the jaded viewer

Well after the slight success of my Top 10 Villains from Arnold Schwarzenegger Movies, I figured I should topple the filmography of our beloved jaded viewer hero Jean Claude Van Damme. This list was little harder to compile from Arnold's because, well JCVD baddies are not as memorable as Ahnuld's.

Also there is the fact that I am biased for theatrical JCVD films compared to straight to DVD JCVD. But I pushed onward and came up with the list below. Each of these uber villains are defeated in a climactic battle of spinkicks, punches and HGH fueled mega battles which makes all these super evil doers much more memorable.

On to the list!

Top 10 Villains from Jean Claude Van Damme Movies


10.) Bison

From: Street Fighter

Van Damme played Guile as we know and it's hard to take him seriously playing the Joe with his UN centric accent.

But the late Raul Julia, complete in the video game Bison costume is pretty hilarious as the meglomaniacal Bison. He spews out awful dialogue and gets his ass whupped by the scissor spinkicks of Guile.

Remember this is the movie where the hot Aussie singer Kylie Minogue plays Cammy!

Check out the final battle scene.



9.) Garrotte

From: Replicant

JCVD has made alot of movies where he plays an evil or asshole version of himself. So you have to rank Garrotte, a serial killer with Ray Ban sunglasses, long hair and a leather coat as the greatest "twin" JCVD has played as a villain. Garrotte kills women and kids and sets them on fire. Damn.

Replicant was the first of many STV Van Damme flicks and it's an actual good film.

The final battle scene as the replicant battles his original evil self is awesome.

Check out the final battle scene.


8.) Senator Aaron McComb

From: Timecop

Ahh the evil politician. The senator goes to great lengths to manipulate the space/time continuum so he can become President of the US. Sen. McComb bribes and kills and manipulates everybody in the Time Enforcement Commission but when he threatens Sloane, that's when Max Walker draws the line.

His death is by far one of the best in any JCVD films as Walker tells the Senator:

"Same matter can't occupy same space"

See the result by heading here. (3:48 in)


7.) Emil Fouchon

From: Hard Target

Should Emil Fouchon be ranked higher? Maybe. He's more eviler than many of the others on this list as he kills homeless war veterans for sport. He even looks cooler with doves flying and in double gun wielding slo mo action scenes.

He's a downright, evil douchebag but thanks to Chance, he doesn't stand a -...I was about to make a bad pun. Sorry.

"Hunting season is over"

Check out all the action scenes here.




6.) Himself

From: JCVD

Ahh yes. The old WTF spot on this list. I threw a curveball with this one right?

Well in JCVD he recites a solid 7 min speech about his utter self destruction from women, drugs and his character. This results in his outcast from the Hollywood system and the rise of straight to DVD, filmed in Bulgaria Van Damme.

And you can't deny the fact that he, himself was his biggest enemy in JCVD. Not the bank robbers or the media or the cops.

Check out the monologue here.


5.) The Sandman

From: Death Warrant

A psycho if there ever was one. He is the muscle behind the illegal human organ harvesting at one Harrison Penitentiary.

"Welcome to hell!"

Though its hard to believe the other prisoners just allowed him to leave after killing the Sandman.

The final battle scene is awesome.

4.) Cynthia/Atilla

From: Lionheart

Well it's a co #4 on this one. Cynthia is the evil bitch behind the illegal human fighting tournaments and Atilla is the ringer they bring in to take down Lionheart.

We're an equal opportunity villain lister here at the jaded viewer, so Cynthia's evil multi millionaire human cock fighting investment can't be ignored.

Because Leo couldn't "choke a bitch", he had to go all spinkicky on Atila on a tennis court.

See the end right here.


3.) Andrew Scott/GR13

From: Universal Soldier

You knew Dolph was gonna be on this list. And as Andrew Scott aka GR13, he's one of the most sympathetic characters as shit, he's fuckin dead and got reanimated.

But then he goes all postal and and seeks retribution.

Soldiers who go all rampagy get ranked high here and as he's a professional soldier with high tech weaponry, he's more bad ass than anybody on this list.

"Are we having fun yet?"

Check out the trailer.



2.) Tong Po

From: Kickboxer

Tong Po goes for the movie juggular as he paralyzes Kurt Sloane's brother Eric. Don't mess with fuckin family. Of course this leads to an awesome 80s training montage and a final epic, to the death fight scene. A couple of spinkicks later, Tong Po is knocked the fuck out.

But why is Tong Po ranked so high? Because he actually KILLED Kurt and Eric Sloane at the beginning of Kickboxer 2!!!!

(well off screen of course).

That fact alone jumps him to #2 as he technically won.

Watch the trailer.

1.) Chong Li

From: Bloodsport

Chong Li was the obvious choice for the #1 Van Damme villain. He threatens Dux, comatoses Ray Jackson, kills one of the fighter and *gasp* dishonors the Kokoruki elders and their traditions. And he fuckin cheats.

The resume speaks for himself.

And the final fight is an epic Van Damme action sequence for the ages. You just can't top it.

Chong Li is cocky, egotistical and brutal. What more do you want? And I think he played a North Korean.

Hey the brick didn't hit back but Dux made you say uncle. So there.

Here are the Top 10 Scenes in Bloodsport.

This list has some good evil villains from Van Damme movies too but the rankings are way off in my opinion. But it includes a couple of characters I have left off.

Next up, sidekicks edition. Stay tuned!

Labels: bloodsport, JCVD, JCVD review, Jean Claude Van Damme, universal soldier 3, van damme

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Besides the #1 pick in my Top 10 Horror Movies of 2008 (which will come on Friday), only 3 movies were granted 5 spinkicks this year.

The 5 spinkicks movies of 2008, all 3 are non horror related. They made me feel so giddy with excitement that I was happy happy joy joy after experiencing these flicks. These were the movies you wanted to see again right after watching them. These were the movies that made you go "Fuck Yeah! That was soooo awesome!"

5 spinkick movies are rare, but every once in a while, you know 10 minutes in that you're seeing something special, leaving even the most jaded viewer jaw dropped.

Click on the titles for my reviews of these films (except Rambo).

So without further delay, on to the list!

3.) Rambo

Directed by Sylvester Stallone

Rocky Balboa was good, but Rambo was Stallone's ultimate blast off comeback. So bloody, gutty and splatter-ific, this is the Rambo we only heard about in those 'Nam Special Ops stories.

The cruelty of the enemy, the mercenaries for hire, the Julie Benz gratuitous cleavage.

But its Stallone as John fuckin Rambo that made this transcend normal action and into stratosphere action. All he wants to do is bag some snakes and live monk peacefully but they always fuckin drag him back in to kick ass.

And he's a bitter old soldier. From arm decaps to the gratuitous over the top gore of a 50 cal, he obiliterated the enemy in the best action scenes of the year.

Rambo was the best action movie of 2008 and Stallone just keeps reminding us he is still on top of the uber action movie.

2.) JCVD

Directed by Mabrouk El Mechri

JCVD is by far JCVD's best movie since Bloodsport. How can Van Damme fuck up playing a variation of himself?

From the paraodic opening scene in a Bulgarian straight to DVD movie to the Van Damme kick demonstration, JCVD satires Van Damme, plays to his strengths and leaves us questioning what this meglomaniacal man has been thinking since he left the Hollywood system.

In one final climactic scene, we the fans get what we wanted as we see Van Damme kicks ass in front of the crowd. He then proceeds to high five fellow officers and taps his chest in a moment of total self ego.

Totally fuckin awesome. So classic. So Van Damme.

And if you are a Van Damme fan, this is must see.

Check out the full review here.

1.) Chocolate

Prachya Pinkaew, the director of awesome-rific films Ong Bak and Tom Yum Goong, is the reigning king of action cinema.

And Chocolate again shows why guns and shootouts are fuckin overrated.

It's been a while since a full out martial arts flick totally blew me away.

JeeJa Yanin is breathtaking as Zen, an autistic girl who accumulates her martial arts skills by watching who else...Tony Jaa. Her muay thai skills are unfuckinbelievable and as always, there are no stunt doubles and all the action stunts you see are as is.

Fuck the plot and any character development. It's totally irrelelevant. What you came here to see is non stop muay thai choreography at its finest.

Non existent plot and motive plus the fact that the last 30 minutes were all action makes this one of the best films of 2008. Chocolate hit on all cylinders of what it was suppose to be. A non stop action sequence from start to finish.

Now top that Tony Jaa.

Check out my review for descriptions of all the action scenes of the movie.

Tags:
top 5 spinkick movies of 2008, top movies 2008 , rambo , jcvd, gratuitous nudity, chocolate, top action movies 2008, jean claude van damme, top 10 horror movies 2008, top 10 2008, 5 spinkicks, jadedviewer

Labels: chocolate, chocolate review, jadedviewer, JCVD, JCVD review, rambo, top 3 five spinkick movies of 2008, top 3 non horror movies, top 5 spinkick movies of 2008

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

JCVD

JCVD (2008)

Directed by Mabrouk El Mechri

"Those who never make it are not aware"

-JCVD

Oh how do I begin my review of JCVD. Oh screw it. I loved this film from beginning to end. And I'm not just saying that because we here at the jaded viewer are big fuckin JCVD fans.

To get a full appreciation of JCVD one has to know the panorama that is Van Damme's career. Insano Steve and I are mother fuckin experts when it comes to this as we've seen every one of his movies.

Let me say that again so you all can understand the rarity of such a thing.

WE'VE SEEN EVERY JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME MOVIE EVER MADE.

This includes the JCVD golden era (Bloodsport, Kickboxer, Lionheart, Universal Soldier etc), the JCVD Silver era (Hard Target, Time Cop, Sudden Death) and the JCVD Bronze era (The Quest, Maximum Risk, US: The Return). Of course, there is the JCVD Bargain Bin era (his straight to DVD made in Bulgaria, character action flicks which include Replicant, In Hell, Second in Command, etc.)

So experts would be us. I mean we even established a JCVD spinkick rating system.

So believe me when I say that we can safely put JCVD into the pantheon that is the golden era. It's got a docu feel filled with more or less some truthiness. If you could make a pseudo memoir into a movie, this would be it. Add the fact it's freakin funny as hell and has some genuine emotion from Van Damme, you've got Van Damme's first character driven flick he's ever made.

And I gotta admit, Van Damme plays himself perfectly.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Between his tax problems and his legal battle with his wife for the custody of his daughter, these are hard times for the action movie star. In JCVD, Jean-Claude Van Damme returns to the country of his birth but finds himself in the middle of a robbery gone awry.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

From the opening scene of a one take action scene taking place in a nameless war zone, I was getting my spinkick on. JCVD was kicking the crap out of baddies, shooting them out of the sky and saving the damsel in distress.

Ahh the action hero of all action heroes as we all see him via the cinema. But as we plopped along, we delved into a biopic mode and saw how are former action hero as to cope with the custody of his daughter and make a living as a Bulgarian action star.

The film is told in four non-linear sections showing different persepctives. We see the public’s POV of the events, Van Damme’s POV, and before and after the robbery.

Each little tidbit gives us a glimpse into JCVD, how he's perceived and how he perecives himself.
It's Van Damme's acting (I'm serious!) that can't be ignored. In some sporadic moments, Van Damme's english accent is dominant, but the natural French speaking JCVD portrays himself effortlessly (hey why don't you try acting as a hyper meta variation of yourself, I think it's fuckin hard).

Each of the section's has highlights that create a complex man, one that even E's A True Hollywood story couldn't do justice.

Public POV

Van Damme's many fans are present as taxi cab drivers, video store clerks, cops and bank robbers are in awe of the man. One improvised scene has JCVD chatting up a taxi cab woman as fan meets superstar. Done so well, so simple, you appreciate a scene where only a few words tell an emotional landscape.

Another scene has a "big" fan have JCVD show off his trademark high leg kick. Every JCVD fan gets it. We get his "stretching" abilities, his kick ass persona, his Hollywood "He brought John Woo to America".

Wink Wink.

In one final climactic scene, we get what we wanted as we see Van Damme kicks ass in front of the crowd. He then proceeds to high five fellow officers and taps his chest in a moment of total self ego. Totally fuckin awesome. So classic. So Van Damme.

Before the Robbery

As JCVD fights for the custody of his daughter, we see via flashbacks as a lawyer bashes JCVD on the flicks he has made (see the trailer). Totally funny, dead on and inside joke heavy. We also peek in on convos JC has with his agent.

The best lines stem from JC's "Bulgaria producer funded flicks" (so true) and his character action motivated films. He soon finds out he has lost a part to his nemesis Steven Seagal (because Seagal was willing to cut off his dumbass pony tail) . Seagal still makes movies? Really?
Oh how the mighty have fallen. The true JCVD fans know EXACTLY what he's talking about which make it an atomic bomb of full on hilarity.

Van Damme’s POV

As the robbery progresses, JCVD is thought to be the mastermind behind the robbery. In truth, 3 bumbling robbers are keeping everybody hostage and using Van Damme to make their demands. It's Van Damme's authenticity of helping the hostages and saving his own ass that make JC's performance so mesmerizing.

The truly standout scene is initiated where we see him have a out of body floating-ish monologue about his past drug addictions, his family and wives and the price of Hollywood stardom.

It was like a spinkick of acting. A Dim Mak right into the stomach. Van Damme screaming "Uncle". Totally fuckin mesmerizing.

After the Robbery

The ending is seemingly a parody of real life stars in goofy improbable situations. But it ends nicely. Touching and emotional. Totally NOT LIKE a regular JCVD flick.

Like driving on a hill, we get some highs and lows. Awesome-rific moments of pure funnyness, some real nitty gritty suspense and action, wads of gut wrenching, crying Van Damme emotions and a character variation of this man called Jean Claude Van Damme.

You couldn't write a better character. Because you can't make this stuff up because most of it is true.

Awesome flick. One of the top 5 movie of 2008 easily.

Influences

Watch all of JCVDs library of flicks

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

Hahahahahaha. This isn't gore you're looking for. Move along.

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)

Nada.

WTF moment

It's this scene I mentioned before.

[We get what we wanted as we see Van Damme kicks ass in front of the crowd. He then proceeds to high five fellow officers and taps his chest in a moment of total self ego. Totally fuckin awesome. So classic. So Van Damme.]

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

You knew I was going to give this 4 spinkicks didn't you? One of the best movies of 2008. For the true JCVD fan, this has to be seen. For the art house, indie movie crowd, it's perfect.

JCVD was suppose to be on hand for a Q and A after the movie but alas he had to care for his sick dog or was it reshoots for Full Love, I'm not sure anymore.

Insano Steve says that Van Damme is not allowed in the country anymore. We also realized we hadn't seen a Van Damme movie in the theatre since 1999.

I was glad to see JCVD back in the theatres. It was about fuckin time.

Rating:

Check out the trailer.







Tags:
jcvd, jcvd trailer , Jean Claude Van Damme , spinkicks, us premiere jcvd, top movies 2009, action comedy, jcvd review,

Labels: Angelika Film Center, comedy action, french film, J.C.V.D. Trailer, JCVD, JCVD review, Jean Claude Van Damme

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post