Monday, October 13, 2008

Rewind: The Greatest Martial Arts Fighting Tournament Movie Ever Made

[originally posted on leftoverthoughts.com on 7/7/02]

The Greatest Martial Arts Fighting Tournament Movie Ever Made

Part I


What movie are the following quotes from?

"OK USA!"
"You Jackson?? You look like a Jackson."

"You are NEXT!"

"You break my record, now I break you, like I break your friend!"

"Very good. But brick not hit back!"

"Time to separate the men from the boys."

"Just be sure Chong Li doesn't separate your head from you body."

"Don't make us use fifty-thousand volts on you, Frank."

"What the hell's a Dim Mac?"

"Aren't you a little young for full contact?"
"Aren't you a little old for video games?"

"Yes, Hong Kong is a very exciting city."

"No, It's Dux"
"Yeah like put up your dukes? Right?"
"Someday, I'm going to fight in the Kumite and make my father proud"
"
I'm glad your on our side kid"

"No.....bottom one"


So many more quotes to list. I could go on and on. If you haven't guessed already, all these quotes are from the greatest movie ever...and i mean ever made about a secret illegal human cockfighting tournament.

It's Bloodsport!

Starring Jean Claude Van Damme as Frank Dux. This is the movie that started the martial arts tournament video game craze. This is the movie that spawned Street Fighter, Mortal Kombat and countless other fighting games.

If they had only made Bloodsport into a video game. Look at the characters you would have gotten to play with.

1.) Frank Dux: He would have probably been the best player in the game. A cross b/w Ken and Ryu. No fireballs though. Only a Dim Mak.
Finishing Move: Spin Kick

2.) Chong Li: He should be the best character. He would be Gen. Bison like. Ultimately he would kick and kill everybody in the game.
Finishing move: Some sort of death my punch in the face move

3.) Ray Jackson: Dux's Hell's Angel friend. (Donald Gibb was Ogre in "Revenge of the Nerds")

4.) Hossein: He was Dux's first win int he Kumite.

5.) Paco: Dux beat him in the semifinals.

6.) Prang: Chong Li killed him in the semifinals (i think)

7.) Tanaka: Dux's Shidoshi (teacher)

Other fighters that could have been in the game

8.) Hiro
9.) Oshima
10.) Shingo (Dux's childhood friend that died)
11.) Gustafson
12.) Toon
13.) Chuan
14.) Parades
15.) Pumola
16.) Morra
17.) Yasuda
18.) Cocard
19.) Luu
20.) Aussie

At least 20 fighters could have been in this game. Alas, there were no Playstation's, Xboxes or GameCubes back in 1988. The least they can do now is put this movie on DVD.

Also there are so many unanswered questions in this movie. But that will be covered in Part 2.

Part II

On to my nitpicky, but thought provoking questions about Van Damme, Bloodsport, the Kumite, etc.?

1.) Some people say the Kumite fighters were matched up as red belts versus yellow belts? Is this true?

2.) How did Ray Jackson get an invitation to the Kumite? I mean are the Hell's Angels on the invite list of the Kokoruki Clan?

3.) If the Kumite is so secret how come the blonde reporter knew about it?

4.) Does anybody have or knows of the bracket/match system for the Kumite? How many competitors actually were invited? Did certain fighters get bye's into the quarters?

[Early this year, somebody on Wikipedia actually did it. Check it out.]

5.) We all know Chong Li was not North Korean. However is throwing Fuji dust legal in the Kumite? It must be, the ref saw it. Could Chong Li have used weapons? Say some numchucks were tossed onto the ramp, could he have beaten up Dux w/ it?

6.) How did they post those fighter signs and world record signs so fast? Are there time keepers? I mean is there a Kumite historian watching the fight? Can I meet this guy?

7.) The Kumite ref is freakin useless. It's full contact. No rules. I mean Chong Li killed a guy. I think the ref should have penalized Chong Li. At least given him a warning if he killed anybody else he would be disqualified or at least fined.

8.) You'd think the Hong Kong police would be quite suspicious that all these grown, musclehead men (many of them Westerners) were turning up in the hospital with bruises, broken bones and psychological trauma. Were they bribed? Do they have an alliance with the police?

9.) What happened to Tanaka's kid?

The kid who said: 'One day I'm gonna fight in the Kumite and make my father proud."

He mysteriously died. Did those bullies beat him up like the day after Dux saved him. And then Tanaka adopted Dux. What did Dux's parents have to say about this? Tanaka was torturing Dux and making him do household chores, cleaning, serving tea. We have a right to know.

10.) Finally, If the next Kumite is held in 2003 (it's held every 5 years) will there be Bloodsport: The Return? Van Damme has to make this. He must make this. We need this film. Somebody should inform Van Damme that Daniel Bernhardt ruined his breakthrough movie.

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Monday, April 14, 2008

Top 10 Scenes in Bloodsport

What are the top 10 scenes in Bloodsport? Well there are so many to choose from but we here at the jadedviewer have narrowed it down. I had to make some tough choices and cut it down to ten. Some notable exclusions are the opening montage scene, a couple of the mega fights (yes I know, I've got no Paco or E.Honda fights listed) and some memortable Dux moments ("you might wanna have kids one day" SPLIT).

Not everything can be put in but these 10 are the most awesome.
10 scenes. 10 classic moments.

So on to the list Shingo!

#10 "OK USA!"

Why it kicks ass: Big goofy Chinese guy's line as he brings Dux and Jackson to the so called underground tournament is classic broken english.




#9 "That's why they call this thing Bloodsport kid."

Why it kicks ass: The opening fight establishes the Kumite as some serious hardcore human cock fighting. Kudos to the janitor getting a gold tooth as he cleans up the blood on the mat hence the line.




#8 "Yeah Franky!!! Yeah!!!"

Why it kicks ass:
If this was a seeded tournament, Ray Jackson would be a solid #12 seed. But he easily disposes of his 1st opponent with a severe smash to the head then taunts Chong Li (bad move Ray). I mean how the hell did Ray Jackson get invited to the Kumite?






#7 "He's the American shithead that makes tricks with bricks"

Why it kicks ass: Hossein thinks he's so fuckin cocky trying to slap Janice and shit. But can Dux grab a coin from him before he closes his hand. Fuck no!
Fun note: Dux learns this trick from the fish in the pond training during the Tanaka montage.





#6 "I'll be in the airport in 2 days"

Why it kicks ass: Dux gets chased by Forest Whitaker and the other guy through boats all over Hong Kong in that cheesy 80's montage sort of way. The hilarious kicker at the end is classic.





#5 "Aren't you a little old for video games?"

Why it kick ass:
It's Karate Champ! This goofy exchange between Dux and Jackson makes for a some classic trash talk. Awesome use of a 80s video game for foreshadowing!






#4 "You are not Japanese! You are NOT Tanaka!"

Why it kicks ass: It's an opening training montage! That's why. Whats more 80s than that?





#3 "Say It!!! Say It!!!!"

Why it kicks ass: Fuji dust, the referee jump kick, the 6 spinkicks, the Dux groan plus flashbacks!, Uncle. Nuff said.






#2 "Chong Li! Chong Li! Chong Li!"

Why it kicks ass: Chong Li becomes the unstoppable, ultimate evil when he kills his opponent and disrespects the Kokoruki elders. You so bad ass Chong Li!





#1 "Show us the Dim Mak"

Why it kicks ass: I mean c'mon now. This is the pinnacle of the movie. The judge asks for the "bottom one" and Dux obliges. When have you EVER seen somebody smash a brick with their focused energy?? Of course the Dim Mak later failed against E. Honda's chubby fat ass, but hey at least the Dim Mak got Dux into the tournament right?











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Thursday, January 17, 2008

Bloodsport's Kumite Brackets

Well it was about time somebody did it.


Glad it wasn't me. We here at jadedviewer.com love Van Damme. Hell our ratings system is based on Frank Dux spinkicks. So when Insano Steve sent me this link, I was speechless and overjoyed.


On Wikipedia's Bloodsport entry, somebody put together the tournament brackets for the Kumite.


YES!!!!

Kudos. Much applause and clapping from me.


Do you realize how hard that was to do?

Somebody had to watch Bloodsport over and over again and then during the cheesy 80's Kumite fight scene montage, they had to meticulously write down each fighter's name, who they fought and how it all fit in tournament style.


The bracket is filled with lots of info. As we do not see every fight of the 3 day Kumite and every fighter is not named (on that scoreboard with the lights), the writer had to come up with classic nicknames such as:


Leotard Guy

Kung Fu Guy

Black Karate

Kickboxer Guy

Tattooed Guy


and


Angry Midget



The best part of the entire bracket is the asterick (*) next to Chuan Mung as *RIP.


AWESOME!!!

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Sunday, September 16, 2007

jadedviewer.com's rating system

I wanted to explain our rating system so going forward everybody good get a clear understanding of what we think is good and what is utter shit.

As I am a big fan of Jean Claude Van Damme, (even his shitty straight to DVD movies) the rating system is based on Van Damme spin kicks.



The Van Damme spin kick, first seen in the movie BloodSport is lethal and a most potent weapon (other than the infamous Dim-Mak) in the arsenal of Frank Dux. In the course of the final match between Frank Dux and Chong Li, Dux connects on 4 spinkicks to finish off Chong Li. Though, he makes Chong Li say "Uncle" and wins the Kumite via submission, it's the spin kick that enables Dux to get the win.

So our rating system is born.

Below you will find what each rating means.


4 Spin kicks

Rating:





If we give a movie 4 spin kicks, it basically means this movie is beyond awesome. It beckons the good horror of old. It's STRONGLY, HIGHLY recommended. It's so good, you wanna slap your momma. It's totally kick ass with an extra side of whoopass. It makes you want to blow some shit up. This is the movie than will change your life. It's so good, you should quit your job and watch this movie everyday for your entire life. After watching this movie, you've been spinkicked into a submission of awesomness.



3 Spin kicks

Rating:




If we give a movie 3 spin kicks, it basically means this movie is awesome. It's recommended but not too highly. It's so good, you wanna slap your pappa. It's totally kick ass without the extra side. It makes you want to blow some shit up (but in a controlled environment). This is the movie than will change your life (for about a good month). It's so good, you should quit your job and watch this movie everyday for your entire life (then apply for another job). After watching this movie, you'll be spinkicked into an awesome euphoria (sorta like if you were on schrooms).


2 Spin kicks


Rating:




If we give a movie 2 spin kicks, it basically means this movie is ok. It's recommended but I would think twice about whether you should see this movie or pay your rent. It's good, you wanna slap your sista. It's kick ass but it might be you who's ass gets kicked. It makes you want to blow some shit up (possibly your neighbor's mailbox). This is the movie that WILL NOT change your life. You might as well have spent some money on some Ramen or a slice of pizza. After watching this movie, you'll be spinkicked into reality in 2 hours (or 80 min depending on the running time).


1Spinkick

Rating:




If we give a movie 1 spin kick, it basically means this movie is utter shit. It's NOT recommended at all and you should start an internet petition for others to not see this piece of garabge either. It's so bad, you wanna slap your self for seeing it. It's doesn't kick ass and you should kick your own ass for watching this vile piece of celluloid. It makes you want to blow yourself up (and possibly even gouge your eyes out so you will never have to watch movies again). This is the movie that will make you vomit for a full hour. After watching this movie, you'll be spinkicked into watching chick flicks.

0 Spinkicks

If we give a movie 0 spin kicks, it basically means this movie is completely utter shit and I will hunt down the director and skull fuck him. After seeing this movie, suicide is taken under serious consideration. The movie might make you jump off a bridge. After watching this movie, death should be highly considered.

I hope this rating system is helpful for all going forward. If you have any suggestions, please use the comments below to chime in.

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