Wow this was just terri-awful. Just outright fuckin dumb. Everything about this movie made me want to kick myself in the groin, rip out my eyeballs and ramble obscenities at my TV for having watched this atrocity on film.
Random tourists (Americans and Irish and Brits folks) and some archeologist with a blonde hottie (Nora-Jane Noone who was in The Descent) converge on a cabin in the woods in Ireland. Yada yada yada they meet up with a hunter played by Vinnie fuckin Jones.
Seems like their is some sort of legend about bog bodies and these bodies come to life and look like Kane from the WWE.
Let me say this. I've never seen a bog. Seems like a puddle of muddy water to me. How you can possibly a justify a movie about bog bodies coming to life is unfuckinbelievable. This flick is 90 minutes of annoying people doing dumb shit.
Even Vinnie Jones was outright shitty in this.
Nothing redeemable in this flick. No nudity, no gore, no splatter, no suspense. Nada. Legend of the Bog is one of those flicks you'll see at the $5 DVD bin at Walmart where you may be tempted to buy it. DON'T!!!!!
The 3 B's. Bikers, Beer and Booty. That's the philosophy behind The Victors gang. I especially like the booty part.
Lots of booty. And girls. Naked big breasted girls. It was a multicultural smorgasboard of biker babes and strippers.
So much hotness, you can get easily confused. It was like being on nudity heroin.
But once you become sober, you begin to realize that Hell Ride gives you full frontal and nothing else.
And in my opinion, you can't call that a movie.
Executive produced by the one and only Quentin Tarantino, and directed by Larry Bishop (a legendary biker movie director), this modern day update of 70s biker movies. Seriously, I'm no expert in this genre but in the 21st century, this is the one grindhouse subgenre that just doesn't translate well.
And that shortcoming doesn't even bring up the main fuck up of this movie.
It's all style and no substance.
Boring Plot-O-Matic
The story deals with the characters Pistolero, the Gent and Comanche and the deadly, unfinished business among them.
Awesome Review-O-Matic
I think there were more scenes of bikers and babes fucking than bikers vs bikers in shootouts. Let me doublecheck. Yup. That's right.
For every scene where Bishop tries to write some Tarantino-ish dialogue (which can be summed up in a lengthy "fire"innuendo between our main dude Pistolero and his bikette) we get our Victors enjoying the fruits of their labor.
Be it in a hippie bonfire commune with a belly of naked hotties or in a midwest fashion show of silicon enhanced chicks mud wrestling. As much as I love scenes filled with 120% gratuitous nudity, you figure you'd get your even distribution of fancy, ridiculous shootouts with massive explosions. And I especially like my shootouts and bike chases with some plot that keeps me entertained.
The characters of Pistolero (Bishop), the Gent (Madsen) and Commanche (Eric Balfour) are entertaining and slick suited, but at 70 minutes you're not really gonna go into back story which might have elevated this movie into some memorable lines. We even get a cameo from Eddie Zero (Dennis Hopper) which just seems like it was way too homage-y.
Our main adversaries for the Victors are the Six Six Six (Sixers) gang who led by The Deuce (David "Kill Bill" Carradine) and Billy Wings (Vinnie Jones). And they weren't that even fuckin intimidating. The fuckin Guardian Angels could kick their ass.
Some revenge plot or some shit is thrown in and a mysterious safe desposit box generates some deux ex machina.
Whatever.
Even the climactic ending was well, without a climax.
The best part of Hell Ride is the gratuitous nudity. I can't believe I wrote that. But it's true. It looks like a overmaxed Tarantino film but not filled with the detail that you would get from QT. Even in a short 60 minutes, QT's Death Proof gave you hottie characters in a time warped muscle car movie.
Ehhh. What a big disappointment. Bikes. Beer. Booty and Babes. How could that not turn out good?
Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)
Throat slicing Gunshot wounds Arrow trauma Headshots Beheading Fire killing
Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)
Nudy magazine nudity Hippie girl nudity (some full frontal) Biker girl nudity (some full frontal) Stripper nudity (some full frontal) Cherokee Indian girl nudity Asian girl nudity (full frontal) Girl on Girl action Hot oil wrestling girl on girl action Punk rock girl nudity
WTF moment Just seeing a hot Filipina chick go full frontal made me go....WTF!?!?! Awesome.
The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis
Some style, no substance. Just because Quentin Tarantino's name is on this, don't see it if you think you're gonna see Death Proof but with choppers.
But fuck, if you wanna see some old guys ride bikes, fuck hotties and stage lame ass shootouts, go right ahead.
You know you just wanna watch for the gratuitous nudity anyway.
Wow, just a truly awesome-tastic horror gem. Possibly one of the best horror movies of the year.
So what did you need to pull of this feat?
You needed legendary Versus/Alive/Azumi director Ryuhei Kitamura. You needed a short story from horror writer Clive Barker (this little gem was a short from his Books of Blood series), a nifty screenplay by Jeff Buhler and some love from the horror community.
No thanks to Lion's Gate who decided to midnight movie and dollar themed this flick into theatrical oblivion.
But they did put up the loot.
TMMT is going to be a super duper horror cult classic, where it will play at midnight shows because people will WANT to see it. It hits all the right notes, leaving everybody scarred, bruised, sliced and diced and ultimately fuckin dead.
Rock on.
Boring Plot-O-Matic
A photographer hunts down a serial killer. Based on Clive Barker's short story "Midnight Meat Train"
Awesome Review-O-Matic
Leon (Bradley Cooper) is a struggling photographer who wants to caption the essence of a vague metro city. Encouraged by his girlfriend Maya (Leslie Bibb who's quite a hotty) ,his friend Jurgis (Robert Bart) and a gallery artist played by Brooke Shields he ventures out to the city subway system to get gritty photos of life untouched.
We venture with Leon as he unravels the puzzle of a mysterious butcher (Vinnie Jones), who he follows and eventually witnesses the madman as he kills passengers on the train.
Why is he doing this?
Could it be he was bullied when he was young? A mysterious tape he watched? Does he want to show his victims that life is meaningful by creating elaborate traps? Or is it some other bullshit motive?
Nah. It's fuckin fun. Well he does have a real motive but that's not revealed til the "gotcha" ending. And I'm more than happy that the motive was told to me at the end. It would just have gotten in the way of the awesome scenes of carnage by our crazy butcher killer.
And we get plenty of them. Gorehounds refuckin joice. So many great scenes of slaughter it was horror-gasms one right after another. Decaps here, beheadings over there. Meat hook traumas, ocular traumas, you'd think you were watching fast food nation.
All mega major horror cylinders were hit. So synchronized to perfection. And we have to thank Kitamura and Barker for being on their game on this one.
Let's start with Kitamura. What you loved about Versus, Alive and Azumi are all blended into a liquid shake of horror gooeyness. Offbeat angles, frenzy camera work and hyper kinetic movement are all in play. Scenes are set up like Edward Munch like paintings. A cinematographer's wet dream.
A POV shot of a kill is done so well, I was cheering like I hit a game winning shot.
In the climatic final action sequence, the camera moves from in the subway car, to out of it, then back in all the while still capturing the gory fight.
The film paces nicely, chiming in with dialogue to push the plot but then making the audience engulfed in the suspense. Yes, people get chased, people hide from our dastardly killer. It's all cat and mouse, but most of the scenes Kitamura shows us are the cat totally fucking up the mice.
Poor mice.
Clive Barker's story is cleverly classic Barker. Like a good book, it's all about the buildup until the end where we are given an explanation and an ending that turns everything upside down. I realized what the ending would be 30 minutes in, but it's still pretty mini decent.
But the scene stealer has got to be the menace that is Vinnie Jones. He plays the killer butcher (he's credited as Mahogany) to a tee. A Gump like, suit wearing, leather bag carrying killer who remains SILENT throughout the flick.
His main weapon of choice: a meat pounder and hook.
And boy does he do a lot of fuckin damage with it.
TMMT just reinvigorated my horror adrenaline and cravings. It's by far one of the best horror movies of the year. And the sad part is not a lot of people are going to be able to see this little masterpiece until Lion's Gate releases it on DVD.
But if you get a chance to go to a midnight showing or dollar theatre matinee, support this little gem. It's worth more than a dollar, that's for sure.
Influences
Clive Barkers novels and short stories 80s classic horror Grindhouse horror tinged movies
Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)
Meat hammer trauma 3D Ocular trauma Meat hook to the balls Decapitations Barnacle gooyness Human butchery Stab wound to the neck Knife through the mouth Gunshot through the eye Arm decaps Leg decaps Gallons of blood Slicing and dicing GORE GORE GORE!!!!
Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)
A side boob from Leslie Bibb Some dead victim boobies
WTF moment
That POV kill scene (it was soooooooooo good) The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis
I'm blushing. It's so refreshing to see a movie that crosses the line, draws a new line then crosses that one too. I hope Kitamura goes the Takashi Miike route and dabbles making a couple of english language movies.
It's been so long since we had a Clive Barker fueled horror film, I think we now have to support Book of Blood as well.
OK, I'm going to go ahead and fuckin say it. The Midnight Meat Train is one of the Top 5 horror movies of 2008.
Now support this little turd so we can get more of the same.
Legend of the Bog 
