the jaded viewer

Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead

Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead (2009)

Directed by Declan O'Brien

In the first few minutes of Wrong Turn 3, we get full grade A boobies, pot smoking and ocular trauma. You gotta give a film its props for following all the cliches of a cannibal redneck horror film in its initial opening scene.

But that's where it slowly tumbles downhill. But that's not to say the tumble isn't fun. The thing about Wrong Turn 3 is your enjoying yourself while all the characters start dropping one by one. At the bottom of the hill however is a pile of corpses and you can't believe you actually witnessed this stinking pile of crap.


1.) So have we seen this before?

Yuppers. And I reviwed plenty of these flicks. See Dismal: Eat or be Eaten, The Cottage, Dying Breed, Gnaw and Offspring.

2.) Is Three Fingers back in this one?

Yah dude. And in this one he's like mega indestructable. I mean this hillybilly can survive gunshots to the chest, hooks to the brain and sharp poles in the stomach. WTF?!? Are their druids involved? Is his heart made out of black ooze? Does he control dream demons?

3.) I heard the plot is about of convicts and correction officers that have to survive against Three Fingers...so is there nudity in this?

Aside from the opening scene and some dead victim boobage, that sums up your Nude-ipedia.

4.) The token black guy totally dies tokenly...right?

Dude. Was there any doubt?

5.) I heard from another review that there are some Saw like kills in this flick. I love Saw so I'm going to put this on top of my Netflix que right after I search for porn. Is this true?

Correct-o-mundo. Here be your Gore-ipedia. I'm not sure how its possible for a redneck, cannibal inbred motherfucker to design Jigsaw like traps. I mean he's got a slice and dice trap, a sickle boobie trap, some wooden spikes trap and a barbwire type thingy. Who the fuck is this guy? Does he go to engineering school for trap making for the hideously deformed?

6.) So after watching the trailer, there seems to be some awesome splatter and gore. I like splatter and gore because I'm mentally unstable. Does that mean I'll like WT3?

Well Mr. Unstable, I thought some of the gore scenes were pretty solid. Ocular trauma, pole in the mouth, pole in the mouth exiting out of the anus, road barbwire trauma. But the movie includes the WORST FUCKIN CGI I have seen...well since Dismal: Eat or be Eaten. Did these movies go the the 99 cents store of CGI? It's almost laughable...well because it is laughable.

7.) I heard from my friend's mother's uncle's half brother's priest's cousin once removed roommate that there is a scene of Convict vs Redneck ultimate battle? Really?

Yeah it almost as bad as watching the Yankees vs Phillies in the World Series.

8.) The NAACP told me this film is racist and sexist. I'd like to know. Is it?

Well you got a Mexican convict, a white skinhead and a convict that probably should be on to Catch a Predator...oh yeah all the white people all survive...so yeah its racist and sexist. Plus the portrayal of inbred, cannibal redneck Americans from West Virgina isn't true at all. They only say that only a few West Virginians are inbred, cannibal rednecks. Let's clear up the facts. West Virginia accounts for all 100% inbred, cannibal rednecks in America. So the point is you should never EVER go to West Virginia...or you will die.

9.) Final girl goes all final girly?

C'mon now...you know the answer to your own question.

10.) Wildly ambiguous ending that can be used to warrant a sequel?

Wow. The film throws a happy ending than explodes a WTF moment ending right after. I've never seen such balls to initiate a wildly ambiguous ending to warrant a sequel.

If you have any other questions, go and ahead and comment and I'll answer them in the most sarcastic and preposterous way possible.

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

So I'm going to give this 2 spinkicks. Remember, I'm grading on a curve. It's only 90 minutes and somehow spawned logic questions of..."How did Three Fingers survive a hook to the head, getting burned alive and then somehow getting ahead of the speeding getaway car?".

Yes horror minions, it's so dumb and stupid you probably will loose a few brain cells watching Wrong Turn 3. It's like moonshine on celluloid. But that doesn't stop us from taking a swig of this foul tasting concoction.

Rating:

Tags:
wrong turn 3, incest death squad review , wrong turn 3 left for dead , horror movie 2009, redneck cannibal movies, horror blog, gratuitous nudity

Labels: cannibal films, cannibals, rednecks, wrong turn, wrong turn 2, wrong turn 3, wrong turn 3 review

Posted by the jaded viewer at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Intro:

And the list continues! We're going to now count down the Top 10 Horror/Underground Movies of 2007. This is the complete list. Kinda weird I split this up into 2 posts but whatever. I mean our rating system is spinkicks right? So what you gonna do?

To recap, here are #10 to #5 with spinkick rating.

jadedviewer.com's Top 10 Horror/Underground/Hollywood/Cult/Splatter/Gore Movies of 2007


10.) Vacancy (3 spinkicks)

It's not everyday you see Kate Beckinsale in a movie not involving vampires and also it's not everyday you see Luke Wilson not being the normal guy in an awful shitty comedy.

But put them both together in a slick little horror flick involving a motel in the middle of nowhere with some crazed up snuff videos and killers that are resilient and cunning and you get to watch a nice little thrill ride with some supsense and twists.

It's pretty much a "what the fuck movie!?" as the escape makes you second guess next time you pull into a Motel 7.






9.) Black Sheep (3 spinkicks)

Well I had to have a horror-omedy on the list and this be it. I mean what can you say about mutant sheep? The premise alone got me to see this.

Made in New Zealand and filled with hilarious scenes of sheep gone wild because of genetic engineering (damn cloning!), they rapidly attack our sheep-phobic hero and his sidekicks as he tries to stop his insane brother from continuing these experiments.

Incredible human-sheep mutants, sheep gore and decapitations, sheep head trauma and sheep-man sexual innuendo. What more do you need from a sheep movie?




8.) 28 Weeks Later (3 spinkicks)

I'm not a big fan of the frenzy zombies but the sequel to 28 Days Later creates a good dystopian world where our RAGE infected friends can come out to play.

The opening of the movie is as scary as shit, and as we follow 2 heroic kids through the streets of London, and their escape with some unlucky soldiers its a frenetic pace of zombie-ish insanity and gore maglore.

The last scene makes you cringe because you know we're going to see something years later (pun intended).

7.) Wrong Turn 2 (3 and a half spinkicks)

From the opening scene of a hot girl getting sliced in half, I knew this movie was gonna rock. Welcome to Wrong Turn 2: Dead End. This straight to DVD gem is sort of the pop culture/internet horror entry to the list. Full of cheesy velveeta and oodles of gore, there isn't a dull moment.

Where can you find a movie where one of the characters wears a "Battle Royale" t-shirt and all the characters are a complete list generic cutouts of the horror genre.

Brave white girl (who is psycho).......check.

Henry Rollins......check.

Black guy......check.

Black girl with army training.....check.

Funny white guy addicted to sex.....check.

Hot, voluptuous girl who gives us our gratuitous nudity......check.

Inbred, really disgusting, boiled filled redneck cannibals.....oh hells yeah...CHECK!

Plotwise its pretty decent. Reality TV show goes into the redneck woods to shoot their "apocalyptic game show". But inbreds don't like normal people and they are kinda hungry.

Good amounts of gore, splatter and inbred sex. Because that's why you rented it right?

6.) The Host (3 and a half spinkicks)

Gwoemul aka The Host is our only Asian entry into the Top 10. But as the hype this year has gone to Cloverfield, this was the monster movie everybody should have seen.

The monster is so awesome its the king of awesomeness.

Plot-o-rama has US chemicals creating the monster in the Seoul's Hans River and everybody has to be quarantined. But one family: the dad, his son the crazy brother, the super archer sister seek out the crazy brother's daughter who has been monster-napped.

Suffice it to say, the Korean military isn't good at the whole Godzilla scenario so its up to the family to kick some monster ass.

Very thrilling, filled with good doses of humor and so memorable that you'll be saying "Clover-what?"

5.) Them (Ils) (3 spinkicks)

French horror flick. Yup you read that right. It's a French horror movie. But it's fuckin good and scary.

Who is "Them"? I ain't telling ya but that's the whole point isn't it? Sorta like Sixth Sense and mixed in with some jump out of your seat moments, it's all about what you don't see.

Plot-o-matic says it's about a woman (a teacher) and her husband (a writer) who live in an nicebig house somewhere in Romania. Strange noises start up in the middle of the night, cars go missing, weird phone calls and TV static. What the fuck is going on?

Could it be "Them"? Could it be that this couple is insane?

Ahhh. The myster horror movie is either the most annoying or the most brillant depending on your taste.

To me it was bloody brilliant. Sometimes the greatest fear is the one you do not see. The twists are a plenty...and the ending, well its as good as it get.

4.) Jack Ketchum’s The Girl Next Door (3 spinkicks)

Well we had to have one movie that just totally disturbed the shit out of me. And it was this one. Gregory Wilson's The Girl Next Door is tightly based loosed on Sylvia Liken's horrific murder in Indiana.

There is no huge body count, no excessive gore or splatter, no corny humor or gratuitous nudity.

What is in this movie is seeing evil with a justified happy face in the form of a sadistic psycho mom and her progeny.

There are NO supernatural monsters, unkillable slashers or even mutant sheep, all you see is the evil face of humanity and what humans do to each other, that's the most frightening thing you can ever witness.

The movie revolves around David, who encounters new neighbors Meg and her crippled sister Susan. Because of a tragedy they now live with their Aunt Ruth. But Aunt Ruth ain't your normal 1950's Mrs. Cleaver. She's an alkie and her sons are well kinda douchebags.

And this doesn't bode well to the sisters, especially Meg. Auntie Ruth abuses Meg, locks her in the basement and thus tortures her. Suffice it to say, she gets fucked up.

Very chilling and disturbing. Even for the most jaded viewer, you'll wince and feel kinda dirty after watching it. I guess that's the whole point.

3.) Grindhouse (3 and a half spinkicks)

I liked Robert Rodriguez's Planet Terror better than Quentin Tarantino's Death Proof.

That's just me.

But what can I say about Grindhouse that hasn't been said by all the other horror fanboys.

Well for one thing I LOVED the fake trailers. Machete, Thanksgiving Day and Don't. Good times.

If one of these "trailers" becomes a full fledge movie, I'll be camping out in front of the theatre.

2.) Hatchet (3 spinkicks)

Old School American Horror. Motherfucker.

Read my entire review here.

Hatchet reminded me of why I love horror movies.

and the best horror movie of 2007 is.....................................................


1.) Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon
(4 spinkicks)

Clever. Just freakin clever.

That's Behind the Mask. A movie which flips the slasher genre upside down and why it's #1 on my list.

I've seen a lot of slasher movies. So fuckin many. The fact that BTM totally surprised the crap out of me is kudos to the director Scott Glosserman.

The movie is essentially about Leslie Vernon, our resident slasher of Glen Echo. He allows a documentary crew to film him as he attemps to kill the scared but brave heroine.

As we see this behind the scenes look at our slasher, we witness all the archetypes and characteristics that are the embodiment of the modern day slasher. The movie also pokes fun of the "scares" that are relevant in every quick edited slasher flick.

And that's the beauty of BTM. Just like Scream, but done waaay more cleverly, Leslie Vernon becomes slightly sympathetic and you begin to root for him.

I always wondered how we see a walking Jason Voorhees somehow get in front of kill his victims. Well he is running like crazy off screen, that's how.

It's one of the many questions Leslie Vernon answers and it's so fresh and different from anything that came out this year.

That's why it's the number 1 movie of 2007. When you can reinvent the slasher genre by adding a little bit of comedy, twists and gore, you've got a killer movie.

Tags:
top 10 horror movies of 2007, vacancy , black sheep , 28 weeks later, wrong turn 2: dead end ,the host, Them aka ils,
Jack Ketchum's the girl next door, grindhouse, hatchet, behind the mask: the rise of leslie vernon,

Labels: 28 weeks later, Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon, black sheep, grindhouse, hatchet, jack ketchum's the girl next door, the host, them ils, top 10 horror movies of 2007, wrong turn 2

Posted by the jaded viewer at 11:57 PM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

Labels: 28 weeks later, the host, them ils, top 10 horror movies of 2007, top 10 underground cult movies of 2007, Top 5 Horror Movies of 2007, vacancy, wrong turn 2

Posted by the jaded viewer at 8:39 PM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post

So as we wrap up 2007, Hollywood is churning out some horror that may or may not be worth 2 shits. Below is a list of some either gems or turds with extra corn.

1.) 30 Days of Night

The Blah Blah Blah:


Vampires in Alaska. Did I just write that?




2.) Saw IV


The Blah Blah Blah:


Is Jigsaw the new Chucky? Seems like it after the 4th effin sequel.


3.) The Signal

The Blah Blah Blah:

Cell phones make people go insane. That happens everyday in NYC.

4.) P2

The Blah Blah Blah:

More torture-core? Please stop. I mean I'm one Captivity away from torturing some innocent woman.

5.) The Mist

The Blah Blah Blah:

When weather becomes the unstoppable evil, I feel like they're not even trying anymore.

That's all theatrical for now. I left off release dates because I mean all of the above makes me want to have Hatchet face slice me open.

There are a few straight to DVDers that peaked my interest.

Wrong Turn 2 (ooooooooooh)

Return to House on Haunted Hill (with their gimmicky "You Choose their fate" function)

Black Sheep

...and countless others. I think it's time I rejoin Netflix.

Tags:
30 days of night, black sheep , american horror , p2, saw 4 ,the signal, the mist, wrong turn 2, captivity

Labels: 30 days of night, black sheep, p2, return to house on haunted hill, saw 4, saw iv, the mist, the signal, wrong turn 2

Posted by the jaded viewer at 11:07 PM | Permalink | Comments | links to this post