the jaded viewer

I've never seen Twilight and I have no intention of ever seeing this twat-tard of a trilogy. But I do have a fascination of the mythos of vampire lore. I'm not talking about ancient Lestaty type crap but the fact that popular culture (be it books, TV, film and the Interwebs) have given a bunch of rules for vampires to have to deal with.

Insano Steve hates any monsters or supernatural beings that are hindered by rules that prevent them from eating, devouring or killing helpless young teenagers. I agree. It's just a drag that vampires are now burdened by so many laws and barriers that prevent them from sinking their teeth into some young hottie.

So let's analyze a few of these supposed rules and weaknesses the present day vampire has to deal with.

1.) Sunlight

the jaded viewer says: Why does sunlight kill vampires? Nobody knows. This is just plain dumb. Ooooh creatures of the night right? Tons of good shit happens during the day. Baseball games, picnics. Vamps need to get some coffee too. Recent vampire lore has broken this rule recently. I mean honestly, this is such a freakin handicap for vamps it's totally unfair. Half their day is completely shot. Let's just waive this one from the books.

2.) Reflection not seen in mirror

the jaded viewer says: How does one comb ones hair? Just cross this rule out. Dude needs to shave and the femvamps need to apply makeup. Nobody wants to see an ugly vamp right?

3.) Holy Water

the jaded viewer says: Holy water don't work against werewolves, zombies or demons. Why vamps? This one is totally goofy. Next!

4.) Garlic

the jaded viewer says: In the history of monster mythos, only the vampire could be threatened by a white, smelly vegetable. Jeez.

5.) Silver

the jaded viewer says: Why not copper? How about gold? Nickel?


6.) Crosses

the jaded viewer says: In Dracula 2000, they pulled out the Judas card explaining vamps were descendants of Judas which is why they hate crosses because it reminds them of Judas's betrayal of Christ. But do you realize that all you need to do is put 2 sticks together and cross them and you got a ADT security system MacGyver style. How's a vamp going to get some when all you need to do is put your arms together and give the Degeneration X symbol?

6.) The Invitation

the jaded viewer says: Well this one begs the question of "What qualifies as a home where a blood sucker has to get invited too?" Say I got a vacation house in the Hamptons...am I still protected? And the invitation reply is so ambigious. How about if I don't make rent for the month...its not my home anymore technically. Can they still enter? Still gotta love the scene in Let the Right One In on the vamp invitation rule being broken by poor Eli. (Check out the scene here)

7.) Holy Ground

the jaded viewer says: They can't enter churches? How about synagogues? Mosques? Temples? How about if I have one of those "Bless my Cubicle" sign. Can they come in?

8.) Wooden Stakes

the jaded viewer says: Not much to say here but if vampires were real, Walmart would sell wooden stakes for $5.99.

9.) The whole counting grain thing

the jaded viewer says: Jeez. That's like forcing people to watch Ernest goes to Camp movies over and over again.

10.) Can't cross running water

the jaded viewer says: So if I'm being chased by a vamp and it starts to rain...I'm cool?

11.) Feed on blood or die

the jaded viewer says: Thank goodness for True Blood.

I can't think of the others. Maybe thats all of them. Honestly, all these rules have totally made vamps seriously disadvantaged. If you kill a vamp, it's like their civil rights have been fucked with. I mean yeah they got super human strength, awesome teeth and that living forever thing is kinda neat. But if they go outside, they're pretty much toast.

Blade 2's reapers kinda made some uber vamps a little more scary but the generic vamps are totally screwed. I'm sure we can rewrite some of these dumb rules and come up with a good list that keeps em a little evil and very frightening. Hell, get rid of all these rules and start fresh. I'm sure we can make a better, more intimidating creature of the night.

Finally, I think somebody should make zombies vs vampires. That would be a totally awesome monster PPV right?

Labels: buffy the vampire slayer, let the right one in, twilight, vampire kids, vampires

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

It's Friday the 13th! Don't worry, this is not a Friday the 13th retrospective or anything. But I was thinking some of us (the horror bloggers) have watched a great deal of horror flicks. Some of us are even potential filmmakers. We've all said...I can make a better movie than that!

But really, do we actually have better ideas of what a good horror movie could be? Well I think I do. Hopefully nobody steals my idea, but if they do, please give me some damn credit.

Here is my idea for a flick. I got this inspiration after watching Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon (which I ranked #1 in my Top Horror Movies of 2007). I also got some ideas after seeing the teaser posters for Joss Whedon's Cabin in the Woods. As you can tell from my writing style on my reviews and posts and reviewing Dollhouse, I'm a Whedonaniac. I just like the quirky dialogue and the funny convos and the characters he's written and created.

So my idea is a self aware horror film. What's it called?

It's called "Final Girl".

Basically its about a girl who learns how to defeat slashers (she learns her skills from an aging final girl and this is done via a gratuitous 80s montage) and goes from town to town and kills slasher legends who are killing dumb, oversexed and drug smoking teens.

Sounds generic right?

The twist here is she goes undercover, infiltrates the teens that are being stalked and slaughtered and then unleashes her final girl fury. She knows all the tricks of the trade. Like how to survive by not running aimlessly, she doesn't partake in any vices, she does the research necessary to kill the killer, she listens to the crazy old man and she's seen all the things other final girls have done to avoid death and survive.

Sorta like Buffy, but referencing final girls of other horror films, it'll be totally self aware. Possible winks to the audience of what they know. Everybody has written rules on how to survive a horror movie, but our main final girl will know all these rules and written a few of her own.

Obviously the sequel would be "Final Dude".

Well that's my idea. Now, I'm curious as to what yours would be? Do you have an idea for a horror movie or did you actually make a short or feature? If so, what was the story, the idea?

If you don't want to share because you think somebody will steal it...I totally understand. But if you had an idea for a horror movie that you think people would like to hear...please share.

So what's your story idea horror minions?

Labels: Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon, buffy the vampire slayer, final girl, horror movies, joss whedon, the thread

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

First, I'd like to thank Tim and Rebeca Haskell for allowing me and my friends Rene from EntertainingEvil.com and his wife to experience a hell of a ride yesterday. It may be 30 days before Halloween but I got my scare on early. If you've arrived on the jaded viewer for the first time because of my initial coverage of Nightmare: Vampires from the press area of the official site, this is the post you've been waiting for. This is where I share my thoughts, reactions and whimpers of the whole damn thing.

Let me say straight out, I'm not going to reveal "the scares" or the twists and turns of Nightmare because, well it would just ruin the entire damn thing for you. What I'll try to explain is the feel, the look and the wonder of why this is the best haunted house experience you'll get this year.

Nightmare: Vampires is a live action, ARG of horror nightmares come to life. It's an uber sensory overload that heightens your hearing, vision, smell, touch and taste. You will scream, shout, laugh and be utterly mesmerized by the brilliance of each and every room. This isn't your Twilight vamps looking for misguided love folks. This is your legendary bloodsuckers and mythos vampires, living and breathing right in front of your face. Believe me, it's not for the faint of heart.

You know the old saying from Dawn of the Dead: "When there is no more room in Hell, the dead will walk the Earth". Well, that just describes this awesome haunted house in a nutshell.

Let's get the facts out of the way first.

(From the official site)

Now in its sixth year and at a new location, NIGHTMARE’S fully immersive haunted house takes haunting to a whole new level. Get ready to play your part in NIGHTMARE: VAMPIRES, a unique haunted attraction that unfolds as an original horror story! Set in the Museum of Vampyric Artifacts (MoVa), the world's first vampire museum features antiquities related to vampires from the headlines, in the media and from around the world. However, when MoVa and everyone in it are attacked by blood-lusting maniacs, you won’t just be viewing the exhibits on display…you’ll be running from them! Witness the birth of a new vampire legend!

As the description above says, you enter the fictional MoVA, where you learn more about the legend of the vampyres. From then on, it's on. If you have a cross, it's time to put it on.

Each room is a sight to behold. I decided to go and walk slowly and admire each carefully crafted set. If you decide to go, I suggest you do the same. The props, scenery and displays of horrific memorabilia are works of art. You will have never seen anything like it before. Think Saw sets, Dario Argento backdrops and churches on LSD. You can tell that the Haskell and his entire crew detailed everything to the minutia so that each room had a different look and feel of horror bliss.

OK, I know you've been waiting for me to write what the scares are like. Well you're not going to get anything from me. Let me just say, part of the brilliance of Nightmare is that it doesn't matter if you decide to be the first one to enter the room or the last. You're going to get so frightened you'll bump into the stranger next to you as you stagger back into the arms of your significant other.

After the tour had ended, I got to talk to Tim Haskell and he feels like this is one of his best years for the haunted house. But he also added they have a motto for the actors and that's "Don't just scare the girls". And these professionals are equal opportunity scarers. I guarantee even the alpha male manliest man will get the shit scared out of him at least once. I'll admit I did. You never know when its coming and as I examined each and every part of the room, I once almost #2-ed into my pants.

That's not to say there isn't something funny about it all. I was making snarky remarks to my friends and to the group of strangers who were with us in our "tour group". I was even addressing my remarks to the maniacs, crazies, vamped up ravers and insane asylum prisoners hoping I'd get a reaction. (BTW, one of the rules is the actors can't touch you and vice versa). Note to self. Don't do that. You'll get more than you bargained for.

To get the whole experience, you have to cowboy up and be brave. Standing in the middle of the pack is going to be a letdown if you don't interact with what's in each room. The actors are very effective in their ninja skills, their sideshow carnival shows and their yelling and screaming. Only once did I get some dialogue from the show. In addition, darkness is your ultimate mortal enemy in Nightmares. In comes into play in some interesting ways from room to room.

But what separates this mature rated haunted house experience from the others is the story. Sure, other haunted houses may touch you or jump out in a hockey mask or even gross you out with live pig intestines but at the end of the day, a perfectly crafted story gets you wrapped up with whats going on. And its 1 billion times more effective when you're a participant in the story!
That's the genius of Nightmares: Vampires. It really is like a live action alternate reality game where you play your part acting as pseudo"unfortunate teenagers" who must escape from the now chaotic museum.

I had never been to Tim Haskell's Nightmare haunted house before. I did hear about it but it's one of those things that if you're a New Yorker, you think you'll eventually go to sooner or later. I'm glad it was sooner. It can break the monotony of the week and is just as effective as watching a horror movie in Real 3D. The only difference is this 3D is living and breathing and getting your heart racing a million beats per second.

You are missing out if you don't partake in Nightmare: Vampires. If you're too scared too go, I'm sure if you dress up as Buffy or Van Helsing or Blade you'll be fine. Start carving your stakes, shining your silver and get your holy water ready. But please, leave the garlic at home.

The house opens on September 25th and runs to November 7th. It's located at the NOHO Event Center on 623 Broadway at Houston (enter on Mercer Street). Tickets are $30 (advance) or $35 at the door. More info here.

For more info head over to the official site. For some behind the scenes stuff, check out Tim Haskell's blog at iscareyou.com.

**If you decide to go...**

Getting the VIP tickets saves on time and the long line that's to be expected as we get closer to Halloween. Plus you get an awesome gift bag.

I went yesterday and got Guillermo Del Toro's vampire novel, The Strain!

Check out the promo page for the best time to go!

For the brave people who did go? What did you think? Comment away!

Here are some trailers to get you revved up. Boo!









the jaded viewer related linkage:

NYC Haunted House: Blood Manor (Super Scary Review)
Insano Steve vs Blood Manor (Review)
Thicker than Water: The Vampire Diaries Part 1 Review

Labels: buffy the vampire slayer, nightmare vampires, nightmare vampires review, nyc haunted house, Scariest Movie Locales, vampire diaries, vampire kids, vampires

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Well it took until the 4th episode to actually get good too shoes, but finally Dollhouse seems to be getting good.

As I've been doing all season long, I've been reviewing the show for UGO.com.

Check out my latest review here or clicking on the picture of Eliza in tight leather.

Also, all episode reviews I've done can be found here.

Labels: buffy the vampire slayer, dollhouse, dollhouse gray hour review, dollhouse review, dollhouse stage fright review, eliza dushku, joss whedon

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post