the jaded viewer

Universal Soldier: Regeneration

Universal Soldier: Regeneration (2009)

Directed by John Hyams

[this review brought to you by Insano Steve, who has sleepless nights and reoccurring nightmares that Jean Claude Van Damme's bump on his head is out to attack him]

As you can probably tell from our rating system, Jean Claude Van Damme is the jadedviewer.com's favorite actor. Hard to believe that he's been around for over 22 years! That's a long time for an actor with so little acting ability. While most people probably gave up on JCVD in the late 1990s, he's been pumping out mediocre straight-to-video movies for over a decade. Let's take a look at his most recent movie ......

Boring Plot-O-Matic

When terrorists threaten nuclear catastrophe, the world's only hope is to reactivate decommissioned Universal Soldier Luc Deveraux...

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Universal Soldier: Regeneration is part 3 of the Universal Soldier series. Seeing how part 1 was a JCVD classic, and part 2 was his last legitimate theatrical release, my hopes were modestly high for part 3 here. Does it deliver? Well, my first impression, was not too good. As the opening credits rolled, I noticed that once again, all the actors seem to have Eastern European names. Sure looked like another of his "filmed in Bulgaria" crap-fests. And the video quality was camcorder quality. I know I watched a downloaded copy, but this shit was pretty bad.

As for the plot, a bunch of Russian terrorists kidnap the Russian Prime Minister's children. Deciding to up the ante, the terrorists then occupy the former Chernobyl nuclear power plant and threaten to detonate one of the old nuclear reactors. They do all of this to free their jailed comrades. You would think the kidnap of the children would be enough to get the job done. Nope. Apparently, in Russia, if you don't threaten to irradiate the population, the government doesn't take you seriously. But wait, that's not all. The terrorists also recruit a traitorous American scientist who brings along his next generation cyborg Universal Soldier (this model resembling a MMA fighter).

The American army finds out about this new UniSol, and decides to 'regenerate' a couple of 1st generation and send them in to fight the terrorists. These UniSols are quickly dispatched by the MMA soldier. The de-frosted UniSols are played by real puny looking actors to make MMA soldier look extra bad ass.

In the meantime, our hero, JCVD, is in a de-tox program to help former Universal Soldiers reacclimate back into society (sorta like Michael Vick's dogs). He's doing well, albeit he looks really old. His fighting skills have deteriorated and his grasp of the English language is marginal (not a real stretch for JCVD). However, left with no other recourse to deal with the new MMA UniSol, America decides they have to use JCVD. Once again, JCVD is forced to fight! Why was this America's problem anyway? I really don't know. It's always best not to ask too many questions of a JCVD plot.

Later, for some reason that I forget, the terrorists decide to defrost another old UniSol. This one played by our favorite Russian bad guy, Dolph Lundgren. Poor Dolph looks super-old in this movie. Even older than Van Damme. He's probably in the movie for 10 minutes despite being on the DVD cover. He spouts a few lines indicating he is now self-aware, and then proceeds to fight JCVD to the death. Technically, Dolph was playing a clone of the Dolph he played in part 1, who JCVD killed. You get that? How would you feel if somebody killed your clone? Really makes you think.

Meanwhile, the Russian Prime Minister chooses his children over the welfare of his country and gives in to the terrorists' demands. Way to go Russia! Nice government you have over there. The terrorists get their comrades freed, but decide "Fuck it, let's blow up the nuclear reactor anyway!". The terrorists proceed to set the detonator (with an impractically long countdown time) and leave the MMA fighter to ensure the explosion.

• Will JCVD reach the bomb in time?
• Will he do his patented spin kick?
  
• Will his stunt double perform a spin kick?
  
• What about the Prime Minister's kids? Who's gonna save those little fucker?

OK, I won't spoil it for you, ....

Gore-ipedia

Well this isn't a horror movie so not much gore. More like a bunch of MMA type moves and holds. They're decent, if you're into that sorta thing. Van Damme does kill Dolph by throwing a pipe through his forehead, then firing a shotgun through the hole. Good work Van Damme!

Nude-ipedia

T&A: Total sausage fest. I can't imagine a movie having less nudity than this. I'm not sure there was even a female in the movie.

WTF moment?!?

In all of the fights JCVD had, it was pretty apparent that he was using a stunt double. And when JCVD was fighting Dolph, it looked like they were using 2 stunt doubles! Poor JCVD. Kinda sad. Kinda funny. I guess it wasn't hard to find a stuntman who looks like JCVD (the back of his head anyway).

WTF moment 2!?!

While JCVD is in killing machine de-tox, he has a relapse in a cafe, and practically kills an elderly man minding his own business. JCVD just snaps while drinking a coffee, and beats the shit out of the old guy. Then leaves the cafe like nothing happened. Totally random. Totally awesome. As WTF as it gets.


The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

By any objective measure, Universal Soldier Regeneration is another below average action flick. Subjectively though, as bad it was on many levels, I enjoyed it. It's certainly better than most of his recent 'character action' movies. Due to the plot, Van Damme, does little acting (which is his weakness), And due to his advanced age (dude's pushing 50), his stunt double does most of the fighting. So in an ironic way, it's the best of both worlds. He can neither act nor fight. Yet somehow, he's still out there kicking ass!

So, as long as JCVD is gonna make movies where he (or some guy who resembles him) is spin kicking bad guys, you can be sure that I'll be watching. Oh, who am I kidding? JCVD could probably start doing gay porn, and I'd probably watch.

Rating:
Check out the trailer below.

Labels: JCVD, Jean Claude Van Damme, universal soldier 3, universal soldier regeneration trailer, van damme

Posted by the jaded viewer at 11:00 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

I wouldn't be the jaded viewer if I didn't inform (ahem force) you to know what was the latest movie of our beloved hero Jean Claude Van Damme. I told you about Karate, I told you about The Eagle Path and now we unleash the trailer for Universal Soldier 3: Regeneration!

Dolph Lundgren and UFC champ Andrei "The Pit Bull" Arlovski are tag team UniSoldiers against the one and only JCVD. Are you psyched? Are you mega psyched? Are you super mega psyched? We here at the jaded viewer are super duper mega psyched times infinity!!!

This comes out in theaters on..oops sorry my bad. The DVD comes out on January 5th 2010. Sigh.

Here be the plot (in case you forgot or sorta cared)

A crazed Chechen nationalist, BASAYEV, seizes control of Chernobyl, site of the infamous nuclear meltdown, and threatens to unleash a radioactive cloud unless his nationalist blackmail demands are met.

LUC DEVERsEAUX (Jean-Claude Van Damme) joins a U.S. team of revived UniSoldiers secretly held in deep storage. Their mission: retake Chernobyl and disable explosives that will unleash the radioactive clouds. Luc is surprised when he finds one of the reactivated UniSoldiers is a clone of his old Sergeant, ANDREW SCOTT (Dolph Lundgren). But the cloned Andrew has no recollection of Luc.

As the team furiously battles its way into the Chernobyl plant, they are caught off guard. Using a mind-control chip, Baseyev turns Andrew against his own comrades. Now surrounded, wounded, and out-numbered, Luc must battle Andrew, and save the world.

OK enough of the chatter. Here's the trailer!! Woohoo!!!





Thanks to Twitch, JoBlo and a few other sites for the heads up.

If that wasn't enough Van Damme for you, check out some awesome related linkage.

jaded viewer related linkage:

JCVD (Review)
Top 10 Scenes in Bloodsport
Top 10 Villains from Jean Claude Van Damme Movies
Bloodsport Kumite Brackets
Rewind: The Greatest Martial Arts Fighting Tournament Movie Ever Made
The Eagle Path (Teaser)
the jaded viewer's spinkick rating system

Labels: bloodsport, chong li, JCVD, Jean Claude Van Damme, kumite brackets, the eagle path, the eagle path trailer, universal soldier 3, universal soldier regeneration trailer, van damme

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Well after the slight success of my Top 10 Villains from Arnold Schwarzenegger Movies, I figured I should topple the filmography of our beloved jaded viewer hero Jean Claude Van Damme. This list was little harder to compile from Arnold's because, well JCVD baddies are not as memorable as Ahnuld's.

Also there is the fact that I am biased for theatrical JCVD films compared to straight to DVD JCVD. But I pushed onward and came up with the list below. Each of these uber villains are defeated in a climactic battle of spinkicks, punches and HGH fueled mega battles which makes all these super evil doers much more memorable.

On to the list!

Top 10 Villains from Jean Claude Van Damme Movies


10.) Bison

From: Street Fighter

Van Damme played Guile as we know and it's hard to take him seriously playing the Joe with his UN centric accent.

But the late Raul Julia, complete in the video game Bison costume is pretty hilarious as the meglomaniacal Bison. He spews out awful dialogue and gets his ass whupped by the scissor spinkicks of Guile.

Remember this is the movie where the hot Aussie singer Kylie Minogue plays Cammy!

Check out the final battle scene.



9.) Garrotte

From: Replicant

JCVD has made alot of movies where he plays an evil or asshole version of himself. So you have to rank Garrotte, a serial killer with Ray Ban sunglasses, long hair and a leather coat as the greatest "twin" JCVD has played as a villain. Garrotte kills women and kids and sets them on fire. Damn.

Replicant was the first of many STV Van Damme flicks and it's an actual good film.

The final battle scene as the replicant battles his original evil self is awesome.

Check out the final battle scene.


8.) Senator Aaron McComb

From: Timecop

Ahh the evil politician. The senator goes to great lengths to manipulate the space/time continuum so he can become President of the US. Sen. McComb bribes and kills and manipulates everybody in the Time Enforcement Commission but when he threatens Sloane, that's when Max Walker draws the line.

His death is by far one of the best in any JCVD films as Walker tells the Senator:

"Same matter can't occupy same space"

See the result by heading here. (3:48 in)


7.) Emil Fouchon

From: Hard Target

Should Emil Fouchon be ranked higher? Maybe. He's more eviler than many of the others on this list as he kills homeless war veterans for sport. He even looks cooler with doves flying and in double gun wielding slo mo action scenes.

He's a downright, evil douchebag but thanks to Chance, he doesn't stand a -...I was about to make a bad pun. Sorry.

"Hunting season is over"

Check out all the action scenes here.




6.) Himself

From: JCVD

Ahh yes. The old WTF spot on this list. I threw a curveball with this one right?

Well in JCVD he recites a solid 7 min speech about his utter self destruction from women, drugs and his character. This results in his outcast from the Hollywood system and the rise of straight to DVD, filmed in Bulgaria Van Damme.

And you can't deny the fact that he, himself was his biggest enemy in JCVD. Not the bank robbers or the media or the cops.

Check out the monologue here.


5.) The Sandman

From: Death Warrant

A psycho if there ever was one. He is the muscle behind the illegal human organ harvesting at one Harrison Penitentiary.

"Welcome to hell!"

Though its hard to believe the other prisoners just allowed him to leave after killing the Sandman.

The final battle scene is awesome.

4.) Cynthia/Atilla

From: Lionheart

Well it's a co #4 on this one. Cynthia is the evil bitch behind the illegal human fighting tournaments and Atilla is the ringer they bring in to take down Lionheart.

We're an equal opportunity villain lister here at the jaded viewer, so Cynthia's evil multi millionaire human cock fighting investment can't be ignored.

Because Leo couldn't "choke a bitch", he had to go all spinkicky on Atila on a tennis court.

See the end right here.


3.) Andrew Scott/GR13

From: Universal Soldier

You knew Dolph was gonna be on this list. And as Andrew Scott aka GR13, he's one of the most sympathetic characters as shit, he's fuckin dead and got reanimated.

But then he goes all postal and and seeks retribution.

Soldiers who go all rampagy get ranked high here and as he's a professional soldier with high tech weaponry, he's more bad ass than anybody on this list.

"Are we having fun yet?"

Check out the trailer.



2.) Tong Po

From: Kickboxer

Tong Po goes for the movie juggular as he paralyzes Kurt Sloane's brother Eric. Don't mess with fuckin family. Of course this leads to an awesome 80s training montage and a final epic, to the death fight scene. A couple of spinkicks later, Tong Po is knocked the fuck out.

But why is Tong Po ranked so high? Because he actually KILLED Kurt and Eric Sloane at the beginning of Kickboxer 2!!!!

(well off screen of course).

That fact alone jumps him to #2 as he technically won.

Watch the trailer.

1.) Chong Li

From: Bloodsport

Chong Li was the obvious choice for the #1 Van Damme villain. He threatens Dux, comatoses Ray Jackson, kills one of the fighter and *gasp* dishonors the Kokoruki elders and their traditions. And he fuckin cheats.

The resume speaks for himself.

And the final fight is an epic Van Damme action sequence for the ages. You just can't top it.

Chong Li is cocky, egotistical and brutal. What more do you want? And I think he played a North Korean.

Hey the brick didn't hit back but Dux made you say uncle. So there.

Here are the Top 10 Scenes in Bloodsport.

This list has some good evil villains from Van Damme movies too but the rankings are way off in my opinion. But it includes a couple of characters I have left off.

Next up, sidekicks edition. Stay tuned!

Labels: bloodsport, JCVD, JCVD review, Jean Claude Van Damme, universal soldier 3, van damme

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

If your a loyal follower of the jaded viewer, you know we are devoted Jean Claude Van Damme fans. So we HAVE to give you obligatory JCVD news feeds.

Thanks to Insano Steve for sending over a link and plot summary to JCVD's new movie, Karate. This flick for a while was entitled "The Pit Bull". First, lets discuss the poster. He's shirtless, behind a gate and it's got the tagline:

"Can the master of the ancient arts conquer the caged fighters of Las Vegas?"

Looks like Van Damme wants to kick the shit out of some MMA fighters. It's the Kumite meets the the UFC. A lot of people are saying it's very Kickboxer-ish, which would be a good thing as it shows JCVD is getting back to his roots.

After JCVD, I didn't know what we'd get from the Muscles from Brussels. Thank the Kokoruki clan, he's going back to where it all started.

Here be the plot from the official site. It will come out sometime in 2010.

A legendary karate world champion (Van Damme), known as The Piston because of the speed of his legs, is famous and wealthy and has the martial arts world as his feet. But his ego takes control and his world begins to crumble around him. He loses his family and his life goes into a downward spiral. Before long, this one time champion is living like a bum on the streets of Los Angeles.

Then, the Piston meets KK, an internet fight promoter. KK has a dream... to find a fighter good enough to win the prestigious freestyle mega fighting championship in Las Vegas. The Piston returns to his karate roots in Japan to find the fighting edge he needs to become a champion again. He comes back to Las Vegas for his make it or break it fight, for the fight of his life in the cage against the undefeated young champion from New York The Bulldozer.

This classic, gritty, riches-to-rags-to-riches story has a heartfelt, nail-biting, edge-of-your-seat finale. It is one of the greatest fight movies of all time, appealing to a wide-ranging, new-generation audience and especially to the millions of karate and martial arts fans around the world who are hungry for a new martial arts epic in the tradition of Bloodsport

JCVD's next movie of course is Universal Soldier 3: The Next Generation. US3 reunites JCVD and Dolph Lundgren. Here be the plot....(thanks to Shockya.com)

A crazed Chechen nationalist, BASAYEV, seizes control of Chernobyl, site of the infamous nuclear meltdown, and threatens to unleash a radioactive cloud unless his nationalist blackmail demands are met.

LUC DEVERsEAUX (Jean-Claude Van Damme) joins a U.S. team of revived UniSoldiers secretly held in deep storage. Their mission: retake Chernobyl and disable explosives that will unleash the radioactive clouds. Luc is surprised when he finds one of the reactivated UniSoldiers is a clone of his old Sergeant, ANDREW SCOTT (Dolph Lundgren). But the cloned Andrew has no recollection of Luc.

As the team furiously battles its way into the Chernobyl plant, they are caught off guard. Using a mind-control chip, Baseyev turns Andrew against his own comrades. Now surrounded, wounded, and out-numbered, Luc must battle Andrew, and save the world.

Are you getting psyched? Super psyched? Mega psyched?

With The Eagle Path soon to be released, JCVD now out on DVD is 2009 the year of the Van Damme?

Labels: bloodsport, dolph lundgren, JCVD, Jean Claude Van Damme, karate, karate poster, kickboxer, the eagle path, universal soldier 3, van damme

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

A new extended trailer has been released for The Eagle Path, the new character action movie from the muscles from Brussels, Jean Claude Van Damme.

We still have no fuckin idea when this is going to get released but I love how the new trailer sums up the plot to obliterate people so that he can rescue a women (who I think is a hooker).

He then recruits a bunch of his buddies to help him.

Hmm, maybe this is why Jean Claude turned down The Expendables. Maybe this movie is like Stallone's. But whereas The Expendables is testosterone, roided up action porn, JCVD's looks to be the Skinemax equivelant.

If you forgot the plot, see below.

A military veteran and former mercenary, Frenchy (Van Damme) works as a taxi driver, hiding somewhere in East Asia, haunted by his past. After his driving shifts he often frequents the Eagle's Nest, a seedy bar that houses a caged eagle. In the midst of the chaotic Asian traffic Frenchy picks up a beautiful female passenger who will change him forever.

Driven by dark memories of his childhood, he becomes determined to improve her life and, without her approval, he embarks on a journey which proves to be more dangerous and complicated then he expected. After encountering a series of harrowing obstacles he calls in favors from his special ops friends who immediately join him. His military team engages in the biggest fight of their lives. War is hell, but nothing they've done could have prepared them for this.

It’s an adrenaline-fueled, full-on, maximum firepower thriller, filled with the intense psychological conflict that Van Damme fans love the world over.

Check out the new, longer full extended trailer below.

Labels: action cinema, bloodsport, character action, guns, JCVD, Jean Claude Van Damme, the eagle path, the eagle path teaser trailer, the eagle path trailer, van damme

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:06 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

It's always a big event here at the jaded viewer when a new Jean Claude Van Damme movie looms over the horizon. JCVD is back in The Eagle Path, a movie he wrote, edited and directed.

I mean look at that fuckin poster! He's holding a damn hand cannon.

And the freakin tagline is: Haunted By The Past, His Vengeance Knows No Limits.

OH FUCKIN YEAH HIS VENGEANCE KNOWS NO FUCKIN LIMITS!!!!

He's Jean Claude Van Damme!

Trailer looks pretty "character action" oriented. Just the way JCVD likes it. Lots of car chases, double fisting Woo-ish gun battles and a freakin eagle.

What's not to like?

Check out the plot.

A military veteran and former mercenary, Frenchy (Van Damme) works as a taxi driver, hiding somewhere in East Asia, haunted by his past. After his driving shifts he often frequents the Eagle's Nest, a seedy bar that houses a caged eagle. In the midst of the chaotic Asian traffic Frenchy picks up a beautiful female passenger who will change him forever.

Driven by dark memories of his childhood, he becomes determined to improve her life and, without her approval, he embarks on a journey which proves to be more dangerous and complicated then he expected. After encountering a series of harrowing obstacles he calls in favors from his special ops friends who immediately join him. His military team engages in the biggest fight of their lives. War is hell, but nothing they've done could have prepared them for this.

It’s an adrenaline-fueled, full-on, maximum firepower thriller, filled with the intense psychological conflict that Van Damme fans love the world over.

The Eagle Path will be premiering at Cannes and TIFF this summer.

Check out the trailer below. Thanks to Twitch for the heads up.





Check out this site for more information.

Labels: action cinema, bloodsport, character action, guns, JCVD, Jean Claude Van Damme, the eagle path, the eagle path teaser trailer, the eagle path trailer, van damme

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

[originally posted on leftoverthoughts.com on 7/7/02]

The Greatest Martial Arts Fighting Tournament Movie Ever Made

Part I

What movie are the following quotes from?

"OK USA!"
"You Jackson?? You look like a Jackson."
"You are NEXT!"
"You break my record, now I break you, like I break your friend!"
"Very good. But brick not hit back!"
"Time to separate the men from the boys."
"Just be sure Chong Li doesn't separate your head from you body."
"Don't make us use fifty-thousand volts on you, Frank."
"What the hell's a Dim Mac?"
"Aren't you a little young for full contact?"
"Aren't you a little old for video games?"
"Yes, Hong Kong is a very exciting city."
"No, It's Dux" "Yeah like put up your dukes? Right?"
"Someday, I'm going to fight in the Kumite and make my father proud" "
I'm glad your on our side kid"
"No.....bottom one"

So many more quotes to list. I could go on and on. If you haven't guessed already, all these quotes are from the greatest movie ever...and i mean ever made about a secret illegal human cockfighting tournament.

It's Bloodsport!

Starring Jean Claude Van Damme as Frank Dux. This is the movie that started the martial arts tournament video game craze. This is the movie that spawned Street Fighter, Mortal Kombat and countless other fighting games.

If they had only made Bloodsport into a video game. Look at the characters you would have gotten to play with.

1.) Frank Dux: He would have probably been the best player in the game. A cross b/w Ken and Ryu. No fireballs though. Only a Dim Mak.
Finishing Move: Spin Kick

2.) Chong Li: He should be the best character. He would be Gen. Bison like. Ultimately he would kick and kill everybody in the game.
Finishing move: Some sort of death my punch in the face move

3.) Ray Jackson: Dux's Hell's Angel friend. (Donald Gibb was Ogre in "Revenge of the Nerds")

4.) Hossein: He was Dux's first win int he Kumite.

5.) Paco: Dux beat him in the semifinals.

6.) Prang: Chong Li killed him in the semifinals (i think)

7.) Tanaka: Dux's Shidoshi (teacher)

Other fighters that could have been in the game

8.) Hiro
9.) Oshima
10.) Shingo (Dux's childhood friend that died)
11.) Gustafson
12.) Toon
13.) Chuan
14.) Parades
15.) Pumola
16.) Morra
17.) Yasuda
18.) Cocard
19.) Luu
20.) Aussie

At least 20 fighters could have been in this game. Alas, there were no Playstation's, Xboxes or GameCubes back in 1988. The least they can do now is put this movie on DVD.

Also there are so many unanswered questions in this movie. But that will be covered in Part 2.

Part II

On to my nitpicky, but thought provoking questions about Van Damme, Bloodsport, the Kumite, etc.?

1.) Some people say the Kumite fighters were matched up as red belts versus yellow belts? Is this true?

2.) How did Ray Jackson get an invitation to the Kumite? I mean are the Hell's Angels on the invite list of the Kokoruki Clan?

3.) If the Kumite is so secret how come the blonde reporter knew about it?

4.) Does anybody have or knows of the bracket/match system for the Kumite? How many competitors actually were invited? Did certain fighters get bye's into the quarters?

[Early this year, somebody on Wikipedia actually did it. Check it out.]

5.) We all know Chong Li was not North Korean. However is throwing Fuji dust legal in the Kumite? It must be, the ref saw it. Could Chong Li have used weapons? Say some numchucks were tossed onto the ramp, could he have beaten up Dux w/ it?

6.) How did they post those fighter signs and world record signs so fast? Are there time keepers? I mean is there a Kumite historian watching the fight? Can I meet this guy?

7.) The Kumite ref is freakin useless. It's full contact. No rules. I mean Chong Li killed a guy. I think the ref should have penalized Chong Li. At least given him a warning if he killed anybody else he would be disqualified or at least fined.

8.) You'd think the Hong Kong police would be quite suspicious that all these grown, musclehead men (many of them Westerners) were turning up in the hospital with bruises, broken bones and psychological trauma. Were they bribed? Do they have an alliance with the police?

9.) What happened to Tanaka's kid?

The kid who said: 'One day I'm gonna fight in the Kumite and make my father proud."

He mysteriously died. Did those bullies beat him up like the day after Dux saved him. And then Tanaka adopted Dux. What did Dux's parents have to say about this? Tanaka was torturing Dux and making him do household chores, cleaning, serving tea. We have a right to know.

10.) Finally, If the next Kumite is held in 2003 (it's held every 5 years) will there be Bloodsport: The Return? Van Damme has to make this. He must make this. We need this film. Somebody should inform Van Damme that Daniel Bernhardt ruined his breakthrough movie.

Tags:
bloodsport, kumite , jcvd , jean claude van damme, chong li, Martial Arts Fighting Tournament , top action movies, frank dux, gratuitous nudity, street fighter, dim mak, , mmo,

Labels: bloodsport, chong li, frank dux, JCVD, Jean Claude Van Damme, kumite brackets, kumite tournament brackets, ray jackson, spinkicks, van damme

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Well it was about time somebody did it.


Glad it wasn't me. We here at jadedviewer.com love Van Damme. Hell our ratings system is based on Frank Dux spinkicks. So when Insano Steve sent me this link, I was speechless and overjoyed.


On Wikipedia's Bloodsport entry, somebody put together the tournament brackets for the Kumite.


YES!!!!

Kudos. Much applause and clapping from me.


Do you realize how hard that was to do?

Somebody had to watch Bloodsport over and over again and then during the cheesy 80's Kumite fight scene montage, they had to meticulously write down each fighter's name, who they fought and how it all fit in tournament style.


The bracket is filled with lots of info. As we do not see every fight of the 3 day Kumite and every fighter is not named (on that scoreboard with the lights), the writer had to come up with classic nicknames such as:


Leotard Guy

Kung Fu Guy

Black Karate

Kickboxer Guy

Tattooed Guy


and


Angry Midget



The best part of the entire bracket is the asterick (*) next to Chuan Mung as *RIP.


AWESOME!!!

Labels: bloodsport, chong li, frank dux, kumite brackets, kumite tournament brackets, van damme

Posted by the jaded viewer at 10:38 PM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

I wanted to explain our rating system so going forward everybody good get a clear understanding of what we think is good and what is utter shit.

As I am a big fan of Jean Claude Van Damme, (even his shitty straight to DVD movies) the rating system is based on Van Damme spin kicks.



The Van Damme spin kick, first seen in the movie BloodSport is lethal and a most potent weapon (other than the infamous Dim-Mak) in the arsenal of Frank Dux. In the course of the final match between Frank Dux and Chong Li, Dux connects on 4 spinkicks to finish off Chong Li. Though, he makes Chong Li say "Uncle" and wins the Kumite via submission, it's the spin kick that enables Dux to get the win.

So our rating system is born.

Below you will find what each rating means.


4 Spin kicks

Rating:

If we give a movie 4 spin kicks, it basically means this movie is beyond awesome. It beckons the good horror of old. It's STRONGLY, HIGHLY recommended. It's so good, you wanna slap your momma. It's totally kick ass with an extra side of whoopass. It makes you want to blow some shit up. This is the movie than will change your life. It's so good, you should quit your job and watch this movie everyday for your entire life. After watching this movie, you've been spinkicked into a submission of awesomness.



3 Spin kicks

Rating:

If we give a movie 3 spin kicks, it basically means this movie is awesome. It's recommended but not too highly. It's so good, you wanna slap your pappa. It's totally kick ass without the extra side. It makes you want to blow some shit up (but in a controlled environment). This is the movie than will change your life (for about a good month). It's so good, you should quit your job and watch this movie everyday for your entire life (then apply for another job). After watching this movie, you'll be spinkicked into an awesome euphoria (sorta like if you were on schrooms).

2 Spin kicks

Rating:

If we give a movie 2 spin kicks, it basically means this movie is ok. It's recommended but I would think twice about whether you should see this movie or pay your rent. It's good, you wanna slap your sista. It's kick ass but it might be you who's ass gets kicked. It makes you want to blow some shit up (possibly your neighbor's mailbox). This is the movie that WILL NOT change your life. You might as well have spent some money on some Ramen or a slice of pizza. After watching this movie, you'll be spinkicked into reality in 2 hours (or 80 min depending on the running time).


1Spinkick

Rating:

If we give a movie 1 spin kick, it basically means this movie is utter shit. It's NOT recommended at all and you should start an internet petition for others to not see this piece of garabge either. It's so bad, you wanna slap your self for seeing it. It's doesn't kick ass and you should kick your own ass for watching this vile piece of celluloid. It makes you want to blow yourself up (and possibly even gouge your eyes out so you will never have to watch movies again). This is the movie that will make you vomit for a full hour. After watching this movie, you'll be spinkicked into watching chick flicks.

0 Spinkicks

If we give a movie 0 spin kicks, it basically means this movie is completely utter shit and I will hunt down the director and skull fuck him. After seeing this movie, suicide is taken under serious consideration. The movie might make you jump off a bridge. After watching this movie, death should be highly considered.

I hope this rating system is helpful for all going forward. If you have any suggestions, please use the comments below to chime in.

Tags:
ratings, ratings system , jadedviewer , horror movies, spinkicks ,Jean Claude Van Damme, bloodsport

Labels: bloodsport, dim-mak, ratings system, spinkicks, van damme

Posted by the jaded viewer at 9:04 PM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post