Thursday, October 01, 2009

Seventh Moon (Review)

Seventh Moon

Seventh Moon (2009)

Directed by Eduardo Sanchez

[This is a review I wrote for UGO.com hence the different format of the review.]

Believe it or not, this is the 2nd movie I’ve seen where a Caucasian American blonde is married to a Chinese American guy and has to deal with Chinese mythos gone awry (the first movie was They Wait). Well 2 movies counts as a subgenre right? It’s this new subgenre that Eduardo Sanchez, co-director of The Blair Witch Project has decided to make his 3rd film since the BWP made him a household name.

To sum up the very brief plot, Melissa (Amy Smart) and Yul (Tim Chiou) are a newly married couple who decide to take their honeymoon in China during the worst time….well ever. Because during the seventh lunar month according to an ancient Chinese myth, the gates of hell and the dead are freed to roam among the living. After a walking tour of a festival, their tour guide Ping abandons them in the middle of Nowhere, China. You’d think a country filled with a billion people would not have any nowheres. But you’d be wrong.

Soon they are chased by ghostlike creatures that have already attacked a few of the unsuspecting strangers who have ended up lost in this town. As they go searching for a place to hide it’s not too long until we find out why this is all happening to our American couple.

The first thing you notice is that Eduardo Sanchez hasn’t spared us from the shaky cam feel he developed from the Blair Witch Project. It’s ever evident within Seventh Moon as most of the film is eerily similar to the Blair Witch Project in many ways. We have a relationship going through the strainer through a supernatural ordeal. We also get lots and lots of chase scenes. The chases are handheld nauseous ness to the extreme but it works 30% of the time. The blurred out glimpses of our Descent like creatures add to the atmosphere of backwoods China under a starry night.

Sanchez also implements the “how are they going to escape this situation” scenarios as both Yul and Melissa have to escape from would be dead ends that would seem to lead to certain death. From a head lit runaway drive in desolate fields to an abandoned farmhouse to being trapped in a car as the creatures move in, all are tense moments filled with jump scare-o-thons and panic filled moments of suspense.

Both Chiou and Smart are decent would be victims, though a little back-story of the couple would have established some need for the audience to care about our newlyweds. Smart’s Melissa is a tough as nails final girl while her husband plays the dude in distress motif to the max. That little role reversal was a little neat. But between their dialogue of grit vs. give up, Smart whines and yells and actions are actually spoken (a big no no in film)

But Seventh Moon is a grind that you have to have the stomach to go through. The grind eventually ends up weak towards the end. As menacing as these ghost like human creatures are, they don’t have the evilest evil I would have thought we would get.

Also, the Chinese mythos is something inherent in Asian culture that somehow we American audiences cannot grasp. Thus, we don’t get scared easily by hordes of monster demons slaughtering animals and such. Finally, gorehounds won’t rejoice as there isn’t anything to write in the splatter wikia though the FX and makeup done by Hong Kong’s Spectral Motion are top notch.

Seventh Moon is a change of pace from your death knocking on your door or slasher slice-a-rama and it has some genuine moments of eerie spooky. But it’s no Blair Witch and unfortunately the comparisons are something we can’t overlook.

Grade: C

You'll like it if....
  • You’ll watch any movie Amy Smart is in
  • You love C-horror with a twist of American horror
  • You love shaky cam and Blair Witch style cinema
You won't like it if....
  • You get nauseous watching shaky cam
  • You hate slow burn, jump scares and lots of running around
  • Ghost creatures aren’t your bag
Check out the teaser trailer below.




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Monday, April 27, 2009

Fuck you Chev Chelios! (My thoughts on Crank 2)

X marks the spots

Look at Amy Smart's titties. You looking? Yeah you are you fuckin alpha male you.

I saw Crank 2 last week and it blew me away. Shit was better than Crank. I'm not going to review it as it's nutzoid to even review. I mean if you haven't seen it, stop whatever your doing and see this shit.

It's filled with comic book ultraviolence, loads of titties and boobies, crazy shootouts, stereotypical gang members from every race and Jason fuckin Statham.

What more do you need?

Fuck more boobies? Really? Those up there weren't enough? You wanna see a hot babe with guns? You got it motherfucker.

Hot Asian babe with guns

Damn you all are hard to please. This is a guy's guy movie. So much testosterone you can make Grade A steroids from. I can only describe the awesomeness of Crank 2 in disjointed grunt phrases which if you've seen the movie you'll get.

Here are the 20 things I love about this movie.

1.) Fuck you Chev Chelios!
2.) The doc's black momma
3.) Amy mounts the horses
4.) Bai Ling's broken english
5.) Severed hombre cabeza
6.) Young Chev
7.) Carradine in racist Chinese makeup
8.) Gratuitous porn star cameos (Jenna Haze, Ron Jeremy, Lexington Steele)
9.) Lloyd Kauffman cameo
10.) Every scene where Chev needs a jump
11.) Chev fucks up a social club
12.) Chev fucks up a strip club
13.) Chev statics up the granny
14.) What the fuck was in the cooler?
15.) Gratuitous big head fight scene
16.) The video game intro
17.) The diagram showing us how Chev's artificial heart works
18.) The dog collar
19.) The mental case from the first flick
20.) The gun up the dude's anus

There are so many other scenes in this flick that I'm forgetting but shit, for 85 minutes I was fuckin riled and revved.

Be sure to stay thru the credits as their are final final scenes of our man Chev. And their are hilarious outtakes at the end.


FUCK YOU CHEV CHELIOS!!!

Go see this movie, please.

The fuckin hilarious trailer is below. It's Red band mofo!


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Thursday, August 14, 2008

Seventh Moon (Trailer)

Eduardo Sanchez (who directed The Blair Witch Project) stayed under the underground radar as nobody noticed his last film, Altered.

But I'm sure everybody will notice his new film, Seventh Moon, as the tagline alone has given me fanboy chills:

"On the full moon of the seventh lunar month, the gates of hell open and the spirits of the dead are freed to roam among the living.”

Seventh Moon stars the super hot Amy Smart and Tim Chiao as newlyweds who attend the Hungry Ghost Festival in rural China. They soon find themselves stranded at night in the middle of a superstitious ritual that may be more real than folk legend.

Ooooooooo spooky.

Check out the teaser trailer below.




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