the jaded viewer

Hell Ride

Hell Ride (2008)

Directed by Larry Bishop

The 3 B's. Bikers, Beer and Booty. That's the philosophy behind The Victors gang. I especially like the booty part.

Lots of booty. And girls. Naked big breasted girls. It was a multicultural smorgasboard of biker babes and strippers.

So much hotness, you can get easily confused. It was like being on nudity heroin.

But once you become sober, you begin to realize that Hell Ride gives you full frontal and nothing else.

And in my opinion, you can't call that a movie.

Executive produced by the one and only Quentin Tarantino, and directed by Larry Bishop (a legendary biker movie director), this modern day update of 70s biker movies. Seriously, I'm no expert in this genre but in the 21st century, this is the one grindhouse subgenre that just doesn't translate well.

And that shortcoming doesn't even bring up the main fuck up of this movie.

It's all style and no substance.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

The story deals with the characters Pistolero, the Gent and Comanche and the deadly, unfinished business among them.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

I think there were more scenes of bikers and babes fucking than bikers vs bikers in shootouts. Let me doublecheck. Yup. That's right.

For every scene where Bishop tries to write some Tarantino-ish dialogue (which can be summed up in a lengthy "fire"innuendo between our main dude Pistolero and his bikette) we get our Victors enjoying the fruits of their labor.

Be it in a hippie bonfire commune with a belly of naked hotties or in a midwest fashion show of silicon enhanced chicks mud wrestling. As much as I love scenes filled with 120% gratuitous nudity, you figure you'd get your even distribution of fancy, ridiculous shootouts with massive explosions. And I especially like my shootouts and bike chases with some plot that keeps me entertained.

The characters of Pistolero (Bishop), the Gent (Madsen) and Commanche (Eric Balfour) are entertaining and slick suited, but at 70 minutes you're not really gonna go into back story which might have elevated this movie into some memorable lines. We even get a cameo from Eddie Zero (Dennis Hopper) which just seems like it was way too homage-y.

Our main adversaries for the Victors are the Six Six Six (Sixers) gang who led by The Deuce (David "Kill Bill" Carradine) and Billy Wings (Vinnie Jones). And they weren't that even fuckin intimidating. The fuckin Guardian Angels could kick their ass.

Some revenge plot or some shit is thrown in and a mysterious safe desposit box generates some deux ex machina.

Whatever.

Even the climactic ending was well, without a climax.

The best part of Hell Ride is the gratuitous nudity. I can't believe I wrote that. But it's true. It looks like a overmaxed Tarantino film but not filled with the detail that you would get from QT. Even in a short 60 minutes, QT's Death Proof gave you hottie characters in a time warped muscle car movie.

Ehhh. What a big disappointment. Bikes. Beer. Booty and Babes. How could that not turn out good?

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

Throat slicing
Gunshot wounds
Arrow trauma
Headshots
Beheading
Fire killing

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)

Nudy magazine nudity
Hippie girl nudity (some full frontal)
Biker girl nudity (some full frontal)
Stripper nudity (some full frontal)
Cherokee Indian girl nudity
Asian girl nudity (full frontal)
Girl on Girl action
Hot oil wrestling girl on girl action
Punk rock girl nudity

WTF moment

Just seeing a hot Filipina chick go full frontal made me go....WTF!?!?! Awesome.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Some style, no substance. Just because Quentin Tarantino's name is on this, don't see it if you think you're gonna see Death Proof but with choppers.

But fuck, if you wanna see some old guys ride bikes, fuck hotties and stage lame ass shootouts, go right ahead.

You know you just wanna watch for the gratuitous nudity anyway.

Rating:

1/2

Tags:
hell ride, hell ride red band trailer , quentin tarantino , bikers, michael madsen, top horror movies of 2008, gratuitous nudity, jadedviewer

Labels: bikers, bloody violence, david carradine, dennis hopper, gratuitous nudity, hell ride, hell ride red band trailer, hell ride review, larry bishop, michael madsen, quentin tarantino, vinnie jones

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

So I'm watching a terrible episode of Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, I decided to IMDB Sarah Connor herself, Lena Headey. I wanted to know what other movies besides 300 she's done. And what do I find? She's in a horror movie....and get this!!....it's with her TV son John Connor! (Thomas Dekker).

Wow talk about a small world.

This blood-irific splatter fest is called Laid to Rest, coming in 2009.

The trailer looks gooey and has shades of arterial spraying. Fuckin trailers always make even the shittiest movie look good.

And the funniest thing is in the trailer, the serial killer looks like a freakin terminator!!!

I'm fuckin serious. He's got silver skull mask (ahem!) and red scope thingy attached to his shoulder (double ahem!) And he's terminating the shit out of people from the looks of it.

Will this maniac killer be a cyborg from the future? Where's the hot teen Terminator to protect young John Connor? Where is David Silver? Can he save his nephew by DJing a good beat?

I'm going to get so confused.

Plot-o-rama....................

A terrifying story of a young girl who wakes up in a casket with a traumatic head injury and no memory of her identity. She quickly realizes she was abducted by a Deranged Serial Murderer and in an isolated rural town she must survive the night and outsmart the technologically inclined killer who is hellbent on finishing what he started.

Check out the Red Band HD trailer.





Tags:
laid to rest, laid to rest red band trailer , american horror , serial killer movies, gratuitous nudity, lena headey, terminator sarah connor chronicles, horror movies 2009,

Labels: bloody violence, horror movies 2009, laid to rest, laid to rest trailer, lena headey, serial killer movie, splatter, splatter gore, terminator the sarah connor chronicles, thomas dekker

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Tags:
hell ride, hell ride red band trailer , quentin tarantino , bikers, michael+madsen, top horror movies of 2008, gratuitous nudity, jadedviewer

Labels: bikers, bloody violence, david carradine, dennis hopper, gratuitous nudity, hell ride, hell ride red band trailer, hellride, larry bishop, michael madsen, quentin tarantino, vinnie jones

Posted by the jaded viewer at 10:45 PM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

The Signal

The Signal (2008)

Directed by David Bruckner, Dan Bush and Jacob Gentry

"Do you have the crazy?"

Fuck yeah I do. I'm crazy for The Signal, which is one the best movies of 2008.

Let me start off by saying the jaded viewer is jaded because I've seen a lot of horror and underground movies. So when I tell you I like a movie, it's fuckin rarity rare.

Your movie doesn't have to be an original idea (The Signal is more of a few ideas thrown into one) but when you can pull off a solid piece of storytelling, glue in some splatter and chaos and throw in a few scenes of LOL, it makes for an awesome, most totally good time.

And that's exactly what The Signal does.

I really hate how Hollywood churns out PG-13 turd burger after horror turd. So when 3 directors can team up and shell out a gem like this, it totally gives me a happy.

Told from 3 different perspectives and directed by each director in their own unique style, each has it's own personality and blends in nicely to form a coherent film.

The movie starts off with a WTF moment but then slowly transitions into a visceral apocalypse.

First we start off with David Bruckner's "Transmission I" and we are introduced to Mya (Anessa Ramsey) and Ben (Justin Welborn).

<--Tangent Alert!!!!-->

Throughout the whole movie I thought Mya was being played by Christine Elise and not Anessa Ramsey. They look very similar to me. I have no idea why.

I was shocked when it was a different actress. The signal must have infected me. Where's my hammer?

<--Tangent Alert!!!!-->

Mya is cheating on her husband with Ben and then that's when all hell breaks loose. The signal, a flurry of colored images and a shrieking sound start broadcasting on every TV, radio and cell phone (though no Internet huh?).

Then everybody goes fuckin nuts.

Mya returning to her apartment has her husband go all Barry Bonds on his friends. Escaping she see's her neighbors go insane and start Voorheesing with knives and garden shears.

It's a great opening 40 or so minutes, chilling, totally manic and the carnage is beyond comprehension. Your sad to see this segment go but the one to follow is like the X-Files series. One episode is monster of the week, the next is light hearted Lone Gunmen fluff.

Dan Bush's "Transmission II" goes all Evil Dead by being funny and goofy. It's odd to go into post apocalyptic humor mode, but it works here. Here we meet a Pleasantville 3 as the interactions between Lewis (AJ Bowen), Anna (Cheri Christian) and Clark (Scott Poythress) are hilarious. There are some horroromedy Three's Company like moments as each of them tries to figure out "who has the crazy" The climax comes in the form of a Mr. Furly like character Jim Parsons (Chad McKnight) who had me LOLing milk out my nose.

Finally "Transmission III", Jacob Gentry's conclusion goes into Cronenberg and Danny Boyle mood as the escape from Terminix is a redux of all zombie finales. Ben searches for Mya with the help of Clark. This trimester has the tone of the first 2 and intersplices both and concludes into an eerie downer of an ending (which I always like).

I really hate happy endings. Horror movies that end with a negative are always good in my book.

As I said before, The Signal isn't original (I first thought of Romero's The Crazies and Cronenberg's Videodrome). But originality can be forgiven if the characters and the carnage never get boring.

The satire of our reliance on technology and our never ending need to be "plugged in" is ever evident. As one character states: "...rational behavior has given way to primordial action..." Do we all turn into savages when we run out of hot water or we can't watch TV? (One time I had no cable and I thought I was going to go insane)

I do have to gripe about this film in that, like Cloverfield nothing is ever explained. We get a theory from one of the characters what the signal is but that could be just mindless ramblings from his insanity. Also, part 1 could have easily carried the movie into part 3 and bypass the sitcom-ish part 2. Finally, explaining why something is happening doesn't diminish the idea if done well. It's called motive and as a viewer, we need motive. Just suspending disbelief sometimes doesn't work.

The Signal is not entirely horror, but is sort of an artsy cinema engulfed in a horror apocalypse. Some of us lived in a time without the Internet (yeah I know I just dated myself). So I know when a film challenges this new Internet generation with a film of brainwashing insanity and brute rawness, it's totally new and a breath of fresh air.

I mean seriously, when you IMDB or Wikipedia a film right after you've seen it, you know you reaaaaaaally liked it right?

The Signal will go into the horror cult of fame and is one of the best horror movies of 2008.

And that's why The Sign-dfshgsdhgklsjfdbgsdfngluithgikhefwoaehrgjenbkjsbfklrjegb

Whoa my screen just went all fuzzy and psychedelic and now I hear a shrieking noise.

You hear that?

Oh fuck me.

Rating:

Trailer:



More images:



Tags:
the signal, the signal review , top horror movies , crazy murders, gore splatter slasher, extreme violence, top horror movies of 2008, bloody violence,

Labels: bloody violence, extreme violence, gore, splatter technology, the crazies, the signal, the signal review, top horror movies, top horror movies of 2008, videodrome

Posted by the jaded viewer at 10:30 PM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post