An MMO geek finds out that somebody has stolen his inventory and seeks vengeance on the gamer who swiped it. The gamer lives in "Paradise Villa" and our anti-hero is goes insano killing on the residents of the apartment complex, who themselves are little quirky.
Trust me, I first saw this flick on VCD (yes fuckin VCD) and it's fuckin gore-ific. Blood, splatter and knifes into neck trauma.
It's sad that the YouTube millenials made the Machine Girl's trailer go viral. Why? Because it just seems that a movie like this was condensed into 2-3 minutes. It should be viewed as 90 minutes of fun, splatter and gore that catches you surprised and shocked and LOLing. Because you watched the trailer, those parts are now not as much fun.
Damn millenials.
Tokyo Shock funded this little endeavor of Noburu Iguchi, and the Japanese creativity spews chunks of sly humor, CGI lunacy and more arterial spraying than all of Kill Bill combined.
It's as fun as advertised depsite the leak of prime slices in the trailer. The cheesiness comes out in full effect, the violence is manga-ish and the dialogue (subtitled as is) is ready for Mike Nelson and Tom Servo to go nuts on.
What the millenials don't understand is that Japanese filmmakers have been making these flicks for a while now. Stacy, Wild Zero and Junk are zombie flicks with vicious arterial carnage but campy. Miike's Ichi the Killer is the male equivelant of a flick like this. His Dead or Alive is classic in this genre as well. But don't tell this to Generation Y. To them this is the best thing since sliced Pzones. Boring Plot-O-Matic
Ami (Minase Yashiro) is a basketball loving school girl. When her brother Yu gets killed by the local Ninja Yakuza "Hattori Hanzo" yumi (aka family), she gets revenged. Obviously from the trailer, her hand gets cut off and is replaced with an uber machine girl. Fuck it. She wants revenge and carnage ensues.
Awesome Review-O-Matic
Minase Yashiro is fuckin hot. And in her Sailor Moon uniform and a chainsaw arm thats ripping apart a poor Yakuza, you've just put sex and violence together which is every boy's wet dream. And that's just the opening scene.
I love when social problems evident in Japanese culture (in this case bullying) are made into a manga and then go live action. That's been happening alot. Basically Machine Girl is a revenge flick, pure and simple. But its a horror-omedy and it's that opposite approach from say a Kill Bill that makes it glorious fun. Ami's search to kill all who wronged her brother (especially Sho Kimura, the mobster's son) takes us to scene after scene of pure arterial spraying set on insane. From an unfortunate family's dinner demise to her own torture at the hands of the evil Yakuza boss, its non stop splatter at its best.
Some of the best parts of the movie are not Ami in action but the Yakuza "Hattori Hanzo" clan (a wink to Sonny Chiba) and their utter disregard for life. A poor chef has to eat some special sushi, a maid is discarded and henchman become disposable. In one scene, a poor girl's death is not the end of her torture.
It's the Hanzo ninja yakuza clan that makes this movie work. The dad is ruthless, the son cowardly but sly but the wife is outright brutal. They are sooooooooo evil, your hoping Ami goes medieval on them.
After Ami's escape, she meets Yu's friend's parents who are mourning as well. They are the ones who can rebuild her. They have the technology. The husband is a tech genius who invents the machine gun and the wife is a survivalist gone awry. A gratuitous montage scene later, they're ready to do battle
And that's when the most ridiculous battle scene takes place between our heroes and the Junior High Shuriken Gang, one of the most splatterific scenes in the movie. As the trailer suggests, there is a flying guillotine and the ending is so over the top, you can't help but cheer.
Machine Girl accomplishes what it sets out to do. Be funny, be gore-tacular and totally be something that makes you laugh and wince at the same time.
I've seen movies like this before, but Machine Girl is packaged perfectly, you're going to have an awesome time YouTubing your favorite clips afterwards.
Influences
Anything from Takashi Miike, Stacey, Junk, etc. Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)
Machine girl bullet arterial spraying
Machine girl bullet carnage
Tempura oil scarring
Throat slicing
Massive beheadings
Knife mouth trauma
Finger slicing (with added finger sushi yum yum!)
Shuriken slicing
Nails in the head
Chainsaw splatter
Executioner's Blade carnage
Drill Bra brutality
Yada Yada Yada
WTF moment
The Bra. Nuff said.
The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis
You're going to like this film.
Trust me.
It's got a hot schoolgirl amputee, a kickass evil Yakuza boss and more blood and guts than a slaughterhouse.
Yes the trailer does seem to give away a couple of good scenes. Watching the trailer is equivelant to having only eaten the appetizer and dessert. Now go enjoy the main course.
Did all the Fulci disciple horror directors move to France?
It seems like it as the French delivered another splatter-ific, gore-hound's dream, nightmare-phobia world in Frontiere(s).
Just like Inside, this movie is filled with buckets of intense gore and bloodshed. And because of that, I'll forgive the mish mash of American horror genres they put into this mess.
Let me start off by saying, the world thinks America is filled with gun toting, inbred rednecks (with some pockets of KKK and Neo-Nazi-ish pieces of shit in there too).
Well I'm not going to say the US is a cookie cutter wonderland but Europe seems to be fucked up as well. That father from Austria comes to mind. And the French riots in 2005 shouldn't be overlooked as some major problems in France.
So it's good to know there are some inbred, cannibal neo-nazi families on the borderland of France.
Plot-O-Matic
A couple of French hipsters take off to the French frontiere aka border after their Reservoir Dogs heist in riot prone Paris. Yasmine, our pregnant femme and her tough guy boyfriend try to meet up with the other heisters and end up a hostel/inn that has that oh so fucked up family that's worse than your own during Thanksgiving
Influences
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Hills Have Eyes, Haute Tension, The Descent, Hostel, Saw
Rewind the Insanity
OK. It's not very original. Sometimes I think the up and coming French horror directors watch our American horror crap and do the remake thing in reverse.
Dear France,
We currently suck at horror. Don't copy us.
-the jaded viewer (USA)
That's not too say this flick isn't good. It's premise is CTRL-C from our best horror movies as you can see above. But the conventions are copied to a tee.
-Teenagers resting in a seemingly eerie "hostel"
-Oversexed males egos are stroked with some French eye candy "pleasure" with the hot looking sisters
-The patriarch is always some old, white haired, insane brutal killer looking for an heir
-There's the good son who obeys orders
-There's the bad son who does the dirty work
-The Leatherface guy
-The young daughter who's totally bonkers
Yup. Same horror conventions that we've all seen before. But those can be forgiven when all other horror cylinders are working well.
The visuals are clever and scary. The barn interiors and butcher-ish morgue only add to the decadent setting.
And now to the scenes of gore! gore! gore!
The movie is frenetically paced with the scenes of carnage. Each chase is filled with mouting tensions between each slaughter. The ending is done with editing insanity as Ripley-like Yasmine escapes from her captors. Without these scenes of terror and unrelenting gore, Frontiere(s) would be yet another After Dark Horrorfest flick thrown into the used DVD bin.
That's the best part of it. The prudish Hollywood system would never create a movie like this with its over the top gore and savage beating of the heroine.
Frontiere(s) is currently out in limited theatrical release and it comes out on DVD on 5/13. French horror has always been cutting edge and they go to the cliff on this one. Frontiere(s) splatter and extreme scenes of carnage makes it's American counterparts look Disney-ish in comparison.
I'm not going to say this made me all giddy like Inside did. But at leastthe gorehound in me was entertained from start to finish.
"À l'intérieur complètement âne de coups de pied!!!"
Translation:
"Inside totally kicks ass!!!"
-jadedviewer's jeffy pop after watching Inside
Now that's one great fuckin horror movie.
The hype surrounding Inside was all good. Arrow in the Head gave it 4 arrows. Fangoria gave it 4 skulls. And so, the jaded viewer joins in the hoopla and praise as I too will give it 4 spinkicks.
The French's track record for horror has been mixed. Alexandre Aja brought us Haute Tension which I had mixed feelings on. Gasper Noe's Irreversible was an exercise in insanity.
Inside, brought over to the States via Dimension Extreme should have been theatrical. But Hollywood's PG-13 vomit of horror will always exclude these masterpieces from ever coming overseas.
So why are we all gushing gore-tastically over Inside. It has the ingredients of one of the best horror/thriller movies of 2008.
Instructions are below.
PREP TIME 15 Min (grab some popcorn and hold on tight) COOK TIME 1 Hr 22 Min READY IN 30 Min (that's when the shit gets good)
INGREDIENTS
1 secluded house in a riot prone French suburb 1 hot, pregnant French soon to be mother who has lost her husband in a car accident 1 insane, demented, disturbed, twisted, fucked up woman bent on killing our maternity ward heroine 3 inept cops 1 criminal perp at the wrong place and at the wrong time 1 newspaper boss at the wrong place and at the wrong time 1 mother at the wrong place and at the wrong time 50 gallons of blood and guts
Heaping, oozing, gloroficus blood soaked splatter spoonfuls of the following:
1 sharp object through the head 1 gun shot through the back of the head 1 scissors through the head 1 burnt face beyond recognition 1 sharp object to the neck 1 emergency tracheotomy
and more!
DIRECTIONS
Put all ingredients together. Stir continuously until house is soaked and dripping with blood. Throw in slasher motive twist. Bake at 350 degrees until movie makes you say "Oh shit, that's fucked up." Movie is done when the ending gives you shivers.
Inside stars Beatrice Dalle our pregnant La femme who spends her last night home alone on Christmas Eve before she has to go to the hospital and give birth. A knock at her door has a mysterious Woman (Alysson Paradis) tell her to "Ouvre moi ta porte… que je t’ouvre le ventre." ("Open your door…. so I can open up your belly….")
And so it begins the torturous cat and mouse between the stalker and the stalkee.
Good times.
Directors Bustillo and Maury sculpt a brilliant thriller wrapped in gore soaked horror euphoria. From the ominous flashes from La Femme's flickering camera flash to the red/white bathroom contrast in the aftermath of the extreme carnage, it's awesomely shot and staged. More superfluous are CGI scenes of La Femme's unborn baby looks of pain and anguish as her mother tries to survive. Totally mesmerizing and strategically placed. Definitely, something I've never ever seen before.
The FX are as Savini-ish with such attention to detail, no CG company could ever duplicate. The slitting throats, belly busting and other gore and splatter are so realistic, it was a work of art.
Gorehounds can rejoice as you will see the insides in Inside.
My only gripe was the 3rd act went in the realm of WTF, but by then you're already engulfed in the ocean that is this execution in fist pumping horror.
People will ask, is this just another torture porn? Hell fuckin no.
The characters are intriguing, the pace is slow then frenetic, there are very suspensful moments and the visuals are top notch.
The mass killings are done for a reason (if only known to our insane slasher madwoman) and it never steps out of its own reality.
This is one of the best horror films in the last decade. It has all the ingredients in a horror fan's wet dream.
One you taste this film, you'll come back for more.
Diary of the Dead Diary of the Dead (2008) Directed by George A. Romero
Cloverfield with Zombies.
Oh George. Where were you trying to go with this one?
Suffice it to say, I didn't enjoy DOTD. The overall film didn't give me a happy like Land of the Dead where George with his all star cast and special effect zombie gore was like a good meal.
Here are my gripes in no particular order.
1.) 1st person perspective/multiple camera shooting type movies
I'm beginning to hate this film device with a passion. Cloverfield did it and it made me sick. Here the film is edited together from shot footage and for a zombie movie, this just doesn't work. The threat of zombies is seeing them in large masses. That's scary shit. They may be slow but in huge numbers your going to shit in your pants. The movie doesn't need this FPS type device to make it work. George could have made it without this crap and it would have been way better
2.) These characters suck and the acting was horrible
NYU-film school hipsters are worse than NYU hipsters being chased by a monster.
These characters are very badly written.
Jason (the director guy): Yo, you really gotta film everything? Seriously? I mean put the fuckin camera down and help your friends before they get eaten
Debra (the survival girl): She is a spitting image of Eliza Dushku. So annoying with her "I need to save my family" crap. I really wanted her brains eaten.....slowly.
Tony (a dude): ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
Tracy (hot Texan girl): She barely got naked.
Mary (victim girl): The "where's the religion" perspective
Maxwell (the snotty drunk teacher): ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. He can shoot arrows really well. Mummy guy, other director guy, etc.
I wanted all of these characters to die. All of them. I hated all of them. They were actually worse than the Cloverfield hipsters. That says a fuckin lot.
3.) Missing: Gore Gore Splatter Gore
A couple of good gore moments. Sickle through the face. Gunshots to the head are always good. Arrow through the head. Acid through the brain. And that was it?
George, we know you don't fail us with the gore and splatter. It's what we love your movies for. But where was it here? I hate this CGI zombie kill gore. It just doesn't look real. We need Savini (I can't believe I wrote that). We need good ole fashion blood pumps and pig intestines.
That was a monumental failure in this movie. Without gore and splatter and blood, it's not a zombie movie.
Where were the scenes of zombies just munching and lunching? I paid $11 to see that shit.
Finally............
4.) The satire doesn't need to be explained to me through a voiceover
Horror fans are smart. We appreciate satire in our horror.
We got it. We didn't need it explained to us.
Night was about the plight of blacks in America, Dawn was a crack at consumerism, Day was a reflection on the corruption of power and Land was about classism and how through the most dire of circumstances the status quo somehow remains the same.
Diary is of course about how technology and media separate ourselves from reality and the world we live in.
George, we didn't need Debra telling this us in monologue voiceover. We didn't need those scenes explaining to us that he's shooting the film but not taking part in it.
We get it. You kind of made me mad and assumed I wouldn't get it.
But that didn't save the movie.
Only George would do an homage to his own Night of the Living Dead in Diary.
Diary at the end of the day is perceived as a zombie movie with a gimmick. Romero is of course the creator and he can take his zombie-verse anywhere he wants to.
The inevitable sequel is always determined if its better than the original. In the case of Nekromantik, it kinda is.
Buttgereit (still in classic art house mode) wiggles in David Lynchian imagery, classical music and corpse fucking.
And he does it so damn well.
The movie begins with the ending of the 1st movie in all its climactic, volcano glory.
The story (or lack therof) introduces Monika, a Rob loving necro herself who digs up poor Rob (our sick and depraved hero from part 1) and lets it be known that all Germans are into this sort of stuff.
Mind you, you'd think that riggo mortus would be an issue but logistics be damned!
Monika (played by Monika M. how original!) takes a bath with Rob (sorta like Bert and Ernie in those rub a dub tub scenes and only if Ernie was a rotting corpse and we all know Bert is evil)
She cuts off Rob's penis and stuffs it into the fridge (you make the joke).
Then Monika meets Mark (who voices pornos) and he discovers Monika's hobbies are little offbeat. But Monika is determined to make things work in her twisted world and in the shocking ending, we see her devious plan come to fruition.
The ending alone is by far the most clever yet perverted sickest shit I've ever seen. And as you may or may not want to know, let's spoil it for you nevertheless.
How do you solve your corpse fucking problem and your love of alivey flesh?
Well...
As Monika's ruse unfolds, she and Mark get down and dirty but alas poor Mark has no idea what's in store. Monika hacksaws his head most grusomely and replaces it with Rob.
What better way to get best of both worlds. Alas her dilemma is solved and for the audience, gore and sexhounds rejoice.
Nekromantik 2 goes on a whole new direction this time. Buttgereit doesn't go for shock value (well yeah he does but in its in his nature you know?). This time around, Jorg goes for what the title is all about. NEKRO + ROMANTIK. Get it?
Monika's love for both the stiff corpse that is Rob and the satisfaction of sexual desire is perfectly molded into one during the climatic final scene.
So let's just get this straight here. It's one fucked up movie. Buttgereit dresses part 2 in his sick blood spurting, seal dissecting package but at the end of the day, its still a movie about fucking a corpse.
The FX are still top notch (for its day) and Rob's sickly, greenish vomit inducing corpse is the star. Buttgereit giddyups into territory nobody else goes to and his sequel delivers the goods.
Nekromantik 2 is splatter-necro-core at its best. And for Buttgereit, the fact that he single handidly created a new sub sub genre, deserves around a round of decomposing applause.
What makes a good, fun slasher movie? Below is a list of what we here at jadedviewer deem as full of chunky gooiness when it comes to the ingredients of a solid slasher-palooza.
Does Hatchet achieve everything on this list?
1.) A mysterious, insanely strong, ridiculed as a child, deformed, inbred redneck slasher.
Check.
2.) Gratuitous, over the top, super fleshy nudity (and seeing the boobies of a former Buffy the Vampire Slayer cast member)?
Check.
3.) Stereotypical teenage caricatures with a few old people who die gruesome and horrific over the top deaths?
Check.
4.) No Plot.
Check.
5.) Kills by our slasher that make you go "Fuck yeah!"
Check.
6.) Gore, lots of it. Like serious decapitation, dismemberment, impalement, hatchet frenzy steroid rages and blood shooting out at various penetration wounds, limbs a flailing and mindless splatter and mayhem
Check.
7.) Geeky leader who takes charge of the hapless group as they try to escape who befriends a hot girl who knows about the "legend" (there's always a legend no one believes)
Check.
8.) Funny yet ill timed dialogue but also various quips and one liners that are funny only the first time around (yet somehow funny again when you buy the DVD and only when you're stoned)
Check.
9.) Gratuitous cameos by actors who have portrayed horror legends (Candyman, Freddy Kreuger and Jason Voorhees) that make you flash a metal sign and do the Beavis and Butthead pseudo head nodding.
Check.
10.) Wildly ambigious ending that can be used to warrant a sequel?
Check.
Hatchet is 80 minutes of the most fun I've had in a theatre. I had to scour NYC to find the one theatre it was playing at. Some of the jokes were kinda lame but the characters were throwbacks: geeky leader, token black guy (who plays the token black guy to perfection), bimbos with the idiotic director, Floridian elderly touristy couple, hot looking local and the asian (or not so asian) tour captain.
And the throwbacks made me all nostalgiky. Our man, Hatchet head is by far the most solid slasher to come along in ages. He's not a mysterious, conjured up evil or a pissed off fisherman, nor is he two teenage horror buffs.
He's a deformed, inbred redneck with a big hatchet scar. His had put a hatchet in his fuckin head. That's a awesome slasher.
Hatchet is great fun. It won't change your life, but when has seeing gore and titties at the same time made you think of changing the way you live. Right?
The story (or lack therof) introduces Monika, a Rob loving necro herself who digs up poor Rob (our sick and depraved hero from part 1) and lets it be known that all Germans are into this sort of stuff.
As Monika's ruse unfolds, she and Mark get down and dirty but alas poor Mark has no idea what's in store. Monika hacksaws his head most grusomely and replaces it with Rob.
