the jaded viewer

Midnight Movie

Midnight Movie (2008)

Directed by Jack Messitt

The tagline for Midnight Movie is "The New Face Of Horror".
Wow, such freakin bravado isn't it? Well the dude to the left is a new face, as I mean I've never seen em before. But its not like he's going to win rookie Slasher of the Year or anything.

Chromeskull won that award last year.

Not much to say about this flick. It's your generic MTV generation hack and slash, slasher film. It's got an interesting premise, but its a total yawnfest. You'd think it would be one of those self aware Scream like films, but it plays like a generic bag of potato chips.

Oh yeah, Brea Grant was in this (she was on the TV show Heroes and Halloween II remake) so that was sorta cool. Umm, I'm gonna go through the slasher checklist on this review.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A midnight showing of an early 1970's horror movie turns to chaos when the Killer from the movie comes out of the film to attack those in the theater.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

As always, we here at the jaded viewer go through our "what makes a good slasher movie" list.

Does Midnight Movie achieve everything on this list? Umm no it doesn't.

1.) Is there a mysterious, insanely strong, ridiculed as a child, deformed, inbred redneck slasher?

Umm The Killer is mysterious, insanely strong, probably not ridiculed as a child, very much deformed and yeah, I'm going to say he's from West Virginia.

2.) Gratuitous, over the top, super fleshy nudity (with Grade A boobage)?

Nada. Nope. Zip. Zilch. Zippo. Negative. No Can do.

3.) Stereotypical teenage caricatures who die gruesome and horrific over the top deaths?

Yeah, this one has a few of em.

1.) Blonde final girl who goes from hysterical GF and older sister to "I'm gonna fuck up this slasher wannabe"
2.) Her emo BF
3.) Douchebag asshole friend
4.) Douchebag's slutty GF
5.) Fat Biker guy
6.) Fat Biker guy's GF
7.) 2 inept police officers
8.) Oversexed dork guy
9.) The lovely Brea Grant
10.) Final girl's little brother

Most die and you could care less. Trust me. I was hoping the killer would come out of my TV and make me a victim.

4.) No Plot?

Check.

5.) Kills by our slasher that make you go "Fuck yeah!"

Yawn. My grandma's grandma could do better.

6.) Gore, lots of it. Like serious decapitation, dismemberment, impalement, frenzy steroid rages and blood shooting out at various penetration wounds, limbs a flailing and mindless splatter and mayhem.

Here is your Gore-ipedia. So the Killer has some sort of screwer thingy as his weapon. Seems like he bought it at a 99 cents store.

1.) Screwer through the stomach
2.) Screwer through the stomach
3.) Screwer through the stomach
4.) Screwer through the stomach
5.) Screwer through the stomach

Sensing a pattern here?

7.) Geeky leader who takes charge of the hapless group as they try to escape who befriends a hot girl who knows about the "legend" (there's always a legend no one believes)

Actually none of that happened in this movie. Where were you geeky leader?

8.) Funny yet ill timed dialogue but also various quips and one liners that are funny only the first time around (yet somehow funny again when you buy the DVD and only when you're stoned)

Hmm maybe I should try smoke some weed and then watch this. It probably depress me than make me laugh.

9.) Final girl goes all final girly?

Oddly she does and starts praying for no apparent reason. And she starts praying alot. I think this is the first time I've seen gratuitous praying in a horror movie.

10.) Wildly ambiguous ending that can be used to warrant a sequel?

I think so. I kinda wasn't paying attention.

WTF moment

The odd dream sequence that I didn't understand because I went to the bathroom for like 20 minutes.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Wow this review didn't even give you any idea of what this movie is about did it? Well it was about some people who see a midnight cult movie where the slasher in the movie comes to life and starts killing the people in the theater. The movie flashes between the cult movie called "The Death Beyond" oops that's "The Dark Beneath" and the people run around and start getting picked off one by one.

Yawn. Double Yawn. Can I go for gold!??! OMG it's a triple yawn! He's got the gold.

Rating:
Check out the trailer below.

Labels: 2009 horror dvd, 2009 horror movies, 2009 horror trailers, midnight movie

Posted by the jaded viewer at 11:00 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Well here it is. My Top Horror Movies of 2009! Sorry for taking so long to get this posted but I had to catch up on some of the movies I missed this year. I usually look at other people's lists and watch the movies that others claimed were the best. If I didn't, I would have missed a few sleepers and some hidden gems.

So this year's edition is a "fat as Texas" edition. I'm not just posting a top 10 list but adding #11-20 as well. This list of #11-20 you'll be surprised to find has many of the movies that can be found on the horrorsphere's Top 10 lists. I had a different take on what was considered "the best" this year and my picks are totally abnormal from everybody else. I'm just quirky that way.

First some fun facts and sidenotes!

• Though some of these movies came out in 2008, I label any movie that got wide releases or DVD releases in 2009 as coming out in 2009
  
• It's a mix of STV, indie horror and box office elephants
  
• Here are the movies I didn't see yet: Anti Christ, Cold Prey, Infestation, 36 Pasos, Jennifer's Body, The Last House on the Left, Rec 2, The Descent 2 and countless others
• 3 films that almost made the list that now get the Honorable Mentions tag: The Burrowers (2 spinkicks), Carriers (2 and half spinkicks), Bad Biology (2 and half spinkicks)
• The 20 films broken down by country: USA = 13, UK=1, France =1, Korea =1, Canada=2, Norway=1, Sweden=1
• The 20 films broken down by spinkick rating: 4 spinkicks=3, 3 and a 1/2 spinkicks= 2, 3 spinkicks=10, 2 spinkicks and a half=1, 2 spinkicks=4
• To read the entire review of the film click on the title.
  

So what did 2009 offer us in the world of horror?

• Shaky cam/POV horror makes a comeback that nobody saw coming
• All of Hollywood's remakes sucked and all were big giant turds
• The whispering killer kid movies stormed into the mainstream and excelled
• Zombie movies still packed a punch but vampire movies ruled the horror universe
• Long awaited movies made their much awaited DVD premieres
• My #1 movie is again not from the USA

Let's get to the list! Here is #20 to #11.

20.) The Hills Run Red (2 spinkicks)

The Hills Run Red got the hype treatment within the horror universe this year. It's premise, it's sleek grindy slasher and Sophia Monk wearing nothing should be enough to equal yayness and approval from us fans. For me, it equals more of a mix bag of donuts. Sure you get your oozing jelly filled, and your chocolate yuminess. But you also get your over done elaborate, sprinkled Boston cremes and some other exotic new flavors that catch your eye. Yeah, it looks pretty but it doesn't taste that good.

Well that's The Hills Run Red. It looks good from the outside but when you dig in, it's not as delicious as you thought it would be.

Read the full review here.


19.) Grace (2 spinkicks)

Grace is on many Top 10 lists this year. Can you believe I have this as #19?

Before you start throwing dirty diapers at me, I liked some moments in the film but as I wrote:

Overall, Grace is stretched out from a short to a feature and you can see some of the stretch marks on what didn't work. The idea is sound, the performances solid and the bits of gore are well done. But at the end of it, Grace's message doesn't resonate intensely on the "What would you do for your child" theme...

Read the full review.



18.) Evil Things (2 spinkicks and a half)

Overshadowed by Paranormal Activity, Rec and others, Evil Things takes the shaky cam and blends in some home invasion.

Finally, the movie is making the rounds on the horror blogosphere and getting the praise it deserves.

Read the full review here.


17.) The House of the Devil (2 spinkicks)

The House of the Devil is another one of those movies that's way up top on many best of lists. I loved the 80s nostalgia throwback machine but hated the slow burn.

I was not a fan of devil worshipping movies to begin with so I couldn't enjoy this as much as the rest of the horrorverse.

That isn't to say I didn't find moments of suspense and WTF craziness in The House of the Devil. It teases you with creepy moments and visual candy.

A very decent movie from Ti West that should be applauded just for the fact that it didn't adhere to all the conventions of 2009 horror.

Read the full review here.

16.) Drag Me To Hell (2 spinkicks)

Sam Raimi's return to horror was overhyped to say the least. Drag Me To Hell is vintage Raimi, no doubt and others have deemed this as one of the best this year.

No argument by me. I enjoyed seeing Deadite like goofiness and ocular trauma splattered with that Raimi-ness.

But why do I have this dismally at #16? Well I had a problem with the main character Christine. She was not the heroine I was expecting and played victim throughout.

It's basically Evil Dead lite. And I was wishing for the epic good vs evil Raimi horror of old.

Read the full review here.


15.) End of the Line (3 spinkicks)

Haven't heard of End of the Line? Most of America hasn't either. This little Canadian flick was released on DVD this year and blew me away by making the horror movie on a train work...and work well.

Basically it's religious cult going all homicidal on a train and the survivors trying to stay alive.

Somehow, I just dug it though it gets a little weird towards the end.

It's a sleeper movie of 2009 that should get its props.

Read the full review here.



14.) Paranormal Activity (3 spinkicks)

Paranormal Activity is one of the movies bumped from the Top 10. Everytime I would see another awesome movie, PA got knocked down a few steps. But it really did amp up the shot on video/POV horror film just like the Blair Witch Project did.

It's those night vision, sleep moments that are creepy and scary as hell. Simply said, I wrote:

Paranormal Activity is a very creepy and scary movie that follows the shaky cam/found footage formula to a tee. It doesn't live up to the hype, but it does get very close. The movie relies on ingrained fear of the unknown and tosses some sound effects, shadow and bizarre creepiness and an ending that people won't forget.

Read the full review here.

13.) The Children (3 spinkicks)

The second best killer kid movie of 2009. The Children is appearing on many lists and deservedly so. The best part is that the virus that has turned them into serial tots is never explained adding more to the mystery.

The adults play like victim fodder for a change and there are plenty of WTF moments.

The theme that plays throughout is the moral dilemma of the act of killing a kid to defend yourself or to save a loved one.

Those who are brave enough to watch The Children, you will never see a playground the same way again.

Read the full review here.


12.) Dead Snow (3 spinkicks)

It's Nazi Zombies!!!!!

I've been waiting for a Nazi zombie film for such a long time and Dead Snow is horror comedy that doesn't shy away from giving awesome LOLs and Kool Aid blood arterial spraying on white snow.

Blood, splatter, self aware Norwegian horror characters and chainsaws.

What more do you need for a good horror comedy?

Read the full review here.




11.) Orphan (3 spinkicks)

Orphan should be part of the Top 10 but I had to make the tough decision of who should be excluded. And Orphan was wedged into the #11 spot. I think this movie is on every top 10 list I've seen so far...but sadly not on mine.

Isabelle Fuhrma's performance is one of the best of the year, the scenes of Esther carnage are brutally sadistic (for a Hollywood movie) and the "twist" (one I predicted early on) still is one of the most clever explanations used in a horror movie in a long time.

Definitely the best killer kid movie this year and one of the biggest surprises in the box office elephant department.

Read the full review here.

jaded viewer related linkage:

Continue on to the Top 10 Horror Movies of 2009 #1-10........




Tags:
Top 10 horror movies of 2009, best horror movies 2009 , top slasher movies 2009 , 2009 horror movies

Labels: 2009 horror dvd, 2009 horror movies, 2009 horror trailers, top 10 horror movies of 2009

Posted by the jaded viewer at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Carriers

Carriers (2009)

Directed by Alex and David Pastor

It's New Year's Eve! What better way to end 2009 with a post apocalyptic movie, right? So with my last post of 2009, I bring you my review of Carriers.

Carriers is sorta a uber depressing version of Zombieland without the funny and kinetic moving zombies. There are 4 people (2 dudes and 2 dudettes), they have their own "rules" and they are traveling the US of A to get to a happy place. See what I mean? However, in Carriers it's more realistic and there is no search for twinkies. Also, the "infected" don't want to eat your flesh.

Other than that, it's the same formula. But Paramount Vintage ignored this flick giving it a small release this year whereas Zombieland went global. Carriers is a solid flick and for 90 minutes beats down the every man for himself theme down your throat. Survival of the fittest is the motto in this post apocalyptic world. And because they stayed true to this, it makes quite an effective flick.

But you know what I realized after watching this? If there is EVER a zombie epidemic or a national infection that can't be quarantined, the United States of America is NOT the country you want to be in. We turn into dog eat dog killers and only think of ourselves. Does this happen in the Bahamas?


Boring Plot-O-Matic

Four kids are trying to outrun the end of the world – and each other. No one is safe from the viral pandemic threatening to wipe out the human race. The four friends speed across the Southwestern U.S. to reach a place of safety while facing moral decisions no human should ever be forced to face. They discover that their greatest enemy is not the microbe attacking humanity, but the darkness within themselves.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

So Carriers has rules like Zombieland (5 total compared to the 33 in Z) Let's go through them shall we?

1.) Avoid populated areas at all cost.

The virus in Carriers is never explained and that's a good thing. We get thrown into the movie right smack in the middle as they travel the back roads. All we know when we start our journey with these 4 musketeers is that a virus has wiped out most of humanity and they need the essentials to survive: water, food, bleach and especially gas.

Carriers uses the open country setting well and shows us daytime which makes a infection movie even creepier. I've always thought zombie or virus movies should show us more daytime scenes. Makes us feel we're not safe at all.

2.) If you come into contact with other people, assume they have it.

OK let's introduce our characters. James T. Kirk himself, Chris Pine plays Brian who with his brother Danny (Lou Taylor Pucci) his pseudo GF Kate (Emily VanCamp) and Brian's GF Bobby (Piper Perabo) are our road survivors. Brian plays the rogue self appointed leader, Danny the obedient lap dog, Kate plays the damsel and Bobby who hottie with a heart.

The rules comes into play when they meet a father (Christopher Meloni) and his daughter (who has the disease) who need gas but as they follow rule #1, fate brings all of them together. The movie is one long road trip, we hear things about what may or may not be going on and they all end up at an abandoned school searching for a supposed cure.

Carriers is one depressing rest stop after another. The film gives some glimmer of hope, then coughs up and kills it without any remorse. It's this sort of without mercy storytelling that has an abandon all hope attitude.

Also, we get more in depthiness with our characters. The relationship between Brian and Danny is meshed with hostility and love and we get to hear some backstory of their lives before the virus. It's clearly a way to get us to care for these people and even at times dislike them. In many of these type of movies, the flick doesn't have time to let us know anything about our heroes. Instead, it's "Be chased! Run! Shoot in head!". Carriers allows us to get to know these people and all of them are a tad cool once you get to know them.

3.) The virus can survive on surfaces for up to 24 hours.

This rule should be combine with #4. So see the #4.

4.) Never touch anything that's not disinfected (or disinfect anything they've touched in the last 24 hours)

So obviously one of them gets infected. It's these moments that are as deeply human as they are real. I remember seeing the lines for the H1N1 vaccines and if you think about it, if there was a shortage, people would just be selfish and probably horde the vaccines. Would you do the same? It's easy to not care for a stranger but could you leave your husband, your wife, your kids just to save yourself?

It's always the same question these virus/zombie movies put to the test. As much as you'd like to think you'd take the high ground and be all Pope-ishly moral, I highly doubt we'd actually be civilized in an uncivilized world.

Carriers tries to answer this with hard truths.

5.) Take what you need and never look back (or the sick are already dead, they can't be saved)

After a confrontation with another survivor group at a country club, our scooby gang see the other end of the spectrum when they are questioned and all their supplies are taken. The ending is completely bleak and is the same tone throughout. No happy endings here, no reenacting Ghostbusters will Bill Murray.

Carriers is as depressing as you can get for a post apocalyptic movie (though I hear The Road is more so). Sure, I can dig a downer ending but I'd hope we'd have some hope of goodness inside all of us. Maybe I'm pessimestic about the human race (shit, it could be because I'm American) but I always thought the idea of an end of the world movie is to show how bad it can get and we can lose all our beliefs, but we can stick to at least one. I am a glass half full sorta guy. I think there are some of us that give a shit about each other.

Am I being naive? Maybe so, but that's why Carriers won't make my Top 20 list. I wanted to think we could be better than we are. It's that damn Star Trek vision of the future I guess.

Overall, Carriers is an effective film of post apocalyptic survival, characters you care about and a live and let die philosophy of who we are.

Wow, I'm totally depressed now. Maybe I'll move to the Bahamas.

Gore-ipedia

Infected ickyness
Virus trauma

Nude-ipedia

Oh I would have paid $5 to see Piper Perabo naked...but she isn't

WTF moment

Brian goes postal on some Christians

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Happy New Year's Eve! Trust me, this is not the flick you want to see going into 2010. But I can see why this was put on many Top 10 lists for 2009. It's a gritty, realistic and depressing look into the infection doomsday genre and doesn't care to give you any happy ending. See this, then see Zombieland. Its total ying and yang.

Carriers comes out on DVD on December 29th. Head over to the official site for more goodies.

Rating:

1/2

Check out the trailer below.

Labels: 2009 horror dvd, 2009 horror movies, 2009 horror trailers, carriers, ebola virus, infected, post apocalyptic, zombieland

Posted by the jaded viewer at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Deadgirl

Deadgirl (2009)

Directed by Marcel Sarmiento and Gadi Harel

"Wanna see a dead body?"

Deadgirl is like a depraved, warped up horror version of Stand by Me. Think an indie film with a horror element Romero-ed into it. Such is the beauty and the chill sicko-ness of Deadgirl, definitely one of the top 10 horror movies of 2009.

I've seen films where as I'm watching I feel really ashamed to be seeing this. Deadgirl so disturbing yet highly provocative that at the end you feel dirty, kinda ugh and your definitely not Jersey Shore fist pumping in the air. But when a movie like this comes along, you have to give it a standing O. It puts on screen images that challenge your morality, question your ethics, think of things a little differently and amp up your Klingon vengeance served cold. So many emotions are rushed into you in an hour 40 min, that even though they're not happy thoughts, it leaves an impact even the most logical Vulcan would feel. (yay! 2 Star Trek references in 2 straight sentences!)

Deadgirl is what a horror movie that runs fuel of all that is wrong, but somehow you want to see this Elephant Man car all the way to the end. That's the nature of seeing something so raw, so real and so disturbingly human.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Two high school boys discover an imprisoned woman in an abandoned mental asylum who cannot die.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Rickie (Shiloh Fernandez) and JT (Noah Segan) are stoner high school friends, our stereotypical high school burnouts who discover in a abandoned mental hospital a decaying woman who is unbelievably alive. Their discovery and what they should do is shocking but also establishes who these kids are. Rickie is our anti-hero, whose ethically challenged and JT who basically wants to play with their new sex toy and has no qualms about doing some fucked up shit.

In the middle of all this, Rickie has a uber crush on JoAnn, who is the GF of jock douchebag Johnny. After JT brings their other friend Wheeler into the mix, the wheels start turning as we see JT and Wheeler violate the decomposing corpse and Rickie struggling with what do. The film focuses on Rickie, his family life, his obsessive stalker persona of JoAnn and keeping this fuckin huge secret...well a secret. Later, others "discover" what's going on, pay for their horniness and leads to a JT vs Rickie vs Deadgirl showdown. The core will have figured out the ending but the jabronis (the few who attempted to watch this) will be screaming bloody murder.

Got all that?
To review this movie you really have to strip the horror part of the zombie girl out of the mix. Because when you do, all your left with is a movie about men's perception of women, a teenage angst high school flick and the control of your destiny. Sure, we got zombies, some gore and splatter but Sarmiento and Harel could have easily made an ALIVE girl and not a Deadgirl and we would be talking about the same things (and worst, it would have made this movie 1 billion times more disturbing).

The misogyny engrained in Deadgirl is highly graphic. Not glamorized but highly gritty, the dead girl (played by Jenny Spain) is repeatedly raped and tortured. Treated as a piece of meat, the film takes the high ground in terms of torture porn. All the men who partake don't do it because they are evil (I mean they are...to do this, you gotta be fucked up) but because it's controlled and predictable. The opportunity is 100% guaranteed and in this adolescent world, it is - the peer pressure that overtakes all logic.

This segways into the teenage high school angst aspect. JT, Rickie and Wheeler get the crap beaten out of them by the jockiest jocks. With no control in the outside world, they are crawl into the basement of the mental asylum where they are in control. Deadgirl plays into the high school dynamic perfectly. In one way, Rickie goes back and forth between the two. His love for JoAnn in the real world is unpredictable and painful as opposed to this deadgirl world. But Deadgirl doesn't deliver us a John Hughes Bender/Claire happy ending. It's too smart to know we won't buy it. Instead, the reality of the 2 worlds clashes and in the end you get one that's blended like a bizarro world.

And that's why JT and Wheeler embrace the dead girl world. In a most WTF moment,JT puts lipstick and a glamor mag on the dead girl to make her "attractive". They have accepted that they'll be pumping gas or live a life destined to servicing the above classes. JT utters this to Rickie towards the end of the movie.

"Think about it, we're just can fodder for the rest of the world. Down here we're in control. We call the shots down here....you don't have to be the nice guy"

Three distinct issues are blended into a movie and throw in a zombie girl (fun fact! the term zombie is never uttered by any of the characters) and it all equals a horror movie that you want to recommend but are ashamed to admit you watched. What the Deadgirl represents is multiple ideas. Our objectification of women, our longing to be better than who we are and our motivation to control our lives and the moments in them because we thing it's the easiest route to happiness.

Filled with the most disturbing and fucked up scenes of human depravity and even some moments of ha ha's, Deadgirl has vaulted up on my list of the best horror movies of 2009. The performances from the no-name cast are solid as is the story from Trent Haaga and the direction from Sarmiento and Harel. The disturbing images and some scenes of drag and even a few hiccuping weirdness knock out a half from my rating. When I tell you a movie makes an impact, don't take that shit likely.

That's my way of telling you to see this film with a bag over my head.

Gore-ipedia

Oozing oozes
Corpse rotting
Face and lip trauma
Corpse yuckiness
Deadgirl ickyness

Nude-ipedia

Is corpse nudity considered nudity?

WTF moment

Zombie BJ
One hell of a shit
Big momma kicks the crap out JT and Wheeler

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

This is another movie I've watched towards the end of the year so I can come up with a clear list of my top 10 horror movies of 2009. I do this every year and every freakin year something gets bumped that I originally had on there.

The fact that Deadgirl is going to bump something off the list, says frakin volumes.

It's out on DVD, probably through Amazon and Netflix or wherever you get your movies these days.

Rating:

1/2

Check out the trailer below.

Labels: 2009 horror dvd, 2009 horror movies, 2009 horror trailers, american horror, deadgirl, indepentent horror, indie horror, zombies, zombies pov

Posted by the jaded viewer at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Grace

Grace (2009)

Directed by Paul Solet

So is this what Blade's mother went through?

I've been watching the supposed "best" horror movies of 2009 so I can make a solid list of the years best. Grace has been put on many of these lists and I went in thinking this was a shoe in to be on there.

Well horror minions, its not going to be.

It's a very well made flick, the aura of the mommy and daughter bond is nurturingly depraved but all in all, I just didn't feel it pushed it into the stratosphere of OMG awesomeness!

For me Grace is an exercise of stretching a short (see the short via Freddy in Space) into a full length film and actually making it worse. It should have played out a little more surreal. Some have actually said its a stretch to call Grace a horror movie. That its much more. I disagree. It's pure horror. I mean its about a baby that craves blood! What's more horrorific than that?

That's not to say the movie doesn't have it creepy moments. It's a mixed bag of roasted peanut goodness plus some terrible tasting cashews in there. So as much as I wanted to love Grace, I just couldn't. And so we're going into a trimester breakdown of the film. Yup, I'm using gratuitous cliches.

Boring Plot-O-Matic


Awesome Review-O-Matic

The 1st trimester (aka the first 35 minutes)

Jordan Ladd and Stephen Park are Madeline and Michael Matheson, who have been trying to have a child and finally have one on the way. We meet Madeline's mother in law Vivian (Gabrielle Rose) who we get right away is one of those antagonizing mothers that can drive you crazy. Seems Madeline is a vegan, soy milking PETA endorsing type and she wants to deliver naturally so they go see a midwife Patricia (Samantha Ferris).

The first 35 is all set up to the birth and death of our newborn Grace. After a scare in the hospital, a car accident leaves Michael dead, Madeline alive and the baby...well we don't know what the baby's condition is. Madeline has the pregnancy to term and delivers via Patricia, a stillborn baby....very much dead.

The penultimate scene (taken from the short) is when after giving birth Patricia proclaims "You can't will a...". It's chilling and effective when the baby jumps to life. Very twistedly goosebumpy and you know this can only lead to successive WTF moments. The movie than goes into those moments via slow burn. Most of America has ADD, so with a 5 hour energy drink and a Red Bull I painstakingly paid attention.

So what do we get?

• Grace deteriorating via a bath
• Grace throwing up mommy's breast milk
• And a closing shot from the POV of Grace lookingthrough the fly net with Madeline looking at the accumulating flies (this is one of the best scenes in the film)

The 2nd trimester (the next 30 minutes)

This is where we see mom and daughter bond and were the supposed transcendent portion of this bond. Madeline soon finds out Grace craves blood and she does everything she can to accommodate. The scenes of nurturing seem lacking for me. From sacrificing her vegan ways to a obvious murder, I could see the argument being made for the pro "What would you do for your child?" contingent.

It's a surreal motherhood in action and fascinating to watch but here's my beef. Sure, Grace shows sign of zombieness or vampire hybridy but for being the titular character should have been a little more anti-normal. If we saw Grace decomposing (yeah that does sound horrible I know) that would have made more of an impact on Madeline's actions. In the short, Grace is shown in q more gruesome fashion. I think we really needed that so we can see Madeline's transformation of mom to psycho mom.

You can't tell me the vagueness of whats Grace is didn't bother you. This is a horror movie and some subtle hint would have been nice. Ladd is solid in her performance as we see her succumb the demands of servicing Grace. Mentally and physically we see her deteriorate just like her baby. It's a good parallel and I would have liked to see more of it.

The 3rd trimester (the last 15 minutes)

The conclusion is filled with reveals and discovery by all those involved. I did like the poetic last moments of Madeline being a mom to the very end. But for a film that built up a intensity of this mother-daughter bond, we end on such an odd note and with a tad of black humor. Why the black humor now? This could have easily been inserted throughout the film to relax the audience and the viewer and play on their natural instincts.

For 70 or so minutes, Grace doesn't give us moments to breathe. It's psychologically and disturbing throughout. That's not to say I wanted some ha ha's on such a serious toned movie, but we are dealing with a bloodsucking infant here.

Overall, Grace is stretched out from a short to a feature and you can see some of the stretch marks on what didn't work. The idea is sound, the performances solid and the bits of gore are well done. But at the end of it, Grace's message doesn't resonate intensely on the "What would you do for your child" theme like say The Children or Orphan does (killer kid movies that emanate that theme perfectly).

Grace is definitely unlike any horror film I've ever seen (I do agree on that). But if I were to be the midwife on this movie and help it deliver, my suggestion to Paul Solet would be this.

Push the boundaries and go beyond the beyond. In other words, not just make a feature out of your short but challenge the viewer thematically and visually with something they will never forget.


Gore-ipedia

Fly trauma
Blood gushing
Hammer to the head
Bottle blood drainage

Nude-ipedia

See WTF moment

WTF moment

Old people doing it!! My eyes! My eyes!! I'm blind!!!

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

This is the 2nd time this week I haven't fully liked one of the supposed best horror movies of 2009. I don't get caught in any bandwagon hype and I stick by my thoughts. Like em or hate em, I review a film in a way where the average horror moviegoer gets represented as well as the typically jaded viewer.

Grace is available on BluRay and DVD via Amazon.com.

Rating:
Check out the trailer below.

Labels: 2009 horror dvd, 2009 horror movies, 2009 horror trailers, Adam Green, arieScope pictures, grace, grace review

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Courtesy of Bloody Disgusting comes this little French-Canadian psychological horror mind f*ck of a film. After watching the trailer, it has the feel of Inside and a mix of Funny Games. Something just resonated and impulsed me to put up the trailer.

Here be the plot.

5150 ELM'S WAY is located at the end of a quiet street in a small town. When Yannick fell off his bike, he knocked at the door of the Beaulieu residence so he could clean the blood off his hands. But Jack Beaulieu and his family had other plans for Ian. Beaulieu is a righteous psychopath and fanatic chess player who wants to rid the world of evil. And even though Ian has done nothing wrong, he is beaten, tortured and tormented before Beaulieu makes him an offer: win at chess and he is free to go. And so Ian is now a pawn in Beaulieu 's game. A game in which he will either lose his mind or his life.

Check out the trailer below.

Labels: 2009 horror trailers, 5150 elm's way, 5150 elms way trailer, canadian horror, french horror

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Drag Me To Hell

Drag Me To Hell (2009)

Directed by Sam Raimi

There was some ying but no yang.

That's the best way to describe my feelings towards Drag Me To Hell. I too was excited by Raimi's returning to his horror roots. So going in and finally watching this, I was a little hyped. But as I watched the movie I noticed something that bothered me.

I couldn't watch the movie without flashbacking to what I liked about Raimi's other flicks. Evil Dead series, Darkman even Spiderman.

And then it hit me. Drag Me To Hell was making me remember everything I love about Raimi's work except one thing.

It didn't have a hero (or in this case a heroine).

And this is why I'm going to give it the rating I give it. And I'll explain why.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A loan officer ordered to evict an old woman from her home finds herself the recipient of a supernatural curse, which turns her life into a living hell. Desperate, she turns to a seer to try and save her soul, while evil forces work to push her to a breaking point.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

The critics can't be wrong right? 92% fresh on Rotten Tomatoes, the film is on numerous top 10 lists and praised by numerous mainstream horror sites and the blogosphere. OK here is where I become a salmon and swim against the current. I'll tell you what I liked, what I didn't like and just because I know everybody saw this, I'm not going to rehash plot and shit. I will try to just summarize my thoughts with Evil Dead quotes...hopefully you won't throw feces at me after reading this review.

"I know now that my wife has become host to a Kandarian demon. I fear that the only way to stop those possessed by the spirits of the book is through the act of... bodily dismemberment."

-Voice on the recorder

OK lets go through the awesome shit of Drag Me To Hell. The Lamia demon is pure mega-rific Universal monsters fun. All the great Raimi's angles and closeups and wicked camera movements are in full effect. Raimi going back to solid basics is always good stuff. Adding to the effect are all the awesome shock scare moments. Pure, vintage Raimi.

Rattling pans, curtains fluttering, shadowy glimpses, window breaking and the best jump scares are all back in action. From gushing bloody noses and mouths to gypsy lady in a closet and anvil droppings. All good shit. Eye popping action, flies on our lens, talking goats. Yay. I also really never get tired of regurgitation in my horror comedies. The entire sequence as Christine fights off Grandma Ganush in the car is brilliantly yummy. No complaints. Keep the poop in check for now.

Henrietta: I'll swallow your soul! I'll swallow your soul! I'll swallow your soul!
Ash: [Aims shotgun at Henrietta's face] Swallow this.

Alison Lohman as Christine does a decent job screaming and just has that Pam Beasly look to her. Act tough! Act scared! Act concerned! Act loan officer-ish! Justin Long is OK as the everyday guy who is clueless but Dileep Rao as Rham Jas gives us a good ole seance guy and makes us believe the demonology.

"Then let's head on down into that cellar and carve ourselves a witch." -Ash

OK. Here is why I think the movie lacks. The problem lies with Christine. She never goes into hero mode. Not even an anti-hero mode. I'm not looking for her to be Ash or Spidey or Darkman but I need her to believe that the forces of evil are real. Each of Raimi's other heroes BELIEVE in the impossible, the supernatural and the tech. And then they kick the shit out of it.

With all the devlish demons of hell tormenting Christine, she still seemed surprised by it all. Oh yes, she believes eventually but towards the end Rham Jas asks her to repeat the line: "I welcome the dead to my soul" and then Jas tells her "You must believe it! It's like Christine was playing the "this is still not real" perception even after everything that happened to her.

My main point is this. Christine continues to play the victim until the very end (and we know what happens at the end). It's debatable to speculate if she deserved what happened to her but I needed her to fight back. Be the heroine, femme up and be a pseudo vintage final girl. Instead, she pays 10gs and hires backup.

But Raimi is also at fault. He built up a high octane demon vs medium seance then unleashes a deux ex machina on us which of course is to give the button to somebody else, thus passing the curse. This is what he ends the movie with which is like a roller coaster going to its highest point then dipping down at 200 mph. I mean who didn't see the envelope switch. It was rather obvious. But that's not the point.

The point I'm trying to make is were suppose to have good vs evil. It's what makes a good horror movie. Yes you can make the hero grey or muddled, possibly even non likeable but there is suppose to be a give and take. A ying and a yang. Demon attacks, hero fights back. Hero fights back, demon attacks. Ultimately good triumphs over evil (though I do love when evil wins too).

The fact Christine suffers and gets attacked and only waits until the end to metaphorically load up her chainsaw with some mediums do we get any fight from her. As a character, Lohman plays her as sympathetic but fuck it, she's not. She screwed the old lady and deserves the shit that's coming to her. She probably is the cause of the entire United States economy going into a depression. Damn banks and loans lenders can go straight to hell as far as I'm concerned (pun so well intended)

Drag Me To Hell is vintage Raimi but it shows off his rust as he comes back into the horror genre (OMG! You guys just threw poop at me didn't you?) I did love some of the moments but as I said I think we encountered a few hiccups along the way. If you step back and think about the film, you'll see what I mean. Throughout the entire movie I wanted Sylvia Ganush and the Lamia demon to drag that money grubbing bank employee to hell.

I gave her a chance of survival of about 10%. Why?It's not like she's a hero or anything.

Gore-ipedia

Vomitous Gratuitous
Ocular trauma
Stapler trauma
Feline trauma
You know the rest

Nude-ipedia

Nada

WTF moment

Ganush can kick ass

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

So I'm giving Drag Me To Hell 2 spinkicks. And no, its probably not making my Top 10 list of 2009. This is what I thought and you can brand me a Raimi traitor if you wish. I just didn't think the movie was spectacular as everyone else did.

OK, let me know what you think. I can take it. But please, no more poop. Don't you have tomatoes?

Rating:
Check out the trailer below.



DRAG ME TO HELL: Movie Trailer - Watch the best video clips here

Labels: 2009 horror dvd, 2009 horror movies, 2009 horror trailers, ash, drag me to hell, evil dead, sam raimi

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Orphan

Orphan (2009)

Directed Jaume Collet-Serra

"If I find out that you're lying, I'll cut your hairless little prick off before you even figure out what it's for. Do you understand me?"

-Esther

They don't call me the jaded viewer for nothing.

I am totally being honest here. I called the twist in the Orphan once they introduced her character which was 30 or so minutes in (once I saw her paintings). I've seen alot of these type of movies and I'm good at picking up on the hints and clues. I knew going in there was a big reveal at the end. So through a level of Sherlock Holmes-ing, I kinda figured it out.

But that doesn't take away how good the movie is. Oh its not the twist or the scares or the suspense or tension of the movie which were all candy cane sweet, but its Isabelle Fuhrman's performance which is by far one of the best performances by a kid I've seen in a horror movie in quite a long time.

Kids in Hollywood movies always play...well kids. But in Orphan, Fuhrman plays a well mannered fashionista with a twisted mentality and WITH a Russian accent. And she pulls it off effortlessly. How does a little American kid actor pull this off? I'm speechless. Seriously, her performance is Oscar worthy. Truly remarkable.

I've been tardy when it comes to seeing mainstream American horror because I've just given up hope on the Hollywood system taking chances on creative scripts, pushing the boundaries and making Rated R flicks. So yeah, it took me this long to watch this. But now that I have maybe there is still hope. Maybe.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A husband and wife who recently lost their baby adopt a 9-year-old girl who is not nearly as innocent as she claims to be.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

The opening scene of a bloody baby should have been a clue this was no ordinary kids horror movie. Like the Sixth Sense, clues are all over the place for you to figure out the twist (the professional paintings, piano playing, her speech and dress). But if your a jabroni, you might be oblivious from these things. But instead of rehashing the story which is summed up above let's just go over the hit points on what was good and what was bad on a scale of 1 to 10.

+10

Like I said before, Isabelle Fuhrman's performance is top notch, high level stuff. So convincing in her acting I am still clapping. The 9 year old Esther is given so much life by Fuhrman you begin to think she isn't even acting. She speaks with a tad of a Russian accent making it so believable. And to top it all off, everybody knows sign language! Fuhrman goes from lovable, gothy kid to master manipulater and deceiver and her performance during the course of the 2 hours is outstanding. She turns good, then bad, then good in so many scenes and always pseudo winking to the audience. We know she's bad and we can't do anything about it. So perfect.

+5

The performances of Vera Farmiga as Kate, our mommy are good as well as Peter Saarsgard as John the oblivious father. Max (Aryana Engineer) is quite a cutie pie as a deaf sister and brother Daniel (Jimmy Bennett) are solid as well as they play the "we know Esther's evil but we can't do anything about it" fodder.

+8

The level of evilness displayed by Esther grows throughout the movie. From a pigeon, to a playground "accident", each built up some level of WTF as we went along. As Esther covers up her deadly deeds, the rest of the movie is the adults trying to figure out what's the what. Once Esther takes her vengeance to adultland, all hell breaks loose. Each kill scene becomes so vicious, it was a no holds barred hardcore-ness I haven't seen in a Hollywood production in quite a long time. Hammers, knives, arson and a quick game of Russian roulette take this to a new level of awesomeness.

I really couldn't believe I was seeing this on screen. No cutaway scenes. They showed it all. Kudos to Jaume Collet-Serra for showing us everything full frontal.

+6

So what's wrong with Esther? Well then there's the reveal. Even though I called a variation of it, I kinda knew what the what was. It really is a twist I've never seen before in movie. The explanation is perfect for a movie like this and it works. Some may find it dumb or kinda stupid but its based on something. And if you can give me a reveal that doesn't make me slap my forehead in disgust and go WTF?!?! then you've kinda accomplished your job. Let's say her transformation was handled very slick and cleverly. That ending gave me the wiggins.

-3

My gripes for the movie are just how perfect each of the character's problems or circumstances were set up. Mommy was an alcoholic, daddy pulled a Tiger Woods. It was easy for Esther to manipulate and set them up. Max being deaf was the most blatant of all as she was handicapped to do anything about Esther's evil. Also, logic problems erupt in the form of the orphanage records and the institute. Seemed a little off.

I sometimes hate movies where only one person knows the truth and all others think he/she is crazy even though all the evidence points to the contrary. For once I'd like to have seen Fox Mulder go to Scully "See there are UFOs! Just Believe!" It's right in front of you.

But that's how the characters and these type of movies work and you just have to deal.

All in all, Orphan plays its genre to a tee. Like The Children or The Omen, it follows the conventions and pits our hero (or heroine) against our killer kid. The beauty of these killer kid movies is the taboo of hurting a child. This is what I wrote for The Children review.

"The overall moral theme that gets grappled is one that encompasses all these killer kid films. Would you be able to kill a kid or *gasp* your own child to save your own or another child’s life? Many of the characters struggle with this and the paternal and maternal instinct are so ingrained, their logic becomes illogical and more emotion. Many might not be able to view such a film where kids wink with such evilness, especially parents."

The Orphan plays this theme out perfectly and is definitely one of the best horror movies of 2009.

Gore-ipedia

Smashed pigeon
Broken ankle
Multiple stabbings
Hammer to the cerebreal
Various splatter and gore

Nude-ipedia

Nada

WTF moment

The reveal of course

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

This will get a solid 3 spinkicks and will be in high consideration as one of my 10 Best Horror Movies of 2009. When you look back on 2009 in horror, Orphan will be on many top 10 lists for sure. And now you know why. Definitely see this flick or get a hammer in the head.

Rating:
Check out the trailer below.

Labels: 2009 horror dvd, 2009 horror movies, 2009 horror trailers, orphan

Posted by the jaded viewer at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post