the jaded viewer

Killer Movie

Killer Movie (2008)

Directed by Jeff Fisher

[this review is brought to you by Insano Steve who is back from the dead. Check out his other reviews and features in the right hand nav bar]

So, the jaded viewer asked me to review some movies for the site. Movies that he felt were so irredeemably bad, he could not physically review himself, citing fear for his health. Seeing that I'm pretty much the trash-TV expert, I figured I'd choose to do 'Killer Movie' because of it's reality show theme. And I was also looking to see something different than the usual horror crap. I'd say my tolerance for horror is pretty thin these days. You could say my viewing has become rather jaded (hey, see what I did there ...)

OK, the real reason I wanted to see this was:

• It was on blu-ray, and I haven't watched any horror on the blu-ray yet.
• The presence of hot-ass Leighton Meester (of Gossip Girl fame) in the film.
  

Let us delve into these items individually....

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A reality TV director copes with a spoiled celebutante and a show gone haywire when a masked killer starts bumping off the crew in this slasher-movie satire.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Blu-Ray: What can I say? blu-ray is the shit. It's freaking awesome. As Ferris Bueller would say, if you have the means, I highly recommend picking one up. You really get your money's worth for your HDTV with these blu-ray movies. Now, it doesn't make the plot/acting any better mind you. But you can actually see the pores in the girl's faces when they close up! For older women, Damn, blu-ray's your worst nightmare. So, no complaints for visual quality here. Top notch.

The lovely hot-ass Leighton Meester: I've never actually watched the Gossip Girl (I guess because I'm neither 15 years old, nor female), but I've been made aware of the hotness of Leighton Meester through the interwebs. So, it was nice to actually see her 'work' (without having to hate myself later). Well, suffice it to say, her appearance is very brief, despite her name getting top billing on the blu-ray cover art. Damn you false advertising! The lovely Miss Meester is only in 2 scenes, with 1 scene just having her screaming and dying. For the first time ever, I was actually rooting for the victim. Don't kill her, she's too cute to die! Sigh. Anyhow, she is super hot. She actually looks a lot like Minka Kelly (before Derek Jeter ruined her). Hopefully she will be featured more prominently in future projects which will allow us to see more of her 'talent'

Ugh. So 10 minutes into the movie and the hot girl I'm watching the movie for is dead. Shit. What to do? I heroically pressed on and watched the other 70 minutes. The plot you say? Oh yeah, probably should have gotten to that by now. The story is about this Zack Morris-looking guy who is directing a reality show in North Dakota about a small town high school hockey team. It turns out though, as filming starts, a bunch of people in town start turning up dead (like the hot-ass Leighton Meester). The lesbian super-bitch producer decides to run with the murder angle instead of the hockey bullshit (practical decision). The subplot involves a diva actress, named Blanca Champion (played by the not quite hot Kaley Cuoco), following Zach Morris around, in an attempt to learn about directing. Predictably, Blanca ends up hating the small town and being a bitch to everyone. Yes, her name is Blanca Champion.

The crew, which somehow ends up being like 10 people, all start dying off (duh!?!?). So who did it? Do you really care? Fuck does it matter? Everybody's potentially the killer! Ooooh, the suspense! Like all horror movies like this, whoever ends up dying isn't the killer, so theoretically, the suspense should increase as we approach the awesome reveal at the end. Alas, you can probably guess who did it, if you actually gave it some thought while watching (which I didn't).

Strangely enough, there were no black characters in this. Yup, all-white cast mother fucker! That's pretty shocking in a horror movie of this ilk. No rapper turned actors here. Actually, I found it kinda refreshing. Less cliches is always a good thing. And that's coming from me. You know I love me some black movies.

Now so far, this review looks like I hated it, and from looking at IMDB, almost everybody else did. Well, the title, 'Killer Movie' is terrible. But actually, overall, this shit wasn't THAT BAD. The reason for that was, the movie never took itself seriously. The characters are all pretty self-aware. Now I know self-aware movies are all the rage and by now have become pretty played out. But here, the characters do it without appearing snarky, which I personally appreciate. We don't need a generation of Junos. This movie was short, fun, and almost completely forgettable. Aint nothing wrong with that. The ending though, is so mind-numbing stupid, it's almost offensive. However, I can probably forgive that. It's not like we're gonna see a 'Killer Movie 2' (or at least I hope not).

Alright, on to the important stuff. Gore aka (Gore-ipedia): OK, well, the visual quality, as I said before was top notch, but unfortunately, that didn't really translate to the kill scenes. This flick was filmed in 21 days, so maybe there was no time for a good gore effects guy? Too bad. What we did have was: the hot-ass Meester gets decapitated by barbed wire (awful special effect there), some girl gets table sawed, lesbian gets hung by a chain, meat clever to some guy's chest, slacker gets arm severed (laughably bad effect), other lesbian gets garden shear-ed, and some poor bastard gets his throat slit pretty good. The slasher character is lame. He wears a hoody and a Jabberwocky mask. And he runs (frequently). Ho-hum stuff mostly in this department.

T&A aka (Nude-ipedia): God damn it. Alright, so I had come to accept that the lovely Leighton Meester wouldn't get naked. But nothing? At all? Seriously? The closest we get is some bra and panties in a simulated lesbian sex scene (it sounds a lot better than it was, very PG13). The next closest we get is Leighton Meester riding an ATV (and my overactive imagination). Overall, it wasn't a great cast in terms of 'hot girls I'd appreciate seeing naked' anyway, so maybe no huge loss. But in a shit horror movie like this, you'd still hope for at least one 'strong sexual content'. I was really looking forward to seeing some spectacular blu-ray tits. I guess that will have to wait to when I review some blu-ray pornography. Of course, that will be sure to happen when jadedviewer.com switches over from horror to a harcore-XXX review format later in the year.

WTF moment: One funny ass moment that I'm sure the director was in on when they wrote it. Zack Morris-looking guy is looking for the killer in the woods (kudos for proactively trying to attack the slasher, good shit). So, Zack accidentally steps into a bear trap! His reaction? He grimaces. He acknowledges the pain. But no biggie. Mind you, he just stepped in a fucking BEAR TRAP! Instead of a massive compound fracture, he experiences some mild discomfort. Later, he is freed (off-camera), and looks just fine, thank you. Small stain on his jeans, a slight limp (like if your leg fell asleep). A BEAR TRAP! Good times. They make a great self-referential joke about it during the 'crazy credits'.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

So, in closing, Killer Movie, was for the most part, just another generic horror movie. However, for some reason, I found myself strangely enjoying it. Maybe it was the super low expectations. Or maybe, it was the 5 minutes of the lovely Meester. Or maybe, the fact that I actually found myself liking most of the characters (very rare occurrence in slashers). Whatever it was, it's the best horror movie I've seen in 2010! So, if you can get your hands on this movie for free, or via download, or if you just got $10.99 burning a hole in your pocket. Or if you have a hunger, that only a faux reality show horror comedy can satiate, then, damn it, go see Killer Movie. You could do a lot worse, ....

Rating:

1/2

Check out the trailer below.

Labels: 2009 horror dvd, 2009 horror movies, blu-ray, gore, gratuitous nudity, killer movie, leighton meester, reality tv satire, slasher films, splatter

Posted by the jaded viewer at 11:00 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Born

Born (2007)

Directed by Richard Friedman

Look what I got for free at work! Probably the worst screener in the history of screeners.

Born is some sort of Rosemary's Baby straight to DVD ripoff. It stars Alison Brie from Mad Men (I've never watched this show) and Kane fuckin Hodder.

In all honesty, I knew I wouldn't be able to come up with a regular review so I am going to attempt my first picture plus funny comment review. I've seen a lot of picture reviews on other horror blogs but I've never actually tried it before. This should be quite enjoyable for you and for me.

Seriously, don't worry. Go ahead and read the post. You're never going to see this movie...ever. And you really wouldn't want to.

So without further ado, here we go. Some the pics are NSFW!!!

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Mary Elizabeth goes to bed alone one night, still a 21 year old virgin, and wakes up the next morning...pregnant. Possessed by the demon fetus growing within her womb, Mary Elizabeth obeys her homicidal cravings to kill...for the sake of her unborn spawn. Mary Elizabeth's dark transformation, controlled by her unborn demon child, is driven by it's dark cravings. Once the child is born there will be hell on earth. From this apparent immaculate conception comes edge of your seat terror.

Awesome Picture Review-O-Matic





Well that's it. Born was the perfect movie to make fun of. Has been stars, over the top acting (Alison Brie talking to herself as she played good Mary vs evil demon baby is freakin hilarious) and one of the worst CGI I have ever seen.

Denise Crosby will act for food. So will Kane Hodder. If MST3K was still around, this would be perfect (ahem Rifftrax anyone?). Also it was 147 minutes long. Jeezus, it takes that long to have a baby on film??

The worst part is at the end of the movie they hinted towards a sequel!

Well I hope you enjoyed my first picture review. I'm sure there will be more of these in the future if I can get my hands on some B movies to review. Born should have never been born. But it was, so at least this awesome review came out of it. Coochie coo.

0 Spinkicks

If these picture snapshots weren't enough for you check out the trailer below.

Labels: 2009 horror dvd, 2009 horror movies, 2009 horror trailers, born review, devil worshipping, gratuitous nudity, kane hodder

Posted by the jaded viewer at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Sick Girl

Sick Girl (2009)

Directed by Eben McGarr

The anticipation I had for Sick Girl is easily documented. The PSA trailer is black humor genius. So it was my assumption we'd get the same tone for the movie. We'd see a sadistic serial killer, with a dark sense of humor killing for illogical reasons and ending in a pinnacle of extreme violence.

Well sometimes what you think in your head comes out way cooler than what you see in the movie.

Sick Girl does have moments of gore and splatter that gorehounds would vote in the sick shit Hall of Fame. Izzy is easily one of the most demented serial killers ever to come to life on film. Her acts of brutality are so shocking it's hard to put in words (don't worry I'll try). But that's the extent of wow factor. The story, the characters and the acting are a little boring and the ending a little blah.

So what does this all equal? Sick Girl accomplishes what it set out to do. Make you wince, make you sick and definitely makes you feel uncomfortable.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Sick Girl is the story of Izzy, a girl that wants to protect her little brother, bang her older brother and torture everyone else out in the barn. Izzy is raising her younger brother, Kevin, by herself.

Their parents are deceased and her older brother, Rusty, (who she has incestuous fantasies about), is away in the Marines. When Izzy learns that her little brother is being bullied at school, she does what any unstable, psychopathic, homicidal sister (with no impulse control) would do.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Let's get the inevitable comparisons out of the way. Sick Girl closely resembles Eric Stanze's Scrapbook which is the pinnacle of indie horror fuckedupness. It's serial killing, done in Rural Town, USA and the mundane turning insane.

Shot on video and armed with a shoestring budget McGarr shows us the simple story of Izzy (short for Isabella) and her life when she's sane and her life when she's insane. The tragedy here is Sick Girl is like 65% normal life, and 35% looney tunes. As a jaded viewer, I've seen shit most people would think warrants prison. So if McGarr's first feature is designed to shock, he's got to get over that 50% threshold of amping his movie with 1 and half hour energy drink of fuckedupness.

Sick Girl almost plays out like a porn movie. Think of this as "Gorn". Each normal scene sets up a scene of pure, uncensored torturous gore and splatter. As much as you'd like to fast forward and get to the good stuff, you feel the need to watch the set up. I mean technically it's not necessary but for horror, its best to know the motivation for the kill scenes.

So what do we see when Izzy isn't maiming and going all Jigsaw?

Izzy has flashbacks of her brother training on some kung fu
Izzy tickles and plays with her little brother
Izzy visit's her brother's teacher
Izzy has Christmas gift exchange with her brother and her late father's best friend Barney
Izzy rides with a stranger who gives her a lift
Izzy has flashbacks of her late brother and his GF

As much as these scenes are suppose to give us some insight into Izzy's head...it actually doesn't do shit. We all know Izzy is mentally unstable and we, the viewer are here to see her be mentally unstable. Its like watching a movie that's designed to shock and punch you mentally in the face nards. So what are these WTF moments that closely resemble gorn?


Read on gorn-hounds!

Izzy pees on a nun
Izzy slits a dude's throat
Izzy goes postal on a school bus
Izzy kisses her brother (incest alert!)
Izzy makes a tweeny boy kill his BFFs (by making him drown and stab them)
Izzy holds survivors hostage in a barn
Izzy smashes tweeny bully's head with a sledgehammer
Izzy makes the hostages pee in a bucket
Izzy breaks tweeny boy's arm and dresses him as a Christmas tree
Izzy castrates a dude
Izzy rapes a girl with dude's castrated penis (yeah you read that right)

So like seeing an orgy of flesh, we see an orgy of death. And I'm not going to lie, it's truly disturbing to witness such depravity and uber violence especially coming from Izzy. Which goes to say something about Leslie Andrew's performance. At times, the dialogue she recites sounds like a 3rd grade play, at other times she delivers lines that amp up and portray a very disturbed Manson like killer. The times we do see what was promised by the PSA trailer of trademarked black humor, is the time Andrew's performance generates some comfortable ha ha's and LOLs. She's got that Ellen Page Hard Candy look that can make you fall in love. A hooded sweatshirt, short hair can only equal somebody who is a sadistic little monster and for some unknown reason it's slightly infatuating. Izzy's little brother Kevin (Charlie Trepany) does a decent job playing the lovable innocent as does Barney (John McGarr) who plays a pseudo father figure to both Barney and Izzy.

But whereas indie shock horror goes beyond the usual torture porn is when we sense the motives of the slasher are developed. I can watch the movie 2-3 more times and I still wouldn't understand why Izzy has gone all ballistic (though at the end, some reason is given). Did she snap? Is she reveng-ing everybody who she hates or has ridiculed her and her family? Does she hate the Marines? Does she hate farm animals? Trust me, it's not clear at all.

Sick Girl is gorn at its finest. But an awesome movie it is not. It falls right in place in the middle and as much as I tried to find something that could give it a better "ooomph" in the spinkick department, I could not. I mean when was the last time you went, "that sex scene in that porno is awesome...I gotta share this with others." See what I mean?

Sick Girl is mock and shock movie that purees mundane Americana and unrelenting violence into a cocktail of visual splatter overdrive. Eben McGarr is clearly going to not make a movie as insane as this, I'm hoping he doesn't. But the one thing Sick Girl has accomplished, it's making sure you feel dirty after watching it.

Just like porn.

Gore-ipedia

See Izzy's list of torture

Nude-ipedia

It's not porn..it's gorn!

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Straight out of Synapse Films, Sick Girl is now out on DVD. It's also available on Amazon.com. Check out the MySpace site for more info.

If you are a fringe fan of extreme horror, I'd say go watch Sick Girl. It would definitely be a movie that would be traded for back before DVDs and the Interwebs. I would even go as far to say that it may reach cult classic status like Scrapbook has.

The MySpace site has a nice interview with Leslie Andrews which is definitely worth a listen.

So in conclusion, if you don't feel like porn, watch some gorn. And Sick Girl is the perfect movie for it.

Rating:

Check out the trailers.

Sick Girl "Thank You For Not Talking" PSA

Teaser Trailer




The Trailer



Tags:
sick girl, sick girl trailer , sick girl review , 2009 horror movies, leslie andrews, 2009 horror dvd, splatter movies, horror blog

Labels: gore, gratuitous nudity, incest death squad, juno, sick girl, sick girl psa trailer, sick girl teaser, sick girl trailer

Posted by the jaded viewer at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

The Hills Run Red

The Hills Run Red (2009)

Directed by Dave Parker

The Hills Run Red got the hype treatment within the horror universe this year. It's premise, it's sleek grindy slasher and Sophia Monk wearing nothing should be enough to equal yayness and approval from us fans. For me, it equals more of a mix bag of donuts. Sure you get your oozing jelly filled, and your chocolate yuminess. But you also get your over done elaborate, sprinkled Boston cremes and some other exotic new flavors that catch your eye. Yeah, it looks pretty but it doesn't taste that good.

Well that's The Hills Run Red. It looks good from the outside but when you dig in, it's not as delicious as you thought it would be.

I think I've got you hungry right? Lets dig in shall we?

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A group of young horror fans go searching for a film that mysteriously vanished years ago but instead find that the demented killer from the movie is real, and he's thrilled to meet fans who will die gruesomely for his art.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

At points within the movie, I got really conflicted. I was teetering that this would be 3 spinkicks, then it dropped to 1 spinkick, then to 2 spins, then 2 and a half. I've haven't been this confused trying to rate a film in a while. I usually know exactly the rating I'm going to give during the film and by the end, it's sold. So its surprising to what I settled on for this one. But as you can see below, my string of thoughts sorta went in different directions.

Here's are my thought bubbles during the movie.

• Sophia Monk is hot
• OMG! Sophia Monk is naked...making her mega hotter
• The other female star in the movie is naked too!
• This trailer of the movie within this movie looks awesome!
• Tyler, our main character is kinda a lame, horror-core fan
• Well, Sophia Monk is naked again
• Tyler's friends are also big douches..I hope they die
• Oh oh, this is turning out to be a filmmakers go to the woods and get attacked by cannibal rednecks, then attacked by a real slasher
• Babyface, our slasher has got some top notch kill skills
• Holy shit! A women got torn in two by a tree contraption
• Hmmm. I think the fake grindhouse movie in this movie is probably better than the actual movie itself (make sense?)
• It's a gratuitous chase scene!
• WTF! Is this Saw?
• Sophia Monk is naked again...and I never get tired of looking at her.
  
• Oh man I predicted that twist 30 minutes ago
• Wow, this is lots of pretentious dialogue about movie making
• Yup, another twist...saw that one coming 15 minutes ago
• Ewwww. Babyface looks yucky
• Yeah! A scene during the credits...this will be awes....errr....well thats just dumb
  

If you've seen the movie, you'll understand exactly what I'm talking about. For peeps who haven't seen it, lets get into a review.

Tyler and his filmmaking cohorts decide to make a documentary of The Hills Run Red, a slasher film that has reached urban legend status. Seems the only remnants of the film left are a trailer, a few posters and Alexa, daughter of the director Wilson Wyler Concannon (William Sadler).

After Tyler meets Alexa (the always naked Sophia Monk), a stripper who guides the group to the locations of the movie. Joined by his GF Serena and best friend Lalo, they go off to the woods and go Blair Witching. The movie is interspliced with scenes from the unfinished grindhouse movie. The movie is about Babyface, a bumpkin schmunkin who tore up his face to something about his mom. I forget exactly how it went.

The characters are actually a little irritating to say the least with Alexa being the most interesting. Tyler is your Heather-type (from BWP) so dedicated to making his documentary, he turns down sexual relations from Alexa and his girlfriend (What the freakin fuck? I think he's gay..seriously dude?). Serena, his GF is dedicated and even at one point during the movie she seemed to go into a She-Ra, Princess of Power transformation changing into a standard Final Girl tanktop. Lalo is just victim fodder.

But it's Alexa, who creates the most memorable character in The Hills Run Red. A stripper, a drug addict and a vixen to the slickest proportions. Sophia Monk plays her character, right up to the end of the movie in a top notch, juicy sexpot sorta way. Brains and breasts as I always say.

Oddly enough, the film also becomes Skynet self aware. The characters go over rules of how to survive a "we're lost in the woods attacked by locals" horror movie and many of the film within a film references are slightly clever and a wink to the audience. There is something about finding a long lost film and the repercussions of it. Many scenes are set up where you think good guys defeat bad guys. But then you get a 360 into something else. I can't say its cool, more a little confusing.

But this new age of millennium slashers inducts Babyface into its fraternity. He's a formidable mountain man slasher who can use a variety of weapons to kill kill kill. Like Chromeskull in Laid to Rest, he's got a style and backstory that's unique. His daddy and mommy would be proud.

Parker and crew have a made a decent slasher movie that flips things upside down, fulfills your gratuitous nudity meter, got a somewhat interesting plot and has kills that will make gorehounds rejoice. It's also got some uneven twizzler twists, hipsters playing horror intellectuals and some self referencing dumbness.

So what do you got after you watch The Hills Run Red? 2 spinkicks. It's a fitting rating for a decent film that is like a bite of jelly and a bite of glazed. It may not live up to the hype its gotten but I can say I wasn't bored. American runs on blood and donuts.

Nude-ipedia

C'mon now. How many times do I gotta say Sophia Monk is 100% naked in this?
Gratuitous secondary character sex scene boobage

Gore-ipedia

Face trauma
Ax to the head
Decaps
Stomach trauma
Sliced and dice tummies
Mummified corpses
Gunshot trauma
Gut wrenching gore
Women torn in half
Various mutilation kills
Various stabbing weapon kills
Lots of head bashing

WTF moment

The twist after the twist

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

The Hills Run Red is available now on DVD via Amazon.com. I think many of the horror sites agree with my review that the movie is a mixed bag. Though some reviews have a love or hate it sorta opinion. I tried to not go into much of the plot of the movie because giving a way too much would affect your viewing.

But your reading this review because you want to know if Sophia Monk is naked in it right? So rest assured the answer is yes.

Rating:

Check out the trailer.

Labels: 2009 grindhouse movies, 2009 horror dvd, gore, gratuitous nudity, slasher films, sophie monk naked, splatter, the hills run red, the hills run red trailer

Posted by the jaded viewer at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

You clicked on this link because of that picture didn't you? Hahahaha. Well, I can't blame you. If you haven't guessed, that's Sophia Monk topless from the movie The Hills Run Red (review tomorrow). And there's more in the movie of Ms. Monk naked in the film. In the flick, she plays a stripper who helps a group of filmmakers look for a long lost movie. But thats irrelevant. Suffice it to say, she seems to "pop up" naked in the most unlikely of scenes.

But let's get to the thighs and breasts of this post. I posed the question, how gratuitous is gratuitous nudity?

Well horror and nudity go hand in hand don't they? If you go into your video store (remember those?) you'll notice that the scifi movies are next to the horror movies. And what's next to the horror movies? Yup, you got it. Porn. It's interesting to note that this set up is intentional as most horror fans do expect to see nudity in their movies. So a walk down the aisle would make it easier to get your fix on all 3 genres?

As much as we like to believe horror has defied the stereotype as in in the same vain as critically acclaimed movies, it's just not the case. We have to come to grips that it's a genre that is loved by a few and scorned by many. Oh yes, the casual moviegoer will go see a horror movie, but it's not to see a brilliant acting performance or a fascinating story. It's sometimes to see mechanical slasher kills and some bouncing C cups.

Could a slasher film be made where a beautiful sexpot didn't get naked? And even if nakedness doesn't occur, I have to count a very revealing Final Girl tank top is nudity as much as full frontal would be. I'm not here to argue the fact that nudity is in a horror movie, I'm trying to point out the instances where it's just plain gratuitous.

And the funny part is I'm all for gratuitous nudity.

It's a staple of the slasher genre and its inserted in almost every pseudo genre of horror. Cannibal, redneck slaughter, yup. Monster attacks movies, yup. Vampire and werewolves in battle, yup to a degree. So what are the instances of gratuitous nudity?

• Obviously gratuitous sex scenes demand nudity
• Shower scenes
• Taking a bath
  
• Skinny dipping
• Swimming
• Locker rooms
• Slumber parties
• Strip clubs
• Changing clothes
• Massages
• Saunas
• Walking around the house (yup this happens)
• Satanic rituals
• Torture scenes
  
• Demon nudity
• Hookers
  
• etc. etc. etc.

The question is, are scenes inserted like the ones above because it's expected? Would we be disappointed if we didn't see gratuitous nudity in one form or the other when we see a horror movie that involves teenagers? Horror is still a male dominated genre and most of the audiences are guys looking to see relentless violence and movie star T&A. If this wasn't the case, Platinum Dunes would be out of business. I am 100% sure, the new Nightmare on Elm Street has nudity. I'll be shocked if it didn't.

Of course, the PG-13-ing by Hollywood to the horror genre has almost made this question irrelevant. We've almost become accustomed to the fact no nudity will appear in the current mass production of Hollywood fluff. Some call this blasphemy. Horror movies need to be Rated R and must have strong sexual content and extreme violence and gore. Others have felt a PG-13 horror movie without the above can be just as good.

I want to know what you guys think. Simply put:


1.) How gratuitous is gratuitous nudity? Would you be angry if you didn't see some boobies in a slasher flick? Would somehow more gore and splatter make up for this?

2.) How often do you expect nudity in horror movies? 100% of the time? 75%? 50%? 25% 0%?

3.) Would you go see a Rated R/Unrated film filled with extreme violence, splatter and gore with tons of nudity.....but the film sucks OR would you see a nice, clean PG-13 horror movie that was praised unanimously by horror critics?

The fact that I have both a GORE-ipedia and NUDE-ipedia goes to show that I sincerely believe horror fans expect both and are looking for both these things to happen. So let me know what you think.

If your looking for more nude photos, c'mon just Google it will ya. And for the few of you expecting more Sophia Monk pictures, check back tomorrow. How gratuitous do you think I am?

Labels: 2009 horror dvd, gratuitous nudity, naked women, nudity, sophie monk naked

Posted by the jaded viewer at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Black Dynamite

Black Dynamite (2009)

Directed by Scott Sanders

"Listen sucka, I'm blacker than the ace of spades and more militant than you and your whole damn army put together"

"Your knowledge of scientific biological transmogrification is only matched by your zest of kung-fu treachery"

"Freeze you jive time suckas!"

Those are just some of the lines that Black Dynamite utters when kicking The Man's ass and dealing with some jive ass turkeys. There are a few more quotey quotables that had me on the fuckin ground. But the dialogue is only a tiny smack vial in this great movie which undoubtedly will be one of my Top 10 Movies of 2009.

Black Dynamite leap frogs up top to the best the blaxploitation parody genre has to offer. I'm Gonna Git You Sucka, Don't be a Menace..., Undercover Brother, Friday are classics in this but nobody has had the balls to go all out and never stop, 70s style. The jokes are a mile a minute, the dialogue is spoof-irific, every gag scene is gag-tastic and the look and feel make you feel your back in the 70s.

The movie, running about 90 minutes doesn't stop in its genius comedy of ripping apart the blaxploitation gimmicks and logical illogics. It's a black time capsule of spoof. If you've seen the blaxsploitation classics its spoofing it becomes 100 times better. Shaft, Coffy and something I recently saw, Black Gestapo are utterly parodied to perfection.

I haven't laughed that hard since seeing Black Devil Doll because the beauty of being ridiculous is making sure the audience knows you're being ridiculous. So self aware is Black Dynamite, when we close in on a gratuitous closeup stare by our super brotha, we know he knows we know. You dig?

Boring Plot-O-Matic

When “The Man” murders his brother, pumps heroin into local orphanages, and floods the ghetto with adulterated malt liquor, Black Dynamite is the one hero willing to fight all the way from the blood-soaked city streets to the hallowed halls of the Honky House.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

So for this review, I get quotable. It's the only way I can get through my random thoughts on the flick.

"Anaconda Malt Liquor gives you ooooooooooooo"

From the opening scene of a TV ad for Anaconda Malt Liquor to the closing credits (extra scenes at the end for you IMDB crazy credits peeps), the gags start right off and they don't let up. Our man Black Dynamite (Michael Jai White) is the complete package. A former orphan, he's a player's playa with the ladies, an ex Vietman Vet, CIA agent and a soul brotha soldier. But when his brother gets killed, he has to exact revenge and clean up the streets.

"Who the hell is interrupting my kung fu?"

Many of the best scenes are parodies of kung fu flicks. BD is a numchuck master and the fight scenes are classic editing craziness. It's full of brute punches and Street Fighter kicks, BD has unlimited hit points. I even expected a hadouken to spawn.


"Black Dynamite, that was the best lovin I've ever had"

The ladies can't stand the smile (or lack thereof) of the man. They become butter in his fingers. BD taps the ass of many fine beauties and the the movie doesn't let up on some fine ass boobies. As BD courts smart sista Gloria, it's classic beauty and the beast. Just don't call Gloria a beast.

OK, I'm going to try condense my thoughts and just get to the chicken and donuts of this review. There are a ton of baddies who wanna take down Black Dynamite. These include:

1.) Pimps and drug dealers dealin smack in the orphanage
2.) The corrupt cops
3.) The Man
4.) Dr. Wu
5.) The President

All are dispatched of in true Black Dynamite style with "Dynamite! Dynamite!" jingles and throwaway one liners.

There are gags o plenty that are utterly magnificent. An unlit cigarette being smoked, a boom hits an afro, an overused car explosion, kids suffering from smack addiction in the orphanage, yada yada yada. I'll be ruining the flick if I told you anymore. You dig?

The all star cast cameos can't be ignored as well. Again, just sit back and watch as cameos flood the screen. If you don't recognize some of these pimps and drug dealers (guess who Tasty Freeze and Kotex and Chicago Wind are), you should be shot with a hand cannon. Michael Jai White is flawless in his performance, reciting jive talk like Jay Z lyricalling lyrics. Some of the lines are intentionally off then quickly corrected and White sells his persona and his physique (I mean he was Spawn and Tyson right?) to the max. Black Dynamite's army also shines like hot sauce on a donut. Tommy Davidson plays Cream Corn who has Katt Williams like pimpitude. Bullhorn, another friend-dude helps BD kick some motherfuckin ass.

Finally, the look and feel of Black Dynamite make you DeLorean into the past. The soundtrack is jazzed and funked up. The intentional blurry closeups, bad editing and fade ins and outs are cinema styilized for maximum effect. The sound effects are played like a soundboard and you can't ignore the use of 4th wall breaking with closeups galore.

All in all, you get one of the funniest film spoofs to hit the screen since Austin Powers. I never had so much fun watching a movie this year. Michael Jai White and director Scott Sanders in attendance, saw a very predominant crowd of non honkies LOL and ROFL for 90 minutes straight. I'm sure it was thrill for them to see NYC represent in this sold out screening.

Sure you can see a Eisenberg/Cera suburban self aware comedy, but when you get tired of the vanilla, that's where Black Dynamite comes in. It's pure chocolate deliciousness, topped with hot fudge and a cherry. And don't you want to see Black Dynamite pop that cherry? You dig?

Nude-ipedia

Black boobies
White boobies
Asian boobies
It's a multicultural collection of boobies!

WTF moment

The demise of Dr. Wu by a clever and very fast Black Dynamite

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Black Dynamite opens nationwide October 16th. I'm not sure if it will get wide distribution but if it does, you MUST SEE THIS FILM.

At first, when I saw the trailer months ago I thought this was an actual blaxploitation movie for the new millenium. What I saw yesterday was better. Black Dynamite hits on all those funny bones of every blaxploitaiton spoof plus being a blaxploitation movie in itself, it balances it out nicely so that you get the best of both worlds. This easily gets 4 spinkicks.

The movie ends on an apology as Black Dynamite says: "I'm sorry I pimped slapped you into that china cabinet". If you don't see this movie, I may be doing that to all of you jive ass suckas!


Rating:

jaded viewer related linkage:
Black Dynamite viral yumminess
Fight Smack in the Oprphanage!!!
Black Dynamite and Supreme Court Judge Sotomayor and Numchucks
Black Dynamite meets Barry (ahem Barack)
Anaconda Malt Liquor videos

Official Site
Black Dynamite Yo Self!
Black Dynamite Facebook site

Tags:
black dynamite, black dynamite review , black dynamited trailer , black dynamite clips, blaxploitation, spoof, black comedy, gratuitous nudity, top horror movie 2009, grindhouse, big boobs, horror blog

Labels: 70s grindhouse movies, Anaconda Malt Liquor, black dynamite, black dynamite clip, black dynamite review, black dynamite trailer, blaxploitation, gratuitous nudity

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Screw Balls

Screw Balls (1983)

Directed by Rafal Zielinski

It's the grandfather of the balls comedy.

I'll be honest, I was a wee lad when Screwballs came out in 1983. When I hit my teens, I rented all the classics: Fast Times, Last..Virgin, Porkys, Private School, etc. The one thing about video rental stores back then (mine was called Flagship Video) was that they'd rent anything to anybody.

So disgruntled video store employees let me rent the sicko horror and the T&A sex comedies.

I gotta admit, I missed seeing this one during my VHS rental days. So I'm glad Severin Films finally released this classic sex comedy on DVD (and on glorious Blu Ray). Seeing an 80s teen sex comedy brings back memories of seeing boobies for the first time on the screen. It's a turning point in a kid's life. You'll always remember your first pair of boobies from the movies.

Thank goodness for Screwballs because there's a ton of em in this flick.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

(From IMDB)

Starting a new tradition of sex comedy, T & A High School, five boys meet in the detention room thanks to the evil virgin princess urity Busch. RICK - dressed as a doctor and gave breast exams to the high school new comers. BRENT - sexually teased Purity in French class. MELVIN - caught masterbating in the meat locker. HOWIE - rearranged the mirrors in order to see up the skirts of cheerleaders after practice. And TIM - tricked into entering the girls watchroom. Each one fooled by Purity. They want revenge. Each one makes a packed to deflower the virgin, but all have failed. Their only chance is to work together with others of the school to get her at the homecoming game

Awesome Review-O-Matic

If your a Gen X-er, you grew up in a time before the Internet, before cable and before you had any access to porn. I grew up during this time and it was hard to see any nudity whatsover. So when Porkys was released, it turned the teen sex comedy into a gold mine. And luckily for everybody else, we got see to see some serious T&A every few months.

Screwballs comes from canuckland, which was funded by the Canadian government and produced by the b-movie auteur Roger Corman cha chinged Screwballs for the American teen audience.

Screwballs follows the same formula that would be the staple for this genre. Bunch of horny teen dudes want to score some sex and peek some boobies. The dudes are your stereotypical class society high school reps.

1.) Rick - Our kooky Bueller like smart ass
2.) Brent - Our rich and wealthy tennis racket wielding Trump snob
3.) Howie - Our nerd, geek and mad scientist
4.) Melvin - Our jerkmeister, fat slob
5.) Howie - Our transfer kid goofball

Each of them gets Republican-ized by Purity Bush (what a name), a blonde bombshell, uncorrupted and hot. They all soon go all Mission Impossible to try to score with her and get a look at those glorious boobies.

The plot is really filler, because most of Screwballs is the insanity of the situations so that we, the audience get to see some grade A boobies. So what are these situations? Here be your Nude-ipedia

1.) Rick gets to see some freshman boobies playing doctor
2.) Howie's plan to see Purity has him seeing girl boobies by the pool
3.) Howie shoots and scores some boobies at a drive in
4.) Nude bowling
5.) Purity's glorious boobies are revealed at the very end

That's just a areola tip of the nude-ipedia.

There are also a couple of goofy, cartoony like scenes that make the action go POW! BOOM! UHHH! VROOM! One of our goofy posse gets a bowling ball stuck in his [HONK!] Others have a near riot at a Drive In and some close moments at Purity's house.

All in all, it's a classic in a sense that the sexual innuendos, the goofy visual jokes and the super duper boob shots are all hitting the right notes. With this genre coming back in the 21st century, it's always good to see what started it all.

Thanks to a cool anonymous reader, a good solid list of where to start can be found here (check out the comments).

It was so hard back then to see nudity. Now it's as easy as clicking a button. Just another leap for mankind.

WTF moment

The boobies of Purity seen around the world

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Screwballs is now released on DVD and you can order the regular DVD or Blu Ray on Amazon.com. Thanks to Severin Films for sending me a screener of this classic.

As for the DVD extras, there are a couple of solid features.

• Cast and Crew interviews (Director's Rafal Zielinski is an interesting one)
• An Interview with Canuxspoitation Scholar (this was very informative as we learn the Canadian government thru some tax loopholes was solely responsible for birth the "balls" comedies and even Cronenberg's first films!)
• Mr. Skin Talks Sex Comedies of the 80s (I didn't even know what these dudes looked like, and their commentary is quite funny and retrospectivy)
• Deleted Scenes
• Trailers
• Audio Commenary with Director Rafal Zielinski

Rating:

The trailer

Screwballs (1983) - These bloopers are hilarious

Tags:
screwballs, screwballs trailer , screwballs review , sex comedy 1980s, canucksploitation, fast times at ridgemont high, porkys, gratuitous nudity, nudity, boobies, 80s teen sex comedy, horror blog

Labels: 80s comedy, canada, fast times at ridgemont high, gratuitous nudity, screwballs, screwballs review, screwballs teen sex comedy, t and a

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

I like the use of the word gratuitous nudity. I tend to use it a lot. It's usage is perfect when describing a scene. I realized what I haven't been covering is teen sex comedies where gratuitous and nudity go hand in hand. Todays teen comedies lack any such thing. It's got cursing a mile a minute, a few topless moments but nothing that can even compare to the teen comedies of the 80s.

I'm not talking about John Hughes films or the American Pie films either. I'm talking about those hidden gems in the 80s with the ridiculous plot lines and teen nerd revenge motifs.

You know the ones. Porkys, Private School, The Last American Virgin, Secret Admirer, Ski School, Just One of the Guys and of course Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

Do you remember any others?

But one you may have forgotten is Screwballs. It's from Canada and is a total "Canucksploitation"
masterpiece that rivals any of the best American teen sex comedies.

Here be the plot (from IMDB)

Starting a new tradition of sex comedy, T & A High School, five boys meet in the detention room thanks to the evil virgin princess Purity Busch. RICK - dressed as a doctor and gave breast exams to the high school new comers. BRENT - sexually teased Purity in French class. MELVIN - caught masterbating in the meat locker. HOWIE - rearranged the mirrors in order to see up the skirts of cheerleaders after practice. And TIM - tricked into entering the girls watchroom. Each one fooled by Purity. They want revenge. Each one makes a packed to deflower the virgin, but all have failed. Their only chance is to work together with others of the school to get her at the homecoming game.

Severin Films is now releasing this on DVD and Blu Ray (oh glorious HD) on August 25th. You can preorder it via Amazon.com.

Mark my words. When the Hollywood system is done remaking horror classics, they will turn their attention to remaking teen sex comedies. And Screwballs is going to probably be one of them.

Check out the trailer below (it's more like the intro of the movie)





Below are interviews co-writers Linda Shayne and Jim Wynorski and Director Rafal Zielinski.

Labels: fast times at ridgemont high, gratuitous nudity, screwballs, screwballs teen sex comedy, t and a

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Black Devil Doll

Black Devil Doll (2009)

Directed by Jonathan Lewis
Written by Shawn Lewis/Mitch Mayes

He's a mothafuckin' Puppet!!!!

If you've been following the jaded viewer, you know I've been hyping the fuckin shit out this movie for a while now.

I posted the trailer back in August of last year and been giving updates on the on and off DVD release. So after much hoopla, hype and uber buzz, it was no question, I would watch the NYC theatrical premiere last Friday with a bunch of other fucked up New Yorkers in a semi packed theater.

And it's exactly the right setting to have seen it at. The special screening was at midnight, (of course!) and the crowd was a mixed bag of hardcore 'sploitation fans, movie genre fans and some manofest white and black brothas who just wanted to see some funny ass shit. There was some yelling, screaming and tons of laughs. The audience participation was as funny as the movie. One dude yelled out "How'd he get outside so fast?" questioning the logic of the flick. I turned to Insano Steve and said, "Wow I was thinking that too but whom am I to question logic in a flick about a fuckin possessed black devil doll killing Caucasian women?"

And we did see some funny ass shit. And barring a fuckin nuclear apocalypse, Black Devil Doll is going to end up as my #1 best movie of 2009.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

(From the official site)

A young, moist, buxom teen vixen finds herself hurled into an odyssey of forbidden sex and unspeakable violence after an innocent evening dabbling in the occult. What started as a simple child's game has now become a fight for her life! What is this evil that she has summoned from beyond? And why does it have a fro? What kind of horrific acts will she be subjected to? And what price will her super-hot, half-nude friends have to pay? But more importantly, how much Caucasian blood will have to be shed to stop....the BLACK DEVIL DOLL?!!"

Awesome Review-O-Matic

So if you haven't heard of this flick, you must have been in a cave in North Dakota. The trailer spread like fire on the interweb and was a masterpiece in itself. The big question for the movie was could it live up to the mega hype it was getting.

There is no fuckin doubt it does.

From a hilarious animated opening MPAA credit sequence to the closing credit "Oakland Fried Chicken" scene, the movie is filled with so much insanity, you might as well check into the Bellvue psych ward after viewing it.

But let's get into the breasts, thighs and legs of this flick first (pun so fuckin intended). We'll get to the voluptious vixens in a sec, let's first talk about the irrelevant plot. Our wise ass jiving motherfuckin hero is Mubia Abul-Jama, an ex Black Panther whose been sentenced to death for killing 15 Caucasian women. He gets reincarnated into a "ventrickelist" dummy, complete with awesome fro and black fist power t-shirt.

Heather, a E cup hottie soon falls for our hero and they are in relationship mode complete with ice cream at the park strolls, swings and slide fun, picnics and puppet-human grunt-a-thons. It's one of the most hilarious, very aware cliche mockeries I've ever seen. But it gets into much more than that.

Black Devil Doll takes the mild Team America puppet sex scene to a more extreme level, where reactions from our doll make Ole English 40 come out of your nose. Think of the most basic porn movie, all the multiple positions. Got it? Now think of that with a fuckin black devil doll puppet.

Heather's ex-boyfriend, White T also makes an appearance. A "Wigga" in the truest sense of the word. Jealous and bent on capping that midget fool, he comes into play in a major scene later on. But let's get to the good shit right?

Soon Heather has her friends over who arrive and take a car wash scene music video to a next level. Natasha, Candi, Buffy and Bambi are the sexiest of the ho's from the neighborhood and as dumb as bricks. Soon we get some "show me some boobies" and gratuitous Twister to show off their awesome "assets". The sexploitation oozes out for all of us to see, it all oozes out of our doll.

But the movie goes down a more hilarious fucked up road. Filled with fart and bowel movement jokes, sleazy racial derogatory comments and women taking showers and baths, it's also self aware. Whatever you were thinking, our black devil doll is also thinking and telling the audience. It's so clever in its intelligence to break the 4th wall it might have been overlooked on first viewing.

This is partially a horror movie and so the kill scenes are as patently offensive as all the others. Our anti-hero soon dispatches of our hotties in cruel and unusual ways. Rejoice gorehounds! There is plenty of sliced throats, bashed heads and anal rape scenes for you to enjoy.

Yes I said it. Anal fuckin rape. A climactic kill scene has a man get anally raped and then tossed some menthols (what else would it be) Can that actually be topped? Oh fuck yeah. Later, we get more dummy doll-human boink-a-thons that no doubt have corrupted your already jaded cerebral. More multiple positions, more "salad tossing", more "golden showers". Yes horror kin, it goes for the fuckin trifecta of sleaze.

I am leaving so much out that it's best to see with your blaxploitation virginity intact. Never have a I seen a movie where shock scene after shock scene, I was falling off the chair. Having seen Bruno, you can get that feeling of uncomfortableness and nervous laughter. In Black Devil Doll, there was none of that. It's perfectly set up to have you shout "OHHHHH SHIT!!!" and "NOW THAT'S WHAT I'M FUCKIN TALKING ABOUT".

No doubt this movie was shot on a shoe string, but the quality of the movie is not a YouTube amateur wannabe filmmaker. Jonathan Lewis and company made solid quality high tech effects, from the splatterific gore to the "Negroscope" vision (and you don't need Real D 3D glasses for it). Working on so many levels, even the bad acting has to be considered part of the movie.

Black Devil Doll is the apex of all modern day blaxploitation movies, filled with sleazy humor, tons of nudity and splatter happy gore. Harking back to the old grimy and sticky Times Square grindhouse days, Black Devil Doll is a tour de force of debauchery, insanity and nudity.

(I love when critics use the overused term "tour de force")

Many movies claim to try to go and remake or reboot the grindhouse/exploitation glory days. We've seen the shit Hollywood comes out with to Cha Ching money to the bank. PG-13 exploitation might be good enough for tweens, but it's not the malt liquor we hardcore horror fans want.

When a movie like Bruno is the supposed most offensive of its time, out comes a movie from the indie underground like Black Devil Doll to say "FUCK YOU BITCH! I'm the motherfuckin pimp of pimps."


I couldn't say it better myself. Actually I did say it.

Gore-ipedia

Sliced throats
Bashed Heads
Golden Showers
Shit (yup shit)

Nude-ipedia

Really? Do I need to actually write this list? There is so much nudity in BDD, if you blinked you might have missed some titties.

WTF moment

THE ENTIRE FUCKIN FILM

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

You need to see this movie. That's it. It's a must fuckin see. If you call yourself a horror fan, it's the hidden secret everybody has been talking about.

The film has ended it's theatrical run but comes out on DVD on October 27th. Preorder is on Oct 2nd. Also being released is a tie in novel. You can go here for more information.

As the unrated trailer warns: "If the thought of a wayard white woman having sexual relations with a demonic jive ass black puppet offends you, DO NOT SEE Black Devil Doll..."

The rest of you, go see this bad ass, crazy muthafuckin movie.

Rating:

See the unrated, uncensored trailer on the official site.




Tags:
black devil doll, black devil doll trailer , black devil doll unrated uncensored trailer , black devil doll from hell, blaxploitation, rotten cotton, killer doll, gratuitous nudity, top horror movie 2008, grindhouse, big boobs, horror blog

Labels: black devil doll, black devil doll review, black devil doll trailer, black devil doll uncensored unrated trailer, blaxploitation, gratuitous nudity, jonathan lewis, nudity, rotten cotton, shawn lewis

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Donkey Punch

Donkey Punch (2008)

Directed by Oliver Blackburn

Does this look familiar?

Group of young hot coeds go on vacation + fucked up shit happens (somebody dies) + normal dudes turn into evil psychopaths = Donkey Punch.

See? The UK can make generic horror just like the good ole US of A.

With a title liked Donkey Punch, you'd hope the Brits would go extreme-o with this type of sexual horror gone awry. However, they obviously don't and go the same generic route of formulaic horror and become an outright B-grade copycat of Dead Calm and all the other horror hijinks (maybe hikink?) on the high seas.

If this was made in America, it would be called The Yacht or Dead Water. It wouldn't have any sex in it, most certaintly be PG-13 and star one token black guy. Yes folks. It would be The Hills meets Dead Calm. I'm thinking Tara Reid as the blonde....maybe Freddy Prinze Jr. as the evil captain.

Oh oh. I can hear the Hollywood remake machine. Fuck.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

After meeting at a nightclub in a Mediterranean resort, seven young adults decide to continue partying aboard a luxury yacht in the middle of the ocean. But when one of them dies in a freak accident, the others argue about what to do, which leads to a ruthless fight for survival.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

[Cue Gilligan's Island theme song]

Just sit right back & you’ll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip
That started from this Spanish tropic port aboard this tiny yacht ship.
The mate was a mighty sailing man, The skipper evil for sure.
Six passengers set sail that day for an orgy, drug fueled tour,
an orgy, drug fueled tour

The sex started getting rough, the large blonde chick was donkey punched,
If not for the evil of the fearless crew
The audience would be bored,
The audience would be bored.

The final girls started running around while everybody went nuts
With Tammi,
Lisa too,
Sean and Josh,
The DJ

The Lawyer and Kim,

Here on Donkey Punch Isle

OK that didn't turn out too good. But overall that sums up the movie in a nutshell. Lets make fun of the characters ok?

1.) Final Girl Mary Ann (not her name but lets go with the Gilligan theme ok?)
2.) Movie Star big boobies, blonde chick
3.) Brunette with short hair that looks like that Survivor chick who was in that movie with Rob Schneider
4.) Some Gilligan looking guy in a light blue shirt that does the donkey punch
5.) DJ guy who does his best Ali G impersonation
6.) Skipper/captain guy
7.) Another dude in a white shirt

Let me start off by saying I needed subtitles. Sometimes you can't understand even Brits speaking english with the level of slang and heavy accents vocalizing all over the place mate.

The movie is at 1 hour and 40 minutes. Seriously? I think the extra 10 minutes was because of the sex scene. Which honestly is why any horror hound would be intrigued to see this flick.

So as our 3 really dumb Brit chicks accept an offer from some rich, young Brit dudes to go aboard their yacht and do drugs, you can see this is going to Natalie Holloway into really bad fuckedupness. Soon we see the hot blonde chick get double teamed and she gets donkey punched to death while another couple are skinemaxing on the couch. Still thinking of the sex scene? Yeah Metacafe!

Watch some of the gratuitous sex scene below:



Donkey Punch - Funny home videos are a click away


You good? Soon we go into coverup mode as everybody doesn't want to go to jail. Lots of talking, threatening speeches, yada yada yada and we get to some stabs o plenty from the generic horror vending machine.

So our Gore-ipedia includes a stab to the shoulder, flare kaboom! and a rotor to the neck. Yawn. I've seen more gore from an episode of The Simpsons Treehouse of Horrors.

Soon our goody two shoes final girl and her BFF are trying to figure out ways to escape the yacht from hell. Horror-rity ensues until we get to the uber anti climactic ending. The movie is more thriller on the high seas than a gorehound's delight. It just didn't seem to go clickity click on any of my "wow" radar. At least we got to see some boobies.

Nude-ipedia

Umm see the scene above dummy

WTF moment

Rotor to the neck by Survivor chick didn't make any fuckin sense

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Dude the donkey punch scene does not live up to the hype. I'm sure you can find it online. Surrounding this high level of gratuitous nudity and sex is another B grade Caucasian horror film that could very well be on Skinemax real soon.

Best if you catch it then. 2 spinkicks for being at least watchable for what it was trying to do. At least it wasn't about teen vampires.

Rating:

Check out the trailer.








Tags:
donkey punch, donkey punch review , donkey punch sex scene , uk horror, gratuitous nudity, dead calm, 2009 horror movies, top 10 horror movies of 2009,horror movie 2008, horror movie 2008, donkey punch sex act, dead snow trailer, sundance 2008,

Labels: dead calm, donkey punch, donkey punch review, donkey punch sex act, donkey punch sex scene, gratuitous nudity, nudity, thriller, UK horror

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Bad Biology

Bad Biology (2008)

Directed by Frank Henenlotter

Tagline: A God Awful Love Story

When I first heard about this flick, I praised it as the return of Frank Henenlotter, the director of who gave such classics as Basket Case, Basket Case 2, Basket Case 3, Brain Damage and Frankenhooker.

Back after a 16 year hiatus, he returns with a blood pumping, pulsating, throbbing (pun so intended) and wacko of a movie called Bad Biology.

This twisted little fucked up film comes from the minds of Henenlotter and R.A. The Rugged Man a legendary rapper.

Bad Biology can be summed up as grindhouse 2.0. A surreal episode of Skinemax with the old Henenlotter jolt of craziness.

Some will claim this is utter garbage. Bad acting, rubber penises and porn stars playing porn stars.

But I really could care less what people say.

Because when you see a 15 inch johnson attack scantily clad women you have to grade this movie on a fucked up curve.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Driven by biological excess, a young man and woman search for sexual fulfillment, unaware of each other's existence. Unfortunately, they eventually meet, and the bonding of these two very unusual human beings ends in an explosive and ultimately over-the-top sexual experience, resulting in a truly god awful love story....

Awesome Review-O-Matic

There is nudity every 15 seconds in this flick. And it comes in the form of Charlie Danielson who plays Jennifer, an erotic photographer who is born with 8 clitorises. She narrates the film and tells of her mutant vagina and its affects on her very nympho lifestyle.

Like a meth addict, she constantly craves sex and picks up guys at bars. The dudes think they've scored but getting screwed and having your head bashed in at the same time are the consequences when you hook up with Jennifer.

Jennifer is hot, in that hip hop music video vixen sorta way (she's one in real life). We get plenty of simu-sex and it's Skinemax-ish to the extreme.

The problem with Jen's mutantism is her reproductive system is a Benjamin Button fast forward. She can get pregnant, go into labor and plop a baby in an hour. A mutant baby that is.

Henenlotter loves the mutant babies and they are fucked up as advertised. After every sexual encounter, she plops one out and leaves it screaming and crying.

BB has some qualities of Teeth in that the guys are macho fodder for our crazed Jennifer. She leaves bodies behind and she still can't get satisfied.

Let's go thru the list....

1.) Bad boy gets head bashed in
2.) White trash kid gets lucky
3.) Suave dude gets massacred by a lamp

But that all changes when she meets Batz. Batz is not a normal boy. When he tells a lie, his Pinnochio nose can't get off. So what's a dude to do?

Inject it with roids and HGH. That makes perfect sense.

So now he has a mutant, self aware cock thats craving some pussy all the time. Holy shit. He's got a super duper steampunk Swedish penis pump machine just to get off. After meeting his dealer to sedate this big ass snake monster, he volunteers his house for Jennifer's photo shoot.

Three nutty gonzo scenes are illustrated in total insanity.

1.) A hip hop photo shoot with naked models who have vagina masks
2.) We see Batz's wild mutant schlong going all wild
3.) Batz gives a hooker an eternal orgasm

Soon, these 2 lovebirds meet up not before we get the most fucked up scene in the entire film.

4.) Batz's mutant dick detaches, goes all claymation, starts breaking floorboards and starts to attacks 5 really hot chicks in an apartment complex.

It's the most bizarre, oddly arousing totally fucked up piece of cinema I've ever seen. I can honestly say I've never seen a rogue, mutant, 'roided up, veiny penis attack and pleasure hot, big breasted porn stars in awesome claymation and rubbery animatronics.

Now that's a first.

To say Bad Biology is bad is critically asinine. Henenlotter wants you to laugh and squirm and feel aroused all at the same time. It reminded me of Killer Condom in its squirty cheesiness and has a very Brain Damagy feel as well.

The one thing you come away (yeah the jokes just write themselves) with is that you didn't watch this for a well conceived plot or any gore or splatter kill scenes.

For once admit that you wanted to see hot naked women get boinked in every position plus see some mutant penises and babies.

What more do you want?

Gore-ipedia

Head bashing
Lamp bashing
Penis mouth to mouth

Nude-ipedia

Gratuitous nudity at its most gratuitous
Big boobies
Small boobies
Shower boobies
Asian boobies
Black boobies
Porn on TV boobies
Penthouse Pet boobies
Playboy boobies
Porn Star boobies
Gratuitous full frontal

WTF moment

The penis monster goes on the prowl

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Well with this much nudity and sex you were bound to get some porn stars, Penthouse Pets and Playboy beauts in some cameos. Tina Krause, Krista Ayne, Rachel Robbins and hot porn star Jelena Jensen are all penis monster victims.

Don't kid yourself. You know exactly why you would Netflix, torrent or actually buy this film.

This is sleaze at its finest. No holds barred grindhouse erotica. So sexually charged amptitude, you want to visit this Henenlotter universe because its a throwback to all that is B movie glory cinema. The sleaze-meister is back. Can Brain Damage 2 be too far behind?

Rating:

1/2

The Trailer




Tags:
bad biology, bad biology trailer , Frank Henenlotter , basket case, brain damage, bad biology review, frankenhooker, gratuitous nudity, weird surreal, mutant penis,

Labels: bad biology, bad biology review, bad biology trailer, brain damage, Frank Henenlotter, gratuitous nudity, hookers, mutant penis, nudity, sexual killings

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

As I said before, the grindhouse and exploitation reboot craze is in full effect. From Bitch Slap to Sick Girl to Run Bitch Run to Black Dynamite, we're getting more of the ready to eat exploitation movies made for the new millennium.

But the teaser, promo and full trailer for Jessicka Rabid is a little below the surface when it comes the grindhouse artsy filth of old. This flick is a more grimey, sticky floor, very fucked up exploitation movie via the 70s insanity of old.

The fraked up plot is below.

A dysfunctional family, the Hoffman's have been living their lives in a veil of secrecy. Incest, rape are a part of their every day lives. A product of which, is Jessicka.

After years of nameless abuse of her family and neighbors, Jessicka has been reduced to something less than human. She's more of a family pet than she is a true member of the family. Jessicka is the tragic character brought up from her surroundings, and suddenly finds her opportunity for revenge.

Starring Elske McClain and directed by Matthew Reel.

Check out the teaser, promo and full trailer below.


Teaser Trailer


Jessicka Rabid (Teaser Trailer)



Official Trailer


Jessicka Rabid (Official Trailer)



Promo Trailer


Jessicka Rabid promo



Check out the official site for more information. Not sure if this has been released but it will be sometime in 2009.

Labels: 70s grindhouse movies, Elske McClain, exploitation, exploitation film, gratuitous nudity, grindhouse, jessicka rabid, jessicka rabid trailer, rape and revenge films

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

It's Friday the 13th. Today the overhyped reimagining is released. I should be reviewing that soon. But alot of fans weapon up when you bring up the question which Friday is the best. Part 2? Part 6? Original?

I have always thought Part 3 is the best. It's classic, taking the legend in the first 2 and adding more.

The thing about the Fthe13th films is you have to grade them on a curve. They should include the following:

1.) Jason Voorhees (or his mom)
2.) High body count with clever and gruesome deaths
3.) Nudity! Nudity! Nudity!
4.) An ending with a twist or a clever plot device or a reference that a sequel will be made

Lets begin with #1. This is Jason in his purest form. He's not a zombie yet. He's a pissed off, inbred, disfigured redneck momma's boy bent on killing anybody who comes to Crystal Lake.

#2 is fulfilled from some of the scenes below. Stab mouths, pitchfork to the neck, ocular trauma, shower scene and standing on your hands jackass deaths, slashed throats, hot poker through the stomach and pure machete carnage.

Ahh #3. Good amount, just enough to get what you need.

And finally #4, that ending that homages the original. Jason gets noosed (or so you think!) then hatcheted in the head (like Harry Potter, he keeps the hatchet scar throughout the series), but still keeps on truckin. His body lays motionless in the last final shot.....

So on to the list.

The Jaded Viewer's Top 5 Scenes in Friday the 13th: Part 3

5.) 3D Opening Credits and Gratuitous Yo Yo (tie)

Why it kicks ass: The credits are as 3D ocean of coolness. And as most of Part 3 has gratuitous 3D (popcorn, stoners etc) , it's the yo yo that seems the most gratuitous in the entire movie.

Opening Credits





Gratuitous Yo Yo





4.) Jason unmasks and becomes the unkillable slasher we all love


Why it kicks ass: We finally get a nice clean shot of an unmasked Jason. He survives the hanging, grabs his trademark machete, kills the biker brotha and then gets HATCHETED right in the head by final girl Chris.





3.) Mrs Voorhees gets her revenge

Why it kicks ass: An homage to the original you saw coming a mile away. It's a dream sequence but its fuckin fitting.






2.) 3D Ocular Trauma


Why it kicks ass: This is the best 3D effect in the entire movie. Actually it's best scene in the entire movie. Jason squeezes Rick's head popping out his eyeball in glorious 3D. One of the best ocular trauma's of all time.





1.) He gets the hockey mask

Why it kicks ass: It's a historical moment. We see Jason in the hockey mask for the first time after killing clown ass Shelly. He shoots Vera with a spear gun, drops the spear gun non chalantly and walks away. Fuckin perfect.





(Here's a complete video of all the kills from Part 3 as an extra bonus)



I hear the remake has a few scenes honoring Parts 1-4 with the spear gun being the most prominent. Will this version be better than Part 3?

I don't fuckin think so. Part 3 works on so many levels.It's awesome in 2D and becomes more awesomer in 3D. There is no Corey Feldman, or fake Jason or psychic girl, or Uber Jason or Jason body jumping. Part 3 is Jason Voorhees in his purest form. Unstoppable killer, king of all slashers.

Now that's something you can't remake, reimagine or ever copy.




Tags:
friday the 13th part 3, friday the 13th part 3 review , 3d horror movies , Jason hockey mask, , gratuitous nudity, , 3D, , horror remake, top 5 scenes in friday the 13th part 3,

Labels: 3d eyeball, 3d scenes in friday the 13th part 3, friday the 13th, friday the 13th part 3, gratuitous nudity, jason gets hockey mask, jason voohees, top 5 scenes in friday the 13th part 3

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

I'll tell you straight out. I had never heard of this trilogy of movies by Kosuke Suzuki but I did see he directed Eko Eko Azarak: Awakening. So hearing of this ridiculousness of this series was pretty much an interesting peek into the weirdness of his filmography.

So why is this in the jaded viewer's radar?

1.) It stars famous Japanese AV stars in the lead roles.

The first movie starred Koharu Tohno, the second movie starred Sola Aoi who caused her rabid, horny fans to make this cult-ish. [Salivating]......!!!.......[End Salivating]


The 3rd movie stars Rio, another hottie Japanese AV star. OK OK, I see how this is waaaay popular thanks to the salarymen and otakus.

Rio, oh Rio

2.) Second, the plot of the entire series is only something the Japanese could come up with.

Check it out below.

Enjo Kousai Bokumetsu Undou is a series of movies in which teen prostitutes are humiliated and abused in various ways in a sadistic attempt to get them off the streets. Then comes the sweet, sweet revenge. (thanks to Nippon Cinema)

Each of the movie's "plots" are below.

Part 2

In Tokyo, prostitution in the name of “Enjo Kosai” is in fashion among some high school girls. A mysterious man Kuni lament such girls but cannot deny a strong desire for them. He punish the girls by having sex with them without paying them. He calls this operation “Stop the Bitch Campaign” for public justice. Working in a sex trade shop where abnormal people are satisfied with their lust. Aoi tries to find out the man who raped her desperately in the past. One day, Aoi meets Kuni. The battle between a violent but beautiful girl and an abnormal dirty man is set to start again !

Part 3

Rio plays Azusa, the older sister of a girl named Megumi who committed suicide under mysterious circumstances. After some investigating, she discovers Megumi was driven to suicide by a man named Kuni and his “enboku” plan to humiliate teenage girls and drive them away from prostitution by any means necessary. She had dismissed what she had heard about Kuni as urban legend, but the horrific stories about girls being forced to don signs and be branded with phrases like “female pig” were apparently all true. In fact, Megumi’s corpse had been branded with that very phrase; Kuni had to be the one responsible. Azusa swears revenge, and with the help of fellow classmate Ayano she starts tracking him down. However, it was just the beginning of a hell neither of them could have imagined…

Check out the trailer for the 3rd movie (courtesy of Nippon Cinema)





Check out the official site.

So what have we learned?

This movie is comparable to our American Zombie Strippers. The plots are almost irrelevant and gratuitous nudity (well not really that gratuitous as they are porn stars) is almost guaranteed.

The only thing missing is they couldn't cast the amazingly hot Maria Ozawa as well?


Stop the Bitch Campaign Part 3 is scheduled to be released in Japan around March, 2009.

Labels: gratuitous nudity, japan av stars, japan av stars nude, japanese porn, maria ozawa nude, porn stars, rio nude, sola aoi nude, Stop the Bitch Campaign, Stop the Bitch Campaign trailer

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Dismal: Eat or Be Eaten

Dismal: Eat or Be Eaten (2008)

Directed by Gary King

What kind of rating do you give to a movie that falls into it's so bad, it's good enough to be MST3K-ed and thus makes it funny enough to watch?

1 and half spinkicks? 2 spins? 2 and half?

Because that's how I felt about how I had to rate Dismal.

You'll see what I gave it at the end of this review.

Dismal: Eat or be Eaten is like a Dharma Initiative can labeled "HORROR MOVIE (WITH EXTRA CANNIBALS)".

It's so cliched, so generic, so assembly line produced, that it would have been tossed into the used DVD bin and be lost forever. Thank goodness the DVD I got was free.

Dismal is mix of Hatchet and the Hills Have Eyes. You've seen it all before. If it looks and tastes like canned peas. It's fuckin peas.

But what happens when instead of you seeing all green peas, they made some red peas, or blue peas or yellow peas. Wouldn't you chuckle just a little bit? Seeing M&M peas would make laugh.

And that's why as I watched I went all Tom Servo and Crow on this mess of a flick and it actually made this hilariously decent.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

What does a girl have to do to pass science class? Stay alive!

Dana can’t afford to fail, so she goes on a field trip with other college students
to the Great Dismal Swamp. While Dana and her tasty friends are looking for extra credit, terrifying swamp cannibals are looking for dinner.

Eat or be eaten!

Horror is served hot and steamy with a side order of sick in DISMAL.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

The simple cliched review is to do the pun on words and say Dismal was absolutely dismal. But it actually wasn't. The production value is highly low but the film itself was filled with some nice visuals, hot looking hotties and some mean looking makeup effects.

The CGI special effects on the other hand were hilariously bad. So bad I was cracking up at the sight of them. But we'll get to that in sec.

So for this review, we'll use the checklist I used for my review of Hatchet.

Below is a list of what we here at the jaded viewer deem as full of chunky gooeyness when it comes to the ingredients of a solid slasher-palooza.

Does Dismal achieve everything on this list?

1.) A mysterious, insanely strong, ridiculed as a child, deformed, inbred redneck slasher.

Check. (plus he has a undercover papa whose equally fucked up)

2.) Gratuitous, over the top, super fleshy nudity (with Grade A boobage)?

Check.

3.) Stereotypical teenage caricatures who die gruesome and horrific over the top deaths?

Check.

3a.) Are you telling me there's a brunette kick ass final girl, a blonde bimbo, a nerdy kid, a slutty whore and a token black guy?

Yes. I mean check.

4.) No Plot?

Check.

5.) Kills by our slasher that make you go "Fuck yeah!"

Semi check. (Well they didn't make me go "Fuck yeah", more like "HAHAHAHAHHA. That's fuckin funny")

6.) Gore, lots of it. Like serious decapitation, dismemberment, impalement, hatchet frenzy steroid rages and blood shooting out at various penetration wounds, limbs a flailing and mindless splatter and mayhem

Semi check.

OK here is where the death scenes become uber ridiculous as most of our kills are done with really bad CGI. I mean these were done on like Windows 98 using Paint.

1.) Token black guy gets "hooked" in the mouth.
2.) Slutty whore gets her feet "bear trapped" off (yet she doesn't scream?) and then gets her face bear trapped.
3.) Blonde bimbo gets steel wired sliced in half (the CGI on this is soooooo fuckin bad that I was literally on the floor laughing uncontrollably)
4.) Nerdy guy gets his arm cut off

7.) Geeky leader who takes charge of the hapless group as they try to escape who befriends a hot girl who knows about the "legend" (there's always a legend no one believes)

Semi check. (Hot girl actually doesn't know about the legend)

8.) Funny yet ill timed dialogue but also various quips and one liners that are funny only the first time around (yet somehow funny again when you buy the DVD and only when you're stoned)

Check. (But this movie is probably way awesomer when your stoned)

9.) Final girl goes all final girly?

Check.

10.) Wildly ambigious ending that can be used to warrant a sequel?

Check.

As I keep saying it's all generic. You know, couple has sex, they die. A run and trip girl gets caught in a highly complicated trap that no way a inbred redneck could possibly devise and dies. Random twist inserted for no reason whatsover.

I did mention the CGI was hilariously bad right? There are two scenes that make this milk coming out of your nose funny. One is a shotgun blast by our final girl where you see CGI blood oozing out from the fake CGI hole of our would be redneck slasher. The other scene is a supposed explosion of a cabin. The CGI fire and explosion look so fake, it's like they put a lighter in front of the camera.

But the filmmakers had to know it would look cheesy. So I'm gonna take it as such. And this is why Dismal will get 2 spinkicks. 1 spinkick for following generic slasher cliches with gratuitous nudity and 1 spinkick for the extra, would you like more Velveeta cheesy CGI effects.

Dismal is Hatchet's handicapped little brother who has a speech impediment. It does what it set out to do. Be funny, entertaining and outright ridiculous.

And peas, even deformed, colorful M&M peas taste good.

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

Token black guy gets "hooked" in the mouth
Slutty whore gets her feet "bear trapped" off and then gets her face bear trapped
Blonde bimbo gets steel wired sliced in half
Nerdy guy gets his arm cut off
Horrible CGI gunshot to the stomach
Burnt beyond recog
Slice and stab
Human Heart
Wooden spike death

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)

Slutty whore boobs and ass
Lots of belly skin

WTF moment

The really fake looking slice and dice death scene of blonde bimbo

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

This is not a good movie by any means. But what happens when the movie is so bad, that you start to enjoy it because it's unintentionally funny. The "It's so bad, it's good" category of horror movies is very hard to rate. The first one that comes to mind is Snakes on a Plane which I ranked as #7 on my Top Horror Movies of 2006.

So after much thought, Dismal warrants 2 spinkicks. It's too bad MSt3K is gone and couldn't get their hands on this flick. Tom Servo and Crow would have a total field day on Dismal.

Rating:

The Trailer





Tags:
dismal, dismal trailer , dismal review , horror movies of 2008, dismal eat or be eaten, dismal eat or be eaten review, fearmakers, bloody violence, top gore movies, slasher movies,gratuitous nudity,

Labels: american horror, dismal eat or be eaten, dismal review, dismal trailer, gore, gratuitous nudity, hatchet, slasher films, splatter, splatter gore

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Stuck

Stuck (2008)

Directed by Stuart Gordon

An old urban legend goes that after an all night drinking binge, a man discovers the body of a little girl embedded in the car's grill.

My sister's friend's uncle's cousin's roommate told me that.

We totally dismiss these outrageous urban legends as exagerrated works of fiction but how about if they were somewhat true?

A movie based on an urban legend that is based on an actual true story is hard to pull off. I mean there is a movie called Urban Legends for goodness sakes that sucked.

But what horror maestro Stuart Gordon has accomplished with Stuck is a credit to the Reanimator director. Stuck is simple, chilling and effective in everything that is put on the screen. A monumental film that satires who we are and what we would do in the most extreme situation. And it's got gore too.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Brandi is a hard-partying, overworked, nursing assistant desperate for a promotion at the retirement home where she works. After a night of drug-binging and partying, she accidentally hits a certain Thomas Bardo a deadbeat and recently evicted man who gets stuck in the windshield of her car.

Not wanting to call for help since she is driving under the influence, Brandi, chooses not to get Thomas medical help and instead drives home and leaves him clinging to his life in the windshield of her car. While Brandi frantically tries to decide what she is going to do, Thomas, tries to free himself knowing his time is running out.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

It's the driving force of the characters that makes Stuck so effective. The hot Mena Suvari, is brilliant as Brandi, the nursing assistant turned semi killer. We feel for Brandi, she's not Hitler evil but out to protect herself. Her lack of indifference is quite amazing to watch as she attempts to cover up her heinous crime (I used heinous in a sentence!).

Stephen Rea as Thomas Bardo, the unfortunate hit and not run victim is awesomly portrayed by Rea. In a suspension of disbelief that Tom is still alive after getting stuck in a windshield, his actions are not all superpower, adrenaline charged comeback story of the year.

He slowly tries to get out of his situation by pleading for help, reaching for a cell phone and fixing his bum leg. He's alive and barely. He's not MacGyvering his way out of this but doing everything possible to make sure he's breathing at the end. So somewhat realistic, your cringing after every close call.

The cat and mouse game by Brandi and Tom is frightening in its realism and in its outrageousness. Gordon gives us his trademark black humor in this chaos in the form of pimped up drug dealer boyfriend of Brandi's named Rashid (Russell Hornsby).

He plays the bad ass mac daddy who has to help Brandi get out of this true urban legend and his transformation is outright hilarious going from ghetto superstar to clueless, frightened bumbling petty criminal.

The dialogue and converfunnies are right on. Gordon knows his audience and includes funny rationales between all the characters.

The classic moment is the actual hit which runs in scary slo mo. So funny and slick at the sametime I was LOLing as Brandi drove around Providence with a man sticking out of her windshield.

Each scene seemed to toy with our expectations. Everytime you think help would arrive for poor, stuck Tom, we get sideswiped into a different direction.

Poor Tom can't catch a break.


Check out a scene from Stuck as Tom tries to call for help and gets a audio cameo from Jeffrey Combs.




By the end, I wanted our anti-tagonist Brandi to pay for what she did, but somehow still be intact. Maybe she could just pay a fine. But some sense of justice is dished out and all the main characters are brought to their ends as they should.

Stuck brings back Gordon to the horror limelight once again as I'll admit I abandoned him a while ago. I'm glad this will get him on the radar. The fact that this is a loosely based on a true story is scary shit. Stuck questions the world we live in, satirizing would we do the right thing in the most fucked up situation. I'm glad I don't have to make that choice.

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

Windshield slicing and gut dicing
Ocular trauma
Burned beyond recognition
Poopiness

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)

Mena Suvari boobiness!!! Yes!!! (with extra on the top and bottom simulated sex scenes!)
A ho's full frontal body boobs and etc.

WTF moment

The slo mo hit of Tom being lodged into Brandi's windshield. Classic shit.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

I really thought this movie was a straight to the DVD used bin flick. But I must admit I was dead wrong. I was mesmerized for 80 or so minutes and was applauding by the end. Stuck hit on all cylinders of what a good horror movie is suppose to be.

1.) Outrageous premise
2.) Somewhat believable characters
3.) Gratuitous nudity
4.) Splatter and gore
5.) Satire intelligent enough for the horror fan to understand
6.) An ending now satisfies the story

When you add it all up together, Stuck accomplishes all of this and more. Stuart Gordon exploitation masterpiece should be seen by all horror fans. Now thats its on DVD, put this on top of your Netflix q immediately.

It will be Stuck in your head weeks later after watching it.


Rating:

The Trailer





Tags:
stuck, stuck review , stuck trailer , stuart gordon, gratuitous nudity, horror comedy, mena suvari naked, mena suvari nude, top 10 horror movies 2008, gore, teen horror, urban legend

Labels: gratuitous nudity, mena suvari, mena suvari naked, mena suvari nude, stuart gordon, stuck, stuck review, urban legend

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

I wouldn't be a horror site if I didn't cover the big news of the day, right? So here's my obligatory post of the Friday the 13th remake, slated to be released on February 13th, 2009.

Yahoo Movies got the jump yesterday and has the full trailer online. Check it out by going here.

The new poster is also up as you can see above.

I totally dig the new Jason Voorhees. He does look menacing and from the trailer seems a wee bit smarter than your average slasher redneck. It may just be me, but pre-zombied Jason is the best (Part III to me is the best of em all).

I'd rank em as Voorhees, Myers, Kreuger.

The trailer is flashy, but very spoiler ridden. Did we really need 13 "almost" kills? Fuck you for doing that. As long as Jason's screen time is limited (I know thats blasphemous to say) this would probably work better as the early movies made it a point to show only 10-15 minutes of Jason.

And of course we need to follow our basic F13th model work flow. It should be as follows:

1.) A final girl
2.) Jason Voorhees
3.) Gratuitous Nudity
4.) Kill quality

2 totally awesome kills ("Oh that was fuckin awesome")
4-5 decent kills ("Wow, that must have hurt")
2 he was killed offscreen kills ("That's where that blowtorch ended up")
3 machete kills ("Jason totally went all Kill Bill with his machete")

5.) Spooky music
6.) Stereotypical cardboard cutouts of teenagers
7.) The local who warns the teens of impending danger
8.) Jason unmasked
9.) Jason gets killed by final girl
10.) A total WTF ending

That's all I'm asking for. Thoughts about the trailer? the remake?

Now back to your regular scheduled program.


Tags:
friday the 13th remake, friday the 13th remake trailer , friday the 13th remake theatrical full trailer , friday the 13th remake poster, jason voorhees, friday the 13th remake spoilers, friday the 13th, gratuitous nudity, horror movie 2009,

Labels: final girl, friday the 13th, friday the 13th full trailer, friday the 13th poster, friday the 13th remake, friday the 13th remake trailer, gratuitous nudity, jason voohees, untitled friday the 13th

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Wicked Lake

Wicked Lake (2008)

Directed by Zach Passero

I can actually sum up my review in 5 words.

Skinemax version of the Craft.

Any red blooded American male wants to see nympho witches go all lesbo and suck blood. It's part of our DNA. But like porn, it's those nagging scenes of "plot" that seem to get in the way. Get to the gratuitous boobies already.

What exactly is Wicked Lake? A rape and revenge movie? A horror skinmax movie? A supernatural, Jess Franco Vampyros Lesobos reboot?

The acting is atrocious. The dialogue is like scratching on a blackboard. The rednecks play out like uber parodies of rednecks and the cops are more inept than a Gordon Lewis blood movie.

Put it together you have 2/3 full of beautiful hot looking succubi going all killy, and 1/3 Deliverance gone wrong.

Sorry, that's just not even going to get 2 spinkicks in my book.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

WICKED LAKE is a supernatural tale about four mysterious, attractive girls venture on a road trip for a relaxing weekend getaway. Unbeknownst to them, two clans of deranged male misfits follow them to their secluded, picturesque lakeside cabin in the mountains. The girls appear to be easy prey for the predatory perverts until the fateful stroke of midnight when all hell, literally, breaks loose!

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Lets have fun with this review shall we? If we could compare to a skinemax movie lets see if it fits all the cliches that does.

SKINEMAX CLICHE #1

Opening scene of gratuitous nudity over the opening credits

WICKED LAKE VERSION

The opening scene is of a hot girl posing naked for a bunch of art students in a class.

MATCH?: YES!!

SKINEMAX CLICHE #2

Introduction of cheesy characters (possibly parodies of Hollywood genres) with C or D level actors and actresses (always 2/3 pornstars 1/3 skinemax veterans)

WICKED LAKE VERSION

We are introduced to Caleb, our gay "good" bad guy and his redneck, horny inbred redneck family. We are also introduced to our lesbian foursome. Mary our tushy brunette, Helen our hot girl next door, Jill our Amy Winehouse lookalike and Ilene our hippy model.

MATCH?: YES!!

SKINEMAX CLICHE #3

A scene of gratuitous nudity with lesbians making out in a music video montage

WICKED LAKE VERSION

A scene of gratuitous nudity with lesbians making out in a music video montage MATCH?: YES!!

SKINEMAX CLICHE #4

Set up of couples going on vacation at a hypersexed resort, getting massages and skinny dipping in the pool.

WICKED LAKE VERSION

Set up of 4 carefree girls going to a cabin by the lake, going skinny dipping and encountering some horny males

MATCH?: YES!! (SORTA)

SKINEMAX CLICHE #5

Scene of a nympho woman teaching an inexperienced woman how to please her man

WICKED LAKE VERSION

Rednecks force the 4 coeds to suck the flute, resulting in gratuitous rock smashing and death

MATCH?: NO....wow that's not even close.

SKINEMAX CLICHE #6

The cop investigating the murder at a brothel gets seduced by the very friendly staff

WICKED LAKE VERSION

The 4 succubi/vampyros lesbos exact their revenge on our hillybillies by going all butchery. This includes:

1.) John Bobbit-ed
2.) Brain eating a straw blood drinking
3.) Arms and legs cut off (not shown because that would have required real CGI and money)
4.) Throat biting
5.) Beheadings with microwave explosion
6.) Gratuitous dental work
7.) Shotgun blast to the head
8.) Gunshot blast to the balls

MATCH?: NO....hmm. I thought that one would be similar.

SKINEMAX CLICHE #7

The final scene is usually where our original uptight couple now becomes unhibited and lets it all loose and we get 10 minutes of simulated sex

WICKED LAKE VERSION

More of the naked girls in the lake as the credits roll

MATCH?: Close enough

So as you see, 5 out of 7 times, it fell in line with a skinemax version. Just because you can drop in a Angela Bettis cameo doesn't mean it makes your film a horror movie. You can't argue a movie where there is total full frontal and boobage that is right in your face. What you can argue is that when you try to add horror elements and it comes out all huh? what? eh?, you've really haven't done your homework.

I enjoy blooded splatter and soaked hot looking lesbians as much as anybody, but c'mon now. We horror fans deserve more than that don't we?

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

1.) John Bobbit-ed
2.) Brain eating a straw blood drinking
3.) Arms and legs cut off (not shown because that would have required real CGI and money)
4.) Throat biting
5.) Beheadings with microwave explosion
6.) Gratuitous dental work
7.) Shotgun blast to the head
8.) Gunshot blast to the balls

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)

1.) Art model boobies
2.) Lesbian montage makout nudity
3.) Skinny dipping and naked sun tanning nudity
4.) Full frontal nudity by Amy Winehouse look a like
5.) More skinny dipping

WTF moment

The 5 minute lesbian makeout session

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

As I said, I just can't give this 2 spinkicks. Nudity alone doesn't warrant a average rating. Nudity and a solid plot, lots of gore and splatter. That's the holy fuckin trinity of a good horror movie. 1 out of 3 gets you 1 and half spinkicks.

Maybe Passero's next flick will be a little better. Shit, if you wanted to provide a soundtrack to Ministry's latest album, a music video would have sufficed. But 90 minutes of this was a little overkill.

Rating:

1/2

Labels: gratuitous nudity, lesbians, ministry, wicked lake, wicked lake review

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

I put up the poster for Run Bitch Run a week ago and took a look at some production photos. I was psyched then and now we get to see the awesome trailer in 2 versions.

1.) A regular, official PG-13 version (see below)
2.) A XXX, NOT SAFE FOR FUCKIN WORK, TONS OF BOOBIES and all out gratuitous nudity version. Click here for that one you perv.

It reminds me of the awesome Black Devil Doll trailer which totally blew my mind (and other things ;-P)

Here is a quick "plot" summary.

RUN! BITCH RUN! tells the story of Catherine and Rebecca, two Catholic School girls going door-to-door selling Religious paraphernalia in order to pay for their education. Things go horribly wrong when they knock on the wrong door in the wrong neighborhood. After she is brutally raped and left for dead Catherine awakes with one thing on her mind, REVENGE.

Run! Bitch Run! is a throw back to the classic 1970's Rape and Revenge films like 'Last House On the Left' and 'Ms. 45. The film takes place in the late 1970’s where the lack of modern technology made the world a more vulnerable place. This is an original story that has not been explored in recent films. Its uniqueness and chilling subject matter lends itself to horror/thriller audiences looking for something new.

Written by Robert James Hayes II and Joseph Guzman.

Here's the PG-13 trailer.





Check out the official site for more info and production photos and cast info. Thanks to Arrow in the Head for the scoop.


Tags:
black dynamite, run bitch run , run bitch run poster , blaxploitation, exploitation films, ms 45, exploitation film, gratuitous nudity, top movies of 2008, rape revenge movies, horror blog,last house on the left, the jaded viewer, grindhouse, interracial sex, run bitch run trailer, run bitch run xxx trailer, naked women

Labels: exploitation, exploitation film, gratuitous nudity, grindhouse, ms. 45, naked women, nudity, rape and revenge films, run bitch run, run bitch run trailer, the last house on the left

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Hell Ride

Hell Ride (2008)

Directed by Larry Bishop

The 3 B's. Bikers, Beer and Booty. That's the philosophy behind The Victors gang. I especially like the booty part.

Lots of booty. And girls. Naked big breasted girls. It was a multicultural smorgasboard of biker babes and strippers.

So much hotness, you can get easily confused. It was like being on nudity heroin.

But once you become sober, you begin to realize that Hell Ride gives you full frontal and nothing else.

And in my opinion, you can't call that a movie.

Executive produced by the one and only Quentin Tarantino, and directed by Larry Bishop (a legendary biker movie director), this modern day update of 70s biker movies. Seriously, I'm no expert in this genre but in the 21st century, this is the one grindhouse subgenre that just doesn't translate well.

And that shortcoming doesn't even bring up the main fuck up of this movie.

It's all style and no substance.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

The story deals with the characters Pistolero, the Gent and Comanche and the deadly, unfinished business among them.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

I think there were more scenes of bikers and babes fucking than bikers vs bikers in shootouts. Let me doublecheck. Yup. That's right.

For every scene where Bishop tries to write some Tarantino-ish dialogue (which can be summed up in a lengthy "fire"innuendo between our main dude Pistolero and his bikette) we get our Victors enjoying the fruits of their labor.

Be it in a hippie bonfire commune with a belly of naked hotties or in a midwest fashion show of silicon enhanced chicks mud wrestling. As much as I love scenes filled with 120% gratuitous nudity, you figure you'd get your even distribution of fancy, ridiculous shootouts with massive explosions. And I especially like my shootouts and bike chases with some plot that keeps me entertained.

The characters of Pistolero (Bishop), the Gent (Madsen) and Commanche (Eric Balfour) are entertaining and slick suited, but at 70 minutes you're not really gonna go into back story which might have elevated this movie into some memorable lines. We even get a cameo from Eddie Zero (Dennis Hopper) which just seems like it was way too homage-y.

Our main adversaries for the Victors are the Six Six Six (Sixers) gang who led by The Deuce (David "Kill Bill" Carradine) and Billy Wings (Vinnie Jones). And they weren't that even fuckin intimidating. The fuckin Guardian Angels could kick their ass.

Some revenge plot or some shit is thrown in and a mysterious safe desposit box generates some deux ex machina.

Whatever.

Even the climactic ending was well, without a climax.

The best part of Hell Ride is the gratuitous nudity. I can't believe I wrote that. But it's true. It looks like a overmaxed Tarantino film but not filled with the detail that you would get from QT. Even in a short 60 minutes, QT's Death Proof gave you hottie characters in a time warped muscle car movie.

Ehhh. What a big disappointment. Bikes. Beer. Booty and Babes. How could that not turn out good?

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

Throat slicing
Gunshot wounds
Arrow trauma
Headshots
Beheading
Fire killing

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)

Nudy magazine nudity
Hippie girl nudity (some full frontal)
Biker girl nudity (some full frontal)
Stripper nudity (some full frontal)
Cherokee Indian girl nudity
Asian girl nudity (full frontal)
Girl on Girl action
Hot oil wrestling girl on girl action
Punk rock girl nudity

WTF moment

Just seeing a hot Filipina chick go full frontal made me go....WTF!?!?! Awesome.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Some style, no substance. Just because Quentin Tarantino's name is on this, don't see it if you think you're gonna see Death Proof but with choppers.

But fuck, if you wanna see some old guys ride bikes, fuck hotties and stage lame ass shootouts, go right ahead.

You know you just wanna watch for the gratuitous nudity anyway.

Rating:

1/2

Tags:
hell ride, hell ride red band trailer , quentin tarantino , bikers, michael madsen, top horror movies of 2008, gratuitous nudity, jadedviewer

Labels: bikers, bloody violence, david carradine, dennis hopper, gratuitous nudity, hell ride, hell ride red band trailer, hell ride review, larry bishop, michael madsen, quentin tarantino, vinnie jones

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

The 2nd trailer for Bitch Slap looks waaaaay better than the first. More explosions, more action, more cleavage!

Woohoo!

Check out the trailer below.






Tags:
bitch slap, bitch slap trailer , bitch slap unrated uncensored trailer , faster pussycat kill kill kill, b-movie, grindhouse, exploitation film, gratuitous nudity, top horror movie 2008, muscle car movies, big boobs, horror blog,cult classic, the jaded viewer

Labels: b-movie, bitch slap, bitch slap trailer, btitch slap new trailer, exploitation, gratuitous nudity, grindhouse, muscle cars, quentin tarantino, thriller, top movies of 2009

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Postal

Postal (2007)

Directed by Uwe Boll

Uwe Boll has been called a lot of stuff. People are determined to stop him.

The but in the context of the bizarro world of Boll films, I have to admit, Postal was actually fuckin tolerable.

Filled with such John Waters disgust and offensive material that puts South Park to shame, it's a parody of controversial insanity.

Who wants to make a good movie really when you could just show kids getting shot to death?

And we should all go to hell when we all laugh at that right?

Boring Plot-O-Matic

In the ironically named city of Paradise, a recently laid-off loser teams up with his cult-leading uncle to steal a peculiar bounty of riches from their local amusement park; somehow, the recently arrived Taliban have a similar focus, but a far more sinister intent.


Awesome Review-O-Matic

A real review would be giving Uwe Boll my precious time and internet blog space. Instead, I'll cut to the chase and list all the fucked up shit in the movie. I mean, that's really what you wanted to read about right?

Actually funny shit.....

1.) Opening fucked up 9/11 scene and "virgin controversy"
2.) Hot, scantily clad naked hotties
3.) Random "postal" shootout massacres
4.) Crotchy dolls
5.) Little Germany amusement park
6.) Multiple kids getting their asses shot
7.) The cops fucked up activities

Just vulgar, dumb or fucked up shit.....

1.) Dave Foley's dick
2.) Fat woman porn
3.) Verne Troyer being a fuckin dumb ass
4.) Taliban and Osama Bin Laden parodies
5.) Insane, really over the top shootouts
6.) Uwe Boll cameo
7.) The cops fucked up activities
8.) The entire movie

This movie was actually 100 minutes. Seriously, that's 1 hour and 40 minutes I had to endure of a Uwe Boll film. But, for the first time I wasn't trying to rip my eyeballs apart. Yeah its fuckin offensive and vulgar and outright ridiculous, but I'd rather be watching this than some actual attempt of Uwe trying to turn Grand Theft Auto into a movie.

We still have to stop you Uwe. You really must stop making movies.

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

Gunshot wounds (multiple)
Suicide Bomber splatter
A alot of gunshot trauma

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)

Very hot naked hippie cult hotties show off their boobies

WTF moment

Child-a-cide

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Stop making movies Uwe. We know your movies are funded by Nazi gold. So why don't you just remake Women of the SS or some shit. It can star Kristanna Loken because we really need to see her naked.

You've got the power to get her to be naked onscreen.

Get to work Uwe.

Rating:
The Trailer





Tags:
postal, postal review , uwe boll , stop uwe boll, olaf ittenbach, paradise city, violent shit, video game movies, postal trailer, 2008 horror movies,

Labels: gratuitous nudity, osama bin laden, postal, postal dude, postal review, shooting massacres, stop uwe boll, uwe boll, video game movies

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

[It's Kekko Kamen Fridays!!! Thanks to Insano Steve, for the next few Fridays we'll have a review of the Kekko Kamen series, a sleazy, Skinemaxish superhero movies straight from the headquarters of the strange, Japan. Insano Steve spared no expense in fleshing out the movies and you'll find his reviews stimulating and penetrating. Pun so intended!]

Kekko Kamen: The MGF Strikes Back

Kekko Kamen: The MGF Strikes Back (1992)

Directed by Yutaka Akiyama

Prologue

Japan is a country with no natural resources. It's basically a bunch of barren rocks floating in salt water. But the Japanese have made the most of this unfortunate situation by working 18-hour work days and maintaining a conservative culture. This obviously takes a toll on the Japanese psyche so there must be some outlet for these repressed overworked souls.

Hello Hentai!

Hentai is the happy collision of cartoons and pornography.

The Japanese really love their hentai because:

1) They're perverts.

2) One resource they have is great imaginations. Japan is the most technologically advanced nation in the world. They can't just watch the same old porn over and over.

3) They are youth-obsessed. Hello-Kitty/J-Pop crap is a freaking big deal there. And so are cartoons.

Let's take a look at my favorite hentai (well hentai minus the penetration), the wonderful Kekko Kamen. This was an anime that was ironically turned into a series of live-action movies.

Kekko Kamen (which means "Big Tit Avenger" in English), is the story of a girl, Mayumi, who attends the boarding school, "Toenail of Satan's Spartan Institute of Higher Education".

The school is run by sexual deviants (the ManGriffons/MFG) who use the school to grope, peep, molest and torture the students for their own sexual gratification (hey, like the Catholic Church!).

The students' only protection from the pervs is Kekko Kamen. Our heroine wears only red boots, a mask (with rabbit ears!), gloves, scarf, and her trusted nunchakus. So she's always fully frontally nude.

Oh Yeah!

Her special attack is her flying headscissor move, the "Muffication", which works by asphyxiating her enemy with her radioactive vagina. Kekko’s civilian identity is the one non-pervert teacher at the school. Though this is not technically pornography, it is certainly perverted (in a good way of course) and plenty of fun.

Here's a rundown of the second film in the series Kekko Kamen.

The Kekko series doesn’t really have any continuity so this is a sequel in name only. This time, Mayumi’s in “Celebrity Training School” where she’s learning how to become a celebrity (yeah, seriously). Budget on this one’s maybe $300.

The perversion is way toned down here. Kekko does however unleash her “Special Reverse Crotch Revealer”, which can be described as ‘death by asshole’. The MFG computer’s screen saver is an oscillating dick (huh?). The climax entails the girls being gagged with light bulbs; and Kekko beating up the MFG in what would appear to be the director’s basement.

In evaluating any T&A movie, one must foremost consider the quality of the “T”, and to a lesser extent, the “A”. The actress who plays Kekko Kamen is pretty, but not quite hot (albeit, very naked). The Mayumi actress is cute, but really dopey looking, and not hot at all.

The powers-that-be would recast these 2 principal roles for the next 2 episodes. And with resounding success.....

Rating:

The Trailer (of Part 1, because that opening theme song is so damn catchy!)






Tags:
kekko kamen, kekko kamen review , kekko kamen live action , kekko kamen trailer, japanese manga, japan anime, go nagai, gratuitous nudity, japan films, japan av stars, japan superhero,

Labels: go nagai, gratuitous nudity, japan av stars, japanese, japanese porn, kekko kamen, kekko kamen anime, kekko kamen review, manga

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

[It's Kekko Kamen Fridays!!! Thanks to Insano Steve, for the next few Fridays we'll have a review of the Kekko Kamen series, a sleazy, Skinemaxish superhero movies straight from the headquarters of the strange, Japan. Insano Steve spared no expense in fleshing out the movies and you'll find his reviews stimulating and penetrating. Pun so intended!]

Kekko Kamen

Kekko Kamen (NEW!) (2004)

Directed by Takafume Nagamine

Japan is a country with no natural resources. It's basically a bunch of barren rocks floating in salt water. But the Japanese have made the most of this unfortunate situation by working 18-hour work days and maintaining a conservative culture. This obviously takes a toll on the Japanese psyche so there must be some outlet for these repressed overworked souls.

Hello Hentai!

Hentai is the happy collision of cartoons and pornography.

The Japanese really love their hentai because:

1) They're perverts.

2) One resource they have is great imaginations. Japan is the most technologically advanced nation in the world. They can't just watch the same old porn over and over.

3) They are youth-obsessed. Hello-Kitty/J-Pop crap is a freaking big deal there. And so are cartoons.

Let's take a look at my favorite hentai (well hentai minus the penetration), the wonderful Kekko Kamen. This was an anime that was ironically turned into a series of live-action movies.

Kekko Kamen (which means "Big Tit Avenger" in English), is the story of a girl, Mayumi, who attends the boarding school, "Toenail of Satan's Spartan Institute of Higher Education".

The school is run by sexual deviants (the ManGriffons/MFG) who use the school to grope, peep, molest and torture the students for their own sexual gratification (hey, like the Catholic Church!).

The students' only protection from the pervs is Kekko Kamen. Our heroine wears only red boots, a mask (with rabbit ears!), gloves, scarf, and her trusted nunchakus. So she's always fully frontally nude.

Oh Yeah!

Her special attack is her flying headscissor move, the "Muffication", which works by asphyxiating her enemy with her radioactive vagina. Kekko’s civilian identity is the one non-pervert teacher at the school. Though this is not technically pornography, it is certainly perverted (in a good way of course) and plenty of fun.

Here's a rundown of the first film in the series Kekko Kamen.

Kekko Kamen has the best theme song ever. All movies start and end with this super-catchy theme. My favorite line is "Nobody knows her face, but everybody knows her nipples". That's good shit.

These movies are like only 70 minutes long and have a budget of maybe $200 each. Somehow, they make it work. That’s Japanese efficiency (we have much to learn).

In this episode, Mayumi is attending "Anchorwoman School" for aspiring tele-journalists. Sadly, Mayumi is kinda dumb so she gets punished by being tied up and whipped half-naked on a rocking horse.

There's also some forced extreme teeth brushing (don’t ask).

Later on, Kekko saves Mayumi from a sexually charged eel attack. She also returns all the panties that the school had been harvesting from the student body.

Alas, Mayumi does not get to be an anchorwoman and the ManGriffons escape with the help their teleporter (which is shaped like a dick).

Rating:

The Trailer






Tags:
kekko kamen, kekko kamen review , kekko kamen live action , kekko kamen trailer, japanese manga, japan anime, go nagai, gratuitous nudity, japan films, japan av stars, japan superhero,

Labels: go nagai, gratuitous nudity, japan av stars, japanese, japanese porn, kekko kamen, kekko kamen anime, kekko kamen review, manga

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Kudos to UGO.com for creating a top 50 list of mega hottie scream queens. You gotta love blood soaked tank tops, tummy cleavage and gratuitous heavy artillery.

I love Juno from the Descent. Exotic, beautiful and totally fucked up.

Check out the other 49.

Tags:
top 50 hotties of horror, ugo horror hotties , horror beautful women , horror scream queens, horror hotties, naked women horror movies, top horror movies, gratuitous nudity, splatter films, hotties, , women of horror,

Labels: beautiful women, gratuitous nudity, horror hotties, top 10 scenes, top 50 hottest horror girls, top 50 hotties of horror, top 50 scream queens, ugo, ugo.com

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

It's Hostel on a train!!!! Yup that's what Train is about. Supposedly a remake of Terror Train, the movie is now its own and chocked full of gory tidbits and full fleshy nudity. Currently at NC-17 because of extreme splatter and boobies, this may be quite a flick.

Plot.................

In Europe, a group of American college athletes unknowingly board a train that will become one deadly ride

Hopefully, Thora Birch will partake in the nude-fest but she'll probably be running away from the maniac nutzoid killers. Back to Bratislava!!!

Check out the trailer below.







Tags:
train trailer thora birch, thora birch , american horror , terror train remake, gratuitous nudity,

Labels: gratuitous nudity, midnight meat train trailer, nc-167, terror train, terror train remake, thora birch, top horror movies, top horror movies of 2008

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Rule of Three

Rule of Three (2008)

Directed by Eric Shapiro

Is Tiffany Shepis in every indie and horror movie this year?

I'm watching Rule of Three via Fantestic Fest Online and poof! there she is. And what else would she be playing but a hot vixen. And it's a most appropriate role and scene.

And what an awesome scene it was (we'll get to that in a second).

But the nitty gritty deal of Rule of Three is it's not a horror movie but more like a film noir, a mystery that looks more like a Broadway play than an actual motion picture.

Because in movies, shit happens on screen, movies show scenes and action that could NOT happen on a stage. Who makes a movie where it takes place in one place (in this case a motel room) and all they do is talk?

But it works...slightly.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A suspenseful film-noir that takes place at three points in time within a single motel room, viewing the events before, during, and after a college graduate's abduction.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

OK lets review this little indie flick shall we?

As the plot says, we have three distinct points of the movie.

1.) A father and his wife who are looking for their missing daughter (NOW)
2.) A young college couple who are looking for a menage a trois (BEFORE)
3.) A middle aged man looking to score with his distraught female friend with some narcotics (BEFORE THE BEFORE)

Ala time shifting, the movie puts the movie in non chronological order which paces it pretty well for a 85 min movie. As we view into the NOW part, the acting by the father (Ben Siegler) who is determined to find his daughter is very gritty and real that it sets up his scenes nicely.

But it's the young college couple scenes (BEFORE) that are absurdly interesting. Lo (Rhoda Jordan) who is black and Jake (Cary Woodworth) who is white are totally porno-ing inside the motel room. They want to get a threesome going (because it's every guy's dream come true) and they have conversations that are generally witty and keep the scenes flowing. Soon, Jake finds someone who might be willing and she says she's into it. Score!

And booyah! we get some naked Tiffany Shepis. But of course we don't see the good shit which is most unfortunate. It seems not everything turns out like a Vivid Video flick and everybody involved is ultimately scarred (emoitionally and physically)

Then the movie turns into some surreal territory where we have a middle aged dude tries to score roofies from a drug dealer so he can score with his bestest best female friend.

Shit hits the fan and people die.

The movie ends on an ominous twist which doesn't really fit the rest of the movie but intertwines all three points. Nothing M. Nighty, but a wicked curveball that makes you go "thats fucked up dude".

Not much more to say. I didn't love this movie and I didn't hate it. I was a little intrigued by the buildup but I knew the payoff would be non existent. This is an average flick as average flicks go.

Influences

Film Noirs
Mystery movies
Thriller movies
Tape (that movie with Uma and Ethan)
Brick

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

Not a drop of blood

Nude-ipedia

YES!!! Tiffany Shepis goes all full frontal for us. But for like 8 seconds.

WTF moment

The twist at the end. It really made me go "WHAT THE FREAKIN FUCK?" (That doesn't mean it made it good)

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

A very lo fi, indie movie that bubbles up some suspense and really gets you involved in the movie. But the low budget somehow prevented it from going away from the motel room and creating more tension and scenes that could have made this movie boil and be really good.

Good first effort by Eric Shapiro who is the author of books 'Days of Allison' and 'It's Only Temporary'.

It reminded me of Brick (which I really liked). It's a movie that's as average as could be, but if you get a chance, watch it. It's different and it's unique. That's worth 2 spinkicks in my book.

Rating:
The Trailer:





Tags:
rule of three, rule of three review , tiffany shepis , tiffany shepis naked, gratuitous nudity, film noir, 2008 indepentdent horror movies, multiracial couple, top horror movie 2008,2008 fantastic fest, ,2008 fantastic fest online,

Labels: 2008 fantastic fest, amd fantastic fest online, eric shapiro, film noir, gratuitous nudity, menage a trois, mystery, rule of three, rule of three review, threesome, tiffany shepis

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Black Devil Doll comes out on December 31st!!!

Details for the DVD have come out.

• Audio commentary by the Lewises and their crew
• Audio commentary by the cast
• Audio commentary by the Black Devil Doll!
• Behind-the-scenes footage
• Still gallery

The first 1,000 DVDs purchased from blackdevildoll.com will receive two free collector's items:

• New BLACK DEVIL DOLL poster featuring new artwork from Stephen Romano

• BLACK DEVIL DOLL soundtrack CD with music by Giallos Flame

Check out the official site for more information!


Tags:
black devil doll, black devil doll trailer , black devil doll unrated uncensored trailer , black devil doll from hell, blaxploitation, rotten cotton, killer doll, gratuitous nudity, top horror movie 2008, grindhouse, big boobs, horror blog

Labels: black devil doll, black devil doll from hell, black devil doll trailer, black devil doll uncensored unrated trailer, blaxploitation, gratuitous nudity, grindhouse, porn

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

I've recently started reading Chuck Palahniuk's new book Snuff. The infamous author of Fight Club, Diary and new soon to be released made into a movie Choke, has come out thrusting at full speed in this new book. I mean it was inevitable he'd write about this subject. C'mon, you knew he'd write about porn at some point didn't ya?

Plot (thanks Wikipedia)

Cassie Wright, porn priestess, intends to cap her legendary career by breaking the world record for serial fornication porn movies. On camera. With six hundred men. Snuff unfolds through the perspectives of Mr. 72, Mr. 137, Mr. 600, and Wright's personal assistant, Sheila. With his satirical narrative and thorough research, Chuck Palahniuk reveals through these four characters the little-known facts and histories of not only pornography and sexual deviance, but also acting and life in and out of the spotlight, and throughout the novel shows the rarely acknowledged presence of pornography in modern America.

What's more clever are the fake movie trailers of Cassie Wright promoting the new book. Really funny play on some holly-porn movies.

Check out these hilarious trailers below.

"The Wizard of Ass - Dorothy is Not a Virgin Anymore"

"Chitty Chitty Gang Bang"

"Twilight Bone"

Tags:
Chuck Palahniuk, snuff book , porn trailers , gangbang, cassie wright, 70s porn trailers, gratuitous nudity, fight club

Labels: 70s porn trailers, amateur porn, cassie wright trailers, Choke trailer, Chuck Palahniuk, gangbang, gratuitous nudity, porn stars, porn trailers, snuff

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Bless all that is Japanese cinema! From Noburu Iguchi, director of the infamous the Machine Girl comes Oira sukeban aka Sukeban Boy.

Holy fuckin cow. This movie is totally off the wall, wacky, absurd and giga-wattagely powered.

Read the plot below and let me know if you can make heads or tails or whatever out of it.

Sukeban has a problem. This foulmouthed, hard-fighting son of a biker, has been cursed with the looks of a pop princess. The looks lead to teasing, the teasing leads to fighting, The fighting leads to expulsions. Expulsions from every boy's high school in the region. What's a biker who's nurturing conflicted feelings for his gender-confused child to do in such a situation? Simple! Dress the boy up as a girl and enroll him in an all-girls high school. But girls' schools are strange, disturbing places and, within a day of arriving, Sukeban has been signed up for humiliation classes and forced to do battle with the various school gangs: the Pantyhose Club, the No Bra Club, and of course, the Full Frontal League.

I love the fact the the Japanese AV women can be in these wacky films showing us their "ass" ets.

OK now for the good shit. I will probably never get my hands on a copy of this flick, so thankfully some fellow jaded viewers have put almost the entire film on YouTube.

Now we can all watch (because really, who wants to watch an entire 60 minute flick right?)

First check out the trailer.





Now check out the opening scene (vomitly delicious!)





Now check out the pantyhose gang (i love those initiations!)





It's a can can dance kick!!!





An ass in the face never gets old!





The gangs face off!





It's the final face off!!! (with continuous titty punches for 5 straight minutes!)






Tags:
sukeban boy trailer, sukeban boy , Oira sukeban , gratuitous nudity, sukeban boy clips, japanese av naked, japanese exploitation, the machine girl,sex comedy action,manga

Labels: gratuitous nudity, japan av stars, japanese exploitation, japanese porn, manga, Oira sukeban, sukeban, sukeban boy, sukeban boy clips, sukeban boy trailer, the machine girl

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Teeth

Teeth (2007)

Directed by Mitchell Lichtenstein

I like to define subgenres of horror. What you can call this is simple.

Horrorotica.

We expect to see T&A, sex and mutilation.

And Teeth gives us all of the above, and gives it to us in a full blown load of funny satire and splatter.

It's a simple buildup. And you know whats to come. And it climaxes at the very end.

PUNS SO FUCKIN INTENDED.

Boring Plot-O-Matic (thank you official site)

High school student Dawn works hard at suppressing her budding sexuality by being the local chastity group's most active participant. Her task is made even more difficult by her bad boy stepbrother Brad's increasingly provocative behavior at home. A stranger to her own body, innocent Dawn discovers she has a toothed vagina when she becomes the object of violence. As she struggles to comprehend her anatomical uniqueness, Dawn experiences both the pitfalls and the power of being a living example of the vagina dentata myth.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Teeth can be summed up one phrase.

MUTITLATED PENSISES EQUAL FEMALE EMPOWERMENT

Isn't that what you got out of seeing Teeth as well? Suffice it to say, Teeth is horrorotica with a tad of black comedy and satire and some good ole gory horror mixed in. And it works. Clocking in at a good ole 90 minutes, the film paces well and though the ending is cliched, you got what you deserved when you decided to watch a movie about vagina dentata.

Jess Weixler gives a great performance as Dawn, the mutant with the killer flower. Her family lives in mutant land (2 power plants are near her home). She has a sick mom, a step dad and a gothy metal step brother named Brad who wants to have what Greg and Marsha Brady never did.

Dawn has gone all Republican and is abstinence heavy in her purity cult. But teenagers today are all fucked up and she meets Toby. But Toby is a jerk off and becomes victim # 1 of Dawn's killer dentata.

Her "teeth" are the ultimate defense mechanism and ultimately fuck up a gynecologist, an American Pie reject and a special somebody who we all knew was gonna get fucked up.

Jess Weixler has that girl next door look mixed in with a femme fatale that makes the movie work. She plays her role, as distraught, as "The Bride" and as feminism come alive.

You've got the men playing the victims in a nice vice versa effect and most of the dudes of course are 3 steps away from being on "To Catch a Preadator" on Dateline NBC.

Of course they all deserve to get their penises ripped apart for being such oversexed horny rapists looking only to score.

So Dawn makes the men pay with her new mutant powers. Joss Whedon would be proud.

What more can you say about a movie about a killer vagina?

Influences

Killer Condom
Heathers
Movies about vaginas that kill

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

Mutilated penis
Sliced Fingers
Mutilated penis
Dog attacks
Mutilated penis
Severed penis
Did I mention there are mutilated penises?


Nudipedia (because you like boobies)

We see Dawn's glorious boobies

WTF moment

The gynecologist visit
The dog special "treat"

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis


Teeth is American Pie but horror-fied. Truly a classic horror-rotica-omedy. Teenage angst is always John Hughes territory but given a satirical gory sense of humor you get Teeth.

And it comes at you with a big bite.

"Sometimes, your a mutant with vagina teeth. But that doesn't mean you can't live a normal life. All you have to remember is MUTITLATED PENSISES EQUAL FEMALE EMPOWERMENT"

[cue NBC The More you Know music]

Rating:

1/2

The Trailer:

Tags:
teeth horror, teeth review , horroromedy , teeth movie review, gratuitous nudity, mutilated penis, vagina dentata, killer vagina, pussy kill,jess weixler naked, ,sex,

Labels: gratuitous nudity, jess weixler, mutilated penis, teeth, teeth review, vagina with teeth

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:11 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

You know what? I didn't get the memo about the blaxploitation, muscle car, Pussycat Kill Kill Kill, grindhouse revivals.

I finally got the TPS report so I'm now up to speed.

Hence after seeing the must see trailer of the year (Black Devil Doll), the 2nd most kick ass trailer has got to be from Bitch Slap.

Starring some hot blooded, kick ass, heavy artillery, much hot vixens. It's Kill Bill meets Grindhouse. Looks very Tarantino-ish but homages the revenge chick movies to a tee.

The movie stars Julia Voth (Trixie), Erin Cummings (Hel) and America Olivo (Camaro) as three bad girls who try to extort money from an underworld kingpin.

From the trailer, looks like it's going to be harder than they thought.

Check out the trailer below.

Also check out the official site for a high def trailer.

Tags:
bitch+slap, bitch slap trailer , bitch slap unrated uncensored trailer , faster pussycat kill kill kill, b-movie, grindhouse, exploitation film, gratuitous nudity, top horror movie 2008, muscle car movies, big boobs, horror blog, horror blog cult classic, the jaded viewer

Labels: b-movie, bitch slap, bitch slap trailer, cult clasic, exploitation, faster pussycat kill kill kill, gratuitous nudity, grindhouse, muscle cars, quentin tarantino, sexual killings, top movies of 2009

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

To see gratuitous nudity, lots of cursing and splatter-ific gore, see the unrated, uncensored trailer on the official site.

BONUS TRAILER!!!!

It's the original trailer for Chester Turner's low budget Black Devil Doll From Hell.

Tags:
black devil doll, black devil doll trailer , black devil doll unrated uncensored trailer , black devil doll from hell, blaxploitation, rotten cotton, killer doll, gratuitous nudity, top horror movie 2008, grindhouse, big boobs, horror blog

Labels: black devil doll, black devil doll from hell, black devil doll trailer, black devil doll uncensored unrated trailer, blaxploitation, gratuitous nudity, grindhouse, porn

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:10 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Tags:
hell ride, hell ride red band trailer , quentin tarantino , bikers, michael+madsen, top horror movies of 2008, gratuitous nudity, jadedviewer

Labels: bikers, bloody violence, david carradine, dennis hopper, gratuitous nudity, hell ride, hell ride red band trailer, hellride, larry bishop, michael madsen, quentin tarantino, vinnie jones

Posted by the jaded viewer at 10:45 PM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Jason X

Jason X (2001)

Directed by James Issac

[It's a retro review by the jaded viewer. I originally posted this review after buying the box set. Films 1-8. The memories all came pouring back. Fangoria covers and lunch box sets. And so I decided to make a list. The ultimate super duper mega crazy best to worst list. Starting from the worst movie of the franchise to the best, I'll go into why each film was either really good or really terrible. I of course never finished the list only.]

Jason Voorhees + Space = What the fuck?

The fact that he's in space is a little much isn't it? The year 2455? This is our future?

Oh boy.

Well what can you say? It doesn't get much worse than this. Our beloved slasher of slashers gets stuck in a sci fi movie. It's like Aliens but without any aliens.

As always let's go briefly over the plot.

Plot-O-Rama

Jason has been locked up within the Camp Crystal Lake research facility. The military wants to discover Jason's regeneration secrets (umm its an evil heart dude plus druids!).
But Jason as always escapes and goes all killy. Rowan played by the hot (oh so hot!) Lexa Doig, cryogenically freezes Jason before she gets frozen herself. Fast forward to the future and some Canadian teenagers are on all field trip to Old Earth. (I guess we live on New Earth).
Jason defrosts and goes on to kill most of the kids on the ship while the kids try to fend him off.

So let's go through the more interesting moments and the people in the flick, shall we?

Jason's sci fi slaughterhouse farm (See below)

1.) Rowan (aka Lexa Doig) the research scientist with beautiful cleavage
2.) Black soldier who more than likely will try to kick some ass and save the day
3.) Hot girl in very revealing futuristic clothing
4.) Nerd guy
5.) Hot Android (I'd like to also point out Lexa Doig and the android are both on Gene Roddenberry's Andromeda)
6.) Teacher who is as an asshole

Various moments that made me chuckle or heave

1.) Jason on a spaceship (please shoot me now)
2.) "He just wanted his machete back!"
3.) FX helps Jason kill more realistically
4.) Hologram scene of the "old Crystal Lake", Jason then proceeds to kill campers by pounding cute white and filipina chicks trapped in their sleeping bags ("We love premarital sex!")
5.) Jason hears two teenagers having sex like 12 decks up, then proceeds to kill them.
6.) Uber Jason (am i dead yet? if not, please put 3 bullets in my head)

OK let's go through the 4 pieces of criteria in which all 4 are totally fucked up by this movie.

1.) Jason Voorhees

At this point in Jason Voorhees career, he's completely a supernatural zombie devoid of any human related genetics. Fuck. He still has his slasher charm but it's really running on empty. So why does this fail? Two words:

Uber Jason!!!

C'mon. Fuckin Uber Jason. So after android girl blows the shit out of Jason by using her ray gun semi automatic weapons, Jason is regenerated by nano technology and is now half metal half Robocop. He's got this dumb looking mask and is now breathing more heavily. He has fuckin body armor and somehow this machete has also turned into an uber machete. I mean talk about bastardizing our beloved slasher of slashers. This is like a punch in the stomach of all that is sacred within Friday the 13th. Jason Voorhees is a man wearing a hockey mask who drowned and likes to kill teenagers who have sex and smoke pot. He is not Robo Slasher.

2.) High body count with clever and gruesome deaths

A decent scene was Jason cryogenically freezing a girl face and then smashing it into pieces. Some soldier gets impaled on some large drill (FX baby!). Overall the gore has been totally toned down. Except for the virtual girls getting killed, all the deaths were pretty [yawn].
Too many of the kills were dominated by FX. Damn the special effects!

3.) Nudity! Nudity! Nudity!

Nada. Let's see what Skinemax moments we had. Some gratuitous Lexa Doig cleavage. Some Canadian girl cleavage. Virtual girls show some boobies. That's it. The nudity has to be totally gratuitous you know? Like gratuitous shower scene, gratuitous breast shot as they dress, gratuitous skinny dipping and gratuitous nerd seeing hot girl naked. Jason X just didn't deliver the goods.

4.) An ending with a twist or a clever plot device or a reference that a sequel will be made

So Jason dies as the remaining crew escape to a ship that was trying to pick them up. Uber Jason, believed to have blown up with the ship "Grendel" is still alive and as he floats towards the rescuing ship he is richoched by the black soldier dude and floated towards new Earth's atmosphere where Jason and the soldier burn up.

We see Jason's uber mask in a new lake on New Earth as two teenagers, unknown to them make out.

ARGHHHHH!HOOOOKA! Sorry I just threw up. We're not even on Earth anymore. We're on some distant alternate dimension planet. Oh my freakin goodness. This is just plain dumb.

The Recap

First of all, this is a sci fi movie. We aren't even in Crytal Lake anymore. I mean this is just waaaaay off target. I don't even know if this even qualifies. It's just hard to sit through because you don't even know what to make of this. Jason is just making an ass of himself. I mean pretend of the Alien in Alien became an Uber Alien?

We can only flush this turd down the toilet and hope the Canadians don't take our beloved horror and make this crap again.

I'd like to say for the record tha this flick had its moments. After the 13th viewing, it's actually grown on me. But 99.99% of this flick is pretty much garbage. I'm judging by standards of the franchise and this took the franchise waaaaaay down. Sorta like Part 5.

Rating:

Tags:
jason x, jason voorhees , uber jason , the jaded viewer, worst friday the 13th movie,

Labels: camp crystal lake, friday the 13th, gratuitous nudity, jason voohees, jason x, lexa doig, outer space, uber jason

Posted by the jaded viewer at 11:45 PM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Anita













Nude-ipedia











The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis






Rating:
Tags:
anita, swedish erotica , Anita - ur en tonårsflickas dagbok , gratuitous nudity, 70s grindhouse erotica, christina lindberg, nymphomaniac, gratuitous nudity, 8 films to die for, Swedish Nymphet, thriller a cruel picture, 1970s porn,

Labels: anita, anita review, Anita - ur en tonårsflickas dagbok, christina lindberg, gratuitous nudity, swedish erotica, Swedish Nymphet, The Shocking Account of a Young Nymphomaniac

Posted by the jaded viewer at 9:41 PM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Where's my fuckin claymation???

Frank Henenlotter, the director of who gave such classics as Basket Case, Basket Case 2, Basket Case 3, Brain Damage and Frankenhooker is back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He's back after a 16 year hiatus and returns with a blood pumping, pulsating, throbbing (pun so intended) and wacko of a movie called Bad Biology.

Plot-o-matic tells us the story is about a Jennifer, a woman born with 8 clitorises?!? who has the sexual appetite of a porn star on acid. She kills any man she sleeps with. Batz is a dude with a John Holmes-ian johnson who is totally off his rocker. They meet up.




See the trailer below (NOT SAFE FOR FUCKIN WORK!!!)



Did you just watch that? Seriously, aren't you totally spazzing right now?

Basket Case is one my all time favorite cult movies. Such a classic.
Reminisce and watch the trailer again.



Tags:
bad biology, bad biology trailer , Frank Henenlotter , basket case, brain damage, cult horror movies, frankenhooker, gratuitous nudity, weird surreal, sex,

Labels: bad biology trailer, basket case, beautiful women, brain damage, cult horror, Frank Henenlotter, frankenhooker, gratuitous nudity, nymphomaniac, phallic, sexual killings, weird

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:12 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Hatchet

Hatchet (2006)
Directed by Adam Green

Labels: Adam Green, american horror, gore, gratuitous nudity, hatchet, horror movies, movie review of the day, old school american horror, splatter

Posted by the jaded viewer at 10:54 PM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post