the jaded viewer

Sukeban Boy (Trailer)

noreply@blogger.com (the jaded viewer) — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 04:05:00 +0000

Bless all that is Japanese cinema! From Noburu Iguchi, director of the infamous the Machine Girl comes Oira sukeban aka Sukeban Boy.

Holy fuckin cow. This movie is totally off the wall, wacky, absurd and giga-wattagely powered.

Read the plot below and let me know if you can make heads or tails or whatever out of it.

Sukeban has a problem. This foulmouthed, hard-fighting son of a biker, has been cursed with the looks of a pop princess. The looks lead to teasing, the teasing leads to fighting, The fighting leads to expulsions. Expulsions from every boy's high school in the region. What's a biker who's nurturing conflicted feelings for his gender-confused child to do in such a situation? Simple! Dress the boy up as a girl and enroll him in an all-girls high school. But girls' schools are strange, disturbing places and, within a day of arriving, Sukeban has been signed up for humiliation classes and forced to do battle with the various school gangs: the Pantyhose Club, the No Bra Club, and of course, the Full Frontal League.

I love the fact the the Japanese AV women can be in these wacky films showing us their "ass" ets.

OK now for the good shit. I will probably never get my hands on a copy of this flick, so thankfully some fellow jaded viewers have put almost the entire film on YouTube.

Now we can all watch (because really, who wants to watch an entire 60 minute flick right?)

First check out the trailer.

Now check out the opening scene (vomitly delicious!)

Now check out the pantyhose gang (i love those initiations!)

It's a can can dance kick!!!

An ass in the face never gets old!

The gangs face off!

It's the final face off!!! (with continuous titty punches for 5 straight minutes!)

Tags:
sukeban boy trailer, sukeban boy , Oira sukeban , gratuitous nudity, sukeban boy clips, japanese av naked, japanese exploitation, the machine girl,sex comedy action,manga

The Ruins (Review)

noreply@blogger.com (the jaded viewer) — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 04:05:00 +0000

The Ruins

The Ruins (2008)

Directed by Carter Smith

I'm a big Jenna Malone fan. Let's get out of the way first. She was awesome in Donnie Darko, Saved and here in the Ruins.

But alas, the Ruins is well another horror movie that will be placed in the used DVD bin soon enough.

It wasn't great, it wasn't bad. It just was.

Was what you may be asking?

It's another movie where white American tourists make trouble for the indigenous local inhabitants and get themselves killed.

Fuckin white teenagers always get into shenanigans and go where they're not suppose to.

Local guy says: "Don't go to the secluded beach"
White kids go to the beach......and die.

Local guy says: "Don't go to abandoned house"
White kids go to the abandoned house.....and die.

Local guy says: "Don't go to the ancient Mayan ruins"
White kids go to the ruins......and die.

Fuck em. They got what they deserved right? They never fuckin listen.

But as I kept watching, I gotta admit that from the trailer you'd think the movie is about a cursed Mayan pyramid or killer trees or plants but actually its about putting a couple of white American tourists in an impossible scenario and seeing how they'd react.

It's like watching mice in a maze. And that's why it's worth the watch.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

A group of friends whose leisurely Mexican holiday takes a turn for the worse when they, along with a fellow tourist embark on a remote archaeological dig in the jungle, where something evil lives among the ruins.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Let's just start by saying that Jena Malone in a bikini may have been worth the price of admission or rental or torrent download (whichever method you prefer). She plays Amy, the resident Jennifer Love Hewitt of the 4 Spring Breakers. She and her best friend Stacey (Laura Ramsey) with their boyfriends Jeff (Jonathan Tucker) and Eric (Shawn Ashmore) are in Mexico doing the MTV spring break thing.

They meet a German tourist Mathias (Joe Anderson) who tells them about some ancient ruins. Of course they go down the non touristy path and end up at the ruins where the local Mayan community aint thrilled with seeing them.

Like Manifest Destiny, they go and explore the ruins. Little do they know that when they have contact with the plants, it "infects" you. You'd think the Mayans would post a sign in Spanish and shit.

The locals force our turistas to stay on the temple, threatening to kill them if they do.

So we get our plant vs man encounters. National Geographic never had an episode about this. These fuckin plants are nuts. They can mimic ringtones, voices and even sex!

Did Apple or Microsoft grow these things?

Soon its gets all horrificly bad, you'd hope they had a weed wacker or some shit. Some 2 unscheduled surgeries occur. A leg amputation will make gore hounds rejoice and some tape-worm-ish plant wiggles are kinda icky.

Ending (seems there are 2 alternates on the DVD) is a bit cliched but how could you really end a movie about killer plants?

The Ruins is 90 minutes that are paced well. Lots of downtime with some mindless talking but the uptime is where it's at.

At times you can try to empathize with the characters and it's psychologically exhausting. Would you wait for help or concieve a plan and execute it. If some freakin plant virus was mutating in you, would you wait to die or go all suicidal?

The movie raises some intriguing questions and that's where the true horror comes in. Not the fucked up Windows plants or the hostile tribe, but the decisions we make for our own survival.

But alas, as I said before, these American "The Hills-like" teenagers got what they deserved for not listening. They should have been shopping at Hollister and Pacific Sunwear, but instead they got massacred by some vines.

Plants 1
Dumb American white teenagers 0

Yay plants.

Influences

Turistas
The Happening
Little Shop of Horrors
I Know What You Did Last Summer 2

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

Gunshot to the head
Leg amputation plus soldering
Bone smashing
Knife surgery
Dead bodies
Knife to the heart
Arrow trauma
Child trauma
Plant infection in body trauma

Nude-ipedia (because you like boobies)

Jena Malone's bikini
Laura Ramsey's boobies and ass

WTF moment

Did I not just say the plants can mimic ringtones, voices and even sex!

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Is the Ruins worth the time and effort? Yeah I'd think so. I wasn't bored and it goes by pretty quickly. Jena Malone and the cast give good performances. And it's got some decent moments that got the horror juices flowing. But even after watching mice do experiments, you get bored. And that's when you check to see what else is in the used horror DVD bin.

Rating:

1/2

The Trailer:

Tags:
the ruins, the ruins review , jena malone , laura ramsey naked, gratuitous nudity, killer plants, mayan temple, turistas, top horror movie 2008,the ruins horror, ,sex,

Trailer Park of Terror (Trailer)

noreply@blogger.com (the jaded viewer) — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 04:05:00 +0000

Based on an Imperium Comics series, Trailer Park of Terror seems to hit all the right horror chords. Hot lead babe, rednecks, redneck demons and a busload of dysfunctional youth to kill.

It's an attempt at the horror-omedy though I'm skeptical this will work.

Just check out the trailer already.

Tags:
trailer park of terror trailer, trailer park of terror , redneck demons , top horror movies 2008, nyc subway, horror movies 2008, trace adkins, Nichole Hiltz,white trash,trailer park

Gallowwalker (Trailer)

noreply@blogger.com (the jaded viewer) — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 04:05:00 +0000

Gallowwalker is speculated to be Wesley Snipes return to a theatrical release-hood. So if Snipes can do it, why can't JCVD?

I mean Snipes was indicted for tax invasion and he gets the Hollywood greenlight? Has JCVD ever been arrested for a crime? (Oh yeah.... drugs, girl trouble and he got sued by the real Frank Dux)

Well I gotta admit, Gallowwalker looks Paul W.S. Anderson-ish and has a slight video gamey effect but the premise has got me stoked.

A gunman knows too well the ways of vengeance. Fast and furious, he has killed every man who crossed him. But his gift with a gun comes with a curse. All those who die by his hand will return. Enter the world of gallowwalker, where vengeance lives forever.

Live by the gun. Die by the gun. Come back for more...

Western zombie gun slinging goodness or straight to DVD Uwe Boll garbage?

You decide. Check out the trailer below.

Tags:
gallowwalker trailer, gallowwalker , western+horror , wesley snipes, gunslinging, cowboys, zombies, jcvd,top horror movies of 2009,ddp

Teeth (Review)

noreply@blogger.com (the jaded viewer) — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 04:11:00 +0000

Teeth

Teeth (2007)

Directed by Mitchell Lichtenstein

I like to define subgenres of horror. What you can call this is simple.

Horrorotica.

We expect to see T&A, sex and mutilation.

And Teeth gives us all of the above, and gives it to us in a full blown load of funny satire and splatter.

It's a simple buildup. And you know whats to come. And it climaxes at the very end.

PUNS SO FUCKIN INTENDED.

Boring Plot-O-Matic (thank you official site)

High school student Dawn works hard at suppressing her budding sexuality by being the local chastity group's most active participant. Her task is made even more difficult by her bad boy stepbrother Brad's increasingly provocative behavior at home. A stranger to her own body, innocent Dawn discovers she has a toothed vagina when she becomes the object of violence. As she struggles to comprehend her anatomical uniqueness, Dawn experiences both the pitfalls and the power of being a living example of the vagina dentata myth.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

Teeth can be summed up one phrase.

MUTITLATED PENSISES EQUAL FEMALE EMPOWERMENT

Isn't that what you got out of seeing Teeth as well? Suffice it to say, Teeth is horrorotica with a tad of black comedy and satire and some good ole gory horror mixed in. And it works. Clocking in at a good ole 90 minutes, the film paces well and though the ending is cliched, you got what you deserved when you decided to watch a movie about vagina dentata.

Jess Weixler gives a great performance as Dawn, the mutant with the killer flower. Her family lives in mutant land (2 power plants are near her home). She has a sick mom, a step dad and a gothy metal step brother named Brad who wants to have what Greg and Marsha Brady never did.

Dawn has gone all Republican and is abstinence heavy in her purity cult. But teenagers today are all fucked up and she meets Toby. But Toby is a jerk off and becomes victim # 1 of Dawn's killer dentata.

Her "teeth" are the ultimate defense mechanism and ultimately fuck up a gynecologist, an American Pie reject and a special somebody who we all knew was gonna get fucked up.

Jess Weixler has that girl next door look mixed in with a femme fatale that makes the movie work. She plays her role, as distraught, as "The Bride" and as feminism come alive.

You've got the men playing the victims in a nice vice versa effect and most of the dudes of course are 3 steps away from being on "To Catch a Preadator" on Dateline NBC.

Of course they all deserve to get their penises ripped apart for being such oversexed horny rapists looking only to score.

So Dawn makes the men pay with her new mutant powers. Joss Whedon would be proud.

What more can you say about a movie about a killer vagina?

Influences

Killer Condom
Heathers
Movies about vaginas that kill

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

Mutilated penis
Sliced Fingers
Mutilated penis
Dog attacks
Mutilated penis
Severed penis
Did I mention there are mutilated penises?

Nudipedia (because you like boobies)

We see Dawn's glorious boobies

WTF moment

The gynecologist visit
The dog special "treat"

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Teeth is American Pie but horror-fied. Truly a classic horror-rotica-omedy. Teenage angst is always John Hughes territory but given a satirical gory sense of humor you get Teeth.

And it comes at you with a big bite.

"Sometimes, your a mutant with vagina teeth. But that doesn't mean you can't live a normal life. All you have to remember is MUTITLATED PENSISES EQUAL FEMALE EMPOWERMENT"

[cue NBC The More you Know music]

Rating:

1/2

The Trailer:

Tags:
teeth horror, teeth review , horroromedy , teeth movie review, gratuitous nudity, mutilated penis, vagina dentata, killer vagina, pussy kill,jess weixler naked, ,sex,

Stag Night (Trailer)

noreply@blogger.com (the jaded viewer) — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 04:05:00 +0000

After watching the trailer for Stag Night, the first question that popped into my head was...

Really?????? Every year, 2000 passengers go missing on the subway?????
Get the fuck out of here.

But who am I to argue. I'm sure they have certified NYC MTA stats to back that shit up.

Stag Night is brought to us by Peter Dowling, who wrote Flightplan. The plot sounds like Judgement Night, but on a train.

Four guys on a bachelor party get off the subway at a station that shut down in the 50's and, after watching a transit cop get brutally murdered, find themselves running for their lives beneath the streets of NY.

The movie stars Kip Pardue, Breckin Meyer, the hot Vinessa Shaw and Scott "Boyka" Adkins.

Which begs the question, why is Boyka (from Undisputed 2) running from a crazed NYC serial killer? He can fuckin spinkick the shit out anybody.

So if your on a NYC train, don't get off a stop that looks shady. Do as the tagline suggests.

Stay on train (or get out when its your stop)

Check out the trailer in all its absurd glory below.

Tags:
stag night trailer, stag night , serial killer NYC , boyka, nyc subway, nyc horror, scott adkins, slasher,subway,vinessa shaw

Animals (Trailer)

noreply@blogger.com (the jaded viewer) — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 04:05:00 +0000

After watching Neil Marshall's Doomsday, it got me thinking how awesome Dog Soldiers was. A lot of directors have fucked up werewolf movies, but Dog Soldiers kicked ass.

Now with the flux of lycanthrope movies such as Underworld: Rise of the Lycans and the Wolf Man coming out next year, are the American and world masses ready for a reintroduction to werewolf movies?

Are we going to have a lycan revival?

So as I super highwayed along, I found an interesting new werewolf movie called Animals.

Starring Naveen Andrews (Lost) and Marc Blucas (BtVS), from the trailer its filled with claw crunching gore, hot steamy naked sweaty sex and some jump editing weirdness.

Here be the eh - so - so - eh plot (from IMDB)

Syd Jarrett (Marc Blucas) is an unsuspecting, down-and-out man in a washed-up hick town whose life is turned upside down when the drop-dead gorgeous Nora (Nicki Aycox) walks through the door of the local bar. Jarrett's passion for Nora leads him peripherally into a sub-culture of animals where he encounters Vic (Naveen Andrews), a renegade whose animal instincts are stronger than his human ones. As things begin to get even worse, Jarrett realizes that his best chance for happiness, and survival, lies in his true love for Jane (Eva Amurri).

The movie is based on a novel by John Skipp and Craig Spector who are the inventors of "splatterpunk".

Gore, sex and werewolves.

This gotta be good right?

Check out the trailer below.

Tags:
animals trailer, animals horror trailer , werewolves , werewolf, lycans, lycanthrope, the wolf man, animals, werewolves,splatterpunk,naveen andrews

The Search For Weng Weng (Trailer)

noreply@blogger.com (the jaded viewer) — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 04:05:00 +0000

Weng Weng got his 15 minutes when The Chuds made him a You Tube star with their Weng Weng rap.

At 2'9, the Filipino midget starred in the hilarious James Bond spoof For Y'ur Height Only and The Impossible Kid as Double Agent 00. Before Mini Me, he kicked underworld criminals asses and scored with the ladies.

Well, Australian filmmaker Andrew Leavold decided to search for Weng Weng and made a documentary on the legendary Filipino B-movies of the 70s and 80s.

His official site is a mish mash of blog entries during his 3 year odyssey in the Philippines.

Check out the trailer below.

Tags:
The Search For Weng Weng, weng weng , The Search For Weng Weng trailer , weng weng rap, for your height only, midget, james bond spoof, viral video

5 or Die (Trailer)

noreply@blogger.com (the jaded viewer) — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 04:04:00 +0000

Where the hell is the jaded viewer's teaser video?

Arrow in the Head got one.
Bloody Disgusting got one.
Dread Central got one.
Fangoria got one.

Where the fuck is mine??

And what the fuck is this trailer all about?

Thanks to the Arrow, we now know it's a new short from Tom Holland that will premiere on Strike TV the internet site created by writers during the Writers Strike.

Check out The Ring-like teaser for 5 or Die.

5 OR DIE - FANGORIA Internet Spot

Tags:
5 or die, 5 or die trailer , 5 or die teaser trailer , strike tv, serial killer, horror short, snuff film, viral video

Acolytes (Trailer)

noreply@blogger.com (the jaded viewer) — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 04:05:00 +0000

Let's pretend we had a horror-lympics and we had to give out some medals to all the countries who've produced great horror movies of the last 4 years.

Would it look something like this?

Gold - France
Silver - United Kingdom
Bronze - Australia

Yup that seem right. The US wouldn't if be in the top 5 in my opinion. I'd follow up #4 with Canada and #5 with Japan.

It's movies like Acolytes that have gotten my attention instead. Straight from down under, the plot and trailer looks fuckin intriguing.

An interesting, original premise. See the plot below.

Three teens blackmail a killer into taking down the violent bully who has been making their lives hell.

Simple and to the point. It's directed by Jon Hewitt. Is Australia the new horror mecca?

With Greg McClean (who directed Wolf Creek and Rogue) a splat pack member, will we see a new wave of ozploitation?

Watch the trailer below.

Tags:
acolytes, acolytes trailer , australian horror , fantastic film festival 2008, serial killer, top movies of 2008, Wolf Creek, Jon Hewitt

Jack Brooks Monster Slayer (Review)

noreply@blogger.com (the jaded viewer) — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 04:05:00 +0000

Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer

Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer (2008)

Directed by Jon Knautz

I said it once and I'll say it again. Leave it up to the Canadians to reinvigorate the 80s horror-omedy.

Jon Knautz's Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer is a dash of Evil Dead, some Weird Science, a tad of Brain Dead, a pinch of The Gate and a heaping spoonful of Robert England.

I've been digging the horror-omedy of late with Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon topping my top 10 Horror movies of 2007.

So it was surprising that I would dig Jack Brooks which despite it's flaws is a pretty fun film from the middle to the end.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

(gracias IMDB)

As a child Jack Brooks witnessed the brutal murder of his family. Now a young man he struggles with a pestering girlfriend, therapy sessions that resolve nothing, and night classes that barely hold his interest. After unleashing an ancient curse, Jack's Professor undergoes a transformation into something not-quite- human, and Jack is forced to confront some old demons... along with a few new ones

Awesome Review-O-Matic

On a rainy night, Insano Steve and I attended the NY/East Coast premiere of Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer. It was presented by Fangoria and the director Jon Knautz and Mr. Jack Brooks himself Trevor Matthews were suppose to be on hand for a Q and A but alas they could not attend due to the bad weather.

But some hardcore horror fans did attend and we all saw some throwback 80s horror homage that we all left us skippy happy.

The first thing you notice when you watch Jack Brooks is, is this 1988? Because all the classic 80s horror conventions are in full effect.
Let's go through a checklist shall we?

1.) Ordinary, every day guy who has to save the day and becomes our reluctant hero.

CHECK.

2.) His clueless, blonde annoying girlfriend who is a ditz.

CHECK.

3.) Cardboard cutouts of high school streotypes (fat smart girl, stoner guys, nerds, hot punk rock chick, jocks and "Styles like Teen Wolf guy").

CHECK.

4.) The creepy old guy who tells the eerie back story of the evil that is to come.

CHECK.

5.) The professor who discovers a mysterious evil underneath his house, digs it up and gets fuckin posessesed.

CHECK.

6.) An over the top, gross out splatterfest with a boss character at the end that looks like Chet from Weird Science.

CHECK.

What we're initially seeing is an origin story. Jack's origin story and it's filled with classic moments that you can't forget. Trevor Matthews plays Jack as the confused everyday guy (he's a plumber attending night school) who's just looking for his purpose in life. Sorta like Ash, he's been put into a situation that eventually will make him see his true calling.

But it's Robert England performance that makes this classic. He's in vintage form as the night school professor that gets possessed by an evil demon heart (!?) that metamorphizes him into a fat, slobbering mutant big eyed ENORMOUS mouth monster that injects victims into blood thirsty demons. His slow transformation is hilarious as he devours chicken, veggies and his poor dog. Some gross out reversal of fortune moments and the Fly-like transfo is just awesome.

The final epic battle is fought in the school and the POW! BIFF! WOP! battle ensues as Jack battles the demons....using his plumbing tools.....and his wits.

It's all pretty generic but it's still all fun.

We get few camera angles, POV shots and some locker door smashing straight from the Sam Raimi school of directing. Some great one liners and gore and splatter FX that are top notch.

If Slither and Jack Brooks are the evolution of the classic 80s horror reinvigorated for today's audience, we're in good hands. Fuck the remakes. That shit never works. Do it right and make your own movie and franchise it.

Move over Ash, you've got company.

Influences

Evil Dead series
Brain Dead
Weird Science
Night of the Creeps
Slither
The Gate
Troll
80's horror movies

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

Heart eating
Chicken wing eating
Monster tube slicing
Pipe smashing
Ax slashing
Head splatter smashing
Sodium Chloride expoding

Nudipidedia (because you like boobies)

Nada

!!!!WTF moment!!!!

The opening scene.
The monster at the beginning (and in the picute to the right)
The transformation

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Do we have a new Ash in the making? Yes and his name is Jack Brooks. And he's a fuckin monster slayer.

If you love the 80s horror of old, then you'll dig this.

Here's hoping their's a sequel.

Rating:

The Trailer:

Check out the official site for more information and screenings. If you are in the NYC area, it's playing at the Two Boots Pioneer theatre.

Tags:
Jack Brooks Monster Slayer, Jack Brooks Monster Slayer trailer , horroromedy , fantasia film festival 2008, evil dead ash, top movies of 2008, monsters, Jon Knautz, Jack Brooks Monster Slayer review,Evil Dead, ,1980s horror,

We're part of LAMB! (The Large Association of Movie Blogs)

noreply@blogger.com (the jaded viewer) — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 04:05:00 +0000

The Jaded Viewer is happy announce that we are now a member of the LAMB, The Large Association of Movie Blogs. They've got a comprehensive index of all the movie blogs on the web.
From horror to comedy to anything movie related, they've got it all.

The jaded viewer was recently featured as LAMB #161 you can see below.

I've checked out some of the blogs and they all are pretty cool. It's a nice little niche in the internet-sphere.

If you've got a movie blog, join the community.

Chocolate (Trailer)

noreply@blogger.com (the jaded viewer) — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 04:04:00 +0000

Ever wonder if Tony Jaa was a hot looking Thai kick ass autistic woman?

Well the director of awesome-rific films Ong Bak and Tom Yum Goong , Prachya Pinkaew has decided to answer that question. And the result is Chocolate.

This is why Prachya Pinkaew is the reigning king of action cinema.

I love the ridiculous plot (thanks IMDB)

An autistic woman with powerful martial art skills looks to settle her ailing mother's debts by seeking out the ruthless gangs that owe her family money.

JeeJa Yanin is breathtaking in the trailer below. Her muay thai skills are unfuckinbelievable and as always, there are no stunt doubles and all the action stunts you see are as is.

Holy shit this is going to kick major fuckin ass.

Check out the trailer below (with English subs!)

Tags:
chocolate, chocolate trailer , chocolate thai action , ong bak, tony jaa, JeeJa Yanin, top movies of 2008, muay thai, amy smart naked, thai action movie, Prachya Pinkaew, tom yum goong,

Seventh Moon (Trailer)

noreply@blogger.com (the jaded viewer) — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 04:05:00 +0000

Eduardo Sanchez (who directed The Blair Witch Project) stayed under the underground radar as nobody noticed his last film, Altered.

But I'm sure everybody will notice his new film, Seventh Moon, as the tagline alone has given me fanboy chills:

"On the full moon of the seventh lunar month, the gates of hell open and the spirits of the dead are freed to roam among the living.”

Seventh Moon stars the super hot Amy Smart and Tim Chiao as newlyweds who attend the Hungry Ghost Festival in rural China. They soon find themselves stranded at night in the middle of a superstitious ritual that may be more real than folk legend.

Ooooooooo spooky.

Check out the teaser trailer below.

Tags:
seventh moon, seventh moon teaser trailer , 7th moon , the blair witch project, gore splatter, amy smart, top horror movies of 2008, horror blog, amy smart naked, chinese horror movie, Eduardo Sanchez, zombies,

Tyrese Gibson: A Jaded Viewer True Hollywood Story

noreply@blogger.com (the jaded viewer) — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 04:02:00 +0000

I asked Insano Steve for a review of The Take. After a few weeks of prodding, he said he couldn't write a review that was potently funny or ridiculously entertaining. (I find this hard to believe as The Take seems ripe with some MST3K quips ready to be made). Instead he decided a Tyrese retrospective would be a better fit.

So here is Insano Steve's retrospective.

Tyrese Gibson: A Jaded Viewer True Hollywood Story

By Insano Steve

If somebody asked me "Who is your favorite actor?", I don't think I would have an answer.
But if somebody asked "Who is your favorite BLACK actor?", my answer would be easy, Tyrese.

Tyrese is famous for his Coke commercial where he starts spontaneously singing in the back of a bus. He's also a model and has a semi-successful R&B singing career.

But what I'm sure he is most proud of, is his acting career. Tyrese can be found starring and co-starring in such fine films as Baby Boy, 2 Fast 2 Furious, Four Brothers, Annapolis, Waist Deep, Transformers, and his latest film, The Take. Before I review The Take, let's answer some important questions about Tyrese and his films first:

1) Q: Is Tyrese a good actor?

A: Oh God no. He pretty much plays the same character in all his films.

2) Q: Is Tyrese a good black actor?

A: Hells yeah. I guess here's the distinction. Sure, I don't think Tyrese is an Oscar winning actor like Denzel Washington or Morgan Freeman or DMX, but Tyrese's movies are always great fun. When you see Tyrese on the screen, you know somebody is about to get shot. And that's how you should feel in any good black movie.

3) Q: Wait a minute, Tyrese is a model and sings really gay love songs, how come he plays thugs in all his movies?

A: That's kind of the beauty of it. Knowing his background, you pretty much know that his roles are not authentic and/or "keeping it real". Therefore when he shoots some poor bastard, it's just that much more funny. It's like watching Wayne Brady as a criminal in 'Crossover'.

4) Q: I heard Tyrese shoots a gun in every movie he's in, that can't be true right?

A: Yeah, that's pretty much right. That's his claim of distinction. These days, a good black movie is really hard to come by. Instead we have Tyler Perry bullshit or another Ice Cube family comedy.

Seriously, what the fuck?

Things were so much better when movies were just about crime and poverty. And the soundtrack badly outsold the movie. Well, there's still hope, because Tyrese is still out there shooting people.

5) Q: C'mon, no way, every movie?

A: Well, let's look at this on an itemized film by film basis via imdb.com:

Luke Cage (2009)

This movie hasn't been made but I'll just guess yes. Hopefully this movie won't make Tyrese a star and cause him to sellout to roles in non-black movies.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)

Those fucking robots ain't gonna shoot themselves

Legion (2009)

Post-apocalyptic movie. Bet on Tyrese finding the last remaining hand gun.

Death Race (2008)

He plays the role of 'Machine Gun Joe'. What do you think?

The Take (2007)

Several times, at close range, in John Leguizamo's head.

Transformers (2007)

Easily the biggest movie Tyrese has been in. You probably wouldn't notice he's in it though with all that transforming going on. He plays the black guy that keep's shooting people and robots.

Waist Deep (2006)

His 2nd greatest role. His character, O2, defies police, gangs, the Game, and logic to rob banks and flee to Mexico with hotness that is Meagan Good. Oh yeah, he's forced to rob banks cause the Game kidnapped his kid. He'd never rob banks otherwise. The legendary O-Dog from 'Menace to Society' in this. Oh yeah, he shoots people in this, many of whom die.

Annapolis (2006)

I never actually saw this. The trailer about a bunch a dudes in the Navy training camp just seemed a little gay. Harry Osbourne from the Spiderman movies stars in this. Tyrese plays his commanding officer, and pretty much hazes the shit out of him. Very likely, a gun is fired along the way.

Four Brothers (2005)

Here he plays one of the two black brothers. This movie is on TNT a lot but I always miss the ending. It's kinda stupid with Marky Mark and Andree 3000 and some other white guy playing his brothers. Alas, he does shoot people.

Flight of the Phoenix (2004)

Also never seen. Only black actor in the movie, so it sounds promising.

2 Fast 2 Furious (2003)

2 Black 2 Furious! Lots of shooting and fancy driving in this. One of his less 'black' roles though.

Baby Boy (2001)

His greatest work. He plays Jody and he pretty much is a good for nothing thug with 2 baby mamas, no job, no car, and his mom's wants him out of the house. Marsellus Wallace teaches him some sense by throwing him through a glass coffee table. Cuba Gooding's brother in this movie and is awesome as the hopeless thug, Sweetpea. Snoop Dogg in this too, wearing the baggiest wife-beater ever put on film.

Without a doubt, the best black movie in the last 10 years. Tupac was supposed to star in this originally. Tyrese kills it in this movie (figuratively and otherwise). Movie caused me to Google chickenhead and hoodrat. Who knew there was such a subtle difference between them?

"Moesha" (2000) ... Troy

Seriously doubt he shot anybody on an episode of Moesha

Love Song (2000) (TV) ... Mad Rage/Skip

Huh, what is this?

"All That" (2000) .... Musical Guest

Hmmm, I wonder if he shot anybody as a Musical Guest

"The Parent 'Hood" (1998) .... Thug

His character is named Thug !?!?

"Martin" (1997) .... Dante

Shit, peoples was always getting shot on Martin

"Hangin' with Mr. Cooper" (1996) .... Darrell

Didn't see this episode, and Tyrese was only 15 at the time, but I'll assume 'Darrell' busts some shots off in Coop's class

6) Q: Dude, those movies all suck balls, why you like this guy?

A: Fuck you then. Make your own fucking list and I can trash that list.

7) Q: Yo, weren't you supposed to review 'The Take'?

A: Oh shit, yeah, that's right, ......

See Tyrese at his best in Waist Deep and Baby Boy.

Waist Deep Trailer

Baby Boy Trailer

Tags:
tyrese, tyrese gibson , tyrese retrospective , black movies, gangsta movies, tyrese shooting guns, waist deep, horror blog, shawn of the dead, baby boy, tyrese pictures, thug gangsta hood movies,

The Cottage (Review)

noreply@blogger.com (the jaded viewer) — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 04:05:00 +0000

The Cottage

The Cottage (2008)

Directed by Paul Andrew Williams

The dry sense of humor the Brits have can either be considered bloody unfunny or bloody fuckin brillant.

I'm a big believer in that the subtle inappropriate remarks are better than the big jokey, long winded kind.

And that's why somehow the Brits have time after time made the horror-omedy work. Shawn of the Dead, Severance and now we have The Cottage.

Mixing the 2 genres together is very tricky. Sam Raimi's Evil Dead is an example of classic horror-omedy. But this film would not work without the comedy. If you remove that, it's just a used DVD bin rehash of The Hills Have Eyes meets Fargo.

Hell, when you can me somebody's foot being cut off funny, that's deserves praise.

Boring Plot-O-Matic

2 bumbling petty criminals kidnap the daughter of a underground kingpin and hold her for ransom in a cottage in the farmland. What they don't know is they've stumbled upon a pissed off redneck after they trespass on his land.

Awesome Review-O-Matic

The Cottage is cardboard cut out horror caricatures to a tee. But just like eating a slice of pizza, you know how it's gonna taste and once you've eaten it, it's still damn tasty. Peter (Reece Shearsmith) is our reluctant hero criminal. The regular guy who gets caught in a scheme gone wrong. Steven (Andy Serkis) plays his brother, a leather coated, gruffy goatee tough guy who hatches the plan.

The kidnap victim, Tracey (Jennifer Ellison) is a spoiled Mafia princess whose brother Steven gets caught in the plan as well.

The first 40 or so minutes are your average crime gone wrong brand of ridiculousness. Inevitably it will be compared to From Dusk til Dawn in structure. I was slightly bored watching the paint dry with the jabbering British dialogue but Ellison's breasts kept me entertained.

The plan goes way off target, from the ransom being compromised to some Asian thugs trying to kill our bumbling bafoons (I always wanted to use that in a sentence).

The 50 or so minutes where we get into the horror are where The Cottage shows some balls. It seems this reclusive house is in some psycho farmer's land and he's got some issues. Lots of blood, splatter and gore ensue which are done in some Benny Hill like moments.

Foot slicing, decaps and entrails all get shown and I gotta admit, I wanted all of these people to die.

Our farmer slasher is straight out of the Hills Have Eyes disfigured family of monsters and though I've see this a thousand times, I enjoyed his chasing of these idiots.

Alas, the ending is ironic (as the Brits guarantee in almost all their horror), it wraps it all nicely. Suffice it to say this isn't no Shawn of the Dead, but the Cottage is clever enough to not waste my time. Bloody well done.

So grab some tea. I suggest Earl Grey, hot. And watch our friends across the pond make you laugh, squirm and be merry. Bollocks.

Influences

Shawn of the Dead
Severance
The Office
The Hills Have Eyes
Fargo
Probably some British films I've never heard of

Gore-ipedia (if you want to be shocked don't read)

Head butting
Groin kicking
Intenstine spilling guts
Throat slashing
Shovel decapitation
Foot slicing (top part only)
Picket through the leg
Decapitated heads
Body parts galore
Picket trauma
Picket through the groin
Head and spine decapitation

Nudipidedia (because you like boobies)

None.

So here's a picture of Jennifer Ellison to keep you entertained.

!!!!WTF moment!!!!

The last thing on the Gore-ipedia list. That rocked

The Jaded Viewer's Final Prognosis

Severance and Shawn to me are just horror-omedy done fuckin right. And I'm glad the Brits are continuing to make these sub genres of movies because they are so fuckin good at it.

Some American horror fans won't like this. We don't like when our horror and comedy intertwine. We need our Superbad and our Hills Have Eyes 2 separated.

But that's too bad. Because its movies like the Cottage that know how to do it right. It's 90 minutes of laughs, shits and giggles and buckets of gore. Bloody fun!

Rating:

The Trailer:

Tags:
the cottage, the cottage review , the cottage dvd review , the hills have eyes, gore splatter, horroromedy, top horror movies of 2008, horror blog, shawn of the dead, british horror comedy, UK horror, jennifer ellison,