the jaded viewer

Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead

Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead (2009)

Directed by Declan O'Brien

In the first few minutes of Wrong Turn 3, we get full grade A boobies, pot smoking and ocular trauma. You gotta give a film its props for following all the cliches of a cannibal redneck horror film in its initial opening scene.

But that's where it slowly tumbles downhill. But that's not to say the tumble isn't fun. The thing about Wrong Turn 3 is your enjoying yourself while all the characters start dropping one by one. At the bottom of the hill however is a pile of corpses and you can't believe you actually witnessed this stinking pile of crap.


1.) So have we seen this before?

Yuppers. And I reviwed plenty of these flicks. See Dismal: Eat or be Eaten, The Cottage, Dying Breed, Gnaw and Offspring.

2.) Is Three Fingers back in this one?

Yah dude. And in this one he's like mega indestructable. I mean this hillybilly can survive gunshots to the chest, hooks to the brain and sharp poles in the stomach. WTF?!? Are their druids involved? Is his heart made out of black ooze? Does he control dream demons?

3.) I heard the plot is about of convicts and correction officers that have to survive against Three Fingers...so is there nudity in this?

Aside from the opening scene and some dead victim boobage, that sums up your Nude-ipedia.

4.) The token black guy totally dies tokenly...right?

Dude. Was there any doubt?

5.) I heard from another review that there are some Saw like kills in this flick. I love Saw so I'm going to put this on top of my Netflix que right after I search for porn. Is this true?

Correct-o-mundo. Here be your Gore-ipedia. I'm not sure how its possible for a redneck, cannibal inbred motherfucker to design Jigsaw like traps. I mean he's got a slice and dice trap, a sickle boobie trap, some wooden spikes trap and a barbwire type thingy. Who the fuck is this guy? Does he go to engineering school for trap making for the hideously deformed?

6.) So after watching the trailer, there seems to be some awesome splatter and gore. I like splatter and gore because I'm mentally unstable. Does that mean I'll like WT3?

Well Mr. Unstable, I thought some of the gore scenes were pretty solid. Ocular trauma, pole in the mouth, pole in the mouth exiting out of the anus, road barbwire trauma. But the movie includes the WORST FUCKIN CGI I have seen...well since Dismal: Eat or be Eaten. Did these movies go the the 99 cents store of CGI? It's almost laughable...well because it is laughable.

7.) I heard from my friend's mother's uncle's half brother's priest's cousin once removed roommate that there is a scene of Convict vs Redneck ultimate battle? Really?

Yeah it almost as bad as watching the Yankees vs Phillies in the World Series.

8.) The NAACP told me this film is racist and sexist. I'd like to know. Is it?

Well you got a Mexican convict, a white skinhead and a convict that probably should be on to Catch a Predator...oh yeah all the white people all survive...so yeah its racist and sexist. Plus the portrayal of inbred, cannibal redneck Americans from West Virgina isn't true at all. They only say that only a few West Virginians are inbred, cannibal rednecks. Let's clear up the facts. West Virginia accounts for all 100% inbred, cannibal rednecks in America. So the point is you should never EVER go to West Virginia...or you will die.

9.) Final girl goes all final girly?

C'mon now...you know the answer to your own question.

10.) Wildly ambiguous ending that can be used to warrant a sequel?

Wow. The film throws a happy ending than explodes a WTF moment ending right after. I've never seen such balls to initiate a wildly ambiguous ending to warrant a sequel.

If you have any other questions, go and ahead and comment and I'll answer them in the most sarcastic and preposterous way possible.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

So I'm going to give this 2 spinkicks. Remember, I'm grading on a curve. It's only 90 minutes and somehow spawned logic questions of..."How did Three Fingers survive a hook to the head, getting burned alive and then somehow getting ahead of the speeding getaway car?".

Yes horror minions, it's so dumb and stupid you probably will loose a few brain cells watching Wrong Turn 3. It's like moonshine on celluloid. But that doesn't stop us from taking a swig of this foul tasting concoction.

Rating:

Tags:
wrong turn 3, incest death squad review , wrong turn 3 left for dead , horror movie 2009, redneck cannibal movies, horror blog, gratuitous nudity

Labels: cannibal films, cannibals, rednecks, wrong turn, wrong turn 2, wrong turn 3, wrong turn 3 review

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Gnaw

Gnaw (2008)

Directed by Gregory Mandry

You've all seen the posters for Joss Whedon's upcoming Cabin in the Woods right? The taglines take a shot at all the slasher convention "rules" of well cabin in the woods horror films.

These rules were obviously made famous in the Friday the 13th flicks but they've infiltrated many other flicks as well. Cabin Fever, Hills Have Eyes, etc.

Well before you see Whedon's flick, you should watch a movie like Gnaw to know what they are probably going to parody. In the posters for Cabin in the Woods the taglines are....

If an old man warns you not to go there..

Make fun of him.

If you hear a strange sound outside...

Have sex.

If something is chasing you...

Split up.

All the characters in Gnaw follow these rules to a tee. Just a generic horror movie for the generic horror generation. I really thought the UK would be a little better than this. I mean cannibal families in the UK country? Sorry, I just don't buy it. You're too damn civilized for that premise. What else, what else?

Oh yeah, did I mention that the killer family grinds up their victims and makes them into pies?

It's not as cool as it sounds.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

In this dark, tongue in cheek, British Horror, six friends take a holiday in the heart of the English countryside which turns into a culinary nightmare when they discover that their hosts are a sadistic family of cannibals, set on turning their guests into their next meal!

It's nice to have your friends for dinner.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

It's the speed review. I'm here to answer all your pertinent questions about Gnaw.

1.) How many dumb kids go into the woods?
Six.

2.) How many have sex?
Two.

3.) Do they eat the human meat pies?
Yes.

4.) Is it gross?
Not really. They discover a hair in one, a gold tooth in another and a ring in some soup.

5.) Is the caretaker landlady in on it?
You betcha.

6.) Is the final girl preggers?
Yup which makes sure she'll survive all the way to the end.

7.) I heard the slasher dude is known as the Slaughterman, so is he bad ass?
Think a younger Vinnie Jones meets David Beckham with a pitchfork.

8.) Is his mask a raccoon tail with eyeholes?
Yup. Wow strike fear into your victims with roadkill on your face.

9.) Any awesome scenes of kill carnage (aka Gore-ipedia)?
Err.Umm. Ehhh. Girl gets stabbed in the stomach. Some tongue trauma and some grind chipper foot. Nothing to write Fangoria about.

10.) Boobies (Nude-ipedia)?
Yeah, real and not spectacular.

11.) For a movie about cannibals, do they even eat their victims?
Nope. WTF?!?

12.) Is there a scene where one of them says "We can lose him in the woods."
Here be your WTF moment.
OMG, yeah. When has a victim fodder ever thought they could outrun a killer in the woods? I mean honestly.

13.) The ending sucks right?
Fuck yeah it does.

And there you have it. I was expecting a little more effort from a indie UK horror production. I'm gonna have to call out the UK and say leave it up to the revolutionists across the pond when it comes to cannibal, redneck horror. We kinda do it better and it's a little more believable.

Gnaw's tagline is "It's nice to have your friends for dinner". It should be "Been there done that, don't watch this movie"

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Umm. That's it. The end. Go home now. Review is over. Good night.

Rating:

jaded viewer related linkage:
The Cottage (Review)
Dismal Eat or Be Eaten (Review)


Tags:
gnaw, gnaw review , gnaw trailer , uk horror, cannibal horror, horror blog

Labels: 2009 grindhouse movies, 2009 horror dvd, 2009 horror movies, cannibal films, gnaw, gnaw review, rednecks, UK horror

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Header

Header (2006)

Directed by Archibald Flancranstin

What is a header?

Oh that's the big question that everybody asks and no one wants to give the answer to.

And you're not going to get anything out of me in this review.

Because if you are going to watch this movie, you need to see it for yourself, through virgin eyes. Because after seeing Header, I can honestly say I felt like I was covered in filth and vomit. And that's actually a good thing.

I call myself the jaded viewer because I believe I've seen everything and am too jaded for anything that could shock the shit out of me. Well, Header shocked the shit out of me. And that's saying something.

With the remake system churning out grindhouse homages left and right and Saw and Hostel still assembly line producing torture porn, it's the indie horror scene that goes back to the basics. They bring to life an infamous Edward Lee novella, complete with Edward Lee and Jack Ketchum cameos, supply the most grotesque, sick, most fucked up hillbilly revenge scenario and have the main character, ironically an ATF agent be the pro or anti tagonist depending on the scene.

It equals to one of the best modern day grindhouse movies I've ever seen.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

HEADER portrays the grueling psychological journey taken by ATF Agent Stewart Cummings. On the surface, Stewart struggles to solve a string of bizarre murders, but in secret, his life falls into a world of corruption that's impossible to escape. Deceit, rape, and murder spiral out of control triggering a hellish conclusion that defies description.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Before watching this movie, I read some reviews from other horror sites. The one thing everybody made sure of was NOT to divulge what a header is. And I won't either. It's to be discovered over the course of the movie, but I will say you find out early on.

The thing about Header is that it's as repulsive as advertised. I'm not advocating everybody see this atrocity come to life but I have to put it in the echelon of the most disturbing movies ever made (this list has some good ones in it). Like Nekromantik or Henry or Cannibal Holocaust, these are movies that live in infamy due to their content. Header, given a few years and a Synapse Films release will soon be joining that infamy.

The funny part is the movie as a whole is actually very interesting and when you get past the header, it's actually funny in that 'sploitation sorta way. It's the other stuff that makes it all super duper 70s 42nd Street awesomerific.

So what's the other stuff? Well we get to follow corrupt ATF agent Cummings. He's patrolling the backwoods of West Virginia (advice: never ever visit West Virginia) and he's got some serious problems. His GF is sick as a dog and he's up shit's creek in medical bills. To make up for it, he using his federal powers to help some drug runners.

Set on a parallel timeline is the story of Travis Clyde Tuckton. A recently released prisoner, he's the redneck hillbilly we all believe live in West Virginia. He joins his "grand pappy" who's got a little Hatfields and McCoys in him. Soon these feuds end up with dead girl bodies and both our main antagonists meet in a most fucked up scenario (and yes it involves a header).

Header is filled with redneck hillbillies, corrupt cops, cracker whores and every sort of backwards mentality you can think of. It has that "Fight for Your Life" feel to it in a sense of that southern twang. Add some top notch gore and splatter, some tolerable acting and a landscape of the backwoods of redneckville and you got yourself a self made moonshine of grindhouse glory.

Flancranstin does a great job of blending all this together and from the production took a hell of a long time to finish. The actors are all pretty descent in this, from Jake Suffian as Agent Cummings to Elliot Kotek as Tuckton. Though the performance of Dick Mullaney as Grandpap Jack was scary as a minority at a KKK bonfire. Don't mess with this old man.

Header is the best underground horror movie of the 21st century. Back in the day, you would have to go to a horror convention and buy a dubbed 3rd generation VHS tape of these pinnacle underground horror flicks. These days, you can torrent it and I just found out it's going to be on Netflix. In any case, Synapse has put it on DVD.

If you decide to cowboy up and watch Header, you are a fuckin sicko. A disturbed, fucked up individual. And in doing so, you will be initiated into the elite club of having seen one of the most fucked up films ever made. Welcome to the club.


Gore-ipedia

Headers (like lots of em)
Gunshot leg trauma
Shot to the head (x2)

Nude-ipedia

Victim boobies

WTF moment

Duh. When I found out what a header was.
The ending (it was twisty and fuckin fitting)

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Header is available now on DVD via Synapse Films. Order it if your man enough. For more teaser and full trailers head to the official site and the MySpace site.

Header is the most brutal, atrocious, f*** up movie I've seen in a while. It brings the glory days of grindhouse back from the dead and does it with a vengeance. They say revenge is a dish best served cold.

Well not in Header it isn't.


Rating:

1/2

Check out a couple of teaser trailers.

Teaser Trailer #1





Teaser Trailer #2





Teaser Trailer #3








Tags:
header, header review , what is a header , edward lee writer, gratuitous nudity, jack ketchum, 2009 horror movies dvd, grindhouse movies,exploitation movie, rednecks, west virginia, header teaser trailer, header synapse,

Labels: 2009 horror dvd, 70s grindhouse movies, edward lee, exploitation film, gore, hard revenge, header, header review, hillbillies, jack ketchum, rednecks

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Based on an Imperium Comics series, Trailer Park of Terror seems to hit all the right horror chords. Hot lead babe, rednecks, redneck demons and a busload of dysfunctional youth to kill.

It's an attempt at the horror-omedy though I'm skeptical this will work.

Just check out the trailer already.





Tags:
trailer park of terror trailer, trailer park of terror , redneck demons , top horror movies 2008, nyc subway, horror movies 2008, trace adkins, Nichole Hiltz,white trash,trailer park

Labels: dysfunctional youth, Nichole Hiltz, redneck demons, rednecks, top horror movies of 2008, trace adkins, trailer park of terror, trailer park of terrror trailer, white trash

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post