the jaded viewer

Friday, November 20, 2009

Vampire Rules 101 (or Vampire Self Defense for Beginners)

I've never seen Twilight and I have no intention of ever seeing this twat-tard of a trilogy. But I do have a fascination of the mythos of vampire lore. I'm not talking about ancient Lestaty type crap but the fact that popular culture (be it books, TV, film and the Interwebs) have given a bunch of rules for vampires to have to deal with.

Insano Steve hates any monsters or supernatural beings that are hindered by rules that prevent them from eating, devouring or killing helpless young teenagers. I agree. It's just a drag that vampires are now burdened by so many laws and barriers that prevent them from sinking their teeth into some young hottie.

So let's analyze a few of these supposed rules and weaknesses the present day vampire has to deal with.

1.) Sunlight

the jaded viewer says: Why does sunlight kill vampires? Nobody knows. This is just plain dumb. Ooooh creatures of the night right? Tons of good shit happens during the day. Baseball games, picnics. Vamps need to get some coffee too. Recent vampire lore has broken this rule recently. I mean honestly, this is such a freakin handicap for vamps it's totally unfair. Half their day is completely shot. Let's just waive this one from the books.

2.) Reflection not seen in mirror

the jaded viewer says: How does one comb ones hair? Just cross this rule out. Dude needs to shave and the femvamps need to apply makeup. Nobody wants to see an ugly vamp right?

3.) Holy Water

the jaded viewer says: Holy water don't work against werewolves, zombies or demons. Why vamps? This one is totally goofy. Next!

4.) Garlic

the jaded viewer says: In the history of monster mythos, only the vampire could be threatened by a white, smelly vegetable. Jeez.

5.) Silver

the jaded viewer says: Why not copper? How about gold? Nickel?

6.) Crosses

the jaded viewer says: In Dracula 2000, they pulled out the Judas card explaining vamps were descendants of Judas which is why they hate crosses because it reminds them of Judas's betrayal of Christ. But do you realize that all you need to do is put 2 sticks together and cross them and you got a ADT security system MacGyver style. How's a vamp going to get some when all you need to do is put your arms together and give the Degeneration X symbol?

6.) The Invitation

the jaded viewer says: Well this one begs the question of "What qualifies as a home where a blood sucker has to get invited too?" Say I got a vacation house in the Hamptons...am I still protected? And the invitation reply is so ambigious. How about if I don't make rent for the month...its not my home anymore technically. Can they still enter? Still gotta love the scene in Let the Right One In on the vamp invitation rule being broken by poor Eli. (Check out the scene here)

7.) Holy Ground

the jaded viewer says: They can't enter churches? How about synagogues? Mosques? Temples? How about if I have one of those "Bless my Cubicle" sign. Can they come in?

8.) Wooden Stakes

the jaded viewer says: Not much to say here but if vampires were real, Walmart would sell wooden stakes for $5.99.

9.) The whole counting grain thing

the jaded viewer says: Jeez. That's like forcing people to watch Ernest goes to Camp movies over and over again.

10.) Can't cross running water

the jaded viewer says: So if I'm being chased by a vamp and it starts to rain...I'm cool?

11.) Feed on blood or die

the jaded viewer says: Thank goodness for True Blood.

I can't think of the others. Maybe thats all of them. Honestly, all these rules have totally made vamps seriously disadvantaged. If you kill a vamp, it's like their civil rights have been fucked with. I mean yeah they got super human strength, awesome teeth and that living forever thing is kinda neat. But if they go outside, they're pretty much toast.

Blade 2's reapers kinda made some uber vamps a little more scary but the generic vamps are totally screwed. I'm sure we can rewrite some of these dumb rules and come up with a good list that keeps em a little evil and very frightening. Hell, get rid of all these rules and start fresh. I'm sure we can make a better, more intimidating creature of the night.

Finally, I think somebody should make zombies vs vampires. That would be a totally awesome monster PPV right?

Labels: buffy the vampire slayer, let the right one in, twilight, vampire kids, vampires

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Let The Right One In (Review)

Let The Right One In

Let The Right One In aka Låt den rätte komma in (2008)

Directed by Tomas Alfredson

Well I said I would watch this movie and see if it deserved a spot on my Top 10 Horror Movies of 2008. It probably deserves a spot, but not in any horror list.

Let the Right One In is a great movie, with or without the horror or vampire tag.

And it stands alone as a movie that deserves its ongoing praise like snowflakes falling to the ground. This review is more snow praise to the pile of acclaim this movie has gotten.

We've all seen the teenage vamps (ahem Lost Boys and such garbage as that) and young adult vamps (Twilight and garbage like that) and full fledge adult vamps.

But a movie about a 12 year old girl engulfed in vampire lore is so full of innocence and dramatic despair that it's more emotional and more touching then seeing some vampire tweens and teens whining about their iPods.

More importantly, this movie is about lonliness and the connections we have in our lives.

Plus seeing a 12 year old vamp suck blood seems kinda sick and awesome at the same time.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Oskar, a bullied 12-year old, dreams of revenge. He falls in love with Eli, a peculiar girl. She can't stand the sun or food and to come into a room she needs to be invited. Eli gives Oskar the strength to hit back but when he realizes that Eli needs to drink other peoples blood to live he's faced with a choice. How much can love forgive? Let The Right One In is a story both violent and highly romantic, set in the Stockholm suburb of Blackeberg in 1982.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Oskar is looking for a positive. But all he finds is people who want to have nothing to do with him or want to go all negative and bully him up. His parents are divorced, the school bully Conny and his jabroni friends pick on him and his dad is a weirdo drunk dude.

When he meets Eli, he finds the positive he's looking for. Lonliness and negativity are suspended as he and Eli make a connection. That's the beauty of the movie.

If Eli wasn't a vampire, this movie would have been classified as probably a foreign indie movie that you'd see on IFC someday. But us horror fans, it's a soon to be Spirit Award winner with horror elements.

And thats ok with me.

I believe the vampire atrocities committed by Eli are a simple metaphor in a relationship between two people.

Do you love your partner no matter what they are, what they do and who they are on the inside?

Eli's "evilness" is evil in so much she does what she needs to do to survive. Oskar has to make the ethical and moral choice. Does his love extend to love Eli with the "evilness" included?

It's fascinating to watch as it unfolds. She guides him to stand up to the bullies (Oskar does) and to go all "grlll power". In the reveal scene, the humor is outright simplistic. Oskar asks if she's dead and how old she is. Eli responds she's been 12 for a long time. This all happens as they are between a door. Eventually she opens the door.

Later in a scene, as the title suggests, vampires must be invited in to a person's home. Eli says she must be invited in and Oskar questions what happens if she walks in anyway.

This is my favorite scene of the entire movie. Nobody has taken this rule and questioned it. What could be the repercussions of just entering?

That rule has been handed down in so much vampire lore that when Eli comes in, I had thought they broke the fuckin rule. A few seconds go by and she starts breathing heavily. Then BOOM! Eli starts to bleed out of every orifice, eyes, ears, head and mouth. Quickly, Oskar invites her in.

That was fuckin awesome. So simple, so unique and so goreificly done, and so sweet. It's these scenes that tell you the state of Oskar and Eli's new found love and relationship.

Why don't you check out the scene yourself? See below.

Kare Hedebrant (Oskar) and Lina Leandersson (Eli) are super duper brilliant in their roles. Oskar, our kid next door mixes in a kid like persona who has to deal with issues way beyond his maturity level. Leandersson's performane as Eli is downright mega awesome. She's just the right face of innocent girl with brutal demon vampireness trapped inside.

There are few side plots I forgot to mention. Eli and her weird parental figure Hakan, and a towns couple get attacked and are forced to deal with the consequences of an attack by Eli. Let the Right One in even made up vampire rules themselves in this one.

It seems cats don't like vampires and attack on sight when they get close. Also when vampires ingest food, they get sick.

Interesting. It's good to add to the mythology. What we don't see are fangs, or yellow or blue glowing eyes or demon face vampires (like in Buffy). It's classy enough to forgo these cheesy B-movie qualities and take itself seriously.

The ending is full of chunky applaudy goodness, where you feel like these two were meant for each other. Good times.

Let the Right One in is a movie that is a journey in to a fantastic world, where the love of two people, be it tweens or grownups, is complicated, tender and always full of hardship.

But choices have to be made. And everybody has to live with the consequences.

Great movie. Awesome flick. One of the best of 2008 no matter the genre.

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

Blood draining
Vampire throat munching
Decaps
Broken Neck
Spontaneous Human Combustion

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)

Negative

WTF moment

The invitation scene which you can see above

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

See this movie. It's as good as advertised. It's got that best of both worlds. The love story and the vampire lore. I couldn't help but think of Interview with a Vampire and think of Eli and Claudia (the child vamp in that movie).

The millenials and Generation Yers should put down those Twilight books and pick up this book instead (the movie was based on the novel by John Lindqvist).

Then they'd all comprehend things way above their maturity level as well.

Check out the official site.

The Trailer