the jaded viewer

Hell Ride

Hell Ride (2008)

Directed by Larry Bishop

The 3 B's. Bikers, Beer and Booty. That's the philosophy behind The Victors gang. I especially like the booty part.

Lots of booty. And girls. Naked big breasted girls. It was a multicultural smorgasboard of biker babes and strippers.

So much hotness, you can get easily confused. It was like being on nudity heroin.

But once you become sober, you begin to realize that Hell Ride gives you full frontal and nothing else.

And in my opinion, you can't call that a movie.

Executive produced by the one and only Quentin Tarantino, and directed by Larry Bishop (a legendary biker movie director), this modern day update of 70s biker movies. Seriously, I'm no expert in this genre but in the 21st century, this is the one grindhouse subgenre that just doesn't translate well.

And that shortcoming doesn't even bring up the main fuck up of this movie.

It's all style and no substance.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

The story deals with the characters Pistolero, the Gent and Comanche and the deadly, unfinished business among them.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

I think there were more scenes of bikers and babes fucking than bikers vs bikers in shootouts. Let me doublecheck. Yup. That's right.

For every scene where Bishop tries to write some Tarantino-ish dialogue (which can be summed up in a lengthy "fire"innuendo between our main dude Pistolero and his bikette) we get our Victors enjoying the fruits of their labor.

Be it in a hippie bonfire commune with a belly of naked hotties or in a midwest fashion show of silicon enhanced chicks mud wrestling. As much as I love scenes filled with 120% gratuitous nudity, you figure you'd get your even distribution of fancy, ridiculous shootouts with massive explosions. And I especially like my shootouts and bike chases with some plot that keeps me entertained.

The characters of Pistolero (Bishop), the Gent (Madsen) and Commanche (Eric Balfour) are entertaining and slick suited, but at 70 minutes you're not really gonna go into back story which might have elevated this movie into some memorable lines. We even get a cameo from Eddie Zero (Dennis Hopper) which just seems like it was way too homage-y.

Our main adversaries for the Victors are the Six Six Six (Sixers) gang who led by The Deuce (David "Kill Bill" Carradine) and Billy Wings (Vinnie Jones). And they weren't that even fuckin intimidating. The fuckin Guardian Angels could kick their ass.

Some revenge plot or some shit is thrown in and a mysterious safe desposit box generates some deux ex machina.

Whatever.

Even the climactic ending was well, without a climax.

The best part of Hell Ride is the gratuitous nudity. I can't believe I wrote that. But it's true. It looks like a overmaxed Tarantino film but not filled with the detail that you would get from QT. Even in a short 60 minutes, QT's Death Proof gave you hottie characters in a time warped muscle car movie.

Ehhh. What a big disappointment. Bikes. Beer. Booty and Babes. How could that not turn out good?

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

Throat slicing
Gunshot wounds
Arrow trauma
Headshots
Beheading
Fire killing

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)

Nudy magazine nudity
Hippie girl nudity (some full frontal)
Biker girl nudity (some full frontal)
Stripper nudity (some full frontal)
Cherokee Indian girl nudity
Asian girl nudity (full frontal)
Girl on Girl action
Hot oil wrestling girl on girl action
Punk rock girl nudity

WTF moment

Just seeing a hot Filipina chick go full frontal made me go....WTF!?!?! Awesome.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Some style, no substance. Just because Quentin Tarantino's name is on this, don't see it if you think you're gonna see Death Proof but with choppers.

But fuck, if you wanna see some old guys ride bikes, fuck hotties and stage lame ass shootouts, go right ahead.

You know you just wanna watch for the gratuitous nudity anyway.

Rating:

1/2

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hell ride, hell ride red band trailer , quentin tarantino , bikers, michael madsen, top horror movies of 2008, gratuitous nudity, jadedviewer

Labels: bikers, bloody violence, david carradine, dennis hopper, gratuitous nudity, hell ride, hell ride red band trailer, hell ride review, larry bishop, michael madsen, quentin tarantino, vinnie jones

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

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hell ride, hell ride red band trailer , quentin tarantino , bikers, michael+madsen, top horror movies of 2008, gratuitous nudity, jadedviewer

Labels: bikers, bloody violence, david carradine, dennis hopper, gratuitous nudity, hell ride, hell ride red band trailer, hellride, larry bishop, michael madsen, quentin tarantino, vinnie jones

Posted by the jaded viewer at 10:45 PM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Tooth and Nail

Tooth and Nail (2007)

Directed by Mark Young

“Laws are the only things that separate us from savagery. Because the beast is there inside all of us watching…waiting. When civilization is no longer there to protect us, when the beast is the only thing standing between us and death, we will absolutely fight tooth and nail to survive.”

I love when they mention the title of the movie in narrated dialogue. Doesn’t it always justify a cool sounding title? But in this case, it’s really just filler for a mediocre stab and jab movie.

A couple of questions popped into my head after watching Tooth and Nails.

Why does post apocalyptic Philadelphia look like modern day Philadelphia?

So when the world runs out of gas we somehow turn into blood thirsty cannibals?

Can an abandoned hospital setting dictate every scene in your movie?

Well the answer to that last question is yes. And that’s the setting of Tooth and Nails.
So if you were looking for a Mad Max America, you’re out of luck dude.

When the world runs out of gas in 2012, the world is consumed into anarchy; chaos and destruction the opening narration tell us. Smart survivors all head south but a few remain behind in good ole Philly (really? Philly?) We meet a group of survivors who are living in an abandoned hospital who are intent on rebuilding society.

Director Mark Young wasn’t being very subtle with his car/gas analogy. The characters are initially intriguing as they all have car like names. We meet Ford (Rider Strong, “Cabin Fever”) who is the loose cannon of the group, Viper (Michael Kelly) the muscle, Torino (Alexandra Barreto) the sexy vixen, Nova (Emily Young) the mute kid, Darwin (Robert Carradine) the professor and de facto leader and finally Dakota (Nicole DuPort) our Buffy-ish heroine.

They rescue a young girl Neon (Rachel Miner, “Penny Dreadful”) who has been attacked by “Rovers” who are packs of humans that have turned to cannibalism to survive in this hellish doomsday world. Neon tells them the Rovers have murdered her family. The Rovers wait until night to hunt their prey but only kill one at a time so their meat is fresh. Of course this begs the question, why don’t they just capture all of them and just lock em up. But then you wouldn’t get 90 minutes of stalk, hide, stab/shoot, run.

As the story progresses, our little 90210 group gets picked off one by one by the Rovers. Included in this group is Mr. Blonde himself Michael Madsen and Vinnie Jones in various extended cameos. The Rovers are of course dressed in your standard issue Mad Max, Road Warrior, Hills Have Eyes attire. They are also armed to the teeth with a variety of weapons that were picked up at the Medieval Times gift shop.

And there you have it. The gore factor kills are a plenty but sort of predictable and boring. Hatchet chopping, cleaver through the head, sliced throats, spear through the chest, arrow in the eye, acid dissolving face and battle axe through the head (not necessarily in that order).

There are some added sex scenes that seem very out of place (but alas because it is a horror movie they do have to follow some “Scream” rules). As the group fights for survival, an obvious twist is inserted that can only be summed up by one word: Yawn.

We conclude with Dakota outsmarting the Waterworld rejects and in an out of character bizzaro finale she goes all Braveheart on the remaining Rovers.

Logic here is totally thrown out the window and this movie should have been as well. The movie never defines what it wanted to be. I watched a Discovery channel show about the possibility of the world running out of gas and it was never this dire. Are we to believe that when we can’t fill our SUV’s anymore, we will become all become Dahmers in waiting?

Tooth and Nail is so preposterous its only redeemable value is that it’s MST3K worthy. So if you’re looking for a post apocalyptic world filled with cannibal hunters, go rent the cult classics instead. You’ll be spared this tooth and nail torture.

The Extras:

Included in all of the After Dark Horrorfest DVDs are the Miss Horrorfest Contest webisodes. Think Surreal Life meets the Misfits. It’s a VH1 version of the Suicide Girls.

Rating:

1/2

The Trailer:



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Labels: after dark horrorfest 2007, after dark horrorfest boxset, michael madsen, rachel miner, tooth and nail, tooth and nail horror, tooth and nail review, tooth and nail trailer

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:19 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post