the jaded viewer

Friday, May 15, 2009

Top 5 80s Horror Movies Hollywood Might Actually Think Would Be Good Remakes

With all the horror remake hell that's invaded screens of late, who knows what the fuck Hollywood will remake in the near future. Remember, Hollywood DOES NOT come up with new ideas anymore. They are actually like the New York Yankees. They either do the following (or sometimes they do both):

1.) Remake an old, crappy, 80s horror movies (similar to the NYY buying old, has been players and overpaying them)

2.) Remake an independent, foreign or surprise film that has gained a cult following (similar to the NYY scavaging for players in the minor leagues)

It's sad but true. So after libraring thru the 80s horror movies of old, below are the Top 5 I think Hollywood would pick the rights up to and remake because they actually think these would be sellable and profitable movies to the millenials and Gen Y generation.

If I've Nostradumsed any of these, I'd like Hollywood to cut me my check.

On to the list!

Top 5 80s Horror Movies Hollywood Might Actually Think Would Be Good Remakes

5.) Q The Winged Serpent

Why Hollywood would remake this:

Because after the success of Cloverfield, people want to see monsters attacking Manhattan

In Q, NYC is being terrorized by a giant lizard. A photographer is the only one who knows where Q's nest is.

I mean you could do this on a meager budget and shoot it POV style ala Cloverfield.

Millenials love monster movies and if there are teenagers running around being eaten you can bank on Hollywood trying to cash in.

The Trailer

4.) Night of the Creeps

Why Hollywood would remake this:

With the success of creepy crawlie and zombie movies, this combines both.

I mean the tagline reads: The good news is your date is here. The bad news is...he's dead.

This is ripe for Hollywood to exploit.

Teenagers, the prom, a small town, the inept cops and sluggy like creatures turning people into brainwashed zombies. This is a proven formula for success.

Throw in some jokes and you've got American Pie meets Slither.

Hollywood is probably salivating to remake this.

The Trailer

3.) Deadly Friend

Why Hollywood would remake this:

Well they are already remaking Wes Craven's Nightmare on Elm Street. So why wouldn't they just rape his other movies too.

I mean this would have a nerd kid, a hot next door neighbor and a girl who becomes an unstoppable, killer robo-coppy killing machine.

The original starred Kristy Swanson as Samantha, the dead neighbor who comes back to life through microchip technology (Intel inside!)

They could easily turn this into a PG-13 borefest.

This movie had an awesome death scene by way of a basketball which you can check out here.

The Trailer

2.) Chopping Mall

Why Hollywood would remake this:

I don't think Hollywood would remake this. But then again they remade My Bloody FUCKIN Valentine so who the fuck knows anymore.

But if they can remake Dawn of the Dead, why can't they have 8 teenagers in a mall getting slaughtered by killer robot mall security??

I'm sure Hollywood can easily PG-13 this little turd and cast Miley Cyrus and Vanessa Hudgens to be dual final girls.

When Terminator Salvation puts the spark in killer AI and cyborgs, Hollywood will want to get the rights to any films where a machine goes on a murderous frenzy.

The Trailer

1.) Night of the Comet

Why Hollywood would remake this:

Valley Girls+Apocalypse = FUN and Ca Ching!

Take any pseudo reality stars and have them fight a horde of flesh eating zombies will inevitably give Hollyood the appetite to remake Night of the Comet.

It takes place in Los Angeles and it could have a bunch of Valley Girl, Clueless and Buffy-isms so we can all start talking..like...you know...like this...it would be totally...like cool.

And instead of the Native American guy, it could be Tyrese firing a gun.

This has all the elements of remake-hood. Sci fi, horror and comedy. Chances of this happening 3 to 1.
The Trailer

Other films they may infect:

The Howling
The Gate
Near Dark
CHUD
The Wraith

I'm so sick of the pillaging Hollywood has done to my horror movie childhood. I even sometimes get brainwashed and see the damn things. Friday the 13th, Halloween and even My Bloody Valentine.

So it wouldn't surprise me if any of the movies on this list were remade.

Did I miss any others that you think should be on this list? Let me know.

Tags:
Top 5 80s Horror Movies, night of the comet , american horror , night of the creeps, horror remake, hollywood remake, deadly friend, 80s horror,

Labels: 80's horror, chopping mall, deadly friend, hollywood remake, horror remakes, q the winged serpent, Top 5 80s Horror Movies Hollywood Might Actually Think Would Be Good Remakes

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Monday, October 29, 2007

It's Jorg Buttgereit Week! Nekromantik (Review)

Nekromantik
Nekromantik (1987)

Directed by Jorg Buttgereit

**Warning: Some of this film may be seen as grossly offensive and should not be shown to minors!!!**

-from the trailer of "Nekromantik"

"DEATH IS JUST THE BEGINNING"

I remember vividly when my friend and I decided to irrevocably change the way we watch horror movies. As we were super splatter-philes already, we decided to take the plunge into the world of sick and twisted underground horror.

We knew what the movie was about. Sick, perverted necrophilia. But it's reputation was undisputed. It was banned in many countries, even it's own. It's director was German and was being arrested for indecent content for showing it in various German film festivals.

So in the late 90's, after many months of hype among the both of us we went to a seemingly innocent Queens video store and there lay Nekromantik. It's box cover slightly deterioriated. The images in the back of the box very disturbing. The plot summary vague and overhyped. We quickly brought the box to the counter and rented the damn thing. In it's VHS glory (not rewound) it was ready for viewing.

Holy fuckin shit.

Plot summary: (from your IMDB super store)

A street sweeper who cleans up after grisly accidents brings home a full corpse for him and his wife to enjoy sexually, but is dismayed to see that his wife prefers the corpse over him

Yeah. If you can call that a plot. The thing about Nekoromantik is that it's filmed so grainy and staticky (thank's to Jorg's Super 8) you swear you were watching this at one of the old grindhouses in Times Square. And that's why this was the #1 bootlegged film of all time (according to various sources I made up).

The opening scene catapults you into glorious splatter as our man Rob, cleans up after a grisly car accident between some oversexed Germans. He brings the eyes of the corpse home to his wife Betty and we get to enjoy their lovely oh so lovely necrophilia fetish (that's fucking dead bodies). It seems Rob loves collecting body parts (I mean who doesn't?)

Later, some dude who is picking apples (?) is killed and his body is dumped in a lake which leads to Joe's Streetcleaning Agency picking up the corpse. Rob decides that a whole corpse is just what's needed for his entire collection.

The pinnacle scene involves Rob, Betty and Mr. Corpse enjoying the most twisted threeway you've ever seen.

Jorg films this all artsy farsty avante garde Fellini-ish cinema. He intertwines random styilized shots, then shows us some sick perverted corpse fucking. The piano music is all mellow, classical and somewhat mesmerizing. You fall into a trance while watching Betty prop up a a broom handle where the corpse's johnson was and then put a condom on it.

Yeah I know. I can't believe I just wrote that too.

It's as sick as advertised. Later, Rob loses his job and Betty leaves him and takes the corpse with her. Rob's psychosis and depression leads to murder, which leads to rape, which then leads to...well you get the picture.

The final scene finds Rob, totally distraught and looking to fulfill the void left by his wife and his need that is corpse fucking. The climax (pun sooooooo intentionally intended) is outright shocking.

So wtf, see it below.

If you somehow got through that, mucho kudos. Nekromantik is by far Jorg's best movie. He's got themes in it (some critics even say its about the AIDS epidemic), but you really shouldn't be trying to concern yourself with that, I mean seriously.

After viewing it for the first time back then, it did what it intended to do. Shock and Awe. 80 minutes of sick, disturbed imagery and the subject matter nobody dares talk about.

Added listlessly are scenes of a rabbit being skinned (for real!), decapitations, blood soaked baths, wrist cutting and lack of dialogue.

It's to be seen to be believed.

Jorg Buttgereit's Nekromantik is the apex of where all movies about necrophilia splatter flicks are judged (I mean the only other movie in this category is its freakin sequel)

It's so sick and twisted you feel ashamed to have watched it. But never has a movie made me spew out (pun again sooooo totally intended) such vile and happiness. The fact that it warranted a sequel says it all.

The Trailer: