the jaded viewer

Laid to Rest

Laid to Rest (2009)

Directed by Robert Hall

Welcome to Chromeskull's world.

Our new slasher on the block Chromeskull will be remembered for his style, his knife and his damn sicko looking mask.

Laid to Rest is the best techno slasher movie of the 21st century. If Hatchet was old school American horror, Laid to Rest is new school American horror.

What Robert Hall has created here is purely an homage to all the slashers films that have come before. It's also a pure millenium based slasher film that is so sly and witty and full of top notch splatter and gore we all need to give him a standing O.

Laid to Rest should be seen if you call yourself a horror fan. It's easily one of the best horror movies of 2009.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A terrifying story of a young girl who wakes up in a casket with a traumatic head injury and no memory of her identity. She quickly realizes she was abducted by a Deranged Serial Murderer and in an isolated rural town she must survive the night and outsmart the technologically inclined killer who is hellbent on finishing what he started.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

As always, we here at the jaded viewer go through our "what makes a good slasher movie" list.

Does Laid to Rest achieve everything on this list?

1.) Is there a mysterious, insanely strong, ridiculed as a child, deformed, inbred redneck slasher?

Don't know if he was ridiculed as a child, is inbred or a redneck. But he is mysterious and he is fucking strong. Chromeskull is like a Patrick Bateman carbon copy. Clean black suit, a haliburton case full of of your standard slasher supplies, an advanced shoulder strapped HD cam and a damn scary, intimidating mask made out of chrome. Oh and he's got a wicked knife.

CHECK!

2.) Gratuitous, over the top, super fleshy nudity (with Grade A boobage)?

Sorta check. Some boobage but without the full or partial frontal nudity

3.) Stereotypical teenage caricatures who die gruesome and horrific over the top deaths?

Sorta check. Sorta? What do I mean? Here are a list of our characters.

1.) A big breasted final girl (who has no name and is referred to as THE GIRL)
2.) A rough and kick ass local
3.) A nerdy momma's boy geek
4.) 2 stereotypical teenagers (one is Thomas Dekker from Sarah Connor Chronicles!)
5.) A bunch of victim fodder (includes Lena Heady from Sarah Connor Chronicles!)

4.) No Plot?

Check.

5.) Kills by our slasher that make you go "Fuck yeah!"

Check. So many I was going fuck yeah this is fuckin awesome.

6.) Gore, lots of it. Like serious decapitation, dismemberment, impalement, frenzy steroid rages and blood shooting out at various penetration wounds, limbs a flailing and mindless splatter and mayhem

Check. Laid to Rest has the most creative kills I've seen in quite a while. The special effects and makeup department did a fuckin awesome job.

Here is your Gore-ipedia. These may sound vague and cliched but when seen they are brilliantly executed to perfection.

1.) Metal pole to the stomach
2.) Knife to the head
3.) Knife to the jaw and slashed up face trauma
4.) Knife slashing stomach intenstine spewage
5.) Shotgun to the head
6.) Head explosion thru car product
7.) Slashed throat (x2!)
8.) Face melting trauma

These were such great kills, all done wickedly by Chromeskull. His technique, just utterly flawless.

7.) Geeky leader who takes charge of the hapless group as they try to escape who befriends a hot girl who knows about the "legend" (there's always a legend no one believes)

Check. Geeky leader doesn't take charge but finds out about the legend via the interweb.

8.) Funny yet ill timed dialogue but also various quips and one liners that are funny only the first time around (yet somehow funny again when you buy the DVD and only when you're stoned)

Check.

9.) Final girl goes all final girly?

Check.

10.) Wildly ambigious ending that can be used to warrant a sequel?

Sorta check. Ending seems to warrant an actual ending. But who knows.

Nude-ipedia

Nada

WTF moment

Chromeskull removes his mask (you'll see)

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Laid to Rest was directed by Robert Hall who is a legend in the special effects world with his company Almost Human. He worked on Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles hence why Lena Heady and Thomas Dekker make extensive cameos in this film. He even knows Jonathan Schaech who almost makes a cameo. Bobbie Sue Luther who plays The Girl is Hall's wife.

Why is Laid to Rest one of the best horror movies this year?

Hall avoids all the stupid shit that's invaded horror of late. It's not a fuckin remake. It's not torture porn. It's not something supernatural. We never find out why Chromeskull kills (because no motivation is better) Chromeskull doesn't talk. Chromeskull techs up and texts and cams his terror and he has a fuckin awesome-rific mask.

That's not to say this little slasher film doesn't fall victim to what slasher films are known for. Bad acting, BIG, HUGE plot holes, and total lack of logic.

But fuck logic.

When Chromeskull is taking care of business, you'll be throwing that logic out the window.

Rating:

Check out the Red Band HD trailer.








Tags:
laid to rest, laid to rest red band trailer , american horror , serial killer movies, gratuitous nudity, lena headey, laid to rest review, horror movies 2009,

Labels: chromeskull, horror movies 2009, laid to rest, laid to rest review, laid to rest trailer, lena headey, serial killer movie, splatter, splatter gore, thomas dekker

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

I've been watching horror movies for well over 20 years. And I went through a big indie movie period as a teenager where I wanted to see totally obscure flicks...sorta going all Jarmuschy.

One of the flicks that sticks with me is a French horror-omedy called Man Bites Dog.

Shot in a docustyle, it follows a serial killer named Ben who has a camera crew documenting his life.

It's so disturbing and sick and fuckin revolting, that you want to watch more.

This is one of the first movies that gained instant cultness in my book. Everybody who calls themselves a jaded viewer should see this.

Check out the trailer below.

Labels: C'est arrivé près de chez vous, criterion, documentary snuff, french film, french horror, man bites dog, serial killer movie, strangulation

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

The Strangers

The Strangers (2008)

Directed by Bryan Bertino

This version of yuppie torture-core is brought to you by Rogue Pictures.

Now back to your regularly scheduled program.

What you should have been watching if you wanted some yuppie torture was Ils (aka Them) which I ranked #5 on my Top 10 horror movies of 2007.

A French horror flick that had more jumpy scares and eerieness then the Strangers.

Yes the mood and the darkness set up the horror to come, but I was overly bored. Scott Speedman and Liv Tyler are just spazzy young white couple who I could give 2 shits about. The psychopaths are made to be wicked smart, like they went to the Yale of serial killer school, working the triangle offense and always being 20 steps ahead of our yuppies.

That to me is why it failed. I like my killers a little flawed. I always root for them to kill without mercy, you know take no fuckin prisoners.

But I expect them to fuck up. Give the victims a fighting chance. That's the cat and mouse game of a solid horror film. Sometimes the mouse gets away, sometimes the cat shreds the mouse up.

Didn't you all at one point wanted to see Tom totally fuck up Jerry by stabbing him repeatedly?

It all ended the same, but you really never knew did ya?

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A young couple staying in an isolated vacation home are terrorized by three unknown assailants.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Let's first say Liv and Scott are both a bunch of pussies. After a botched up marriage proposal by James (Speedman) him and Kristen (Tyler) slowly get spooked by our three headed menace. We get the "stay here and hide" speech one too many times. You know Speedman is not as tough as he looks (hey this aint Underworld dude) and it's highly unlikely Liv Tyler is gonna go all Buffy here.

And then we see glimpses of our killers.

Dollface, Man in the Mask and Pin Up Girl.

These are our killers folks.

Really? Wow I was practically wetting myself when they were doing the following.

Oooooohhhh you got their phone!
That's so fuckin scary.

Oooooohhhhhh you crashed into their car with a fuckin Ford.
Why don't they just commit suicide?

Ooooooohhhh you made Speedman accidentally kill his friend.
I'm shitting bricks.

Ooooohhhhhh you smashed a radio.
You get the Jason Voorhees medal of valor.

Ooooohhhhhhh your masks are fuckin scary.
Awesome 99 cents store totally on clearance bargains!

Oooooohhhh you stab our yuppies in the stomach while their tied up.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

While I did admire the level of style this film has, and the killers motive of "Because you were home" is vague and utterly pointless, it still loses mucho horror points.

Remember, I'm the jaded viewer and I've seen the films you've copied from. Yeah this was written before Them but it wasn't written before fuckin Funny Games, Michael Haneke's ultra violent home invasion masterpiece (and I'm talking about the original, not the Watts/Roth American remake).

So yes, we must compare to the best home invasion horror film ever. And it doesn't even come close to the sicko fucked upness of Funny Games.

Alas, Halloween is coming up and your probably going to be looking for "scary movie". I've just listed 2 movies that you should rent or put to the top of your Netlfix queue.

If you really need your fix of yuppie toture-core, I'd bet my bloody OJ knife on those.

Gore-ipedia

Shotgun to the head
Knife to the stomach

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)

Some 10 secs of Liv Tyler soaking in the tub

WTF moment

Our killers unmask (though you don't see their faces)

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

I just read they are making part 2. Really? Seriously?

Some horror fans love this flick, some hate it. I'm in that Facebook group of "I hate this movie".
It's good enough for 1 spinkick. It's damn lucky to get even that.

I've got high standards for the home invasion movie. If you can't live up to it, don't even try.

Rating:

The Trailer




Tags:
horror remakes, the strangers trailer , them aka ils , liv tyler, , the strangers, , the strangers review, home invasion movies, , funny games,

Labels: funny games trailer, home invasion movies, horror movies 2008, liv tyler, masked killers, scott speedman, serial killer movie, the strangers, the strangers review, the strangers trailer, them

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

The Midnight Meat Train

The Midnight Meat Train (2008)

Directed by Ryuhei Kitamura

Every once in a while, Lion's Gate will poop out a movie worth 2 shits under it's horror label.

Fuck Saw V.

The Midnight Meat Train is that movie.

Wow, just a truly awesome-tastic horror gem. Possibly one of the best horror movies of the year.

So what did you need to pull of this feat?

You needed legendary Versus/Alive/Azumi director Ryuhei Kitamura. You needed a short story from horror writer Clive Barker (this little gem was a short from his Books of Blood series), a nifty screenplay by Jeff Buhler and some love from the horror community.

No thanks to Lion's Gate who decided to midnight movie and dollar themed this flick into theatrical oblivion.

But they did put up the loot.

TMMT is going to be a super duper horror cult classic, where it will play at midnight shows because people will WANT to see it. It hits all the right notes, leaving everybody scarred, bruised, sliced and diced and ultimately fuckin dead.

Rock on.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A photographer hunts down a serial killer. Based on Clive Barker's short story "Midnight Meat Train"

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Leon (Bradley Cooper) is a struggling photographer who wants to caption the essence of a vague metro city. Encouraged by his girlfriend Maya (Leslie Bibb who's quite a hotty) ,his friend Jurgis (Robert Bart) and a gallery artist played by Brooke Shields he ventures out to the city subway system to get gritty photos of life untouched.

We venture with Leon as he unravels the puzzle of a mysterious butcher (Vinnie Jones), who he follows and eventually witnesses the madman as he kills passengers on the train.

Why is he doing this?

Could it be he was bullied when he was young?
A mysterious tape he watched?
Does he want to show his victims that life is meaningful by creating elaborate traps?
Or is it some other bullshit motive?

Nah. It's fuckin fun.

Well he does have a real motive but that's not revealed til the "gotcha" ending. And I'm more than happy that the motive was told to me at the end. It would just have gotten in the way of the awesome scenes of carnage by our crazy butcher killer.

And we get plenty of them. Gorehounds refuckin joice. So many great scenes of slaughter it was horror-gasms one right after another. Decaps here, beheadings over there. Meat hook traumas, ocular traumas, you'd think you were watching fast food nation.

All mega major horror cylinders were hit. So synchronized to perfection. And we have to thank Kitamura and Barker for being on their game on this one.

Let's start with Kitamura. What you loved about Versus, Alive and Azumi are all blended into a liquid shake of horror gooeyness. Offbeat angles, frenzy camera work and hyper kinetic movement are all in play. Scenes are set up like Edward Munch like paintings. A cinematographer's wet dream.

A POV shot of a kill is done so well, I was cheering like I hit a game winning shot.

In the climatic final action sequence, the camera moves from in the subway car, to out of it, then back in all the while still capturing the gory fight.

The film paces nicely, chiming in with dialogue to push the plot but then making the audience engulfed in the suspense. Yes, people get chased, people hide from our dastardly killer. It's all cat and mouse, but most of the scenes Kitamura shows us are the cat totally fucking up the mice.

Poor mice.

Clive Barker's story is cleverly classic Barker. Like a good book, it's all about the buildup until the end where we are given an explanation and an ending that turns everything upside down. I realized what the ending would be 30 minutes in, but it's still pretty mini decent.

But the scene stealer has got to be the menace that is Vinnie Jones. He plays the killer butcher (he's credited as Mahogany) to a tee. A Gump like, suit wearing, leather bag carrying killer who remains SILENT throughout the flick.

His main weapon of choice: a meat pounder and hook.

And boy does he do a lot of fuckin damage with it.

TMMT just reinvigorated my horror adrenaline and cravings. It's by far one of the best horror movies of the year. And the sad part is not a lot of people are going to be able to see this little masterpiece until Lion's Gate releases it on DVD.

But if you get a chance to go to a midnight showing or dollar theatre matinee, support this little gem. It's worth more than a dollar, that's for sure.

Influences

Clive Barkers novels and short stories
80s classic horror
Grindhouse horror tinged movies

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

Meat hammer trauma
3D Ocular trauma
Meat hook to the balls
Decapitations
Barnacle gooyness
Human butchery
Stab wound to the neck
Knife through the mouth
Gunshot through the eye
Arm decaps
Leg decaps
Gallons of blood
Slicing and dicing
GORE GORE GORE!!!!

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)

A side boob from Leslie Bibb
Some dead victim boobies

WTF moment

That POV kill scene (it was soooooooooo good)

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

I'm blushing. It's so refreshing to see a movie that crosses the line, draws a new line then crosses that one too. I hope Kitamura goes the Takashi Miike route and dabbles making a couple of english language movies.

It's been so long since we had a Clive Barker fueled horror film, I think we now have to support Book of Blood as well.

OK, I'm going to go ahead and fuckin say it. The Midnight Meat Train is one of the Top 5 horror movies of 2008.

Now support this little turd so we can get more of the same.

Rating:

The Trailer



Tags:
the midnight meat train, the midnight meat train review , the midnight meat train trailer , lions gate horror films, vinnie jones, Ryuhei Kitamura, top horror movies 2008, clive barker book of blood, gratuitous nudity, splatter films, gore movies,

Labels: bradley cooper, clive barker, gore, leslie bibb, midnight meat train trailer, ryuhei kitamura, serial killer movie, splatter, splatter gore, terror train, the midnight meat train, vinnie jones

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

So after watching the infamous Tom Savini headshot scene for the 20 millionth time, I stumbled upon the Spinell archives.

As most underground horror fans know that Joe Spinell the writer and star of Maniac died before he could finish Maniac 2. But the trailer for Maniac 2: Mr. Robbie has been floating around for a while. Yay YouTube. We now all can see what could have been.

For you noobs who haven't seen Maniac, the trailer is below. For the few who haven't seen Mr. Robbie, go ahead and see sadistic 80s violence in all its glory.

Maniac Trailer





Maniac 2: Mr. Robbie Trailer




Well make that the 20 millionth and 1 time...the infamous headshot scene.





Tags:
maniac, maniac trailer , maniac 2: mr robbie , headshot scene, tom savini, carnie, top horror movies, joe spinell, gratuitous nudity, splatter films, times square 42nd street 70s nyc, , sleaze,

Labels: gore, headshot scene, joe spinell, maniac, maniac 2 mr robbie trailer, maniac trailer, serial killer movie, splatter, tom savini, william lustig

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

So I'm watching a terrible episode of Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, I decided to IMDB Sarah Connor herself, Lena Headey. I wanted to know what other movies besides 300 she's done. And what do I find? She's in a horror movie....and get this!!....it's with her TV son John Connor! (Thomas Dekker).

Wow talk about a small world.

This blood-irific splatter fest is called Laid to Rest, coming in 2009.

The trailer looks gooey and has shades of arterial spraying. Fuckin trailers always make even the shittiest movie look good.

And the funniest thing is in the trailer, the serial killer looks like a freakin terminator!!!

I'm fuckin serious. He's got silver skull mask (ahem!) and red scope thingy attached to his shoulder (double ahem!) And he's terminating the shit out of people from the looks of it.

Will this maniac killer be a cyborg from the future? Where's the hot teen Terminator to protect young John Connor? Where is David Silver? Can he save his nephew by DJing a good beat?

I'm going to get so confused.

Plot-o-rama....................

A terrifying story of a young girl who wakes up in a casket with a traumatic head injury and no memory of her identity. She quickly realizes she was abducted by a Deranged Serial Murderer and in an isolated rural town she must survive the night and outsmart the technologically inclined killer who is hellbent on finishing what he started.

Check out the Red Band HD trailer.





Tags:
laid to rest, laid to rest red band trailer , american horror , serial killer movies, gratuitous nudity, lena headey, terminator sarah connor chronicles, horror movies 2009,

Labels: bloody violence, horror movies 2009, laid to rest, laid to rest trailer, lena headey, serial killer movie, splatter, splatter gore, terminator the sarah connor chronicles, thomas dekker

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

After watching the trailer for Stag Night, the first question that popped into my head was...

Really?????? Every year, 2000 passengers go missing on the subway?????
Get the fuck out of here.

But who am I to argue. I'm sure they have certified NYC MTA stats to back that shit up.

Stag Night is brought to us by Peter Dowling, who wrote Flightplan. The plot sounds like Judgement Night, but on a train.

Four guys on a bachelor party get off the subway at a station that shut down in the 50's and, after watching a transit cop get brutally murdered, find themselves running for their lives beneath the streets of NY.

The movie stars Kip Pardue, Breckin Meyer, the hot Vinessa Shaw and Scott "Boyka" Adkins.

Which begs the question, why is Boyka (from Undisputed 2) running from a crazed NYC serial killer? He can fuckin spinkick the shit out anybody.

So if your on a NYC train, don't get off a stop that looks shady. Do as the tagline suggests.

Stay on train (or get out when its your stop)

Check out the trailer in all its absurd glory below.

Tags:
stag night trailer, stag night , serial killer NYC , boyka, nyc subway, nyc horror, scott adkins, slasher,subway,vinessa shaw

Labels: breckin meyer, kip pardue, mta, nyc horror, scott adkins, serial killer movie, stag night, stag night trailer, subway cinema, vinessa shaw

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

If you've seen Oldboy or any of Chan Wook Park's movies, you know the Korean film industry is on the cutting edge of some really jaded movies.

A little gem that came out in 2001 is Paradise Villa.

The plot is well...kinda kooky.

An MMO geek finds out that somebody has stolen his inventory and seeks vengeance on the gamer who swiped it. The gamer lives in "Paradise Villa" and our anti-hero is goes insano killing on the residents of the apartment complex, who themselves are little quirky.

Trust me, I first saw this flick on VCD (yes fuckin VCD) and it's fuckin gore-ific. Blood, splatter and knifes into neck trauma.

Good times. Track this down if you can.

Tags:
paradise villa, paradise villa trailer , korean horror , serial killer movie, chan wook park, splatter

Labels: chan wook park, Chong-won Park, korean horror, oldboy, paradise villa, paradise villa trailer, serial killer movie, splatter, splatter gore, world cup

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:02 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Schramm
Schramm (1993)

Directed by Jorg Buttgereit

If Buttgereit were still making movies today, horror sites would be clamoring for Jorg to make a serial killer movie. Well, we're glad he did. Way back in 93. And oh my, it's one hell of a sick movie.

The thing about Buttgereit is that to understand the madness of his films is to dig deep into the psychosis of insanity itself.

Wow that sounds all Freudian. But alas after watching Schramm, you'll know why they don't make horror movies like they use to.

It's nitty, it's gritty and the violence and splatter are all top notch.

Enter the psyche that is Lothar Schramm (who looks like a German George Costanza) . The movie begins with his death and through a series of flashbacks, we see that he went all serial killy before he kicked the bucket.

I can't exactly remember everything that happened in this movie but the only scene that keeps popping into my head is "NAIL IN PENIS".

Yup. Schramm hammers a nail into his penis. After seeing that for the first time, I actually said to myself: "I've never seen somebody hammer nails into his penis".

I'm shivering just thinking about it.

So let's discuss the plot-o-rama shall we? As we travel back into the mind of our serial killer, we discover Schramm is a cab driver who is totally mental. Shockingly, he makes serial killing not as cool as Dexter makes it out to be. After meeting some religious missionaries, Schramm shows us his killing ways.

See Schramm kill! (with extra spanish punk rock soundtrack)



I particularly like the ocular trauma. So graphic, so realistic. Kudos Jorg!

Schramm slowly devolves into a black whole of depravity. He meets a hooker (Monika M from Nekro 2) named Marianne who he has an attraction to. Schramm accompanies Marianne on a few of her "jobs" but as Schramm slowly realizes she's indifferent to him and his feelings. To combat this he fucks an inflatable doll and later then drugs her and masturbates on her corpse..oops...err I mean unconcious body.

Alas this is the life of Schramm. He is sick, crazy and totally depraved. Jorg obviously is reminding us that the mind of a serial killer is not easy to understand. Schramm dabbles in normaly but is a millenia away from it at the same time. Schramm is so brutally realistic, so shamelessly wicked, it's the pinnacle of all serial killer movies (with Henry: Portait of a Serial Killer being the other).

Buttgereit's visuals are all random but edgy and jam packed with disturbing gooeyness. Various Scrammy dreams contain his leg being severed in leg splitting beauty, leg braces, dentist ocular trauma, a homeless man committing gun suicide with a bullet to the brain and a VAGINA WITH YELLOW TEETH. Yes, my jaded viewers, a hairy VAGINA WITH SMOKER'S TEETH. Though all this added up to a movie that went way beyond my expectations, it's three words that can never be erased from my memory.

NAIL IN PENIS.

Thanks alot Jorg.

The Trailer:

Rating:

Tags:
movie review of the day, schramm , german horror , schramm buttgereit, 80s horror ,Jorg Buttgereit, gratuitous nudity, splatter movie, gore, serial killer

Labels: jorg buttgereit, nail in penis, ocular trauma, schramm, serial killer movie, vagina with teeth

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:23 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post