the jaded viewer

Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead

Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead (2009)

Directed by Declan O'Brien

In the first few minutes of Wrong Turn 3, we get full grade A boobies, pot smoking and ocular trauma. You gotta give a film its props for following all the cliches of a cannibal redneck horror film in its initial opening scene.

But that's where it slowly tumbles downhill. But that's not to say the tumble isn't fun. The thing about Wrong Turn 3 is your enjoying yourself while all the characters start dropping one by one. At the bottom of the hill however is a pile of corpses and you can't believe you actually witnessed this stinking pile of crap.


1.) So have we seen this before?

Yuppers. And I reviwed plenty of these flicks. See Dismal: Eat or be Eaten, The Cottage, Dying Breed, Gnaw and Offspring.

2.) Is Three Fingers back in this one?

Yah dude. And in this one he's like mega indestructable. I mean this hillybilly can survive gunshots to the chest, hooks to the brain and sharp poles in the stomach. WTF?!? Are their druids involved? Is his heart made out of black ooze? Does he control dream demons?

3.) I heard the plot is about of convicts and correction officers that have to survive against Three Fingers...so is there nudity in this?

Aside from the opening scene and some dead victim boobage, that sums up your Nude-ipedia.

4.) The token black guy totally dies tokenly...right?

Dude. Was there any doubt?

5.) I heard from another review that there are some Saw like kills in this flick. I love Saw so I'm going to put this on top of my Netflix que right after I search for porn. Is this true?

Correct-o-mundo. Here be your Gore-ipedia. I'm not sure how its possible for a redneck, cannibal inbred motherfucker to design Jigsaw like traps. I mean he's got a slice and dice trap, a sickle boobie trap, some wooden spikes trap and a barbwire type thingy. Who the fuck is this guy? Does he go to engineering school for trap making for the hideously deformed?

6.) So after watching the trailer, there seems to be some awesome splatter and gore. I like splatter and gore because I'm mentally unstable. Does that mean I'll like WT3?

Well Mr. Unstable, I thought some of the gore scenes were pretty solid. Ocular trauma, pole in the mouth, pole in the mouth exiting out of the anus, road barbwire trauma. But the movie includes the WORST FUCKIN CGI I have seen...well since Dismal: Eat or be Eaten. Did these movies go the the 99 cents store of CGI? It's almost laughable...well because it is laughable.

7.) I heard from my friend's mother's uncle's half brother's priest's cousin once removed roommate that there is a scene of Convict vs Redneck ultimate battle? Really?

Yeah it almost as bad as watching the Yankees vs Phillies in the World Series.

8.) The NAACP told me this film is racist and sexist. I'd like to know. Is it?

Well you got a Mexican convict, a white skinhead and a convict that probably should be on to Catch a Predator...oh yeah all the white people all survive...so yeah its racist and sexist. Plus the portrayal of inbred, cannibal redneck Americans from West Virgina isn't true at all. They only say that only a few West Virginians are inbred, cannibal rednecks. Let's clear up the facts. West Virginia accounts for all 100% inbred, cannibal rednecks in America. So the point is you should never EVER go to West Virginia...or you will die.

9.) Final girl goes all final girly?

C'mon now...you know the answer to your own question.

10.) Wildly ambiguous ending that can be used to warrant a sequel?

Wow. The film throws a happy ending than explodes a WTF moment ending right after. I've never seen such balls to initiate a wildly ambiguous ending to warrant a sequel.

If you have any other questions, go and ahead and comment and I'll answer them in the most sarcastic and preposterous way possible.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

So I'm going to give this 2 spinkicks. Remember, I'm grading on a curve. It's only 90 minutes and somehow spawned logic questions of..."How did Three Fingers survive a hook to the head, getting burned alive and then somehow getting ahead of the speeding getaway car?".

Yes horror minions, it's so dumb and stupid you probably will loose a few brain cells watching Wrong Turn 3. It's like moonshine on celluloid. But that doesn't stop us from taking a swig of this foul tasting concoction.

Rating:

Tags:
wrong turn 3, incest death squad review , wrong turn 3 left for dead , horror movie 2009, redneck cannibal movies, horror blog, gratuitous nudity

Labels: cannibal films, cannibals, rednecks, wrong turn, wrong turn 2, wrong turn 3, wrong turn 3 review

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Haven't had your fill of human food cannibal films? Was The Untold Story, Three Extreme's "Dumpling" and others not enough?

Well Thailand, which I thought only made Muy Thai films has got something new in store for you.

Check out the trailer for Meat Grinders. It's delicious.





Also head over to Twitch for a full extended trailer.

Labels: cannibal films, cannibals, meat grinders, meat grinders trailer, thai horror movies, thai movies, the untold story

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

If your noob, your first time hearing the name Ruggero Deodato was from Eli Roth's mouth as he featured a cameo of Deodato as a cannibal doctor in Hostel.

If your a jaded viewer like myself, Deodato is in the pantheon of the kick ass directors, legendary and mythic. Deodato's filmography is so filled with awesomeness that it's a testament to the man whose resume includes the best cannibal movie of ALL FUCKIN TIME.

So let's count down the best of the best. Yeah I know, some of these flicks are horrible wrecks of a movie (knockoff slashers, pseudo erotica, cheesy exploding action flicks), but it's a list of his decent to best. Keep a fuckin open mind will you?

Here is the top 10 Ruggero Deodato movies of all time.


10.) Concorde Affaire '79 (1979)

Why it kicks ass: Plane crashes, sharks and concorde jets. What more do you need?

The Trailer:








9.) Phantom of Death (1988)

Why it kicks ass: Weird thriller starring Michael York and Donald Pleasance where York discovers a rare disease that makes him go insane. Kills a plenty and who knows, maybe even Deodato was commenting on social issues and shit.

The Trailer:





8.) Body Count (1987)

Why it kicks ass: Deodato tries to cash in on Friday the 13th mania in this slasher knockoff.

The Trailer:





7.) Dial Help (1988)

Why it kicks ass: A psychic finds herself tapping into the "energy" of a deceased phone operator. Pseudo erotic thriller/horror that has that oh so cheesy 80s problem: a ridiculous plot with cheap scares. MST3K worthy in so many ways. Good times.

The Trailer:





6.) Cut and Run (1985)

Why it kicks ass: It's Michael Berryman (see Hills Have Eyes) !!! Last part of the legendary Deodato cannibal trilogy.

The Trailer:






5.) The Barbarians (1987)

Why it kicks ass: Conan inspired sword and sorcery! Kutchek and Gore are played by the bad boys of bodybuilding the Paul brothers. Feel the power!!!


The Trailer:





4.) Raiders of Atlantis (1983)

Why it kicks ass: This is the best post apocalyptic punk, biker, Mad Max-ish movie about scientists and Vietnam vets who have to fight the descendants of Atlantis. I mean look at that trailer. It has all the action cliches of every 80s movies ever made.

The Trailer:





3.) Ultimo Mondo Cannibale (1977)

Why it kicks ass: One of the best cannibal movies ever made.


The Trailer:






2.) House on the Edge of the Park (1980)

Why it kicks ass: Cashing in on the Wes Craven's Last House on the Left success, this pseudo sequel stars Michael Hess as a sadistic rapist killer. A classic in its own right, this and Last House are part of the hall of fame of rape and revenge films.


The Trailer:






1.) Cannibal Holocaust (1980)

Why it kicks ass: The Masterpiece. Nuff said.

Trailer:





Well I hope that was educational for you. All the trailers are full of LOLs and Ha Ha's that never get old. This list took a while to compile, so let me know what you think by leaving a comment.

Now, we just have to wait for Deodato's long awaited sequel to Cannibal Holocaust, vanilla titled Cannibals to come out and we can probably add one more to the list.

I can't wait.



Tags:
cannibal movies, cannibal holocaust , ruggero deodato , top cannibal movies, ,ultimo mondo cannibale, raiders of atlantis,

Labels: cannibal films, cannibal holocaust, cannibals, House on the Edge of the Park, raiders of atlantis, ruggero deodato, the barbarians, top 10 ruggero deodato films of all time, ultimo mondo canibale

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Isle of the Damned

Isle of the Damned (2008)

Directed by Mark Colegrove

Sometimes the legends get parodied into oblivion.

Think about it. George A. Romero, the living legend maestro of zombie films made a half ass zombie pseudo diary flick while in comparison zombie horror comedies are scoring hit after hit.

The same can be said about the cannibal genre. Before his death, Italian Ed Wood, Bruno Mattei was generating badly made homage after homage to the king Ruggero Deodato and his infamous Cannibal Holocaust films.

And the parody was sometimes as entertaining as the cannibal film it was making fun of.

So we didn't wait too long until we Americans made our own. And I gotta admit, I let out a few LOL's while I watched Isle of the Damned, Dire Wit's new film parody of cannibal movies.

Isle of the Damned is a funny flick, going 10.0 on the parody Richter scale and is so knowledgable of its source material that it mocks the mockery of the cannibal flick by making fun of the best scenes the subgenre has to offer.

It's a sketch comedy come to life, where the viewer becomes the viewee and makes some ha ha's for the little community. It would probably have worked way better if it was 3 minutes and viewed on YouTube (probably could have garnered a jillion views by now).

Because I have to say 80 minutes is a bit much for an entire mock of a genre most people haven't watched.

But the low budget production values are actually impressive. And the jokes are like the presents Jokey Smurf had Brainy Smurf open.
KABOOM!!!

It does get kinda repetitive, but for some unknown reason I couldn't stop laughing.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

In Antonello Giallo's follow up to the notorious Pleasures of the Damned, private investigator Jack Steele is hired by a mysterious treasure hunter to help find the lost treasure of Marco Polo. Along for the trip is Jack's adopted son, Billy.

Their search brings them to an island off the coast of Argentina... and into the clutches of a primitive cannibal tribe, the Yamma Yamma. Alexis Kinkaid, a mysterious recluse who has made his home on the island amongst the cannibals, may hold the key to unlocking the island's secret... if they don't end up in the belly of a savage first!

Isle of the Damned, originally released in Italy in 1980, brought Giallo under fire yet again by the Italian government, who were outraged by the shocking and real scenes of primitive tribal rituals and cannibalism portrayed in the film. The film has been long out of print, but is presented here in a digitally remastered form.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

The mocks Isle of the Damned savagely scalp at in this parody are the best the top cannibal movies.

Here's a few they rip apart.

1.) The Deodato folklore is parodied as we "uncover" Antonello Giallo's long lost cannibal film which he was prosecuted by the Italian government for.

2.) The castration scene from Cannibal Ferox

3.) Jack Steele's fake mustached, Magnum PI glasses is a whole mock of all 70's final dudes

4.) Ridiculous scenes of wildlife (rhino, crocs, spiders, rabbits, snakes, etc.) plus a few yuckies of pseudo animal abuse and torture (ala Cannibal Holocaust)

5.) Alexis Kincaid, the Dr. Moreau like anthropologist who states the declaration "We are the savages, not the cannibals" motto (ala Jungle Holocaust)

6.) Cain the silent "Last Dragon", Bruce Lee parody

7.) Brain eating (like in Cannibal Ferox)

8.) The bad dubbing and staticky look of the film are as 70s grindhouse homages

9.) The infamous pole torture (from Cannibal Holocaust)

10.) An actual piranha scene (this was a scene that Deodato never completed in Holocaust)

The characters are bit extremy with our main dude Jack Steele, his ward Billy, Cain our kung fooey former Japanese assassin and the main baddy Harold who will do anything to find the gold of Marco Polo.

Kincaid gives the civilized vs savage speech and the dialogue is cleverly ridiculous.

Some unheterosexual moment parodies are a little goofy, breaking the non stop tone of the flick and a mute on mute relationship seemed just fuckin dumb.

A gratuitous sodomy ritual made up for some of the jokes that didn't work.

Aside from that, it's the ridiculousness of the cannibal movie itself that sometimes doesn't even need to be made fun of. White guys pretending to be cannibals is funny to a point.

But all in all, Isle of the Damned actually was gut wretchingly well done for a $20k dollar budget. It's full of edited swipes, clock fades and bad static.

It's these little things that made this YouTube millenial turd smell all flowery.

A lot of pretend moviemakers are YouTubing their own movies, but the guys and girls and Dire Wit made something pretty entertaining.

Because I'm really getting sick of seeing bad trailers of popular movies that these kids are making these days.

I'll be definitely checking in on what these guys are up to in the future. But please don't make a zombie parody. We've had waaaay to much of that of late.

Seriously guys, don't do zombies. Please.

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

Castration
Face peeling
Intestinal munching
Brain eating
Hand decaps
Leg decaps
Wooden spike trauma
Piranha bloody water torture
Cannibal slaughter
Feces eating
Knife assing

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)

Some white "cannibal" boobies

WTF moment

Sodomy ritual for cowards

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

It's a B or even C movie. The 21st century is still alive with dudes with a camera who make flicks and then go to a Chiller convention and hock it to the masses.

Fuck, I've gone to the same Chiller convention and bought these flicks. And I know it's because these guys love making movies for people like me.

Indie parodies are a rare subgenre, but kudos to the people who make em and make em good.

Just don't make that zombie parody. Seriously, don't.

Check out the official site here and the MySpace page.

Rating:

1/2

The Trailer





Tags:
cannibal movies, cannibal holocaust , cannibal ferox , Mondo Cannibale, , isle of the damned, , isle of the damned review, , ultimo mondo cannibale, bruno mattei,

Labels: cannibal films, cannibal holocaust, cannibal scalping, cannibals, dire wit films, isle of the damned, isle of the damned review, isle of the damned trailer, Mondo Cannibale

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Mondo Cannibale

Mondo Canniable aka Cannibal World aka Cannibal Holocaust: The Beginning (2003)

Directed by Vincent Dawn (aka Bruno Mattei)

Bruno Mattei has a resume of seemingly MST3K worthy movies. Most of them ripoffs of many big blockbuster hits: Terminator, Zombie, Jaws.

So its fitting he'd make a shot by shot remake of Cannibal Holocaust. And for all its Ed Wood qualities, I can't say this is total utter shit. It's sorta got a B-movie Hollywood popcorn feel to it.

It's definitely a midnight matinee movie I'd go see, with friends and totally make fun of. And so that's the way I'm looking at it.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

The network where the famous anchorwoman Grace Forsyte works, is collapsing and she would do everything to regain the favor of the audience, therefore she convinces her professional team to go to the Amazon jungle for a sensational scoop about the cannibals.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Thank God for Chiller. Yes I could have possibly torrented or found this flick on eBay. But Chiller gave me easy access to buy these flicks as they should be bought. Bad DVD cover art, bootleg DVD-R disc with no labels and half the description on the back in Japanese!

Woohoo.

What you're looking for in any cannibal movie is the following:

1.) Cannibals (duh!)
2.) Gratuitous nudity
3.) A scene of a pure, unadulterated, disgusting sicko atrocity
4.) Cannibal picnic munching
5.) White people disturbing an indiginous culture

Let's take a look at each piece of the puzzle more closely.

Cannibals

Looks like they got their cannibal extras from the Philippines (as this is where it was filmed) and if dressed up properly, anybody can pass as a cannibal. Fuck John McCain could be a passable cannibal.

A few "hi mom" moments from our pretend cannibals, some fucked up carnivore munching and for the most part you got a decent convincing tribe.

Gratuitous Nudity

Our intrepid white reporters give us some shiny boobies to look at. Perfectly tanned!

A scene of a pure, unadulterated, disgusting sicko atrocity

This movie had plenty. But I gotta go with the ripping of a pregnant woman's stomach and munching on her unborn fetus and intestines. Also, a beheading and some burned alive tribal women. And all filmed by our documentary filmmakers for their cable channel.

Seriously what channel is this on?

Cannibal picnic munching

Lots of it. Even some brain munching and some testicle eating. Because testicles are fuckin tasty.

White people disturbing an indigenous culture

You know very well whats going to happen to our documentary crew. For ratings, they decide to stage a "attack" from a neighboring tribe and start to fuck up the locals. Burning their village, women and children, shooting the shit out of people.

And ironically, they get what they deserved in the end. Eaten alive.

And you know why they lost? Because like zombies, there are a fuckin lot of cannibals. It's pure numbers really. You can shoot them, but your gonna run out of ammunition.

And they keep coming. And they're hungry and pissed. And testicles are yummy.

Influences

Every movie on this list: Top 5 Cannibal Movies of All Time

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

Cannibal eating
Beheading
Burned beyond recognition
Intestine splurging
Decaps
Rape
I kind listed everything in my review didn't I?

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)

See gratuitous nudity

WTF moment

There was gratuitous rape. Read that again. Gratuitous rape.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

If you want to MST3k this, this is the perfect movie for you. If you want to see a cannibal movie, go see one of the Top 5 I listed above. Bruno Mattei made a Commandoes vs Cannibals movie which I think is probably more fun to watch than this piece of crap.

But hey, I'll take my cannibals anyway I can get em.

Rating:

The Trailer





Tags:
cannibal movies, cannibal holocaust , cannibal ferox , Mondo Cannibale, , Dr Butcher MD, , Mondo Cannibale Review, , ultimo mondo cannibale, bruno mattei,

Labels: bruno mattei, cannibal films, cannibal holocaust, cannibal scalping, Cannibal World, cannibals, Mondo Cannibal review, Mondo Cannibale, top 5 cannibal movies

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Bloody Disgusting has unveiled the new poster for Ruggero Deodato's new cannibal movie called obviously Cannibals.

Check it out here.

Labels: cannibal films, cannibal holocaust, cannibals, ruggero deodato

Posted by the jaded viewer at 5:42 PM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post