Monday, October 26, 2009

NYC Haunted House: Blood Manor (Review)


[First a disclaimer: I'd like to thank Claire and Joan from Blood Manor's PR staff for the opportunity to visit. Insano Steve and I had a great time and got totally spooked and thrilled by all the actors and awesome designs of each room. Thanks! Also, I have some pics of the crowd and the exterior. None of the interior. With a week to go before Halloween, you'll have to experience it for yourself!]

On a rainy Friday night, I invited Insano Steve to go with me to Blood Manor, New York's premier haunted house. I had already went to Nightmare: Vampires, so a visit to the more high budgeted, very popular and uber famous Blood Manor would complete my pre-Halloween frightfest.

The Friday night crowd was massive. A line had formed prior to the 7:30pm opening and you could tell people were revved up to get their scare on. Tweens, teenagers, Joe and Joanna Moviegoer, tourists, jabronis and horror geeks and core-ists all huddled together for a night of chills and thrills.

Located on 27th St between 10th and 11th Avenue, it was a walk to get to, but well worth it. Oddly enough it's located across the street from the infamous Scores strip club (how ironic that horror and boobies go together).

Blood Manor is the Michael Bay of NY Haunted Houses. It's got high production values, extraordinary sets, rooms that dazzle the eye and horror professionals who know how to get under your skin. To top it all off, they've added a 3D fright vision. Blood Manor is the equivalent of a summer blockbuster movie filled with twists and turns, jump scares and film homages to all that is great about horror.

It doesn't lack in imagination. Any nightmare you may have dreamed of is alive at Blood Manor. From your favorite slasher to dysfunctional serial killer families, you'll see them living and breathing and talking right next to you. Walking though Blood Manor is taking a journey into your worst fears come to life. But if the psychological isn't enough the inner gorehound in you will be given a happy. Severed heads, decapitated arms, stomach churning blood soaked rooms are all on display. It's like the best of both worlds.

The inital entrance gets you spooked right off. Joining a group of 4 others (6 people enter at a time) Steve and I entered complete darkness. It really is disconcerting to be in complete darkness actually knowing somebody who is paid to scare you WILL scare you.

The whole experience can take as long as 20 minutes but going nice and slow and pacing yourself pays off in the end. 30-40 minutes should be your average time to get the whole experience. In the first few rooms, Steve quickly disappeared from sight. I quickly called out to him, slightly concerned he'd fallen into hell or was being tortured by some chainsaw wielding psycho.

"Steve! You there?!?" Where the hell are you?", I screamed.
"You lost? How the hell can you get lost in the first room?", I asked.

Still in a room of utter darkness, I was greeted by some rather insidious cackling and a voice whispering in my ear, "Where's Steve?" The voice sarcastically repeated my question over and over again.

"Steve's not here, he's probably dead." added another voice.

I gotta admit, that was a hell of an interactive experience. Knowing Steve, he'd probably taken a wrong turn and got lost. He was probably either fascinated by some cannibal carnage or in the seventh level of hell. (Steve will post his own review, so he can tell you his experience in his own words).

Later, Steve found his way back on the interstate and we continued the journey. Our party soon disappeared being scared shitless and running out of the rooms like they had witnessed a murder. Steve and I however, admired each room to its fullest using the slow burn approach.

The greatest part of Blood Manor is the anticipation of entering each room. Before you enter, you gulp some air and put on your brave face. But it really doesn't help, because the rooms are designed to get you mesmerized and excited. Your admiring a toilet with a decapitated head and looking at a burnt up Chucky doll. It's mega cool. So in this daze of awe, you get caught with your proverbial pants down when some costumed grotesque comes out of nowhere and scares you.

It works every time and in every room. It's a tried and true formula.

Some of the rooms that caught my eye were just spectacular. A zombie strippers roomer was appropriately stimulating. A pig slaughterhouse with pigs hanging on meathooks provided a fun chaotic runaround. A few poor souls were in a torture chamber well being tortured. Another room menaces you with snake fear. In one room, a rather ghoulish she-devil, informed me of her devious plan asking what I should do with the severed head she was a carrying.

I responded, "Toss it, it looks like Lindsay Lohan."

Another room was a sickly recreation of Texas Chainsaw Massacre's infamous dinner table scene that was quite clever. The one thing Blood Manor isn't short of is using the chainsaw to get you cut up with scares.

Kudos to the actors who play ninja all day to get you frightened. I make myself an active participant in these places. I like to talk to the actors and exchange some quick banter, either by trying to be all quirky and funny (making them get out of character) or by replying to their hilarious demands just to see what they would do next. You should do the same. If one escaped asylum patient asks "Where's my medicine?" Respond by pointing to an oblivious stranger in your party. It really works and it's funny to scare the shit out of someone. With the actors are animatronics interspered throughout each room. You never know if a prop may be an actor, a animatronic machine or just a simple prop.

As we approached the tail end of the house, we were given 3D glasses and were greeted by the most terrifying creature of all.

A freakin clown.

I know clowns are not all people's kryptonite, but they do make me feel a little weirded out. The 3D is quite ingenious as everything around you becomes amplified including the actors. It works effectively as your eye is so dazzled by the neon and bright colored lights, you don't see the evil lurking around the corner.

One of the most eclectic people you'll meet during this time is what I have dubbed the "Happy Killer", a very cute but serial killer Alice in Wonderland girl. It made me chuckle to hear her recite her lines. Think Harley Quinn come to life.

Strobe lights will come into play later and chainsaw sickos are quickly on your tail. And thus your journey ends.

Blood Manor is so jampacked with horror goodies, it's like a carnival of wickedness. You really feel like they've made every effort to get you scared and the level of detail in every room is quite magnificent. The team at Blood Manor is very aware of horror culture, referencing all your favorite slasher icons and adding a few of their own. Simply, it's the perfect dessert after eating a bucket full of candy goodness.

I believe the only drawback will be the crowds and the massive line you'll have to endure to get to this live action freak show. But if you do brave the weather and the rooms, there is no other haunted house like Blood Manor. It really lives up to the hype its received and shows why its one of the best haunted houses in the nation.

So if you are brave enough to head over to Blood Manor, put on your courage suit of armor and get some knights and damsels to come with you. Just remember, if you get lost you'll be all alone. Well, you're not really going to be alone. You'll have zombies, psychos, maniacs, demons, ghouls and all the freaks to keep you company. Good luck.

jaded viewer related linkage:

Insano Steve vs Blood Manor (Review)


Blood Manor is open now and will be open all Halloween week (excluding Monday). Check out the schedule at the official site. This week, the hours run to 1am and on Fridays and Saturday run up to 2am.

It's located at 542 West 27th Street (btwn 10th & 11th Ave).

Tickets at the door are $30. Online for $25 and there are special "RIP" passes at $40.

Here are some links for more information.


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Wednesday, August 26, 2009

The 5 Types of Moviegoers who Watch Horror Movies

After going to watch a movie theater this past weekend, I wanted to talk about what's it like to go see a movie. Be it if you're in a small town or big city, I believe we all have at one point gone though the same experience. These are just things that happen to all of us, and it just fucks shit up.

First, I'll start off with a list of people who annoy the fuck out of me when I got to a movie in a theater. These are the people who need to be boiled with oil.

1.) The dude who doesn't know how to use the automated ticket vendy machine
2.) The people who talk about the movie they've just seen as they come out of the theater somehow ruining it for the people on line for the same movie
3.) The dude who orders the fuckin big ass tub of lard popcorn
4.) The schmucks who look aimlessly for a seat for 4, 5 minutes before the movie starts in the packed auditorium of a movie that premieres that night
5.) The girl who starts a phone conversation during the first 10 minutes
6.) The guy who Twitters during the movie
7.) The "I'm saving this entire row of seats" with my backpack guy
8.) The people who sit in the middle row and get up every 20 minutes
9.) The guy who sits next to you, interrupts your conversation and spills his fuckin movie trivia knowledge
10.) The "Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" people

There are so many more, I may need to make a separate list. In any case, the meat and potatoes of this post is the 5 types of moviegoers who see horror movies. Well, I started noticing what the typical horror audience is made up of. The list below are all the types you'll encounter when you see your next horror movie (be on the lookout for these people when you see the 3D megapocalypse The Final Destination).

So without further interruption...here be the list


5.) The Joe and Joanna


Who are they? These are your typical, regular Joe and Joanna Schmo moviegoer. Probably on their standard issue Friday night date, they have no idea what movie they are going to see when they arrive at the theater. These are the people on line waiting for popcorn and are constantly looking around for people they know. They will probably eat at TGIF or Chilis after the movie and 5 minutes after watching the movie will not remember how it ended.

4.) The Tweens

Who are they? Yes, the tweens. This is the main target group for Hollywood and why the PG-13 horror movie exists. Generation Y, as they are also known as, pretty much decide what's a successful horror movie and what will go straight to DVD in a few weeks. The reason why they have so much power? Because they can Facebook and Twitter their positive or negative reaction in a nano-second. They come in droves, possibly 3-6 tweeny girls and usually 2-4 tweeny boys using their weekly allowance to shift the box office as they please. You can notice them as they usually arrive 3 hours before their movie starts (they usually hang out by the arcade machines). The boys love awesome kills and gratuitous nudity, the girls thought they were seeing Twilight with gore.

3.) The Jabronis

Who are they? The jabronis are the largest group of movie goers. They will see utter shit and like it. These are the people who are the mindless zombies (see above), sneak into every comedy, action movie and they avoid drama's and intellectual films like they have SARS. They usually sit in the back back back row of the theater, speak and laugh loudly and have to be "Shhhhh"-ed.
They are solely responsible for the box office numbers being completely out of control. Not internet saavy at all, they are coerced into seeing movies only through the posters on buses and subways and because of those 30 secon spots on MTV and BET. Some are partially illiterate.

2.) The Geeks

Who are they? Internet fandom at its finest. They've watched all the trailers, know who the directors, writers and CGI people are and are dedicated to their studios ("I love Rogue!). They've seen every Romero movie and find nothing wrong with Diary of the Dead. The geeks are solely responsible for making Cloverfield a hit. They come to the theater 30 minutes before the movie starts and wait patiently on line. They are so hyped, they pop a few Ritalins to calm the fuck down. They steal the Real D glasses hoping to use it for their next 3D extravaganza. They've plastered posters and have extensive DVD collections. These are the people who comment on every major horror site (including mine..thanks!)


1.) The Core


Who are they? Well the core is short for the "hardcore" fans. Simply said, they are like me. People so dedicated to horror, they run their own horror blogs. These people know their shit, inside and out. They comment all over the horror-sphere and make fun of people who don't follow horror. They are the purists, the "why are they fuckin raping my horror childhood"? peeps. These are the people who arrive an hour before the movie starts, checking out Bloody Disgusting while waiting on line. They've attended all the major horror conventions, some have made fan trailers and have done extensive homework on the horror movie they are about to watch. These are the movie fans who can know who the killer is 10 minutes in, point out obscure references and laugh at the "inside jokes" the director decided to make. They secretly control what may be remade because Hollywood sees what movies we've created cult followings for and exploits the shit out of it. The core-ists have attended Comic Con and have subscriptions to Fangoria. The core knows all about the obscure, indie horror movies and tries to convince the geeks to watch them. People come to the core for information and really do want to know what they think. We're the core. Nuff said.

So next time you're at the theater watching a horror movie, try to see who is in which group and report back what you see. Am I dead on with these types? I am completely way off? Let me know.

Trust me, you'll be shocked by how much I'm right.

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Monday, February 02, 2009

My Bloody Valentine 3D (Review)

My Bloody Valentine 3D

My Bloody Valentine 3D (2009)

Directed by Patrick Lussier

[this review is brought to you by Insano Steve who threw his 3D glasses at the screen at the end of the movie]

So, last week I saw "My Bloody Valentine" (in amazing 3D!). The thing is, I should know better, and I really do know better.

But I just can't help it. I'm hype's bitch.

The deal was the jaded viewer and I would go see either "Notorious" or this shit, whichever one got better reviews. Surprisingy, Valentine won 58% to 53%.

This movie was selling out theatres, which is quite rare for horror. However, that is actually a bad sign. Any horror movie that can cross over and appeal to mainstream viewers is likely gonna be cheezy and dumb, with all those WB-type actors. But hey man, .... this shit's in 3D!

Boring Plot-O-Matic

"Plot": 10 years ago, the usual ignorant teens are getting drunk in a mine, when some psycho miner kills a bunch of them and leaves the rest scarred for life. The cops kill psycho, but the town's kinda small and shitty so they never got over it.

One of the surviving teens, Tom, freaks out, and leaves town. The "actor" who plays Tom is just awful. Anyhow, 10 years later (hey, that's present day!), Tom comes back to the shit-town, to try to hook up with his old girlfriend, who's now married to the douchebag sheriff.

But alas, as soon as Tom returns, people start getting killed again, miner-style.

Did the psycho rise from the dead? Could the killer be Tom or the douche sheriff? Maybe the black deputy is the killer? Has the killer EVER been a black guy? Is Tom the worst fucking actor I've ever seen? Will we get to see tits in 3D?

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Let's take a look at the only three (3D!) things to know about this movie:

1.) T&A (aka Nud-ipedia)

First off, in a slasher movie like this, no amount of T&A is 'gratuitious'. Quite to the contrary, it is in fact essential to the movie's success. Here, we get a mildly attractive blonde who is buck naked her entire time on screen (top and bottom!), which is quite funny when you think of it. Alas, she is the only 3 dimensional breasts we get to see.

The problem I had here was, if you were going to promise the audience 3D tits, you really want them to be a spectacular pair. Instead, we get a B cup. You would think they could find something better bouncing around Hollywood. Besides that, nobody else got naked.

The douchebag sheriff's mistress, Megan, is pretty hot but she is unfortunately clothed throughout. The survivor girl, Jaime King (who is famous though I'm not sure why), is 30 years old, and she looks it. And as we all know by now, the survivor girl is never hot, and she never gets naked. Though I get the feeling she probably could've played the hot slut girl 5-10 years ago.

Thankfully, there are no scenes of man ass in this, which has become a disturbing trend in recent films. What I don't understand is, why it's always gotta be a survivor girl?

Why no survivor dude?

If a slasher stalked another dude, would that make him gay? Are there gay slasher films? Some kinda psycho-social symbolism I'm missing here.

2) Gore (aka Goreipedia)

This flick delivers some decent kills. The psycho miner guy uses his ax/pick thing to fuck up the towns folk pretty good. A little variety in killing tools would've been nice, but I suspect they were trying to franchise this series and the weapon had to be really branded (a sequel is shamelessly hinted at).

There's a bunch of evisceration as you'd expect, a loose eyeball, and your standard decapitations. My favorite death was some guy getting his face ripped off by the jaw. Kudos to the bucket of blood thrown against a wall (so 1980s!). Good balance of quantity and quality in kills, although nothing truly special, considering how high the gore bar's been raised these days.

What's pretty silly is the killer in this movie, appears to be around 6 foot 8, and 260 pounds. He runs about about 4.3 40 yard dash (all off camera, mind you) and is strong enough to cut through solid bone with ease. He's like the Lebron James of slashers.

The movie never really explains why psycho dude always wears a gas mask. Does he have emphysema? Is he horribly disfigured? Mutant?

And, does he live in the mine when he's not killing? What does he eat? He must eat the victims afterward, right? There can't be any food source inside the mine, ....

3) 3D

This is why I wanted to see this. In every other way, this movie is another dime-a-dozen crap horror film. But the 3D really suckered everybody in (me included).

At first, it feels real trippy seeing the 3 dimensions. But it starts to feel really gimmicky quick. For instance, some dude is walking in the foreground and there's shit in the background, and they appear on different planes of your vision. Pretty cool but kinda pointless. You just wait for the kills and see how they utilize the trick.

Also, after a while I got used to the 3D and it loses it's novelty. They had to slow down the action for you to notice the 3D effect too.

By the end, it started giving me a headache. And it's not like the 3D is that amazing. I was kinda expecting the stuff to literally fly out of the screen like in the commercial. I had read that the 3D gore would 'kick my ass', and the 3D nudity was so good, I could "cop a feel". Shit would change my life.

Not quite.

Nope, more like the 3D stuff sorta hovered a foot over the screen, nothing more.

My life remains unchanged.

WTF moment

Some dude in the theatre actually ducked when psycho miner threw his axe. I was like "cmon dude, you gotta be kidding." Guy was very likely on drugs though.

Insano Steve's Final Prognosis

In the end, it just don't add up to much. Some people actually clapped at the end of the movie!

Really? Clapping? For "My Bloody Valentine 3D?" Like they just saw "Shawshank Redemption" or something.

Maybe my expectations were too high for shit like this. It did have some fun moments. But what can I say, I've seen movies suck in 2D. I've seen movies suck in HD. Now I've seen them suck in 3D. And the shit was $14.25. If only "Notorious" was filmed in 3D, hmmm, .....

Rating:

(2 spinkicks that look like 3 spinkicks from a distance)

The Trailer









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Friday, January 23, 2009

3D Eyeballs are FRAKIN cool

Do you remember the scene above? It was in Friday the 13th Part 3: 3D. Jason squeezes some poor schmuck's head and his eyeball goes flying out in 3D gooeyness.

C'mon, you know it. It's the fuckin most memorable scene in Part 3. Besides the harpoon, the flaming iron, the yo yo and the stick.

I believe Part 3 is one of the best of the series. He gets his mask, the kills are all set up to be in gratuitous 3D and we get the "last scare" ending. Good times.

So as a horror automaton, I too will have to venture and watch My Bloody Valentine: 3D.

I keep hearing that the movie sucks but its "fun". Whatever that means.

So I'll let you know how it goes as the hype has hit me likes a bad case of SARS.

A possible review to come (if I feel like it)

I love the vintage 3D trailer with all the 3D kill scenes all blended in. This trailer is eerily similar to the remake one. Weird.


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