a jaded viewer reviews the world of horror, splatter, gore, cult, grindhouse, trash, b-movie, erotica, indie, asian and exploitation films
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Shut Yo Mouth! Black Dynamite is out on DVD/Blu-Ray Today!!!
Did you know that if you purchase Black Dynamite on Blu Ray or DVD you SAVE an orphan from being addicted from smack???
You didn't know that did you? Well it's true. I know you guys don't want to see a 6 year old, addicted to smack breaking into your home, playing your Xbox 360, drinking a Dr. Pepper and then selling your horror collection for a fix.
So do something about it! By purchasing Black Dynamite, you get that kid off the street and into a detox program where he will be given the best in medical treatment (or what's under Black Dynamite's health coverage, plus he gets a lollipop and a dollar worth of quarters for the local arcade).
If that doesn't convince you, then check out the links below.
"Listen sucka, I'm blacker than the ace of spades and more militant than you and your whole damn army put together"
"Your knowledge of scientific biological transmogrification is only matched by your zest of kung-fu treachery"
"Freeze you jive time suckas!"
Those are just some of the lines that Black Dynamite utters when kicking The Man's ass and dealing with some jive ass turkeys. There are a few more quotey quotables that had me on the fuckin ground. But the dialogue is only a tiny smack vial in this great movie which undoubtedly will be one of my Top 10 Movies of 2009.
Black Dynamite leap frogs up top to the best the blaxploitation parody genre has to offer. I'm Gonna Git You Sucka, Don't be a Menace..., Undercover Brother, Friday are classics in this but nobody has had the balls to go all out and never stop, 70s style. The jokes are a mile a minute, the dialogue is spoof-irific, every gag scene is gag-tastic and the look and feel make you feel your back in the 70s. The movie, running about 90 minutes doesn't stop in its genius comedy of ripping apart the blaxploitation gimmicks and logical illogics. It's a black time capsule of spoof. If you've seen the blaxsploitation classics its spoofing it becomes 100 times better. Shaft, Coffy and something I recently saw, Black Gestapo are utterly parodied to perfection.
I haven't laughed that hard since seeing Black Devil Doll because the beauty of being ridiculous is making sure the audience knows you're being ridiculous. So self aware is Black Dynamite, when we close in on a gratuitous closeup stare by our super brotha, we know he knows we know. You dig?
Boring Plot-O-Matic
When “The Man” murders his brother, pumps heroin into local orphanages, and floods the ghetto with adulterated malt liquor, Black Dynamite is the one hero willing to fight all the way from the blood-soaked city streets to the hallowed halls of the Honky House.
Awesome Review-O-Matic
So for this review, I get quotable. It's the only way I can get through my random thoughts on the flick.
"Anaconda Malt Liquor gives you ooooooooooooo"
From the opening scene of a TV ad for Anaconda Malt Liquor to the closing credits (extra scenes at the end for you IMDB crazy credits peeps), the gags start right off and they don't let up. Our man Black Dynamite (Michael Jai White) is the complete package. A former orphan, he's a player's playa with the ladies, an ex Vietman Vet, CIA agent and a soul brotha soldier. But when his brother gets killed, he has to exact revenge and clean up the streets.
"Who the hell is interrupting my kung fu?"
Many of the best scenes are parodies of kung fu flicks. BD is a numchuck master and the fight scenes are classic editing craziness. It's full of brute punches and Street Fighter kicks, BD has unlimited hit points. I even expected a hadouken to spawn.
"Black Dynamite, that was the best lovin I've ever had"
The ladies can't stand the smile (or lack thereof) of the man. They become butter in his fingers. BD taps the ass of many fine beauties and the the movie doesn't let up on some fine ass boobies. As BD courts smart sista Gloria, it's classic beauty and the beast. Just don't call Gloria a beast.
OK, I'm going to try condense my thoughts and just get to the chicken and donuts of this review. There are a ton of baddies who wanna take down Black Dynamite. These include:
1.) Pimps and drug dealers dealin smack in the orphanage 2.) The corrupt cops 3.) The Man 4.) Dr. Wu 5.) The President
All are dispatched of in true Black Dynamite style with "Dynamite! Dynamite!" jingles and throwaway one liners. There are gags o plenty that are utterly magnificent. An unlit cigarette being smoked, a boom hits an afro, an overused car explosion, kids suffering from smack addiction in the orphanage, yada yada yada. I'll be ruining the flick if I told you anymore. You dig?
The all star cast cameos can't be ignored as well. Again, just sit back and watch as cameos flood the screen. If you don't recognize some of these pimps and drug dealers (guess who Tasty Freeze and Kotex and Chicago Wind are), you should be shot with a hand cannon. Michael Jai White is flawless in his performance, reciting jive talk like Jay Z lyricalling lyrics. Some of the lines are intentionally off then quickly corrected and White sells his persona and his physique (I mean he was Spawn and Tyson right?) to the max. Black Dynamite's army also shines like hot sauce on a donut. Tommy Davidson plays Cream Corn who has Katt Williams like pimpitude. Bullhorn, another friend-dude helps BD kick some motherfuckin ass.
Finally, the look and feel of Black Dynamite make you DeLorean into the past. The soundtrack is jazzed and funked up. The intentional blurry closeups, bad editing and fade ins and outs are cinema styilized for maximum effect. The sound effects are played like a soundboard and you can't ignore the use of 4th wall breaking with closeups galore.
All in all, you get one of the funniest film spoofs to hit the screen since Austin Powers. I never had so much fun watching a movie this year. Michael Jai White and director Scott Sanders in attendance, saw a very predominant crowd of non honkies LOL and ROFL for 90 minutes straight. I'm sure it was thrill for them to see NYC represent in this sold out screening.
Sure you can see a Eisenberg/Cera suburban self aware comedy, but when you get tired of the vanilla, that's where Black Dynamite comes in. It's pure chocolate deliciousness, topped with hot fudge and a cherry. And don't you want to see Black Dynamite pop that cherry? You dig?
Nude-ipedia
Black boobies White boobies Asian boobies It's a multicultural collection of boobies!
WTF moment
The demise of Dr. Wu by a clever and very fast Black Dynamite
The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis Black Dynamite opens nationwide October 16th. I'm not sure if it will get wide distribution but if it does, you MUST SEE THIS FILM.
At first, when I saw the trailer months ago I thought this was an actual blaxploitation movie for the new millenium. What I saw yesterday was better. Black Dynamite hits on all those funny bones of every blaxploitaiton spoof plus being a blaxploitation movie in itself, it balances it out nicely so that you get the best of both worlds. This easily gets 4 spinkicks.
The movie ends on an apology as Black Dynamite says: "I'm sorry I pimped slapped you into that china cabinet". If you don't see this movie, I may be doing that to all of you jive ass suckas!
I received a press packet from an organization calling itself FSITO or Fight Smack in the Orphanage. Included in this packet of awesome stuff was:
A letter detailing their goals and history
That awesome t-shirt above
2 Fight Smack stickers
An awesome syringe pen
A Fight Smack in the Orphanage DVD with 3 different PSAs
FSITO is devoted to stopping smack and carrying out "smack-downs" in areas where there is a smack epidemic.
As their info page tells us:
In 1973, feminist writer/child advocate Gloria Grey published her seminal best-seller We Are A Gentle Angry People: The Rise of Orphan Smack Addiction in the Latter Half of the Twentieth Century. Though it was often filled with inaccuracies, misconceptions, factual errors, and plagiarized portions of unpublished Jacqueline Suzanne novels, it managed to catch of eye of community leader, Marion Barry - the godfather of the anti-Smack movement of the early 70s.
Though unlikely partners, Gray and Barry joined forces to lay the groundwork of what was to become Fight Smack in the Orphanage (FSITO) by organizing the first citywide “Smack-down” in Los Angeles in 1974. Later that year, with help from several government grants and the proceeds of Ms. Gray’s lucrative mail order macramé business, they opened the first FSITO Rehabilitation Center on Crenshaw Boulevard in L.A. Over the next thirty years, more than one-hundred FSITO Centers opened their doors in locations all across the United States and Guam. These centers are no longer just places that kids can get clean, but symbols of hope that inspire the entire community. Some also offer Pilates.
Sadly, the battle is not over. There are still thousands of Smack-addicted orphans on the streets looking for their next fix.
FSITO refuses to give up. We know that with your help and support we can fight Smack and save the orphans.
See how this is affecting your local communicating by watching these PSAs.
Fuck health care! We gotta fight smack before all the kids are hooked by all those malevolent addicting drugs. Go here to help.
Because as the FSITO motto says: Because Orphans Don't Have Parents.
**WTF was that all about?**
If you haven't guessed it, FSITO is promo, viral happiness for Black Dynamite, the blaxploitation badass masterpiece that comes out October 16th. You can check out the trailer here. And more viral videos complete with a vintage Anaconda Malt Liquor ad as well.
Thanks to the PR people from Black Dynamite for sending these awesome promo materials.
I'll be posting more Black Dynamite viral shenanigans as we get em. Shut yo mouth!
"Now you see me where I'm coming from you jive MOTHERFUCKER!!!!"
That's how the trailer concludes for Black Dynamite which I got to say looks fuckin awesome. With the influx of revival grindhouse and exploitation flicks coming out this year (see Hell Ride, Bitch Slap, Black Devil Doll), Black Dynamite might pull off the impossible.
Directed by Scott Sanders, Black Dyanmite stars Michael Jai White as 1970s African-American action legend Black Dynamite.
The Man killed his brother, pumped heroin into local orphanages, and flooded the ghetto with adulterated malt liquor. Black Dynamite was the one hero willing to fight The Man all the way from the blood-soaked city streets to the hallowed halls of the Honky House..
BD pimps up black women, white women and asian women alike. He kicks ass with killer kung fu mojo and makes honkies pay because "he carries 2 guns, one to stop trouble and one to make trouble".
Fuckin A.
Check out the official red band trailer below.
This is going to fuckin rock. Check out the clip below as Black Dynamite meets Barry. Also, check out the official site and the Facebook and MySpace pages.
Clever isn't it? Black Dynamite is going to kick ass, literally.
Did you know that if you purchase Black Dynamite on Blu Ray or DVD you SAVE an orphan from being addicted from smack???
