a jaded viewer reviews the world of horror, splatter, gore, cult, grindhouse, trash, b-movie, erotica, indie, asian and exploitation films
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Raging Phoenix (Trailer)
Holy fuckin cow. I just wet myself. After the "ehh oh wow" that was Ong Bak 2, Tony Jaa is sooo yesterday. Just let me watch JeeJa Yanin kick ass again makes the jaded viewer a happy boy.
So what will we get to see in her new movie following her debut after Chocolate?
An romantic action-omedy!
Mega intense training montage!!
You Got Served meets Ong Bak!!!
Chinese Drunken Fist vs Drunken Muay Thai!!!!
Choreographed Doubles tag team fight movies!!!!!
Starring.....
The mega hot Jeeja Yanin Kazoo, TRICKZ martial arts champion from France!? Roontawan, The Asia Pacific Woman Bodybuilding Champion?!? Thai B-Boys!?!?
What more do you want? (Oh, duh. Of course the trailer which you can see below)
Plot seems to revolve around a gang kidnapping rich girls in Thailand so they can harvest their organs or some other. But plots in muay thai action is like dialogue in porn, it's totally irrelevant.
Let's get this out of the way first. This is a pseudo sequel to the smash and bash that is Ong Bak. Got that?
Let's also get this out of the way too.
Thailand is still the king of action cinema for now. Stunt-a-palooza, muy thai kneeing and elbowing and just rampant 1-2-3 punches. Sick shit all around.
I'm not a big fan of period piece action cinema. Whenever some Chinese or Japanese movie is set in the past, I get bored. I like my action in the present day, where stunts are performed in an urban setting, parkour becomes commonplace and a final scene can play out on the side of a fuckin building.
So you can see my dilemma after having watched Ong Bak 2?
The simple review is this. The historical ploppity plot is a yawn but the stunts and the actionography is fuckin fantastic and the stunts as always are awesome the magnificent.
You still want a review.....arghhh ok. Boring Plot-O-Matic
Set in the regal times of King Naresuan, Tien (Tony Jaa) is a man who was born into nobility but had it stripped from him after his parents were brutally murdered. During his childhood Tien learned Khon, a form of dance which is usually reserved for royalty. Although he didn't know it yet, Khon would later prove to be an invaluable aide to him. After seeing his parents murdered at the tender age of 10, Tien is forced to live on the streets where he is eventually captured by a group of thieves who take him in and teach him how to steal and fight.
Tien's expertise as a thief and fighter grows and it isn't long before he is made head thief. Then Tien sees something that makes his stomach churn. A competition is being held to find the best knights to serve under the very man who had killed Tien's parents all those years ago. Tien passes the tests easily and is made Lord Rachasana's 2nd Knight. Now, he has his opportunity to strike but he will have to use all his skill and ingenuity if he is going to get his revenge on the man who killed his parents.
Awesome Review-O-Matic
Read the plot above because I'm not going to talk about it anymore. Let's get to the action scenes shall we?
1.) Random medieval army vs army carnage
Slyly put into the sword on sword and bow and arrow battles is CGI blood. You know the one...that fake "300" CGI blood. I do not like this and there was way too much of it during the fight scenes.
However, good crazy choreographed action-rama when 2 battle armies go mano y mano is never a bore.
2.) The Elephant Scene
Tony Jaa has always tried to top his stunts and in this one he balances off a pack of wild rampaging elephants than does a sick backwards flip off its trunk. Totally sick...very nice.
3.) The training montage plus SAT Pirate tests scene
Jaa has to pass 3 tests to become the man of the pirates gang.
a.) Beat some schmuck with a sword b.) Beat some schmuck with his muy thai c.) Beat some schmuck with everything he's got in his arsenal
Suffice it to say he does.
4.) Tien's Uber Revenge Scene
Jaa's is in full revenge mode using Pacquiao like speed and lightning quick martially arts to dispense of the people who fucked up his village. Tons of different weapons are used, crazy numchucks, swords, that rope with the rock at the end of it (what's that called?) and plain old bare fists and legs.
The scene blows by so quickly if you blink you may have missed something unfuckinbelievable.
5.) The Ending is 20 -30 minutes of action porn
Seriously...its like he exploded and went completely nuts. Jaa has all the cylinders working. Guys are coming at him left and right and he's disposing of them like he's blowing his nose. It's Jaa vs an army of 300. Slice and dice, punch and crunch. Jaa is kicking ass so fast its a ballet of brutality. A battle on top of an elephant made my mouth stay open for a good 10 seconds.
It's great choreographed insanity and it's pretty fun to watch.
The ending leaves a soon to be sequel ready to be filmed. All in all, a good solid flick. Though it didn't have the magic of the first Ong Bak. The original had humor, a very funny motivational plot device and muy thai-ing that went off the radar.
Ong Bak 2 had none of that. But that's ok. It's like getting psyched up for your favorite dish and it not living up to your expectations. But it's still satisfying.
Gore-ipedia/Nude-ipedia
Nada. More like one big sausage factory but with flying spinkicks.
WTF moment That crazy elephant back flick
The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis
Ong Bak 3 was greenlit and its suppose to start filming at the end of this year. Hollywood has been itching to get Tony Jaa to Hollywood. Please don't stick him in a buddy cop movie...fuckin Hollycrap.
Ong Bak 2 is your fix for all that is the uber martial arts action genre has to offer. If you can keep awake during the pointless plot pushing the action scenes do not disappoint.
Somehow they need to tie this flick and part 3 to the original. Maybe that head in the first movie is Tien's head.
Yeah that make sense. Hmm maybe not. Oh fuck it. Just knee kick somebody in the head please.
Prachya Pinkaew, the director of awesome-rific films Ong Bak and Tom Yum Goong , is the reigning king of action cinema.
And Chocolate again shows why guns and shootouts are fuckin overrated.
It's been a while since a full out martial arts flick totally blew me away.
JeeJa Yanin is breathtaking as Zen, an autistic girl who accumulates her martial arts skills by watching who else...Tony Jaa. Her muay thai skills are unfuckinbelievable and as always, there are no stunt doubles and all the action stunts you see are as is. The outtakes are at the end.
Fuck the plot and any character development. It's totally irrelelevant. What you came here to see is non stop muay thai choreography at its finest. This is vintage Jackie Chan (ala Police Story) with stunts, jumps, flips and the backround as weaponry.
An autistic woman with powerful martial art skills looks to settle her ailing mother's debts by seeking out the ruthless gangs that owe her family money.
Awesome Review-O-Matic
OK. The plot above is why all these elaborate fight scenes develop. Zen and her cousin need money to help her mom buy badly needed medicine. They first use Zen's autistic skills via a ball toss exhibition. But they know they need more cash so they seek out the local gang owned businesses that owe her mom money. This soon ticks off the crime overlord and soon he's on their tail.
Zen also loves chocolate M&M's (hence the title), loves her Teddy Bear and has a fear of flies. This all comes into play during whats to play out.
But really that was all irrelevant.
For this review, for all intended purposes, is to grade each of the fight scenes on a number grade from 1 to 10 with 1 being shitty to 10 being fuckin awesome.
So let's get started.
1.) Hoodrats fight scene
Some teenage hoodrats test Zen's catching skills with a knife. She then uses an arsenal of mimicked Tony Jaa moves to go all Ong Bak on them. This was 18 minutes in and you get a good taste of whats to come. Like some chicken wings as an appetizer. You know it's going to get better.
Rating - 6.0
2.) Ice Factory fight scene
After a anime moment of clarity and 33 minutes in, we get the ice factory fight scene. Wow. Totally awesome. Zen shows off her mega lightning kicks and disposes of henchman without a sweat. Blocks of ice can't stop our little Zen.
Rating - 7.5
3.) Warehouse fight scene
38 minutes in, Zen is in full effect. She's using the warehouse as a weapon of mass destruction. Slipping in through tight spots and using lockers, chairs and cardboard boxes as a playground of weaponry, it's a beautiful thing to watch.
Spinkicks, swipe kicks, flying backward spin kicks, flying splits and a few comedy kicks to boot. And the climax is a slide under a glass table that only Zen could pull off. FUCK YEAH!!! Poor henchman. Why do they keep trying?
Rating - 8.0
4.) Meat Factory/Butchery fight scene
Does Zen have a weakness? Well remember that fear of flies? Well Houston, we have a problem. But thanks to her cousin whose there with a electronic fly swatter, problem solved.
45 minutes in, we are going to see meat cleavers and knives and a spinkick-palooza. Never has a butchery ever been so critical to some ass kicking. A few sporadic funny ha ha's during the fight scene with some elbows to the head make this one of the most entertaining fight scenes ever. The stunt team is so critical to the action. They are the one's getting hit and they are getting hit really fuckin hard. Kudos to them.
Rating - 8.0
5.) Rooftop restaurant fight scene (with Mini boss #1!)
Let's just list some fragmented action highlights. Elbows through the head. Knees to the face. Some acrobatic kicks to the face. A fight scene that takes place with Zen crouched down under some pipes. All this climaxes to a knee to the head that is without a doubt the best I've ever seen.
Rating - 9.0
6.) Restaurant dojo fight scene
No holds barred as we get an onslaught of henchman for Zen to kick the shit out off. This is muay thai action at its finest. All the kicks and elbows and punches are perfectly timed. The flips and jumps all choreographed without any flaws. 360 spinkicks to the back of of the head. Just beautiful. A knee to the face in awesome-rific slo mo. Oh yeah.
And we're not even done!!!
Because the next scene is probably the most politically incorrect thing you'll ever see in an action movie. BUT WHO FUCKIN CARES!!! IT'S FUCKIN AWESOME!!!!
BIG SPOILER BELOW!!!!
Zen has to face off against the crime lord's biggest weapon yet. An autistic mini boss #2!!!!
This dude in glasses and an Adidas track suit has some autism too and he's as spazzy as can be. Plus he's got this breakdancing muay thai style she's never seen. Zen gets her ass kicked but she uses her snapshot focused brain to mimic her enemy. Soon she's spazzing and kicking mini boss #2 unconcious. The finishing move is just totally unbelievable. Bless all stunt wire work!!!
You have see this to believe it. SO AWESOME I THINK I WET MYSELF.
END BIG SPOILER!!!!
But it's not over yet. We get a samurai sword-palooza and soon Zen has snapshot her dad's moves to eliminate this threat.
Which then leads too...........
Rating - 9.5
7.) Side of the building fight scene(FINAL BOSS SCENE!!)
This is single handidly the best fight scene on the side of a building EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Zen has to chase final boss through a parade of fire escapes, neon signs and the side of a train platform. It perfectly plays out. Because you know henchmen are gonna fall down some 2 stories...badly.
A great way to end the film. The final fight scene is everything you wanted it to be. Such killer stunts and action sequences, I can't believe they accomplished all of this in less than 90 minutes.
Rating - 10.0
Influences
Are you kidding me? Prachya Pinkaew and his stunt team are their own influence on other films.
Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)
This ain't horror son.
Nude-ipedia
Dude, this ain't horror.
WTF moment The spoiler scene listed above. I lost my shit when I saw it. So awesome.
The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis
This may be the first movie I may give 5 spinkicks too. But I'll give it 4 plus an extra spinkick for being so awesome. Non existent plot and motive plus the fact that the last 30 minutes were all action makes this one of the best films of 2008. Chocolate hit on all cylinders of what it was suppose to be. A non stop action sequence from start to finish.
An autistic woman with powerful martial art skills looks to settle her ailing mother's debts by seeking out the ruthless gangs that owe her family money.
JeeJa Yanin is breathtaking in the trailer below. Her muay thai skills are unfuckinbelievable and as always, there are no stunt doubles and all the action stunts you see are as is.
I just watched the trailer for Ong Bak 2. And all I have to say is....WTF?
Ong bak had simple premise. Super uber muay thai fighter Tony Jaa comes to Bangkok to get back mystical head, meet his funny cousin and kicks anybody's ass in the process if they get in his way.
He also runs, flies, skips, dashes and avoids obstacles in a local market than savagely beats up henchman and the boss at the end.
That's it. So can somebody tell me why is Ong Bak 2 an epic period movie filled with num chucks, elephants and facepaint?
Arghhhh. C'mon Tony Jaa. Doing crazy kicks, free running and kneeing somebody in the head is what made Ong Bak rock. I need to see you elbow somebody's fuckin head.
Well, I'll give this movie a chance. It seems like they are showcasing some other Thai martial arts so that seems cool. And this flick has weapons. Maybe the weapons will help. We'll see.
Holy fuckin cow. I just wet myself. After the "ehh oh wow" that was Ong Bak 2, Tony Jaa is sooo yesterday. Just let me watch JeeJa Yanin kick ass again makes the jaded viewer a happy boy.
