the jaded viewer

Frozen

Frozen (2010)

Directed by Adam Green

I'm not going to lie. I got caught up in the hype for Adam Green's new movie Frozen. I absolutely loved Hatchet, dug Spiral and have enjoyed all the ArieScope shorts (including some awesome Halloween themed shorts). So suffice it to say, I am a big fan of Green and his work.

So my bias had me giving this movie 4 spinkicks even before I saw it. But I realized I needed to review this flick with some sort of objectivity and so as I watched, that 4 spinkicks would be modified as the flick went along.

OK, so with my prejudice out of the way, what did I think of Frozen?

I absolutely loved the premise of what would you do if you were trapped on a ski lift and there was no hope of rescue. I had a few coworkers watch the trailer and we all came up with theories. Some of them would sit and wait for help, others would go all MacGyver and work out a way to get down.

The movie shows some of these theories play out and a few others that seem quite preposterous. Like the movie its ultimately compared to, Open Water (a movie I also thought was average at best) the best part of the movie is not seeing the suffering or the panic on the faces of our would be survivors, it's coming up with ways we think we could survive the same ordeal.

It's a mixed bag of nuts for me. I liked the premise, the escape attempts and *gasp* even the characters. What I didn't like were the other obstacles that nature threw their way that seemed outright ridiculous.

So for this review (as I try to be non spoiler-ish), I've come up with my own rules of how to survive being on a ski lift without the hope of rescue.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Three skiers are stranded on a chairlift and forced to make life-or-death choices that prove more perilous than staying put and freezing to death.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

How to Survive Being Stuck on A Ski Lift

1.) Have your cell phone at all times (and make sure it's got coverage at the ski resort!)

Sure you don't want to break your phone while snowboarding or skiing but it sure would be a good idea when your stuck on a ski lift. Hell, even if it doesn't work you can play MindSweeper while you wait to die.

2.) Have interesting stories to talk about while waiting for that eventual, slow painful death

So if you've been stuck in a winter storm, our main characters are as follows:

• Dan (college X-Gamer who plays Rational Guy)
• Parker (his GF who plays Panic Girl)
• Lynch (Dan's BFF who plays Hero Guy)

The one thing about Frozen is the characters feel real. None of them seem like hipster douchebags who you want to die. I actually felt sympathy and was pulling for all of them to survive (especially Lynch who is the stereotypical stoner but comes out instead as a dude you wanna have a beer with)

Adam Green made Frozen quick and probably in budget but he has pretty much one setting for 80% of the movie. 3 people on a ski lift. So how in the world do you get people to tolerate such a thing for an hour or so?

You really need them to talk about themselves and tell stories that are interesting to the audience. And Lynch does this well (he talks about meeting Dan, awesome cereals, his lost love and celebrities he would do). The others, Parker and Dan are in relationship mode and console each other. But Lynch makes all the difference as he's the Shaun White guy with the funny one liners.

One scene that had me squirming was the eventual death of one of the 3. Two characters only looked at each other as a slaughter occurred. Very good Adam Green stuff on this. Kudos.

3.) Bring various objects that can be MacGyver-ed into a device that can be made into something that can aide in your escape (and also gum)

So our 3 X-gamers don't have ski lift tix but fandangle their way via the ski lift operator for one last run. But circumstances work out perfectly, that this dude and dudes "forget" about them (they are probably gonna be charged with manslaughter at the end of the day)

But in the meantime, our group of 3 are hungry, they are having urination issues and are cold as fuck. Night is approaching and its time to think of ways of escaping these freezer box torture. If they had brought a hanger, a bungee cord, a Phillips head screwdriver and some gum, they could have easily created a device to get them down.

So how does one get down from a ski lift?

Here are some of my outrageous theories (some of them are even plausible!)

• Use one of the ski poles to slide down on the wire where the lifts are attached
• Use your clothing and various snow equipment to make a rope and lower yourself down
• Jump to a nearby tree to break your fall
• Use the cushion your sitting on and jump off with that to break your fall

Of course the movie plays out the worst of the ideas and that's where it shines. Seeing the gruesomeness and consequences of these escape attempts even got me, the jaded viewer, a little squeamish. I winced quite a few times which goes to show you how the movie is effective in this way.

The movie is very realistic in what happens when you try to do the impossible. Nobody here is going to the Winter Olympics and they are all amateurs in survival. I really liked this about Frozen and it doesn't skim on the gore factor. You're gonna get hurt and it's going to hurt like fuckin crazy.

4.) Bring some Chapstick and a portable heater

So the effects of a prolonged cold are going to wreak havoc on the human body. Frostbite is the main adversary in the battle vs the winter. Frozen does do a great job of illustrating the evolution of it on the human body (and for us gorehounds, more so gratuitously).

5.) Bring Samurai Swords, a flamethrower and a high powered assault rifle (to scare any woodland creatures away)

The movie was at a high 3 spinkicks for me until we got some nature vs man moments inserted into the flick.

**!!!!!!SPOILERS!!!!!** (sorry can't help it)

The wolves were a bit overkill on here. I can believe sharks in Open Water but wolves at a ski resort? Sure, that could happen but where are the wolves when the ski resort is opened? I'm no Animal Planet expert but these wolves are like an LA street gang. I mean our crew is only in their territory a short time and the wolves are performing drive by mauls.

This is indeed the WTF moment of the film and for me it's not a very good Big Bad and destroys the realisticness of the movie. The mega cold, blizzard conditions, frostbite and human error are all things that COULD happen but the wolves were overkill in my opinion.

Frozen ends a little differently than I would have wanted it to and for that another spinkick gets knocked down. Sure we've gotten a few survivor stories (many unbelievable from the Haiti earthquake) but more so, it's more probable that there are more sad endings than happy.

All in all Frozen is a slightly above average film that delivers the goods and the reactions of what people would do if the worst case scenario happened to them. I applaud Adam Green for taking a very obvious question and extending it to a movie that has some solid suspense, some shiverish moments and ample amounts of gore.

Frozen is a survival movie where nature attacks from all sides. But its our will to survive that usually ends in our downfall. Go see it and decide what you would do if that were you up on the ski lift is sub zero temperatures. Because what you think might work, doesn't.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Indie Horror has to be supported so if Frozen is playing in your neighborhood, please go see it. Here is the link to the cities it's playing at. Right now, the movie is got people leaning in the middle. Some absolutely love the movie, others thought it was dribble.

I fall on neither extreme side. I loved some parts of it and others I felt were too goofy and unrealistic. But that won't stop me from telling you to see Frozen to see why everybody has such a diverse opinion about it.

Now I'm going to make me some hot chocolate. It's cold outside.

Rating:

1/2

Check out the trailer below.

Labels: 2010 horror movies, Adam Green, arieScope pictures, frozen, hatchet, old school american horror

Posted by the jaded viewer at 11:00 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Grace

Grace (2009)

Directed by Paul Solet

So is this what Blade's mother went through?

I've been watching the supposed "best" horror movies of 2009 so I can make a solid list of the years best. Grace has been put on many of these lists and I went in thinking this was a shoe in to be on there.

Well horror minions, its not going to be.

It's a very well made flick, the aura of the mommy and daughter bond is nurturingly depraved but all in all, I just didn't feel it pushed it into the stratosphere of OMG awesomeness!

For me Grace is an exercise of stretching a short (see the short via Freddy in Space) into a full length film and actually making it worse. It should have played out a little more surreal. Some have actually said its a stretch to call Grace a horror movie. That its much more. I disagree. It's pure horror. I mean its about a baby that craves blood! What's more horrorific than that?

That's not to say the movie doesn't have it creepy moments. It's a mixed bag of roasted peanut goodness plus some terrible tasting cashews in there. So as much as I wanted to love Grace, I just couldn't. And so we're going into a trimester breakdown of the film. Yup, I'm using gratuitous cliches.

Boring Plot-O-Matic


Awesome Review-O-Matic

The 1st trimester (aka the first 35 minutes)

Jordan Ladd and Stephen Park are Madeline and Michael Matheson, who have been trying to have a child and finally have one on the way. We meet Madeline's mother in law Vivian (Gabrielle Rose) who we get right away is one of those antagonizing mothers that can drive you crazy. Seems Madeline is a vegan, soy milking PETA endorsing type and she wants to deliver naturally so they go see a midwife Patricia (Samantha Ferris).

The first 35 is all set up to the birth and death of our newborn Grace. After a scare in the hospital, a car accident leaves Michael dead, Madeline alive and the baby...well we don't know what the baby's condition is. Madeline has the pregnancy to term and delivers via Patricia, a stillborn baby....very much dead.

The penultimate scene (taken from the short) is when after giving birth Patricia proclaims "You can't will a...". It's chilling and effective when the baby jumps to life. Very twistedly goosebumpy and you know this can only lead to successive WTF moments. The movie than goes into those moments via slow burn. Most of America has ADD, so with a 5 hour energy drink and a Red Bull I painstakingly paid attention.

So what do we get?

• Grace deteriorating via a bath
• Grace throwing up mommy's breast milk
• And a closing shot from the POV of Grace lookingthrough the fly net with Madeline looking at the accumulating flies (this is one of the best scenes in the film)

The 2nd trimester (the next 30 minutes)

This is where we see mom and daughter bond and were the supposed transcendent portion of this bond. Madeline soon finds out Grace craves blood and she does everything she can to accommodate. The scenes of nurturing seem lacking for me. From sacrificing her vegan ways to a obvious murder, I could see the argument being made for the pro "What would you do for your child?" contingent.

It's a surreal motherhood in action and fascinating to watch but here's my beef. Sure, Grace shows sign of zombieness or vampire hybridy but for being the titular character should have been a little more anti-normal. If we saw Grace decomposing (yeah that does sound horrible I know) that would have made more of an impact on Madeline's actions. In the short, Grace is shown in q more gruesome fashion. I think we really needed that so we can see Madeline's transformation of mom to psycho mom.

You can't tell me the vagueness of whats Grace is didn't bother you. This is a horror movie and some subtle hint would have been nice. Ladd is solid in her performance as we see her succumb the demands of servicing Grace. Mentally and physically we see her deteriorate just like her baby. It's a good parallel and I would have liked to see more of it.

The 3rd trimester (the last 15 minutes)

The conclusion is filled with reveals and discovery by all those involved. I did like the poetic last moments of Madeline being a mom to the very end. But for a film that built up a intensity of this mother-daughter bond, we end on such an odd note and with a tad of black humor. Why the black humor now? This could have easily been inserted throughout the film to relax the audience and the viewer and play on their natural instincts.

For 70 or so minutes, Grace doesn't give us moments to breathe. It's psychologically and disturbing throughout. That's not to say I wanted some ha ha's on such a serious toned movie, but we are dealing with a bloodsucking infant here.

Overall, Grace is stretched out from a short to a feature and you can see some of the stretch marks on what didn't work. The idea is sound, the performances solid and the bits of gore are well done. But at the end of it, Grace's message doesn't resonate intensely on the "What would you do for your child" theme like say The Children or Orphan does (killer kid movies that emanate that theme perfectly).

Grace is definitely unlike any horror film I've ever seen (I do agree on that). But if I were to be the midwife on this movie and help it deliver, my suggestion to Paul Solet would be this.

Push the boundaries and go beyond the beyond. In other words, not just make a feature out of your short but challenge the viewer thematically and visually with something they will never forget.


Gore-ipedia

Fly trauma
Blood gushing
Hammer to the head
Bottle blood drainage

Nude-ipedia

See WTF moment

WTF moment

Old people doing it!! My eyes! My eyes!! I'm blind!!!

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

This is the 2nd time this week I haven't fully liked one of the supposed best horror movies of 2009. I don't get caught in any bandwagon hype and I stick by my thoughts. Like em or hate em, I review a film in a way where the average horror moviegoer gets represented as well as the typically jaded viewer.

Grace is available on BluRay and DVD via Amazon.com.

Rating:
Check out the trailer below.

Labels: 2009 horror dvd, 2009 horror movies, 2009 horror trailers, Adam Green, arieScope pictures, grace, grace review

Posted by the jaded viewer at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Well I will be MIA for the next few days as I travel to New Orleans for some much needed R&R. I figure while I'm there, I'll head down to the Louisiana bayou and visit my old friend Victor Crowley.

Me and Vic (his friends call him Vic, his victims call him "NOOOOOO! Argh!!!") We go way back. I visited him after he got that Hatchet in the head. We played Monopoly, Jenga and Trivial Pursuit. Vic also liked to kill animals with his bare hands. I just never got into that.

I'm hoping to bring back some souvenirs. Maybe a severed head, a decapitated arm and possibly my very own hatchet.

So while I'm eating some jambalaya, crawfish and creole food, drop me a line and let me know what's the what. Let me know what you think of the jaded viewer. Do you want more lists? more commentaries? more reviews? more porn?

Let me know or I'll get Vic to drop by your house. I warned ya.





And as a added bonus check out Adam Green's newest Halloween short "Jack Chop"!!!
His shorts are hil-freakin-larious. You can check some of them by going here.





Be back soon!

Labels: Adam Green, hatchet, the jaded viewer, victor crowley

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

I'm a subscriber of ArieScope's channel on YouTube, which is home to Adam Green's (Hatchet) collection of awesome shorts. I blogged about this short a while back, after seeing his recent short "Saber". then hopped onto Xbox live to view it.

Well now the full version is on YouTube so you can all check it out without going onto Xbox Live.

Starring the hot Rachael Leigh Cook and the Green regular Parry Shen, these cops "kick ass so you can happily live ever after".

Check out the entire short below. Good times.

Labels: Adam Green, adam green shorts, arieScope pictures, fairy tale police, fairy tale police trailer, parry shen, rachael leigh cook, xbox live

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Adam Green, the director of old school American horror masterpiece Hatchet has been working on his new movie entitled Frozen.

Just for noobs, here be the plot:

Three skiers are stranded on a chairlift and forced to make life-or-death choices that prove more perilous than staying put and freezing to death.

So while we're waiting for this little doozy of a flick, I posted a while back some of Adam Green's YouTube channel ArieScope short flicks. All of them are really fuckin funny.

He's got a new one entitled "Saber" which spins some Star Wars, scantily clad hot women and a parody of a body spray.

Funny stuff. Check it out below.





Thanks to Dread Central for the heads up.

Also late last year, exclusively for XBox Live, Green debuted a short entitled "Fairy Tale Police" starring Rachael Leigh Cook and Parry Shen.

Check out that trailer below.

Labels: Adam Green, adam green shorts, arieScope pictures, fairy tale police trailer, frozen, hatchet, saber short film

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Adam Green's (the man behind Hatchet) production company, ArieScope Pictures has developed so far some awesome flicks. Hatchet, Spiral and the recently premiered at Sundance Grace are receiving uber coolness reviews.

But I recently got to check out a few of the shorts him and his team have created on YouTube.

And I've got to say, they are fuckin funny.

Some have the horror vibe, others are ridiculously clever ha ha's. I'm hooked on some Ariescope joints. Now I got the munchies.

Check out a few of the mega LOL shorts that made nose milk.

The Tivo





King in the Box





The Tiffany Problem

Labels: Adam Green, adam green shorts, arieScope pictures, hatchet, kingin the box, the tiffany problem, the tivo

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Spiral

Spiral (2008)

Directed by Adam Green and Joel Moore

We've all seen Hatchet right? So let's just say we all were on the Adam Green bandwagon camp of this guy knows horror and anything he makes will be old school American horror.

I even put Hatchet as #2 on my top 10 horror movies of 2007.

So my expectations were fuckin high for Mr. Green and his crew.

So when I watched Spiral, read the brief plot and saw stars in Green regular Joel Moore as Mason and Amber Tablyn as well Amber the creepiness factor rose to a factor of 10.

We would get some wicked willies of goosbumpy madness right?

But Spiral is far from Louisiana swamp Kane Hodder mutant slashers. What we have here is a psychological, Hitchcockian mind fuck that shows Green and Moore's range of messing with the audience.

No over the top gore, or unkillable slasher here folks. These aren't the droids you're looking for.
It's a classic psych experiment into one character's horror-verse where what we see and what we don't see are scary as fuck.

Boring Plot-O-Matic ( thanks IMDB)

A reclusive telemarketer, whose dysfunctional friendship with his boss is alleviated when a whimsical co-worker enters his life. But as he begins to sketch his new friend's portrait, disturbing feelings from his past threaten to lead him down a path of destruction.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Joel Moore, a Green regular is as strange looking as he is geeky-ishly devious. He plays Mason, a telemarketer by day and painter by night. Moore does the creepy quiet guy well, honing on a few sporadic sentences early on then rambling into semi coherent sentences later. He meets Amber (Amber Tamblyn, The Grudge, etc) who talks like she's in the Buffyverse and whose personality is the complete opposite of Mason's.

Amber Tamblyn is so likeable, girl next door-ish, it's easy to see her go with the flow of the nature of her character. Mason's bro relationship with his boss Berkeley is also clingy clangy. He is the womanizer sexist who seems to have a staple in helping his fellow dude, acting as more of the straight guy to Mason's weird guy.

Most of the movie is this:

1.) Mason acts all crazy
2.) Mason meets Amber
3.) Mason talks to his boss pal Berkeley
3.) Mason paints Amber
4.) Mason and Amber talk
5.) Mason acts all crazy
6.) Amber feeds ducks
8.) Amber finds out Mason is crazy
9.) Mason acts all crazy
10.) Twist ending

But that's where Spiral is the strongest. Amber's run on leftover thoughts are hilarious as exampled below.

Amber: So anyway. Now that I have conquered my current job, what should I do next? I am thinking feminist or astronaut. Probably go with feminist, I'm afraid of heights.
Mason: Ah, what does a feminist do?
Amber: Mostly just bitches about stuff.

The relationship between Mason and Amber is like a neutral blend of romanticism with a tint of mystery. Mason has a secret. They both know it, we know it and we know Mason's deep deep secret will only be revealed after 85 minutes of Bob the builder. (the secret is foreshadowed by a glowing door in his apartment).

But I really liked their odd relationship. He the jazz loving, sketching, painter loner and she the outgoing sassy girl who is intrigued by the quirky guy. Both performances are mesmerizing. A sweet scene revolving around a walk home to a movie theatre "date" Spiral almost passes off itself as a romantic comedy. Thank frakness, it goes all downhill after that.

So when we inevitably get to the end, a twisty end with an extra squirt of twist, it's clever enough to save the movie. I recognized the twist 20 minutes in because I'm a PI when it comes to twists. But the added WTF at the very end will be a shock to others.

This is not M. Night twist shit, which somehow makes the entire movie seem pointless. This ending is a proper puzzle piece where you snap it in and you see the Magic Eye painting for the first time.

Spiral is a different direction for Green and I give him props for not going and making a American horror remake for another feature. He's a writer and director and visionary of making the movie he wants. Green make me the next Tarantino of the horror genre.

It's an awesome-tastic movie that will claim some new fans, keep the core and have detractors all at the same time.

I'm going to continue to monitor Adam Green's filmography like a hawk. You should all do the same. I mean Hatchet 2 may just be around the corner.

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

Some bloody hands

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)

Amber Tamblyn's naked back

WTF moment

The second twist

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Number Six (Tricia Helfer) makes a cameo. I really wanted to include this film in my Top 10, but its going to fall short. As much as I love the horror mystery, I felt like I needed something more, one more "ooooooomph" to get this to 3 spinkick level.

As the title suggests, you will see the spiraling out of control of Mason and the cruelty of his madness. But this movie will establish Adam Green as one of the best new directors and writers to come out of the horror scene.

As his shorts have laid out, he can be funny, scary and mysterious in anything he does. If he can blend all of this in his next movie, I'll be the first in line.

Rating:

1/2

The Trailer





Tags:
spiral, spiral review , spiral trailer , adam green, gratuitous nudity, horror comedy, american horror, amber tamblyn, top 10 horror movies 2008, top horror 2008, teen horror, hatchet

Labels: Adam Green, hatchet, old school american horror, spiral, spiral horror, spiral review, spiral trailer

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Hatchet

Hatchet (2006)
Directed by Adam Green

Labels: Adam Green, american horror, gore, gratuitous nudity, hatchet, horror movies, movie review of the day, old school american horror, splatter

Posted by the jaded viewer at 10:54 PM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post