the jaded viewer

Killer Movie

Killer Movie (2008)

Directed by Jeff Fisher

[this review is brought to you by Insano Steve who is back from the dead. Check out his other reviews and features in the right hand nav bar]

So, the jaded viewer asked me to review some movies for the site. Movies that he felt were so irredeemably bad, he could not physically review himself, citing fear for his health. Seeing that I'm pretty much the trash-TV expert, I figured I'd choose to do 'Killer Movie' because of it's reality show theme. And I was also looking to see something different than the usual horror crap. I'd say my tolerance for horror is pretty thin these days. You could say my viewing has become rather jaded (hey, see what I did there ...)

OK, the real reason I wanted to see this was:

• It was on blu-ray, and I haven't watched any horror on the blu-ray yet.
• The presence of hot-ass Leighton Meester (of Gossip Girl fame) in the film.
  

Let us delve into these items individually....

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A reality TV director copes with a spoiled celebutante and a show gone haywire when a masked killer starts bumping off the crew in this slasher-movie satire.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Blu-Ray: What can I say? blu-ray is the shit. It's freaking awesome. As Ferris Bueller would say, if you have the means, I highly recommend picking one up. You really get your money's worth for your HDTV with these blu-ray movies. Now, it doesn't make the plot/acting any better mind you. But you can actually see the pores in the girl's faces when they close up! For older women, Damn, blu-ray's your worst nightmare. So, no complaints for visual quality here. Top notch.

The lovely hot-ass Leighton Meester: I've never actually watched the Gossip Girl (I guess because I'm neither 15 years old, nor female), but I've been made aware of the hotness of Leighton Meester through the interwebs. So, it was nice to actually see her 'work' (without having to hate myself later). Well, suffice it to say, her appearance is very brief, despite her name getting top billing on the blu-ray cover art. Damn you false advertising! The lovely Miss Meester is only in 2 scenes, with 1 scene just having her screaming and dying. For the first time ever, I was actually rooting for the victim. Don't kill her, she's too cute to die! Sigh. Anyhow, she is super hot. She actually looks a lot like Minka Kelly (before Derek Jeter ruined her). Hopefully she will be featured more prominently in future projects which will allow us to see more of her 'talent'

Ugh. So 10 minutes into the movie and the hot girl I'm watching the movie for is dead. Shit. What to do? I heroically pressed on and watched the other 70 minutes. The plot you say? Oh yeah, probably should have gotten to that by now. The story is about this Zack Morris-looking guy who is directing a reality show in North Dakota about a small town high school hockey team. It turns out though, as filming starts, a bunch of people in town start turning up dead (like the hot-ass Leighton Meester). The lesbian super-bitch producer decides to run with the murder angle instead of the hockey bullshit (practical decision). The subplot involves a diva actress, named Blanca Champion (played by the not quite hot Kaley Cuoco), following Zach Morris around, in an attempt to learn about directing. Predictably, Blanca ends up hating the small town and being a bitch to everyone. Yes, her name is Blanca Champion.

The crew, which somehow ends up being like 10 people, all start dying off (duh!?!?). So who did it? Do you really care? Fuck does it matter? Everybody's potentially the killer! Ooooh, the suspense! Like all horror movies like this, whoever ends up dying isn't the killer, so theoretically, the suspense should increase as we approach the awesome reveal at the end. Alas, you can probably guess who did it, if you actually gave it some thought while watching (which I didn't).

Strangely enough, there were no black characters in this. Yup, all-white cast mother fucker! That's pretty shocking in a horror movie of this ilk. No rapper turned actors here. Actually, I found it kinda refreshing. Less cliches is always a good thing. And that's coming from me. You know I love me some black movies.

Now so far, this review looks like I hated it, and from looking at IMDB, almost everybody else did. Well, the title, 'Killer Movie' is terrible. But actually, overall, this shit wasn't THAT BAD. The reason for that was, the movie never took itself seriously. The characters are all pretty self-aware. Now I know self-aware movies are all the rage and by now have become pretty played out. But here, the characters do it without appearing snarky, which I personally appreciate. We don't need a generation of Junos. This movie was short, fun, and almost completely forgettable. Aint nothing wrong with that. The ending though, is so mind-numbing stupid, it's almost offensive. However, I can probably forgive that. It's not like we're gonna see a 'Killer Movie 2' (or at least I hope not).

Alright, on to the important stuff. Gore aka (Gore-ipedia): OK, well, the visual quality, as I said before was top notch, but unfortunately, that didn't really translate to the kill scenes. This flick was filmed in 21 days, so maybe there was no time for a good gore effects guy? Too bad. What we did have was: the hot-ass Meester gets decapitated by barbed wire (awful special effect there), some girl gets table sawed, lesbian gets hung by a chain, meat clever to some guy's chest, slacker gets arm severed (laughably bad effect), other lesbian gets garden shear-ed, and some poor bastard gets his throat slit pretty good. The slasher character is lame. He wears a hoody and a Jabberwocky mask. And he runs (frequently). Ho-hum stuff mostly in this department.

T&A aka (Nude-ipedia): God damn it. Alright, so I had come to accept that the lovely Leighton Meester wouldn't get naked. But nothing? At all? Seriously? The closest we get is some bra and panties in a simulated lesbian sex scene (it sounds a lot better than it was, very PG13). The next closest we get is Leighton Meester riding an ATV (and my overactive imagination). Overall, it wasn't a great cast in terms of 'hot girls I'd appreciate seeing naked' anyway, so maybe no huge loss. But in a shit horror movie like this, you'd still hope for at least one 'strong sexual content'. I was really looking forward to seeing some spectacular blu-ray tits. I guess that will have to wait to when I review some blu-ray pornography. Of course, that will be sure to happen when jadedviewer.com switches over from horror to a harcore-XXX review format later in the year.

WTF moment: One funny ass moment that I'm sure the director was in on when they wrote it. Zack Morris-looking guy is looking for the killer in the woods (kudos for proactively trying to attack the slasher, good shit). So, Zack accidentally steps into a bear trap! His reaction? He grimaces. He acknowledges the pain. But no biggie. Mind you, he just stepped in a fucking BEAR TRAP! Instead of a massive compound fracture, he experiences some mild discomfort. Later, he is freed (off-camera), and looks just fine, thank you. Small stain on his jeans, a slight limp (like if your leg fell asleep). A BEAR TRAP! Good times. They make a great self-referential joke about it during the 'crazy credits'.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

So, in closing, Killer Movie, was for the most part, just another generic horror movie. However, for some reason, I found myself strangely enjoying it. Maybe it was the super low expectations. Or maybe, it was the 5 minutes of the lovely Meester. Or maybe, the fact that I actually found myself liking most of the characters (very rare occurrence in slashers). Whatever it was, it's the best horror movie I've seen in 2010! So, if you can get your hands on this movie for free, or via download, or if you just got $10.99 burning a hole in your pocket. Or if you have a hunger, that only a faux reality show horror comedy can satiate, then, damn it, go see Killer Movie. You could do a lot worse, ....

Rating:

1/2

Check out the trailer below.

Labels: 2009 horror dvd, 2009 horror movies, blu-ray, gore, gratuitous nudity, killer movie, leighton meester, reality tv satire, slasher films, splatter

Posted by the jaded viewer at 11:00 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

The Hills Run Red

The Hills Run Red (2009)

Directed by Dave Parker

The Hills Run Red got the hype treatment within the horror universe this year. It's premise, it's sleek grindy slasher and Sophia Monk wearing nothing should be enough to equal yayness and approval from us fans. For me, it equals more of a mix bag of donuts. Sure you get your oozing jelly filled, and your chocolate yuminess. But you also get your over done elaborate, sprinkled Boston cremes and some other exotic new flavors that catch your eye. Yeah, it looks pretty but it doesn't taste that good.

Well that's The Hills Run Red. It looks good from the outside but when you dig in, it's not as delicious as you thought it would be.

I think I've got you hungry right? Lets dig in shall we?

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A group of young horror fans go searching for a film that mysteriously vanished years ago but instead find that the demented killer from the movie is real, and he's thrilled to meet fans who will die gruesomely for his art.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

At points within the movie, I got really conflicted. I was teetering that this would be 3 spinkicks, then it dropped to 1 spinkick, then to 2 spins, then 2 and a half. I've haven't been this confused trying to rate a film in a while. I usually know exactly the rating I'm going to give during the film and by the end, it's sold. So its surprising to what I settled on for this one. But as you can see below, my string of thoughts sorta went in different directions.

Here's are my thought bubbles during the movie.

• Sophia Monk is hot
• OMG! Sophia Monk is naked...making her mega hotter
• The other female star in the movie is naked too!
• This trailer of the movie within this movie looks awesome!
• Tyler, our main character is kinda a lame, horror-core fan
• Well, Sophia Monk is naked again
• Tyler's friends are also big douches..I hope they die
• Oh oh, this is turning out to be a filmmakers go to the woods and get attacked by cannibal rednecks, then attacked by a real slasher
• Babyface, our slasher has got some top notch kill skills
• Holy shit! A women got torn in two by a tree contraption
• Hmmm. I think the fake grindhouse movie in this movie is probably better than the actual movie itself (make sense?)
• It's a gratuitous chase scene!
• WTF! Is this Saw?
• Sophia Monk is naked again...and I never get tired of looking at her.
  
• Oh man I predicted that twist 30 minutes ago
• Wow, this is lots of pretentious dialogue about movie making
• Yup, another twist...saw that one coming 15 minutes ago
• Ewwww. Babyface looks yucky
• Yeah! A scene during the credits...this will be awes....errr....well thats just dumb
  

If you've seen the movie, you'll understand exactly what I'm talking about. For peeps who haven't seen it, lets get into a review.

Tyler and his filmmaking cohorts decide to make a documentary of The Hills Run Red, a slasher film that has reached urban legend status. Seems the only remnants of the film left are a trailer, a few posters and Alexa, daughter of the director Wilson Wyler Concannon (William Sadler).

After Tyler meets Alexa (the always naked Sophia Monk), a stripper who guides the group to the locations of the movie. Joined by his GF Serena and best friend Lalo, they go off to the woods and go Blair Witching. The movie is interspliced with scenes from the unfinished grindhouse movie. The movie is about Babyface, a bumpkin schmunkin who tore up his face to something about his mom. I forget exactly how it went.

The characters are actually a little irritating to say the least with Alexa being the most interesting. Tyler is your Heather-type (from BWP) so dedicated to making his documentary, he turns down sexual relations from Alexa and his girlfriend (What the freakin fuck? I think he's gay..seriously dude?). Serena, his GF is dedicated and even at one point during the movie she seemed to go into a She-Ra, Princess of Power transformation changing into a standard Final Girl tanktop. Lalo is just victim fodder.

But it's Alexa, who creates the most memorable character in The Hills Run Red. A stripper, a drug addict and a vixen to the slickest proportions. Sophia Monk plays her character, right up to the end of the movie in a top notch, juicy sexpot sorta way. Brains and breasts as I always say.

Oddly enough, the film also becomes Skynet self aware. The characters go over rules of how to survive a "we're lost in the woods attacked by locals" horror movie and many of the film within a film references are slightly clever and a wink to the audience. There is something about finding a long lost film and the repercussions of it. Many scenes are set up where you think good guys defeat bad guys. But then you get a 360 into something else. I can't say its cool, more a little confusing.

But this new age of millennium slashers inducts Babyface into its fraternity. He's a formidable mountain man slasher who can use a variety of weapons to kill kill kill. Like Chromeskull in Laid to Rest, he's got a style and backstory that's unique. His daddy and mommy would be proud.

Parker and crew have a made a decent slasher movie that flips things upside down, fulfills your gratuitous nudity meter, got a somewhat interesting plot and has kills that will make gorehounds rejoice. It's also got some uneven twizzler twists, hipsters playing horror intellectuals and some self referencing dumbness.

So what do you got after you watch The Hills Run Red? 2 spinkicks. It's a fitting rating for a decent film that is like a bite of jelly and a bite of glazed. It may not live up to the hype its gotten but I can say I wasn't bored. American runs on blood and donuts.

Nude-ipedia

C'mon now. How many times do I gotta say Sophia Monk is 100% naked in this?
Gratuitous secondary character sex scene boobage

Gore-ipedia

Face trauma
Ax to the head
Decaps
Stomach trauma
Sliced and dice tummies
Mummified corpses
Gunshot trauma
Gut wrenching gore
Women torn in half
Various mutilation kills
Various stabbing weapon kills
Lots of head bashing

WTF moment

The twist after the twist

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

The Hills Run Red is available now on DVD via Amazon.com. I think many of the horror sites agree with my review that the movie is a mixed bag. Though some reviews have a love or hate it sorta opinion. I tried to not go into much of the plot of the movie because giving a way too much would affect your viewing.

But your reading this review because you want to know if Sophia Monk is naked in it right? So rest assured the answer is yes.

Rating:

Check out the trailer.

Labels: 2009 grindhouse movies, 2009 horror dvd, gore, gratuitous nudity, slasher films, sophie monk naked, splatter, the hills run red, the hills run red trailer

Posted by the jaded viewer at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

It's been a while since a featured some crazy Japanese splatter and gore flick. But if there is one to point out, it has to be from the mind of Kengo Kaji, who wrote Toky Gore Police (full review here). Here he wrote and directs Samurai Princess which is just more insanity and gore (with effects from Yoshihiro Nishimura) and starring Aino Kishi and Mihiro, two Japanese AV stars (thats Japanese porn stars for the uninitiated)

With porn stars in the lead...do I really need to actually give you plot? OK, see below.

When 11 of her friends are raped and murdered, leaving the Samurai Princess (adult video star Aino Kishi) the only survivor, she becomes infused with her comrades' souls. Transformed into an android, she sets out to avenge their deaths. Dai Mizuno co-stars as the princess's human partner in this Kengo Kaji-directed gore fest that features breast grenades, detachable chainsaw limbs, deadly guitar riffs and more.

Check out the trailer below. The DVD comes out November 17th.





Well now that's over with, I know you wanna see pictures of boobies right?

Labels: aino kishi, gore, japan av stars, japan av stars nude, mihiro, samurai princess, samurai princess trailer, splatter, splatter gore, tokyo gore police

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

I'm a sucker for horror movies where the plot is the search for snuff or some dastardly sick horror movie that nobody has ever seen.

But after seeing the trailer for The Hills Run Red, we may get another course in this subgenre of horror. There has been a reemergence in vintage, slasher flicks with Laid to Rest being the best of the bunch. But this flick follows the tried and true formula of hiking teenagers, gratuitous nudity, an unkillable masked slasher and tons of gore and splatter. The buzz and hype for The Hills Run Red has been maxed out with appearances by Dave Parker and Sophie Monk (who goes full frontal in THRR) at SDCC.

The hype has been shockingly positive.

Here be the plot:

The story centers on a film fanatic whose obsession with finding a complete print of an infamous slasher movie leads him and two friends into the backwoods where the film was shot. They realize too late that filming never ended -- and now they must survive a nightmarish onslaught or become part of the movie forever.

The movie comes out on DVD September 29th via Warner Premiere.

Check out the teaser trailer below.

Labels: 2009 horror dvd, 2009 horror trailers, gore, slasher films, snuff, sophie monk naked, splatter, the hills run red, the hills run red trailer

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Home Sick

Home Sick (2007)

Directed by Adam Wingard

I first heard about Adam Wingard and E.L. Katz when I first viewed Wingard's short Laura Panic. It starred this hot Scarlet Johansson lookalike Hannah Hughes and I was entrenched by the short short too short story.

So of course I IMDBed Wingard and saw he'd directed two flicks, this one and Pop Skull.

We here at the jaded viewer told you about this flick in July of last year. Well I finally got around to watching it.

It seems Home Sick went on a horror festival run and from what I've read from the horror-sphere people dug the flick tremendously. Standing at a solid 90 minutes, we've got a stallar cast of Chiller regulars. The horror queen herself, Tiffany Shepis, Bill fuckin Moseley and Tom Towles.

So what's the hyperpalooza over Home Sick. Home Sick is a macabre dream come to life, acting by actors who should not be acting and buckets and buckets of gore.

It's the splatter that stands out far above the rest of the film (other than Tiffany Shepis's perky, voloptuous breasts).

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A maniac with a suitcase full of razorblades unleashes a super human killer upon a group of kids in a small Alabama town. They must take up arms with a insane Chili enthusiast if they want to survive.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Home Sick seemed like a flick made by a group of friends/horror regulars in Jersey over the weekend while they were attending a Chiller or Fango Weekend of Horrors convention. Seemed like the director was like "Who wants to make a movie?" It just has that feel of almost video maybe this could be film sorta feel. It's extremely low budget, but the effort to please the horror-core is ever present.

A cast of horror fan minions all attend a party. Who are these fresh fodder soon to be victims?

1.) Crazy gun happy redneck (this dude is the worst actor I've ever seen)
2.) Some Munster looking kid
3.) Tiffany "looking damn gothy yummy" Shepis
4.) Hipster looking dude
5.) Final Girl girl

A man carrying a suitcase of razorblades named Mr. Suitcase (Bill Moseley) crashes the party and starts demanding to know who everybody hates. As they tell him he cuts his arms with razorblades. Who the fuck knows why but to push the non existent plot along, this initiates everybody they name to be killed.

After getting that pesky plot outta the way, all the successive scenes are set up death scenes of various people. The hated get arms cut off, intestines spillage, hacked in the head, etc.

It's the top notch, anti CGI gore that is full of hip hip hooray. The effects are brilliant and well executed by our masked demon killer. The makeup is also to be applauded. Stellar effects in both gore and splatter.

The craziest scene has gotta to be a topless Tiffany Shepis rolling around in blood, laughing evilishly. If I could put this scene in the WTF Moment Hall of Fame, I would induct it immediately.

That's the good yip for Home Sick.

What's the arghhhh?

Well aside from Shepis and Moseley and the gore, everything else falls apart. Some of the actors seem to be improvising their lines...badly. This is not Tara Reid acting bad. Or Uwe Boll acting bad. This was cardboard cut out acting bad. I really wanted Keyboard cat to play these bad actors off.

Adding to the horribleness is Tom Towles as Uncle Johnny, a crazed Confederate gun toting old redneck geezer who the remaining survivors go to for help. A scene where the group eats chili seemed to be 10 min of filler.

The flick also suffers from being so dreamlike, it's definitely entering Herschell Gordon Lewis territory. It's almost like a Gregg Araki-ish horror flick combining a bizarro world with a slasher flick.

Home Sick is slightly above any other indie horror flick as the gore and splatter are in a stratosphere of awesomness. Add in Tiffany Shepis and a creepy Bill Moseley it jump ups a few notches on the horror belt. But it's still amateurish for Wingard's first feature which brings this flick down to Earth.

Experimentism in my horror I can take to a point. But overall, it's worth a look for the inner gorehound in you.

Gore-ipedia

Knife to the mouth
Sliced feet trauma
Ax to the head trauma
Heavy intestine trauma
Fingernail trauma
Split body trauma
Beheadings (x2)
Shotgun blast to the stomach trauma
Gunshot to the head trauma
Punch to the face trauma
Shotgun blast to the head trauma

Nude-ipedia

Tiffany Shepis A+ Boobs

WTF moment

More Tiffany Shepis giggling, vomiting and rolling around in blood....naked.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Wingard would follow up with Pop Skull which according to some is hit or miss. I wouldn't mind if Laura Panic turned up as his next feature. For Home Sick, if you get into the mindset that your watching this at a Chiller convention with other horror fanatics, you'll dig it. You'll need a few beers in you to get some laughs but it's been a while since I rewound some death scenes for multiple viewings.

Synapse films is distributing the DVD with a bunch of extras and some shorts.

Rating:

Check out the trailer.











Tags:
home sick, home sick review , home sick trailer , synapse films, gratuitous nudity, tiffany shepis naked, 2008 horror movies, top gore splatter movies,horror movie 2008, zombies,

Labels: gore, home sick, home sick review, home sick trailer, splatter, tiffany shepis, tiffany shepis naked

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Sometimes you can watch a trailer and not think anything of it. Perusing Terrorfeed, I scanned a trailer for Babysitter Wanted. It seem like your run of the mill slash and dash but I did more research as it stars the hot Sarah Thompson (she was Eve on Angel) and it has Nana Visitor (Kira Nerys! from Star Trek: DS9) as well as Bill fuckin Moseley.

Shockingly, from all the reviews I glanced at the horrorsphere is claiming this is an actually rockstar horror of a movie. Hmmmm....now I'm going to have to watch this. Check out the trailer below.





Doesn't seem just blah? Check back for a review in a few days.

Labels: 2008 horror dvd, 2009 horror trailers, babysitter wanted, babysitter wanted trailer, bill moseley, gore, nana visitor, sarah thompson, slasher films, splatter

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

It's been a weird week this week. I've been lacking time to review anything though I did receive something in the mail today that made me laugh. I'll probably detail that next week. In the mean time, for the rest of the week I'll be posting some trailers you may have missed via the horror grapevine.

First up, Yoroi: Samurai Zombie trailer.

Directed by Tak Sakaguchi and written by Versus/Azumi/Midnight Meat Train director Ryûhei Kitamura this is one hell of a flick.

A family, a bunch of crooks and cops and the undead. Has that Versus-feel would gratuitous arterial spraying.

And monsters!

What's not to love.

Check out the trailer below.





It will be premiering at the New York Asian film festival this June. Thanks to Fangoria for the heads up.

Labels: arterial spraying, gore, ryuhei kitamura, splatter, splatter gore, versus, yoroi samurai zombie, yoroi samurai zombie trailer, zombies

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Laid to Rest

Laid to Rest (2009)

Directed by Robert Hall

Welcome to Chromeskull's world.

Our new slasher on the block Chromeskull will be remembered for his style, his knife and his damn sicko looking mask.

Laid to Rest is the best techno slasher movie of the 21st century. If Hatchet was old school American horror, Laid to Rest is new school American horror.

What Robert Hall has created here is purely an homage to all the slashers films that have come before. It's also a pure millenium based slasher film that is so sly and witty and full of top notch splatter and gore we all need to give him a standing O.

Laid to Rest should be seen if you call yourself a horror fan. It's easily one of the best horror movies of 2009.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A terrifying story of a young girl who wakes up in a casket with a traumatic head injury and no memory of her identity. She quickly realizes she was abducted by a Deranged Serial Murderer and in an isolated rural town she must survive the night and outsmart the technologically inclined killer who is hellbent on finishing what he started.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

As always, we here at the jaded viewer go through our "what makes a good slasher movie" list.

Does Laid to Rest achieve everything on this list?

1.) Is there a mysterious, insanely strong, ridiculed as a child, deformed, inbred redneck slasher?

Don't know if he was ridiculed as a child, is inbred or a redneck. But he is mysterious and he is fucking strong. Chromeskull is like a Patrick Bateman carbon copy. Clean black suit, a haliburton case full of of your standard slasher supplies, an advanced shoulder strapped HD cam and a damn scary, intimidating mask made out of chrome. Oh and he's got a wicked knife.

CHECK!

2.) Gratuitous, over the top, super fleshy nudity (with Grade A boobage)?

Sorta check. Some boobage but without the full or partial frontal nudity

3.) Stereotypical teenage caricatures who die gruesome and horrific over the top deaths?

Sorta check. Sorta? What do I mean? Here are a list of our characters.

1.) A big breasted final girl (who has no name and is referred to as THE GIRL)
2.) A rough and kick ass local
3.) A nerdy momma's boy geek
4.) 2 stereotypical teenagers (one is Thomas Dekker from Sarah Connor Chronicles!)
5.) A bunch of victim fodder (includes Lena Heady from Sarah Connor Chronicles!)

4.) No Plot?

Check.

5.) Kills by our slasher that make you go "Fuck yeah!"

Check. So many I was going fuck yeah this is fuckin awesome.

6.) Gore, lots of it. Like serious decapitation, dismemberment, impalement, frenzy steroid rages and blood shooting out at various penetration wounds, limbs a flailing and mindless splatter and mayhem

Check. Laid to Rest has the most creative kills I've seen in quite a while. The special effects and makeup department did a fuckin awesome job.

Here is your Gore-ipedia. These may sound vague and cliched but when seen they are brilliantly executed to perfection.

1.) Metal pole to the stomach
2.) Knife to the head
3.) Knife to the jaw and slashed up face trauma
4.) Knife slashing stomach intenstine spewage
5.) Shotgun to the head
6.) Head explosion thru car product
7.) Slashed throat (x2!)
8.) Face melting trauma

These were such great kills, all done wickedly by Chromeskull. His technique, just utterly flawless.

7.) Geeky leader who takes charge of the hapless group as they try to escape who befriends a hot girl who knows about the "legend" (there's always a legend no one believes)

Check. Geeky leader doesn't take charge but finds out about the legend via the interweb.

8.) Funny yet ill timed dialogue but also various quips and one liners that are funny only the first time around (yet somehow funny again when you buy the DVD and only when you're stoned)

Check.

9.) Final girl goes all final girly?

Check.

10.) Wildly ambigious ending that can be used to warrant a sequel?

Sorta check. Ending seems to warrant an actual ending. But who knows.

Nude-ipedia

Nada

WTF moment

Chromeskull removes his mask (you'll see)

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Laid to Rest was directed by Robert Hall who is a legend in the special effects world with his company Almost Human. He worked on Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles hence why Lena Heady and Thomas Dekker make extensive cameos in this film. He even knows Jonathan Schaech who almost makes a cameo. Bobbie Sue Luther who plays The Girl is Hall's wife.

Why is Laid to Rest one of the best horror movies this year?

Hall avoids all the stupid shit that's invaded horror of late. It's not a fuckin remake. It's not torture porn. It's not something supernatural. We never find out why Chromeskull kills (because no motivation is better) Chromeskull doesn't talk. Chromeskull techs up and texts and cams his terror and he has a fuckin awesome-rific mask.

That's not to say this little slasher film doesn't fall victim to what slasher films are known for. Bad acting, BIG, HUGE plot holes, and total lack of logic.

But fuck logic.

When Chromeskull is taking care of business, you'll be throwing that logic out the window.

Rating:

Check out the Red Band HD trailer.








Tags:
laid to rest, laid to rest red band trailer , american horror , serial killer movies, gratuitous nudity, lena headey, laid to rest review, horror movies 2009,

Labels: chromeskull, horror movies 2009, laid to rest, laid to rest review, laid to rest trailer, lena headey, serial killer movie, splatter, splatter gore, thomas dekker

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Martyrs

Martyrs (2008)

Directed by Pascal Laugier

Well that wasn't what I was expecting.

After avoiding all the reviews and hype, I figured this was a classic run of the mill torture porn but taken to the ultimate extreme.

Boy was I wrong.

Martyrs has sort of created a new subgenre of horror. Uber-surreal torture-core.

Yeah I know what your saying. What the fuck is that?
Dude, I don't even know. But I can say this. This isn't torture porn like Saw or Hostel or any of the other "kill for the fun of it" horror.

It's a twisblended hybrid of the Argentoism, pure unrelenting grindy torture-core and horror taken to a transcendent level.

That's not to say I didn't have my gripes. It's almost pointless at times until you get to the end and figure what the whole thing is about. For 100 minutes, if you take the visceral challenge, you may have been a martyr yourself to a first. Uber-surreal torture-core horror.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

France. A night at the beginning of the 1970s.

Lucie, a little girl missing for over a year, is discovered wandering by the side of a country road.

Near catatonic, she can say nothing about what has happened to her. The cops quickly find the place in which she's been incarcerated - a disused slaughterhouse. Every indication is that she never once left the empty, freezing room in which she was imprisoned.

Filthy, starving, dehydrated, the child's body nonetheless bears no traces of sexual abuse - this was no paedophile abduction, but something far stranger.

What happened in that icy room? And how did Lucie escape?

Lucie is hospitalized - slowly she learns how to live again, an enfant sauvage gradually returning to the real world. In the hospital, she meets Anna, another little girl, and a victim of terrible abuse at the hands of her family. In no time, they are inseparable. Anna takes charge of Lucie, like a mother. As for her kidnappers, the police are at a dead end. Lucie's ordeal remains a terrible mystery.

One night, as Anna sleeps, Lucie hears an awful, rasping breathing. A vision appears: a body, naked, skeletal, tortured. Barely human. The apparition seizes her...

15 years later. A house, isolated in the middle of a forest. A family: Mum, Dad, two kids. A happy home. As they eat breakfast, there's a knock at the door. The father opens it to find a young woman, hollow-eyed and wraithlike and mad. In her hands, a rifle. "Remember the little girl I once was?" She shoots him where he stands, enters the house, and locks the door...

Minutes later, the family lie bloody. All dead. Lucie calls Anna, who tells her not to move, she'll be right there. In shock, Lucie hangs up. And then she hears it. That terrible, terribly familiar breathing...

Awesome Review-O-Matic

If you've seen Inside or Frontiere(s) or even Haute Tension, you know the French may be squeamish when it comes to war but not in their horror movies.

It be best to break this down like Kool Aid minutes. "Oh Yeah!"

!!!SPOILERS BELOW!!!

The first 35......

The movie starts off in pure insanity as we see a teen Lucie escape from her abductors. We see a childhood friendship develop between the victimized Lucie and her new BFF Anna.It seems our baddies haven't been caught by the cops and poor Lucie is having nightmares of the monsters she left behind.

Fast forward to 15 years later and our French girls are now French foxes. And BOOM! like a mushroom cloud we get carnage. Lucie believes she's found those mofo's that tortured her.

Lucie is blasting Dad, mom, Peter Brady and Jan to kingdom come with a freakin shotgun. It's insane first few minutes.

I've never seen such bloody crassness in a while. Lucie goes all child-a-cide killing little swimmer Jan. It's so brutal, you may feel sick. But this is the new wave, and the Rottweiler French horror has gone postal. The beginning is pure mystery, Scooby Doo-ey in a way. Questions are raised. Who abducted and tortured poor Lucie? Is she sure this normal Brady bunch family did it? What is this thing chasing after her?

The next 35........

As Lucie gets bombarded by her dreammares, she starts to self mutilate herself. She starts to slice her arms, back and hand via figments of her torture-verse. Meanwhile, Anna starts to doubt Lucie's saneness and starts to Reservoir Dogs the mess thats been made by cleaning up bodies and calming Lucie the fuck down.

But Lucie has gone cuckoo and slits her throat.

Later, have a brief mourn Anna finds a hidden compartment and works her way down to a lab of horrors. She finds a deprived, almost corpselike body of a woman who she attempts to heal. But shits too late for her.

These scenes are like Lynchian and surreal blocks of fuckedupness. The woman is naked and scarred and has a device that has been nailed to her head that blinds her. It's almost like a death piece of art. The one thing most people have agreed upon is that it's breathtaking to see these images on screen. Nothing, and I mean nothing will prepare you for this level of sheer horror.

But I've always said, if I have not seen it before, that's a plus. And if it works within the boundaries of the film, then the amplification goes off the scale.

This all comes crashing down as our poor medievaled victim is blown away by the abductors.

The last 35........

Now Anna is told the experiment into martyrdom by an old lady. It seems the religious are not the only ones to experience the world of martyrdom.

And so begins the torture-core of Anna. It's by far a very difficult thing to watch. Almost bordering on the rape scene in Irreversible.

Anna is fed what looks to be pea soup, beaten constantly, forced to expel her self via a bucket and her head is shaved.

These constant fade ins and outs of Anna's torture are sick to the gut. If one can watch these 20 or so minutes, it's like a running a marathon of horror-core.

Though, how does one survive within the world of this film. She's lets herself go and accepts her fate. This is then leads to her torturers to skin her entire body except her face.

And in this act of letting go, she is the 4th to experience what the movie is about......

Seeing what lies after death.

Because as we are told, Martyr means to witness and that is what Anna becomes.

The thing about every torture porn like flick is you feel super duper empathy towards the victim. Every fiber in your being hopes the victim will go all Kill Bill and somehow escape and kill off the sicko killers. I had that inkling too. Maybe she would kill off these fucked up people and escape.

But that never happens....and seriously that's a good thing.

The whole point of Martyrs is to flip that shit upside down. The big bad evil at the end seems to have a religiously and scientific (sorta) reason of why they are doing this. It's not rich people or some old guy spewing out a "live your life" philosophy. Jigsaw is just evil and so are the wealthy Madoffs.

This world within Martyrs has cult like normals wanting to know what lay beyond. Does the end results justify the means?

Oh believe me, I still want all those people to get tortured and Abu Gharabed, but its almost Argento-y in a way where this insanity is logical.

This film isn't without its negatives. It paces way to long and drags and drags. It also destroys all logic (where the fuck are the police?) But the biggest gripe comes in that the torture that Lucie, Anna and the other victims go through seems pointless until the end. And even the revelation that this is an experiment into martyrdom and what lays beyond death is almost bordering on just being plain stupid.

Shit dude, this was the plot of Flatliners!

But it is a film thats spawned a new subgenre. Uber-surreal torture-core horror.

And that's an accomplishment.

Gore-ipedia

Shotgun blasts
Sliced arms
Shotgun blast to the head
Corpse walking art
LOTS AND LOTS of torture
Skinned alive

Nude-ipedia

I'm going to have to say tortured victim nudity doesn't count
Brief boobies from Anna

WTF moment

A skinned Anna witnessing

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Martyrs is not as good as Inside which to me for now is the pinnacle of all that is French horror. But its new progeny Martyrs, it's as good as advertised.

Be warned, it's not a movie with any semblance of plot, or an in depth look into characterology or any sort of "horror" kills.

It's something new and that should be something we all need to witness.

Rating:

Trailer:













Tags:
martys, martys trailer , martys official trailer , martys teaser trailer, french horror, inside, frontiere(s), gratuitous nudity, top horror movie 2008, cannes film festival, alexjando aja, horror blog

Labels: french film, french horror, gore, inside, martyrs, martyrs official trailer, martyrs review, splatter, splatter gore, torture porn

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

I'm picking Vampire Girl in 7 death matches. Wow now that's a fuckin trailer. Give it up to the Japanese who made the subgenre of arterial/splatter gore films into a blockbuster juggernaut.

All this is brought you by Yoshihiro Nishimura, the man who brought us Tokyo Gore Police which I gave a stellar 4 spinkicks too.

Thanks to Twitch for the heads up.

Check out the trailer below.

Labels: arterial spraying, gore, japanese exploitation, japanese gore, japanese horror, splatter, tokyo gore police, vampire girl vs frankenstein girl, vampire girl vs frankenstein girl trailer

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

[We're going to the vault for some rewind reviews. I've got two short ones for you courtesy of Insano Steve's warped mind. The infamous Guinea Pig series. Nothing gloriously long or in depth. Just a tidbit of the grossness and utter disgusting of what appeared. Enjoy!]

Guinea Pig: Devil's Experiment

Za ginipiggu: Akuma no jikken

Directed by ???

Pseudo-snuff film is missing any semblance of plot. The horror equivalent of a gonzo porno.

Woman endures torture from multiple assailants. Torture includes slapping, kicking, plier amputations, severe noise, chair spinning, Indian rope burns, hot oil burning, maggot eating, and the absolute ultimate in eye trauma.

Basically, this lady gets fucked up in much the way you'd expect in a snuff film, if such thing existed. There's a counter displaying the quantities and qualitites of her pain.

Has already inspired some psycho in Japan (of course) to emulate the film in his real life murders. Perhaps the sickest movie ever made though it's kind of a stretch to call this a movie.

So fucking depraved, you'd never forgive yourself if you miss this.

HIGHEST RECOMMENDATION.

Guinea Pig: Mermaid in the Manhole

Za ginipiggu 4: Manhoru no naka no ningyo

Directed by Hideshi Hino

Lonely artist gets inspiration for his latest work in a sewer where he finds a pus-spewing dying mermaid and takes her back to his bathtub.

Surprising enough, he doesn't rape her but instead draws her using her multicolored pus so ass tobest captures the theme of his painting. Luckily for him, mermaid girl is spewing pus from every orifice (this girl has a lot of pus!!!)

Twisted as fuck tale is something like a Twilight Zone Japanese style which is to say it's really wierd and extra extra fucked up.

Allegory to man's imbalance with nature but mostly the story of a girl and her pus. Artistic gore at it's finest.

What's a review without pictures!





Check out the trailers here.

Labels: gore, Guinea Pig review, Guinea Pig: Devil's Experiment, Guinea Pig: Mermaid in the Manhole, japanese exploitation, japanese horror, splatter, splatter gore

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

We here at the jaded viewer love ultraviolent gorefests from Japan. So when I heard there was another crazy martial arts gore-a-thon coming soon, I was intrigued.

In the awesomeness of flicks like The Machine Girl and Tokyo Gore Police comes double trouble in the form of Hard Revenge, Milly. This flick and it's a sequel Hard Revenge, Milly: Blood Battle are the work of Takanori Tsujimoto.

From the trailers below, they are as bloody fuckin bloody as advertised.

Simply it's ULTRA VIOLENCE JAPANESE MOVIE

What more do you need?

Hard Revenge, Milly Trailer





Hard Revenge, Milly Trailer: Bloody Battle





Thanks to Twitch and Nippon Cinema. Go to those sites for more info.

Labels: gore, hard revenge, hard revenge milly: bloody battle, milly, splatter, the machine girl, tokyo gore police, top gore movies, top splatter movies, ultraviolent japanese action movie

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Dismal: Eat or Be Eaten

Dismal: Eat or Be Eaten (2008)

Directed by Gary King

What kind of rating do you give to a movie that falls into it's so bad, it's good enough to be MST3K-ed and thus makes it funny enough to watch?

1 and half spinkicks? 2 spins? 2 and half?

Because that's how I felt about how I had to rate Dismal.

You'll see what I gave it at the end of this review.

Dismal: Eat or be Eaten is like a Dharma Initiative can labeled "HORROR MOVIE (WITH EXTRA CANNIBALS)".

It's so cliched, so generic, so assembly line produced, that it would have been tossed into the used DVD bin and be lost forever. Thank goodness the DVD I got was free.

Dismal is mix of Hatchet and the Hills Have Eyes. You've seen it all before. If it looks and tastes like canned peas. It's fuckin peas.

But what happens when instead of you seeing all green peas, they made some red peas, or blue peas or yellow peas. Wouldn't you chuckle just a little bit? Seeing M&M peas would make laugh.

And that's why as I watched I went all Tom Servo and Crow on this mess of a flick and it actually made this hilariously decent.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

What does a girl have to do to pass science class? Stay alive!

Dana can’t afford to fail, so she goes on a field trip with other college students
to the Great Dismal Swamp. While Dana and her tasty friends are looking for extra credit, terrifying swamp cannibals are looking for dinner.

Eat or be eaten!

Horror is served hot and steamy with a side order of sick in DISMAL.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

The simple cliched review is to do the pun on words and say Dismal was absolutely dismal. But it actually wasn't. The production value is highly low but the film itself was filled with some nice visuals, hot looking hotties and some mean looking makeup effects.

The CGI special effects on the other hand were hilariously bad. So bad I was cracking up at the sight of them. But we'll get to that in sec.

So for this review, we'll use the checklist I used for my review of Hatchet.

Below is a list of what we here at the jaded viewer deem as full of chunky gooeyness when it comes to the ingredients of a solid slasher-palooza.

Does Dismal achieve everything on this list?

1.) A mysterious, insanely strong, ridiculed as a child, deformed, inbred redneck slasher.

Check. (plus he has a undercover papa whose equally fucked up)

2.) Gratuitous, over the top, super fleshy nudity (with Grade A boobage)?

Check.

3.) Stereotypical teenage caricatures who die gruesome and horrific over the top deaths?

Check.

3a.) Are you telling me there's a brunette kick ass final girl, a blonde bimbo, a nerdy kid, a slutty whore and a token black guy?

Yes. I mean check.

4.) No Plot?

Check.

5.) Kills by our slasher that make you go "Fuck yeah!"

Semi check. (Well they didn't make me go "Fuck yeah", more like "HAHAHAHAHHA. That's fuckin funny")

6.) Gore, lots of it. Like serious decapitation, dismemberment, impalement, hatchet frenzy steroid rages and blood shooting out at various penetration wounds, limbs a flailing and mindless splatter and mayhem

Semi check.

OK here is where the death scenes become uber ridiculous as most of our kills are done with really bad CGI. I mean these were done on like Windows 98 using Paint.

1.) Token black guy gets "hooked" in the mouth.
2.) Slutty whore gets her feet "bear trapped" off (yet she doesn't scream?) and then gets her face bear trapped.
3.) Blonde bimbo gets steel wired sliced in half (the CGI on this is soooooo fuckin bad that I was literally on the floor laughing uncontrollably)
4.) Nerdy guy gets his arm cut off

7.) Geeky leader who takes charge of the hapless group as they try to escape who befriends a hot girl who knows about the "legend" (there's always a legend no one believes)

Semi check. (Hot girl actually doesn't know about the legend)

8.) Funny yet ill timed dialogue but also various quips and one liners that are funny only the first time around (yet somehow funny again when you buy the DVD and only when you're stoned)

Check. (But this movie is probably way awesomer when your stoned)

9.) Final girl goes all final girly?

Check.

10.) Wildly ambigious ending that can be used to warrant a sequel?

Check.

As I keep saying it's all generic. You know, couple has sex, they die. A run and trip girl gets caught in a highly complicated trap that no way a inbred redneck could possibly devise and dies. Random twist inserted for no reason whatsover.

I did mention the CGI was hilariously bad right? There are two scenes that make this milk coming out of your nose funny. One is a shotgun blast by our final girl where you see CGI blood oozing out from the fake CGI hole of our would be redneck slasher. The other scene is a supposed explosion of a cabin. The CGI fire and explosion look so fake, it's like they put a lighter in front of the camera.

But the filmmakers had to know it would look cheesy. So I'm gonna take it as such. And this is why Dismal will get 2 spinkicks. 1 spinkick for following generic slasher cliches with gratuitous nudity and 1 spinkick for the extra, would you like more Velveeta cheesy CGI effects.

Dismal is Hatchet's handicapped little brother who has a speech impediment. It does what it set out to do. Be funny, entertaining and outright ridiculous.

And peas, even deformed, colorful M&M peas taste good.

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

Token black guy gets "hooked" in the mouth
Slutty whore gets her feet "bear trapped" off and then gets her face bear trapped
Blonde bimbo gets steel wired sliced in half
Nerdy guy gets his arm cut off
Horrible CGI gunshot to the stomach
Burnt beyond recog
Slice and stab
Human Heart
Wooden spike death

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)

Slutty whore boobs and ass
Lots of belly skin

WTF moment

The really fake looking slice and dice death scene of blonde bimbo

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

This is not a good movie by any means. But what happens when the movie is so bad, that you start to enjoy it because it's unintentionally funny. The "It's so bad, it's good" category of horror movies is very hard to rate. The first one that comes to mind is Snakes on a Plane which I ranked as #7 on my Top Horror Movies of 2006.

So after much thought, Dismal warrants 2 spinkicks. It's too bad MSt3K is gone and couldn't get their hands on this flick. Tom Servo and Crow would have a total field day on Dismal.

Rating:

The Trailer





Tags:
dismal, dismal trailer , dismal review , horror movies of 2008, dismal eat or be eaten, dismal eat or be eaten review, fearmakers, bloody violence, top gore movies, slasher movies,gratuitous nudity,

Labels: american horror, dismal eat or be eaten, dismal review, dismal trailer, gore, gratuitous nudity, hatchet, slasher films, splatter, splatter gore

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Darkness

Darkness (1993)

Directed by Leif Jonker

[review was originally at Aylmer's Grisly Grimey Page of Unspeakable Horror, circa 1999]

Darkness has a tagline "Even the dead will scream". For the people who've watched this film it should go "The Alive will laugh". Darkness is a low budget, amateurish vampire gorefest by Leif Jonkers. So with a name like that you'd expect it to be good.

It's not all that bad if you view it under the constraints and guidelines of horror-core. (The state in which all horror movies that gross you out should be viewed under). The opening scene has a guy getting his head blown off in a convenience store and a trench coat mafia wannabe taking the helm as he leads some bewildered kids against the killer vampires.

One scene has a chainsaw frenzy in which various vampires lose limbs at 2 seconds at a time. However when the story gets in the way of the gore you're just asking for some negative feedback. The movie is mostly made of kids running away, vampires catching up and getting messy with art supply red paint and Hines ketchup and showing what horror core movies can do to the unsuspecting low tolerance movie goer. You do need a stomach to view the film but it's nothing a beer and a Dominoes pizza can't fix.

The final scene has an army of vampires march into the sun and melt away, topping off the bloody and seemingly never ending gruesome destruction of the vamps.

Throughout the film I was guessing which hero or vampire was Leif Jonkers. Vampires in the mid western states may sound outrageous but it goes to show you sick minds everywhere are selling their souls to make a decent horror-core movies.

Rating: [out of 4]


The Trailer





Tags:
darkness, darkness leif jonker , darkness leif jonker review , top horror movies 1990s, leif jonker, bloody violence, top gore movies, top splatter movies,

Labels: darkness, darkness review, gore, leif jonker, leif jonker darkness, splatter, splatter gore, vampires

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Tokyo Gore Police

Tokyo Gore Police aka Tôkyô zankoku keisatsu (2008)

Directed by Yoshihiro Nishimura

I made a mistake. The Machine Girl ended up as #7 on my Top 10 Horror Movies of 2008. Tokyo Gore Police should be there instead.

Actually it should probably be in the top 5. But alas, what's done is done. I can't go ahead and change the list. I mean I'm one of those people that once its posted, its set in stone.

Let's just have TGP and Machine Girl as co-#7's. Cool?

I'm giving TGP 4 fuckin spinkicks. It's 100 times more awesomer than The Machine Girl even taking a crack at it during the movie.

I went into seeing TGP as maybe another Machine Girl. But my expectations were blown away (like many heads). This is the Japanese equivalant of Hong Kong's the Story of Riki Oh, filled with the splatter and gore so over the top, so gushingly gratuitous, so arterial spraying magnificent that one can only wonder if this will EVER be topped.

It works on so many levels. We've got Ruka the hot police officer killing some mutant ass, a plot that actually made sense and the title definitely living up to the flick.

My thing is I've seen the Ichi, Machine Girl, Tetsuo and other crazy Japanese cinema. I'm as jaded as they come when it comes to the Japanese underground flicks. So when I say I was thrilled by everything in TGP, seeing more totally weird and fucked up shit every few minutes, it's saying something.

It's saying this was insanely insane with an atomic bomb of insanity.

Good times.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

Set in a future-world vision of Tokyo where the police have been privatized and bitter self-mutilation is so casual that advertising is often specially geared to the "cutter" demographic, this is the story of samurai-sword-wielding Ruka and her mission to avenge her father's assassination. Ruka is a cop from a squad who's mission is to destroy homicidal mutant humans known as "engineers" possessing the ability to transform any injury to a weapon in and of itself.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Tokyo Gore Police will draw comparisons to Robocop. Both have the central plot points of a police that has been privatized and a criminal element that has taken over the city. Also, TGP squeezes in some hilarious "pro" Tokyo Police Corporation PSA's and commercials.

These include Toky Police Corporation PSA, Wrist Cutter G commercial, Samurai Sword "It Cuts!" commercial, a torture Wii parody commercial and a student recruitment video.

All show up randomly throughout the flick and are great ha ha's during the 110 minute gorefest.

Ruka (Audition's Eihi Shiina) is our beautiful, sexy, wristcutting cop whose job is to track down "engineers", mutant humans who once they get sliced or diced regenerate the missing limb into a bioweapon.

And people do lose limbage. Part of the joy was to see what weapon their missing appendage would regenerate into. The prosthetics and home grown rubbery latex may be cheesy, but I'll take that over CGI any day.

The movie follows Ruka as she eliminates these engineers eventually leading her to battle the leader called"The Keyman". The Keyman is key (sorry I couldn't resist) to the plot of who our true mastermind behind the mayhem is.

In a nod to Kill Bill, the keyman explains the real deal through comic storyboards. It's a clever way to reveal the motives and get that pesky plot out of the way so we can get to more splatter.

But lets face it, it's the gore and splatter than dominate. TGP is non stop. I mean freakin non stop when it comes to scenes of arterial spraying, sword slicing and blood on the lens. It's so frenetic that every scene was pure, magnificent Grade A carnage. And the splatter wasn't just a slice and dice every time. Each bloodletting was a little different, a little unique from the others.

Each scene was a carefully constructed artistic piece of splatter and gore. A gunshot blasting open a head, a chainsaw to the face, sword play cutting a body in two, a metal pole thru the mouth and in one glorious piece of gore-ific cinema, Ruka cuts a subway groper's hands with her sword and his arms arterial spray in Matrix-like slo mo as Ruka walks away, under umbrella as it rains blood.

So awesome. So fuckin awesome.

And it keeps going. More scenes of wickedness. We see a brothel full of freaky hookers. All are engineers and all are mutantly delicious. I was hoping the 3 breasted hooker from Total Recall was there. This concludes in a golden shower of epic proportions.

Un-fuckin-believable.

Later, we view a penis gets ripped off, leading to a geyser of blood. A prostitute gets gunned down and regenerates her lower half into a croc like mouth. A cop turned engineer develops a "money shot" mutant cock.

Need I say more?

Yes? OK I'll keep going.

The corporate police, go all police statey and wreak havoc on every citizen. Innocent civs are gunned down and Ruka's bartender friend gets ripped apart medieval style. There is even an homage to The Machine Girl during a fight scene between a rogue policewoman and a Sailor Moon uniformed engineer schoolgirl.

So fuckin cool.

The ending has more limbs, flying fists and concludes with some rocket flying arterial spraying.
Just fitting to a movie that went into the stratosphere of gore movies.

Tokyo Gore Police is a little long, but there isn't any lull in the entire movie. It's one non stop splatter scene after another. Honestly, what movie can claim that?

I have the poster hanging right above my computer, having grabbed it at the NY Comic Con. And it was always on the back of my mind to watch it. I can't believe it took me this long to see this gore-tastic movie.

There is a point where you get in the mood to see a mindless manga come to life. When you enjoy watching real life NC - 17 cartoony violence. Ichi the Killer and Kill Bill use arterial spraying to fit its universe, but movies like The Machine Girl and TGP make arterial spraying and gore the norm.

This could only come from Japan, where the crazy is the norm. I can only imagine if I ever visited Japan that while looking at ladies panties in a vending machine, some dude gets his arm sliced off and arterial sprays an ocean all over the place. I'd scream out "Oh shit!, This stuff happens for real here!"

But I'd probably be too busy playing that torture Wii game.

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

So much to list it would take too long. Most of the good shit is what I wrote in the review.

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)

Mutant boobies

WTF moment

The torture Wii game
Slo Mo arterial spraying subway molester punishment

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Some fun facts. Yoshihiro Nishimura did all the makeup and special effects for The Machine Girl, Sukeban Boy, Meatball Machine and Suicide Circle.

As the credits roll, keep watching. There's even a proclamation of "More Gore Coming Soon!".

You really have to be in the right frame of mind to see continuous arterial spraying, blood, gore and splatter. But once you are, this movie will hit all the pleasure centers of every gorehound's brain.

Tokyo Gore Police is artistic gore at its finest, a frenzy of weirdness and carnage that is a testament to this new subgenre of mutant weapon appendages.

This is a millennial cult classic that will only be topped by Nishimura's next splatterfest.

Rating:

The Trailer





Tags:
tokyo gore police, tokyo gore police trailer , tokyo gore police review , top horror movies of 2008, takashi miike, tokyo shock, Eihi Shiina, bloody violence, top gore movies, top splatter movies,

Labels: gore, japanese horror, splatter, splatter gore, tokyo gore police, tokyo gore police review, tokyo gore police trailer, tokyo shock, top gore movies, top splatter movies

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

It seems as an extra in the Tokyo Shock DVD of The Machine Girl (which you can read my review here) we get an uber lower budget sequel to Noburu Iguchi's now cult classic, viral trailer splatterfest

Who would have thought you could make a sequel to that insanity?

Hajirai (or Shyness) Machine Girl seems more outrageous than its original parent. Arterial decaps, machine gun ass and Yakuza with nails in his head.

Makes me think of the STV Ichi the Killer ripoffs that followed after Takashi Miike's landmark flick.

Check out the trailer.





Tags:
the machine girl, the machine girl review , Minase Yashiro , The Hajirai Machine Girl, gore splatter drill bra, ninja yakuza hattori hanzo, The Hajirai Machine Girl , bloody violence,

Labels: gore, Kataude mashin gâru, Noburu Iguchi, Revenge movie, splatter, the hajirai machine girl, the hajirai machine girl trailer, the machine girl, the machine girl review, tokyo shock

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Dard Divorce

Dard Divorce (2007)

Directed by Olaf Ittenbach

Before Uwe Boll made the words German + Director + Movie = an untouchable, horrible combination, there were a few awesome German directors that revolutionized the gore/splatter films of the 80s and 90s.

The trio of Jorg Buttgereit, Andreas Schnaas and Olaf Ittenbach were the masters of German horror.

Buttgereit is now irrelevant, Schnaas is still around having teamed with Troma for Nikos the Impaler but it's Olaf Ittenbach who has made the straight to DVD gorefest his playground. Call it gore-emax.

Since Ittenbach's gore masterpiece Premutos, he's regurgitated some awesome gore-a-paloozas but always with bad acting, a stupid plot and horrible editing and sound mixing. Mind you he's been the special effects guy for most of Boll's films so if he's been getting advice from Uwe, it's been SARS like. So infectious that it makes most of Ittenbach's films almost unwatchable.

I said almost.

Because you can't discount the gore factor. I've said it before, just like nudity, gore alone can't save a movie, no matter how good the splatter is.

Gratuitous nudity, splatter and gore and plot/acting/ending all have to be in sync for a good horror movie. 1 out of 3 ain't gonna cut it.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

What started with a routine divorce between Natalie Stein and her husband Tim, will soon take a turn into the unexpected and evolve into scenes of torture, bloodshed and slaughter.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

If you said to me what if Olaf Ittenbach made a torture porn movie I would have been fuckin excited. The torture and gore would be over the top and unbelievably bloody and realistic.

The only problem with Ittenbach doing torture porn is there is no plot in torture porn. The fact Ittenbach writes horrible scripts makes it more aggravating. He also casts people who can't act. I mean really can't act. I think he puts in his FX crew as actors. I'm serious.

C'mon Olaf, there's gotta be Nazi gold money to hire some real actors.

Natalie (played by Olaf's wife, Martina) is our main goody two shoes. Her German accent is so thick, one can barely understand the Germ-glish that she's trying to dialogue out. Why narrate a movie when we can barely understand it. It sounded like a McD's drive thru.

Ittenbach's plot is all over the place. It tries to be all Rashomon with some Pulp Fiction thrown in regarding some missing cocaine and a million dollars. But really, this is torture porn so let's just descrube the gore/splatter torture scenes.

1.) Pimp Hitman vs Natalie

Highlights include:


-Repeated punches to the face
-Finger slicing
-Toe slicing
-Glass shrapnel dicing

Flashback highlights include:

-Chainsaw child-a-cide (extra awesomeness!)

2.) Daniel vs Natalie

Highlights include:

-Daniel goes full frontal and dismembers a body
-Head decaps
-Arms and Legs decaps
-Torso decaps
-Ankle decaps
-Head decaps (via torture)
-Ocular trauma
-Hammer arm trauma
-Needle in the eye trauma
-Multiple OJ like stabbings

Flashback highlights include:

-Gunshot blast to the head (extra awesomeness!)
-Knife in the mouth
-Knife stabbings (x100)
-Meat cleaver to the neck
-Throat slicing
-Meat pounder to the face
-Intenstines gushing

That flashback is one of the best scenes in the movie, so check it out below.





You good? Is that enough? No need for a gore-ipedia for this review. Towards the end, the backround music got really loud and actually fucked up the dialogue that you could barely hear whats the actors were saying.

Seriously Olaf, WHAT THE FUCK??? The twist ending was outright predictable as we get a full reveal of whose pulling the strings but the fucked up sound editing made it so you couldn't even listen to whats being said.

The shitty plot, the horrible acting were bad enough. But fucked up sound editing? That's where I draw the fuckin line.

You can't argue with the gore. But you can argue with everything else. For your career Olaf, stop listening to Uwe Boll. And stop writing your own shit. And get some actors. Is that too much to ask?


Rating:

1/2

Labels: dard divorce, dard divorce review, dard divorce trailer, german horror, german splatter, gore, olaf ittenbach, splatter, splatter gore, underground splatter, uwe boll

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Blood Feast

Blood Feast (1963)

Directed by Herschell Gordon Lewis

You would have thought that I would have seen the first American splatter movie ever made.

But if you thought that, you would have been wrong.

The only film I've ever seen by Lewis was 2000 Maniacs which I absolutely loved. With 2k Maniacs, Blood Feast and Color Me Blood Red, this is what most have dubbed The Blood Trilogy.

And to be privy to seeing it is to see grindhouse flicks at its apex. It may be filled with horrible acting, blood red blood and full of cheesiness, but it spawned an American horror revolution...and its not too bad.

Hey even Juno loves Herschell Gordon Lewis movies.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

An Egyptian caterer kills various women in suburban Miami to use their body parts to bring to life a dormant Egyptian goddess, while an inept police detective try to track him down.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Try to pretend it's 1963, you're in Times Square at some grindhouse theatre. You've been watching to many Leave it to Beaver episodes and you see the poster above. You pay your $2 to see Blood Feast. Running at a minimum 70 minutes, you see scantily clad women get slaughtered in the most gruesome ways.

Think about it. This was something totally new. So totally fucked up, you're now totally disturbed. And this should not be taken lightly.

Let's bring it to modern times. How about the first time you saw Halloween or Nightmare on Elm Street or Friday the 13th. Remember that feeling?

That's what it was like to see Fuad Ramses (our notorious serial killer caterer) kill countless victims.

There are so many firsts in this movie. Let's list them.

1.) A women gets her eye cut out
2.) A women gets her legs cut off
3.) A women is scalped to death and her brain is removed
4.) A women's tongue is ripped out
5.) A women gets whipped to death
6.) A women gets her heart ripped out
7.) We see a killer "cook" human flesh
8.) Somebody dies via garbage truck compactor

Wikipedia also likes to add:

9.) Blood Feast is also one of the first films to show people dying with their eyes open.

Our first machete armed, Egyptian obsessed serial killer is Fuad Ramses.

He's got:

1.) "Crazy, weird eyes"
2.) A very noticable limp
3.) Speaks in incoherent blood thirsty sentences
4.) Prefers knives and machetes as weapons
5.) Is a caterer of exotic foods

Our cops are so inept it's a miracle the lead detective figures out who is the killer in the nick of time.

All in all, Blood Feast as the first American splatter introduces the formula that all other future splatter movies will follow.

1.) Deranged killer who stalks his prey (usually women)
2.) Elaborate, over the top gore and splatter scenes
3.) Cops/detectives hot on his trail
4.) Gratuitous nudity
5.) An ending that just doesn't live up the the hype

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

See above. Kinda listed it all there.

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)

For a 60's flick, you've got some glimpses of nudity
Bubbly boobies
Scantily clad gratuitous bikini boobies

WTF moment

That tongue ripping scene. Classic!

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Every gorehound and would be splatter-holic needs to see the Citizen Kane of splatter movies. It should be mandatory viewing for any horror fan (as well as many other HGL films). It's an education to see that Lewis and David Friedman (who produced it) were pioneers that evolved what horror movies could be.

2000 Maniacs, Gruesome Twosome (review coming soon!), The Gore Gore Girls, The Wizard of Gore and Color Me Bloody Red are being remade because the originals are classics.

Seriously, even Juno loves Herschell Gordon Lewis. So it' gotta be hip and cool right?


Rating:

Check out the trailer.







Tags:
blood feast, blood feast review , hershell gordon lewis , splatter movie, grindhouse movie, b-movie, wizard of gore, 2000 maniacs,

Labels: blood feast, blood feast review, blood feast trailer, first splatter movie, gore, grindhouse, herschell gordon lewis, splatter, splatter gore, wizard of gore

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

The Midnight Meat Train

The Midnight Meat Train (2008)

Directed by Ryuhei Kitamura

Every once in a while, Lion's Gate will poop out a movie worth 2 shits under it's horror label.

Fuck Saw V.

The Midnight Meat Train is that movie.

Wow, just a truly awesome-tastic horror gem. Possibly one of the best horror movies of the year.

So what did you need to pull of this feat?

You needed legendary Versus/Alive/Azumi director Ryuhei Kitamura. You needed a short story from horror writer Clive Barker (this little gem was a short from his Books of Blood series), a nifty screenplay by Jeff Buhler and some love from the horror community.

No thanks to Lion's Gate who decided to midnight movie and dollar themed this flick into theatrical oblivion.

But they did put up the loot.

TMMT is going to be a super duper horror cult classic, where it will play at midnight shows because people will WANT to see it. It hits all the right notes, leaving everybody scarred, bruised, sliced and diced and ultimately fuckin dead.

Rock on.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A photographer hunts down a serial killer. Based on Clive Barker's short story "Midnight Meat Train"

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Leon (Bradley Cooper) is a struggling photographer who wants to caption the essence of a vague metro city. Encouraged by his girlfriend Maya (Leslie Bibb who's quite a hotty) ,his friend Jurgis (Robert Bart) and a gallery artist played by Brooke Shields he ventures out to the city subway system to get gritty photos of life untouched.

We venture with Leon as he unravels the puzzle of a mysterious butcher (Vinnie Jones), who he follows and eventually witnesses the madman as he kills passengers on the train.

Why is he doing this?

Could it be he was bullied when he was young?
A mysterious tape he watched?
Does he want to show his victims that life is meaningful by creating elaborate traps?
Or is it some other bullshit motive?

Nah. It's fuckin fun.

Well he does have a real motive but that's not revealed til the "gotcha" ending. And I'm more than happy that the motive was told to me at the end. It would just have gotten in the way of the awesome scenes of carnage by our crazy butcher killer.

And we get plenty of them. Gorehounds refuckin joice. So many great scenes of slaughter it was horror-gasms one right after another. Decaps here, beheadings over there. Meat hook traumas, ocular traumas, you'd think you were watching fast food nation.

All mega major horror cylinders were hit. So synchronized to perfection. And we have to thank Kitamura and Barker for being on their game on this one.

Let's start with Kitamura. What you loved about Versus, Alive and Azumi are all blended into a liquid shake of horror gooeyness. Offbeat angles, frenzy camera work and hyper kinetic movement are all in play. Scenes are set up like Edward Munch like paintings. A cinematographer's wet dream.

A POV shot of a kill is done so well, I was cheering like I hit a game winning shot.

In the climatic final action sequence, the camera moves from in the subway car, to out of it, then back in all the while still capturing the gory fight.

The film paces nicely, chiming in with dialogue to push the plot but then making the audience engulfed in the suspense. Yes, people get chased, people hide from our dastardly killer. It's all cat and mouse, but most of the scenes Kitamura shows us are the cat totally fucking up the mice.

Poor mice.

Clive Barker's story is cleverly classic Barker. Like a good book, it's all about the buildup until the end where we are given an explanation and an ending that turns everything upside down. I realized what the ending would be 30 minutes in, but it's still pretty mini decent.

But the scene stealer has got to be the menace that is Vinnie Jones. He plays the killer butcher (he's credited as Mahogany) to a tee. A Gump like, suit wearing, leather bag carrying killer who remains SILENT throughout the flick.

His main weapon of choice: a meat pounder and hook.

And boy does he do a lot of fuckin damage with it.

TMMT just reinvigorated my horror adrenaline and cravings. It's by far one of the best horror movies of the year. And the sad part is not a lot of people are going to be able to see this little masterpiece until Lion's Gate releases it on DVD.

But if you get a chance to go to a midnight showing or dollar theatre matinee, support this little gem. It's worth more than a dollar, that's for sure.

Influences

Clive Barkers novels and short stories
80s classic horror
Grindhouse horror tinged movies

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

Meat hammer trauma
3D Ocular trauma
Meat hook to the balls
Decapitations
Barnacle gooyness
Human butchery
Stab wound to the neck
Knife through the mouth
Gunshot through the eye
Arm decaps
Leg decaps
Gallons of blood
Slicing and dicing
GORE GORE GORE!!!!

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)

A side boob from Leslie Bibb
Some dead victim boobies

WTF moment

That POV kill scene (it was soooooooooo good)

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

I'm blushing. It's so refreshing to see a movie that crosses the line, draws a new line then crosses that one too. I hope Kitamura goes the Takashi Miike route and dabbles making a couple of english language movies.

It's been so long since we had a Clive Barker fueled horror film, I think we now have to support Book of Blood as well.

OK, I'm going to go ahead and fuckin say it. The Midnight Meat Train is one of the Top 5 horror movies of 2008.

Now support this little turd so we can get more of the same.

Rating:

The Trailer



Tags:
the midnight meat train, the midnight meat train review , the midnight meat train trailer , lions gate horror films, vinnie jones, Ryuhei Kitamura, top horror movies 2008, clive barker book of blood, gratuitous nudity, splatter films, gore movies,

Labels: bradley cooper, clive barker, gore, leslie bibb, midnight meat train trailer, ryuhei kitamura, serial killer movie, splatter, splatter gore, terror train, the midnight meat train, vinnie jones

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

So after watching the infamous Tom Savini headshot scene for the 20 millionth time, I stumbled upon the Spinell archives.

As most underground horror fans know that Joe Spinell the writer and star of Maniac died before he could finish Maniac 2. But the trailer for Maniac 2: Mr. Robbie has been floating around for a while. Yay YouTube. We now all can see what could have been.

For you noobs who haven't seen Maniac, the trailer is below. For the few who haven't seen Mr. Robbie, go ahead and see sadistic 80s violence in all its glory.

Maniac Trailer





Maniac 2: Mr. Robbie Trailer




Well make that the 20 millionth and 1 time...the infamous headshot scene.





Tags:
maniac, maniac trailer , maniac 2: mr robbie , headshot scene, tom savini, carnie, top horror movies, joe spinell, gratuitous nudity, splatter films, times square 42nd street 70s nyc, , sleaze,

Labels: gore, headshot scene, joe spinell, maniac, maniac 2 mr robbie trailer, maniac trailer, serial killer movie, splatter, tom savini, william lustig

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

So I'm watching a terrible episode of Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, I decided to IMDB Sarah Connor herself, Lena Headey. I wanted to know what other movies besides 300 she's done. And what do I find? She's in a horror movie....and get this!!....it's with her TV son John Connor! (Thomas Dekker).

Wow talk about a small world.

This blood-irific splatter fest is called Laid to Rest, coming in 2009.

The trailer looks gooey and has shades of arterial spraying. Fuckin trailers always make even the shittiest movie look good.

And the funniest thing is in the trailer, the serial killer looks like a freakin terminator!!!

I'm fuckin serious. He's got silver skull mask (ahem!) and red scope thingy attached to his shoulder (double ahem!) And he's terminating the shit out of people from the looks of it.

Will this maniac killer be a cyborg from the future? Where's the hot teen Terminator to protect young John Connor? Where is David Silver? Can he save his nephew by DJing a good beat?

I'm going to get so confused.

Plot-o-rama....................

A terrifying story of a young girl who wakes up in a casket with a traumatic head injury and no memory of her identity. She quickly realizes she was abducted by a Deranged Serial Murderer and in an isolated rural town she must survive the night and outsmart the technologically inclined killer who is hellbent on finishing what he started.

Check out the Red Band HD trailer.





Tags:
laid to rest, laid to rest red band trailer , american horror , serial killer movies, gratuitous nudity, lena headey, terminator sarah connor chronicles, horror movies 2009,

Labels: bloody violence, horror movies 2009, laid to rest, laid to rest trailer, lena headey, serial killer movie, splatter, splatter gore, terminator the sarah connor chronicles, thomas dekker

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

If you've seen Oldboy or any of Chan Wook Park's movies, you know the Korean film industry is on the cutting edge of some really jaded movies.

A little gem that came out in 2001 is Paradise Villa.

The plot is well...kinda kooky.

An MMO geek finds out that somebody has stolen his inventory and seeks vengeance on the gamer who swiped it. The gamer lives in "Paradise Villa" and our anti-hero is goes insano killing on the residents of the apartment complex, who themselves are little quirky.

Trust me, I first saw this flick on VCD (yes fuckin VCD) and it's fuckin gore-ific. Blood, splatter and knifes into neck trauma.

Good times. Track this down if you can.

Tags:
paradise villa, paradise villa trailer , korean horror , serial killer movie, chan wook park, splatter

Labels: chan wook park, Chong-won Park, korean horror, oldboy, paradise villa, paradise villa trailer, serial killer movie, splatter, splatter gore, world cup

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:02 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

The Machine Girl

The Machine Girl (2008) (Kataude mashin gâru)

Directed by Noburu Iguchi

It's sad that the YouTube millenials made the Machine Girl's trailer go viral. Why? Because it just seems that a movie like this was condensed into 2-3 minutes. It should be viewed as 90 minutes of fun, splatter and gore that catches you surprised and shocked and LOLing. Because you watched the trailer, those parts are now not as much fun.

Damn millenials.

Tokyo Shock funded this little endeavor of Noburu Iguchi, and the Japanese creativity spews chunks of sly humor, CGI lunacy and more arterial spraying than all of Kill Bill combined.

It's as fun as advertised depsite the leak of prime slices in the trailer. The cheesiness comes out in full effect, the violence is manga-ish and the dialogue (subtitled as is) is ready for Mike Nelson and Tom Servo to go nuts on.

What the millenials don't understand is that Japanese filmmakers have been making these flicks for a while now. Stacy, Wild Zero and Junk are zombie flicks with vicious arterial carnage but campy. Miike's Ichi the Killer is the male equivelant of a flick like this. His Dead or Alive is classic in this genre as well. But don't tell this to Generation Y. To them this is the best thing since sliced Pzones.
Boring Plot-O-Matic

Ami (Minase Yashiro) is a basketball loving school girl. When her brother Yu gets killed by the local Ninja Yakuza "Hattori Hanzo" yumi (aka family), she gets revenged. Obviously from the trailer, her hand gets cut off and is replaced with an uber machine girl. Fuck it. She wants revenge and carnage ensues.


Awesome Review-O-Matic

Minase Yashiro is fuckin hot. And in her Sailor Moon uniform and a chainsaw arm thats ripping apart a poor Yakuza, you've just put sex and violence together which is every boy's wet dream. And that's just the opening scene.

I love when social problems evident in Japanese culture (in this case bullying) are made into a manga and then go live action. That's been happening alot. Basically Machine Girl is a revenge flick, pure and simple. But its a horror-omedy and it's that opposite approach from say a Kill Bill that makes it glorious fun.

Ami's search to kill all who wronged her brother (especially Sho Kimura, the mobster's son) takes us to scene after scene of pure arterial spraying set on insane. From an unfortunate family's dinner demise to her own torture at the hands of the evil Yakuza boss, its non stop splatter at its best.

Some of the best parts of the movie are not Ami in action but the Yakuza "Hattori Hanzo" clan (a wink to Sonny Chiba) and their utter disregard for life. A poor chef has to eat some special sushi, a maid is discarded and henchman become disposable. In one scene, a poor girl's death is not the end of her torture.

It's the Hanzo ninja yakuza clan that makes this movie work. The dad is ruthless, the son cowardly but sly but the wife is outright brutal. They are sooooooooo evil, your hoping Ami goes medieval on them.

After Ami's escape, she meets Yu's friend's parents who are mourning as well. They are the ones who can rebuild her. They have the technology. The husband is a tech genius who invents the machine gun and the wife is a survivalist gone awry. A gratuitous montage scene later, they're ready to do battle

And that's when the most ridiculous battle scene takes place between our heroes and the Junior High Shuriken Gang, one of the most splatterific scenes in the movie.

As the trailer suggests, there is a flying guillotine and the ending is so over the top, you can't help but cheer.

Machine Girl accomplishes what it sets out to do. Be funny, be gore-tacular and totally be something that makes you laugh and wince at the same time.

I've seen movies like this before, but Machine Girl is packaged perfectly, you're going to have an awesome time YouTubing your favorite clips afterwards.

Influences

Anything from Takashi Miike, Stacey, Junk, etc.

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

Machine girl bullet arterial spraying

Machine girl bullet carnage

Tempura oil scarring

Throat slicing

Massive beheadings

Knife mouth trauma

Finger slicing (with added finger sushi yum yum!)

Shuriken slicing

Nails in the head

Chainsaw splatter

Executioner's Blade carnage

Drill Bra brutality

Yada Yada Yada

WTF moment

The Bra. Nuff said.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

You're going to like this film.

Trust me.

It's got a hot schoolgirl amputee, a kickass evil Yakuza boss and more blood and guts than a slaughterhouse.

Yes the trailer does seem to give away a couple of good scenes. Watching the trailer is equivelant to having only eaten the appetizer and dessert. Now go enjoy the main course.

Rating:

The Trailer:



Tags:
the machine girl, the machine girl review , Minase Yashiro , Kataude mashin gâru, gore splatter drill bra, ninja yakuza hattori hanzo, top horror movies of 2008, bloody violence,

Labels: gore, hattori hanzo, jadedviewer, Kataude mashin gâru, Kill Bill, Minase Yashiro, ninja yakuza, Noburu Iguchi, Revenge movie, splatter, the machine girl, the machine girl review, tokyo shock

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:43 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Frontiere(s)








So it's good to know there are some inbred, cannibal neo-nazi families on the borderland of France.



















And now to the scenes of gore! gore! gore!








Tags:
frontiere(s), french horror , after dark horrorfest 2007 , gore splatter, hostel, the hills have eyes, shane ryan, gratuitous nudity, 8 films to die for, 2008 horror movies, 2008 gore splatter horror, horror movies of 2007,

Labels: after dark horrorfest 2007, after dark horrorfest 2008, french horror, frontiere(s), gore, splatter, top 10 horror movies of 2007, top horror movies of 2008, underground splatter

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Inside

Inside (À l'intérieur) (2007)

Directed by Alexandre Bustillo and Julien Maury

"À l'intérieur complètement âne de coups de pied!!!"

Translation:

"Inside totally kicks ass!!!"

-jadedviewer's jeffy pop after watching Inside

Now that's one great fuckin horror movie.

The hype surrounding Inside was all good. Arrow in the Head gave it 4 arrows. Fangoria gave it 4 skulls. And so, the jaded viewer joins in the hoopla and praise as I too will give it 4 spinkicks.

The French's track record for horror has been mixed. Alexandre Aja brought us Haute Tension which I had mixed feelings on. Gasper Noe's Irreversible was an exercise in insanity.

Inside, brought over to the States via Dimension Extreme should have been theatrical. But Hollywood's PG-13 vomit of horror will always exclude these masterpieces from ever coming overseas.

So why are we all gushing gore-tastically over Inside. It has the ingredients of one of the best horror/thriller movies of 2008.

Instructions are below.

PREP TIME
15 Min (grab some popcorn and hold on tight)
COOK TIME
1 Hr 22 Min
READY IN
30 Min (that's when the shit gets good)

INGREDIENTS

1 secluded house in a riot prone French suburb
1 hot, pregnant French soon to be mother who has lost her husband in a car accident
1 insane, demented, disturbed, twisted, fucked up woman bent on killing our maternity ward heroine
3 inept cops
1 criminal perp at the wrong place and at the wrong time
1 newspaper boss at the wrong place and at the wrong time
1 mother at the wrong place and at the wrong time
50 gallons of blood and guts

Heaping, oozing, gloroficus blood soaked splatter spoonfuls of the following:

1 sharp object through the head
1 gun shot through the back of the head
1 scissors through the head
1 burnt face beyond recognition
1 sharp object to the neck
1 emergency tracheotomy

and more!


DIRECTIONS

Put all ingredients together. Stir continuously until house is soaked and dripping with blood. Throw in slasher motive twist. Bake at 350 degrees until movie makes you say "Oh shit, that's fucked up." Movie is done when the ending gives you shivers.

Inside stars Beatrice Dalle our pregnant La femme who spends her last night home alone on Christmas Eve before she has to go to the hospital and give birth. A knock at her door has a mysterious Woman (Alysson Paradis) tell her to "Ouvre moi ta porte… que je t’ouvre le ventre."
("Open your door…. so I can open up your belly….")

And so it begins the torturous cat and mouse between the stalker and the stalkee.

Good times.

Directors Bustillo and Maury sculpt a brilliant thriller wrapped in gore soaked horror euphoria. From the ominous flashes from La Femme's flickering camera flash to the red/white bathroom contrast in the aftermath of the extreme carnage, it's awesomely shot and staged.
More superfluous are CGI scenes of La Femme's unborn baby looks of pain and anguish as her mother tries to survive. Totally mesmerizing and strategically placed. Definitely, something I've never ever seen before.

The FX are as Savini-ish with such attention to detail, no CG company could ever duplicate. The slitting throats, belly busting and other gore and splatter are so realistic, it was a work of art.

Gorehounds can rejoice as you will see the insides in Inside.

My only gripe was the 3rd act went in the realm of WTF, but by then you're already engulfed in the ocean that is this execution in fist pumping horror.

People will ask, is this just another torture porn? Hell fuckin no.

The characters are intriguing, the pace is slow then frenetic, there are very suspensful moments and the visuals are top notch.

The mass killings are done for a reason (if only known to our insane slasher madwoman) and it never steps out of its own reality.

This is one of the best horror films in the last decade. It has all the ingredients in a horror fan's wet dream.

One you taste this film, you'll come back for more.

Dinner's served.

Rating:

Trailer:



Tags:
Inside, À l'intérieur review , french horror movies , pregnant woman, gore splatter slasher, independent horror, stabbed in the head, Dimension Films,

Labels: dimension extreme, french horror, gore, inside, la femme, pregnant woman, splatter, À l'intérieur

Posted by the jaded viewer at 9:05 PM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Diary of the Dead

Diary of the Dead (2008)
Directed by George A. Romero

Cloverfield with Zombies.

Oh George. Where were you trying to go with this one?

Suffice it to say, I didn't enjoy DOTD. The overall film didn't give me a happy like Land of the Dead where George with his all star cast and special effect zombie gore was like a good meal.

Here are my gripes in no particular order.

1.) 1st person perspective/multiple camera shooting type movies

I'm beginning to hate this film device with a passion. Cloverfield did it and it made me sick. Here the film is edited together from shot footage and for a zombie movie, this just doesn't work. The threat of zombies is seeing them in large masses. That's scary shit. They may be slow but in huge numbers your going to shit in your pants. The movie doesn't need this FPS type device to make it work. George could have made it without this crap and it would have been way better

2.) These characters suck and the acting was horrible

NYU-film school hipsters are worse than NYU hipsters being chased by a monster.

These characters are very badly written.

Jason (the director guy): Yo, you really gotta film everything? Seriously? I mean put the fuckin camera down and help your friends before they get eaten

Debra (the survival girl): She is a spitting image of Eliza Dushku. So annoying with her "I need to save my family" crap. I really wanted her brains eaten.....slowly.

Tony (a dude): ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

Tracy (hot Texan girl): She barely got naked.

Mary (victim girl): The "where's the religion" perspective

Maxwell (the snotty drunk teacher): ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. He can shoot arrows really well.
Mummy guy, other director guy, etc.

I wanted all of these characters to die. All of them. I hated all of them.
They were actually worse than the Cloverfield hipsters.
That says a fuckin lot.

3.) Missing: Gore Gore Splatter Gore

A couple of good gore moments. Sickle through the face. Gunshots to the head are always good. Arrow through the head. Acid through the brain. And that was it?

George, we know you don't fail us with the gore and splatter. It's what we love your movies for. But where was it here? I hate this CGI zombie kill gore. It just doesn't look real. We need Savini (I can't believe I wrote that). We need good ole fashion blood pumps and pig intestines.

That was a monumental failure in this movie. Without gore and splatter and blood, it's not a zombie movie.

Where were the scenes of zombies just munching and lunching? I paid $11 to see that shit.

Finally............

4.) The satire doesn't need to be explained to me through a voiceover

Horror fans are smart. We appreciate satire in our horror.

We got it. We didn't need it explained to us.

Night was about the plight of blacks in America, Dawn was a crack at consumerism, Day was a reflection on the corruption of power and Land was about classism and how through the most dire of circumstances the status quo somehow remains the same.

Diary is of course about how technology and media separate ourselves from reality and the world we live in.

George, we didn't need Debra telling this us in monologue voiceover. We didn't need those scenes explaining to us that he's shooting the film but not taking part in it.

We get it. You kind of made me mad and assumed I wouldn't get it.

But that didn't save the movie.

Only George would do an homage to his own Night of the Living Dead in Diary.

Diary at the end of the day is perceived as a zombie movie with a gimmick. Romero is of course the creator and he can take his zombie-verse anywhere he wants to.

I just think he took a wrong turn on this one.

Rating:

Tags:
horror movie review, George A Romero Diary of the Dead , american horror splatter gore , zombies, george romero, hipsters dying, romero satire diary of the dead, gore

Labels: american horror, diary of the dead, first person, george romeo, gore, hipsters dying, satire, splatter, zombies

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:03 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Nekromantik 2
Nekromantik 2 (1991)

Directed by Jorg Buttgereit

The inevitable sequel is always determined if its better than the original. In the case of Nekromantik, it kinda is.

Buttgereit (still in classic art house mode) wiggles in David Lynchian imagery, classical music and corpse fucking.

And he does it so damn well.

The movie begins with the ending of the 1st movie in all its climactic, volcano glory.




The story (or lack therof) introduces Monika, a Rob loving necro herself who digs up poor Rob (our sick and depraved hero from part 1) and lets it be known that all Germans are into this sort of stuff.

Mind you, you'd think that riggo mortus would be an issue but logistics be damned!

Monika (played by Monika M. how original!) takes a bath with Rob (sorta like Bert and Ernie in those rub a dub tub scenes and only if Ernie was a rotting corpse and we all know Bert is evil)

She cuts off Rob's penis and stuffs it into the fridge (you make the joke).

Then Monika meets Mark (who voices pornos) and he discovers Monika's hobbies are little offbeat. But Monika is determined to make things work in her twisted world and in the shocking ending, we see her devious plan come to fruition.

The ending alone is by far the most clever yet perverted sickest shit I've ever seen. And as you may or may not want to know, let's spoil it for you nevertheless.

How do you solve your corpse fucking problem and your love of alivey flesh?

Well...


As Monika's ruse unfolds, she and Mark get down and dirty but alas poor Mark has no idea what's in store. Monika hacksaws his head most grusomely and replaces it with Rob.

What better way to get best of both worlds. Alas her dilemma is solved and for the audience, gore and sexhounds rejoice.

Nekromantik 2 goes on a whole new direction this time. Buttgereit doesn't go for shock value (well yeah he does but in its in his nature you know?). This time around, Jorg goes for what the title is all about. NEKRO + ROMANTIK. Get it?

Monika's love for both the stiff corpse that is Rob and the satisfaction of sexual desire is perfectly molded into one during the climatic final scene.

So let's just get this straight here. It's one fucked up movie. Buttgereit dresses part 2 in his sick blood spurting, seal dissecting package but at the end of the day, its still a movie about fucking a corpse.

The FX are still top notch (for its day) and Rob's sickly, greenish vomit inducing corpse is the star. Buttgereit giddyups into territory nobody else goes to and his sequel delivers the goods.

Nekromantik 2 is splatter-necro-core at its best. And for Buttgereit, the fact that he single handidly created a new sub sub genre, deserves around a round of decomposing applause.

Rating:

Tags:
movie review of the day, nekromantik , german horror , horror movies, 80s horror ,Jorg Buttgereit, gratuitous nudity, splatter, gore
necrophilia

Labels: german horror, gore, jorg buttgereit, necrophilia, nekromantik 2, splatter, underground horror, underground horror movies, underground splatter

Posted by the jaded viewer at 9:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Hatchet

Hatchet (2006)
Directed by Adam Green

Labels: Adam Green, american horror, gore, gratuitous nudity, hatchet, horror movies, movie review of the day, old school american horror, splatter

Posted by the jaded viewer at 10:54 PM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Category III. Hong Kong. Anthony Wong. Psycho Killer. Ebola Virus.

Ebola Syndrome (Yi boh laai beng duk)

Nuff said.

The Trailer



The Good Shit

Rating:

Tags:
ebola syndrome, anthony wong , hong kong , category 3, psycho killer ,ebola virus, Yi boh laai beng duk

Labels: anthony wong, category 3, ebola syndrome, ebola virus, gore, hong kong, psycho killer, splatter, Yi boh laai beng duk

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:40 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post