the jaded viewer

Cloverfield

Cloverfield (2008)
Directed by Matt Reeves

Fuckin Cloverfield. In a previous post, I speculated and tried to predict what the Cloverfield monster would be. I went out on a limb and said it was the Lake Champlain monster, Champ.

Of course I was fuckin wrong.

And then I saw the frakin movie and it made me dizzy and nauseous.

Fuck you Cloverfield.



To tell you the truth. I didn't really like it. I saw it like the mindless atomoton jabroni masses and got caught up with the freakin hype.

And so for about 80 minutes I watched the following:

1.) Hipsters acting like freakin hipsters and making hipster references for the YouTube crowd

2.) Hipsters running away from the big, giant lobster monster

3.) Hipsters in love doing dumb shit to move the plot along

4.) Hipsters reading off of a very badly written script and making corny hipster jokes

5.) Hipsters making a mockery of the subway system (Spring to fuckin Lexington? WTF?)

6.) Hipsters acting like a big giant space monster isn't important enough to film while on a rooftop that gives you clear view of the freakin thing

7.) Hipsters dying (that was my favorite part of the movie)

Ooooooo. There's a space transmission at the end. Ooooooooooo. The asteroid carrying the monster is in the last scene.

WHO THE FUCK CARES???

This is a monster movie without an awesome monster. So in between scenes of hipsters running around, you see glimpses of what can only be a lobster that shits out lobster babies. Wow.

And boy does the US Military kinda suck when it comes to killing a lobster.

No origin of the monster is explained. Just 9/11 like carnage Godzilla style. For somebody who actually was on the streets of Manhattan on 9/11, I don't need a reminder.

So suffice ot to say, Cloverfield is clovercrap.

If you want to see a monster movie, see The Host. Now that's a monster movie.

Rating:

Tags:
movie review of the day, Cloverfield , american horror , cloverfield monster revealed, cloverfield transmission, hipsters dying, splatter, gore

Labels: cloverfield, cloverfield ending, cloverfield monster revealed, cloverfield review, cloverfield transmission, hipsters dying, pictures of cloverfield monster, the host

Posted by the jaded viewer at 8:21 PM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

What the fuck is it??

What is the Cloverfield monster?

<-----click on the image to the left to see the monster in motion The vague trailer screen cap to the left is staticy and shadowed up. From what I can tell thats the back of the monster and it looks like it has a shell or an exoskeleton. It could be a gigantic lizard, or a monstrous amphibian or Gamera.

Who the fuck knows?

Everybody has a theory.

They've even got artistic renderings of what it could be.

See here.

Various sources say its an alien parasite or a giant robot (ala Voltron).

According to the director, Matt Reeves Cloverfield is the goverment codename for the monster:

"And it's not a project per se. It's the way that this case has been designated. That's why that is on the trailer, and it becomes clearer in the film. It's how they refer to this phenomenon [or] this case,"

I've got my own theory.

And if I'm right, this blog post is proof of my prediction 10 days before the film opens.

The Cloverfield monster is...........................



CHAMP!!!



The Lake Monster of Lake Champlain.

Champ is the US Version of the Loch Ness Monster.
Nobody knows what it is but my theory for the movie goes like this.

Some Japanese company dumped toxic shit into Lake Champlain which causes Champ to mutate into some big, gigantic monster.

Champ is now hungry and decides to go down from his comfy home of Lake Champlain down the Hudson River all the way down to NYC.

Remember the first thing you see when you are in the Hudson River is the Statue of Liberty.

The US Government knows about Champ and the mutated monster plesiosauris-like creature. They codename the monster "Cloverfield". It's a reference for the small town near Lake Champlain where Champ nests.

Of course Champ escapes and goes down river causing much destruction along the way. People start seeing "something" but nobody knows what it is.

Finally, good ole Champ ends up in NYC looking to feed on yummy humans and cause mayhem and destruction.

The ending has Champ being driven out of NYC by the Army and a distant shot of Champ's famous photo (see above) will be the last scene as he swims toward the Atlantic Ocean.

This is my theory and if its 100% true, I thought of it first.

What you got a better theory??

Tags:

pictures of cloverfield monster
cloverfield monster
cloverfield monster revealed
champ lake monster
lake champlain monster

Labels: champ, champ lake monster, cloverfield, cloverfield monster revealed, lake champlain, pictures of cloverfield monster

Posted by the jaded viewer at 9:30 PM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post