the jaded viewer

I am proudly the 3rd entry in the Mr. Horror Blogosphere over @ Zombies Don't Run. I answered the questions to the best of my ability, but they were harder than a DMV driver's test.

Why no picture you might ask?

Well, I just forgot to send one. But more importantly, I'm going with the mysterious Ninja approach to the Mr. Horror Blogosphere. He's unseen, he's like a shadow...he's does not exist.

Hell, I'm not even writing this.

So check out my entry over at Zombie's Don't Run and remember...vote for the other guy!

Labels: horror blog, horror blogging, jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, the jaded viewer

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:30 PM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

I've got a back log of old reviews I've never posted, so I figure I'd post a few today and throughout the week. Most of these reviews are from Insano Steve and myself and from our old trading list circa 2002.

These were quick hit reviews, nothing fancy schmancy. No WTF moments or nudipedias. Just quick plot glimpses and funny randomness.

Enjoy!

Labels: horror trades, horror trading lists, jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, the jaded viewer

Posted by the jaded viewer at 11:30 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

I've decided to put a corner of the jaded viewer on Facebook so you can get a decent feed while your Facebooking. So instead of checking your Blogger dash reading list, you can become a fan via Facebook.

I'll link all the newest stories I put up and it'll be a place to drop me a line if your so inclined (and if you hate captchas and don't wanna comment) I've put the little Facebook widget on the right nav bar as well.

Labels: horror blog, horror blogging, jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, the jaded viewer

Posted by the jaded viewer at 11:00 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Labels: horror blog, horror blogging, jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, the jaded viewer

Posted by the jaded viewer at 11:00 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

I've noticed a lot of new bloggers starting their own horror blogs recently. That's good to see. People who are passionate about the horror genre and want to chime in on their thoughts makes this little horror blogosphere better. Joining this horror blogosphere is supe duper awesome. All the people I've talked to, tweeted, e-mailed and left comments for are some of the uber coolest people from across the country and the world. All have a unique style to their writing, some are cleverly Tricks are for Kids hilarious and others come up with theme posts and running gags that never get old.

But starting up a blog is a huge undertaking (ok maybe not, it's pretty much like tweeting but longer).

Anybody can write a blog. Right now, as you're reading this, some 14 year old tween girl wearing black nail polish and listening to Sonic Youth is writing on her Twilight blog and is anxiously waiting for that first comment. (it usually is "FIRST!") In another part of the country, a 38 year old film school dropout just watched Saw VI and wants to share his thoughts so he's registered DiscountJigsawsTraps.blogspot.com.

I don't know the exact figure but shit, I'd say 5,000 people a day start up a blog. Some write 3 posts and forget about it, some write 25 posts a day. But to be effective as a horror blogger, you have to go with a few foolproof generic posts that will get people engaged. I'm here to show you the ropes, give you some tips and tricks of the trade and for only two easy payments of $19.99 make you the next jaded viewer.

(Some of you may be saying...Jeff, why are you qualified to teach ME about horror blogging? Your site SUCKS BALLS and is filled with lists, pictures of horror queens I've never heard of and your reviews are like Bible long. And your taste in horror movies is equivalent to a poor man's Dread Central. Well if you put it that way......you're right. You guys are mean. Fuck, I'm going to watch Avatar again. Oh screw that Mr. or Ms. Horror Bourgeoisie! Yeah my qualifications can be called in to question, but I promise you like a Billy Mays infomercial, you'll find it funny, slightly interesting, very arousing and you'll use what I have to say)

Still interested? OK let's list a few tricks to get you started.

Lesson 1: Picking a name for your blog

Well this is it. The single most important thing you can do is pick a fuckin awesome name for your blog. Remember this is the name that you're going to promote the shit out of. It has to be clever, easy to remember and really works if its 4 words or less (though this can be ignored if your name is really clever like Chuck Norris Ate My Baby). The easiest route is to put "horror" in some form in the name. My suggestion, use a variation of a title of a horror movie or play Scrabble.

For inspiration, check out the blogs to the right.

TANGENT ALERT!!!

(Oh yeah, you gotta pick a place to create your blog. I'd suggest Blogger as its already got a built in horror community so you can Follow peeps and easily comment. Wordpress is fine. Their layouts look way nicer than Blahger. Only drawback on Wordpress is you're gonna have to PR the crap out of it)

END TANGENT ALERT!!!

Lesson 2: A post title that LOLs or that can easily offend most of America

OK, now that you got your name, you need to actually write shit. Everybody on the Internet has ADD and usually skims through post titles so you need to either tweet a good subject line or fill it with high levels of vulgarity.

Examples are:

My favorite Ice Cream flavor: Zombie Brains!

or

Trick R Treat fuckin sucked monkey nards (if you liked this movie you have the IQ of a Triceratops)

Lesson 3: Reviews of mainstream horror movies where you make fun of the audience

OK, its guaranteed that the most reader response will come from horror movies that everybody has seen. It's definitely OK to write a review of Zombieland. People love that movie. It's total water cooler horror. But filling your review with "Bill Murray was awesome!" and "Clown zombie was scary!" is not gonna cut it.

To get people to comment, you now have to make fun of the audience for no apparent reason. Why? Because they won't see it coming! Like a bad M. Knight movie, you'll sucker the reader into a false review read and then make fun of them because they didn't see the twist coming.

I'm writing this totally buck naked.

See! There ya go. Who saw that coming? Fuck, it's kinda chilly in here and even I didn't see that horrible horrible thought in the middle of this lesson.

Lesson 4: Arterial Spraying + Gratuitous Nudity + Lists Lists Lists! = Jello

Who doesn't like jello? It can look like brain matter, jiggles like a pair of D cups and it taste yummy. As a horror blogger, there are a few foolproof things to write about that will get people hyped.

1.) Writing about gore and splatter movies gets people highly excited. Everybody loves a good arterial spraying and decapitation so writing a lot about splatter movies is guaranteed to get people to word verify.

2.) China can't see pornography so they have to rely on you to post nudity in your blog to get their fix. Write about nudity in horror, post pictures of horror hotties and talking about hottest zombie women can only get that hit counter moving.

3.) When you're scraping the bottom of your brain for something to write about, the old reliable horror list is the way to go. Who doesn't like a list? Like some mac and cheese, you can nuke up a list in about 2 minutes. Shit, it don't even have to be a good one.

Lists are like cocaine to horror fans. We're addicted! Look, I'll show you.

Top 3 Japanese Horror Movies where technology tries to kill you

1.) The Ring
2.) One Missed Call
3.) Pulse

See...that list got you as high as Lindsay Lohan at a BYOW party.

Lesson 5: Be a productive member of the horror blogosphere, Comment!

Well this is actually the hardest of all because you have to visit at least a dozen sites and leave your mark. Long, elaborate comments on the other person's blog is good. If you didn't agree with what they wrote, say so. People love defending their work and they will reply to your comment.

Instigate a tsunami of replies by disliking something everybody likes and leaving a comment. They'll all be so intrigued that they'll comment on your blog and if your lucky...send you hate mail.

If you want to be a "good" blogger, leaving a comment praising the article is the way to go. But don't expect it to be regifted.

Well there you have it. This concludes Horror Blogging 101. If I get a lot of people interested in this class, we'll have a 102. OK I see you raising your hands. If you have a question, leave a comment and I will definitely answer it.

Labels: horror blog, horror blogging, jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, the jaded viewer

Posted by the jaded viewer at 11:00 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Well I'm infected again...WOOHOO! Awards month is still not over thanks to Chuck @ Zombies DON'T Run. He's given award cooties to 10 more horror blogs and yours truly is one of them!

This award is awesome coming from Chuck. So thanks again...we will proudly sneeze this award on to two other horror blogs.

Well I'm giving this award to Bloody Disgusting and Dread Central..... hahahahah...... PSYCHE!!!!

Oh they're not horror blogs, well according to Total Film they are. Nice job schmucks.

According to the rules I can only give this to 2 other horror bloggers. Also once you get it you can't pass it on. The infection stops HERE so as to quarantine this new awards strain. Well ahhhh chooooooo! You're infected........

• Mike and Chris @ All Things Horror
  
• B-Movie Becky @ The Horror Effect

You are now 2009 All-Scares Bloggers! Congrats!

Labels: jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, the jaded viewer

Posted by the jaded viewer at 10:30 PM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Well it looks like awards mania isn't done yet. It's like that damn H1N1, spreading like a 3rd graders toy collection. Well color me infected because I've gotten 2 more awards from some super awesome bloggers.

First up is the fantastically Frightening award as first seen on Day of the Woman. This one was bestowed on me by Andre @ The Horror Digest. You can check out the blurb about moi by click on the link here.....no here......ok this is the right link.

We usually disagree on some flicks but we both agree Rumer Willis looks like a Yeti.

I'm sure the other horrorsphere members will get this award so I'm passing this boobilicious award to some other cool under the radar bloggers that would appreciate some gratuitous partial nudity...

• The M'hael @ The Horror Club: Horror reviews with pictures of hotties in next to nothing
• Lurple @ Lurple: Obscure film reviews are the norm here and they are skewered into yumminess
• Jason aka The BoneBreaker @ The Mad Ravings of an Entertainment Junkie: Jason had one of the most awesome horror blogs out there before he went on hiatus. Here's hoping he comes back and starts blogging again
• Tower Farm: I LOL during all their picture reviews. Good times.
• Mike @ The Horror Geek: A professional horror journalist, I first read Mike's work at IGN. I head over to his site for all the news of the day

Well I've been following new blogs left and right after checking out these awards on other sites. That's the best thing of spreading this damn virus.

Finally, The Basement of Ghoulish Decadence has given the jaded viewer the Shit Eatin' Palance Award.

The only way to say thank you is by remaking 2 Girls, 1 Cup in 3D and starring Lindsay Lohan as "the cup". But if Jack Palance were alive today, he's say "Fuck you! Shit taste good"

So thanks Jayson at the Basement of Ghoulish Decadence for this award and I hope to one day tell James Cameron that this is the next evolution of 3D and he's guaranteed to make at least $3 from this epic viral video.

Labels: jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, the jaded viewer

Posted by the jaded viewer at 10:30 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

WOW! It seems people actually read this thing. Yay me! Well, the jaded viewer got some praise from the horror blogosphere last week and after my post last week about how far the site has come in 3 years, it's finally resulted in some nominations for some neat-o awards for the site.

First up, the Kreativ Blogger Award (yup that's how its spelled)

Thanks to....

Matt @ Chuck Norris Ate My Baby
Chuck @ Zombies DON'T Run
Rev. Phanton @ Midnight Confessions
Hayes @ Hayes Hudson's House of Horror
Cortez the Killer @ Planet of Terror
B-Movie Becky @ The Horror Effect
Aleata Illusion @ Gore Gore Dancer

Lastly, the One Lovely Blog Award



Thanks to....

Chuck @ Zombies DON'T Run
Sarah @ Scare Sarah
Hayes @ Hayes Hudson's House of Horror
Cortez the Killer @ Planet of Terror
Chris @ All Things Horror


Seems I have to follow some rules for the Kreativ Blogger Award and return the favor. They are as follows:

1.) Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
2.) Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3.) Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4.) Name 7 things about yourself that people might find interesting.
5.) Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
6.) Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
7.) Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they have been nominated

OK here we go.....

1.) Done!

2.) Done!

3.) Done!

4.) Well this should be educational.

• I was a college radio station DJ for 3 years and would play punk rock and talk about myself in the 3rd person. I even got a cult following of tweens from a small upstate NY town.
• I was walking in the East Village in NYC and almost stepped on Famke Janssen's dog
• I worked at a video store while in college and worked in its "adult" section. I can now no longer look at porn the same way again.
• Years ago, Insano Steve and I drove to at least 5 different video stores across a hundred miles looking for Cannibal Ferox (we eventually found it in a video store next to a farm)
• I work for a video game/movie website doing tech related stuff
• I love Man vs Food and competitive eating
  
• I am a die hard Mets fan, bleeding orange and blue

5.) Well it seems the blogs I want to nominate have already been nominated. So I'm just gonna give my thoughts on how I feel about everybodys blog....screw the rules!

All Things Horror: Mike and Chris's opinions are always dead on and in sync with mine. One day I want to go to one of their screenings!

Basement of Ghoulish Decadence: Jayson's got a awesome collection and he shares them with all of us. Solid blog and eerily we got the same taste in flicks

Chuck Norris Ate My Baby: Matt can kill two stones with one bird. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a CNAMBtatorship.

Dollar Bin Horror: From my little quote: Dollar Bin Horror digs into the used bin of films and books that have gone the way of the dinosaur, repackages them into small morsels of insightful funnyness and keeps you posted on all things horror. And it's free to read!

Entertaining Evil: Rene spews his venom at all things pop culture. Dude curses more than me.

Freddy in Space: We all know Johnny and FIS. I gather horror inspiration every time I read his posts.

Full Moon Reviews: Fred's reviews are hil-freakin-larious. His Things I Learned from... are clever and creative. Good times.

Horror Dose: The rookie on the block. Chris's blog is right up my alley, short and to the point.

The Horror Digest: Andre's "Way to Go Moments..." keep making me comeback to the site over and over again. One of the best in the business.

Hayes Hudson's House of Horror: Hayes is a rookie but he's got my rookie of the year vote. Good stuff coming out from the House of Horror.

The Horror Effect: B-Movie Becky's reviews are hilarious and damn informative. Her reviews of the entire Nightmare on Elm Street series were muy bueno awesome.

Midnight Confessions: A brother in sleaze and exploitation flicks. We both keep the genre alive!

Planet of Terror: Well I won my first contest over at Planet of Terror. But Cortez the Killer sheds light to the good, the bad and the ugly of horror and its always unbiased and opinionated.

Scare Sarah: I don't know anybody from the UK. But Sarah's blog gives us an unAmerican perspective which is refreshing. Fantastic insights ranging from flicks to books.

Zombies DON'T Run: You never know what you'll get when Chuck puts up a post. It's like a grab bag of horror goodness.

Those are just a few of my little bloggity blog reviews of the horror blogosphere. Every blog on the right hand nav bar is awesome. Different spectives on horror.

If I missed anybody, don't worry. I'll write up something for you on the next award viralness that comes out.

Thanks you all for your support! Now I return you to your regularly scheduled program.....

Labels: horror blog, horror blogging, jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, the jaded viewer

Posted by the jaded viewer at 3:30 PM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

This is going to be a fun week here @ the jaded viewer. I've got a ton of yuck yuck posts going live this week which include:

• The Best Quotey Quoatbles from the Worst Movies I saw in 2009
• Top 10 Horror Movies of 2009 (#11-20)
• Top 10 Horror Movies of 2009 (#1-10)
• Best Horror Movies of 2009 (Compilation of all the blogs and horror sites across the interweb that have put up a top 10 or best of list of 2009)

Now on to some fun facts about the blog so far!

• The jaded viewer will celebrate it's 3rd birthday on January 15th. I officially launched the site with this post of the Top 10 Horror Movies of 2006 on January 15th, 2007. An interesting tidbit is it wasn't until August 07 that I dedicated my time to update it regularly
• We now have over 30 followers on Google Connect (Thanks!)
  
• We also have over 130 followers on Twitter! (Double Thanks!)
• I'm now up to 460 posts...closing in on 500!
• Insano Steve is freakin lazy when I give him something to review so I may want to have some guest posts this year

Things to look forward to in 2010

• I've got a few more DVDs to review (some horror, some straight to DVD)
• More The Shortround (to keep shorts on the horror radar)
• More Horror Hotties (if you've got a suggestion let me know)
• More The Threads (because arguing about things is fun!)
• More random lists (because who doesn't like lists)
• More features about the horrorverse

Again, I'd like to thank everyone whose supported the jaded viewer over the last few years. I started this 3 years ago because I love horror movies and wanted to share my thoughts to the horror community. Your comments and replies have been awesome.

But basically I wanted to make you guys laugh with everything I write and post on here. If you got a chuckle out of a review or a list or a feature, then this blog has done its job.

So if your a follower of the jaded viewer or somebody whose stumbled on here, thanks for supporting the site!

Follow me via Google Connect (its on the right hand nav bar) and via Twitter.

Labels: jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, the jaded viewer

Posted by the jaded viewer at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

I'd like to wish everyone a Happy New Year! Hope you all had fun celebrating.

I can't believe it's 2010 already. In the future timeline of movies here is what we will be promised....

• By 2015 we should have flying cars (BTTF trilogy)
• By 2029 Skynet will have wiped out humanity and we will all be part of the resistance (Terminator series)
  
• In 2 years (2012), the world ends (well that kinda sucks) (2012)
  

Those things may never happen, but what WILL definitely happen next week is you will get to read my Top 10 Horror Movies of 2009! And here's the big news. This is going to be a jaded viewer "fat as Texas" edition as I'm extending it to 20 movies this year!!!

Yes horror minions, the Best Horror Movies of 2009 (#11-20) and (#1-10) will be posted next week. That's a kick ass way to kick off the new year. By reflecting on the year in horror and checking out what kicked ass.

Also, I'll be posting my very handy compilation list of every major horror site and blog's Best Horror Movies of 2009. I've been compiling it and if you have one, shoot me an e-mail or leave a comment below and I'll include it.

Well in the world of horror, we got some very bad 80s horror movies made about this holiday. New Years Evil (yikes!). But look at what we have here. A new 80s cheesefest horror movie called Bloody New Year!

Here you go. Check out the trailer.

Labels: happy new year, jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, the jaded viewer

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Thanksgiving means killing poultry! Poor little chickens and turkeys dying for your gluttonous stomachs. You bastards! Makes you want to be a vegetarian right? WRONG!

Turkey is just too damn yummy.

But if you watched Troma's Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead you'd think twice about reaching for that drumstick. The jaded viewer is going on hiatus for the Thanksgiving break but the least I can do is leave you some ha ha's while I'm gone. Poultrygeist is indeed one of the funniest Troma films to come out in a while and the musical numbers in this sleazy, oddball flick are hil-freakin-larious. So sing-a-long and enjoy!

(of course after watching these videos you'll totally lose your appetite)

Poultrygeist - "Revenge is a dish best served fried!"





Poultrygeist - "Longing to Live/Waiting to Die"






Poultrygeist - "Murderous General"






Poultrygeist - The Music Video





The 2 musical numbers that are missing are "Generous General" which is an awesome satire musical on fast food and "Slow Fast Food Love" is not anywhere to be found on the interwebs because it has lots of boobies.

Hope you enjoyed all that. Of course I could have posted the standard Happy Thanksgiving post with Eli Roth faux slasher Thanksgiving trailer or did what Freddy in Space and post the Thankskilling trailer. But Matt-suzaka over at Chuck Norris Ate My Baby posted all the horror themed Thanksgiving movies he could find.

Brilliant stuff. So today and tomorrow, go ahead and leave your links via the comments to some Thanksgiving related posts. I want to see what the creative horror blogosphere has come up with on Turkey Day.

And if that turkey comes alive right before you carve it up and starts attacking you...let me be the first to say....I told you so.

Labels: happy thanksgiving, jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, poultrygeist muscial scenes, Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead, thanksgiving trailer, the jaded viewer, troma films

Posted by the jaded viewer at 9:00 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Ahh Halloween. It isn't until tomorrow but I'm sure everybody is prepping their costumes for parties and parades.

So I'll take this time for you to dig through my limited Halloween archives. Below is some of my Halloween themed posts and reviews. And as a trick and a treat, I've posted some of Adam Green's Halloween shorts. Enjoy! Now share some candy will ya?

jaded viewer Halloween linkage:

Trick 'r Treat (Review)
Rob Zombie's Halloween (Review)
Sexy Halloween Costumes

NYC Haunted House Review linkage:

Nightmare: Vampires (Super Scary Review)
Blood Manor (Super Scary Review)
Insano Steve vs Blood Manor (Review)

Adam Green Halloween shorts

Jack Chop






The Tiffany Problem





Happy Halloween!

Labels: blood manor review, halloween, happy halloween, jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, nightmare vampires review, nyc haunted house

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

I ran out of horror movies to watch.

That's a first. Don't worry, my dealer sent me a new flick to review and it should be up before the week is up. In any case, after reading this post from Freddy in Space I too got inspired to chime in on the awesomeness of being part of the horror blogging community.

Taking a cue from BJ-C from Day of the Woman who lists 7 things on why the horror blogging community is the coolest I figured I'd go on a different tangent. I'm going to list the things I think we have in common. These may be dead on or waaay off. But here it goes. I'm doing my best George Carlin "little things we all have in common, universal moments we share..." impersonation.

-We visit Bloody Disgusting, Fangoria and Dread Central every day
-We have Blogger all tabbed up and ready to go
-We have comments e-mailed to us and reply within 15 minutes
-We check our traffic every 2 days
-We skim the RSS feeds of other horror blogs and click on only our faves
-We IMDB a movie of a trailer we've just seen, then click on Trivia (if any), check out the user comments and/or click on external reviews
-We constantly add our reviews to external reviews on IMDB
-We check on Google Followers we have
-We check on how many Twitter followers we have
-We read each and every comment posted on our site even if its a comment on a post we did like 3 years ago
-We write our best posts way late at night
-We are easily encouraged when somebody likes our review and want to eviscerate Voorhees style anybody who disagrees with our reviews
-We write reviews with at least 2 quotable lines so just in case, a distributor may use it on the back of a DVD box
-We use horror slang in our everyday conversations like we're vocally blogging
-We've all been visited by a user from a country we cannot pronounce
-We are shocked when Hollywood actually comes out with a good hard R horror film
-We all moan when Platinum Dunes decides to rape our collective horror childhood and remakes yet another horror classic
-We all know who Adam Green is
-We have all written a retro review (which all came from some late night viewing of something in our DVD collection)
-We have all attended one of the following (or all of em), Fangoria Weekend of Horrors, Chiller Theater, Fantastic Fest, NY or SD Comic Con, Cinema Wastleand, Horrorhound, Fantasia, Rue Morgue's Festival of Fear, etc.
-We have all got e-mails from filmmakers, directors and writers hoping to give some press to their flicks
-We all have a bootleg version of Night of the Living Dead
-We have all read Max Brook's World War Z
-We have at least 3 t-shirts of our favorite horror movies
-We get excited when we get a screener in the mail
-We have seen one of the After Dark Horrorfest movies and regretted it
-We think some of the monsters or animal/insect movies gone wild on the Sci Fi channel are funny good but will never admit it
-We have all met Kane Hodder
-We have all met Tom Savini
-We have all met George A. Romero
-We all went to see at least 1 3D horror movie and kept the Real D glasses
-We are constantly looking for classic horror or exploitation trailers on YouTube
-We all secretly love Judd Apatow films
-We all comment on each others blogs because we genuinely have something to say
-We all hope the next leap, will be the leap home

One day, I hope too meet other horror bloggers (any horror bloggers from NYC or the tri state area?) It would be awesome to talk about horror and whatnot. Be sure to check out all the horror blogs from all the links to the right. All these blogs are probably way better than mine, but not one of them covers Van Damme like I do. :-P

I'll finally conclude with this. They're listening.

The directors, fimmakers, distributors, studios and even some mainstreaminess media listen to what's going on in our corner of the web. I've gotten e-mails from directors, writers and studios who thank me and the horrorsphere for giving their indie horror flick some press or reviewing their indie movie via a screener. It's exhilarating to hear that praise and gratitude from the industry you cover and write about.

The horrorsphere is not dead.

It's growing and it's a shacky cam flick away from being remade.

Labels: fangoria, freddy in space, horror blog, horror blogging, jadedviewer, links from the horrorsphere, the jaded viewer

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

People ask me why I started the jaded viewer.

Simple.

One day, I'd like to see a quote from one of my reviews on the back of a DVD box. I just think that would be mega cool.

I've come close. Toby Wilkins, the director of Splinter posted a review blurb on his tumblr blog.

And a few others have been putting links to my reviews on their sites. I've compiled a few of them below. Click on the image to go to the jaded viewer blurb.So yeah, this is just a me touting a few press internet clippings from the filmmakers and official sites.

One day, a jaded viewer quote will be on the front or back of a DVD box. And when that day comes, I'll end the site. :-P

Labels: dead hooker in a trunk, evil things, jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, no right turn, the jaded viewer, Thicker Than Water: The Vampire Diaries Part 1, zombie hunters city of the dead

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

This will be my last post for a week as I go on a much needed vacation. If its anything like The Ruins, I'll be the one chopping off my own leg. Or I may be abducted like in Turistas. Or even worse, end up in a motel like in Vacancy.

Umm. On second thought......

So while I'm gone, feel free to dig around and read my reviews. I may also be tweeting on this little adventure and may be checking up the comments every now and then.

If major horror news happens, leave a comment and let me know as I won't know what the hell is happening around the horror-sphere.

It's a quest for fun! See you in a week or more!

Labels: jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, national lampoon vacation, the jaded viewer

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Well I might as well join this damn thing as it seems to be the thing to do. And normally I don't do the thing thats the thing to do but maybe I can get some followers to enjoy the dippity do da reviews of the jaded viewer.

So if your on there, go ahead and check out my twitter page and start following me or whatever. I think most of my tweets will just be updates to the site.

However, some of my tweets might go like this:

Just saw Transformers 2. Insano Steve anecdotes...the final battle scene was an hour and a fuckin half. WTF?!?

Labels: jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, the jaded viewer, twitter

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Technically it's July 3rd but tomorrow you get to go all patriotic. And what's more patriotic than Uncle Sam.

Go have your BBQ, eat some red meat and potato salad and watch all those Michael Jackson tributes on E.

And catch up on some horror and anything you missed on the jaded viewer. And don't be shy about commenting. Share your 2 cents on anything I've written be it you agree or disagree. If your on Google Connect, add yourself below and subscribe to my RSS feed.

I'm thinking of even Twittering. Tweeting seems kinda lame to me. For you other horror bloggers, do you tweet? Is it worth doing this?

OK now check out the trailer below or Uncle Sam will kill you.

Labels: happy independence day, jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, the jaded viewer, twitter, uncle sam, uncle sam trailer

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Why do I watch movies I know suck? Well, first off because all these movies were free DVDs I got from work. Secondly, some seemed they may actually be MST3K worthy. Finally, some of these flicks had pseudo horror stars in them.

So in the posts below are reviews for Killing Ariel, Against the Dark, Black Swarm and Legend of the Bog.

In any case, I figure these reviews are more of warnings to avoid these films at all costs. These reviews will be short and savagely brutal. Fuck em. They don't deserve real in depthyness.


I've done my civic duty to the horror community. You're welcome.

Labels: jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, reviews of movies that suck, the jaded viewer

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:10 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Besides the #1 pick in my Top 10 Horror Movies of 2008 (which will come on Friday), only 3 movies were granted 5 spinkicks this year.

The 5 spinkicks movies of 2008, all 3 are non horror related. They made me feel so giddy with excitement that I was happy happy joy joy after experiencing these flicks. These were the movies you wanted to see again right after watching them. These were the movies that made you go "Fuck Yeah! That was soooo awesome!"

5 spinkick movies are rare, but every once in a while, you know 10 minutes in that you're seeing something special, leaving even the most jaded viewer jaw dropped.

Click on the titles for my reviews of these films (except Rambo).

So without further delay, on to the list!

3.) Rambo

Directed by Sylvester Stallone

Rocky Balboa was good, but Rambo was Stallone's ultimate blast off comeback. So bloody, gutty and splatter-ific, this is the Rambo we only heard about in those 'Nam Special Ops stories.

The cruelty of the enemy, the mercenaries for hire, the Julie Benz gratuitous cleavage.

But its Stallone as John fuckin Rambo that made this transcend normal action and into stratosphere action. All he wants to do is bag some snakes and live monk peacefully but they always fuckin drag him back in to kick ass.

And he's a bitter old soldier. From arm decaps to the gratuitous over the top gore of a 50 cal, he obiliterated the enemy in the best action scenes of the year.

Rambo was the best action movie of 2008 and Stallone just keeps reminding us he is still on top of the uber action movie.

2.) JCVD

Directed by Mabrouk El Mechri

JCVD is by far JCVD's best movie since Bloodsport. How can Van Damme fuck up playing a variation of himself?

From the paraodic opening scene in a Bulgarian straight to DVD movie to the Van Damme kick demonstration, JCVD satires Van Damme, plays to his strengths and leaves us questioning what this meglomaniacal man has been thinking since he left the Hollywood system.

In one final climactic scene, we the fans get what we wanted as we see Van Damme kicks ass in front of the crowd. He then proceeds to high five fellow officers and taps his chest in a moment of total self ego.

Totally fuckin awesome. So classic. So Van Damme.

And if you are a Van Damme fan, this is must see.

Check out the full review here.

1.) Chocolate

Prachya Pinkaew, the director of awesome-rific films Ong Bak and Tom Yum Goong, is the reigning king of action cinema.

And Chocolate again shows why guns and shootouts are fuckin overrated.

It's been a while since a full out martial arts flick totally blew me away.

JeeJa Yanin is breathtaking as Zen, an autistic girl who accumulates her martial arts skills by watching who else...Tony Jaa. Her muay thai skills are unfuckinbelievable and as always, there are no stunt doubles and all the action stunts you see are as is.

Fuck the plot and any character development. It's totally irrelelevant. What you came here to see is non stop muay thai choreography at its finest.

Non existent plot and motive plus the fact that the last 30 minutes were all action makes this one of the best films of 2008. Chocolate hit on all cylinders of what it was suppose to be. A non stop action sequence from start to finish.

Now top that Tony Jaa.

Check out my review for descriptions of all the action scenes of the movie.

Tags:
top 5 spinkick movies of 2008, top movies 2008 , rambo , jcvd, gratuitous nudity, chocolate, top action movies 2008, jean claude van damme, top 10 horror movies 2008, top 10 2008, 5 spinkicks, jadedviewer

Labels: chocolate, chocolate review, jadedviewer, JCVD, JCVD review, rambo, top 3 five spinkick movies of 2008, top 3 non horror movies, top 5 spinkick movies of 2008

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

The jaded viewer turns 2 years old this Jan 09. Yay! Thanks to everybody whose supported the blog-o-rama.

My Top 10 Horror Movies of 2008 list also comes out in January. I know it's one of the more popular lists on the site so I've been prepping that up and figuring who makes the list. Also, I'm making a comprehensive list of what I've reviewed this year and probably will make a Worst Horror Movies of 2008 list as well.

I've been catching up on all the 2008 horror flicks I missed of late. 2 flicks that may end up on the list are Gutterballs and Dance of the Dead. Reviews are up so check em out below. That's all for now.


(And yes, I know every other horror site is going to put this 80s slasher new years trailer up like I did)

Labels: happy new year, jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, new years evil, new years evil trailer, the jaded viewer, top 10 horror movies of 2008, top horror movies

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Well I've got a lot of movies to review over the holiday break. Some very obscure horror, some mainstream and a few in between.

So stay tuned for that.

If your an aspiring filmmaker, indie marketing team or STV horror production company (ahem) or whatever and have anything you want me to review that you'd think would be a nice fit on the jaded viewer (and want some free publicity) drop me a line.

And keep those comments coming. We're all one big horror family aren't we? Not like a real family because today your probably being driven nuts with distant aunts and cousins and such.



(And yes, I know every other horror site is going to put this insane Santa Claus trailer up like I did)

Labels: happy holidays, jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, silent night deadly night trailer, the jaded viewer

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Well you might be wondering WTF happened to the updates on the site. I had some personal stuff unexpectedly come up which took mega, major, uber priority.

I'm back and with the holidays coming up, we might have a few gaps here and there.

Think of this lapse like the end of the original Dawn of the Dead which you can see below. I'm like Peter, contemplating to go all suicidy but changing my mind at the last minute and going all heroic.

I love the the GI Joe music as he kicks ass to Franince and the helicoptor.

Imagine if they went with the original ending where Francine goes all hope is lost and decaps her head in the coptor blades.

Labels: dawn of the dead ending, dawn of the dead final scene, jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, the jaded viewer

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Well, the jaded viewer will be on hiatus for a week as I go on a much needed vacation.
I'll be back after Independence Day weekend with more posts and random reviews.

If you like what you see, this is your chance to let me know.
Please leave comments, quirks, gibberish and mumbo jumbo in the comments box and let me know if you like the blog. Fuck it. Let me know if you hate it. I can take the abuse.

Also, drop me a line on any news, new movies I may have missed and movies that I should avoid like a $5 hooker in Atlantic City.

What are you all interested in reading or watching within the world of the fringe?

This is your chance to spill your guts.

I'd like to thank everybody who's been checking out the site. So thank you. What you want a dollar or something? :-P

So we'll be back in a week with more fucked up movies reviews filled with Buffy-verse jokes and jazz and more lists of movies and scenes that are completely fraked up.

Oh yeah. Fuck you millenials.

Labels: jadedviewer, jadedviewer.com, the jaded viewer

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:09 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

The Machine Girl

The Machine Girl (2008) (Kataude mashin gâru)

Directed by Noburu Iguchi

It's sad that the YouTube millenials made the Machine Girl's trailer go viral. Why? Because it just seems that a movie like this was condensed into 2-3 minutes. It should be viewed as 90 minutes of fun, splatter and gore that catches you surprised and shocked and LOLing. Because you watched the trailer, those parts are now not as much fun.

Damn millenials.

Tokyo Shock funded this little endeavor of Noburu Iguchi, and the Japanese creativity spews chunks of sly humor, CGI lunacy and more arterial spraying than all of Kill Bill combined.

It's as fun as advertised depsite the leak of prime slices in the trailer. The cheesiness comes out in full effect, the violence is manga-ish and the dialogue (subtitled as is) is ready for Mike Nelson and Tom Servo to go nuts on.

What the millenials don't understand is that Japanese filmmakers have been making these flicks for a while now. Stacy, Wild Zero and Junk are zombie flicks with vicious arterial carnage but campy. Miike's Ichi the Killer is the male equivelant of a flick like this. His Dead or Alive is classic in this genre as well. But don't tell this to Generation Y. To them this is the best thing since sliced Pzones.
Boring Plot-O-Matic

Ami (Minase Yashiro) is a basketball loving school girl. When her brother Yu gets killed by the local Ninja Yakuza "Hattori Hanzo" yumi (aka family), she gets revenged. Obviously from the trailer, her hand gets cut off and is replaced with an uber machine girl. Fuck it. She wants revenge and carnage ensues.


Awesome Review-O-Matic

Minase Yashiro is fuckin hot. And in her Sailor Moon uniform and a chainsaw arm thats ripping apart a poor Yakuza, you've just put sex and violence together which is every boy's wet dream. And that's just the opening scene.

I love when social problems evident in Japanese culture (in this case bullying) are made into a manga and then go live action. That's been happening alot. Basically Machine Girl is a revenge flick, pure and simple. But its a horror-omedy and it's that opposite approach from say a Kill Bill that makes it glorious fun.

Ami's search to kill all who wronged her brother (especially Sho Kimura, the mobster's son) takes us to scene after scene of pure arterial spraying set on insane. From an unfortunate family's dinner demise to her own torture at the hands of the evil Yakuza boss, its non stop splatter at its best.

Some of the best parts of the movie are not Ami in action but the Yakuza "Hattori Hanzo" clan (a wink to Sonny Chiba) and their utter disregard for life. A poor chef has to eat some special sushi, a maid is discarded and henchman become disposable. In one scene, a poor girl's death is not the end of her torture.

It's the Hanzo ninja yakuza clan that makes this movie work. The dad is ruthless, the son cowardly but sly but the wife is outright brutal. They are sooooooooo evil, your hoping Ami goes medieval on them.

After Ami's escape, she meets Yu's friend's parents who are mourning as well. They are the ones who can rebuild her. They have the technology. The husband is a tech genius who invents the machine gun and the wife is a survivalist gone awry. A gratuitous montage scene later, they're ready to do battle

And that's when the most ridiculous battle scene takes place between our heroes and the Junior High Shuriken Gang, one of the most splatterific scenes in the movie.

As the trailer suggests, there is a flying guillotine and the ending is so over the top, you can't help but cheer.

Machine Girl accomplishes what it sets out to do. Be funny, be gore-tacular and totally be something that makes you laugh and wince at the same time.

I've seen movies like this before, but Machine Girl is packaged perfectly, you're going to have an awesome time YouTubing your favorite clips afterwards.

Influences

Anything from Takashi Miike, Stacey, Junk, etc.

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

Machine girl bullet arterial spraying

Machine girl bullet carnage

Tempura oil scarring

Throat slicing

Massive beheadings

Knife mouth trauma

Finger slicing (with added finger sushi yum yum!)

Shuriken slicing

Nails in the head

Chainsaw splatter

Executioner's Blade carnage

Drill Bra brutality

Yada Yada Yada

WTF moment

The Bra. Nuff said.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

You're going to like this film.

Trust me.

It's got a hot schoolgirl amputee, a kickass evil Yakuza boss and more blood and guts than a slaughterhouse.

Yes the trailer does seem to give away a couple of good scenes. Watching the trailer is equivelant to having only eaten the appetizer and dessert. Now go enjoy the main course.

Rating:

The Trailer:



Tags:
the machine girl, the machine girl review , Minase Yashiro , Kataude mashin gâru, gore splatter drill bra, ninja yakuza hattori hanzo, top horror movies of 2008, bloody violence,

Labels: gore, hattori hanzo, jadedviewer, Kataude mashin gâru, Kill Bill, Minase Yashiro, ninja yakuza, Noburu Iguchi, Revenge movie, splatter, the machine girl, the machine girl review, tokyo shock

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:43 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Finally, I'm compiling my Top 10 Horror/Underground/Cult movies of 2007. It'll be a countdown to the best of what you probably never saw this year.

Happy Holidays!!

Labels: jadedviewer, machine girl, machine girl trailer, mirage man, mirage man trailer

Posted by the jaded viewer at 5:50 PM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post