the jaded viewer

Killer Movie

Killer Movie (2008)

Directed by Jeff Fisher

[this review is brought to you by Insano Steve who is back from the dead. Check out his other reviews and features in the right hand nav bar]

So, the jaded viewer asked me to review some movies for the site. Movies that he felt were so irredeemably bad, he could not physically review himself, citing fear for his health. Seeing that I'm pretty much the trash-TV expert, I figured I'd choose to do 'Killer Movie' because of it's reality show theme. And I was also looking to see something different than the usual horror crap. I'd say my tolerance for horror is pretty thin these days. You could say my viewing has become rather jaded (hey, see what I did there ...)

OK, the real reason I wanted to see this was:

• It was on blu-ray, and I haven't watched any horror on the blu-ray yet.
• The presence of hot-ass Leighton Meester (of Gossip Girl fame) in the film.
  

Let us delve into these items individually....

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A reality TV director copes with a spoiled celebutante and a show gone haywire when a masked killer starts bumping off the crew in this slasher-movie satire.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Blu-Ray: What can I say? blu-ray is the shit. It's freaking awesome. As Ferris Bueller would say, if you have the means, I highly recommend picking one up. You really get your money's worth for your HDTV with these blu-ray movies. Now, it doesn't make the plot/acting any better mind you. But you can actually see the pores in the girl's faces when they close up! For older women, Damn, blu-ray's your worst nightmare. So, no complaints for visual quality here. Top notch.

The lovely hot-ass Leighton Meester: I've never actually watched the Gossip Girl (I guess because I'm neither 15 years old, nor female), but I've been made aware of the hotness of Leighton Meester through the interwebs. So, it was nice to actually see her 'work' (without having to hate myself later). Well, suffice it to say, her appearance is very brief, despite her name getting top billing on the blu-ray cover art. Damn you false advertising! The lovely Miss Meester is only in 2 scenes, with 1 scene just having her screaming and dying. For the first time ever, I was actually rooting for the victim. Don't kill her, she's too cute to die! Sigh. Anyhow, she is super hot. She actually looks a lot like Minka Kelly (before Derek Jeter ruined her). Hopefully she will be featured more prominently in future projects which will allow us to see more of her 'talent'

Ugh. So 10 minutes into the movie and the hot girl I'm watching the movie for is dead. Shit. What to do? I heroically pressed on and watched the other 70 minutes. The plot you say? Oh yeah, probably should have gotten to that by now. The story is about this Zack Morris-looking guy who is directing a reality show in North Dakota about a small town high school hockey team. It turns out though, as filming starts, a bunch of people in town start turning up dead (like the hot-ass Leighton Meester). The lesbian super-bitch producer decides to run with the murder angle instead of the hockey bullshit (practical decision). The subplot involves a diva actress, named Blanca Champion (played by the not quite hot Kaley Cuoco), following Zach Morris around, in an attempt to learn about directing. Predictably, Blanca ends up hating the small town and being a bitch to everyone. Yes, her name is Blanca Champion.

The crew, which somehow ends up being like 10 people, all start dying off (duh!?!?). So who did it? Do you really care? Fuck does it matter? Everybody's potentially the killer! Ooooh, the suspense! Like all horror movies like this, whoever ends up dying isn't the killer, so theoretically, the suspense should increase as we approach the awesome reveal at the end. Alas, you can probably guess who did it, if you actually gave it some thought while watching (which I didn't).

Strangely enough, there were no black characters in this. Yup, all-white cast mother fucker! That's pretty shocking in a horror movie of this ilk. No rapper turned actors here. Actually, I found it kinda refreshing. Less cliches is always a good thing. And that's coming from me. You know I love me some black movies.

Now so far, this review looks like I hated it, and from looking at IMDB, almost everybody else did. Well, the title, 'Killer Movie' is terrible. But actually, overall, this shit wasn't THAT BAD. The reason for that was, the movie never took itself seriously. The characters are all pretty self-aware. Now I know self-aware movies are all the rage and by now have become pretty played out. But here, the characters do it without appearing snarky, which I personally appreciate. We don't need a generation of Junos. This movie was short, fun, and almost completely forgettable. Aint nothing wrong with that. The ending though, is so mind-numbing stupid, it's almost offensive. However, I can probably forgive that. It's not like we're gonna see a 'Killer Movie 2' (or at least I hope not).

Alright, on to the important stuff. Gore aka (Gore-ipedia): OK, well, the visual quality, as I said before was top notch, but unfortunately, that didn't really translate to the kill scenes. This flick was filmed in 21 days, so maybe there was no time for a good gore effects guy? Too bad. What we did have was: the hot-ass Meester gets decapitated by barbed wire (awful special effect there), some girl gets table sawed, lesbian gets hung by a chain, meat clever to some guy's chest, slacker gets arm severed (laughably bad effect), other lesbian gets garden shear-ed, and some poor bastard gets his throat slit pretty good. The slasher character is lame. He wears a hoody and a Jabberwocky mask. And he runs (frequently). Ho-hum stuff mostly in this department.

T&A aka (Nude-ipedia): God damn it. Alright, so I had come to accept that the lovely Leighton Meester wouldn't get naked. But nothing? At all? Seriously? The closest we get is some bra and panties in a simulated lesbian sex scene (it sounds a lot better than it was, very PG13). The next closest we get is Leighton Meester riding an ATV (and my overactive imagination). Overall, it wasn't a great cast in terms of 'hot girls I'd appreciate seeing naked' anyway, so maybe no huge loss. But in a shit horror movie like this, you'd still hope for at least one 'strong sexual content'. I was really looking forward to seeing some spectacular blu-ray tits. I guess that will have to wait to when I review some blu-ray pornography. Of course, that will be sure to happen when jadedviewer.com switches over from horror to a harcore-XXX review format later in the year.

WTF moment: One funny ass moment that I'm sure the director was in on when they wrote it. Zack Morris-looking guy is looking for the killer in the woods (kudos for proactively trying to attack the slasher, good shit). So, Zack accidentally steps into a bear trap! His reaction? He grimaces. He acknowledges the pain. But no biggie. Mind you, he just stepped in a fucking BEAR TRAP! Instead of a massive compound fracture, he experiences some mild discomfort. Later, he is freed (off-camera), and looks just fine, thank you. Small stain on his jeans, a slight limp (like if your leg fell asleep). A BEAR TRAP! Good times. They make a great self-referential joke about it during the 'crazy credits'.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

So, in closing, Killer Movie, was for the most part, just another generic horror movie. However, for some reason, I found myself strangely enjoying it. Maybe it was the super low expectations. Or maybe, it was the 5 minutes of the lovely Meester. Or maybe, the fact that I actually found myself liking most of the characters (very rare occurrence in slashers). Whatever it was, it's the best horror movie I've seen in 2010! So, if you can get your hands on this movie for free, or via download, or if you just got $10.99 burning a hole in your pocket. Or if you have a hunger, that only a faux reality show horror comedy can satiate, then, damn it, go see Killer Movie. You could do a lot worse, ....

Rating:

1/2

Check out the trailer below.

Labels: 2009 horror dvd, 2009 horror movies, blu-ray, gore, gratuitous nudity, killer movie, leighton meester, reality tv satire, slasher films, splatter

Posted by the jaded viewer at 11:00 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Sick Girl

Sick Girl (2009)

Directed by Eben McGarr

The anticipation I had for Sick Girl is easily documented. The PSA trailer is black humor genius. So it was my assumption we'd get the same tone for the movie. We'd see a sadistic serial killer, with a dark sense of humor killing for illogical reasons and ending in a pinnacle of extreme violence.

Well sometimes what you think in your head comes out way cooler than what you see in the movie.

Sick Girl does have moments of gore and splatter that gorehounds would vote in the sick shit Hall of Fame. Izzy is easily one of the most demented serial killers ever to come to life on film. Her acts of brutality are so shocking it's hard to put in words (don't worry I'll try). But that's the extent of wow factor. The story, the characters and the acting are a little boring and the ending a little blah.

So what does this all equal? Sick Girl accomplishes what it set out to do. Make you wince, make you sick and definitely makes you feel uncomfortable.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Sick Girl is the story of Izzy, a girl that wants to protect her little brother, bang her older brother and torture everyone else out in the barn. Izzy is raising her younger brother, Kevin, by herself.

Their parents are deceased and her older brother, Rusty, (who she has incestuous fantasies about), is away in the Marines. When Izzy learns that her little brother is being bullied at school, she does what any unstable, psychopathic, homicidal sister (with no impulse control) would do.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Let's get the inevitable comparisons out of the way. Sick Girl closely resembles Eric Stanze's Scrapbook which is the pinnacle of indie horror fuckedupness. It's serial killing, done in Rural Town, USA and the mundane turning insane.

Shot on video and armed with a shoestring budget McGarr shows us the simple story of Izzy (short for Isabella) and her life when she's sane and her life when she's insane. The tragedy here is Sick Girl is like 65% normal life, and 35% looney tunes. As a jaded viewer, I've seen shit most people would think warrants prison. So if McGarr's first feature is designed to shock, he's got to get over that 50% threshold of amping his movie with 1 and half hour energy drink of fuckedupness.

Sick Girl almost plays out like a porn movie. Think of this as "Gorn". Each normal scene sets up a scene of pure, uncensored torturous gore and splatter. As much as you'd like to fast forward and get to the good stuff, you feel the need to watch the set up. I mean technically it's not necessary but for horror, its best to know the motivation for the kill scenes.

So what do we see when Izzy isn't maiming and going all Jigsaw?

Izzy has flashbacks of her brother training on some kung fu
Izzy tickles and plays with her little brother
Izzy visit's her brother's teacher
Izzy has Christmas gift exchange with her brother and her late father's best friend Barney
Izzy rides with a stranger who gives her a lift
Izzy has flashbacks of her late brother and his GF

As much as these scenes are suppose to give us some insight into Izzy's head...it actually doesn't do shit. We all know Izzy is mentally unstable and we, the viewer are here to see her be mentally unstable. Its like watching a movie that's designed to shock and punch you mentally in the face nards. So what are these WTF moments that closely resemble gorn?


Read on gorn-hounds!

Izzy pees on a nun
Izzy slits a dude's throat
Izzy goes postal on a school bus
Izzy kisses her brother (incest alert!)
Izzy makes a tweeny boy kill his BFFs (by making him drown and stab them)
Izzy holds survivors hostage in a barn
Izzy smashes tweeny bully's head with a sledgehammer
Izzy makes the hostages pee in a bucket
Izzy breaks tweeny boy's arm and dresses him as a Christmas tree
Izzy castrates a dude
Izzy rapes a girl with dude's castrated penis (yeah you read that right)

So like seeing an orgy of flesh, we see an orgy of death. And I'm not going to lie, it's truly disturbing to witness such depravity and uber violence especially coming from Izzy. Which goes to say something about Leslie Andrew's performance. At times, the dialogue she recites sounds like a 3rd grade play, at other times she delivers lines that amp up and portray a very disturbed Manson like killer. The times we do see what was promised by the PSA trailer of trademarked black humor, is the time Andrew's performance generates some comfortable ha ha's and LOLs. She's got that Ellen Page Hard Candy look that can make you fall in love. A hooded sweatshirt, short hair can only equal somebody who is a sadistic little monster and for some unknown reason it's slightly infatuating. Izzy's little brother Kevin (Charlie Trepany) does a decent job playing the lovable innocent as does Barney (John McGarr) who plays a pseudo father figure to both Barney and Izzy.

But whereas indie shock horror goes beyond the usual torture porn is when we sense the motives of the slasher are developed. I can watch the movie 2-3 more times and I still wouldn't understand why Izzy has gone all ballistic (though at the end, some reason is given). Did she snap? Is she reveng-ing everybody who she hates or has ridiculed her and her family? Does she hate the Marines? Does she hate farm animals? Trust me, it's not clear at all.

Sick Girl is gorn at its finest. But an awesome movie it is not. It falls right in place in the middle and as much as I tried to find something that could give it a better "ooomph" in the spinkick department, I could not. I mean when was the last time you went, "that sex scene in that porno is awesome...I gotta share this with others." See what I mean?

Sick Girl is mock and shock movie that purees mundane Americana and unrelenting violence into a cocktail of visual splatter overdrive. Eben McGarr is clearly going to not make a movie as insane as this, I'm hoping he doesn't. But the one thing Sick Girl has accomplished, it's making sure you feel dirty after watching it.

Just like porn.

Gore-ipedia

See Izzy's list of torture

Nude-ipedia

It's not porn..it's gorn!

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Straight out of Synapse Films, Sick Girl is now out on DVD. It's also available on Amazon.com. Check out the MySpace site for more info.

If you are a fringe fan of extreme horror, I'd say go watch Sick Girl. It would definitely be a movie that would be traded for back before DVDs and the Interwebs. I would even go as far to say that it may reach cult classic status like Scrapbook has.

The MySpace site has a nice interview with Leslie Andrews which is definitely worth a listen.

So in conclusion, if you don't feel like porn, watch some gorn. And Sick Girl is the perfect movie for it.

Rating:

Check out the trailers.

Sick Girl "Thank You For Not Talking" PSA

Teaser Trailer




The Trailer



Tags:
sick girl, sick girl trailer , sick girl review , 2009 horror movies, leslie andrews, 2009 horror dvd, splatter movies, horror blog

Labels: gore, gratuitous nudity, incest death squad, juno, sick girl, sick girl psa trailer, sick girl teaser, sick girl trailer

Posted by the jaded viewer at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

The Hills Run Red

The Hills Run Red (2009)

Directed by Dave Parker

The Hills Run Red got the hype treatment within the horror universe this year. It's premise, it's sleek grindy slasher and Sophia Monk wearing nothing should be enough to equal yayness and approval from us fans. For me, it equals more of a mix bag of donuts. Sure you get your oozing jelly filled, and your chocolate yuminess. But you also get your over done elaborate, sprinkled Boston cremes and some other exotic new flavors that catch your eye. Yeah, it looks pretty but it doesn't taste that good.

Well that's The Hills Run Red. It looks good from the outside but when you dig in, it's not as delicious as you thought it would be.

I think I've got you hungry right? Lets dig in shall we?

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A group of young horror fans go searching for a film that mysteriously vanished years ago but instead find that the demented killer from the movie is real, and he's thrilled to meet fans who will die gruesomely for his art.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

At points within the movie, I got really conflicted. I was teetering that this would be 3 spinkicks, then it dropped to 1 spinkick, then to 2 spins, then 2 and a half. I've haven't been this confused trying to rate a film in a while. I usually know exactly the rating I'm going to give during the film and by the end, it's sold. So its surprising to what I settled on for this one. But as you can see below, my string of thoughts sorta went in different directions.

Here's are my thought bubbles during the movie.

• Sophia Monk is hot
• OMG! Sophia Monk is naked...making her mega hotter
• The other female star in the movie is naked too!
• This trailer of the movie within this movie looks awesome!
• Tyler, our main character is kinda a lame, horror-core fan
• Well, Sophia Monk is naked again
• Tyler's friends are also big douches..I hope they die
• Oh oh, this is turning out to be a filmmakers go to the woods and get attacked by cannibal rednecks, then attacked by a real slasher
• Babyface, our slasher has got some top notch kill skills
• Holy shit! A women got torn in two by a tree contraption
• Hmmm. I think the fake grindhouse movie in this movie is probably better than the actual movie itself (make sense?)
• It's a gratuitous chase scene!
• WTF! Is this Saw?
• Sophia Monk is naked again...and I never get tired of looking at her.
  
• Oh man I predicted that twist 30 minutes ago
• Wow, this is lots of pretentious dialogue about movie making
• Yup, another twist...saw that one coming 15 minutes ago
• Ewwww. Babyface looks yucky
• Yeah! A scene during the credits...this will be awes....errr....well thats just dumb
  

If you've seen the movie, you'll understand exactly what I'm talking about. For peeps who haven't seen it, lets get into a review.

Tyler and his filmmaking cohorts decide to make a documentary of The Hills Run Red, a slasher film that has reached urban legend status. Seems the only remnants of the film left are a trailer, a few posters and Alexa, daughter of the director Wilson Wyler Concannon (William Sadler).

After Tyler meets Alexa (the always naked Sophia Monk), a stripper who guides the group to the locations of the movie. Joined by his GF Serena and best friend Lalo, they go off to the woods and go Blair Witching. The movie is interspliced with scenes from the unfinished grindhouse movie. The movie is about Babyface, a bumpkin schmunkin who tore up his face to something about his mom. I forget exactly how it went.

The characters are actually a little irritating to say the least with Alexa being the most interesting. Tyler is your Heather-type (from BWP) so dedicated to making his documentary, he turns down sexual relations from Alexa and his girlfriend (What the freakin fuck? I think he's gay..seriously dude?). Serena, his GF is dedicated and even at one point during the movie she seemed to go into a She-Ra, Princess of Power transformation changing into a standard Final Girl tanktop. Lalo is just victim fodder.

But it's Alexa, who creates the most memorable character in The Hills Run Red. A stripper, a drug addict and a vixen to the slickest proportions. Sophia Monk plays her character, right up to the end of the movie in a top notch, juicy sexpot sorta way. Brains and breasts as I always say.

Oddly enough, the film also becomes Skynet self aware. The characters go over rules of how to survive a "we're lost in the woods attacked by locals" horror movie and many of the film within a film references are slightly clever and a wink to the audience. There is something about finding a long lost film and the repercussions of it. Many scenes are set up where you think good guys defeat bad guys. But then you get a 360 into something else. I can't say its cool, more a little confusing.

But this new age of millennium slashers inducts Babyface into its fraternity. He's a formidable mountain man slasher who can use a variety of weapons to kill kill kill. Like Chromeskull in Laid to Rest, he's got a style and backstory that's unique. His daddy and mommy would be proud.

Parker and crew have a made a decent slasher movie that flips things upside down, fulfills your gratuitous nudity meter, got a somewhat interesting plot and has kills that will make gorehounds rejoice. It's also got some uneven twizzler twists, hipsters playing horror intellectuals and some self referencing dumbness.

So what do you got after you watch The Hills Run Red? 2 spinkicks. It's a fitting rating for a decent film that is like a bite of jelly and a bite of glazed. It may not live up to the hype its gotten but I can say I wasn't bored. American runs on blood and donuts.

Nude-ipedia

C'mon now. How many times do I gotta say Sophia Monk is 100% naked in this?
Gratuitous secondary character sex scene boobage

Gore-ipedia

Face trauma
Ax to the head
Decaps
Stomach trauma
Sliced and dice tummies
Mummified corpses
Gunshot trauma
Gut wrenching gore
Women torn in half
Various mutilation kills
Various stabbing weapon kills
Lots of head bashing

WTF moment

The twist after the twist

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

The Hills Run Red is available now on DVD via Amazon.com. I think many of the horror sites agree with my review that the movie is a mixed bag. Though some reviews have a love or hate it sorta opinion. I tried to not go into much of the plot of the movie because giving a way too much would affect your viewing.

But your reading this review because you want to know if Sophia Monk is naked in it right? So rest assured the answer is yes.

Rating:

Check out the trailer.

Labels: 2009 grindhouse movies, 2009 horror dvd, gore, gratuitous nudity, slasher films, sophie monk naked, splatter, the hills run red, the hills run red trailer

Posted by the jaded viewer at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

It's been a while since a featured some crazy Japanese splatter and gore flick. But if there is one to point out, it has to be from the mind of Kengo Kaji, who wrote Toky Gore Police (full review here). Here he wrote and directs Samurai Princess which is just more insanity and gore (with effects from Yoshihiro Nishimura) and starring Aino Kishi and Mihiro, two Japanese AV stars (thats Japanese porn stars for the uninitiated)

With porn stars in the lead...do I really need to actually give you plot? OK, see below.

When 11 of her friends are raped and murdered, leaving the Samurai Princess (adult video star Aino Kishi) the only survivor, she becomes infused with her comrades' souls. Transformed into an android, she sets out to avenge their deaths. Dai Mizuno co-stars as the princess's human partner in this Kengo Kaji-directed gore fest that features breast grenades, detachable chainsaw limbs, deadly guitar riffs and more.

Check out the trailer below. The DVD comes out November 17th.





Well now that's over with, I know you wanna see pictures of boobies right?

Labels: aino kishi, gore, japan av stars, japan av stars nude, mihiro, samurai princess, samurai princess trailer, splatter, splatter gore, tokyo gore police

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

I'm a sucker for horror movies where the plot is the search for snuff or some dastardly sick horror movie that nobody has ever seen.

But after seeing the trailer for The Hills Run Red, we may get another course in this subgenre of horror. There has been a reemergence in vintage, slasher flicks with Laid to Rest being the best of the bunch. But this flick follows the tried and true formula of hiking teenagers, gratuitous nudity, an unkillable masked slasher and tons of gore and splatter. The buzz and hype for The Hills Run Red has been maxed out with appearances by Dave Parker and Sophie Monk (who goes full frontal in THRR) at SDCC.

The hype has been shockingly positive.

Here be the plot:

The story centers on a film fanatic whose obsession with finding a complete print of an infamous slasher movie leads him and two friends into the backwoods where the film was shot. They realize too late that filming never ended -- and now they must survive a nightmarish onslaught or become part of the movie forever.

The movie comes out on DVD September 29th via Warner Premiere.

Check out the teaser trailer below.

Labels: 2009 horror dvd, 2009 horror trailers, gore, slasher films, snuff, sophie monk naked, splatter, the hills run red, the hills run red trailer

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Header

Header (2006)

Directed by Archibald Flancranstin

What is a header?

Oh that's the big question that everybody asks and no one wants to give the answer to.

And you're not going to get anything out of me in this review.

Because if you are going to watch this movie, you need to see it for yourself, through virgin eyes. Because after seeing Header, I can honestly say I felt like I was covered in filth and vomit. And that's actually a good thing.

I call myself the jaded viewer because I believe I've seen everything and am too jaded for anything that could shock the shit out of me. Well, Header shocked the shit out of me. And that's saying something.

With the remake system churning out grindhouse homages left and right and Saw and Hostel still assembly line producing torture porn, it's the indie horror scene that goes back to the basics. They bring to life an infamous Edward Lee novella, complete with Edward Lee and Jack Ketchum cameos, supply the most grotesque, sick, most fucked up hillbilly revenge scenario and have the main character, ironically an ATF agent be the pro or anti tagonist depending on the scene.

It equals to one of the best modern day grindhouse movies I've ever seen.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

HEADER portrays the grueling psychological journey taken by ATF Agent Stewart Cummings. On the surface, Stewart struggles to solve a string of bizarre murders, but in secret, his life falls into a world of corruption that's impossible to escape. Deceit, rape, and murder spiral out of control triggering a hellish conclusion that defies description.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Before watching this movie, I read some reviews from other horror sites. The one thing everybody made sure of was NOT to divulge what a header is. And I won't either. It's to be discovered over the course of the movie, but I will say you find out early on.

The thing about Header is that it's as repulsive as advertised. I'm not advocating everybody see this atrocity come to life but I have to put it in the echelon of the most disturbing movies ever made (this list has some good ones in it). Like Nekromantik or Henry or Cannibal Holocaust, these are movies that live in infamy due to their content. Header, given a few years and a Synapse Films release will soon be joining that infamy.

The funny part is the movie as a whole is actually very interesting and when you get past the header, it's actually funny in that 'sploitation sorta way. It's the other stuff that makes it all super duper 70s 42nd Street awesomerific.

So what's the other stuff? Well we get to follow corrupt ATF agent Cummings. He's patrolling the backwoods of West Virginia (advice: never ever visit West Virginia) and he's got some serious problems. His GF is sick as a dog and he's up shit's creek in medical bills. To make up for it, he using his federal powers to help some drug runners.

Set on a parallel timeline is the story of Travis Clyde Tuckton. A recently released prisoner, he's the redneck hillbilly we all believe live in West Virginia. He joins his "grand pappy" who's got a little Hatfields and McCoys in him. Soon these feuds end up with dead girl bodies and both our main antagonists meet in a most fucked up scenario (and yes it involves a header).

Header is filled with redneck hillbillies, corrupt cops, cracker whores and every sort of backwards mentality you can think of. It has that "Fight for Your Life" feel to it in a sense of that southern twang. Add some top notch gore and splatter, some tolerable acting and a landscape of the backwoods of redneckville and you got yourself a self made moonshine of grindhouse glory.

Flancranstin does a great job of blending all this together and from the production took a hell of a long time to finish. The actors are all pretty descent in this, from Jake Suffian as Agent Cummings to Elliot Kotek as Tuckton. Though the performance of Dick Mullaney as Grandpap Jack was scary as a minority at a KKK bonfire. Don't mess with this old man.

Header is the best underground horror movie of the 21st century. Back in the day, you would have to go to a horror convention and buy a dubbed 3rd generation VHS tape of these pinnacle underground horror flicks. These days, you can torrent it and I just found out it's going to be on Netflix. In any case, Synapse has put it on DVD.

If you decide to cowboy up and watch Header, you are a fuckin sicko. A disturbed, fucked up individual. And in doing so, you will be initiated into the elite club of having seen one of the most fucked up films ever made. Welcome to the club.


Gore-ipedia

Headers (like lots of em)
Gunshot leg trauma
Shot to the head (x2)

Nude-ipedia

Victim boobies

WTF moment

Duh. When I found out what a header was.
The ending (it was twisty and fuckin fitting)

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Header is available now on DVD via Synapse Films. Order it if your man enough. For more teaser and full trailers head to the official site and the MySpace site.

Header is the most brutal, atrocious, f*** up movie I've seen in a while. It brings the glory days of grindhouse back from the dead and does it with a vengeance. They say revenge is a dish best served cold.

Well not in Header it isn't.


Rating:

1/2

Check out a couple of teaser trailers.

Teaser Trailer #1





Teaser Trailer #2





Teaser Trailer #3








Tags:
header, header review , what is a header , edward lee writer, gratuitous nudity, jack ketchum, 2009 horror movies dvd, grindhouse movies,exploitation movie, rednecks, west virginia, header teaser trailer, header synapse,

Labels: 2009 horror dvd, 70s grindhouse movies, edward lee, exploitation film, gore, hard revenge, header, header review, hillbillies, jack ketchum, rednecks

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Home Sick

Home Sick (2007)

Directed by Adam Wingard

I first heard about Adam Wingard and E.L. Katz when I first viewed Wingard's short Laura Panic. It starred this hot Scarlet Johansson lookalike Hannah Hughes and I was entrenched by the short short too short story.

So of course I IMDBed Wingard and saw he'd directed two flicks, this one and Pop Skull.

We here at the jaded viewer told you about this flick in July of last year. Well I finally got around to watching it.

It seems Home Sick went on a horror festival run and from what I've read from the horror-sphere people dug the flick tremendously. Standing at a solid 90 minutes, we've got a stallar cast of Chiller regulars. The horror queen herself, Tiffany Shepis, Bill fuckin Moseley and Tom Towles.

So what's the hyperpalooza over Home Sick. Home Sick is a macabre dream come to life, acting by actors who should not be acting and buckets and buckets of gore.

It's the splatter that stands out far above the rest of the film (other than Tiffany Shepis's perky, voloptuous breasts).

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A maniac with a suitcase full of razorblades unleashes a super human killer upon a group of kids in a small Alabama town. They must take up arms with a insane Chili enthusiast if they want to survive.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Home Sick seemed like a flick made by a group of friends/horror regulars in Jersey over the weekend while they were attending a Chiller or Fango Weekend of Horrors convention. Seemed like the director was like "Who wants to make a movie?" It just has that feel of almost video maybe this could be film sorta feel. It's extremely low budget, but the effort to please the horror-core is ever present.

A cast of horror fan minions all attend a party. Who are these fresh fodder soon to be victims?

1.) Crazy gun happy redneck (this dude is the worst actor I've ever seen)
2.) Some Munster looking kid
3.) Tiffany "looking damn gothy yummy" Shepis
4.) Hipster looking dude
5.) Final Girl girl

A man carrying a suitcase of razorblades named Mr. Suitcase (Bill Moseley) crashes the party and starts demanding to know who everybody hates. As they tell him he cuts his arms with razorblades. Who the fuck knows why but to push the non existent plot along, this initiates everybody they name to be killed.

After getting that pesky plot outta the way, all the successive scenes are set up death scenes of various people. The hated get arms cut off, intestines spillage, hacked in the head, etc.

It's the top notch, anti CGI gore that is full of hip hip hooray. The effects are brilliant and well executed by our masked demon killer. The makeup is also to be applauded. Stellar effects in both gore and splatter.

The craziest scene has gotta to be a topless Tiffany Shepis rolling around in blood, laughing evilishly. If I could put this scene in the WTF Moment Hall of Fame, I would induct it immediately.

That's the good yip for Home Sick.

What's the arghhhh?

Well aside from Shepis and Moseley and the gore, everything else falls apart. Some of the actors seem to be improvising their lines...badly. This is not Tara Reid acting bad. Or Uwe Boll acting bad. This was cardboard cut out acting bad. I really wanted Keyboard cat to play these bad actors off.

Adding to the horribleness is Tom Towles as Uncle Johnny, a crazed Confederate gun toting old redneck geezer who the remaining survivors go to for help. A scene where the group eats chili seemed to be 10 min of filler.

The flick also suffers from being so dreamlike, it's definitely entering Herschell Gordon Lewis territory. It's almost like a Gregg Araki-ish horror flick combining a bizarro world with a slasher flick.

Home Sick is slightly above any other indie horror flick as the gore and splatter are in a stratosphere of awesomness. Add in Tiffany Shepis and a creepy Bill Moseley it jump ups a few notches on the horror belt. But it's still amateurish for Wingard's first feature which brings this flick down to Earth.

Experimentism in my horror I can take to a point. But overall, it's worth a look for the inner gorehound in you.

Gore-ipedia

Knife to the mouth
Sliced feet trauma
Ax to the head trauma
Heavy intestine trauma
Fingernail trauma
Split body trauma
Beheadings (x2)
Shotgun blast to the stomach trauma
Gunshot to the head trauma
Punch to the face trauma
Shotgun blast to the head trauma

Nude-ipedia

Tiffany Shepis A+ Boobs

WTF moment

More Tiffany Shepis giggling, vomiting and rolling around in blood....naked.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Wingard would follow up with Pop Skull which according to some is hit or miss. I wouldn't mind if Laura Panic turned up as his next feature. For Home Sick, if you get into the mindset that your watching this at a Chiller convention with other horror fanatics, you'll dig it. You'll need a few beers in you to get some laughs but it's been a while since I rewound some death scenes for multiple viewings.

Synapse films is distributing the DVD with a bunch of extras and some shorts.

Rating:

Check out the trailer.











Tags:
home sick, home sick review , home sick trailer , synapse films, gratuitous nudity, tiffany shepis naked, 2008 horror movies, top gore splatter movies,horror movie 2008, zombies,

Labels: gore, home sick, home sick review, home sick trailer, splatter, tiffany shepis, tiffany shepis naked

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Sometimes you can watch a trailer and not think anything of it. Perusing Terrorfeed, I scanned a trailer for Babysitter Wanted. It seem like your run of the mill slash and dash but I did more research as it stars the hot Sarah Thompson (she was Eve on Angel) and it has Nana Visitor (Kira Nerys! from Star Trek: DS9) as well as Bill fuckin Moseley.

Shockingly, from all the reviews I glanced at the horrorsphere is claiming this is an actually rockstar horror of a movie. Hmmmm....now I'm going to have to watch this. Check out the trailer below.





Doesn't seem just blah? Check back for a review in a few days.

Labels: 2008 horror dvd, 2009 horror trailers, babysitter wanted, babysitter wanted trailer, bill moseley, gore, nana visitor, sarah thompson, slasher films, splatter

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

I'd have to say my college years represented the golden era of when I watched horror movies religiously. I would scour the interweb looking for the most fucked up goriest horror movies ever made.

So it's pretty fitting that I'd came across German goremeister Andreas Schnaas' Violent Shit trilogy and got hooked by the amounts of gore and splatter a little indie movie could hold.

Schnaas has made a few others, most notably Nikos the Impaler and his newest horror opus Don't Wake the Dead.

But in his new movie he joins with a new German horror auteur Timo Rose to co-direct a splatter film the likes we've all haven't seen before.

So what happens when these 2 join forces?

We get Unrated.

From the looks of the trailer, we're going to get some fucked up slashers as well as supple amounts of gratuitous nudity. Good times.

Slashers with names like "Death Trooper", "Templar", "Succubus", "HellHound", "Melting Man", "Fat Zombie", "Slice Face" and "Ragnator".

I can't wait for this. Kudos for the heads up and trailer from Fangoria.

Check out the trailer below.

Labels: andreas schnaas, german horror, german splatter, german zombies, gore, splatter gore, timo rose, underground splatter, violent shit

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

It's been a weird week this week. I've been lacking time to review anything though I did receive something in the mail today that made me laugh. I'll probably detail that next week. In the mean time, for the rest of the week I'll be posting some trailers you may have missed via the horror grapevine.

First up, Yoroi: Samurai Zombie trailer.

Directed by Tak Sakaguchi and written by Versus/Azumi/Midnight Meat Train director Ryûhei Kitamura this is one hell of a flick.

A family, a bunch of crooks and cops and the undead. Has that Versus-feel would gratuitous arterial spraying.

And monsters!

What's not to love.

Check out the trailer below.





It will be premiering at the New York Asian film festival this June. Thanks to Fangoria for the heads up.

Labels: arterial spraying, gore, ryuhei kitamura, splatter, splatter gore, versus, yoroi samurai zombie, yoroi samurai zombie trailer, zombies

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Martyrs

Martyrs (2008)

Directed by Pascal Laugier

Well that wasn't what I was expecting.

After avoiding all the reviews and hype, I figured this was a classic run of the mill torture porn but taken to the ultimate extreme.

Boy was I wrong.

Martyrs has sort of created a new subgenre of horror. Uber-surreal torture-core.

Yeah I know what your saying. What the fuck is that?
Dude, I don't even know. But I can say this. This isn't torture porn like Saw or Hostel or any of the other "kill for the fun of it" horror.

It's a twisblended hybrid of the Argentoism, pure unrelenting grindy torture-core and horror taken to a transcendent level.

That's not to say I didn't have my gripes. It's almost pointless at times until you get to the end and figure what the whole thing is about. For 100 minutes, if you take the visceral challenge, you may have been a martyr yourself to a first. Uber-surreal torture-core horror.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

France. A night at the beginning of the 1970s.

Lucie, a little girl missing for over a year, is discovered wandering by the side of a country road.

Near catatonic, she can say nothing about what has happened to her. The cops quickly find the place in which she's been incarcerated - a disused slaughterhouse. Every indication is that she never once left the empty, freezing room in which she was imprisoned.

Filthy, starving, dehydrated, the child's body nonetheless bears no traces of sexual abuse - this was no paedophile abduction, but something far stranger.

What happened in that icy room? And how did Lucie escape?

Lucie is hospitalized - slowly she learns how to live again, an enfant sauvage gradually returning to the real world. In the hospital, she meets Anna, another little girl, and a victim of terrible abuse at the hands of her family. In no time, they are inseparable. Anna takes charge of Lucie, like a mother. As for her kidnappers, the police are at a dead end. Lucie's ordeal remains a terrible mystery.

One night, as Anna sleeps, Lucie hears an awful, rasping breathing. A vision appears: a body, naked, skeletal, tortured. Barely human. The apparition seizes her...

15 years later. A house, isolated in the middle of a forest. A family: Mum, Dad, two kids. A happy home. As they eat breakfast, there's a knock at the door. The father opens it to find a young woman, hollow-eyed and wraithlike and mad. In her hands, a rifle. "Remember the little girl I once was?" She shoots him where he stands, enters the house, and locks the door...

Minutes later, the family lie bloody. All dead. Lucie calls Anna, who tells her not to move, she'll be right there. In shock, Lucie hangs up. And then she hears it. That terrible, terribly familiar breathing...

Awesome Review-O-Matic

If you've seen Inside or Frontiere(s) or even Haute Tension, you know the French may be squeamish when it comes to war but not in their horror movies.

It be best to break this down like Kool Aid minutes. "Oh Yeah!"

!!!SPOILERS BELOW!!!

The first 35......

The movie starts off in pure insanity as we see a teen Lucie escape from her abductors. We see a childhood friendship develop between the victimized Lucie and her new BFF Anna.It seems our baddies haven't been caught by the cops and poor Lucie is having nightmares of the monsters she left behind.

Fast forward to 15 years later and our French girls are now French foxes. And BOOM! like a mushroom cloud we get carnage. Lucie believes she's found those mofo's that tortured her.

Lucie is blasting Dad, mom, Peter Brady and Jan to kingdom come with a freakin shotgun. It's insane first few minutes.

I've never seen such bloody crassness in a while. Lucie goes all child-a-cide killing little swimmer Jan. It's so brutal, you may feel sick. But this is the new wave, and the Rottweiler French horror has gone postal. The beginning is pure mystery, Scooby Doo-ey in a way. Questions are raised. Who abducted and tortured poor Lucie? Is she sure this normal Brady bunch family did it? What is this thing chasing after her?

The next 35........

As Lucie gets bombarded by her dreammares, she starts to self mutilate herself. She starts to slice her arms, back and hand via figments of her torture-verse. Meanwhile, Anna starts to doubt Lucie's saneness and starts to Reservoir Dogs the mess thats been made by cleaning up bodies and calming Lucie the fuck down.

But Lucie has gone cuckoo and slits her throat.

Later, have a brief mourn Anna finds a hidden compartment and works her way down to a lab of horrors. She finds a deprived, almost corpselike body of a woman who she attempts to heal. But shits too late for her.

These scenes are like Lynchian and surreal blocks of fuckedupness. The woman is naked and scarred and has a device that has been nailed to her head that blinds her. It's almost like a death piece of art. The one thing most people have agreed upon is that it's breathtaking to see these images on screen. Nothing, and I mean nothing will prepare you for this level of sheer horror.

But I've always said, if I have not seen it before, that's a plus. And if it works within the boundaries of the film, then the amplification goes off the scale.

This all comes crashing down as our poor medievaled victim is blown away by the abductors.

The last 35........

Now Anna is told the experiment into martyrdom by an old lady. It seems the religious are not the only ones to experience the world of martyrdom.

And so begins the torture-core of Anna. It's by far a very difficult thing to watch. Almost bordering on the rape scene in Irreversible.

Anna is fed what looks to be pea soup, beaten constantly, forced to expel her self via a bucket and her head is shaved.

These constant fade ins and outs of Anna's torture are sick to the gut. If one can watch these 20 or so minutes, it's like a running a marathon of horror-core.

Though, how does one survive within the world of this film. She's lets herself go and accepts her fate. This is then leads to her torturers to skin her entire body except her face.

And in this act of letting go, she is the 4th to experience what the movie is about......

Seeing what lies after death.

Because as we are told, Martyr means to witness and that is what Anna becomes.

The thing about every torture porn like flick is you feel super duper empathy towards the victim. Every fiber in your being hopes the victim will go all Kill Bill and somehow escape and kill off the sicko killers. I had that inkling too. Maybe she would kill off these fucked up people and escape.

But that never happens....and seriously that's a good thing.

The whole point of Martyrs is to flip that shit upside down. The big bad evil at the end seems to have a religiously and scientific (sorta) reason of why they are doing this. It's not rich people or some old guy spewing out a "live your life" philosophy. Jigsaw is just evil and so are the wealthy Madoffs.

This world within Martyrs has cult like normals wanting to know what lay beyond. Does the end results justify the means?

Oh believe me, I still want all those people to get tortured and Abu Gharabed, but its almost Argento-y in a way where this insanity is logical.

This film isn't without its negatives. It paces way to long and drags and drags. It also destroys all logic (where the fuck are the police?) But the biggest gripe comes in that the torture that Lucie, Anna and the other victims go through seems pointless until the end. And even the revelation that this is an experiment into martyrdom and what lays beyond death is almost bordering on just being plain stupid.

Shit dude, this was the plot of Flatliners!

But it is a film thats spawned a new subgenre. Uber-surreal torture-core horror.

And that's an accomplishment.

Gore-ipedia

Shotgun blasts
Sliced arms
Shotgun blast to the head
Corpse walking art
LOTS AND LOTS of torture
Skinned alive

Nude-ipedia

I'm going to have to say tortured victim nudity doesn't count
Brief boobies from Anna

WTF moment

A skinned Anna witnessing

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Martyrs is not as good as Inside which to me for now is the pinnacle of all that is French horror. But its new progeny Martyrs, it's as good as advertised.

Be warned, it's not a movie with any semblance of plot, or an in depth look into characterology or any sort of "horror" kills.

It's something new and that should be something we all need to witness.

Rating:

Trailer:













Tags:
martys, martys trailer , martys official trailer , martys teaser trailer, french horror, inside, frontiere(s), gratuitous nudity, top horror movie 2008, cannes film festival, alexjando aja, horror blog

Labels: french film, french horror, gore, inside, martyrs, martyrs official trailer, martyrs review, splatter, splatter gore, torture porn

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post