a jaded viewer reviews the world of horror, splatter, gore, cult, grindhouse, trash, b-movie, erotica, indie, asian and exploitation films
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
The WTF List: Jennifer's Body
Well everybody has done regular reviews, screencap reviews, quotey quotable reviews of Jennifer's Body. But nobody has done a trademarked jaded viewer WTF List of this movie.
Honest to blog, thank the cheesy fries for me.
So here is The WTF List: Jennifer's Body Edition. Beware, I'm going all Buffy comparison in this list.
1.) OK, let's get it outta the way. She may look whorey, but Megan Fox is fuckin hot 2.) This movie is like an episode of Buffy. I mean they could be in Sunnydale and it totally feels the same way. Needy is Willow, Chip is Oz and Jennifer is a Cordelia/Buffy hybrid. 3.) Looking beyond her character, Amanda Seyfried is waaay hot too. Just had to get that outta the way 4.) Low Shoulder ain't no Dingoes Ate my Baby
5.) OK I chuckled during that "It's true. It's on Wikipedia" line 6.) OMG that's fuckin Screeching Weasel. Damn you Diablo Cody!!!! 7.) Victim #1 was a jock douchebag (yay), Victim #2 is a Hot Topic addict (double yay) 8.) How many people from Juno are in this? 9.) It's like Teeth but without the mutant hoohaa 10.) Gratuitous use of an homage to Evil Dead via a t-shirt 11.) Hot lesbian scene is super stimulating on a intellectual basis....ok I'll be right back. 12.) Back......wait not done yet. Now I'm back. 13.) The female natural cycle to sexual innuendo ratio is like 2:1. 14.) Really? Satanic rituals and succubi. You gotta love 3rd grade level horror. 15.) The big final fight scene was all tampons and eating disorder talk. Funny one liners should have lead to chick on chick violence. 16.) OK the chick on chick violence was horribly boring 17.) That ending was on Season 3, Episode 12...aspect of the demon. OMG, did Diablo Cody just watch all of Buffy to write this shit? 18.) Gratuitous use of Lance Henrickson....why I ask you why? 19.) The waterfall thing is kinda cool 20.) OK, now lets talk about the dialogue. Sure I know its too overly clever but the Diablo Cody speak is exactly the same as Whedon-logue. So I'm not going to say that the movie is bad because of this.
I like how the dialogue is populated with pop culture references, Internet lingo and cleverly cleverisms. Because I mean look how I write for blog's sake. I'm a true Whedon disciple and every since, I've started blogging and talking this way. I think it might be a severe disorder that I will have a press conference about one day.
In any case, final thoughts on Buffy's Body. The movie is heightened Diablo Cody for the prepackaged, T-Mobile Sidekick text happy MTV crowd. I liked it in that mindless horror mainstreaminess sorta way. We got cock teased with Megan Fox partial nudity, thought we'd get some decent monsters slaying and it promoted the soundtrack as best it could. Here's the simple calculus.
Cleverlogue + Megan Fox + demonology + tongue on tongue happy = Yay!
It's a horror comedy with LOLs and OMGs and FTWs. Sit back, relax and eat some green M&M's. You get 2 spinkicks Jennifer's Body.
I've been on an exploitation kick of sorts. Having seen Bitch Slap and singing the praises of Black Dynamite and Black Devil Doll, its been all 'sploitation all the time.
So after cheering the shit out of the other 3 movies above, where does this heavenly movie stand?
It's pretty solid.
Richard Griffin (who directed Splatter Disco and Beyond the Dunwich Horror) takes the campy premise of crime fighting nuns going all renegade and taking on the Mafia and makes it part Troma film, part exploitation homage and as politically incorrect as you can be.
It's totally goofy, totally over the top and totally nun-tastic!
When you watch Shock-o-rama films, you have to take a different perspective. It's DIY cinema. Sure there are budget limitations, its got B-level dialogue and the CGI is laughable. But you genuinely see the director, the crew and the actors all give it their best and sometimes, something miraculous happens.
You get a fun flick.
Boring Plot-O-Matic Sister Kelly Wrath has got a habit… of flying off the handle. After being gunned down in an alley, she ascends to heaven to receive training from some of the great figures of religious mythology. She is then set back to Earth to join the other members of the Order of the Black Habit, a group of supernatural vigilante nuns, as they fight evil and seek revenge against the mob. Awesome Review-O-Matic
Well you gotta give them credit, the nunsploitation genre of grindhouse flicks hasn't been tapped for a while. It was about time for a reboot. If you're a Catholic or God fearing Republican, you may have a heart attack after you see Nun of That. This ain't Sister Act.
So who are these nuns in the Order of the Black Habit?
Sister Wrath: She's a got temper like Jules and likes her women a la lesbo.
Sister Pride: She probably make Ellen her bitch
Sister Lust: Black mamba with a side of vengeance
Sister Gluttony: Food is her mortal sin
So after Sister Wrath is kicked from her convent, she ends up on the other side of the tracks, dispatches of some would be thugs and dies and meets the J-man. J-man goes all Mr. Miyagi and we get a gratuitous training montage where the following happens.....
She gets trained by Gandhi in the art of non violence violence
Sees J-man sing a musical number
Meets her guardian angel
After meeting her fellow sisters, they get down to business and start to kick ass. So whose ass are they kicking? Well there are a few baddies that need to be sent to hell. These include....
Big Mama (the mama kingpin)
Richie Corbucci (the #2)
Viper Goldstein (a Jewish assassin)
And various henchmen
So how do our vigilante nuns strike fear in the hearts of the criminal underground? Well with a 12 gauge shotgun and lots of ammunition. Various scenes of carnage include...
A massacre of justice at a strip club
A trip to an all nun bar called Bar-Nun
A final climactic battle at a whorehouse
It's B-level justice delivered in short bursts of hilarity. Standard gunshots to the head, torso and a few Jewish ninja stars all make this a very fun flick Jesus would be proud of. Sure you get your standard molesting priest, Jewish jokes, lesbo nuns and holy priests (get it?), but its all tongue and cheek and tongue on tongue (wink wink) fun.
This is actually the first Richard Griffin or Shock-o-rama film I've seen since Cannibal Campout and I thought I'd have a hard time diggin the B-level and Troma like humor. But the fact is, the Troma movies tend to grow on you (I mean Poultrygeist was freakin damn good) and here you get special appearances from Debbie Rochon and Lloyd Kaufman giving their stamp of approval.
So when you get in the mood to see mindless entertainment and want to see nuns kickin ass, Nun of That might be your prayers answered.
Gore-ipedia
Lots of gunshot trauma Nude-ipedia
You'd think we'd get lots of boobies, but Nun of That stays pretty clothed
WTF moment Viper Goldstein the Jewish assassin needs his own movie
The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis
You kinda know what to expect when your watching a movie like Nun of That. I found it totally turn off your brain good. I mean it's not as good as Black Devil Doll or the others I mentioned but it's not irritatingly bad as you'd think it would be.
Bitch Slap is an homage to those genres, ripe with T&A and some serious amounts of bitch slapping. You're not going to be intellectually stimulated by the film (though if you got the XY chromosome you'll be stimulated in another way). Let's make this simple and do the math here.
Hot looking hotties + high tech guns + cat fighting = WIN!
So a typical review would be pointless here. So I'm going to just answer the questions you have in your perverted little mind. Boring Plot-O-Matic
Three bad girls travel to a remote desert hideaway to steal $200 million in diamonds from a ruthless underworld kingpin.
Awesome Review-O-Matic
OK, I know my reviews tend to be long drawn out paragraphs. So for mass consumption intellect, here is a very easy to read Q&A review, one even George W. Bush could understand.
1.) Oh for the love of all that is nipples, just tell me already does any of the hot looking stars in the film get naked???
Sadly, no. Our 3 sexy vixens, Hel (Erin Cummings), Camero (America Olivo) and Trixie, the "Perfect 10" (Julia Voth) keep most of their clothes on (the few they are actually wearing).
In other words, these aren't the nipples you're looking for.
2.) I heard there is serious amounts of lesbianism, women on women sex, lots of boobie groping and even a montage of the 3 splashing water on each other in a climaxing slo mo. So it's a family movie right?
Oh most definitely. Yup, lots of Baywatch slo mo (director Rick Jacobsen is a Baywatch alum) of our trio acting uber slutty with closeups of their yummy parts. This all hits an apex when the 3 have a water fight dumping pails of water on their perfect looking bodies....ummm I'll be right back......
OK I'm back. There's also a hot scene of Trixie and Hel going all L Word on each other. Man oh man, I think I have my new favorite hottie in Julie Voth.
3.) I could just go and surf for porn or even watch some Skinemax for some hot chicks. So why should I watch this shit?
Well, because what porn and Skinemax don't have is serious amounts of bitch slapping and chick on chick violence. Fight choreographer Zoe Bell (from Tarantino's Death Proof) has designed the ultimate kick ass scenes for you to enjoy.
Not since Nada vs Frank in They Live has their been an uber fight scene that lasted for at least 10-15 minutes. And we just don't get one fight, we get 2!
4.) So who' s the big bad in all of this?
Plenty of enemies get the call including Road Warrior reject Hot Wire, his own GoGo Yubari Kinki and a mysterious Keyser Soze ultimate super villain of legend, Pinky.
5.) What the fuck dude? I heard there are a bunch of flashbacks to explain the plot in this. Can you explain because I get dizzy when that happens.
So to get to why they are in the middle of the desert searching for the diamonds, everybody's back story is told in flashbacks ranging from 6 months, to 3 days to 3 weeks. The flashbacks tell how everybody met and are quite the hoot.
Camaro in a convent taking advantage of nuns, Trixie is a stripper who using her assets to get the info she needs and Hel's got some government contacts and isn't who she says she is. Lots of hilarity ensues and its all kooky crazy.
6.) I heard there are a few cameos from people I know. Is Taylor Swift in this and if so, is she naked?
Sorry, I don't want to interrupt but Julie Voth got better boobs then you do. Yup, there are cameos. Kevin Sorbo makes a cameo as does Lucy Lawless as Mother Superior. If you watched Xena, Renee O'Connor makes an appearance as well as does Zoe Bell herself.
Also the midget prostitute from Total Recall (I shit you not)
7.) Can you check again if any of the stars got naked in this? C'mon maybe you missed a nipple slip.
Sorry no dude. But America Olivo got naked in Friday the 13th, so go watch that. On second thought, don't.
8.) I heard that the women in this movie are strong, powerful female characters who are not just beautiful but are also intelligent and evoke some feminist message about empowerment. Is this true?
**Wipes drool** Yeah sure. Whatever you say.
9.) So there's a twist right?
Yeah, even a monkey with a computer could figure out this twist.
10.) Is their enough to warrant a sequel so that I can see Julie Voth again?
Yup. Most definitely. We all want that.
If you have anymore questions, leave em in the comments below. Bitch Slap is total mindless B-movie fun. Sure it's like a strip club, all tease but no show (or touching in a sense) but it is very arousing and very stimulating.
Lots of punches to the face, high powered assault rifles, yo-yo's with razors attached to them and solid bitch slapping. It does get a little cheesy at times, where the characters are completely ACME cartoon cutouts or Skinemax parody movies. It really does feel like one of those Skinemax movies where the pseudo porn stars play secret agents or horny aliens looking for men to prey on.
But the thing about Bitch Slap is it actually feels like its a better quality of Skinemax. The 3 stars are decent actresses and make the laughable movie into something actually tolerable.
The best way to describe it is when your skimming through a copy of Maxim sometimes there's an article on some ex Green Beret special ops guy who killed like an army all by himself and you stop looking at the pics to read the article. Good article, awesome pictures.
WTF Moment
Gratuitous slo-mo water fight....Yes!
The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis
Bitch Slap had a limited run in the theaters and comes out on DVD March 2. It's one of those movies that the trailer made look so freakin awesome. Does it live up to the hype? Sorta. I mean it's got the best cleavage closeups I've seen in a while. Remember dude.
Hot looking hotties + high tech guns + cat fighting = WIN!
[this review is brought to you by Insano Steve who is back from the dead. Check out his other reviews and features in the right hand nav bar]
So, the jaded viewer asked me to review some movies for the site. Movies that he felt were so irredeemably bad, he could not physically review himself, citing fear for his health. Seeing that I'm pretty much the trash-TV expert, I figured I'd choose to do 'Killer Movie' because of it's reality show theme. And I was also looking to see something different than the usual horror crap. I'd say my tolerance for horror is pretty thin these days. You could say my viewing has become rather jaded (hey, see what I did there ...)
OK, the real reason I wanted to see this was:
It was on blu-ray, and I haven't watched any horror on the blu-ray yet.
The presence of hot-ass Leighton Meester (of Gossip Girl fame) in the film.
Let us delve into these items individually....
Boring Plot-O-Matic
A reality TV director copes with a spoiled celebutante and a show gone haywire when a masked killer starts bumping off the crew in this slasher-movie satire.
Awesome Review-O-Matic
Blu-Ray: What can I say? blu-ray is the shit. It's freaking awesome. As Ferris Bueller would say, if you have the means, I highly recommend picking one up. You really get your money's worth for your HDTV with these blu-ray movies. Now, it doesn't make the plot/acting any better mind you. But you can actually see the pores in the girl's faces when they close up! For older women, Damn, blu-ray's your worst nightmare. So, no complaints for visual quality here. Top notch.
The lovely hot-ass Leighton Meester: I've never actually watched the Gossip Girl (I guess because I'm neither 15 years old, nor female), but I've been made aware of the hotness of Leighton Meester through the interwebs. So, it was nice to actually see her 'work' (without having to hate myself later). Well, suffice it to say, her appearance is very brief, despite her name getting top billing on the blu-ray cover art. Damn you false advertising! The lovely Miss Meester is only in 2 scenes, with 1 scene just having her screaming and dying. For the first time ever, I was actually rooting for the victim. Don't kill her, she's too cute to die! Sigh. Anyhow, she is super hot. She actually looks a lot like Minka Kelly (before Derek Jeter ruined her). Hopefully she will be featured more prominently in future projects which will allow us to see more of her 'talent'
Ugh. So 10 minutes into the movie and the hot girl I'm watching the movie for is dead. Shit. What to do? I heroically pressed on and watched the other 70 minutes. The plot you say? Oh yeah, probably should have gotten to that by now. The story is about this Zack Morris-looking guy who is directing a reality show in North Dakota about a small town high school hockey team. It turns out though, as filming starts, a bunch of people in town start turning up dead (like the hot-ass Leighton Meester). The lesbian super-bitch producer decides to run with the murder angle instead of the hockey bullshit (practical decision). The subplot involves a diva actress, named Blanca Champion (played by the not quite hot Kaley Cuoco), following Zach Morris around, in an attempt to learn about directing. Predictably, Blanca ends up hating the small town and being a bitch to everyone. Yes, her name is Blanca Champion.
The crew, which somehow ends up being like 10 people, all start dying off (duh!?!?). So who did it? Do you really care? Fuck does it matter? Everybody's potentially the killer! Ooooh, the suspense! Like all horror movies like this, whoever ends up dying isn't the killer, so theoretically, the suspense should increase as we approach the awesome reveal at the end. Alas, you can probably guess who did it, if you actually gave it some thought while watching (which I didn't).
Strangely enough, there were no black characters in this. Yup, all-white cast mother fucker! That's pretty shocking in a horror movie of this ilk. No rapper turned actors here. Actually, I found it kinda refreshing. Less cliches is always a good thing. And that's coming from me. You know I love me some black movies.
Now so far, this review looks like I hated it, and from looking at IMDB, almost everybody else did. Well, the title, 'Killer Movie' is terrible. But actually, overall, this shit wasn't THAT BAD. The reason for that was, the movie never took itself seriously. The characters are all pretty self-aware. Now I know self-aware movies are all the rage and by now have become pretty played out. But here, the characters do it without appearing snarky, which I personally appreciate. We don't need a generation of Junos. This movie was short, fun, and almost completely forgettable. Aint nothing wrong with that. The ending though, is so mind-numbing stupid, it's almost offensive. However, I can probably forgive that. It's not like we're gonna see a 'Killer Movie 2' (or at least I hope not).
Alright, on to the important stuff. Gore aka (Gore-ipedia): OK, well, the visual quality, as I said before was top notch, but unfortunately, that didn't really translate to the kill scenes. This flick was filmed in 21 days, so maybe there was no time for a good gore effects guy? Too bad. What we did have was: the hot-ass Meester gets decapitated by barbed wire (awful special effect there), some girl gets table sawed, lesbian gets hung by a chain, meat clever to some guy's chest, slacker gets arm severed (laughably bad effect), other lesbian gets garden shear-ed, and some poor bastard gets his throat slit pretty good. The slasher character is lame. He wears a hoody and a Jabberwocky mask. And he runs (frequently). Ho-hum stuff mostly in this department.
T&A aka (Nude-ipedia): God damn it. Alright, so I had come to accept that the lovely Leighton Meester wouldn't get naked. But nothing? At all? Seriously? The closest we get is some bra and panties in a simulated lesbian sex scene (it sounds a lot better than it was, very PG13). The next closest we get is Leighton Meester riding an ATV (and my overactive imagination). Overall, it wasn't a great cast in terms of 'hot girls I'd appreciate seeing naked' anyway, so maybe no huge loss. But in a shit horror movie like this, you'd still hope for at least one 'strong sexual content'. I was really looking forward to seeing some spectacular blu-ray tits. I guess that will have to wait to when I review some blu-ray pornography. Of course, that will be sure to happen when jadedviewer.com switches over from horror to a harcore-XXX review format later in the year. WTF moment: One funny ass moment that I'm sure the director was in on when they wrote it. Zack Morris-looking guy is looking for the killer in the woods (kudos for proactively trying to attack the slasher, good shit). So, Zack accidentally steps into a bear trap! His reaction? He grimaces. He acknowledges the pain. But no biggie. Mind you, he just stepped in a fucking BEAR TRAP! Instead of a massive compound fracture, he experiences some mild discomfort. Later, he is freed (off-camera), and looks just fine, thank you. Small stain on his jeans, a slight limp (like if your leg fell asleep). A BEAR TRAP! Good times. They make a great self-referential joke about it during the 'crazy credits'.
The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis
So, in closing, Killer Movie, was for the most part, just another generic horror movie. However, for some reason, I found myself strangely enjoying it. Maybe it was the super low expectations. Or maybe, it was the 5 minutes of the lovely Meester. Or maybe, the fact that I actually found myself liking most of the characters (very rare occurrence in slashers). Whatever it was, it's the best horror movie I've seen in 2010! So, if you can get your hands on this movie for free, or via download, or if you just got $10.99 burning a hole in your pocket. Or if you have a hunger, that only a faux reality show horror comedy can satiate, then, damn it, go see Killer Movie. You could do a lot worse, ....
Look what I got for free at work! Probably the worst screener in the history of screeners.
Born is some sort of Rosemary's Baby straight to DVD ripoff. It stars Alison Brie from Mad Men (I've never watched this show) and Kane fuckin Hodder.
In all honesty, I knew I wouldn't be able to come up with a regular review so I am going to attempt my first picture plus funny comment review. I've seen a lot of picture reviews on other horror blogs but I've never actually tried it before. This should be quite enjoyable for you and for me.
Seriously, don't worry. Go ahead and read the post. You're never going to see this movie...ever. And you really wouldn't want to.
So without further ado, here we go. Some the pics are NSFW!!!
Boring Plot-O-Matic
Mary Elizabeth goes to bed alone one night, still a 21 year old virgin, and wakes up the next morning...pregnant. Possessed by the demon fetus growing within her womb, Mary Elizabeth obeys her homicidal cravings to kill...for the sake of her unborn spawn. Mary Elizabeth's dark transformation, controlled by her unborn demon child, is driven by it's dark cravings. Once the child is born there will be hell on earth. From this apparent immaculate conception comes edge of your seat terror.
Awesome Picture Review-O-Matic
Look! It's Kane Hodder looking like he just got out of prison (he just told a psychiatrist he's a demon) Good one Kane!
Meet the family. Dad (seen here smoking) OMG Is that Denise Crosby! Yes it's Tasha freakin Yar! And there is our fearless virgin soon to be bearing a demon child, May Elizabeth. BTW her mommy died :-(
She's so distraught by her mommy's death, she starts seeing hot blondes in Victoria Secret lingere. I wish that would happen to me when I'm sad.
In the cemetary, she gets impregnated by demon lightning! Fake CGI lightning at that.
After her lightning sex, she's rescued by a crazy albino that looks like Dr. Evil. Lets call him Evil Albino guy.
Insert gratuitous nudity. Look its stunt double boobies!
Holy twinkies! Mary Elizabeth just woke up pregnant...right her sis Catherine tries to drown her in the tub. I think that happened in Juno too.
Here her dad goes all gynecology on his daughter.In some states this is illegal.
In order to feed her demon child, she has to go all killer insane. In this scene, the little tyke wants a closeup look as mommy electrocutes some poor schmuck. I saw this same thing happen on Jon and Kate plus 8.
Wow she's totally evil now. She even decaps and rips this poor guy's heart out. Good times.
It's bad enough with the fake CGI lightning but here they outdo themselves with a fake CGI sonogram. It's the cable access fetus channel!
What happens when you get a craving for a late night snack? Raven's blood of course! The late night snack of the netherworld.
Soon after, Mary Elizabeth goes all Natasha Henstridge in Species and starts getting horny. She books a gigolo date and they go on a extreme grunt-a-thon. If you're a Deuce Bigalow, I think you should avoid servicing pregnant demon chicks. It just leads to a loss of Mr. Willy.
So how do you top that? Add a lesbian scene of course. Seems Mary Elizabeth has been imprisoned in her house by her sister and she decides to get her groove on with her friend.
But that of course leads to kissing her baby bump which of course enables her demon kid to kill her by oral fixation. The best part is when they had horrible fake CGI blood come 3D-ing straight at the screen. George Lucas. Hire these guys immediately!
Oh that awesome sonogram machine. Check out baby demon smile. Isn't he the cutest little thing you ever did see. He's got mommy's eyes and daddy's horns and tail. Awwww. Coochie coo.
So after finding out she's carrying a devil spawn and battling the internal cravings to kill, she has her dad try to perform surgery to kill this unholy fetus. Doesn't it look like the baby devil spawn is taking a dump? A very satisfying #2.
"Yo wuz up grandpa? WTF homey, I wasn't ready to come out yet, you know what I'm sayin? Fuck y'all. I'm gonna bust a cap in your ass."
It's the twist! Catherine and Evil Albino are doing the bidding of Kane Hodder. I'd like to take this opportunity to thank you if you've made it this far in reading this review. Your next purchase of any Raven's Blood is on me.
The hot, blonde Victoria Secret models are back.And now their naked! This is the epitome of gratuitous nudity.
This is an actual line from the movie uttered by Mr. Hodder: "I'm the torturer of the 13th level of hell. I fuck with people. That's what I do."
Decapitated heads and pentagrams. You gotta love your Satanic rituals complete with nude models. So 80s! The heads also start talking for no apparent reason because that's normal.
Kane Hodder starts to bleed inexplicably for no reason. Seems the psychiatrist was the devil and took the baby to be the anti-Christ. Seriously it doesn't really matter.
Let's look at the blonde, nude models holding a baby to end this. Seems only appropriate.
Well that's it. Born was the perfect movie to make fun of. Has been stars, over the top acting (Alison Brie talking to herself as she played good Mary vs evil demon baby is freakin hilarious) and one of the worst CGI I have ever seen.
Denise Crosby will act for food. So will Kane Hodder. If MST3K was still around, this would be perfect (ahem Rifftrax anyone?). Also it was 147 minutes long. Jeezus, it takes that long to have a baby on film??
The worst part is at the end of the movie they hinted towards a sequel!
Well I hope you enjoyed my first picture review. I'm sure there will be more of these in the future if I can get my hands on some B movies to review. Born should have never been born. But it was, so at least this awesome review came out of it. Coochie coo.
0 Spinkicks
If these picture snapshots weren't enough for you check out the trailer below.
Well everybody has done regular reviews, screencap reviews, quotey quotable reviews of Jennifer's Body. But nobody has done a trademarked jaded viewer WTF List of this movie.
5.) OK I chuckled during that "It's true. It's on Wikipedia" line
16.) OK the chick on chick violence was horribly boring
