a jaded viewer reviews the world of horror, splatter, gore, cult, grindhouse, trash, b-movie, erotica, indie, asian and exploitation films
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
The WTF List: Jennifer's Body
Well everybody has done regular reviews, screencap reviews, quotey quotable reviews of Jennifer's Body. But nobody has done a trademarked jaded viewer WTF List of this movie.
Honest to blog, thank the cheesy fries for me.
So here is The WTF List: Jennifer's Body Edition. Beware, I'm going all Buffy comparison in this list.
1.) OK, let's get it outta the way. She may look whorey, but Megan Fox is fuckin hot 2.) This movie is like an episode of Buffy. I mean they could be in Sunnydale and it totally feels the same way. Needy is Willow, Chip is Oz and Jennifer is a Cordelia/Buffy hybrid. 3.) Looking beyond her character, Amanda Seyfried is waaay hot too. Just had to get that outta the way 4.) Low Shoulder ain't no Dingoes Ate my Baby
5.) OK I chuckled during that "It's true. It's on Wikipedia" line 6.) OMG that's fuckin Screeching Weasel. Damn you Diablo Cody!!!! 7.) Victim #1 was a jock douchebag (yay), Victim #2 is a Hot Topic addict (double yay) 8.) How many people from Juno are in this? 9.) It's like Teeth but without the mutant hoohaa 10.) Gratuitous use of an homage to Evil Dead via a t-shirt 11.) Hot lesbian scene is super stimulating on a intellectual basis....ok I'll be right back. 12.) Back......wait not done yet. Now I'm back. 13.) The female natural cycle to sexual innuendo ratio is like 2:1. 14.) Really? Satanic rituals and succubi. You gotta love 3rd grade level horror. 15.) The big final fight scene was all tampons and eating disorder talk. Funny one liners should have lead to chick on chick violence. 16.) OK the chick on chick violence was horribly boring 17.) That ending was on Season 3, Episode 12...aspect of the demon. OMG, did Diablo Cody just watch all of Buffy to write this shit? 18.) Gratuitous use of Lance Henrickson....why I ask you why? 19.) The waterfall thing is kinda cool 20.) OK, now lets talk about the dialogue. Sure I know its too overly clever but the Diablo Cody speak is exactly the same as Whedon-logue. So I'm not going to say that the movie is bad because of this.
I like how the dialogue is populated with pop culture references, Internet lingo and cleverly cleverisms. Because I mean look how I write for blog's sake. I'm a true Whedon disciple and every since, I've started blogging and talking this way. I think it might be a severe disorder that I will have a press conference about one day.
In any case, final thoughts on Buffy's Body. The movie is heightened Diablo Cody for the prepackaged, T-Mobile Sidekick text happy MTV crowd. I liked it in that mindless horror mainstreaminess sorta way. We got cock teased with Megan Fox partial nudity, thought we'd get some decent monsters slaying and it promoted the soundtrack as best it could. Here's the simple calculus.
Cleverlogue + Megan Fox + demonology + tongue on tongue happy = Yay!
It's a horror comedy with LOLs and OMGs and FTWs. Sit back, relax and eat some green M&M's. You get 2 spinkicks Jennifer's Body.
I've been on an exploitation kick of sorts. Having seen Bitch Slap and singing the praises of Black Dynamite and Black Devil Doll, its been all 'sploitation all the time.
So after cheering the shit out of the other 3 movies above, where does this heavenly movie stand?
It's pretty solid.
Richard Griffin (who directed Splatter Disco and Beyond the Dunwich Horror) takes the campy premise of crime fighting nuns going all renegade and taking on the Mafia and makes it part Troma film, part exploitation homage and as politically incorrect as you can be.
It's totally goofy, totally over the top and totally nun-tastic!
When you watch Shock-o-rama films, you have to take a different perspective. It's DIY cinema. Sure there are budget limitations, its got B-level dialogue and the CGI is laughable. But you genuinely see the director, the crew and the actors all give it their best and sometimes, something miraculous happens.
You get a fun flick.
Boring Plot-O-Matic Sister Kelly Wrath has got a habit… of flying off the handle. After being gunned down in an alley, she ascends to heaven to receive training from some of the great figures of religious mythology. She is then set back to Earth to join the other members of the Order of the Black Habit, a group of supernatural vigilante nuns, as they fight evil and seek revenge against the mob. Awesome Review-O-Matic
Well you gotta give them credit, the nunsploitation genre of grindhouse flicks hasn't been tapped for a while. It was about time for a reboot. If you're a Catholic or God fearing Republican, you may have a heart attack after you see Nun of That. This ain't Sister Act.
So who are these nuns in the Order of the Black Habit?
Sister Wrath: She's a got temper like Jules and likes her women a la lesbo.
Sister Pride: She probably make Ellen her bitch
Sister Lust: Black mamba with a side of vengeance
Sister Gluttony: Food is her mortal sin
So after Sister Wrath is kicked from her convent, she ends up on the other side of the tracks, dispatches of some would be thugs and dies and meets the J-man. J-man goes all Mr. Miyagi and we get a gratuitous training montage where the following happens.....
She gets trained by Gandhi in the art of non violence violence
Sees J-man sing a musical number
Meets her guardian angel
After meeting her fellow sisters, they get down to business and start to kick ass. So whose ass are they kicking? Well there are a few baddies that need to be sent to hell. These include....
Big Mama (the mama kingpin)
Richie Corbucci (the #2)
Viper Goldstein (a Jewish assassin)
And various henchmen
So how do our vigilante nuns strike fear in the hearts of the criminal underground? Well with a 12 gauge shotgun and lots of ammunition. Various scenes of carnage include...
A massacre of justice at a strip club
A trip to an all nun bar called Bar-Nun
A final climactic battle at a whorehouse
It's B-level justice delivered in short bursts of hilarity. Standard gunshots to the head, torso and a few Jewish ninja stars all make this a very fun flick Jesus would be proud of. Sure you get your standard molesting priest, Jewish jokes, lesbo nuns and holy priests (get it?), but its all tongue and cheek and tongue on tongue (wink wink) fun.
This is actually the first Richard Griffin or Shock-o-rama film I've seen since Cannibal Campout and I thought I'd have a hard time diggin the B-level and Troma like humor. But the fact is, the Troma movies tend to grow on you (I mean Poultrygeist was freakin damn good) and here you get special appearances from Debbie Rochon and Lloyd Kaufman giving their stamp of approval.
So when you get in the mood to see mindless entertainment and want to see nuns kickin ass, Nun of That might be your prayers answered.
Gore-ipedia
Lots of gunshot trauma Nude-ipedia
You'd think we'd get lots of boobies, but Nun of That stays pretty clothed
WTF moment Viper Goldstein the Jewish assassin needs his own movie
The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis
You kinda know what to expect when your watching a movie like Nun of That. I found it totally turn off your brain good. I mean it's not as good as Black Devil Doll or the others I mentioned but it's not irritatingly bad as you'd think it would be.
Bitch Slap is an homage to those genres, ripe with T&A and some serious amounts of bitch slapping. You're not going to be intellectually stimulated by the film (though if you got the XY chromosome you'll be stimulated in another way). Let's make this simple and do the math here.
Hot looking hotties + high tech guns + cat fighting = WIN!
So a typical review would be pointless here. So I'm going to just answer the questions you have in your perverted little mind. Boring Plot-O-Matic
Three bad girls travel to a remote desert hideaway to steal $200 million in diamonds from a ruthless underworld kingpin.
Awesome Review-O-Matic
OK, I know my reviews tend to be long drawn out paragraphs. So for mass consumption intellect, here is a very easy to read Q&A review, one even George W. Bush could understand.
1.) Oh for the love of all that is nipples, just tell me already does any of the hot looking stars in the film get naked???
Sadly, no. Our 3 sexy vixens, Hel (Erin Cummings), Camero (America Olivo) and Trixie, the "Perfect 10" (Julia Voth) keep most of their clothes on (the few they are actually wearing).
In other words, these aren't the nipples you're looking for.
2.) I heard there is serious amounts of lesbianism, women on women sex, lots of boobie groping and even a montage of the 3 splashing water on each other in a climaxing slo mo. So it's a family movie right?
Oh most definitely. Yup, lots of Baywatch slo mo (director Rick Jacobsen is a Baywatch alum) of our trio acting uber slutty with closeups of their yummy parts. This all hits an apex when the 3 have a water fight dumping pails of water on their perfect looking bodies....ummm I'll be right back......
OK I'm back. There's also a hot scene of Trixie and Hel going all L Word on each other. Man oh man, I think I have my new favorite hottie in Julie Voth.
3.) I could just go and surf for porn or even watch some Skinemax for some hot chicks. So why should I watch this shit?
Well, because what porn and Skinemax don't have is serious amounts of bitch slapping and chick on chick violence. Fight choreographer Zoe Bell (from Tarantino's Death Proof) has designed the ultimate kick ass scenes for you to enjoy.
Not since Nada vs Frank in They Live has their been an uber fight scene that lasted for at least 10-15 minutes. And we just don't get one fight, we get 2!
4.) So who' s the big bad in all of this?
Plenty of enemies get the call including Road Warrior reject Hot Wire, his own GoGo Yubari Kinki and a mysterious Keyser Soze ultimate super villain of legend, Pinky.
5.) What the fuck dude? I heard there are a bunch of flashbacks to explain the plot in this. Can you explain because I get dizzy when that happens.
So to get to why they are in the middle of the desert searching for the diamonds, everybody's back story is told in flashbacks ranging from 6 months, to 3 days to 3 weeks. The flashbacks tell how everybody met and are quite the hoot.
Camaro in a convent taking advantage of nuns, Trixie is a stripper who using her assets to get the info she needs and Hel's got some government contacts and isn't who she says she is. Lots of hilarity ensues and its all kooky crazy.
6.) I heard there are a few cameos from people I know. Is Taylor Swift in this and if so, is she naked?
Sorry, I don't want to interrupt but Julie Voth got better boobs then you do. Yup, there are cameos. Kevin Sorbo makes a cameo as does Lucy Lawless as Mother Superior. If you watched Xena, Renee O'Connor makes an appearance as well as does Zoe Bell herself.
Also the midget prostitute from Total Recall (I shit you not)
7.) Can you check again if any of the stars got naked in this? C'mon maybe you missed a nipple slip.
Sorry no dude. But America Olivo got naked in Friday the 13th, so go watch that. On second thought, don't.
8.) I heard that the women in this movie are strong, powerful female characters who are not just beautiful but are also intelligent and evoke some feminist message about empowerment. Is this true?
**Wipes drool** Yeah sure. Whatever you say.
9.) So there's a twist right?
Yeah, even a monkey with a computer could figure out this twist.
10.) Is their enough to warrant a sequel so that I can see Julie Voth again?
Yup. Most definitely. We all want that.
If you have anymore questions, leave em in the comments below. Bitch Slap is total mindless B-movie fun. Sure it's like a strip club, all tease but no show (or touching in a sense) but it is very arousing and very stimulating.
Lots of punches to the face, high powered assault rifles, yo-yo's with razors attached to them and solid bitch slapping. It does get a little cheesy at times, where the characters are completely ACME cartoon cutouts or Skinemax parody movies. It really does feel like one of those Skinemax movies where the pseudo porn stars play secret agents or horny aliens looking for men to prey on.
But the thing about Bitch Slap is it actually feels like its a better quality of Skinemax. The 3 stars are decent actresses and make the laughable movie into something actually tolerable.
The best way to describe it is when your skimming through a copy of Maxim sometimes there's an article on some ex Green Beret special ops guy who killed like an army all by himself and you stop looking at the pics to read the article. Good article, awesome pictures.
WTF Moment
Gratuitous slo-mo water fight....Yes!
The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis
Bitch Slap had a limited run in the theaters and comes out on DVD March 2. It's one of those movies that the trailer made look so freakin awesome. Does it live up to the hype? Sorta. I mean it's got the best cleavage closeups I've seen in a while. Remember dude.
Hot looking hotties + high tech guns + cat fighting = WIN!
You clicked on this link because of that picture didn't you? Hahahaha. Well, I can't blame you. If you haven't guessed, that's Sophia Monk topless from the movie The Hills Run Red (review tomorrow). And there's more in the movie of Ms. Monk naked in the film. In the flick, she plays a stripper who helps a group of filmmakers look for a long lost movie. But thats irrelevant. Suffice it to say, she seems to "pop up" naked in the most unlikely of scenes.
But let's get to the thighs and breasts of this post. I posed the question, how gratuitous is gratuitous nudity?
Well horror and nudity go hand in hand don't they? If you go into your video store (remember those?) you'll notice that the scifi movies are next to the horror movies. And what's next to the horror movies? Yup, you got it. Porn. It's interesting to note that this set up is intentional as most horror fans do expect to see nudity in their movies. So a walk down the aisle would make it easier to get your fix on all 3 genres?
As much as we like to believe horror has defied the stereotype as in in the same vain as critically acclaimed movies, it's just not the case. We have to come to grips that it's a genre that is loved by a few and scorned by many. Oh yes, the casual moviegoer will go see a horror movie, but it's not to see a brilliant acting performance or a fascinating story. It's sometimes to see mechanical slasher kills and some bouncing C cups.
Could a slasher film be made where a beautiful sexpot didn't get naked? And even if nakedness doesn't occur, I have to count a very revealing Final Girl tank top is nudity as much as full frontal would be. I'm not here to argue the fact that nudity is in a horror movie, I'm trying to point out the instances where it's just plain gratuitous. And the funny part is I'm all for gratuitous nudity.
It's a staple of the slasher genre and its inserted in almost every pseudo genre of horror. Cannibal, redneck slaughter, yup. Monster attacks movies, yup. Vampire and werewolves in battle, yup to a degree. So what are the instances of gratuitous nudity?
Obviously gratuitous sex scenes demand nudity
Shower scenes
Taking a bath
Skinny dipping
Swimming
Locker rooms
Slumber parties
Strip clubs
Changing clothes
Massages
Saunas
Walking around the house (yup this happens)
Satanic rituals
Torture scenes
Demon nudity
Hookers
etc. etc. etc.
The question is, are scenes inserted like the ones above because it's expected? Would we be disappointed if we didn't see gratuitous nudity in one form or the other when we see a horror movie that involves teenagers? Horror is still a male dominated genre and most of the audiences are guys looking to see relentless violence and movie star T&A. If this wasn't the case, Platinum Dunes would be out of business. I am 100% sure, the new Nightmare on Elm Street has nudity. I'll be shocked if it didn't.
Of course, the PG-13-ing by Hollywood to the horror genre has almost made this question irrelevant. We've almost become accustomed to the fact no nudity will appear in the current mass production of Hollywood fluff. Some call this blasphemy. Horror movies need to be Rated R and must have strong sexual content and extreme violence and gore. Others have felt a PG-13 horror movie without the above can be just as good.
I want to know what you guys think. Simply put:
1.) How gratuitous is gratuitous nudity? Would you be angry if you didn't see some boobies in a slasher flick? Would somehow more gore and splatter make up for this?
2.) How often do you expect nudity in horror movies? 100% of the time? 75%? 50%? 25% 0%?
3.) Would you go see a Rated R/Unrated film filled with extreme violence, splatter and gore with tons of nudity.....but the film sucks OR would you see a nice, clean PG-13 horror movie that was praised unanimously by horror critics?
The fact that I have both a GORE-ipedia and NUDE-ipedia goes to show that I sincerely believe horror fans expect both and are looking for both these things to happen. So let me know what you think.
If your looking for more nude photos, c'mon just Google it will ya. And for the few of you expecting more Sophia Monk pictures, check back tomorrow. How gratuitous do you think I am?
Directed by Jonathan Lewis Written by Shawn Lewis/Mitch Mayes
He's a mothafuckin' Puppet!!!!
If you've been following the jaded viewer, you know I've been hyping the fuckin shit out this movie for a while now.
I posted the trailer back in August of last year and been giving updates on the on and off DVD release. So after much hoopla, hype and uber buzz, it was no question, I would watch the NYC theatrical premiere last Friday with a bunch of other fucked up New Yorkers in a semi packed theater.
And it's exactly the right setting to have seen it at. The special screening was at midnight, (of course!) and the crowd was a mixed bag of hardcore 'sploitation fans, movie genre fans and some manofest white and black brothas who just wanted to see some funny ass shit. There was some yelling, screaming and tons of laughs. The audience participation was as funny as the movie. One dude yelled out "How'd he get outside so fast?" questioning the logic of the flick. I turned to Insano Steve and said, "Wow I was thinking that too but whom am I to question logic in a flick about a fuckin possessed black devil doll killing Caucasian women?"
And we did see some funny ass shit. And barring a fuckin nuclear apocalypse, Black Devil Doll is going to end up as my #1 best movie of 2009. Boring Plot-O-Matic
(From the official site) A young, moist, buxom teen vixen finds herself hurled into an odyssey of forbidden sex and unspeakable violence after an innocent evening dabbling in the occult. What started as a simple child's game has now become a fight for her life! What is this evil that she has summoned from beyond? And why does it have a fro? What kind of horrific acts will she be subjected to? And what price will her super-hot, half-nude friends have to pay? But more importantly, how much Caucasian blood will have to be shed to stop....the BLACK DEVIL DOLL?!!"
Awesome Review-O-Matic
So if you haven't heard of this flick, you must have been in a cave in North Dakota. The trailer spread like fire on the interweb and was a masterpiece in itself. The big question for the movie was could it live up to the mega hype it was getting.
There is no fuckin doubt it does.
From a hilarious animated opening MPAA credit sequence to the closing credit "Oakland Fried Chicken" scene, the movie is filled with so much insanity, you might as well check into the Bellvue psych ward after viewing it.
But let's get into the breasts, thighs and legs of this flick first (pun so fuckin intended). We'll get to the voluptious vixens in a sec, let's first talk about the irrelevant plot. Our wise ass jiving motherfuckin hero is Mubia Abul-Jama, an ex Black Panther whose been sentenced to death for killing 15 Caucasian women. He gets reincarnated into a "ventrickelist" dummy, complete with awesome fro and black fist power t-shirt.
Heather, a E cup hottie soon falls for our hero and they are in relationship mode complete with ice cream at the park strolls, swings and slide fun, picnics and puppet-human grunt-a-thons. It's one of the most hilarious, very aware cliche mockeries I've ever seen. But it gets into much more than that.
Black Devil Doll takes the mild Team America puppet sex scene to a more extreme level, where reactions from our doll make Ole English 40 come out of your nose. Think of the most basic porn movie, all the multiple positions. Got it? Now think of that with a fuckin black devil doll puppet.
Heather's ex-boyfriend, White T also makes an appearance. A "Wigga" in the truest sense of the word. Jealous and bent on capping that midget fool, he comes into play in a major scene later on. But let's get to the good shit right?
Soon Heather has her friends over who arrive and take a car wash scene music video to a next level. Natasha, Candi, Buffy and Bambi are the sexiest of the ho's from the neighborhood and as dumb as bricks. Soon we get some "show me some boobies" and gratuitous Twister to show off their awesome "assets". The sexploitation oozes out for all of us to see, it all oozes out of our doll.
But the movie goes down a more hilarious fucked up road. Filled with fart and bowel movement jokes, sleazy racial derogatory comments and women taking showers and baths, it's also self aware. Whatever you were thinking, our black devil doll is also thinking and telling the audience. It's so clever in its intelligence to break the 4th wall it might have been overlooked on first viewing. This is partially a horror movie and so the kill scenes are as patently offensive as all the others. Our anti-hero soon dispatches of our hotties in cruel and unusual ways. Rejoice gorehounds! There is plenty of sliced throats, bashed heads and anal rape scenes for you to enjoy.
Yes I said it. Anal fuckin rape. A climactic kill scene has a man get anally raped and then tossed some menthols (what else would it be) Can that actually be topped? Oh fuck yeah. Later, we get more dummy doll-human boink-a-thons that no doubt have corrupted your already jaded cerebral. More multiple positions, more "salad tossing", more "golden showers". Yes horror kin, it goes for the fuckin trifecta of sleaze.
I am leaving so much out that it's best to see with your blaxploitation virginity intact. Never have a I seen a movie where shock scene after shock scene, I was falling off the chair. Having seen Bruno, you can get that feeling of uncomfortableness and nervous laughter. In Black Devil Doll, there was none of that. It's perfectly set up to have you shout "OHHHHH SHIT!!!" and "NOW THAT'S WHAT I'M FUCKIN TALKING ABOUT".
No doubt this movie was shot on a shoe string, but the quality of the movie is not a YouTube amateur wannabe filmmaker. Jonathan Lewis and company made solid quality high tech effects, from the splatterific gore to the "Negroscope" vision (and you don't need Real D 3D glasses for it). Working on so many levels, even the bad acting has to be considered part of the movie.
Black Devil Doll is the apex of all modern day blaxploitation movies, filled with sleazy humor, tons of nudity and splatter happy gore. Harking back to the old grimy and sticky Times Square grindhouse days, Black Devil Doll is a tour de force of debauchery, insanity and nudity.
(I love when critics use the overused term "tour de force")
Many movies claim to try to go and remake or reboot the grindhouse/exploitation glory days. We've seen the shit Hollywood comes out with to Cha Ching money to the bank. PG-13 exploitation might be good enough for tweens, but it's not the malt liquor we hardcore horror fans want.
When a movie like Bruno is the supposed most offensive of its time, out comes a movie from the indie underground like Black Devil Doll to say "FUCK YOU BITCH! I'm the motherfuckin pimp of pimps."
I couldn't say it better myself. Actually I did say it.
Gore-ipedia
Sliced throats Bashed Heads Golden Showers Shit (yup shit)
Nude-ipedia
Really? Do I need to actually write this list? There is so much nudity in BDD, if you blinked you might have missed some titties. WTF moment
THE ENTIRE FUCKIN FILM
The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis
You need to see this movie. That's it. It's a must fuckin see. If you call yourself a horror fan, it's the hidden secret everybody has been talking about.
The film has ended it's theatrical run but comes out on DVD on October 27th. Preorder is on Oct 2nd. Also being released is a tie in novel. You can go here for more information.
As the unrated trailer warns: "If the thought of a wayard white woman having sexual relations with a demonic jive ass black puppet offends you, DO NOT SEE Black Devil Doll..."
The rest of you, go see this bad ass, crazy muthafuckin movie.
Group of young hot coeds go on vacation + fucked up shit happens (somebody dies) + normal dudes turn into evil psychopaths = Donkey Punch.
See? The UK can make generic horror just like the good ole US of A.
With a title liked Donkey Punch, you'd hope the Brits would go extreme-o with this type of sexual horror gone awry. However, they obviously don't and go the same generic route of formulaic horror and become an outright B-grade copycat of Dead Calm and all the other horror hijinks (maybe hikink?) on the high seas.
If this was made in America, it would be called The Yacht or Dead Water. It wouldn't have any sex in it, most certaintly be PG-13 and star one token black guy. Yes folks. It would be The Hills meets Dead Calm. I'm thinking Tara Reid as the blonde....maybe Freddy Prinze Jr. as the evil captain.
Oh oh. I can hear the Hollywood remake machine. Fuck.
Boring Plot-O-Matic
After meeting at a nightclub in a Mediterranean resort, seven young adults decide to continue partying aboard a luxury yacht in the middle of the ocean. But when one of them dies in a freak accident, the others argue about what to do, which leads to a ruthless fight for survival.
Awesome Review-O-Matic
[Cue Gilligan's Island theme song]
Just sit right back & you’ll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip That started from this Spanish tropic port aboard this tiny yacht ship. The mate was a mighty sailing man, The skipper evil for sure. Six passengers set sail that day for an orgy, drug fueled tour, an orgy, drug fueled tour
The sex started getting rough, the large blonde chick was donkey punched, If not for the evil of the fearless crew The audience would be bored, The audience would be bored.
The final girls started running around while everybody went nuts With Tammi, Lisa too, Sean and Josh, The DJ
The Lawyer and Kim,
Here on Donkey Punch Isle
OK that didn't turn out too good. But overall that sums up the movie in a nutshell. Lets make fun of the characters ok?
1.) Final Girl Mary Ann (not her name but lets go with the Gilligan theme ok?) 2.) Movie Star big boobies, blonde chick 3.) Brunette with short hair that looks like that Survivor chick who was in that movie with Rob Schneider 4.) Some Gilligan looking guy in a light blue shirt that does the donkey punch 5.) DJ guy who does his best Ali G impersonation 6.) Skipper/captain guy 7.) Another dude in a white shirt
Let me start off by saying I needed subtitles. Sometimes you can't understand even Brits speaking english with the level of slang and heavy accents vocalizing all over the place mate.
The movie is at 1 hour and 40 minutes. Seriously? I think the extra 10 minutes was because of the sex scene. Which honestly is why any horror hound would be intrigued to see this flick.
So as our 3 really dumb Brit chicks accept an offer from some rich, young Brit dudes to go aboard their yacht and do drugs, you can see this is going to Natalie Holloway into really bad fuckedupness. Soon we see the hot blonde chick get double teamed and she gets donkey punched to death while another couple are skinemaxing on the couch. Still thinking of the sex scene? Yeah Metacafe!
You good? Soon we go into coverup mode as everybody doesn't want to go to jail. Lots of talking, threatening speeches, yada yada yada and we get to some stabs o plenty from the generic horror vending machine.
So our Gore-ipedia includes a stab to the shoulder, flare kaboom! and a rotor to the neck. Yawn. I've seen more gore from an episode of The Simpsons Treehouse of Horrors.
Soon our goody two shoes final girl and her BFF are trying to figure out ways to escape the yacht from hell. Horror-rity ensues until we get to the uber anti climactic ending. The movie is more thriller on the high seas than a gorehound's delight. It just didn't seem to go clickity click on any of my "wow" radar. At least we got to see some boobies.
Nude-ipedia
Umm see the scene above dummy
WTF moment Rotor to the neck by Survivor chick didn't make any fuckin sense
The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis
Dude the donkey punch scene does not live up to the hype. I'm sure you can find it online. Surrounding this high level of gratuitous nudity and sex is another B grade Caucasian horror film that could very well be on Skinemax real soon.
Best if you catch it then. 2 spinkicks for being at least watchable for what it was trying to do. At least it wasn't about teen vampires.
Back after a 16 year hiatus, he returns with a blood pumping, pulsating, throbbing (pun so intended) and wacko of a movie called Bad Biology.
This twisted little fucked up film comes from the minds of Henenlotter and R.A. The Rugged Man a legendary rapper.
Bad Biology can be summed up as grindhouse 2.0. A surreal episode of Skinemax with the old Henenlotter jolt of craziness.
Some will claim this is utter garbage. Bad acting, rubber penises and porn stars playing porn stars.
But I really could care less what people say. Because when you see a 15 inch johnson attack scantily clad women you have to grade this movie on a fucked up curve.
Boring Plot-O-Matic Driven by biological excess, a young man and woman search for sexual fulfillment, unaware of each other's existence. Unfortunately, they eventually meet, and the bonding of these two very unusual human beings ends in an explosive and ultimately over-the-top sexual experience, resulting in a truly god awful love story....
Awesome Review-O-Matic
There is nudity every 15 seconds in this flick. And it comes in the form of Charlie Danielson who plays Jennifer, an erotic photographer who is born with 8 clitorises. She narrates the film and tells of her mutant vagina and its affects on her very nympho lifestyle.
Like a meth addict, she constantly craves sex and picks up guys at bars. The dudes think they've scored but getting screwed and having your head bashed in at the same time are the consequences when you hook up with Jennifer.
Jennifer is hot, in that hip hop music video vixen sorta way (she's one in real life). We get plenty of simu-sex and it's Skinemax-ish to the extreme.
The problem with Jen's mutantism is her reproductive system is a Benjamin Button fast forward. She can get pregnant, go into labor and plop a baby in an hour. A mutant baby that is.
Henenlotter loves the mutant babies and they are fucked up as advertised. After every sexual encounter, she plops one out and leaves it screaming and crying.
BB has some qualities of Teeth in that the guys are macho fodder for our crazed Jennifer. She leaves bodies behind and she still can't get satisfied.
Let's go thru the list....
1.) Bad boy gets head bashed in 2.) White trash kid gets lucky 3.) Suave dude gets massacred by a lamp
But that all changes when she meets Batz. Batz is not a normal boy. When he tells a lie, his Pinnochio nose can't get off. So what's a dude to do?
Inject it with roids and HGH. That makes perfect sense.
So now he has a mutant, self aware cock thats craving some pussy all the time. Holy shit. He's got a super duper steampunk Swedish penis pump machine just to get off. After meeting his dealer to sedate this big ass snake monster, he volunteers his house for Jennifer's photo shoot.
Three nutty gonzo scenes are illustrated in total insanity.
1.) A hip hop photo shoot with naked models who have vagina masks 2.) We see Batz's wild mutant schlong going all wild 3.) Batz gives a hooker an eternal orgasm
Soon, these 2 lovebirds meet up not before we get the most fucked up scene in the entire film.
4.) Batz's mutant dick detaches, goes all claymation, starts breaking floorboards and starts to attacks 5 really hot chicks in an apartment complex.
It's the most bizarre, oddly arousing totally fucked up piece of cinema I've ever seen. I can honestly say I've never seen a rogue, mutant, 'roided up, veiny penis attack and pleasure hot, big breasted porn stars in awesome claymation and rubbery animatronics.
Now that's a first. To say Bad Biology is bad is critically asinine. Henenlotter wants you to laugh and squirm and feel aroused all at the same time. It reminded me of Killer Condom in its squirty cheesiness and has a very Brain Damagy feel as well.
The one thing you come away (yeah the jokes just write themselves) with is that you didn't watch this for a well conceived plot or any gore or splatter kill scenes.
For once admit that you wanted to see hot naked women get boinked in every position plus see some mutant penises and babies.
What more do you want?
Gore-ipedia
Head bashing Lamp bashing Penis mouth to mouth
Nude-ipedia
Gratuitous nudity at its most gratuitous Big boobies Small boobies Shower boobies Asian boobies Black boobies Porn on TV boobies Penthouse Pet boobies Playboy boobies Porn Star boobies Gratuitous full frontal
WTF moment
The penis monster goes on the prowl
The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis
Well with this much nudity and sex you were bound to get some porn stars, Penthouse Pets and Playboy beauts in some cameos. Tina Krause, Krista Ayne, Rachel Robbins and hot porn star Jelena Jensen are all penis monster victims.
Don't kid yourself. You know exactly why you would Netflix, torrent or actually buy this film.
This is sleaze at its finest. No holds barred grindhouse erotica. So sexually charged amptitude, you want to visit this Henenlotter universe because its a throwback to all that is B movie glory cinema. The sleaze-meister is back. Can Brain Damage 2 be too far behind?
I put up the poster for Run Bitch Run a week ago and took a look at some production photos. I was psyched then and now we get to see the awesome trailer in 2 versions.
1.) A regular, official PG-13 version (see below) 2.) A XXX, NOT SAFE FOR FUCKIN WORK, TONS OF BOOBIES and all out gratuitous nudity version. Click here for that one you perv.
It reminds me of the awesome Black Devil Doll trailer which totally blew my mind (and other things ;-P)
Here is a quick "plot" summary.
RUN! BITCH RUN! tells the story of Catherine and Rebecca, two Catholic School girls going door-to-door selling Religious paraphernalia in order to pay for their education. Things go horribly wrong when they knock on the wrong door in the wrong neighborhood. After she is brutally raped and left for dead Catherine awakes with one thing on her mind, REVENGE.
Run! Bitch Run! is a throw back to the classic 1970's Rape and Revenge films like 'Last House On the Left' and 'Ms. 45. The film takes place in the late 1970’s where the lack of modern technology made the world a more vulnerable place. This is an original story that has not been explored in recent films. Its uniqueness and chilling subject matter lends itself to horror/thriller audiences looking for something new.
Written by Robert James Hayes II and Joseph Guzman.
Well everybody has done regular reviews, screencap reviews, quotey quotable reviews of Jennifer's Body. But nobody has done a trademarked jaded viewer WTF List of this movie.
5.) OK I chuckled during that "It's true. It's on Wikipedia" line
16.) OK the chick on chick violence was horribly boring
