivo) and Trixie, the "Perfect 10" (Julia Voth) keep most of their clothes on (the few they are actually wearing).
In other words, these aren't the nipples you're looking for.
2.) I heard there is serious amounts of lesbianism, women on women sex, lots of boobie groping and even a montage of the 3 splashing water on each other in a climaxing slo mo. So it's a family movie right?
Oh most definitely. Yup, lots of Baywatch slo mo (director Rick Jacobsen is a Baywatch alum) of our trio acting uber slutty with closeups of their yummy parts. This all hits an apex when the 3 have a water fight dumping pails of water on their perfect looking bodies....ummm I'll be right back......
OK I'm back. There's also a hot scene of Trixie and Hel going all L Word on each other. Man oh man, I think I have my new favorite hottie in Julie Voth.
3.) I could just go and surf for porn or even watch some Skinemax for some hot chicks. So why should I watch this shit?
Well, because what porn and Skinemax don't have is serious amounts of bitch slapping and chick on chick violence. Fight choreographer Zoe Bell (from Tarantino's Death Proof) has designed the ultimate kick ass scenes for you to enjoy.
Not since Nada vs Frank in They Live has their been an uber fight scene that lasted for at least 10-15 minutes. And we just don't get one fight, we get 2!
4.) So who' s the big bad in all of this?
Plenty of enemies get the call including Road Warrior reject Hot Wire, his own GoGo Yubari Kinki and a mysterious Keyser Soze ultimate super villain of legend, Pinky.
5.) What the fuck dude? I heard there are a bunch of flashbacks to explain the plot in this. Can you explain because I get dizzy when that happens.
So to get to why they are in the middle of the desert searching for the diamonds, everybody's back story is told in flashbacks ranging from 6 months, to 3 days to 3 weeks. The flashbacks tell how everybody met and are quite the hoot.
Camaro in a convent taking advantage of nuns, Trixie is a stripper who using her assets to get the info she needs and Hel's got some government contacts and isn't who she says she is. Lots of hilarity ensues and its all kooky crazy.
6.) I heard there are a few cameos from people I know. Is Taylor Swift in this and if so, is she naked?
Sorry, I don't want to interrupt but Julie Voth got better boobs then you do. Yup, there are cameos. Kevin Sorbo makes a cameo as does Lucy Lawless as Mother Superior. If you watched Xena, Renee O'Connor makes an appearance as well as does Zoe Bell herself.
Also the midget prostitute from Total Recall (I shit you not)
7.) Can you check again if any of the stars got naked in this? C'mon maybe you missed a nipple slip.
Sorry no dude. But America Olivo got naked in Friday the 13th, so go watch that. On second thought, don't.
8.) I heard that the women in this movie are strong, powerful female characters who are not just beautiful but are also intelligent and evoke some feminist message about empowerment. Is this true?
**Wipes drool** Yeah sure. Whatever you say.
9.) So there's a twist right?
Yeah, even a monkey with a computer could figure out this twist.
10.) Is their enough to warrant a sequel so that I can see Julie Voth again?
Yup. Most definitely. We all want that.
If you have anymore questions, leave em in the comments below. Bitch Slap is total mindless B-movie fun. Sure it's like a strip club, all tease but no show (or touching in a sense) but it is very arousing and very stimulating.
Lots of punches to the face, high powered assault rifles, yo-yo's with razors attached to them and solid bitch slapping. It does get a little cheesy at times, where the characters are completely ACME cartoon cutouts or Skinemax parody movies. It really does feel like one of those Skinemax movies where the pseudo porn stars play secret agents or horny aliens looking for men to prey on.
But the thing about Bitch Slap is it actually feels like its a better quality of Skinemax. The 3 stars are decent actresses and make the laughable movie into something actually tolerable.
The best way to describe it is when your skimming through a copy of Maxim sometimes there's an article on some ex Green Beret special ops guy who killed like an army all by himself and you stop looking at the pics to read the article. Good article, awesome pictures.
WTF Moment
Gratuitous slo-mo water fight....Yes!
The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis
Bitch Slap had a limited run in the theaters and comes out on DVD March 2. It's one of those movies that the trailer made look so freakin awesome. Does it live up to the hype? Sorta. I mean it's got the best cleavage closeups I've seen in a while. Remember dude.
Hot looking hotties + high tech guns + cat fighting = WIN!
I never heard of Jeremiah Kipp until he sent over a link to his latest short Contact. But a quick search on his name and his career comes into clear view on the interweb. So never turning a deaf ear on the indie scene, I watched the short (and you can view here).
the jaded viewer says: Simply, its a story about a couple (a black dude who look like Andre 3000 and a white woman) who score some crack, get naked and smoke it. But it's done a little more avante garde than that.
Entirely in black and white, the film I thought was a silent short until somebody spoke and seems to echo a message that drugs are indeed a virus that can break up the family mold.
It's shot nicely, the establishing scenes are very dark but with light filtering in. The naked drug use gives way to some surrealistic kissing hallucinations that were top notch.
Contact is a dream that seems like a nightmare but we don't know which is true. Not sure what the message is, but for a 10 minute short, it's going to make you think twice on doing hard drugs. Just say No, but say yes to this short.
I'm not going to lie. I got caught up in the hype for Adam Green's new movie Frozen. I absolutely loved Hatchet, dug Spiral and have enjoyed all the ArieScope shorts (including some awesome Halloween themed shorts). So suffice it to say, I am a big fan of Green and his work.
So my bias had me giving this movie 4 spinkicks even before I saw it. But I realized I needed to review this flick with some sort of objectivity and so as I watched, that 4 spinkicks would be modified as the flick went along.
OK, so with my prejudice out of the way, what did I think of Frozen?
I absolutely loved the premise of what would you do if you were trapped on a ski lift and there was no hope of rescue. I had a few coworkers watch the trailer and we all came up with theories. Some of them would sit and wait for help, others would go all MacGyver and work out a way to get down.
The movie shows some of these theories play out and a few others that seem quite preposterous. Like the movie its ultimately compared to, Open Water (a movie I also thought was average at best) the best part of the movie is not seeing the suffering or the panic on the faces of our would be survivors, it's coming up with ways we think we could survive the same ordeal.
It's a mixed bag of nuts for me. I liked the premise, the escape attempts and *gasp* even the characters. What I didn't like were the other obstacles that nature threw their way that seemed outright ridiculous.
So for this review (as I try to be non spoiler-ish), I've come up with my own rules of how to survive being on a ski lift without the hope of rescue.
Boring Plot-O-Matic
Three skiers are stranded on a chairlift and forced to make life-or-death choices that prove more perilous than staying put and freezing to death.
Awesome Review-O-Matic
How to Survive Being Stuck on A Ski Lift 1.) Have your cell phone at all times (and make sure it's got coverage at the ski resort!)
Sure you don't want to break your phone while snowboarding or skiing but it sure would be a good idea when your stuck on a ski lift. Hell, even if it doesn't work you can play MindSweeper while you wait to die.
2.) Have interesting stories to talk about while waiting for that eventual, slow painful death
So if you've been stuck in a winter storm, our main characters are as follows:
Dan (college X-Gamer who plays Rational Guy)
Parker (his GF who plays Panic Girl)
Lynch (Dan's BFF who plays Hero Guy)
The one thing about Frozen is the characters feel real. None of them seem like hipster douchebags who you want to die. I actually felt sympathy and was pulling for all of them to survive (especially Lynch who is the stereotypical stoner but comes out instead as a dude you wanna have a beer with)
Adam Green made Frozen quick and probably in budget but he has pretty much one setting for 80% of the movie. 3 people on a ski lift. So how in the world do you get people to tolerate such a thing for an hour or so?
You really need them to talk about themselves and tell stories that are interesting to the audience. And Lynch does this well (he talks about meeting Dan, awesome cereals, his lost love and celebrities he would do). The others, Parker and Dan are in relationship mode and console each other. But Lynch makes all the difference as he's the Shaun White guy with the funny one liners.
One scene that had me squirming was the eventual death of one of the 3. Two characters only looked at each other as a slaughter occurred. Very good Adam Green stuff on this. Kudos.
3.) Bring various objects that can be MacGyver-ed into a device that can be made into something that can aide in your escape (and also gum)
So our 3 X-gamers don't have ski lift tix but fandangle their way via the ski lift operator for one last run. But circumstances work out perfectly, that this dude and dudes "forget" about them (they are probably gonna be charged with manslaughter at the end of the day)
But in the meantime, our group of 3 are hungry, they are having urination issues and are cold as fuck. Night is approaching and its time to think of ways of escaping these freezer box torture. If they had brought a hanger, a bungee cord, a Phillips head screwdriver and some gum, they could have easily created a device to get them down.
So how does one get down from a ski lift?
Here are some of my outrageous theories (some of them are even plausible!)
Use one of the ski poles to slide down on the wire where the lifts are attached
Use your clothing and various snow equipment to make a rope and lower yourself down
Jump to a nearby tree to break your fall
Use the cushion your sitting on and jump off with that to break your fall
Of course the movie plays out the worst of the ideas and that's where it shines. Seeing the gruesomeness and consequences of these escape attempts even got me, the jaded viewer, a little squeamish. I winced quite a few times which goes to show you how the movie is effective in this way.
The movie is very realistic in what happens when you try to do the impossible. Nobody here is going to the Winter Olympics and they are all amateurs in survival. I really liked this about Frozen and it doesn't skim on the gore factor. You're gonna get hurt and it's going to hurt like fuckin crazy. 4.) Bring some Chapstick and a portable heater
So the effects of a prolonged cold are going to wreak havoc on the human body. Frostbite is the main adversary in the battle vs the winter. Frozen does do a great job of illustrating the evolution of it on the human body (and for us gorehounds, more so gratuitously).
5.) Bring Samurai Swords, a flamethrower and a high powered assault rifle (to scare any woodland creatures away)
The movie was at a high 3 spinkicks for me until we got some nature vs man moments inserted into the flick.
**!!!!!!SPOILERS!!!!!** (sorry can't help it)
The wolves were a bit overkill on here. I can believe sharks in Open Water but wolves at a ski resort? Sure, that could happen but where are the wolves when the ski resort is opened? I'm no Animal Planet expert but these wolves are like an LA street gang. I mean our crew is only in their territory a short time and the wolves are performing drive by mauls.
This is indeed the WTF moment of the film and for me it's not a very good Big Bad and destroys the realisticness of the movie. The mega cold, blizzard conditions, frostbite and human error are all things that COULD happen but the wolves were overkill in my opinion.
Frozen ends a little differently than I would have wanted it to and for that another spinkick gets knocked down. Sure we've gotten a few survivor stories (many unbelievable from the Haiti earthquake) but more so, it's more probable that there are more sad endings than happy.
All in all Frozen is a slightly above average film that delivers the goods and the reactions of what people would do if the worst case scenario happened to them. I applaud Adam Green for taking a very obvious question and extending it to a movie that has some solid suspense, some shiverish moments and ample amounts of gore.
Frozen is a survival movie where nature attacks from all sides. But its our will to survive that usually ends in our downfall. Go see it and decide what you would do if that were you up on the ski lift is sub zero temperatures. Because what you think might work, doesn't.
The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis
Indie Horror has to be supported so if Frozen is playing in your neighborhood, please go see it. Here is the link to the cities it's playing at. Right now, the movie is got people leaning in the middle. Some absolutely love the movie, others thought it was dribble.
I fall on neither extreme side. I loved some parts of it and others I felt were too goofy and unrealistic. But that won't stop me from telling you to see Frozen to see why everybody has such a diverse opinion about it.
Now I'm going to make me some hot chocolate. It's cold outside.
[this review brought to you by Insano Steve, who has sleepless nights and reoccurring nightmares that Jean Claude Van Damme's bump on his head is out to attack him]
As you can probably tell from our rating system, Jean Claude Van Damme is the jadedviewer.com's favorite actor. Hard to believe that he's been around for over 22 years! That's a long time for an actor with so little acting ability. While most people probably gave up on JCVD in the late 1990s, he's been pumping out mediocre straight-to-video movies for over a decade. Let's take a look at his most recent movie ......
Boring Plot-O-Matic
When terrorists threaten nuclear catastrophe, the world's only hope is to reactivate decommissioned Universal Soldier Luc Deveraux...
Awesome Review-O-Matic
Universal Soldier: Regeneration is part 3 of the Universal Soldier series. Seeing how part 1 was a JCVD classic, and part 2 was his last legitimate theatrical release, my hopes were modestly high for part 3 here. Does it deliver? Well, my first impression, was not too good. As the opening credits rolled, I noticed that once again, all the actors seem to have Eastern European names. Sure looked like another of his "filmed in Bulgaria" crap-fests. And the video quality was camcorder quality. I know I watched a downloaded copy, but this shit was pretty bad.
As for the plot, a bunch of Russian terrorists kidnap the Russian Prime Minister's children. Deciding to up the ante, the terrorists then occupy the former Chernobyl nuclear power plant and threaten to detonate one of the old nuclear reactors. They do all of this to free their jailed comrades. You would think the kidnap of the children would be enough to get the job done. Nope. Apparently, in Russia, if you don't threaten to irradiate the population, the government doesn't take you seriously. But wait, that's not all. The terrorists also recruit a traitorous American scientist who brings along his next generation cyborg Universal Soldier (this model resembling a MMA fighter).
The American army finds out about this new UniSol, and decides to 'regenerate' a couple of 1st generation and send them in to fight the terrorists. These UniSols are quickly dispatched by the MMA soldier. The de-frosted UniSols are played by real puny looking actors to make MMA soldier look extra bad ass.
In the meantime, our hero, JCVD, is in a de-tox program to help former Universal Soldiers reacclimate back into society (sorta like Michael Vick's dogs). He's doing well, albeit he looks really old. His fighting skills have deteriorated and his grasp of the English language is marginal (not a real stretch for JCVD). However, left with no other recourse to deal with the new MMA UniSol, America decides they have to use JCVD. Once again, JCVD is forced to fight! Why was this America's problem anyway? I really don't know. It's always best not to ask too many questions of a JCVD plot.
Later, for some reason that I forget, the terrorists decide to defrost another old UniSol. This one played by our favorite Russian bad guy, Dolph Lundgren. Poor Dolph looks super-old in this movie. Even older than Van Damme. He's probably in the movie for 10 minutes despite being on the DVD cover. He spouts a few lines indicating he is now self-aware, and then proceeds to fight JCVD to the death. Technically, Dolph was playing a clone of the Dolph he played in part 1, who JCVD killed. You get that? How would you feel if somebody killed your clone? Really makes you think. Meanwhile, the Russian Prime Minister chooses his children over the welfare of his country and gives in to the terrorists' demands. Way to go Russia! Nice government you have over there. The terrorists get their comrades freed, but decide "Fuck it, let's blow up the nuclear reactor anyway!". The terrorists proceed to set the detonator (with an impractically long countdown time) and leave the MMA fighter to ensure the explosion.
Will JCVD reach the bomb in time?
Will he do his patented spin kick?
Will his stunt double perform a spin kick?
What about the Prime Minister's kids? Who's gonna save those little fucker?
OK, I won't spoil it for you, ....
Gore-ipedia
Well this isn't a horror movie so not much gore. More like a bunch of MMA type moves and holds. They're decent, if you're into that sorta thing. Van Damme does kill Dolph by throwing a pipe through his forehead, then firing a shotgun through the hole. Good work Van Damme!
Nude-ipedia
T&A: Total sausage fest. I can't imagine a movie having less nudity than this. I'm not sure there was even a female in the movie.
WTF moment?!?
In all of the fights JCVD had, it was pretty apparent that he was using a stunt double. And when JCVD was fighting Dolph, it looked like they were using 2 stunt doubles! Poor JCVD. Kinda sad. Kinda funny. I guess it wasn't hard to find a stuntman who looks like JCVD (the back of his head anyway).
WTF moment 2!?!
While JCVD is in killing machine de-tox, he has a relapse in a cafe, and practically kills an elderly man minding his own business. JCVD just snaps while drinking a coffee, and beats the shit out of the old guy. Then leaves the cafe like nothing happened. Totally random. Totally awesome. As WTF as it gets.
The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis
By any objective measure, Universal Soldier Regeneration is another below average action flick. Subjectively though, as bad it was on many levels, I enjoyed it. It's certainly better than most of his recent 'character action' movies. Due to the plot, Van Damme, does little acting (which is his weakness), And due to his advanced age (dude's pushing 50), his stunt double does most of the fighting. So in an ironic way, it's the best of both worlds. He can neither act nor fight. Yet somehow, he's still out there kicking ass!
So, as long as JCVD is gonna make movies where he (or some guy who resembles him) is spin kicking bad guys, you can be sure that I'll be watching. Oh, who am I kidding? JCVD could probably start doing gay porn, and I'd probably watch.
I got some backlash from my review of The House of the Devil as I basically said it was average at best. It's a slow burn, some decent jump scares and I summed it up by saying it was a reheated frozen dinner.
So what if I had one of those frozen dinners again?
Well this is where Babysitter Wanted comes in. It's got the same premise as Ti West's film. College girl with lousy roommate gets a gig to babysit a couple's young little tyke in the middle of boonies USA. Suspense is drawn out as mysterious phone calls start ringing, she frantically searches for the kid and than the big reveal is well...revealed.
Suffice it to say, if I told you what the curveball was, it might ruin the movie for you. But I'll tell you straight out. It's definitely not what happened in The House of the Devil. But for me, the difference between this flick and the latter is that we don't have to wait an obscene amount of time to get the big reveal.
I will tell you exactly when we get it in this movie. It's at the 48 minute mark. You'd think after everything is revealed it would be down hill from then on. But it doesn't. It actually becomes more cat and mouse fun and has some awesome tension filled moments.
Babysitter Wanted is what I wanted from The House of the Devil. It takes that babysitter urban legend and squeezes every drop of horror onto the screen. If I had to do a switch to my Top 20 list, I'd actually do it. A very solid horror movie that actually lives up to what it was trying to do.
And here's why. Boring Plot-O-Matic
In a small college town, a young girl working on a babysitting job in a rural farm is terrorized throughout the night.
Awesome Review-O-Matic
Angie (Sarah Thompson) is a religiously devoted freshman starting her first year in community college. She's got the stoner roommate and is the total country bumpkin. Lacking funds, she rips apart a flyer's number and gets a gig babysitting for the Stantons and their cowboy in training kid Sam.
She soon gets a BF to be and gets various foreshadowing flyers taped to her dorm room door. As the babysitting gig starts off, all is slightly normal. And this is where I have to stop or I'll reveal too much.
Let me just say the moments play out as they do all these other babysitter in peril movies. She walks slowly around the house so the creepy gets into overdrive. The phone starts ringing with incomprehensible speech and the most over used cliched scene in babysitter movies makes an appearance as well where our terrified babysitter is searching for the missing kid around the house and she pulls back a shower curtain.
One time instead of seeing an empty tub I'd like to see the worst thing she has ever seen. Severed heads, body parts, organs and tons of blood and splatter.
But that would be a reveal wouldn't it?
The rest of the movie after the twist is your standard final girl vs the big bad. A few solid splatter and gore scenes are interspersed throughout the struggle and we see the evolution of Angie from good, religious college girl to outright profanity spewing final girl of the year. It's an awesome performance from the hot girl next door Sarah Thompson (she was on Angel and a few other TV shows). Seeing her devotedness go from God to survival was fun to watch.
Also, the movie is effective in its set up shots to get the tension moving. Lots of faraway shots with the killer moving in. Closeups to get the emotional punch and a few twists and turns that were set up by the black darkness of this small little house in the middle of nowhere.
All in all, Babysitter Wanted hits on all these notes and does it without including the 80s nostalgia. Sure, there are various logic holes in the reveal and "the ending" actually has like 3 endings within itself. Directors Barnes and Manasseri make sure that our last shot ends on a note of hope rather than dread.
With these type of films, it's hard to blend the pre reveal with the post reveal within the movie. But Babysitter Wanted does its best and it comes out all right. I love when a film that you watch going in with no expectations blows you away. The feeling is just spontaneous happy, sorta like winning an auction on eBay.
This urban legend that's spawned countless movies still keeps chugging along. Let's hope they're all like Babysitter Wanted.
Gore-ipedia
Ax trauma Knife trauma Meathook trauma Achilles heel trauma Various splatter and gore
Nude-ipedia
Nada. But Sarah Thompson looks particularly yummy in a very tight sweater WTF moment THE BIG REVEAL!
The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis
If you didn't like The House of the Devil or thought it was just "eh", well than try another of these reheated frozen dinners. This one is like a Hungry Man frozen dinner. It's packed with meaty morsels, some peas and carrots and some solid dessert.
Sure it looks like When a Stranger Calls and even Halloween, but its one of the best 25 horror movies to come out last year. For me, this is one of the best babysitter in peril movies ever.
Now rip off the flyer's phone number and dial this one up.
Looks like Fangoria.com is back live...sorta. The site is back live but I noticed a couple of things seemed a little off:
The last post was made on January 10th
The site has reverted back to the old design (it had been redesigned recently)
The forums are still not working
After my initial post yesterday, I got a few tweets from former Fangoria staff members. So here are a few updates:
Correction from yesterday. That new blog is made up of the former MAGAZINE staff not the web writers
From @JamesZahn (former writer for the web staff) recently quit as did others that worked on the online portion of FANGORIA
John Z. wrote up an article as well about the potential demise of FANGORIA, its other property (STARLOG) and the Brooklyn Company. Check it out here
HorrorBid also wrote up something about this as well today (possibly inspired by my post :-))
Thanks for all the comments. If you have a subscription, you may want to cancel (just in case).
I'm sure the new big horror sites are to blame for their demise but FANGORIA was ingrained in all our childhoods. They could have easily reinvented themselves on the web. The magazine could have been a place where they drove traffic to the site (sorta how gaming magazines do their content).
I can't believe that advertising would have been an issue as we've had a large numbers of horror movies that come out theatrically and are out on DVD. Even horrible movies like Stepfather and other crap get ads forced down the horror community's throats. Aside from movies, TV shows and video games are a potential revenue stream. As I write this right now, they are running ads for The House of the Devil DVD, Frozen and The Crazies!
Well let's see if I've created some buzz so we can get some answers. I hate to be a TMZ-ish journafan, but I'm a fan and follower and even though things look gloomy and doomy, I want Fangoria to survive. I mean I won The Tournament on DVD from them recently!
Hmm, it's going to be interesting how this plays out. J. Zahn says we should all be on the lookout.
So let's try to ignore the volcano exploding in the background and reminisce about how Fangoria affected your horror second life. What's your fondest memory of Fangoria? Is it the magazine? A Weekend of Horror convention? The forums?
What's your story?
**UPDATE**
Deleted magazine launch point as this was year old news
With the Bloody Disgusting Awards contest (insert shameless plug here: Vote for the jaded viewer!!!) and the Total Film disaster, what I recently noticed that some people haven't been talking about is that Fangoria.com has been down for the last few weeks. If you click on the site, it goes to a blank white page.
Just a week or so ago, they had the logo up but it wasn't clickable. Hmmm, this all leads me to believe one of the following:
A.) The site's been having server problems B.) It's undergoing a redesign of some sort C.) They are possibly changing domain names D.) The staff all left, the magazine is probably bankrupt and this is the end of Fangoria as we know it
Yup I'm gonna have to with D. That's the persistent rumor that's been floating around the interwebs of late. If it is true that most of the staff of Fangoria has been laid off, this is a sad day indeed.
Fangoria has been part of my horror childhood, tweens, teens and adult size life. I remember opening up a copy of Fangoria and looking at all the gory pictures and saying: "OMG! We gott a see Hellraiser Part...whatever". Look at Pinhead! He's fuckin badass!". The articles were a gateway into the minds of the horror filmmakers, the writers and the special effects geniuses we all know and love.
Aside from the magazine, the Weekend of Horrors was a must go event back in the day. I say back in the day because its recently become a shell of its former self. Horrible guests, boring panels, lack of dealers and just outrageous prices for autographs of C level celebrities.
But back in the day, it was filled with hard to find movies, a place to get awesome Evil Dead t-shirts and toys and collectibles that were nostalgia gone wild. The world premiere movies, the panels and the auctions made this one of the best conventions to go to.
Well that's all gone now.
The web is short on information on what's going on behind the scenes with Fangoria as we speak. Here are the rumors and heresay I've collected:
One of the moderators at Fangoria.com (@fubarinpa) was booted as a moderator
According to some message boards, the entire staff have been fighting and the web staff walked out and started their own blog (which you can go to here: Fangoria News)
No new Fangoria Weekend of Horrors conventions have been announced
The magazine is being handled by a different distribution agency
The magazine has slight pulse (people have gotten the most recent issue)
Editor Anthony Timpone has said it will be back up soon (via Facebook)
Well, will this all be addressed when it does come back up? Are all the rumors true about the web staff abandoning ship causing the site to sink? Hmm, well this post will add fire to the burning wildfire surrounding the future of Fangoria.
Fangoria is not the same as it use to be. In this internet age, how can a magazine/website compete with the Horror Hounds and Rue Morgues that seem to be now better in the space they once used to dominate.
More to come as I see it. If you've got anymore information, put it in the comments. Also, check out the comments, a certain editor in chief seems to have left one in.
Here's hoping Fangoria survives. Some of us want to see it continue, others don't. But without any doubt, Fangoria has left a impact in the horror universe.
“The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he did not exist. And like that... he was gone.”
Will anybody remember that a show called Dollhouse aired on TV for 2 seasons on Fox? Probably not. In the not so distant future we may have a few people who will recall something about a show with imprinted personalities, but like a reality star celebrity, those will disappear from the public consciousness in a nano second.
But like Echo remembering a fallen Paul in the series finale, I’ll remember. Though Dollhouse is not the caliber of Joss Whedon previous efforts, Dollhouse will be Whedon’s 4th best show on his TV resume. It had its moments of action, Zen and humor but will somehow be remembered as a return to TV that was over hyped, full of ratings disaster and ultimately cut short. My gut feeling is that we won’t see the end of Whedon from TV, but instead we’ll get a self imposed hiatus that will last what will seem like an eternity to us Whedon is our Master fanatics.
So what did Dollhouse bring us in its series finale Epitaph 2: The Return? Lots of closure in a sense without the closing credit “Where are they now?” text. But it seems most of Epitaph 2 was full of relationships that somehow were neatly bow tied for us die hards to consume. It’s a very disjointed series finale where if it were *gasp* 2 hours, maybe we’d see the end of some monumental storylines. These include Boyd and Clyde 2.0 as the Big Bads being completely ignored as well as how the tech got in the hands of evil. But Joss decided that, like all his shows the storyline and overarching plot were not the important aspects of the show. He focused on the characters and that’s where we break it down.
Mag and Zone
Mag (Felicia Day) and Zone (Zach Ward) reprise their roles in the post apocalyptic mind wiped world from Epitaph One. With little mini Caroline in tow they are captured, sent to Neuropolis (originally Tucson) and thus get to meet la resistance. The glimpses of this future make Book of Eli look realistic. Cities look like Detroit and the public are acting as if American Idol just got cancelled. But throughout this episode Mag and Zone become full members of the resistance. Felicia Day gives a top notch performance and probably should have been a regular on the show as her screen presence is Dr. Horrible awesome. It’s a fitting conclusion for these 2 and if we could rewind, Epitaph One SHOULD have been the pilot and we could have had flash forwards seeing there future with the Dollhouse present. That would have been a better direction to go.
Sierra and Victor
Our Xander and Anya couple are having career choice marital problems in this episode. Sierra/Priya is raising their son little Tony in a non tech utopia while Victor/Tony is now a full fledge member of the Tech head Mad Max Road warriors (complete with NFL shoulder pads and techy jewelry). As both go and make the road trip to help the resistance, Victor makes the choice his comrades don’t want to. He abandons the tech that’s made them Six million dollar specials and reunites with his wife and son.
Dichen Lachman and Enver Gjokaj have been the unsung heroes of the show and whatever conflict they had gets easily resolved with less than adequate screen time. Gjokaj’s performances in Season 2 have been stellar (most notably his “Topher”) and Lachman in a scene with Eliza Dushku gives her best performance.
It’s a family reunion for these misfits of science.
Adelle and Topher
Adelle and Topher play the rather obvious mom and son relationship to the max here. It’s been subtle but both Olivia Williams and Fran Kranz have done their best to keep it that way. Topher is cuckoo crazy but his genius brain invents the tech to cure all the Actives and revert them back to the way they were. But it’s Williams as Adelle that plays mommy to Topher, consoling him and shouldering some of the burden he has gone through. Topher has been my favorite character on the show (as he’s the most nerdy and pop culture savvy of the cast) and here he turns all Dr. Sam Beckett serious to leap from life to life, fixing what went wrong. Dying in an explosion with his deux ex machina tech he recites to Adelle before he activates it and says: “I don’t want to cause anymore pain”. His death, one of 2 in this episode, hit me the hardest.
Echo and Paul
What didn’t hit me hard was Paul’s very abrupt death in a lackluster gun battle. Tahmoh Penikett’s Paul Ballard had many changes to his character that I just decided not to care anymore. From dedicated rogue FBI agent, to Echo’s Handler, there just seemed to be too much two face in Paul. Adding to the fact that so much time was dedicated to the innuendo of Echo and Ballard that it was somewhat surprising to see a scene dedicated to Echo mourning his untimely death. Eliza Dushku for the first time shows off a very emotional performance as she comes to grips with her lonely life.
Paul tells Echo that she really hasn’t opened up to him since they’ve been together and than seeing her feel guilt for not telling him how she felt was witnessing the evolution of Echo. Dushku had often played Echo as Buffy but without the emotional baggage. Here we finally see Echo “feel” human. In the final ultimate last scene, Echo is united with Paul via an imprint wedge and they finally are together (well in her mind anyway) and the last shot is Echo sleeping in the Dollhouse bunk, smiling. Miscellaneous Tidbits of Bits
Alan Tudyk makes a cameo as Alpha, now a resistance member who fashions the Dollhouse back the way it was. Summer Glau also cameos via video footage so that Topher can say goodbye. Maurissa Tancharoen played Kilo, one of Victor’s Road Warrior tech heads. She is married to Jed Whedon and was also a writer on Dollhouse.
It’s time for a one final treatment
Epitaph 2: The Return resulted in some world saving, some families reunited, some unfortunate sacrifices and true love for one. It’s far from a perfect series finale but more of a dedication to Joss Whedon to the fanbase that the characters of the show are what matters most. Whedon didn’t want us to speculate on the fate of our characters and we should be thankful we got closure on all of them.
In the end, Dollhouse will be remembered as a show that took an idea from Eliza and Joss, evolved it and brought back one of the geniuses of modern day TV back to the medium. However, even a genius can make something that backfires. What started out as a good idea turned into a total misfire. Hey, ask Topher Brink about that. He knows exactly how Joss Whedon feels.
The one thing that I've been not familiar with is the world of web horror and horror shorts. I've been trying to correct this with my ongoing The Shortround series where I put up shorts or web series that I think are pretty cool.
