the jaded viewer

Well everybody has done regular reviews, screencap reviews, quotey quotable reviews of Jennifer's Body. But nobody has done a trademarked jaded viewer WTF List of this movie.

Honest to blog, thank the cheesy fries for me.

So here is The WTF List: Jennifer's Body Edition. Beware, I'm going all Buffy comparison in this list.

1.) OK, let's get it outta the way. She may look whorey, but Megan Fox is fuckin hot
2.) This movie is like an episode of Buffy. I mean they could be in Sunnydale and it totally feels the same way. Needy is Willow, Chip is Oz and Jennifer is a Cordelia/Buffy hybrid.
3.) Looking beyond her character, Amanda Seyfried is waaay hot too. Just had to get that outta the way
4.) Low Shoulder ain't no Dingoes Ate my Baby

5.) OK I chuckled during that "It's true. It's on Wikipedia" line
6.) OMG that's fuckin Screeching Weasel. Damn you Diablo Cody!!!!
7.) Victim #1 was a jock douchebag (yay), Victim #2 is a Hot Topic addict (double yay)
8.) How many people from Juno are in this?
9.) It's like Teeth but without the mutant hoohaa
10.) Gratuitous use of an homage to Evil Dead via a t-shirt
11.) Hot lesbian scene is super stimulating on a intellectual basis....ok I'll be right back.
12.) Back......wait not done yet. Now I'm back.
13.) The female natural cycle to sexual innuendo ratio is like 2:1.
14.) Really? Satanic rituals and succubi. You gotta love 3rd grade level horror.
15.) The big final fight scene was all tampons and eating disorder talk. Funny one liners should have lead to chick on chick violence.
16.) OK the chick on chick violence was horribly boring
17.) That ending was on Season 3, Episode 12...aspect of the demon. OMG, did Diablo Cody just watch all of Buffy to write this shit?
18.) Gratuitous use of Lance Henrickson....why I ask you why?
19.) The waterfall thing is kinda cool
20.) OK, now lets talk about the dialogue. Sure I know its too overly clever but the Diablo Cody speak is exactly the same as Whedon-logue. So I'm not going to say that the movie is bad because of this.

I like how the dialogue is populated with pop culture references, Internet lingo and cleverly cleverisms. Because I mean look how I write for blog's sake. I'm a true Whedon disciple and every since, I've started blogging and talking this way. I think it might be a severe disorder that I will have a press conference about one day.

In any case, final thoughts on Buffy's Body. The movie is heightened Diablo Cody for the prepackaged, T-Mobile Sidekick text happy MTV crowd. I liked it in that mindless horror mainstreaminess sorta way. We got cock teased with Megan Fox partial nudity, thought we'd get some decent monsters slaying and it promoted the soundtrack as best it could. Here's the simple calculus.

Cleverlogue + Megan Fox + demonology + tongue on tongue happy = Yay!

It's a horror comedy with LOLs and OMGs and FTWs. Sit back, relax and eat some green M&M's. You get 2 spinkicks Jennifer's Body.

You happy?

Rating:

Labels: 2009 horror movies, demons, diablo cody, gratuitous nudity, jennifer's body, megan fox, nudity, the wtf list

Posted by the jaded viewer at 11:00 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

So on a cold, frigid day last week I went to see the overly hyped, groundbreaking behemoth that is Avatar. What can you say that hasn't been said already? I dug the Real D awesomeness but the story was equivalent to a high school film club pitching potential Star Trek episode ideas.

Insano Steve said it best. It's the same rehashed story they use for every other movie. Dumb, stoopid guy has to join group and learn their ways. Meets girl. Likes girl. Gets in fight with girl's pseudo BF (he's a douche) and pseudo BF makes fun of guy. Girl sees this. He wins girl. Big fight ensues. He has to choose old culture or new culture. He chooses new culture. The End.

But damn those effects are spec-fuckin-tacular. So without further ado, it's the WTF list: Avatar Edition! Spoilers Ahoy.

1.) Really? 5 3D previews in a row? Jeezus...those piranhas look fake
2.) I haven't even put on my Real D glasses and I have a headache already
3.) Well, color me impressed. The virtual displays look holodecky
4.) Damn, these be tall motherfuckers
5.) Have we not learned from our mistakes? Guess not. USA! USA! USA!
6.) I am mesmerized by colorful, spinning bugs
7.) Dude! I see Na'vi boobage!
8.) So are there like Samoan, fat Na'vi?
9.) This is reminding me of the time Sigourney Weaver tried saving Gorillas in the Mist
10.) These rhino-elephant creatures are very awe-ish. So is the rainbow plant life.
11.) Giovanni Ribisi is the best overacting actor of our generation
12.) Dude, it's like Top Gun but with dragony creatures. Maverick this is Goose...
13.) Holy Shit! They gonna do it!!! They gonna hook up their tentacles, use a condom bro
14.) The whole Native American angle is a bit overused...couldn't we just give them some whiskey and wait a few generations (oh snap! He just didn't say that)
15.) Ewoks vs Empire all over again...and yet somehow we all believe this is plausible
16.) Great job USA, you blew up a tree. Pat yourself on the back.
17.) So is Jake Sully....Obama or am I reading too much in to this. You the chosen one!
18.) Well this be my first 3D action flick and I'm loving every minute of it
19.) Damn, America can't even win a war in a movie, we suck
20.) I now have a slight headache but I'll admit Avatar is very breathtaking visually

21.) FYI. Michelle Rodriguez in a tank top is visually yumminess

If I have to give this a spinkick rating it be 3. I mean the last 3D flick I saw was My Bloody Valentine and the gimmick use of this format in that flick was slightly entertaining.

But James Cameron seems like the guy to be the chosen one to lead us into this new tech. I mean he made tall, blue smurfs look and feel "real". And you gotta give him his props. But that's the thing. Even the Star Wars fans know Lucas can't write or pen any sensible dialogue and Cameron seems to suffer from "Dialogue and plot may be regurgitated but this shit be in 3D!".

Avatar is simply visual eye candy that has pushed the envelope that we will now all be watching movies in funny sunglasses for the foreseeable future. Sigh.

Labels: 3d, avatar, my bloody valentine 3D, the wtf list

Posted by the jaded viewer at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

I'm a big Quentin Tarantino fan. I just appreciate the fact that his movies are combinations of different grindhouse subgenres (crime thriller, kung fu mania, spaghetti western, war machine, etc.) The argument for the anti Tarantino fans is that he "steals" from other movies. To this I say, all films steal from other sources be it other movies or novels or TV or whatever.

So Inglourious Basterds is a mix of spaghetti western and that 70s-80s war machine shootapalooza (the soundtrack had that old 70s war music feel). And it works even as a "what if" alternate timeline flick. Movies are suppose to take you to a place which warps the real world. Where the impossible becomes possible. And I love those "What if the South won the civil war?" premises that sci fi authors like Harry Turtledove have created. Or what if we Germany did take over the world. And QT says what would happen if we had some Jewish soldiers slaughter dem Nazi bastards and try to take down Hitler.

What we get is just pure, relentless awesomeness. So much pure war brutality and harmonic dialogue that you've come to expect from Tarantino.

So let's get to the WTF list shall we? (spoilers obviously)

1.) The fact the switch from French to English is commented on
2.) Jew Bear
3.) The guy who played Hitler is hilarious
4.) QT's dialogue machine is very much butchered in the fact that most of it is done in French or German and it just doesn't feel the same
5.) STIGLITZ!!! (the Vincent character of IB)
6.) It's Ryan from the Office
7.) Was that Austin Powers undercover?
8.) So Eddie Murphy was potentially gonna play the black guy? (see IMDB trivia)
9.) I-talians
10.) People you thought would live, didn't. You're never safe in a QT flick
11.) Poor Wilhelm (he screamed)
12.) A Mexican standoff never gets old
13.) The scalping is so gore-ific
14.) The branding is painfully knife-tastic
15.) Hans Landa is probably one of the best villains....ever
16.) Pipe vs Pipe
17.) "You don't got to be Stonewall Jackson to know you don't want to fight in a basement."
18.) The bumrush to kill Hitler by Donowitz and Ulmer
19.) The slaughter in the theater
20.) Hitler's bullet ridden body bulleted again and again and again

21.) My random rant. Having seen this flick with mostly jabronis and a few geeks, you knew that the obvious fact that QT had to visually point out the Nazi authority baddies is brilliant. Goebbels, Goering... Not many know of the famous SS Nazis and 2nd in command other than Hitler.

I've seen all of Tarantino's movies and if I had to put a quick ranking it would go like this.

1.) Pulp Fiction
2.) Kill Bill Vol 1 and 2
3.) Inglourious Basterds
4.) Reservoir Dogs
5.) Jackie Brown
6.) Death Proof

Inglourious Basterds is a great flick, thru and thru written for the intellectuals, the fan boys and the masses. I mean it's rather talky, but the dialogue always builds up to a payoff and boy the payoffs just scream yay. I'm going to have to watch this again.

Labels: 2009 exploitation movies, 2009 grindhouse movies, inglourious basterds review, Kill Bill, pulp, quentin tarantino, the wtf list

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

There are times when a movie gets hyped so much, you really start asking is this movie actually going to live up to it? Well, District 9 is one of those movies. I went in clean when I saw this movie. I did not read any reviews, only watched the trailer and had no idea what the aliens really looked like. And what did I discover?

District 9 is an outstanding, awesome flick that does not disappoint.

I was blown away by the story, the believable characters and the mega-uber coolness of the blended CGI. It's been a while since I've seen a movie where the CGI was used in a effective way and actually made a character, a very lobstery prawn that is all CGI display human emotions.

Like I said before, I don't like reviewing mainstream Hollywood films so this post is similar to my Fuck You Chev Chelios! My thoughts on Crank 2 post and my first ever WTF List: G.I. Joe Edition.

The difference from this WTF list from the G.I. Joe edition is mostly the shit below is the stuff I was amazed by and reasons to see the flick.

Here ya go. Humans you're welcome!

1.) Really? They landed in Johannesburg? Not Des Moines?
2.) MESSAGE! You might not have noticed. But D9 is an allegory about apartheid in South Africa.
3.) Did you see that Michael Vick-like insect fighting ring?
4.) I really love fictional military Blackwater-like companies
5.) The war gore is war-tastic!
6.) Little prawns are super duper cute!
7.) Fun fact! Van Der Mere means typical stupid man in South African
8.) How did Wilkus learn to speak alienese? Is their a Rosseta Stone edition for that?
9.) I just expected Charlize Theron to show up
10.) Look at what you can do for 30 million dollars with existing technology...I'm talking to you James Cameron!
11.) I'm going to stock up on cat food in case we are visited from ETs
12.) That battle suit Robo-tech Master Chief suit kicked ass
13.) Mark my words: Christopher Johnson will have his own sequel
14.) The movie is very funny, so funny in fact this could have been a new TV show (ha ha you suck V)
15.) When fictional soldiers are being obliterated by scifi high tech weaponry, it gives me a happy
16.) D9 is Rambo but with 3rd world aliens being slaves to corporate defense contractors
17.) My name is [indistinct clicking noise]. I have the courage to Crave indulgence for
this important business believing that you will never let me down either now or in the future.I only ask for 10 million US dollars.....[oh those crazy Nigerian-alien scams!]
18.) I really did feel bad for every prawn killed in D9
19.) Neill Blomkamp has now entered the geek/fanboy lexicon
20.) Peter Jackson vs James Cameron: Peter Jackson is winner!

21.) Wow, an actual summer movie that didn't suck. Yay.

After coming out of the theater, some dude was asking if D9 was good. My friend and I started gushing that is was awesome yet some moviegoers actually didn't like the flick. Really? And all I could think of is that's the typical movie patron these days. Like zombies in Land of the Dead, if you light up the sky with fireworks they remain motionless and filled with thoughtless glee.

If it isn't about giant robots, underwater laser battles and doesn't have a gay dude in it, these jabronis won't like it.

OMG, it's a movie that makes you think. Can we just lock these people up in District 11?

Labels: d9 review, district 9, district 9 review, Neill Blomkamp, peter jackson, the wtf list

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post