the jaded viewer

Frozen

Frozen (2010)

Directed by Adam Green

I'm not going to lie. I got caught up in the hype for Adam Green's new movie Frozen. I absolutely loved Hatchet, dug Spiral and have enjoyed all the ArieScope shorts (including some awesome Halloween themed shorts). So suffice it to say, I am a big fan of Green and his work.

So my bias had me giving this movie 4 spinkicks even before I saw it. But I realized I needed to review this flick with some sort of objectivity and so as I watched, that 4 spinkicks would be modified as the flick went along.

OK, so with my prejudice out of the way, what did I think of Frozen?

I absolutely loved the premise of what would you do if you were trapped on a ski lift and there was no hope of rescue. I had a few coworkers watch the trailer and we all came up with theories. Some of them would sit and wait for help, others would go all MacGyver and work out a way to get down.

The movie shows some of these theories play out and a few others that seem quite preposterous. Like the movie its ultimately compared to, Open Water (a movie I also thought was average at best) the best part of the movie is not seeing the suffering or the panic on the faces of our would be survivors, it's coming up with ways we think we could survive the same ordeal.

It's a mixed bag of nuts for me. I liked the premise, the escape attempts and *gasp* even the characters. What I didn't like were the other obstacles that nature threw their way that seemed outright ridiculous.

So for this review (as I try to be non spoiler-ish), I've come up with my own rules of how to survive being on a ski lift without the hope of rescue.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Three skiers are stranded on a chairlift and forced to make life-or-death choices that prove more perilous than staying put and freezing to death.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

How to Survive Being Stuck on A Ski Lift

1.) Have your cell phone at all times (and make sure it's got coverage at the ski resort!)

Sure you don't want to break your phone while snowboarding or skiing but it sure would be a good idea when your stuck on a ski lift. Hell, even if it doesn't work you can play MindSweeper while you wait to die.

2.) Have interesting stories to talk about while waiting for that eventual, slow painful death

So if you've been stuck in a winter storm, our main characters are as follows:

• Dan (college X-Gamer who plays Rational Guy)
• Parker (his GF who plays Panic Girl)
• Lynch (Dan's BFF who plays Hero Guy)

The one thing about Frozen is the characters feel real. None of them seem like hipster douchebags who you want to die. I actually felt sympathy and was pulling for all of them to survive (especially Lynch who is the stereotypical stoner but comes out instead as a dude you wanna have a beer with)

Adam Green made Frozen quick and probably in budget but he has pretty much one setting for 80% of the movie. 3 people on a ski lift. So how in the world do you get people to tolerate such a thing for an hour or so?

You really need them to talk about themselves and tell stories that are interesting to the audience. And Lynch does this well (he talks about meeting Dan, awesome cereals, his lost love and celebrities he would do). The others, Parker and Dan are in relationship mode and console each other. But Lynch makes all the difference as he's the Shaun White guy with the funny one liners.

One scene that had me squirming was the eventual death of one of the 3. Two characters only looked at each other as a slaughter occurred. Very good Adam Green stuff on this. Kudos.

3.) Bring various objects that can be MacGyver-ed into a device that can be made into something that can aide in your escape (and also gum)

So our 3 X-gamers don't have ski lift tix but fandangle their way via the ski lift operator for one last run. But circumstances work out perfectly, that this dude and dudes "forget" about them (they are probably gonna be charged with manslaughter at the end of the day)

But in the meantime, our group of 3 are hungry, they are having urination issues and are cold as fuck. Night is approaching and its time to think of ways of escaping these freezer box torture. If they had brought a hanger, a bungee cord, a Phillips head screwdriver and some gum, they could have easily created a device to get them down.

So how does one get down from a ski lift?

Here are some of my outrageous theories (some of them are even plausible!)

• Use one of the ski poles to slide down on the wire where the lifts are attached
• Use your clothing and various snow equipment to make a rope and lower yourself down
• Jump to a nearby tree to break your fall
• Use the cushion your sitting on and jump off with that to break your fall

Of course the movie plays out the worst of the ideas and that's where it shines. Seeing the gruesomeness and consequences of these escape attempts even got me, the jaded viewer, a little squeamish. I winced quite a few times which goes to show you how the movie is effective in this way.

The movie is very realistic in what happens when you try to do the impossible. Nobody here is going to the Winter Olympics and they are all amateurs in survival. I really liked this about Frozen and it doesn't skim on the gore factor. You're gonna get hurt and it's going to hurt like fuckin crazy.

4.) Bring some Chapstick and a portable heater

So the effects of a prolonged cold are going to wreak havoc on the human body. Frostbite is the main adversary in the battle vs the winter. Frozen does do a great job of illustrating the evolution of it on the human body (and for us gorehounds, more so gratuitously).

5.) Bring Samurai Swords, a flamethrower and a high powered assault rifle (to scare any woodland creatures away)

The movie was at a high 3 spinkicks for me until we got some nature vs man moments inserted into the flick.

**!!!!!!SPOILERS!!!!!** (sorry can't help it)

The wolves were a bit overkill on here. I can believe sharks in Open Water but wolves at a ski resort? Sure, that could happen but where are the wolves when the ski resort is opened? I'm no Animal Planet expert but these wolves are like an LA street gang. I mean our crew is only in their territory a short time and the wolves are performing drive by mauls.

This is indeed the WTF moment of the film and for me it's not a very good Big Bad and destroys the realisticness of the movie. The mega cold, blizzard conditions, frostbite and human error are all things that COULD happen but the wolves were overkill in my opinion.

Frozen ends a little differently than I would have wanted it to and for that another spinkick gets knocked down. Sure we've gotten a few survivor stories (many unbelievable from the Haiti earthquake) but more so, it's more probable that there are more sad endings than happy.

All in all Frozen is a slightly above average film that delivers the goods and the reactions of what people would do if the worst case scenario happened to them. I applaud Adam Green for taking a very obvious question and extending it to a movie that has some solid suspense, some shiverish moments and ample amounts of gore.

Frozen is a survival movie where nature attacks from all sides. But its our will to survive that usually ends in our downfall. Go see it and decide what you would do if that were you up on the ski lift is sub zero temperatures. Because what you think might work, doesn't.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Indie Horror has to be supported so if Frozen is playing in your neighborhood, please go see it. Here is the link to the cities it's playing at. Right now, the movie is got people leaning in the middle. Some absolutely love the movie, others thought it was dribble.

I fall on neither extreme side. I loved some parts of it and others I felt were too goofy and unrealistic. But that won't stop me from telling you to see Frozen to see why everybody has such a diverse opinion about it.

Now I'm going to make me some hot chocolate. It's cold outside.

Rating:

1/2

Check out the trailer below.

Labels: 2010 horror movies, Adam Green, arieScope pictures, frozen, hatchet, old school american horror

Posted by the jaded viewer at 11:00 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Well I will be MIA for the next few days as I travel to New Orleans for some much needed R&R. I figure while I'm there, I'll head down to the Louisiana bayou and visit my old friend Victor Crowley.

Me and Vic (his friends call him Vic, his victims call him "NOOOOOO! Argh!!!") We go way back. I visited him after he got that Hatchet in the head. We played Monopoly, Jenga and Trivial Pursuit. Vic also liked to kill animals with his bare hands. I just never got into that.

I'm hoping to bring back some souvenirs. Maybe a severed head, a decapitated arm and possibly my very own hatchet.

So while I'm eating some jambalaya, crawfish and creole food, drop me a line and let me know what's the what. Let me know what you think of the jaded viewer. Do you want more lists? more commentaries? more reviews? more porn?

Let me know or I'll get Vic to drop by your house. I warned ya.





And as a added bonus check out Adam Green's newest Halloween short "Jack Chop"!!!
His shorts are hil-freakin-larious. You can check some of them by going here.





Be back soon!

Labels: Adam Green, hatchet, the jaded viewer, victor crowley

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Adam Green, the director of old school American horror masterpiece Hatchet has been working on his new movie entitled Frozen.

Just for noobs, here be the plot:

Three skiers are stranded on a chairlift and forced to make life-or-death choices that prove more perilous than staying put and freezing to death.

So while we're waiting for this little doozy of a flick, I posted a while back some of Adam Green's YouTube channel ArieScope short flicks. All of them are really fuckin funny.

He's got a new one entitled "Saber" which spins some Star Wars, scantily clad hot women and a parody of a body spray.

Funny stuff. Check it out below.





Thanks to Dread Central for the heads up.

Also late last year, exclusively for XBox Live, Green debuted a short entitled "Fairy Tale Police" starring Rachael Leigh Cook and Parry Shen.

Check out that trailer below.

Labels: Adam Green, adam green shorts, arieScope pictures, fairy tale police trailer, frozen, hatchet, saber short film

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Dismal: Eat or Be Eaten

Dismal: Eat or Be Eaten (2008)

Directed by Gary King

What kind of rating do you give to a movie that falls into it's so bad, it's good enough to be MST3K-ed and thus makes it funny enough to watch?

1 and half spinkicks? 2 spins? 2 and half?

Because that's how I felt about how I had to rate Dismal.

You'll see what I gave it at the end of this review.

Dismal: Eat or be Eaten is like a Dharma Initiative can labeled "HORROR MOVIE (WITH EXTRA CANNIBALS)".

It's so cliched, so generic, so assembly line produced, that it would have been tossed into the used DVD bin and be lost forever. Thank goodness the DVD I got was free.

Dismal is mix of Hatchet and the Hills Have Eyes. You've seen it all before. If it looks and tastes like canned peas. It's fuckin peas.

But what happens when instead of you seeing all green peas, they made some red peas, or blue peas or yellow peas. Wouldn't you chuckle just a little bit? Seeing M&M peas would make laugh.

And that's why as I watched I went all Tom Servo and Crow on this mess of a flick and it actually made this hilariously decent.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

What does a girl have to do to pass science class? Stay alive!

Dana can’t afford to fail, so she goes on a field trip with other college students
to the Great Dismal Swamp. While Dana and her tasty friends are looking for extra credit, terrifying swamp cannibals are looking for dinner.

Eat or be eaten!

Horror is served hot and steamy with a side order of sick in DISMAL.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

The simple cliched review is to do the pun on words and say Dismal was absolutely dismal. But it actually wasn't. The production value is highly low but the film itself was filled with some nice visuals, hot looking hotties and some mean looking makeup effects.

The CGI special effects on the other hand were hilariously bad. So bad I was cracking up at the sight of them. But we'll get to that in sec.

So for this review, we'll use the checklist I used for my review of Hatchet.

Below is a list of what we here at the jaded viewer deem as full of chunky gooeyness when it comes to the ingredients of a solid slasher-palooza.

Does Dismal achieve everything on this list?

1.) A mysterious, insanely strong, ridiculed as a child, deformed, inbred redneck slasher.

Check. (plus he has a undercover papa whose equally fucked up)

2.) Gratuitous, over the top, super fleshy nudity (with Grade A boobage)?

Check.

3.) Stereotypical teenage caricatures who die gruesome and horrific over the top deaths?

Check.

3a.) Are you telling me there's a brunette kick ass final girl, a blonde bimbo, a nerdy kid, a slutty whore and a token black guy?

Yes. I mean check.

4.) No Plot?

Check.

5.) Kills by our slasher that make you go "Fuck yeah!"

Semi check. (Well they didn't make me go "Fuck yeah", more like "HAHAHAHAHHA. That's fuckin funny")

6.) Gore, lots of it. Like serious decapitation, dismemberment, impalement, hatchet frenzy steroid rages and blood shooting out at various penetration wounds, limbs a flailing and mindless splatter and mayhem

Semi check.

OK here is where the death scenes become uber ridiculous as most of our kills are done with really bad CGI. I mean these were done on like Windows 98 using Paint.

1.) Token black guy gets "hooked" in the mouth.
2.) Slutty whore gets her feet "bear trapped" off (yet she doesn't scream?) and then gets her face bear trapped.
3.) Blonde bimbo gets steel wired sliced in half (the CGI on this is soooooo fuckin bad that I was literally on the floor laughing uncontrollably)
4.) Nerdy guy gets his arm cut off

7.) Geeky leader who takes charge of the hapless group as they try to escape who befriends a hot girl who knows about the "legend" (there's always a legend no one believes)

Semi check. (Hot girl actually doesn't know about the legend)

8.) Funny yet ill timed dialogue but also various quips and one liners that are funny only the first time around (yet somehow funny again when you buy the DVD and only when you're stoned)

Check. (But this movie is probably way awesomer when your stoned)

9.) Final girl goes all final girly?

Check.

10.) Wildly ambigious ending that can be used to warrant a sequel?

Check.

As I keep saying it's all generic. You know, couple has sex, they die. A run and trip girl gets caught in a highly complicated trap that no way a inbred redneck could possibly devise and dies. Random twist inserted for no reason whatsover.

I did mention the CGI was hilariously bad right? There are two scenes that make this milk coming out of your nose funny. One is a shotgun blast by our final girl where you see CGI blood oozing out from the fake CGI hole of our would be redneck slasher. The other scene is a supposed explosion of a cabin. The CGI fire and explosion look so fake, it's like they put a lighter in front of the camera.

But the filmmakers had to know it would look cheesy. So I'm gonna take it as such. And this is why Dismal will get 2 spinkicks. 1 spinkick for following generic slasher cliches with gratuitous nudity and 1 spinkick for the extra, would you like more Velveeta cheesy CGI effects.

Dismal is Hatchet's handicapped little brother who has a speech impediment. It does what it set out to do. Be funny, entertaining and outright ridiculous.

And peas, even deformed, colorful M&M peas taste good.

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

Token black guy gets "hooked" in the mouth
Slutty whore gets her feet "bear trapped" off and then gets her face bear trapped
Blonde bimbo gets steel wired sliced in half
Nerdy guy gets his arm cut off
Horrible CGI gunshot to the stomach
Burnt beyond recog
Slice and stab
Human Heart
Wooden spike death

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)

Slutty whore boobs and ass
Lots of belly skin

WTF moment

The really fake looking slice and dice death scene of blonde bimbo

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

This is not a good movie by any means. But what happens when the movie is so bad, that you start to enjoy it because it's unintentionally funny. The "It's so bad, it's good" category of horror movies is very hard to rate. The first one that comes to mind is Snakes on a Plane which I ranked as #7 on my Top Horror Movies of 2006.

So after much thought, Dismal warrants 2 spinkicks. It's too bad MSt3K is gone and couldn't get their hands on this flick. Tom Servo and Crow would have a total field day on Dismal.

Rating:

The Trailer





Tags:
dismal, dismal trailer , dismal review , horror movies of 2008, dismal eat or be eaten, dismal eat or be eaten review, fearmakers, bloody violence, top gore movies, slasher movies,gratuitous nudity,

Labels: american horror, dismal eat or be eaten, dismal review, dismal trailer, gore, gratuitous nudity, hatchet, slasher films, splatter, splatter gore

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Adam Green's (the man behind Hatchet) production company, ArieScope Pictures has developed so far some awesome flicks. Hatchet, Spiral and the recently premiered at Sundance Grace are receiving uber coolness reviews.

But I recently got to check out a few of the shorts him and his team have created on YouTube.

And I've got to say, they are fuckin funny.

Some have the horror vibe, others are ridiculously clever ha ha's. I'm hooked on some Ariescope joints. Now I got the munchies.

Check out a few of the mega LOL shorts that made nose milk.

The Tivo





King in the Box





The Tiffany Problem

Labels: Adam Green, adam green shorts, arieScope pictures, hatchet, kingin the box, the tiffany problem, the tivo

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Spiral

Spiral (2008)

Directed by Adam Green and Joel Moore

We've all seen Hatchet right? So let's just say we all were on the Adam Green bandwagon camp of this guy knows horror and anything he makes will be old school American horror.

I even put Hatchet as #2 on my top 10 horror movies of 2007.

So my expectations were fuckin high for Mr. Green and his crew.

So when I watched Spiral, read the brief plot and saw stars in Green regular Joel Moore as Mason and Amber Tablyn as well Amber the creepiness factor rose to a factor of 10.

We would get some wicked willies of goosbumpy madness right?

But Spiral is far from Louisiana swamp Kane Hodder mutant slashers. What we have here is a psychological, Hitchcockian mind fuck that shows Green and Moore's range of messing with the audience.

No over the top gore, or unkillable slasher here folks. These aren't the droids you're looking for.
It's a classic psych experiment into one character's horror-verse where what we see and what we don't see are scary as fuck.

Boring Plot-O-Matic ( thanks IMDB)

A reclusive telemarketer, whose dysfunctional friendship with his boss is alleviated when a whimsical co-worker enters his life. But as he begins to sketch his new friend's portrait, disturbing feelings from his past threaten to lead him down a path of destruction.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Joel Moore, a Green regular is as strange looking as he is geeky-ishly devious. He plays Mason, a telemarketer by day and painter by night. Moore does the creepy quiet guy well, honing on a few sporadic sentences early on then rambling into semi coherent sentences later. He meets Amber (Amber Tamblyn, The Grudge, etc) who talks like she's in the Buffyverse and whose personality is the complete opposite of Mason's.

Amber Tamblyn is so likeable, girl next door-ish, it's easy to see her go with the flow of the nature of her character. Mason's bro relationship with his boss Berkeley is also clingy clangy. He is the womanizer sexist who seems to have a staple in helping his fellow dude, acting as more of the straight guy to Mason's weird guy.

Most of the movie is this:

1.) Mason acts all crazy
2.) Mason meets Amber
3.) Mason talks to his boss pal Berkeley
3.) Mason paints Amber
4.) Mason and Amber talk
5.) Mason acts all crazy
6.) Amber feeds ducks
8.) Amber finds out Mason is crazy
9.) Mason acts all crazy
10.) Twist ending

But that's where Spiral is the strongest. Amber's run on leftover thoughts are hilarious as exampled below.

Amber: So anyway. Now that I have conquered my current job, what should I do next? I am thinking feminist or astronaut. Probably go with feminist, I'm afraid of heights.
Mason: Ah, what does a feminist do?
Amber: Mostly just bitches about stuff.

The relationship between Mason and Amber is like a neutral blend of romanticism with a tint of mystery. Mason has a secret. They both know it, we know it and we know Mason's deep deep secret will only be revealed after 85 minutes of Bob the builder. (the secret is foreshadowed by a glowing door in his apartment).

But I really liked their odd relationship. He the jazz loving, sketching, painter loner and she the outgoing sassy girl who is intrigued by the quirky guy. Both performances are mesmerizing. A sweet scene revolving around a walk home to a movie theatre "date" Spiral almost passes off itself as a romantic comedy. Thank frakness, it goes all downhill after that.

So when we inevitably get to the end, a twisty end with an extra squirt of twist, it's clever enough to save the movie. I recognized the twist 20 minutes in because I'm a PI when it comes to twists. But the added WTF at the very end will be a shock to others.

This is not M. Night twist shit, which somehow makes the entire movie seem pointless. This ending is a proper puzzle piece where you snap it in and you see the Magic Eye painting for the first time.

Spiral is a different direction for Green and I give him props for not going and making a American horror remake for another feature. He's a writer and director and visionary of making the movie he wants. Green make me the next Tarantino of the horror genre.

It's an awesome-tastic movie that will claim some new fans, keep the core and have detractors all at the same time.

I'm going to continue to monitor Adam Green's filmography like a hawk. You should all do the same. I mean Hatchet 2 may just be around the corner.

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

Some bloody hands

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)

Amber Tamblyn's naked back

WTF moment

The second twist

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Number Six (Tricia Helfer) makes a cameo. I really wanted to include this film in my Top 10, but its going to fall short. As much as I love the horror mystery, I felt like I needed something more, one more "ooooooomph" to get this to 3 spinkick level.

As the title suggests, you will see the spiraling out of control of Mason and the cruelty of his madness. But this movie will establish Adam Green as one of the best new directors and writers to come out of the horror scene.

As his shorts have laid out, he can be funny, scary and mysterious in anything he does. If he can blend all of this in his next movie, I'll be the first in line.

Rating:

1/2

The Trailer





Tags:
spiral, spiral review , spiral trailer , adam green, gratuitous nudity, horror comedy, american horror, amber tamblyn, top 10 horror movies 2008, top horror 2008, teen horror, hatchet

Labels: Adam Green, hatchet, old school american horror, spiral, spiral horror, spiral review, spiral trailer

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Intro:

And the list continues! We're going to now count down the Top 10 Horror/Underground Movies of 2007. This is the complete list. Kinda weird I split this up into 2 posts but whatever. I mean our rating system is spinkicks right? So what you gonna do?

To recap, here are #10 to #5 with spinkick rating.

jadedviewer.com's Top 10 Horror/Underground/Hollywood/Cult/Splatter/Gore Movies of 2007


10.) Vacancy (3 spinkicks)

It's not everyday you see Kate Beckinsale in a movie not involving vampires and also it's not everyday you see Luke Wilson not being the normal guy in an awful shitty comedy.

But put them both together in a slick little horror flick involving a motel in the middle of nowhere with some crazed up snuff videos and killers that are resilient and cunning and you get to watch a nice little thrill ride with some supsense and twists.

It's pretty much a "what the fuck movie!?" as the escape makes you second guess next time you pull into a Motel 7.






9.) Black Sheep (3 spinkicks)

Well I had to have a horror-omedy on the list and this be it. I mean what can you say about mutant sheep? The premise alone got me to see this.

Made in New Zealand and filled with hilarious scenes of sheep gone wild because of genetic engineering (damn cloning!), they rapidly attack our sheep-phobic hero and his sidekicks as he tries to stop his insane brother from continuing these experiments.

Incredible human-sheep mutants, sheep gore and decapitations, sheep head trauma and sheep-man sexual innuendo. What more do you need from a sheep movie?




8.) 28 Weeks Later (3 spinkicks)

I'm not a big fan of the frenzy zombies but the sequel to 28 Days Later creates a good dystopian world where our RAGE infected friends can come out to play.

The opening of the movie is as scary as shit, and as we follow 2 heroic kids through the streets of London, and their escape with some unlucky soldiers its a frenetic pace of zombie-ish insanity and gore maglore.

The last scene makes you cringe because you know we're going to see something years later (pun intended).

7.) Wrong Turn 2 (3 and a half spinkicks)

From the opening scene of a hot girl getting sliced in half, I knew this movie was gonna rock. Welcome to Wrong Turn 2: Dead End. This straight to DVD gem is sort of the pop culture/internet horror entry to the list. Full of cheesy velveeta and oodles of gore, there isn't a dull moment.

Where can you find a movie where one of the characters wears a "Battle Royale" t-shirt and all the characters are a complete list generic cutouts of the horror genre.

Brave white girl (who is psycho).......check.

Henry Rollins......check.

Black guy......check.

Black girl with army training.....check.

Funny white guy addicted to sex.....check.

Hot, voluptuous girl who gives us our gratuitous nudity......check.

Inbred, really disgusting, boiled filled redneck cannibals.....oh hells yeah...CHECK!

Plotwise its pretty decent. Reality TV show goes into the redneck woods to shoot their "apocalyptic game show". But inbreds don't like normal people and they are kinda hungry.

Good amounts of gore, splatter and inbred sex. Because that's why you rented it right?

6.) The Host (3 and a half spinkicks)

Gwoemul aka The Host is our only Asian entry into the Top 10. But as the hype this year has gone to Cloverfield, this was the monster movie everybody should have seen.

The monster is so awesome its the king of awesomeness.

Plot-o-rama has US chemicals creating the monster in the Seoul's Hans River and everybody has to be quarantined. But one family: the dad, his son the crazy brother, the super archer sister seek out the crazy brother's daughter who has been monster-napped.

Suffice it to say, the Korean military isn't good at the whole Godzilla scenario so its up to the family to kick some monster ass.

Very thrilling, filled with good doses of humor and so memorable that you'll be saying "Clover-what?"

5.) Them (Ils) (3 spinkicks)

French horror flick. Yup you read that right. It's a French horror movie. But it's fuckin good and scary.

Who is "Them"? I ain't telling ya but that's the whole point isn't it? Sorta like Sixth Sense and mixed in with some jump out of your seat moments, it's all about what you don't see.

Plot-o-matic says it's about a woman (a teacher) and her husband (a writer) who live in an nicebig house somewhere in Romania. Strange noises start up in the middle of the night, cars go missing, weird phone calls and TV static. What the fuck is going on?

Could it be "Them"? Could it be that this couple is insane?

Ahhh. The myster horror movie is either the most annoying or the most brillant depending on your taste.

To me it was bloody brilliant. Sometimes the greatest fear is the one you do not see. The twists are a plenty...and the ending, well its as good as it get.

4.) Jack Ketchum’s The Girl Next Door (3 spinkicks)

Well we had to have one movie that just totally disturbed the shit out of me. And it was this one. Gregory Wilson's The Girl Next Door is tightly based loosed on Sylvia Liken's horrific murder in Indiana.

There is no huge body count, no excessive gore or splatter, no corny humor or gratuitous nudity.

What is in this movie is seeing evil with a justified happy face in the form of a sadistic psycho mom and her progeny.

There are NO supernatural monsters, unkillable slashers or even mutant sheep, all you see is the evil face of humanity and what humans do to each other, that's the most frightening thing you can ever witness.

The movie revolves around David, who encounters new neighbors Meg and her crippled sister Susan. Because of a tragedy they now live with their Aunt Ruth. But Aunt Ruth ain't your normal 1950's Mrs. Cleaver. She's an alkie and her sons are well kinda douchebags.

And this doesn't bode well to the sisters, especially Meg. Auntie Ruth abuses Meg, locks her in the basement and thus tortures her. Suffice it to say, she gets fucked up.

Very chilling and disturbing. Even for the most jaded viewer, you'll wince and feel kinda dirty after watching it. I guess that's the whole point.

3.) Grindhouse (3 and a half spinkicks)

I liked Robert Rodriguez's Planet Terror better than Quentin Tarantino's Death Proof.

That's just me.

But what can I say about Grindhouse that hasn't been said by all the other horror fanboys.

Well for one thing I LOVED the fake trailers. Machete, Thanksgiving Day and Don't. Good times.

If one of these "trailers" becomes a full fledge movie, I'll be camping out in front of the theatre.

2.) Hatchet (3 spinkicks)

Old School American Horror. Motherfucker.

Read my entire review here.

Hatchet reminded me of why I love horror movies.

and the best horror movie of 2007 is.....................................................


1.) Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon
(4 spinkicks)

Clever. Just freakin clever.

That's Behind the Mask. A movie which flips the slasher genre upside down and why it's #1 on my list.

I've seen a lot of slasher movies. So fuckin many. The fact that BTM totally surprised the crap out of me is kudos to the director Scott Glosserman.

The movie is essentially about Leslie Vernon, our resident slasher of Glen Echo. He allows a documentary crew to film him as he attemps to kill the scared but brave heroine.

As we see this behind the scenes look at our slasher, we witness all the archetypes and characteristics that are the embodiment of the modern day slasher. The movie also pokes fun of the "scares" that are relevant in every quick edited slasher flick.

And that's the beauty of BTM. Just like Scream, but done waaay more cleverly, Leslie Vernon becomes slightly sympathetic and you begin to root for him.

I always wondered how we see a walking Jason Voorhees somehow get in front of kill his victims. Well he is running like crazy off screen, that's how.

It's one of the many questions Leslie Vernon answers and it's so fresh and different from anything that came out this year.

That's why it's the number 1 movie of 2007. When you can reinvent the slasher genre by adding a little bit of comedy, twists and gore, you've got a killer movie.

Tags:
top 10 horror movies of 2007, vacancy , black sheep , 28 weeks later, wrong turn 2: dead end ,the host, Them aka ils,
Jack Ketchum's the girl next door, grindhouse, hatchet, behind the mask: the rise of leslie vernon,

Labels: 28 weeks later, Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon, black sheep, grindhouse, hatchet, jack ketchum's the girl next door, the host, them ils, top 10 horror movies of 2007, wrong turn 2

Posted by the jaded viewer at 11:57 PM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Hatchet

Hatchet (2006)
Directed by Adam Green

Labels: Adam Green, american horror, gore, gratuitous nudity, hatchet, horror movies, movie review of the day, old school american horror, splatter

Posted by the jaded viewer at 10:54 PM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post